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147. Direct is Kind · Impact Ready

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  Welcome to Impact Ready, a show dedicated to helping you elevate
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  your impact in the world. I'm Steph Safra, your host.
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  Let's explore the power of showing up with intention and
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  energy each day. This is for those who seek to
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  make life truly meaningful. Get ready for impact.
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  Hi everyone, thanks for being here.
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  I hope you had an awesome weekend.
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  Today is Monday and in this episode we are going to talk
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  about communication. Something that tends to either
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  help or hinder our ability to have positive impact and to have
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  strong relationships in general is our communication.
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  Communication is a really messy thing and it seems like it
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  shouldn't be. One person says something to the
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  other person and it is expected that the other person will hear
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  exactly what is being said and everything will be clear and
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  sorted out. But that's not actually the case
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  at all. Communication is one of the
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  messiest things that you can have in interpersonal
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  relationships, and there's no escaping it.
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  What actually happens is one person says something, but there
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  are a lot of other things implied, implied messages that
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  are not being said. Things like old resentments or
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  hidden feelings or hopes or dreams, ulterior motives, maybe
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  another agenda. So they say the thing and the
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  other person doesn't just hear it and register it, they filter
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  it through their beingness. Things like their experiences,
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  their feelings, what's going on that day, the history with that
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  person, their prejudices or biases, their hopes and dreams.
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  So you have two people's filters of experiences and
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  interpretations smashing together like waves crashing.
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  That listener is also taking into account the other person's
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  body language, their tone of voice, the volume, the timing.
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  So it turns out the words being said are actually just a very
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  small part of the communication as a whole.
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  And you can see how things can get pretty messy.
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  How many times have you had a conversation with somebody that
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  went totally wrong and you had no expectation that it was going
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  to? You said something, the other
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  person misinterpreted it, they got upset with you, you
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  responded in defensiveness and it ended up in this big argument
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  and all you were trying to communicate was that you would
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  like some help loading the dishwasher or try this one.
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  You send a text to somebody and you saw those 3 little dots pop
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  up immediately, but then they disappear and it's radio silence
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  for hours afterwards and all you can think is shit.
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  What did I say? Did it make them mad?
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  Why aren't they responding to me?
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  We've all been there because this is a part of being human,
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  the communication piece, and because we've all been there and
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  we all talk to people every day and we're all involved in
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  multiple relationships of various kinds.
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  It would make sense, team, that if we got better at
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  communicating, everything would get a little better.
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  In general, if I think back on the relationships that I've had
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  and the arguments or some of the friction or the resistance that
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  has happened within my relationships, I can usually
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  trace it back to poor communication.
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  And most often it's my lack of directness that I could
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  attribute it to. Now, the other person was
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  probably not being direct either.
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  But when we think about ownership and what we can own
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  within our own selves, I can take responsibility for the fact
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  that I didn't really know how to be direct.
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  I was letting my own limiting beliefs in saboteurs getting in
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  the way of me saying what I needed to say and things that
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  would have probably helped the situation and made the
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  relationship better. And this happens a lot,
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  especially in our teens, you know, adolescents, young
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  adulthood, 20s, thirties, because we're not really taught
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  how to communicate well. This idea of directness is
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  really not a skill that we learn.
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  It's a skill that we all need. But I don't ever remember in
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  class learning how to be direct in communication unless you were
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  specifically mastering in communication in college.
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  And when I said earlier that if we got better at communicating,
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  everything would get a little better, what I mean is our
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  relationships would be a lot better.
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  There would be less conflict. There would be less drama.
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  We would feel more peace in our own lives because we spend so
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  much mental bandwidth thinking about our relationships in our
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  conversations. We spend so much time having
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  conversations in our head that will never happen.
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  And even if they do happen, they will never go the way that they
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  went in our head. And so to be able to remove all
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  of that stress, free up all that energy that is spent on thinking
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  about communication and just being direct, it is such a
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  gateway to more peace and more ease and therefore more impact.
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  We can just be a better person. We can be a better leader.
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  There's a woman named Kim Scott. She wrote this book called
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  Radical Candor, and Kim Scott was very high up in leadership
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  at Google and then she moved to Apple.
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  So she had a lot of experience leading teams and dealing with
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  different company cultures and personalities and leadership
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  styles, etcetera. And so she wrote this book.
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  And she says the key to getting everyone used to being direct
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  when you're challenging each other is emphasizing that it's
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  crucial to communicate clearly enough so there's no room for
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  interpretation, but also to be communicating humbly.
