Latest / AWAKEN with Dylan Ayaloo: Inner Work, Healing, Yoga & Meditation / [EP41] How to let go of toxic relationships & reclaim your energy

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[EP41] How to let go of toxic relationships & reclaim your energy · AWAKEN with Dylan Ayaloo: Inner Work, Healing, Yoga & Meditation

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  How to let go of toxic relationships and reclaim your energy.
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  The relationship isn't good for you anymore.
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  Or it's draining you, confusing you, making you feel smaller every time you interact.
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  But then the guilt comes in.
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  The self-doubt.
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  And the maybe it's not that bad.
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  Or maybe it's my fault.
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  And all those kinds of thoughts.
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  And if you've ever struggled to let go of a toxic relationship or an unhealthy relationship,
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  one that's no longer serving you, then this message or this video is for you.
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  In this video, you'll learn three parts.
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  First one is how to recognize when it's time to let go.
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  Second, why you might still be holding on even when it hurts.
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  And third, how to release that relationship and reclaim your energy, power, and peace.
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  So first part, what makes a relationship toxic without demonizing the other person?
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  Not every painful relationship is toxic, but some are deeply misaligned, codependent or unsafe for your nervous system.
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  Here's some signs of a toxic or unhealthy dynamic.
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  And I say dynamic, and this is where I mean intimate, non-intimate.
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  One, you feel drained or anxious after interactions.
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  Two, you're constantly walking on eggshells.
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  Three, you keep doubting yourself or apologizing for your needs
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  Four, there's emotional manipulation, guilt tripping, gaslighting and these kinds of behavior
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  And five, you've lost yourself in the relationship
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  It's not therefore, and sometimes we stay because we're afraid of who we are without them
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  So as in, if they're not in the picture, then what does it mean and who am I?
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  The second part, why we hold on even when it hurts.
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  So letting go sounds logical, but it's an emotional process.
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  And here's why you might still be holding on.
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  One, you're afraid of being alone.
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  You, me, any one of us, we're afraid of being alone.
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  So if that person is gone, then there's this belief that you're going to be alone or that you will be lonely.
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  So based on that fear, we then tend to not take the action that is a healthier action,
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  which is, in this case, leaving that dynamic, that relationship.
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  Number two, you feel responsible for their healing.
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  That means you've taken on the burden of their work, their journey, their healing work,
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  their inner work on your own shoulders, and you're carrying that.
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  And one thing I've learned from my experience in life is that you cannot do other people's
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  work for them.
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  You cannot, you can try and carry it for them, but one day they don't know, or it actually
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  doesn't really involve them.
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  So that's your work, right?
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  So if you're carrying someone else's stuff and you feel like you're responsible for their
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  healing, then that's your work, right?
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  So if I'm doing it, then it's my work to go and work on that and heal that.
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  And we'll talk about how to actually shift and clear all of these.
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  The third one is you're still clinging on to the potential of who they could be
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  or the potential of the relationship.
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  So there's this fantasy, basically, this idea of, oh, they will change at some point
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  or this relationship will change at some point, right?
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  And it will get better sometime in the future.
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  So that means I'm always just living in the future, chasing some fantasy made up version of my own made up version.
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  And they probably just have no idea what that is.
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  So I'm living that out and I'm just chasing that.
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  The fourth one, you've attached your identity to the relationship.
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  So identity meaning who you are.
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  So if it's me doing it, then who I am is the relationship or who I am is the idea of the relationship.
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  In other words, if the relationship, that dynamic is not there anymore, if it's gone, then who am I?
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  And we're too afraid to actually sit with that and do the internal work that's involved with working out.
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  Okay, if this relationship, this dynamic doesn't exist anymore, and it's a big question.
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  Sometimes we brought up big things happen in our lives, like the ending of a relationship.
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  Sometimes you have an identity to a job or certain things in our life, and that's not true.
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  The truth of who we are is not external things to us, including relationship or relationships.
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  The fifth one is you have unhealed wounds.
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  So you have some stuff to heal.
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  and by leaving or then leaving or you leaving or this relationship ending, it's triggering those
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  unhealed wounds. Like it's these are words that people use. It's bringing up the stuff from the
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  past to be healed. So this is good. In my opinion, this is good, right? From an inner work perspective,
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  sometimes this is the reason certain relationships exist because it brings up some stuff to be healed
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  so that we can grow, so that we can evolve.
