Latest / Rich Fulcher's TalkBox / Ian Stone: Comedy Writing, Arsenal FC & Fruit Obsession | TalkBox Ep. 45

Transcript

Ian Stone: Comedy Writing, Arsenal FC & Fruit Obsession | TalkBox Ep. 45 · Rich Fulcher's TalkBox

• 0:00
  Hi guys, don't forget to press follow and review for Rich
• 0:04
  Vultures Talk Box. It's a wonderful show.
• 0:08
  Why am I talking like this? Well, I was just fooling around,
• 0:13
  that's why. My guest this week is Ian Stone.
• 0:17
  He's been around for quite a while on the circuit.
• 0:20
  He's a wonderful stand up. I met him in 1997 so we have a
• 0:27
  lot of talking, catching up with words.
• 0:34
  Order problems Me by Stoney Oh Kenny, I wish there
• 0:57
  was something to do right now. I don't get it, but oh Ian, Ian,
• 1:04
  what are? You doing?
• 1:06
  It's so nice to see you. How was that?
• 1:10
  Was that all right? How many years has it been?
• 1:14
  That's an interesting question. We I think the last time you
• 1:17
  were drunk was the last time we saw each other in Australia.
• 1:22
  Probably we went, we saw you after that, but Australia 90.
• 1:29
  7797 and we stayed in the Arcabar.
• 1:34
  Do you remember, did you stay with us in the Arcabar?
• 1:38
  Well, it's called. Well, The thing is we were
• 1:40
  calling it the Arkaba, right? And Australians again.
• 1:43
  It's not the Arkaba, mate, it's the Arkaba.
• 1:45
  Yeah, all the Arkaba and even the cab drivers, you get in the
• 1:48
  cab and you go, you take us the Arkaba and they go the what?
• 1:51
  And you have to go the Arkaba. Ridiculous.
• 1:56
  Thanks for having us. Oh, yeah, thanks.
• 1:58
  You're you're just going someplace.
• 2:01
  Passing through? Well, I did some Pilates
• 2:04
  beforehand. You do pilot.
• 2:06
  I do pilot. Look at me, isn't it?
• 2:08
  You're in good shape. Yeah, yeah, I'm, I'm 88.
• 2:11
  It's it's. Stretching right it.
• 2:14
  That's you just do that, basically just endlessly do
• 2:16
  that. No, it's not stretching.
• 2:19
  It's partly stretching, but it's much more than that.
• 2:21
  But it's, it's, it's about flexibility, right?
• 2:25
  It's about flexibility. So you imagine like a a tree,
• 2:28
  like a like a Willow that's gently and and it's.
• 2:32
  Kind of Zen like. Well, it can be it, it you do
• 2:36
  have to really think about it. And you think about your body
• 2:39
  and you think about the connections between your bits of
• 2:41
  your body, right? And the more you do it, it, it.
• 2:45
  Listen, what happened was I about six or seven years ago, I
• 2:48
  hurt my hip getting out of a car and I thought, can we swear on
• 2:52
  this? Oh yeah, I hurt my hip getting
• 2:54
  out. Of the car I hurt.
• 2:57
  My hip getting out of the car and it hurt and I and I thought
• 3:00
  this is ridiculous, this is so ridiculous.
• 3:02
  So I needed a different way to treat my body, so I started
• 3:05
  doing Pilates. OK.
• 3:06
  So that's where I've been, but I'm feeling quite high with it
• 3:09
  to be honest with. You because a lot of people
• 3:11
  would say I need a new car, you know?
• 3:14
  Yeah, 1 where it's easier to get out of the door.
• 3:16
  I had a DeLorean. It was a mistake.
• 3:19
  I'm with the butterfly. Yeah, no, I love those.
• 3:22
  I I just wanted a, a different way of looking after myself.
• 3:26
  I started doing that. So I've been there.
• 3:28
  And afterwards I'm going to the IMAX to see Interstellar.
• 3:33
  I'm very excited because you're so lucky.
• 3:37
  My son went, my son went to. Do you like Interstellar?
• 3:40
  Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I think it's I
• 3:43
  love it. I never I The thing is do.
• 3:44
  You love it, I've not watched. Kelly's never seen it, right?
• 3:48
  Kelly's well, Kenny. Well, honestly, well, it's
• 3:51
  Christopher Nolan. It's Christopher Nolan who made
• 3:54
  Dunkirk Oppenheimer. Have you seen any of these?
• 3:58
  I've seen Dunk, he has a whole body of work.
• 4:00
  He does, and I love. But the thing was, I went to see
• 4:02
  Interstellar quite a long time ago.
• 4:04
  Yeah, I didn't really like it. The truth was it was too loud,
• 4:08
  right? And it is.
• 4:09
  So I bought some earplugs. I thought that was a babe.
• 4:13
  No, no, no, no. These are earplugs, really quite
• 4:16
  nice earplugs. So because my son went and he
• 4:19
  and, but I thought I want to go and see it in in the IMAX
• 4:22
  because it's 60 foot high screen, it's space.
• 4:25
  And The thing is I have seen it since I watched it.
• 4:27
  I watched it about six months ago.
• 4:28
  I did a cruise. I can't enjoy them.
• 4:31
  As a gig. As a gig, yeah.
• 4:33
  This would be nice. And I and I had a a free night
• 4:36
  and I thought I watch a film. So I started watching
• 4:38
  Interstellar and I thought it was wonderful and I I don't
• 4:41
  think I appreciated it. No.
• 4:43
  The first time, so I watched it the second time and I thought oh
• 4:46
  this is really an excellent film so I'm going to go and see it
• 4:48
  today with a 60 foot screen all that space, because I saw
• 4:52
  gravity in there yes and I loved gravity yes I thought it was a
• 4:55
  magnificent. Movie.
• 4:56
  But they're doing a lot of films that way now apparently so have
• 5:00
  already been released but they're re releasing on IMAX.
• 5:04
  Well, I don't actually mind even a film that I went to see The
• 5:07
  Godfather in the cinema like 50 years after it came out, because
• 5:10
  obviously I watched it 1000 times, right?
• 5:12
  Because it's amazing. But I'd never seen it in the
• 5:14
  cinema. So I went and it was.
• 5:16
  You know IMAX. No, no IMAX, no, no, no.
• 5:22
  But it was. I think seeing these films in a
• 5:26
  in a cinema is a different experience.
• 5:28
  I'm excited about that. I haven't, I mean, I, I haven't
• 5:31
  been in the arm acts in a while. I'm.
• 5:32
  I don't think cinemas will die out anytime soon.
• 5:36
  I think they're struggling, they are struggling.
• 5:39
  But I think it'll always be something people will want to go
• 5:44
  to. I don't.
• 5:45
  Know I mean. Like restaurants.
• 5:48
  We've got Deliveroo, but people still go to restaurants.
• 5:52
  No, that is true. That is true.
• 5:56
  I think you're making a very good point there.
• 5:57
  Thank you. Do you know what?
• 5:58
  I was going to argue with you about that.
• 6:00
  I actually thought he's right. But what's so refreshing now is
• 6:03
  to see you all over Instagram and social media.
• 6:08
  Is that like a new thing for you?
• 6:10
  Fairly, I I, you know what I've been knocking about a while,
• 6:13
  right? Obviously.
• 6:14
  At least five years. At least five years.
• 6:17
  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been doing it a while and
• 6:21
  you get to a point I was doing the circuit and I just thought
• 6:24
  well this, I can do this standing on me head.
• 6:26
  It's not difficult and everyone and I get respect from everyone
• 6:29
  because everyone knows I'm funny and it's all fine.
• 6:31
  But I. Thought what I want to do more
• 6:34
  than that, and I'm very good friends with Jim Brister, you
• 6:37
  would know. Jim OK, she's.
• 6:39
  Great. I love her and she was on at me.
• 6:42
  You should go to Edinburgh and then you should go on tour and
• 6:45
  but you need to do some sort of social media in order to do
• 6:48
  that. Yes, OK, so I started doing it
• 6:51
  and I've got these young people who get all my clips and they
• 6:55
  put them all together and subtitle them and put them.
