Latest / Privycast / Ep. 49 Wombat Booty (Groundhog Day Special 2022)

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Ep. 49 Wombat Booty (Groundhog Day Special 2022) · Privycast

0:01
It's a stretch.
0:03
But not really.
0:03
Because last time we talked about a turd coming part way out of your butt.
0:08
have we...
0:10
Maybe we didn't stretch enough.
0:11
Who knows?
0:18
Privy is a podcast about bathrooms recorded here in my home bathroom.
0:25
I'm your host, Hunter Hoover, and I love bathrooms.
0:31
Just top of the episode this week, I want to remind you as you listen to take a second and uh rate and review the show.
0:41
And if you're feeling really adventurous, like I said, leave us a review.
0:45
We would love to hear from you and see those and we might even read some of those on the show.
0:51
You can email us.
0:53
Yeah, privycast at gmail.com.
0:55
We're on social media at privycast.
0:57
On enough of that, I want to get into it this week just straight ahead.
1:01
ah I need to do a weekly check-in because it's been a bit and yeah, you know that I have frequented the bathroom establishments and
1:13
I just gotta say Applebee's strikes again, like I ate a mere eight piece chicken wingies and you know, 3 a.m.
1:23
and I'm just like, I'm down for the count with this chicken wing situation and I spent an hour, 45 minutes to an hour in the middle of the night just because I had a mere eight
1:36
chicken wingies and it's, I'm starting to think that it's not uh Applebee's's
1:42
situation but it's more just me and I'm just an old fogey at this point so um but yeah Applebee's tore me up royal someone dropped a big boy in the bathroom where I work and it
1:59
was it was stinky and I and I'm pretty confident it was one of the students uh and man I
2:06
You know, here's what I'd say, I've got some homies and some friends who are janitors at the school that I work at.
2:12
I just gotta say that they're heroes.
2:14
ah The heinous garbage that I hear from them and that I see that they have had to put up with.
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um Yeah, I do not envy that situation.
2:24
um yeah, thank you, janitors.
2:28
That's what you gotta know about that.
2:30
And as hard as it might be believed, there are many...
2:33
And I think you'd probably be surprised about how many privy related news articles I get sent.
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And I would say I probably get about one a week from someone who's like, hey, the bathroom's made the news this week.
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I need to send this on over to Hunter, which please do that.
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Any and all bathroom related news is appreciated.
2:56
And so because there is such a surplus of these bathroom related news articles,
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I wanted to, at the top of the show here, do what is, I hope, the first of many installments of Poo in the News.
3:21
Pooh in the noo-
3:24
The news this week was originally sent to me by a privy listener and friend of mine and friend of the show, Ian.
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And this is a doozy and it is kind of an old story, but it is one which I care probably too much about as you are going to hear shortly.
3:45
This article, if you want to read it, it doesn't take too much work to come by reading this and finding out about it.
3:52
If you just go on the internet and
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type in the basic word search, Joel Osteen bathroom money scandal, ah you'll get it.
4:02
ah It'll pop right up.
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And in short, what happened here is Joel Osteen, who for lack of a better way of saying it, God rest his merry soul, is just a quality sized turd himself.
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If you don't know who this guy is, he's a mega church pastor who
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has made his millions, probably pushing billions, ba-ba-ba-billions at this point, just kind of, eh, with prosperity gospel garbage.
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And so, as you heard, that's not why we're talking about this news story, though.
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We're not talking about him.
4:40
We're discussing this because they found money in the walls of this homie's church.
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And if you hear that, it reminds me of Arrested Development, where
4:51
You know, he tells his son, hey son, there's always money in the banana shack.
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And you know, he thinks it's metaphorical or figurative.
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And then he burns the banana shack down.
5:01
And it turns out there was actually money in the walls of the banana shack.
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So that was fun.
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uh But in this case, there's a bunch of money.
5:10
This money was reported stolen by uh Joel Osteen's church.
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And uh seven years ago,
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So seven years prior to this money being found, it was reported stolen and of course, an insurance claim was filed on the money.
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just a few months ago, a or so ago, a plumber who was on the job found the money stashed away in the wall of the bathroom of the church.
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Now, and when he found it, the church is like, you, well, my goodness.
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How did that get there?
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And maybe it's your rich young ruler, you know what saying?