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  And if you never actually let yourself get to those places,
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  not that you have to be hurt or in pain,
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  but sometimes we never get to those places,
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  the depths of what's needed to heal,
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  if we don't actually get in,
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  let ourselves experience these kinds of things,
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  like a relationship, for example.
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  So it doesn't mean you have to go into a horrible or nasty relationship knowingly,
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  but you just don't know, right?
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  So when we go into a relationship,
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  you realize like all right this is not good it's not working and my stuff keeps coming up right or
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  i'm afraid that when i leave my stuff is going to come up that's good right it's difficult not easy
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  but it's good in the long term because if you stay with it and work on it which is what we do here in
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  this body of work then that's going to allow you to evolve to grow right to be a more evolved human
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  being like it makes you a more whole human being basically and the other one is just this the fear
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  of letting go of the relationship because some people are actually more attached to the actual
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  relationship than the person right so the pattern that's been playing out is that they're in a
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  relationship with the relationship not the other person and the person just represents like they're
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  some part of the relationship right so if they're not there then okay the relationship's not there
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  So shit, they can't leave because if they leave, then relationship is not going to exist.
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  Therefore, then my relationship to this thing called the relationship, like my attachment
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  to this thing for all the relationship, which it's gone, then there's going to be this big
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  gap, this big hole in my life.
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  And then what the hell do I do with that?
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  I can't deal with that space.
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  I'm not going to, I need to fill it up with something.
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  So I'd rather just have this thing here, even though I know it's actually unhealthy.
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  And that's another area.
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  If that's true for you, then that's good.
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  because it's showing you an area to go in and do some work.
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  The third part, how to let go and reclaim your energy.
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  So letting go is an act of self-love.
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  And it doesn't have to be angry, bitter or dramatic.
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  You can let go with clarity and compassion.
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  So here are some steps to let go and claim your energy back.
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  In other words, heal, right?
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  So the first part is actually acknowledge the truth.
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  Stop minimizing the pain.
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  Be radically honest.
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  word, see it as it is, not less, not more, right? Because the mind tends to like to blow things out
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  of proportion or sometimes it just kind of minimizes it. Oh, it's not too bad, right? So
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  time to actually get really honest because that's not ever going to go away. You might say, yeah,
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  this is not nourishing me or this is costing me too much. It's costing me my peace of mind. It's
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  costing me my happiness. And I don't know about you, but my peace of mind is worth a lot. The
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  second is the second step is to grief the loss right so even if it wasn't healthy you're letting
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  go of an attachment so you're not just letting go of a person you're letting go of this thing
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  called a relationship so let yourself feel so let yourself feel the sadness let yourself feel the
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  betrayal if it is true that's what happened let yourself let go of the hope that whatever it is
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  that you hoped for that never actually blossomed. So there will be a letting go part of it,
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  right? Like the grieving process. And grieving is part of life. Sometimes there is loss in our life
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  and sometimes loss is good. Sometimes loss is not good. Whatever good and not good is,
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  how we deem it to be. But if we're able to process it, then it's healthy. If we're not
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  processing it and not processing the grief, then that's not healthy. That's step two, grieving the
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  loss. And then the third part is setting boundaries, energetic and physical. That means less or no
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  contact. That's what ending a relationship means. So if it's an intimate relationship, it means no
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  more contact. And yes, sure, like different relationships might be different. So maybe
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  there's a kind of a closing off process and there's a like a landing that you would give it.
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  the times it's healthy just to end it there and then and finish it so it's good for both people
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  even though it might be painful to set the boundaries so that means no more checking in
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  right saying oh how are you doing and it means saying no even when it feels uncomfortable right
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  that's what boundaries are just saying like that's where the line is communicating that clearly so
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  that they don't cross the line knowing or unknowingly the fourth part is to reclaim your time
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  voice and energy. So it's to fill up your space with nourishing things, nourishing rituals. It
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  could be that journaling, like sometimes I do that, most times I don't, but journaling for some people
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  is really powerful. So do that. Forming movement really helps, meditation really helps, deep
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  breathing really helps, reset my nervous system. Having support around you, other loved ones,
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  right, like that can just hold space for you as you're going through that letting go process,
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  that grieving and boundary setting process.
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  Choose people around you that are good examples,
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  not just that they're loving of you,
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  but that they're not going to feed your mind
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  with useless things or poison even.