• 6:57
  All who are these young people? They're young people, Alison
• 7:00
  Elliott, Does that help you? That I can give you their names
• 7:03
  if you want, but they do. They do all the clips for me and
• 7:05
  they're great and and it gets audiences to come to gigs.
• 7:10
  It does. It does.
• 7:12
  So that's and I and it's opened up a whole a whole new world.
• 7:15
  I almost started singing there but I thought I won't well
• 7:17
  because. People are watching that.
• 7:20
  Well, that's how we connected just here because you followed
• 7:23
  me and Kenny, our producer, follows me.
• 7:25
  I. Know and, and it's and it's so
• 7:27
  nice, you know, and people come to shows.
• 7:30
  I, I went to Brighton the other day and a couple of 100 people
• 7:32
  come and see you. Do you know what I like as well?
• 7:36
  I like because, you know, when I go to Edinburgh, I do the Free
• 7:39
  Fringe and I and I really like the free Fringe because you, you
• 7:43
  just, you go along and you offer people something for nothing,
• 7:47
  you know, come and see the show. And they donate.
• 7:50
  And they donate at the end. And obviously, well, what's
• 7:53
  interesting, a lot of the Free Fringe acts are quite new,
• 7:56
  right? They're quite new.
• 7:57
  Fresh, yes, I know. But I think that implies that
• 8:01
  I'm not fresh. Okay, I'll take we're behind the
• 8:04
  ears. We're behind.
• 8:05
  They are a little bit. And then and what happens is if
• 8:08
  you do a free, if you do like me and you do a free friend show,
• 8:10
  about 10 minutes into the show, the ones who don't know me, they
• 8:13
  sort of look at me like you're kind of good at this, aren't
• 8:17
  you? You're really.
• 8:18
  And then they are delighted to be there because they've,
• 8:22
  they've chosen, well, they've chosen to spend an hour, that
• 8:26
  sort of thing. Right.
• 8:27
  And then at the end of it, I do this whole bucket speech.
• 8:30
  This is the, this is the awkward moment when a Jewish comedian
• 8:33
  asked a predominantly Scottish audience for money, Let's see
• 8:35
  who, let's see who blinks first and get a laugh, get a laugh.
• 8:39
  So you try and make it as funny as possible.
• 8:41
  At the end of it, they give you money and you get to keep it
• 8:43
  beautiful. But what I like about it is that
• 8:46
  you're offering something for nothing and then there's a sort
• 8:49
  of generosity about it. And I think it's the same,
• 8:53
  Listen, there's a lot wrong with social media, right?
• 8:56
  But but the fact that you can offer clips for nothing, yeah,
• 8:59
  there you go. There's a little laugh for you.
• 9:01
  And then people then go, oh, we'll go and see him, right.
• 9:05
  But you get it back in an indirect way.
• 9:07
  And I really like, I really like that whole sort of thing, which
• 9:10
  is not how it used to be. Right in effect to social media
• 9:15
  is now like what? Mock the week?
• 9:18
  Like getting on mock the week, you get bums and seeds but
• 9:22
  getting on social media also gets you bums and seeds.
• 9:25
  Yes, if you yes, and and and. Well, I remember an agent I had
• 9:30
  in the past said to me, The thing is Stoney Instagram Stony.
• 9:34
  Stony, Stony, I'm gonna call you.
• 9:38
  Do it. It'll feel weird for a bit and
• 9:39
  then you'll be fine with it. Everyone they still against
• 9:42
  anyway, they're fine with it. But she said to me, you've got
• 9:46
  your own TV channel, you've got your own TV channel.
• 9:49
  What you gonna put on your own TV channel?
• 9:51
  I thought I'll put me on. This is true.
• 9:53
  It really is. It was like a revelation to me.
• 9:56
  And so since then I've been putting out clips.
• 9:59
  The Stony Channel. The Stony Channel.
• 10:01
  Stony TVI. Love that.
• 10:03
  Yeah. Hey guys, sorry to interrupt,
• 10:05
  but I just wanted to remind you that we do have a Patreon
• 10:08
  account. We're self funded so we really
• 10:11
  appreciate any subscription that you can give us.
• 10:16
  You'll get to see the episodes a couple of days beforehand, plus
• 10:20
  other perks which you'll find out soon enough.
• 10:23
  So thank you. Let's get back to the episode.
• 10:26
  It's really good and your clips are great.
• 10:31
  Thank you. Thank you.
• 10:32
  Well, I, I, I do have jokes. I mean, I think it works better
• 10:37
  for some people than for others, I think.
• 10:39
  You. One thing about you is your
• 10:42
  jokes are solid. Joke.
• 10:45
  Proper jokes. Yeah, proper jokes.
• 10:47
  Well, because I, I, I love a gag.
• 10:50
  I always loved to gag. I think if I'd have started
• 10:53
  doing this in 1940 or 50 I'd have been very happy telling 2
• 10:57
  fellas walk into a bar and you know old jokes.
• 11:00
  Because I I listen to Seinfeld on a podcast and he says he's
• 11:05
  always working on some gag. Are you always in your mind
• 11:10
  working on a gag? I mean.
• 11:13
  Are you like hang on just a minute in a conversation and you
• 11:17
  go off? And all the time, yeah.
• 11:19
  Because I because I think that's a bit.
• 11:22
  That's funny. And what I mean, a lot of it now
• 11:24
  comes from the news and I just listen to some nonsense coming
• 11:28
  out of the telly. And I think so when it goes to a
• 11:31
  certain extent, nobody, war never, you know, to a certain
• 11:36
  extent it does. But I, I do love a joke and I
• 11:41
  and I because I was watching, I mean, but even it's the
• 11:44
  incongruity, isn't it? The they were, they were, they
• 11:48
  were talking about how the UK is gonna is only going to use the
• 11:53
  weapons we've got for defensive capabilities.
• 11:56
  Yes. And they were talking while they
• 11:58
  were letting these the big bombers that the Americans have
• 12:02
  got land RA Fairford right an air an airfield here.
• 12:07
  These things look like death machines.
• 12:10
  They look the most. They didn't look defensive.
• 12:12
  They looked incredibly offensive.
• 12:14
  It's what they look like offensive in every sense.
• 12:18
  And and I thought how funny defensive machines.
• 12:21
  It looked like the biggest fuck off you've ever seen this thing
• 12:23
  with bombs like it was loaded 28 missiles and you thought, wow,
• 12:29
  that doesn't look that defensive to me.
• 12:31
  And I thought that's funny to me.
• 12:33
  And I was saying it to my Mrs and she was laughing.
• 12:35
  I don't know if it'll be a bit, but there there's there's the.
• 12:39
  There's the joke. There's the number of the.
• 12:41
  Gist. So that's the number of the gist
• 12:44
  to be a great. Title for something?
• 12:46
  Yeah. So that I do like, I do like
• 12:49
  jokes, I like writing them, and I like telling.
• 12:51
  Them well listen to this theory that I have your joke telling
• 12:55
  now is actually refreshing in comedy in many ways because a
• 13:02
  lot of new comics it's revelatory kind of you know like
• 13:08
  my dad was a surfer. So yes, I you know.
• 13:13
  There was a lot there and I'm I'm happy to do that, but it has
• 13:16
  to have gags, yes. And I, and I know people have
• 13:19
  come across her a little bit. I'm not dissing that comedy
• 13:23
  people don't write in. I'm just saying that you're the
• 13:29
  jokes are the meat that you're just selling to us.
• 13:35
  But I still want to say something.
• 13:38
  I mean, I still want to say something because I talk quite a
• 13:40
  lot about politics and the next show I do is going to be about
• 13:42
  politics. Well, you talk about yourself
• 13:45
  quite a bit. Yeah, and it's all filtered
• 13:47
  through me. But it's but it's but there has
• 13:51
  to be jokes. Yeah, I'm not.