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But it seems like they never said thank you because this guy who found his name is Justin the Plumber and he noticed a wiggly toilet and so he went over to investigate and figured,
6:05
well, I'll just, you know.
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And so he tried to remove the back panel.
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I don't know how he came to it, but one thing led to another and he found thousands and thousands, hundreds of thousands of dollars in the walls of this
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bathroom in the church.
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And it's interesting because the church doesn't really seem to be like addressing Justin the plumber and saying thank you.
6:29
They're kind of taking this stance of like, oh praise, I'm so glad that now we don't have to file the...
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like we're gonna make sure that this is taken care of.
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You know, they're not really like acknowledging him.
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uh The church quote donated their portion of the reward.
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uh
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And also, like I said, the money was insured.
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And so it's super shady.
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It's like, where'd the money, how did the money even get in there?
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And the assumption is, I guess, is that someone who had access to Joel Osteen's church down in Texas, it was part of the stealing of the money and hid it away.
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Now, that's what I think they want you to think.
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Personally,
7:15
And this is my 50 cents and I would welcome anyone to come on here and prove me wrong.
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ah But I think there's a classic ah insurance fraud situation going on here and they were going to file a claim insuring all this money.
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And that brings me if your church has enough money sitting around that you need to insure it.
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I'm not too sure about that.
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I think maybe you need to just chill the heck out.
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And that's the end of the report.
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And this has been Boo in the News.
7:54
Today, the day of recording, we just celebrated one of the biggest holidays in February.
8:00
We're not talking about the big game.
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Haven't watched it in plenty of time.
8:06
We're all loving and looking forward to the very strong boys to throw the ball farther and run faster and catch the ball harder and score more touchbacks and we all can't wait to
8:17
see who does the sports harder than the other sports guys.
8:21
But we're not talking about
8:23
Valentine's Day either.
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I'm sure Hallmark would love for me to do that, but they created the holiday and I refuse to talk about it here.
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No, no, no.
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We'll get there, but not this week.
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No, no, no.
8:35
The chief holiday of February, as we all know, has already passed.
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We're a couple days past by the time you're hearing this.
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It's Groundhog Day.
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Happy Groundhog Day, everybody.
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A couple years ago on privy, we looked at the pooping and bathroom habits of the
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of the groundhog as well as the concept of prairie dogging.
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Two magnificent creatures, the prairie dog and the groundhog.
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And I actually watched, I watched the full broadcast of ah who I am now calling Plump's Atomifil, even though that's not his name, because this dude's thick.
9:14
Like Plump's Atomie has got some girth to him.
9:18
And I think he might be overfed, but this is one chonky
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Groundhog like he is a thick buddy So plumps a Tommy Phil he did see his shadow and it was really funny because in the broadcast You can hear the people in the crowd when they
9:34
announce Oh plumps a Tommy has seen his shadow There's six more weeks of winter the people actually begin booing this groundhog Which is hilarious because then the top-headed
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gentleman on the stage felt the need to like nay verily you will not boo our
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strange idol and then they start this chant which goes sixth more weeks and and it's like and then people in the crowd are like well I guess I should get hyped for this because
10:05
they are but you can tell they're not into it and it's really funny but yes Plump Satomi Phil did see his shadow so strap in for some more winter or ignore this rodent and move on
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but the groundhog
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who we've celebrated on February 2nd.
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ah shout out to Pat Wenzel.
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Don't know if he listens.
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Don't care.
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Happy birthday on February 2nd to Pat Wenzel.
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Fun fact, him and Pumpsatomi chillin' on the same day of celebration there.
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The groundhog, though, bears a slight physical resemblance to the fellow we're talking about this week.
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Both are rodent-like in shape.
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But while the groundhog is technically classified as a rodent, our friend and topic this week, the wombat, is actually a marsupial.
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This week in celebration of Groundhog Day, we're talking about the wombat.
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It's a stretch.
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But not really.
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Because last time we talked about a turd coming part way out of your butt.
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So have we, maybe we didn't stretch enough.
11:18
Who knows?
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But we need to talk about these big, beautiful, bear-looking buddies that Australia is so famous for that we call and love to call the wombat.
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First of all, wombat's a fantastic name for any animal.
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Great animal name, 10 out of 10 animal name.
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And the other thing that you gotta know about a wombat, I didn't realize this until I started looking it up.