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  So sometimes we surround ourselves with the wrong people
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  and it's a time of healing.
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  Nature can be really powerful as well
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  to go into nature, go for walks,
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  give yourself the time to heal, to grow, right?
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  Because when we look back in a relationship,
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  us to learn and grow. So make sure you're learning what needs to be learned and you're integrating
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  those learnings. And don't numb it away. Don't run away. That's not the time to do that. Sometimes I
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  see people and they come out of a relationship. They just, okay, I'm free. I'm this, I'm that.
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  I'm going to let my hair loose. I'm going to go crazy. And it's okay. So fine. Doesn't mean you
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  shouldn't have fun. But are you actually giving space or do they ever give space for the thing
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  Before they get into the next relationship, whenever that is, even if there's some time,
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  quite a bit of time in between.
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  Because the work that we don't do in this relationship, even if it has ended,
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  will follow you into the next relationship.
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  So sometimes I think people learn that the hard way.
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  They go through several, one or two decades, sometimes even more, over and over again,
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  repeating the same patterns just with different people.
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  Unless, I don't think any one of us like pain or enjoy pain.
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  This is different pain, right?
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  It's emotional pain.
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  You want to be doing your work.
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  You want to be learning, growing, evolving so that you bring a more evolved version of
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  you into the next relationship whenever you're ready to go into it.
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  And then also giving it the time and space.
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  So I think this is where the meditation practice can be so powerful in that meditation teaches
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  us to give space to things, to sit in space and spaciousness as in like nothingness, right?
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  It's difficult in the beginning to sit with ourselves, to sit with our thoughts, to sit with our mind, to sit with our emotions.
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  Movement as well, like yoga practice, right, what we do, teaches us to sit with our stuff.
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  But if you don't sit with it, if you don't give it the space, then it didn't get a chance to shift, to heal.
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  And then I think the other part of it would be there's power in actually having a space to process, right?
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  So someone who is actually skilled enough to facilitate your process and also a loving environment, loving community, which is why we have this community.
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  I've created this body of work so that if you need a space, that it's not just a space that you can come into, but an amazing people in our community.
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  But also that people like myself can actually facilitate the process and help you navigate through whatever it is that you're navigating through and be that mirror so that you can see your blind spots.
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  that's the power of deep transformational work which is actually what we do so letting go is in
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  the end it's the beginning of remembering who you are and actually stepping into the next version
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  right a more evolved version of who you are if you're open to that like it's not just going to
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  a lot of times just fall on your lap you might actually have to do some work to learn the things
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  that you need to learn and integrate that therefore as you're integrated into a more evolved version
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  of you. So that's why this body of work is created. So for people like yourselves who might be
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  emotionally intelligent, deeply caring, but exhausted from caring too much that's not yours.
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  This body of work, you can come in and identify and release these relationships and habits and
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  roles that are draining you and rebuild your self-trust and voice, reconnect to who you are
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  without the emotional baggage and take your power back gently and fiercely if that's what's needed.
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  and you don't have to stay stuck in the relationship that shrinks you.
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  And this is the work where you come back to you, right?
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  And to into a more evolved version of you.
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  If this message, if this video brought up some emotions or brought up some stuff,
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  then that's a sign for something, right?
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  That something is shifting or wants to shift.
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  So it's time to pay attention.
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  So my closing reflection on this topic is that you're allowed to choose peace over chaos.
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  it's encouraged and it's good to choose peace. I certainly am in a point in my life where peace
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  actually is much more valuable than most other things in my life. That you can choose truth
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  over a fantasy, this idea of a relationship, a potential of a relationship that isn't happening
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  and probably is never going to happen because it's made up in our own minds. And also healing
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  over holding on and evolution, transformation, growth, expansion over staying stuck, holding on,
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  gripping on to something that we know that is uncomfortable, but we've convinced ourselves that
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  at least I know this discomfort or pain. So I'll just hang on to it and give ourselves a life
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  sentence of that. We end up staying in that relationship through our life or a good part
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  of our life and our relationship can actually make or break someone's life and I certainly in
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  our body of work sadly enough facilitated a lot of people's process where people are coming to
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  end things and sometimes it's not kind or amicable and it's really difficult and it doesn't have to
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  be that way so this is the work when you do the work you can approach it with a much more evolved
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  version of you