• 13:52
  I'm not making political points for no reason.
• 13:55
  I I I think, you know, I remember when I started, I used
• 13:58
  to write all my sets out like word for word.
• 14:01
  Did you do that? You.
• 14:03
  You sometimes and the one person shows I would do.
• 14:06
  Yeah, but I, I so every line and and and and there would the joke
• 14:11
  would be underlined, right? Yeah.
• 14:13
  And and it's and I'd look at it and I'd go if there's more than
• 14:16
  three lines between, between each, the line bit, I think
• 14:19
  tighten it up. There needs to be more jokes in
• 14:21
  there. So I'm sort of looking for one
• 14:23
  every 1520 seconds. That's what they said when I was
• 14:26
  I was writing the sitcom pilot. They go at least three jokes a
• 14:30
  page. Yeah.
• 14:31
  Something like that. So I, I, yeah, I've always, I'm
• 14:35
  a comedian. That's what I'm here for, to do
• 14:38
  jokes and to, to make people laugh and, and, and if I can.
• 14:42
  And if at the end of it they go, do you know what?
• 14:44
  He had a point about the government or whatever, that's
• 14:46
  great, but that's not what I'm there for.
• 14:49
  Right, because a lot of the skill set of, of people coming
• 14:54
  out now is social media first, yes.
• 14:59
  And then, oh, I'm, I'm funny in social media.
• 15:02
  I'm gonna make this transition. Yeah.
• 15:05
  Doesn't always work, does it it? Doesn't always work.
• 15:07
  No, I mean, it's interesting going to Edinburgh now.
• 15:09
  Have you been out to Edinburgh lately?
• 15:11
  Not lately. I mean if 2011 is lately.
• 15:15
  I I mean in well, in in evolutionary terms it is lately.
• 15:19
  To be. Honest with you, but yes, I
• 15:21
  mean, I've been up the last four years.
• 15:22
  Oh wow. And I hadn't been for a long
• 15:25
  time. And then I started going again.
• 15:27
  Well, COVID. Well, COVID no, but I wasn't
• 15:30
  going before that. I didn't go all through the 20
• 15:31
  tens OK at all. I went 2006 to 8 and then I
• 15:35
  didn't go again till 20. When I went, I was yelling your
• 15:38
  name. Stoney, Stoney.
• 15:42
  It feels good, didn't it? But I went back out to Edinburgh
• 15:46
  in 2022 and I've been going since then and I love it.
• 15:50
  But I am 20-30 years older than most of the people there and a
• 15:55
  lot of them have that. You know, they'll get 200 people
• 15:58
  a night, but it'll be through social media.
• 16:00
  And then and then the results of what, you know, they get a
• 16:03
  massive round of applause when they walk on and sometimes not
• 16:06
  so much when they walk off. But that's how it goes, right?
• 16:09
  But but they the skill set to to be able to hold people for an
• 16:13
  hour and to really inhabit that space and hold the room.
• 16:17
  It's different. Oh, that's from.
• 16:18
  Talking to a camera, well, it is the whole thing, but it's, but
• 16:21
  it's different from talking to a camera and, and you have to
• 16:24
  learn. And the only way to learn is to
• 16:25
  do it. If you're famous, I think this
• 16:28
  was in that documentary Comedian.
• 16:31
  Well, that was Seinfeld and and what was the kid?
• 16:34
  Ollie. Adams, Ollie.
• 16:36
  Ollie. He did that bit where he put the
• 16:39
  chair and it was a cell phone. I don't remember that bit.
• 16:43
  I remember him doing a bit about lupus.
• 16:45
  Yes, that's what I. Remember, lupus is so.
• 16:48
  Funny. It's a good funny word.
• 16:49
  Yeah, it's not a funny disease, apparently, but yeah, it's a
• 16:52
  funny. Word no.
• 16:52
  Well, let's not get into that, but.
• 16:55
  But he's I just wanted to point that out.
• 16:57
  Anybody got lupus who's watching?
• 16:59
  And I'm not mocking. Please, we welcome you.
• 17:01
  The problem is. I was It's funny.
• 17:04
  We do. We welcome the.
• 17:05
  Lupus, come on in. No, but it's funny because I
• 17:09
  was, I did, I did a football podcast this morning, but we got
• 17:13
  off the topic and we were talking about times when you've
• 17:18
  sort of you've thought something was funny and it hasn't been
• 17:21
  funny at all. Now, obviously that's happened
• 17:23
  to me 1000 times. And I was talking about this
• 17:26
  time when I was talking about, you know, you know, Tim Horton,
• 17:29
  who started the coffee shops in. Canada.
• 17:32
  There's one in Winnipeg, there's one everywhere.
• 17:35
  And apparently he died asleep at the wheel of his car.
• 17:39
  And I was saying that's funny for someone who's got a string
• 17:43
  of coffee shops who's driving along going, do you know, if
• 17:47
  only I had a hot drink to wake me up, right?
• 17:50
  And I was saying, that's funny, isn't it?
• 17:51
  And this audience were like, no, no, that's not.
• 17:54
  I said I'm not saying it's funny for his family.
• 17:57
  No. It's always, it's.
• 17:58
  Interesting it would be. Awful, but anyway.
• 18:03
  See, that's something that Ed would use for the ironic song.
• 18:08
  That's yeah. Yes, well, anyway.
• 18:11
  What my point was about this comedian documentary was they
• 18:15
  said if you're famous, they'll give you 5 minutes.
• 18:19
  Like you get on stage, you're famous.
• 18:22
  Oh, he's famous. He's doing stand up.
• 18:24
  If it's not funny, if you don't have the room, they'll you know,
• 18:28
  I'm. Not sure it gives you 5 minutes,
• 18:29
  I think, maybe less. I think two, yeah.
• 18:32
  I mean, if you're in an audience and you go wow, that bloke from
• 18:34
  the telly turned up, he was shit.
• 18:36
  I mean in the end. I'm never going to watch it
• 18:39
  again. It's shit.
• 18:40
  Isn't it? And you know it, don't you?
• 18:42
  Pretty much straight away. You know, I saw Michael
• 18:46
  Richards, yes, undo stand up after no, like literally like a
• 18:52
  week before that. And.
• 18:55
  He did terrible. He was improvising as he was
• 18:58
  doing it. Yeah, he, but he was, he seemed
• 19:02
  a little bit off. Well, obviously it was off the
• 19:07
  week later, wasn't it really, to be honest, but.
• 19:09
  I mean, I can when it happened, I go, I can see that.
• 19:13
  He was more of an improviser anyway, wasn't he?
• 19:16
  I mean, there is. I mean, I mean you, you're
• 19:20
  always, I mean, I always think of you as an improviser.
• 19:22
  I know. That's how you know me.
• 19:25
  That's fair enough. Right.
• 19:26
  Yeah, I do do stand up to. You.
• 19:28
  How's it Karen? I need some help help.
• 19:33
  Me still I need help you I could I could I could help?
• 19:36
  You. No, I'm just going through the
• 19:38
  process. I'm having fun doing it.
• 19:41
  I'm I'm honing my jokes. Also, you're at least standing
• 19:46
  there with a bit of experience and a bit of life experience.
• 19:49
  You're not a kid and you're just standing there and you're going.
• 19:52
  Okay, well, I know that's not funny, but I'm enjoying the
• 19:54
  moment. I don't have any false pretences
• 19:57
  about it. Yeah, you have a podcast I do
• 20:01
  about Arsenal. About Arsenal, about Arsenal
• 20:04
  Football Club, who are doing very well at the moment and.
• 20:07
  Congratulations. Listen, I had very little to do
• 20:10
  with it, although I do think that I do have a substantive I
• 20:14
  do make a difference when I'm in the crowd.
• 20:16
  I think we all do. Do you ever have this often?
• 20:19
  Why I have this? If I don't say you miss a match,
• 20:22
  yeah, and then your team loses, don't you feel like if I had
• 20:27
  watched that, they would have won?