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And when was talking to my wife,
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I was saying, these dudes are big and she's like, but they get bigger than dogs, y'all.
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Like three to four feet long.
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These are good sized marsupials.
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They're big buddies.
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ah I thought Plumpsatomi was big, but Willy the Wombat, he is a fat joker.
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Also, most wombats are nocturnal.
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They have the sleeping habits of a prepubescent teenage boy.
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No, that was mean.
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Moving on.
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But they also are plant eaters.
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They feast mostly on grass and sometimes the inner bark of trees, if the bark is soft enough, the wombat will actually get his snootin' paws right up in there to get some of
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that sweet, sweet bark meat.
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Even wilder is that these guys make burros.
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They burrow their diggers.
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And if you're a farmer, hear that and you go, son of a gun, you better not, you better flip and not.
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You just stay straight away from me and my farm.
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But these guys, make burrows and they burrow down to live in and they dig big, big holes on farmland and other areas.
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And so as such, many folks in Australia, like where these wombats are primarily located, uh they are mostly thought of as a nuisance and a pest, get them out of here.
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And so it's kind of like, you know, when my wife and I first,
13:25
got married, we lived in this apartment, and we had squirrels in our roof, like in our attic, and it's back in the times where it's like you're in an apartment, so it's like you
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call the apartment and say, hey, we got squirrels up top, and I don't know if they'd ever did anything, but like squirrels are small.
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Could you imagine having a wombat as your pest problem?
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It's like a dog-sized bear rat, like...
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You ain't dealing with that on your own on a Saturday.
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That's all I'm saying.
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Like this is a project if you want to help deal with this nuisance, which they're viewed.
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But they're like small little cuddly bears that dig holes.
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And then other animals such as rabbits and things will come and live inside those holes and cause all sorts of other problems for farms.
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So their burrows often
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cause all these problems.
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But what's interesting is when you go downside, like if you get down into one of these wombat burrows, uh and we noted in the Prairie Dog and Groundhog episode that when they go
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to the bathroom, they have, for lack of a better term, a poop chamber.
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um And the wombat, as we're gonna see, is a little bit different.
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They do have grassy bedding sections inside their burrows.
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uh
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And these are often at the end of a long, sometimes 30 meter tunnel.
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So that's a long tunnel.
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A space that is like, that's almost a hundred feet.
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A hundred feet long tunnel, they tunnel down and then they'll make a grassy little bedding area down in there.
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It's kind of cool, you know?
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I think it's neat, but...
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And that space, that tunnel and that bedding situation is actually shared by other wombats, like...
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They'll all chill out together.
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They'll all go in Dutch on one of these little little tunnel apartments here.
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The other thing that's weird about wombats in that they're sharing tunnels, they can be somewhat territorial.
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And this is why we need to talk about these cuddly but as we're gonna see, maybe not so cuddly buddies.
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Like, I mean for goodness sakes they look like a weird groundhog-bear hybrid.
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I groundhog, he just straight cuddly.
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Like, Plump Satomi, he's just, he's ready for hugs.
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Except for like four years ago, he bit the mayor's ear, which was hilarious, but I digress.
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As I noted, the wombat is a herbivore, which means it eats plants.
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That's science for...
16:05
It eats plants.
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Free science lesson, kids.
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Wombats eat plants.
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That's called herbivores.
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So, now you know.
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And you don't really have to worry about them going for you unless you're intruding their area and messing with their burrow.
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If you get up on that noise, yeah, you should probably be a little worried about the wombat.
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But otherwise, he ain't gonna eat you or nothing.
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No.
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But the wombat has a weird feature.
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And of all of God's great beautiful creatures that God made, I think he took a little longer on the wombat, especially when he was like, I think, I like to think that there was
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this moment where it was like, man, there's just gonna be this guy one day, his name's gonna be Hunter.
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And he's gonna be fascinated by toilets.
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Don't get me started.
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I need to make a creature that's just...
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just got two fun features that just fascinate him and boggle his mind royal.
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The wombat's first feature that needs to be discussed here is their butt.
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Now, we would not talk about animal butts unless there was something worthwhile to talk about.
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I hope I can at least get that much credit.
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Like, I'm not just gonna sit around talking about animal butts for no reason.
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I'm not a freak or anything, okay?
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I'm not.
