Latest / The Divorce Decision Podcast / Episode 1: How to Protect Your Relationship From Yourself

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Episode 1: How to Protect Your Relationship From Yourself · The Divorce Decision Podcast

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Lucky in Love, a podcast where we explore what really makes and breaks relationships.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: So whether you're head over heels in love, caught up in the middle of some relationship drama, or just trying to figure it all out, you're in the right place.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Are you ready to be lucky in love?
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Join me.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Carrie Hoskins.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's jump in.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome everyone to the very first episode of Lucky in Love.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: I am so glad that you're joining me today.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Before I get started, I would like to ask if you could please give me a follow and also if you could share this podcast with people in your life because I'm really hoping to help more people have happier, healthier relationships.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: So today we're going to be talking about how to safeguard or protect your relationship from yourself.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: We're going to talk about first what that even means.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: We're going to talk about how to do it.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: And at the end of the episode, I'm going to be sharing with you what I think you can do with this information.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: And regardless of where you're at, whether you are single, in a newly dating relationship, or if you've been in a long-term committed relationship for more than 20 years, there is literally something for everyone in this episode today.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: But of course, you're going to get out of it what you put into it.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: So please, as you're listening to this, I want you to be thinking about your own situation and your own life and relationships as we go through the episode today.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm going to start by sharing a story from a former client.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: And of course I asked permission before sharing this, but I'm sharing this with you because her story and the conversation that we had not only changed the way that I thought about relationships, but it also opened my eyes to the fact that most people are so caught up in the minutiae and they're so used to their patterns that they're not taking a step back and looking at the relationships from an objective perspective.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: They're not taking a step back to look at how certain behaviors or actions are having an impact on their relationships.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: And so this is kind of one of the things that I'm hoping to change.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: So this woman reached out to me about five years ago because her husband, she'd been married for 12 years and they had two kids.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Her husband had asked her for a divorce and she was reeling.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: She felt absolutely blindsided and did not know what to do with herself, did not even know where to start healing or how to grieve or what to do.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: So that's why she reached out to me for help.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: And so, of course, I asked her to share her story.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm just going to share the parts that I think are the most relevant and pertinent for you and for this episode.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Basically, you know, most relationships have one underlying issue.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: You're going to catch theirs pretty quickly, I think.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: She had admitted to me, and this is all from her side, she had admitted to me that she had a bit of a bad temper.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: She'd always had a hard time controlling her anger.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: And she would oftentimes fly off the handle at big things, at little things, whatever.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: And so, in her relationship, when she and her husband were dating, was they would have arguments and they would both engage.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: They were, they would yell at each other, scream at each other, slam doors.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: And then that would be followed by the silent treatment.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: And then they would make up.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: And then a couple months later, they'd have another argument.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: And she's, you know, she admitted that she's usually the one that escalated it.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: She enjoyed a little bit, I think, the adrenaline that goes along with a pretty intense anger.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: And they kind of continue the cycle of high conflict, high drama type arguments and conflicts in their relationship.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: But then after they got married, a couple years into their marriage, that lessened.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Not because she wasn't angry and upset, but because he started to disengage.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: So the more angry she became, the less he would talk.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: The more angry she became, the more he withdrew.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: And the more he withdrew, the more pissed off she got.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: And the more pissed off she got, the more he withdrew.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: And fast forward to when he asked her for a divorce, they had so much conflict and there was so much withdrawal then at that point that they were not talking about anything other than the kids and work, right?
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: There was no vulnerable communication.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: There was no open communication.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: They had very little emotional intimacy.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: And by the time he'd asked for a divorce, they had not had sex in almost two years.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: So this is the part of the story that kind of blows my mind.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: She she finishes her story and she's very sad.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: And she just kind of shakes her head and she says, I just don't understand.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: I don't understand how we got here.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: I don't understand how after 12 years, you know, we're getting a divorce.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what blew my mind that she was dumbfounded, that she didn't understand, that she didn't see it.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: And as gently as I could, I said, Well, it happened because you didn't protect your relationship from yourself.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: And ever since that conversation, this is kind of now how I'm looking at relationships.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Am I protecting my relationship from myself?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: Are you protecting your relationship from yourself?
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: That's what we're going to talk about today.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: So, what does it mean to protect your relationship from yourself?
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: To me, what this means is acknowledging, understanding, and changing your natural like responses and reactions in relationships that can damage or hurt your relationship.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: We all have a certain way of thinking and a certain way of behaving that is ingrained in us, right?