• 20:30
  Do you ever feel that? I feel like, I mean, the thing
• 20:33
  was I was saying to you, I was going to go to Australia, but
• 20:36
  I'm not now. Oh, I was saying to Kenny.
• 20:38
  Why? Because well, you know, the
• 20:41
  bloke who almost won the Nobel Peace Prize and started a war,
• 20:44
  that's all that's right. That's right.
• 20:46
  I'm I know we should have given him the Peace Prize.
• 20:50
  FIFA. FIFA gave him something.
• 20:52
  It wasn't enough. It's a small appeasement.
• 20:54
  But but I'm not going and and and and I'm happy to not be
• 20:59
  going. I would have liked to have gone
• 21:01
  and in other circumstances and I'll go back there again, but
• 21:05
  part of it certainly is I want to be with the team for this
• 21:10
  because something is happening with Arsenal.
• 21:12
  It's only quite. Special, you're winning.
• 21:14
  That not just that, it's, it's really, well, Saturday night we
• 21:19
  played a game against Everton. We had to win.
• 21:22
  It was all very tense. We scored a goal in the 89th
• 21:24
  minute and a kid and then the second goal we got was by 16.
• 21:30
  No, no, he's 24 now. He's an old man.
• 21:34
  This kid is 16. His name's Max Damon, and he
• 21:37
  came on as a substitute and he made the first one and he scored
• 21:40
  the second one. And I'm telling you now.
• 21:42
  And Kenny, you watch. This guy.
• 21:44
  This 16 year old kid I have, I don't think I've ever seen an
• 21:48
  atmosphere like it. People were crying.
• 21:50
  I mean, it's insane. Of course it's inside.
• 21:53
  The whole thing is ridiculous, of course, but it was so
• 21:56
  emotional because this kid has grown up with the Arsenal, his
• 21:59
  family are Arsenal fans and he scored this goal.
• 22:02
  Because it was the 89th minute and it was him.
• 22:05
  Well, he made the one in the 89th minute and then in the 95th
• 22:09
  minute Everton had a corner and they could have equalised and if
• 22:13
  they had it done that there would have been, would have been
• 22:15
  like a balloon instantly deflating in that stadium.
• 22:18
  But we broke up the other end and he scored and it was
• 22:21
  magnificent and it was why we watched and there was something,
• 22:24
  the release of it, I think. I think it changed something.
• 22:30
  No, I'm sorry. I had a wank instantly while I
• 22:33
  was in the stadium. Honestly it was the best wank
• 22:36
  I've ever. What are you doing?
• 22:39
  Yeah, what? It's a great goal.
• 22:41
  It's a great goal. I won't be in front of him.
• 22:43
  He's only a child. Obviously I'm not a pervert.
• 22:46
  Didn't he start when he was 14? He played.
• 22:49
  He played his first game when he was 15.
• 22:53
  It's incredible. When I was 15 I could barely
• 22:56
  even wank. I'll bet you could.
• 22:59
  I'll bet you could. I'd say kids listening, my young
• 23:05
  Folgers. I could barely fold my clothes.
• 23:08
  Yes, yeah, I this and this kid is an unbelievable talent.
• 23:11
  But more than that, I because I do this podcast and and it and
• 23:15
  it does pretty well the podcast it's called Handbrake off.
• 23:18
  You've had it for three years. No, about 4-5 now, in fact,
• 23:23
  maybe even longer because we did it in, we did it during COVID.
• 23:26
  So in fact, longer than that, but it's a real, it's a real 103
• 23:32
  years. It's a real connection.
• 23:35
  And I get a lot of people come up to me and and the gigs I get
• 23:38
  people coming regularly to to tell me how much they love it.
• 23:41
  And it like, I mean, if you'd have said to 16 year old me when
• 23:46
  you're a grown up, you'll be doing a podcast talking about
• 23:48
  Arsenal, Yeah. I mean, that's utterly insane.
• 23:51
  But it's something you love. I I completely love it.
• 23:54
  And do you ever get this, though?
• 23:56
  Somebody goes to your gig and they go.
• 23:58
  You didn't talk about football. Yes, yes.
• 24:01
  But I, I one, I do generally talk about football a little
• 24:04
  bit. Yeah, in the show that I'm
• 24:06
  doing, there's a couple of bits which are specifically about
• 24:10
  games related to the whatever I'm talking about.
• 24:13
  But it is, but I do talk about it, yeah, people.
• 24:17
  But then people say, oh, you didn't do that other bit.
• 24:19
  Yeah. And then that happens.
• 24:21
  Like it? I'm not.
• 24:22
  I'm not here for you. Yeah, exactly.
• 24:25
  Yeah. You're here for me.
• 24:29
  I mean, I sort of mean that, but not really.
• 24:32
  Are you into American football as well?
• 24:34
  No. I don't care.
• 24:35
  No OK, I'm trying to get my sons are into football, but I'm.
• 24:40
  Soccer as it. As it.
• 24:42
  Yeah, right. Your sons are into it.
• 24:45
  A little bit. Did I support a team?
• 24:48
  Well, my wife's family is all Chelsea.
• 24:51
  Well, they're just awful people, scummy people.
• 24:54
  And, you know, they cheated their way to a number of
• 24:57
  championships and, you know, on the backs of of money stolen
• 25:02
  from the people of Russia. I was going to play them this
• 25:05
  podcast but I can't now. That's terrible.
• 25:09
  Tell them I've got a lot of very good friends with Chelsea fans
• 25:11
  but I have no respect for their team.
• 25:12
  No, I know none. I.
• 25:14
  Know, I mean none, I know. But anyway, I'm sorry that
• 25:19
  wasn't the way you wanted that to go.
• 25:21
  But seriously, appalling cheats, appalling.
• 25:25
  And they used to be racist as well.
• 25:26
  They're less so now. Used to, we used to call them,
• 25:28
  we used to go to Chelsea and call it NFHQ, right.
• 25:31
  National Front HQ. Do you remember the National
• 25:33
  Front when you were? Yeah.
• 25:35
  I don't know if you were here in the 70's the National Front were
• 25:38
  the big they were the far right, right Britain first or whatever
• 25:43
  now and the National Front and and they used to sell the
• 25:46
  National Front newspaper outside Chelsea football ground and
• 25:49
  there were a lot of races to used to go less.
• 25:51
  So now I. Think I didn't know?
• 25:53
  That, but the good thing about Chelsea is the the the the
• 25:56
  choice of food outlets down the Quays Rd Full and Broadway is
• 26:00
  excellent. All types of food.
• 26:02
  No on the English food. Very inclusive.
• 26:04
  Very inclusive. It's great.
• 26:05
  No, it is so weird to go to Chelsea.
• 26:07
  Go. Do you fancy Ethiopian or
• 26:09
  Japanese? What do you fancy?
• 26:10
  I love all that. But to think now, though,
• 26:13
  getting back to your point, like any interest you have, like if
• 26:17
  you're a comic, right, like I just interview people, right,
• 26:21
  Mostly comic, but if I was interested in chess, I could do
• 26:25
  a chess podcast you. Could I'm not I mean.
• 26:29
  And nobody would blink an eye, no.
• 26:32
  And I don't know who would listen.
• 26:33
  But no one Magnus Carlsen. Magnus Carlsen.
• 26:37
  Why? And no sisters.
• 26:39
  Yeah, Polish sisters. Whatever Are they?
• 26:41
  Polish the I can't remember what they're called.
• 26:43
  The three sisters who are all like chess grandmothers.
• 26:47
  Oh really? You know they don't get grand
• 26:48
  mistresses, do you? It's always grandmasters.
• 26:50
  No. No, no, that should change.
• 26:54
  But like, you're right, if you that's the beauty.
• 26:58
  In the same way that Instagram has freed up, you can just put
• 27:00
  stuff out there and if people like it, they'll connect.
• 27:03
  In the same way podcasts, you know, you don't need the
• 27:06
  gatekeepers, you just have to pay for the studio and pay for
• 27:10
  the time or you can do it from home and and if people connect,
• 27:13
  they really like it. So yeah, I assume you go to lots
• 27:16
  of matches. Yes, yes.