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But when it comes to wombats, there's definitely something to talk about when it comes to the backside.
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First, wombats, their hair and the way they feel is usually silky soft covered with fur.
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However, their butts and their backsides are not.
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Their rump, the old SS derriere, is horrid like a rock.
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is hard like a rock.
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A wombat's butt is made up of four little plates, like hard plates, that are fused together and surrounded by the usual mammal offerings of fat, skin, and fur.
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So underneath their booty, they got these like hard plates that are like, they're for defense.
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And their rump is tough.
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And it comes in handy when they or their homes are under attack.
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Because
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If the Predator is coming for them and they'll run into the hole and they will actually slam their butt, they'll just like booty flap, wapo, right down in front of the hole of
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the tunnel.
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they'll try to land a few kicks and few blows in there.
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But even if the Predator has taken bites at their butt, it's gonna do a little damage.
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Whereas my son would say like, not much damage.
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But like...
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It's hard.
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They're not going to be able to get anywhere with that.
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It's going to be more difficult than it's worth.
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And so, it will serve to keep themselves and their home safe.
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And while they have planted their huge dump truck butt in the hole of the tunnel, like I said, they'll try to land a few kicks to the predator and even other challenging wombats.
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They're good kicks.
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that it's estimated that one of these wombat kicks could knock an animal the size of the wombat itself, again remember, three to four feet long, completely midair, launched
19:32
backwards.
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Most predators leave them alone when they're in this state.
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But there's this other thing that wombats can accomplish with their butt when they're seeking for predatorial defense and possibly offense here.
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And I think it would be a wild sight to see this one happen.
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ah I will note that ah there are researchers that think that this is not real.
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And that's fine.
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They probably know more than I do.
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But we're talking about bathrooms.
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And I was once told that wombats could do this.
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So we're moving on.
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Because people have theorized that wombats would actually be able to kill a predator that would otherwise have made it into their burrow.
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by slamming, thwapo, or trapping the predator's head with their butt and crushing the skull.
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You can't make this stuff up.
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Like this is one of God's beautiful creatures and he gave him booty defense and possibly the ability to like Mario booty slam his enemies into submission and possibly worse.
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It's a theory.
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And it's a theory based off the crushed skulls of various different predators and other nuisances that are nearby the thing.
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And the way they've been crushed, it doesn't look like it's with a mouth.
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It looks like maybe it was something flat.
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And so they theorized that the wombats have been like butt-slamming their enemies.
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whoo man.
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The sentences I've said on this show, out of context,
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Like one day I'm sure somebody's gonna take my words and make a fun, fun thing for me.
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But, you know, it's, they just Mario slamming them.
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Just, kwa-doink?
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It makes for a good story though, theory or otherwise, like we can only hope that it's true.
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But it makes for a good story, that's all there is to it.
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And that's not the only thing though.
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That's not the only wild thing about wombats and bathroom related things.
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And that's because wombats produce what might be some of the most unique leavings of any animal on God's great planet.
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Because they poop cubes, y'all.
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Like, they're laying blocks in Minecraft, but their blocks come right out of the butt.
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Love it.
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Square turds.
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So good.
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And I will post a picture of these on the privy social.
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And you're thinking, oh yeah, I bet it's square.
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Like, I think I've had a square log every now and then.
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But like, no, they're cubes.
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They look like weird, soft sugar cubes, but they're poop.
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It's flippin' weird.
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I don't get it.
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Science did what science does best to figure out, you know, what makes that wombat poop a cube?
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They cut open a dead wombat just to go poop cube hide and seek playing.
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A lot of love, science.
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Science is always trying to chop open an animal.
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I'm gonna let you marinate on it.
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You know what I'm saying?
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Like, think about it.
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Something dies and science cuts it open.
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I'm just saying.
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Thanks, science, but...
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What they discovered is that the wombat turds are actually not formed into a cube until the last quarter of the digestive process.
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The rest of it, they're in like pellet shape.
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It's like a turd shape.
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And that's because in that last quarter of the digestive process, the digestive tract gets thicker, thick.
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And as it finishes up the journey, for lack of a better way of saying it,
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The contractions in the intestines happen more so in the center.
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They're far more significant and this results in a cube shape coming out the old end zone.
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And that, so that action of this idea that like the way it contracts compounded by the estimated 40,000 constrictions that
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that likely happen as the food travels down the 33 foot long intestinal tract.