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: It starts when you're children because you learn relationship patterns from your parents or from your primary caregivers.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: And some of those things that we learn and we start doing are really good and healthy.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: And some of those patterns and things are not healthy.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: But the older you get, the more ingrained they become.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: And so by the time you enter into adulthood and are in adult relationships, you've already got a pretty ingrained way of being and behaving in relationships.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we often talk about patterns and relationships.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: What that basically means, a pattern is how you are behaving and interacting with each other over and over and over again in your relationship.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: So the first step to protect your relationship from yourself is, of course, self-awareness.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: What this means is taking an honest look at yourself.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: It means looking at how you behave in your relationship.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: And it means being really honest about how you respond to your partner's behaviors, how you respond to things that you don't like and situations that you don't like that come up in your life and in your relationship.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's what becoming self-aware means.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: So if you haven't done so already, I would like you to take just a minute and think about it.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: What is one tendency, habit, or pattern that you have that is having a negative impact on your relationship or that has had a negative impact on your relationship, right?
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: So like if you're single and you're not in a relationship right now, look to the past.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: Look at your past relationships.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: If you're in a committed relationship and your relationship is super smooth right now, that's awesome.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: But I want you to reflect back on things that have happened through the course of that relationship.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Identify just one of them, one thing that's having a negative impact.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: This might be easier for some of you than others, depending on how much relationship experience you have, and depending on how self-aware you are.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: So obviously, in the story that I shared in the beginning, her tendency or habit that she did not protect her relationship from was her lack of anger management, right?
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Her lack of being able to control her temper, her inability to be able to control her temper.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: I thought I would share mine and go first and be really vulnerable with you.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm an overfunctioner.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: An overfunctioner is someone who takes on the responsibilities of their partner, takes on the emotions, feelings, and needs of their partner.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: I've been married twice and my first marriage of 17 years, this had a really huge impact on our relationship.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: And by the end of our marriage, there was a lot of emotional and physical overwhelm and a lot of resentment on my part because of my overfunctioning, right?
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I am actually going to do a whole separate episode on overfunctioners and underfunctioners because this is a bit of a thing that people don't even realize exists.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: That will be for a future episode.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: So mine is overfunctioning.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: What is yours?
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Have you thought of it yet?
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: So step one is awareness.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Step two is learning what to do with it.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm an overfunctioner.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: I had to learn what that meant, why I was doing it, and how to stop it, right?
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Or what to do when I felt it happening.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: So that's step two is learning how to manage or deal with it, right?
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: So the very first part of this is simply noticing when your habit, your tendency, or your pattern is starting to happen in the moment.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: So now that I'm remarried, I'm very, very aware of when I'm starting to do overfunction-y things.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Is that even a word?
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: I think so.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: Overfunction-y things.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna go with it.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: So I have to be really diligent about catching myself when I start people pleasing, which is very common of overfunctioners.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: When I start being overly accommodating and it's starting to cause resentment.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: When I start problem solving shit that isn't mine, frankly.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: And then the second part of that is taking action.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: So when I notice that I'm doing something like over-accommodating or taking on my husband's problem that is not my problem and he did not ask me to fix, I have to stop myself.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: It means for me that I have to set and hold my boundaries, even if I start feeling bad or feeling guilty.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: I have a really hard time because I tend to feel guilty if I feel like I'm disappointing someone, specifically, especially my husband.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: So that is my work to do.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's my work to notice when I'm overfunctioning, and it's my work to not do it.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I have strategies to help me not do it, right?
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: So you need to figure out what yours is and learn what you should be doing about yours.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: That is how you start actively protecting your relationship from yourself.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: Now, some of you might be wondering, what about my significant other?
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: He's got a whole lot of stuff, or she's got this issue, right?
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Aren't they responsible?
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, of course they are.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone has something that they have to protect their relationship from, including your significant other.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the tricky part is that you can't fix that for them.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot force somebody to be aware.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot force somebody to change.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: You can give people ultimatums.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: That usually doesn't work, right?
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: What you need to do is working on, and this I think is your responsibility, is working on how you react to whatever their pattern, their tendency, or their habit is.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: That is your responsibility.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: That is part of protecting your relationship from yourself.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: So with the woman from the story in the beginning, you know, her husband in the beginning, when they were dating, he would really engage and go to toe-to-toe with her.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: That was not protecting the relationship.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: By the end, he had completely disengaged and withdrawn.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: That also was not protecting the relationship from himself, right?