• 27:18
  What happens when you go there? They all know you there.
• 27:21
  Not they all, but I definitely get recognised and it's very
• 27:24
  nice. People are really nice.
• 27:26
  I love your pod, love what you're saying.
• 27:27
  And it's a it's do you know what I always think of life now?
• 27:31
  It's like families. I've got my comedy family one,
• 27:34
  I've got my actual family. I've got my Arsenal family.
• 27:38
  Notice how you said your actual family's second.
• 27:40
  Yeah, that's about right. I mean, I mean, they're vying
• 27:44
  for 2nd place, right? Right.
• 27:45
  No, My, I've got families and and that's, that's what's
• 27:50
  important, you know? Yeah, My my friends and my loved
• 27:53
  ones, my comedy friends and loved ones and my mates in the
• 27:57
  comedy circuit and my Arsenal mates.
• 28:01
  And they do crossover. Your oldest friend from school.
• 28:05
  School. How far back does that go?
• 28:07
  I've got a mate from primary school, IVA Deal, David's
• 28:10
  brother, and I know David and David is a friend of mine and I
• 28:14
  know him pretty well. I've hung out with him when I
• 28:16
  was 7/18 9:10 He spent a lot of time at their house.
• 28:19
  I. Don't have anybody that goes
• 28:21
  that far back. No, because when my dad, I was a
• 28:25
  military brat, so we moved all over the place.
• 28:28
  Yeah, see, you never had that, whereas I was in one place.
• 28:31
  Yeah, so. And I kept in touch and I got a
• 28:33
  very good mate. I got a mate from secondary
• 28:35
  school, Simon, who I sometimes write with.
• 28:38
  Very funny boy. Really.
• 28:39
  Yeah, Yeah. I mean, he's not, he's not a
• 28:41
  comedian. He's a driving instructor
• 28:43
  actually. But driving instructors by the
• 28:46
  way, are apparently they are done a survey saying they are
• 28:50
  the most right wing people driving instructors.
• 28:53
  And we wrote a joke turn to the right now go further to the
• 28:55
  right, right, which I thought was a good joke, but he.
• 29:00
  Yeah. So I've got mates from my school
• 29:01
  days. I just got my well a couple
• 29:04
  years ago. My driver's licence here.
• 29:07
  Well, oh, because you have to take it again, right?
• 29:09
  Yeah, because I'm living over here and the guy was, he would
• 29:13
  yell at you. Yell.
• 29:15
  I don't think that really helps if you're trying to take a test.
• 29:17
  You'd really be upset. And he had a break too.
• 29:20
  Yeah. So he would always put on the
• 29:22
  brake, See. I'm not sure he's the right
• 29:23
  temperament, it seems to me, because I think you've got to be
• 29:26
  really tired. It's like you want to be driving
• 29:28
  by the Dalai Lama, don't you really?
• 29:31
  As soon as you can drive. I don't know if you can drive.
• 29:33
  No, I passed. Right.
• 29:34
  Oh, you passed? Yeah, I was.
• 29:37
  I guess I was talking, yeah. That took me 3.
• 29:40
  Well, you know, I think they took Viddy on me or something.
• 29:44
  I don't think they do that with driving tests.
• 29:46
  I think if you have to be able to do it, yes, he killed a
• 29:49
  pedestrian, but he seems like a nice guy.
• 29:52
  It's not what I want to hear from my driving instructor or
• 29:55
  your driving. Instructor the US driving tests
• 29:57
  are so easy. Yeah, but the US is.
• 30:00
  Stop. OK, that's good.
• 30:02
  Yeah, US is a basket case, isn't it?
• 30:05
  It's all a grid anyway, yeah. It's mad, yeah.
• 30:10
  When was the last time you went? I haven't been to the US.
• 30:13
  Well, I was in Miami for one day to get on this boat, this ship
• 30:17
  for this cruise. You did a.
• 30:19
  Cruise but that was three years ago and before that I hadn't
• 30:24
  been I've only been to the USA couple of times.
• 30:27
  I'm not I'm not that I've been to New York.
• 30:30
  I love it. It's The New Yorker is the most
• 30:32
  Jewish town on earth. I love that.
• 30:35
  I love all the the buzz of it and, and I can hear, I can hear
• 30:39
  the. People screaming.
• 30:41
  People screaming, I can hear Rhapsody in Blue in my head.
• 30:45
  You know, I get all that sort of vibe.
• 30:46
  Yeah, Yeah. But other than that, I'm not
• 30:50
  that. I'm not that bothered about
• 30:52
  America. I mean, it obviously has a
• 30:54
  incredibly pervasive. It's it's everywhere, especially
• 30:58
  at the moment. Oh yeah.
• 30:59
  But it's not. It was not a place that I ever
• 31:03
  thought I must go. India was the one I wanted to go
• 31:05
  to. What are your dreams that you
• 31:07
  have still in comedy to conquer? Like any places that you haven't
• 31:14
  done it that you want to do. What you mean theatres or you
• 31:18
  mean? Theatres or whatever I'd.
• 31:20
  Like to, I mean, I'm touring now and I'm enjoying it and I'd like
• 31:23
  to do that for another 20 years if I can, right?
• 31:28
  I'd like to. I'd like to try and write a
• 31:30
  film. I'd like to just try different
• 31:34
  things and keep being creative and see what.
• 31:37
  Happens now. Are you able to write while
• 31:39
  you're on tour? Is.
• 31:41
  This I do. You know what?
• 31:42
  Not as I mean. I write other stuff while I'm on
• 31:44
  tour, but not the show. I know different people work
• 31:48
  different ways. I tend to get the show pretty
• 31:51
  much in order for when I go, and then I'm playing a little bit.
• 31:54
  Yeah, but I'm not, I'm not altering it that much.
• 31:57
  It has lengthened a little bit, but not tonnes.
• 32:00
  So I'm doing an hour and a half and that's fine.
• 32:03
  An hour and a half. And I'm doing, yeah, I'm doing
• 32:06
  40, break 50. Nice.
• 32:08
  I like doing that, but some people have support but I quite
• 32:11
  like it all to myself. That's great.
• 32:13
  Unbelievably needy. Rich.
• 32:15
  I was. I was listening, you know, I
• 32:17
  don't know if you know, but I was neglected as a child and I
• 32:19
  need the Agilent. That's right, on a nightly
• 32:22
  basis. On a nightly basis, Yeah, no
• 32:25
  support. I mean, maybe if I do bigger
• 32:26
  rooms I might, but we'll see. And so you're in the middle of a
• 32:30
  tour right now. Well yes, I've got three dates
• 32:32
  this week and then I'm actually out, got a month off because I
• 32:35
  thought I was going to Australia but I'm not.
• 32:37
  And then I'm back at it in May and then I go out and then I go
• 32:41
  to Edinburgh to with a new show and then I take the old show
• 32:44
  back on the road in September for another 3.
• 32:46
  Minutes. So you're just constantly going
• 32:48
  out. Gig I I think 4-5 nights a week,
• 32:53
  four nights a week is probably good and then take a bit of a
• 32:57
  rest because it takes a lot out of you.
• 32:58
  Now, where do you work your stuff out?
• 33:01
  I mean, you got to have a place where you kind.
• 33:05
  Of Secret, the Comedy Store, the gigs in London.
• 33:08
  Really. Yeah.
• 33:08
  And I just try stuff and play and oh, yeah, that works.
• 33:13
  Maybe I'll try that. I guess.
• 33:14
  So maybe mainly those two. Have you ever done a gig where
• 33:17
  it's just all new stuff? Yeah, but I don't really like
• 33:20
  doing those. I tend to like doing.
• 33:22
  I tend to like doing regular gigs where I Chuck in new stuff
• 33:26
  here and there because it feels more natural than going.
• 33:29
  Oh, it is another bit. What?
• 33:30
  What do you think of this? It doesn't feel I'm not in a
• 33:33
  flow. Yeah, in a way that.