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  And that's why she used the word candor in her title, because it
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  implies that you're simply offering your own view of what's
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  going on. It's not that.
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  It's the absolute truth. She describes also in the book
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  something that surprises people. Often times we hold back our
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  communication because we fear the response from other people.
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  We're afraid that people will get angry or even get vindictive
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  when we are direct with them. And what she writes is that
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  instead, people are actually usually pretty grateful for the
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  chance to talk things through. And even if you do get initial
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  anger or resentment or sullenness, those emotions tend
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  to be pretty fleeting when the person knows that you really
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  care about them. And I remember as I was reading
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  this, it solidified something that I felt within myself for a
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  long time but never really said out loud, which is direct
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  communication is actually kinder.
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  It actually leads to less problems and less drama.
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  And that makes a lot of sense. But that's not what we feel in
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  our bodies or our hearts or our minds.
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  What we feel is that if we say something that might be
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  misconstrued as criticism or judgement, or we're actually
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  giving criticism or judgement, people are going to be pissed at
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  us. It's going to become a problem.
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  And because some of us, many people want to avoid conflict at
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  all costs, it keeps us from being direct and it puts us in
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  this cycle, this wash cycle of passive aggressive communication
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  that can go on for a long time. For anybody who has struggled
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  with any kind of people pleasing, you are probably very
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  familiar with this because the people pleaser saboteur tells us
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  that we shouldn't make waves. And so we do everything we can
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  to avoid causing conflict. And it becomes this recipe for
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  years of things being unsaid and for things to build up when they
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  could have actually been diffused pretty quickly had we
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  simply just said what we felt in a kind, compassionate way.
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  I don't know if you guys know who Jefferson Fisher is.
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  He's become pretty famous on Instagram for his short tips
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  that he gives about communication from his
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  experience as a trial lawyer. You could always see him sitting
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  in his truck when he's on IG and he looks directly at the camera
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  and he just lays out these gems, these pearls of wisdom for
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  people and they all relate to communication and standing up
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  for yourself. Well, he wrote this book called
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  The Next Conversation, and I swear to God I've listened to it
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  three Times Now. If you haven't read this book,
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  go out and get it or buy it right now on Audible or Kindle.
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  I'm not kidding you. It's so incredibly helpful.
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  There are two ideas from his book that really stick out to me
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  that I think about all the time. The first one is that with all
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  the digital ways that we can communicate now, text message,
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  Snapchat, WhatsApp, all those things, all of these digital
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  messages are lacking our tone and voice and the ability to see
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  the person in front of you with all their body language and all
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  their facial, facial features. He describes that even though
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  all the digital stuff we do is lumped into the category of
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  communication, just like talking to someone in real life is,
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  there is a difference. He calls the digital
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  communication transmission. It's not true connection.
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  It's transmission. Connection is when you're
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  actually sitting in front of somebody or you can see somebody
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  and you're having a conversation because you can pick up on all
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  the little nuances, the tone, the volume, the looks, the
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  energy of somebody. Whereas with digital
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  communication you miss all of that.
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  And that's why it's simply transmission of information.
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  It's not actual connection. It would be like reading sheet
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  music and expecting to have that same kind of feeling that you
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  would have when you were listening to the actual music
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  itself. They're not the same.
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  It's a totally different experience.
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  And even though we kind of know that intuitively, I think we
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  forget how important that is. Transmission verse connection.
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  Anybody with a teenager can probably relate to this.
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  For example, you might write a long heartfelt message to your
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  kid and they'll respond with a text that just says OK, like the
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  letters OK, or like a damn thumbs up sign and you're kind
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  of hurt, like a little annoyed. Whereas the scene would be
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  totally different if the kid was in front of you.
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  They might not say much more than OK if you're saying
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  something sentimental, but you'd be able to see the little slight
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  smile on their face or the eyes that make contact with yours or
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  the body language when they give you a quick hug and then they
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  run down the stairs. So that's the first thing that
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  really sticks out in my mind. Transmission verse connection.
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  The second thing he says that I love because it so accurately
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  describes what so many of us feel is this statement.
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  The person you see isn't the person you're talking to.
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  The person you see isn't the person you're talking to.
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  And if you think about an ocean, when you look at an ocean, you
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  might see calm waters on the surface all the way to the
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  horizon, or you might see thrashing waves.