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: His from his own response to her anger.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: So this is what I want you all to be starting to think about.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: In future episodes, I am going to talk about how to control your and manage your temper.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm also going to talk about how to be in a relationship with someone who does have an anger issue or a problem controlling their anger.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: That will be a future episode.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: But I hope you can see that part of preserving your relationship is really referring to both your own behaviors and then also your responses to your significant others' behaviors.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: All of that is a part of protecting your relationship.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: So I thought I would give you really quickly before we end some other examples of common patterns, common habits or tendencies that people have that they should be thinking about protecting their relationship from.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: So the first one is anger or temper, which you've already beat to death at this point.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: Defensiveness, not taking responsibility for your actions, being controlling or micromanaging of your partner, people pleasing, negativity.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: You guys, negativity has such a big impact on relationships.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: Your inability to handle stress, over anything, overthinking, overanalyzing, over-drinking, overspending, avoidance behaviors, things like uh avoiding hard conversations, avoiding dealing with conflict, sweeping things under the rug, because these can all have a negative impact on your relationship.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: The inability to be open and vulnerable, your inability to communicate with your partner.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: These are all habits, patterns, and tendencies that I want you to start thinking about.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: How are they or are they impacting your relationship?
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so now what do we do with this information?
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: Well, if you are single or newly dating, this is your time to really reflect on your past habits and your past patterns in your relationships.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: I would work on understanding where they come from and trying to figure out what the triggers are, and then of course, what you can do to manage your behaviors.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: If you feel stuck, I would suggest that you reflect on past relationships that you have.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: I did create a relationship evaluation worksheet.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: You can find it under free resources on my website, kahoskins.com, that can give you, it gives you like some questions and prompts to kind of get you started thinking so that you can identify what your patterns or habits are.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: I would like to point out to those of you who are single or newly dating that every person that you're in a relationship with is going to have a different response to your patterns or habits.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: So let's say you're an overthinker.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: Being an overthinker might be problematic and frustrating to one partner, but it might not be problematic or frustrating to somebody else.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: So it's really important while you are in the new stages of a relationship to pay attention to how this potential partner deals with or responds to you.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's also really important for you to be on the lookout for what it is they might have to protect the relationship from and how you feel about that and how you naturally respond to those behaviors.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so those of you that are in committed relationships from about one to five years, now is the night, the time to start noticing your patterns.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Notice how they're playing out in your relationship.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: And now is the time to really get ahead of it.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: Look at learning how to manage your side of it, how to manage your behaviors and your responses so that you can course correct if you need to.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: And also so that you can maybe prevent things in the future from happening.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: So, for those of you who have been in a long-term committed relationship of more than, say, like, you know, five, six, seven years, you have a little bit more work to do.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: I would like you to start recognizing the areas where you have not been protecting your relationship from.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna know what where you have not protected your relationship by the arguments that you're having or by the issues that keep coming up throughout your relationship.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you don't resolve something, what happens, it continues to show its ugly face over and over and over again throughout the years, right?
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: And if this is you, if you can identify with this, there's likely some hard feelings around that.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: So if one of you has an anger issue or somebody like me is an overfunctioner, or maybe there's an overthinker, there might be some resentment that comes from the way things have been handled.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I would really suggest that you start working through resentment first, because resentment, if you don't resolve that, then it makes resolving other issues more difficult.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: So work on resolving resentment and work on learning how to manage and deal with the areas that you have not been protecting your relationship.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: If you are unhappy in your committed relationship, I would encourage you to take an honest look at yourself and what your role has been in that relationship.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, whether you read about it, get help with it, whatever, I would suggest that you have a conversation with your partner.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: If you are in a committed relationship and you are so happy, first of all, I'm so happy for you.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: Keep doing whatever it is that you're doing.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I would just say for you to, of course, also do some reflection and just check in with your partner to see how they're feeling about your relationship and to see if there's any areas that you think that you could potentially need to protect your relationship from and just be noticing when things come up, right?
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: Just to be mindful about patterns that can possibly be happening.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: So, in summary, awareness and action are really the key to protecting your relationship from yourself.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: I did want to share with you the outcome of that client.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: I reached out to her, you know, obviously, like I said in the beginning, to make sure I could share this with you.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I got an update from her.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: We did work together for about two or two and a half years, something like that.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I haven't talked to her in a while.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: So her update is that yes, she ended up, which I already knew this part, she ended up getting a divorce and healed and kind of worked on her stuff after that.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: And now she has been in a really healthy, good relationship for a man that she's been dating for about two years.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm so happy for her.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: That was a fantastic outcome.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: And that, of course, as a relationship coach, makes me super, super pleased.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: All right, my friends, that is all that I have for you today.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: I hope that you join me next week.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: Have a fantastic week.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, if you're at a crossroads in your relationship and you do not know what to do, maybe you're wondering if it can work, maybe you're not even sure if that's what you want.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: I have some good news for you.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: You do not have to figure this out alone.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: I invite you to go check out my 12-week coaching program called Before You Break Up.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: At the end of our time together, you are either going to feel more connected to your partner or spouse, or you're going to have the clarity and the confidence to know that parting ways is the best choice.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: So stop what you're doing and go visit kahoskins.com to learn more.