• 33:35
  Do you ever open an act with just new stuff?
• 33:38
  No. No.
• 33:39
  Get the kiss of death. Get in first, get in first, Get
• 33:43
  your. Free.
• 33:43
  Get them to love you. Exactly.
• 33:45
  And then and then go. What do you reckon?
• 33:47
  Yeah, that's how I do it. Yeah, but everyone works
• 33:50
  differently. Some people like doing work in
• 33:52
  progress stuff. I didn't do any work in
• 33:53
  progress. I just, I had, I did.
• 33:56
  I did. I did previews for the Edinburgh
• 33:57
  show. So the show I'm touring now is
• 33:59
  the Edinburgh show that I did last year, plus another 20
• 34:03
  minutes or something like that. And I previewed the Edinburgh
• 34:06
  show and I've got it up to speed.
• 34:08
  Very light, I have to say. I mean, two guys performing up,
• 34:12
  yeah. But even this felt like for me,
• 34:14
  two days before I got up there. Well, three days I thought I got
• 34:18
  this ain't going to work. And then and then I did one that
• 34:20
  night and I thought, OK, well done.
• 34:23
  And then I took it up there and then.
• 34:25
  And then I had about four months to try and get the other 20
• 34:28
  minutes, half an hour into gear and I just about managed that
• 34:32
  here. We are.
• 34:33
  Well, I mean, this is the other development that I've noticed is
• 34:38
  I come back here and there are all these shows that are titled
• 34:41
  Work in Progress, Yeah, which I never experienced before.
• 34:47
  I think it's great because people know what to expect at
• 34:51
  least. Do you know what I think?
• 34:53
  To a certain extent, it's always a work in progress.
• 34:56
  Yes. It's always you always, you
• 34:59
  know, depending on how you feel, how they are, how whatever,
• 35:03
  whatever's going on. But people do these shows where
• 35:06
  they come out with bits of paper and they try and read.
• 35:09
  I just, I don't, I don't do that really.
• 35:11
  I don't. I can't.
• 35:12
  Well, wouldn't you do a well honed act and it doesn't go well
• 35:16
  and you go, by the way, this is a work in progress.
• 35:18
  You can do that. Yes, that's right.
• 35:20
  I owe you £15 each. Yes.
• 35:22
  Yeah, I I just try it when I'm doing regular gigs.
• 35:26
  Right, right. And and seem to build it up and
• 35:29
  I don't, I don't seem to have any problem.
• 35:31
  I mean, I say I don't. I don't seem to have any problem
• 35:33
  coming up with new stuff. I do have a problem coming up
• 35:35
  with new stuff. It's painful, but it seems to
• 35:38
  come. What do you do to get out of
• 35:41
  this writer's block if you have? Well, I don't really have a
• 35:43
  writer's block. I just keep trying.
• 35:47
  That's what I do, right? I keep trying.
• 35:49
  I keep going. All right, That's that's.
• 35:51
  But what? What does trying mean?
• 35:52
  Is it like talking to people or just?
• 35:55
  Keep getting up there, keep writing jokes and see if.
• 35:58
  They work, but I mean, where did the the jokes?
• 36:01
  Because this is something I've noticed about some comics,
• 36:04
  especially the ones that are on tour a lot.
• 36:07
  Their material starts to crystallise around their lives
• 36:11
  on tour. Like, there's a lot of plain
• 36:13
  jokes, there's a lot of hotel jokes, you know what I mean?
• 36:16
  You've got to sort of think about you.
• 36:19
  You use the news a lot. I I really for me.
• 36:22
  Sir, news a lot they call you. Sir News a lot.
• 36:26
  Captain Angles, Somebody called me.
• 36:28
  Who's that? Jared Christmas.
• 36:31
  I The news. The news is a big thing.
• 36:35
  The show I did beforehand was a lot of stuff about my dad,
• 36:39
  right? A lot of stuff about my
• 36:40
  upbringing and my parents, which was unusual.
• 36:43
  For me it was. That's great.
• 36:44
  The. First time I'd done that really
• 36:47
  and I enjoyed that. This one is a bit more back to
• 36:51
  social commentary really and and people really like social
• 36:57
  commentary, especially at the moment because they want to try
• 36:59
  and make sense of what's going on out there.
• 37:01
  Well, because we want somebody's been.
• 37:03
  Fire, isn't it? To tell us what's going.
• 37:05
  On happening and please tell us that we're not mad for thinking
• 37:08
  that this person's terrible or that so I'm just trying to and I
• 37:12
  and I and I never want to alienate people I mean I'm
• 37:14
  really not into alienating people so I do hold back a
• 37:17
  little bit on what I. Think of certain political.
• 37:19
  Parties And I say that I love Trump, and there's a big picture
• 37:21
  of Donald at the back of the stage, you know, and I lick it
• 37:25
  every so often. The thing is, it's so refreshing
• 37:28
  to see comedy somebody talk like that because the news, you just
• 37:35
  get this pablum or a commentary on news shows.
• 37:40
  Pablum is a great word. I'm not even sure what pablum
• 37:43
  means. I just just came out of my.
• 37:45
  Eyes and I just thought boys are pablum.
• 37:49
  What is it? Do we know what is?
• 37:51
  It's kind of like baby food, isn't?
• 37:53
  It it's just the news is like baby food.
• 37:56
  Well, they they spoon feed you these things and yeah, well,
• 38:01
  that's why I like podcasts where they break it down more and they
• 38:04
  just talk about it. I've.
• 38:06
  Never listened to a I've listened to one podcast.
• 38:09
  Really. No, I don't listen to podcasts.
• 38:10
  What about your own podcast? No, I'll never listen to that.
• 38:14
  Oh, are you going to listen to this?
• 38:16
  No, there's absolutely no chance.
• 38:18
  Sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't realise that
• 38:21
  was part of the deal. You have to listen to this for
• 38:24
  this podcast. I'm not getting paid for.
• 38:26
  I have to fucking listen to it as well.
• 38:28
  It's just me talking. I know what I say, all right?
• 38:31
  It's my, I live with these souls. 24 hours, mate.
• 38:33
  You only have to have an hour of this.
• 38:34
  But do you understand why people want to listen?
• 38:37
  Have we? Still have we not discovered
• 38:38
  what pablum is? Are you saying it is baby food?
• 38:40
  I. Think it's like.
• 38:42
  Kenny, we're now people at home going pablum.
• 38:46
  How can you not know what pablum is?
• 38:48
  Although actually I don't know anyone who does what.
• 38:50
  What's he say? It says there's a brand of
• 38:54
  precooked, soft, bland cereal for infants.
• 38:58
  Yeah, so. Yeah, you're right, baby food.
• 39:00
  So it's just basic baby food that were being spoon fat.
• 39:05
  I I see what you're saying, yeah.
• 39:09
  It is somebody's opinion. I want to try and make sense of
• 39:13
  it a little bit to try and to, to extract what's important out
• 39:17
  of it and listen your apps. That's what I I didn't even know
• 39:21
  if I think about it in those terms.
• 39:23
  I I mean a lot of it is just. This is well, you don't want to
• 39:26
  think too much. No, but this is no, I, I, I
• 39:29
  can't help it. Just I, I, I can't help it.
• 39:33
  It just goes round my head and sometimes it's like quite happy
• 39:36
  and sometimes it's raging, you know?
• 39:39
  And it is. Do you think there's some
• 39:41
  people, though, that think that this time with Trump and
• 39:45
  everything is almost it's because it's comedic in its own
• 39:50
  right. You can't really make fun of it,
• 39:53
  but you feel like you can. I think it's a fairpoint.
• 39:57
  I think certainly when like Trump won.
• 40:01
  I remember, even with George W Bush.
• 40:03
  Yeah, you know, now, now, now we hanker for the, for the, the
• 40:07
  days, the intellectual days of George W Bush.