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  But underneath the surface there's a whole world of things
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  going on that much more accurately describes what an
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  ocean is. And the same is true of people.
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  You might see a Co worker who seems agitated or irritated.
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  They might be giving short replies to everything people
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  say, but who you are talking to is someone who didn't sleep well
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  last night because they're trying to figure out how to get
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  their brother to go to rehab. What you see is an angry driver
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  who cuts you off and gives you the bird as they drive by, but
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  who you're really looking at is someone who's driving in the
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  hospital for the 6th time that week because their spouse is
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  there with a brain injury. You might see the cashier in
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  front of you who is Spacey and slow and inattentive, but the
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  cashier you're talking to is worrying about how they're going
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  to afford their kids school supplies on their tiny salary.
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  The person you see isn't the person you're talking to.
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  Like I said, everybody deals with messy communication in
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  their lives. We are all in perfect beings who
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  have our own filters for the world, our own blind spots and
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  patterns of behavior, our own saboteurs, our unique lived
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  experiences. We can't expect that we're
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  always going to be on the same page.
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  So in the spirit of more directness, I have two things
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  that I think about a lot that can be powerful to help shift
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  the conversation to more of a radical candor, as Kim Scott
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  would say. The first one is to set the
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  frame. When you're about to have a
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  tough conversation or you don't exactly know what you're going
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  to say, set the frame for the conversation.
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  And what this means is setting expectations for the other
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  person so they know where you're going with all this.
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  It might look like saying this is going to be a difficult
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  conversation or this is going to be hard for me to say, or I'm
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  not exactly sure how to say this.
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  But I want to be direct with you.
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  It lets the listener know that you're coming to them with
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  compassion and honesty and also that you're not perfect.
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  So you set the frame from the very beginning of the
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  conversation. You can also set the frame for
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  the end of the conversation. You can say things like I'd like
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  to walk away with a better understanding of how you feel,
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  or I'd like us to both talk this out, or I'd like us to leave
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  this talk both feeling heard. That way you have an end goal
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  that's realistic. The second thing that is really
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  helpful to have more direct open communication is to get curious.
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  And to do that, you can ask questions that start with what?
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  What made you feel that way? What are you feeling in your
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  body right now? What is it that you would really
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  like to say to me if you didn't have to worry about how I
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  reacted? The reason this is helpful is
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  because you can then understand what the other person is really
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  feeling without filling the gaps of context with your own ideas
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  or presumptions or assumptions. Because that's what the human
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  brain does. It fills in the gaps with your
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  incomplete information, and that's where we get into
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  trouble. This curiosity allows for
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  directness in that you're getting to the root of the issue
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  much faster. So those are two things that I
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  put in practice as much as I can so that I can have direct
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  communication with people. And there's no expectation that
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  we're going to nail every conversation.
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  Sometimes it's really just messy.
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  If I look back in my life and think about conversations that
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  were hard or went wrong, I can see so clearly now that it was
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  my miscommunications or my lack of skills around communication
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  and being direct. If we could get a little bit
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  better at this, at being direct and understand a little bit more
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  about how we communicate and who we are actually communicating
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  with God, I think the world would be a lot better place.
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  And I know for sure that you would be a better leader in
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  whatever facets you lead. You'd be a better spouse, a
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  better parent. You'd be able to create a more
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  peaceful, fulfilled life for yourself.
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  I mean, the list of rewards goes on and on and on.
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  So my challenge to you this week is to remember that direct is
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  kind. Say things with care and
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  compassion. Set the frame for the
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  conversations that you have so that people know the intent, and
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  be curious with people so you can get to the root of the issue
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  faster. Direct is kind, so I hope this
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  helps. I hope this episode is something
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  that is practical for you and you can put it into use so you
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  can start seeing the changes in the shifts quickly.
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  I mean, that is the goal because we want impact.
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  And if you listen to my previous episode, Success Love Speed, the
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  quicker we can go from idea to action, the faster the
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  transformation we get. So I hope that you have an
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  awesome week. Thank you for being here and as
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  always, thank you for being ready to Impact.
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  Thanks for listening to Impact Ready.
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  I hope today's episode inspired you to own your impact and
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  recognize that you are powerful. By elevating our energy and
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  awareness, we can create exponential change in this life.
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  If you enjoyed today's insights, share them with a friend and
• 16:02
  subscribe to the show for more. I truly appreciate you.
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  Thanks again for being here.