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That's long, man.
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That's a big gut.
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And that has a lot of opportunity for the shape of these brown buddies.
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that has a lot of intestines.
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It's weird.
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And as with most things that are weird in nature, the first thing we gotta do is ask why.
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Well, wombat scientists, which is a for sure real thing, have speculated that this is what they came up with.
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So wombat scientists, they sat down, they said, okay, how are we gonna scuttle this one out?
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And this is what they came up with.
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It could be, perhaps, that the wombat has developed making square poop over time as they have gotten tired of their poop rolling down into the bottom of their burrow where the
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bedding area is.
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So the idea here is, I guess, that the wombat has foolishly laid his round poop at the top of his burrow hole.
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And he walks away.
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And what comes screaming down the burrow hole next to him but the round poop that he made?
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And so they...
25:19
are arguing that evolution or some other strange magic has made the wombat poop square to fix this problem.
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Now, I ain't buying it.
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Like if that was the case, then every animal on the planet that nested on a hill would have made that adaptation, I think.
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It would seem the case.
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I'm not a scientist, don't really care.
25:39
Moving on.
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Also, they could do what we learned groundhogs do.
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They could have a dumping area.
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Like they could have a part of their burrow that is the bathroom and you go like Willy the Wombat had better hit the little wombat room and quit doing his business at the top of the
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thing.
25:58
Like chill it out.
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But what I think is more likely the case and this is something they've found is wombat stack their poop.
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Bear with me.
26:11
Or maybe wombat with me.
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Do you see what I did?
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Wombat with me.
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All right, we're moving.
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I'm not saying wombats are like making Tower of Babel or Jenga Tower level things here.
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Like they ain't stacking them that tall, but they arrange it.
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Like the wombats arrange their poop and stack it into a pile that is recognizable and it is enough as a tool for them to mark their territory.
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And they do it this way.
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And it is guessed that it is square, so it won't roll away.
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It's freaking weird.
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They're making markers from their cube pooped being stacked up.
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It's remarkable.
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Again, it's like Minecraft, but small butt-slamming marsupials are doing the crafting.
26:58
They don't need no diamond pickaxe.
27:03
They've got a furry cartilage butt.
27:12
I think I'm too old to try to reference Minecraft.
27:15
Yeah, it's best to stick to Pokemon.
27:19
Stick with what you know.
27:21
Wombats are wonderful.
27:24
They introduced us to the idea of booty defense, slamming cheek, and square turds.
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They are marvelous creatures.
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Believe it.
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Like, could you imagine?
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Like, just take a second.
27:37
Could you imagine if humans pooped perfect cube squares?
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It would be wild, like.
27:45
I would personally be concerned if the next time that I sat cheek, well besides right now, but I'm not sitting cheek, I'm sitting like shorts, because I'm, again, as we covered in
27:56
the episode with Jason last time, fully clothed over here.
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But man, I dropped Trow and dropped Brow and it was square and cubed and they were all like almost perfect cubes, I would have a lot of questions for my doctor.
28:13
But the human body shapes ours into the shape of a log.
28:18
Unless you got something wild going on or ate something Randy and then it's sometimes more of like a Jackson Pollock meets strange shotgun leftover look.
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But.
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You know, I figured since we're oversharing, we might as well overshare big.
28:36
Anyway, I hope you take an opportunity to celebrate the groundhog this year.
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Happy Groundhog Day belated if you are.
28:45
Yeah, you're hearing this after that.
28:48
Celebrate them as we move away from Groundhog Day.
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And we just now we just got to wait for Plump Satomi and see what he's going to do next year.
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You know, he he has made his his things.
29:00
And with that said,
29:01
We're also moving away from this episode.
29:05
As we close, we did the social things at the top of the episode, so thank you guys, share the show with a friend.
29:12
As always, we want to thank Kevin MacLeod for the use of Barroom Ballet as our intro and outro music.
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You can find Kevin's music at Incompetech.com.
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Thanks, Kevin.
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The news music this week was also licensed by Creative Commons license attribution 4.0.
29:34
Thank you guys so much for listening.
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I hope that you have a splendid 2022 so far.
29:41
We're sullying on trying some new things with audio quality.
29:46
Thanks again for listening.
29:48
And now, as always,
29:53
Don't forget to flash.