• 40:12
  That dumb dumb. He used to say stuff and people
• 40:14
  would repeat it and I'd think you've got to do better, You've
• 40:18
  got to work harder than that. I think it happened with with
• 40:21
  Trump as well. No, I try and find some actual
• 40:24
  comedy in there. Yeah, yeah, I mean it.
• 40:28
  Yeah. Some of it is so grim, so grim.
• 40:31
  I talked a lot about the Middle East in the last show.
• 40:34
  I mean, a lot about the Middle East in the last show.
• 40:37
  You know, from a Jewish persuade.
• 40:38
  Some people go don't touch the Middle East.
• 40:40
  It's. A hotbed, they.
• 40:43
  Yeah, but that's why I'm there. That's right.
• 40:45
  And also, I've got skin in the game, as I used to say, not as
• 40:48
  much skin as I used to. Not as much skin, obviously, the
• 40:52
  skin that was left to me after, you know, whatever skin I've got
• 40:56
  left that was not stolen anyway. You get a joke.
• 40:58
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 41:00
  So I used to talk about it from, you know, from a Jewish
• 41:03
  perspective, but try and be balanced about it.
• 41:05
  Exactly. And see if I can make it work.
• 41:07
  And. And I and, and in the main, I
• 41:09
  think I did. I didn't have people getting
• 41:10
  angry with me, really. I think that it is a difficult
• 41:14
  thing to do. Well, it is.
• 41:16
  But I really, you engage. You got to engage in critical
• 41:19
  thinking, haven't you? Yes.
• 41:22
  And there's so many people who don't.
• 41:24
  I love it. But that's my job.
• 41:26
  That's our job. It's to do that if you're going
• 41:28
  to talk. About It's my job.
• 41:29
  It's your. It is your job as well.
• 41:32
  Now, I don't know if you've seen, of course you haven't seen
• 41:35
  it. We have.
• 41:37
  We have a segment, Oh yeah, a formatted segment called Fill in
• 41:43
  the Blank. Oh, yeah.
• 41:43
  OK, OK, yeah. So I give you 5 questions.
• 41:46
  You have to fill in the blank. It's not blankety blank, no.
• 41:50
  It's just blank. One blank.
• 41:52
  And you don't have to be funny. It's just whatever comes in the
• 41:56
  unit. All right, You ready?
• 41:58
  No, OK. The one food I absolutely,
• 42:01
  absolutely cannot do without is blank.
• 42:09
  Can I? Can I fruit?
• 42:11
  Fruit, OH. I fucking love fruit.
• 42:14
  Grapes. Every fruit.
• 42:16
  Bananas. You can listen.
• 42:18
  We can go through the fruits. Oh my God, No.
• 42:21
  I don't really eat a lot of dragon fruit, but I'd love
• 42:24
  fruit. I know.
• 42:25
  I'm a fruit freak. Really.
• 42:27
  Are people? Have you seen the scene?
• 42:30
  You've seen The Odd Couple. Of course, you've seen The Odd
• 42:31
  Couple, right? The Movie.
• 42:33
  Yeah, Jack, Walter, Matthew, you know, when he sniffed the melon?
• 42:36
  Yeah. And the woman says, how many
• 42:38
  days has this got? And he sniffs the melon.
• 42:39
  He goes two days. I do that in my local fruit
• 42:41
  shop. Really.
• 42:42
  Don't you squeeze the lemon? Melon, melon.
• 42:46
  You can squeeze them as well. Yeah, don't get those mixed up.
• 42:49
  You can. I do like sometimes it's touch
• 42:51
  and obviously it's the top and you see how much give it's got.
• 42:54
  But I'm I'm the fruit. Freak.
• 42:56
  Isn't a tomato a fruit? Yes, yes.
• 43:00
  Isn't that the? Seeds are on the inside.
• 43:02
  Is that what it is? Isn't that the whole discussion
• 43:05
  is knowledge? Is knowing that tomato is a
• 43:09
  fruit intelligence? Is knowing not to put it in a
• 43:12
  fruit salad. Yes.
• 43:13
  Isn't that the point? Yes, yeah, but no.
• 43:15
  But I do love fruit. Oh my gosh.
• 43:17
  Yeah, yeah, yeah. So my kids love fruit.
• 43:19
  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fresh cherries.
• 43:22
  Oh my God. Plums.
• 43:24
  All of it. All of it.
• 43:25
  I spend so much money on fruit my.
• 43:27
  Greens. Let's go through.
• 43:29
  You go to green grocers, or I mean, do you?
• 43:32
  Suppose special shops, special fruit shops.
• 43:34
  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't tell you any more than
• 43:36
  that. Blank was the last time I
• 43:38
  inappropriately fell asleep. Oh, my son.
• 43:45
  Well, when my kids were at school and I had to go to see
• 43:48
  the like and perform and I woke up for him.
• 43:52
  Did they see you? No, my missus was nudging me
• 43:55
  because I started to snore a little bit.
• 43:57
  I was. Did you do one of those like?
• 43:59
  Yeah, yeah. I was so bored.
• 44:01
  I mean, they're only like 10 or 11, so they're not very good at
• 44:04
  whatever they're doing, you know?
• 44:06
  Here's my piano piece. Are you sit through a lot of
• 44:08
  shit when you're a. Parent Oh, it was some music.
• 44:10
  It was a music thing or a plan, but my son was lost.
• 44:14
  That's just. And I was like, can't I just
• 44:16
  turn up here for him? She said.
• 44:17
  No, you've got to be in the whole thing.
• 44:19
  So I fell asleep. I think that was inappropriate.
• 44:21
  No, I understand. I would blank if Arsenal ever
• 44:26
  got relegated. I, I, I don't.
• 44:32
  I'm not accepting the premise of the question.
• 44:33
  What? It's a hypothetical.
• 44:36
  I would I would be amazed then if Arsenal ever got relegated.
• 44:41
  Isn't it the long the team that's not been relegated, the.
• 44:44
  Longest, yes, since 1920 or something.
• 44:48
  Yes. You know, we're very good and
• 44:49
  it's unlikely that we will. But if Arsenal got relegated, I
• 44:52
  would. I would.
• 44:53
  I'm not gonna say I would kill myself because I don't think
• 44:55
  it's worth doing it for that, but I would be very upset.
• 44:59
  And what do you think of that, Wrexham?
• 45:02
  Lovely story. Lovely.
• 45:04
  I've never seen the documentary, but lovely story.
• 45:06
  Ryan Reynolds. Yes.
• 45:07
  I'm Rob Mcelhenney. Yeah, yeah, It's a lovely story.
• 45:10
  And it and it's, Yes, and it's and it's reinvigorated the whole
• 45:15
  city, town, whatever. Wrexham.
• 45:17
  It's made it's, it's changed everything about the place.
• 45:19
  There are gods there. And so they should be.
• 45:22
  It's beautiful, it's a beautiful story and I hope they get to the
• 45:24
  Premier League. They don't have to buy a drink
• 45:27
  in that time and. No, no, it's a great, it's a
• 45:30
  great story, so. Besides my family, the thing I
• 45:34
  miss most when I'm touring is blank.
• 45:38
  Besides, I don't really miss my. Phone.
• 45:40
  Oh, OK, All right. Forget.
• 45:42
  It, I mean, I mean my Mrs, I've phoned her up once in a while
• 45:45
  and she honestly, she goes yes. And I'm like, I just thought I'd
• 45:48
  say hello, right. And so I'm in York.
• 45:52
  I'm in York, I'm by Minster. What do I miss most aside from I
• 46:00
  don't really miss it? I don't know.
• 46:01
  I miss company, that's what I miss.
• 46:03
  Right, I miss because you're alone a lot on.
• 46:06
  Tour. On tour?
• 46:07
  Yeah. You don't have a support, do I?
• 46:08
  Yeah. So I miss the company.
• 46:09
  That's the thing, yeah. That's why some people do get a.
• 46:14
  That's why some people do get support.
• 46:16
  What for company? Yeah, yeah.
• 46:18
  But you'd have to really like someone, wouldn't you, to spend
• 46:20
  40 or 50 days with them and they go to the Dome Museum and they'd
• 46:24
  have to really like me as well. And I think that's more
• 46:26
  difficult. OK.
• 46:27
  So I am, I think I miss the company, but it's been nice on
• 46:31
  this too, because I've been like, I've got mates obviously
• 46:34
  all over because that's what you do.
• 46:35
  You collect pals. I was in Newcastle, I saw my pal
• 46:38
  Yvonne, you know, Yvonne, Davy's sister, David, John's sister,
• 46:43
  yeah. And I know her and I went out
• 46:45
  for dinner with her and her pals and her kids.
• 46:48
  That's great. After the gig and in Glasgow I
• 46:50
  saw two friends of mine that I hadn't seen for a while.
• 46:52
  It was. Just great.
• 46:53
  So every town there's friends. Yeah, but I do I need the
• 46:56
  company. Yeah, not very good on my own.
• 46:59
  Upset last question. Blank is the worst place you can
• 47:04
  go on holiday. Where have I been that I really
• 47:09
  didn't like well? I don't know.
• 47:14
  Yeah, Kevin, tell me, well, what's the worst place to go on
• 47:17
  holiday? Well I know Iran right now
• 47:19
  website that would be a bad place to go on holiday.
• 47:22
  Or maybe not. Maybe they'd be so grateful
• 47:25
  you're there. They give you a 5 star
• 47:28
  treatment. Isn't it all right with the
• 47:29
  Jews? I think the people are actually.
• 47:34
  It's just a regime, those bastards, those Muslim clerics.
• 47:38
  And I've done, I've done clerical work.
• 47:42
  When I did it, it was just filing.
• 47:44
  What about Antarctica? That would be terrible.
• 47:47
  I've never been into those holidays.
• 47:49
  Do you know what worst place cruise ships quite I I feel
• 47:54
  you've done a cruise. I know and I felt suicidal on
• 47:56
  the last one I went on. Because you feel trapped.
• 47:58
  Because you just know where to go.
• 48:00
  Well, what about like all those cruise ships where they had
• 48:04
  COVID and then they were stuck on that?
• 48:06
  You imagine. Oh my God, could you imagine
• 48:09
  that would be the worst place a cruise ship during COVID?
• 48:12
  Yeah, would be the worst place to go on holiday.
• 48:15
  I think we've established you added, and that should be the
• 48:17
  answer there, right? Doesn't matter who you ask that
• 48:20
  that would be the one. All right, well, we're going to
• 48:23
  end it with Plug Time. Anything you'd like to plug?
• 48:28
  Your podcast, Your tour? How How do people buy tickets?
• 48:34
  Yeah, if you want to come and see the tour,
• 48:36
  ianstonecomedian.co.uk. Stony.
• 48:40
  Well, you put Stony in, but you won't get me, right,
• 48:43
  ianstonecomedian.co.uk or follow me on Instagram and I'll put it
• 48:48
  up there regularly. Ian Stone Comedy.
• 48:50
  So just look for Instone comedy and you'll find me and you can
• 48:53
  get tickets. And if you're a gooner, an
• 48:56
  Arsenal fan. OK.
• 48:58
  Listen to hand break off. I guess go Arsenal.
• 49:02
  What's the? Don't say go Arsenal, you sound
• 49:05
  ridiculous. Go Arsenal, American fans.
• 49:10
  Well, that's the thing, we have no good chance.
• 49:12
  Yeah, because you're not proper fans.
• 49:14
  It's sort of weird. Yeah, American sports.
• 49:17
  I mean, I like, I listen, I quite like watching the
• 49:19
  basketball, but I don't know, it's it's not the same.
• 49:22
  What you need are proper rivalries.
• 49:24
  You need. Actual madness.
• 49:26
  I don't even know what that is. What is that?
• 49:27
  With the college basketball. Yeah, but even still, I mean,
• 49:31
  even still you don't get you. Have you ever been to a football
• 49:34
  match here? Yeah.
• 49:35
  What have you? What did you say?
• 49:37
  Soccer, I mean. It was one of the lower leagues.
• 49:41
  All right. Well, I mean, even still, yeah.
• 49:43
  But if you go, let's say you go to a big game, Arsenal against
• 49:45
  Man United or Arsenal against Tottenham, that's genuine
• 49:49
  hatred. Now, obviously I'm not saying
• 49:51
  it's not crazy and it's not. There are people in the
• 49:55
  Tottenham section who I would happily have let babysit my
• 49:57
  kids, right? But for an hour and a half, I
• 50:00
  could no more have a rational conversation with them than I
• 50:02
  could with, you know, I don't know, Ayatollah Khamenei.
• 50:07
  Right or some it's that level. It's disdain.
• 50:11
  It's not disdain, it's hatred. It's not.
• 50:14
  It's hatred, it's genuine. And for that moment it is
• 50:16
  genuine. And America, American sport does
• 50:19
  not have that. No, do you know, in the same way
• 50:22
  that I like it in American sport when they go around with the
• 50:24
  camera, right? And they they put on one person
• 50:26
  and they go hi, hi. I'm getting.
• 50:29
  All that, right? If you went round Arsenal with
• 50:33
  the camera now everybody's going fuck off, right?
• 50:36
  I mean, they would in America. They get arrested for that.
• 50:39
  You may catch two people having an affair.
• 50:42
  Oh, that's right, the Coldplay. Couple, yeah, that's.
• 50:45
  Right, you got to watch yourself.
• 50:46
  Yep, I love Coldplay, really, I really do.
• 50:50
  And I, I've seen them a few times, seen them at Glastonbury.
• 50:53
  Look at that part I. Saw some, I saw some amazing gig
• 50:56
  I saw Radiohead in in December in Copenhagen.
• 51:00
  It was like a religious experience.
• 51:02
  Oh my God. It was the closest I've come to
• 51:04
  a religious experience. I mean, just to see the five of
• 51:06
  them do their thing and they're so talented and it.
• 51:10
  The sound. Everything it took my it blew my
• 51:13
  mind. You know what I've heard is like
• 51:15
  a religious experience? It's a Neil Diamond concert.
• 51:19
  Everybody knows the words. They're all.
• 51:22
  It's like a frenzy. Did you?
• 51:25
  Did you sing Jerusalem? When?
• 51:27
  At the Neil Diamond concert. I didn't go.
• 51:29
  Oh, OK, I've heard that. It's like I love Jerusalem.
• 51:33
  It was in The Jazz Singer. It's a great song.
• 51:35
  Yeah, yeah. Do you know what you can find
• 51:37
  me? You know that song?
• 51:39
  Yes way. To Jerusalem.
• 51:40
  Lovely song. Yeah.
• 51:41
  And I, I love that song. So yeah.
• 51:44
  But this is the thing about live music.
• 51:45
  I mean, I do, you know, we haven't really talked about
• 51:48
  that, but live music is such a huge thing for me.
• 51:52
  I go to gigs when I can, I go dancing when I can.
• 51:54
  I love it. Well, next time we'll have to
• 51:56
  talk about that. I will do that.
• 51:58
  But in the meantime, thank you, Ian.
• 52:00
  I mean Stoney and good luck with everything.
• 52:03
  Thank you, Rich. It's lovely to see you.
• 52:05
  Yeah, great to see. You hands, it's so sort of
• 52:07
  formal. Well, yeah, that's the Way I am.
• 52:12
  That was Ian Stone. Yeah.
• 52:15
  Now, if you really like this, a podcast press like and subscribe
• 52:21
  or review and follow whatever streaming channel you're on, do
• 52:24
  your thing to help support the podcast because we really
• 52:28
  appreciate it. Thank you.
• 52:30
  And also, if you'd like to become a podcast member of
• 52:34
  Patreon, Yeah, you can get the episodes a couple of days early
• 52:40
  and that'll make you the cool kid on the block.
• 52:45
  So appreciate it. Thank you.
• 52:47
  Bye. I've got 10 fingers still.
• 53:05
  Rich vultures talk box.