Latest / Shared Light / Ep. 22 - Softness in Marriage: Even When It's Hard
Transcript
- JR And Dustie Rodriguez: Good morning all. Welcome to another episode of Shared Light with Dustie and JR. am obviously JR. And I'm Dustie. How are you doing? Good. Just turned forty six It's a little bit of a milestone, especially considering you were of assumption you were turning forty five. I really thought most of the year I was turning forty five. Turns out turning forty or I turned forty six. So that was little disappointing. But what's a year? ⁓ mean they say with time things get better, so hopefully you're hopeful feel like you're getting better. ⁓ Always room for improvement. there is that for sure. So been a lot going on in our household. things have been crazy stressful. You know, I've got some things going on at work. things going on. Dustie's looking for a job. we've slowly but surely thr putting our name out there. You've been sending out some some information and whatnot to try and drum up business for our personal venture. Yeah. Just laying that foundation, I think. you as we've mentioned for a few episodes now, we've had some mental health things going on with my little one that ⁓ continues to impact some of our day to day and impact ⁓ some of the things that we're doing. trying to remain in the moment with her and make sure she has the support that she needs from us. which does cause ⁓ a little bit a lag on some things and it does cause us to reshift our focus. Yeah. That said, high emotion, High conflict, high turmoil, high unknown. That can put a strain on a marriage. Yeah. Right. So it kinda lends itself to the the topic we wanted to talk about today, I almost see it as a little bit of a a response to a a reply that we got on a post on Instagram where you know, we discuss ⁓ I think the I don't even remember what the quote was, but it's something along the lines of XYZ does can cause a woman to be soft and yeah. Right. Yeah. I I don't remember it 'cause I'm not the one that's posting those daily, but ⁓ I did see ⁓ the reply and it the reply itself is kind of what caught my attention and it was something along the lines of why does the the woman need to be soft, right? so it got me thinking a little bit about this topic and I guess the response to that in particular is don't see softness as a weakness. No. Right? think a lot of people do. For me, would say that particularly in marriage, and in ⁓ kind of relationship where you find yourself really invested emotionally. and this can even be with like your kids, right? Or your your parents or ⁓ whatever, dynamic with whoever you're close to. Yeah. Those relationships thrive when both people in that relationship choose tenderness over defensiveness. Yeah. I think 'cause we talk so much about ⁓ we've talked about conflict, we've talked about so many different ⁓ aspects and especially us it's communicating in our light. But what is that's softness and and being tender with your partner or your other relationships. That's really the nitty gritty of it. ⁓ how you do that? What is what exactly does that mean? ⁓ 'cause you communicate and not be soft. You ⁓ definitely ⁓ have conflict and be soft. Well and I think another way ⁓ that lost and ⁓ people may not even understand is that when we speak softness, we're speaking directly about vulnerability. How are you vulnerable in the moment with that person? have to have a level of vulnerability when you approach situations that are difficult. Because that vulnerability inherently lets you enter the conversation with a little bit of Yeah. because don't know what the outcome's gonna be, you don't know how ⁓ conversation's go, how this person's gonna react. so you're essentially going into it. Like mean the the best analogy that I can think think of is, vulnerability is very much that dream that everybody has of standing in the front of a classroom naked, right? Mm-hmm. that feeling inside of you is what ⁓ at what envision when I say softness and tender heartedness in a relationship, right? Yeah. Because able to approach ⁓ those situations in that light. Actually, I would venture to argue that it's more courageous than ⁓ entering with on the defensive ness Yeah. So it's one of those things where ⁓ You have to look at the connotation that And I don't know why it has this connotation that being soft is is inherent flaw. Yeah, I think it's ⁓ I men tend to feel that way more, because maybe they feel like it makes them weak or it makes them feel weak. but like you said, ⁓ you like it's more courageous and I would even ⁓ From my perspective, when you come at me that way, it's more for me. It's more inviting for me to be ⁓ and honest. ⁓ that's where we grow and we can talk about the things that we need to, even if they're hard. Well, and guess when look at it, right, it's ⁓ I see it as choosing to live empathetically ⁓ ⁓ compassionately. Yeah, and I think it's for anybody that's a personal choice that's with any relationship that you have. I'm of course that with you, but I'm also that way with our kids. I'm also that way with, our family, our friends. ⁓ I feel like it's over time people The world hardens them. Things that they've gone through hardens them. and so it comes it starts to come natural to them, especially when they're having conflict with their or ⁓ any kind of communication because ⁓ time just has start to harden them and that just comes to them naturally. Well you know, being soft doesn't really come naturally to some people. Well that doesn't I mean me ⁓ Yeah. Yeah, not at all, right? and we've talked about that at length where it's not something that I'm comfortable living in, expressing, being in. but really good to touch on, what ⁓ might cause people to harden. Mm-hmm. So many things. I mean you start looking at just history, So like your history Past relationships, past whatever, mine ⁓ of this who felt like he always had to prove himself, whatever it may be, right? You get all of these wounds that put you into what you feel is like survival mode just to to be in this world that you're in. causes you to build up some of those some I mean essentially what we're talking about is all of these walls that we build up over time. Right. That don't allow you to come to relationships ⁓ and live in light as opposed to living in dark. Yeah, and that can even come about as you are into your if you start ⁓ feeling ⁓ unseen or unheard, those start build slowly. And though we've talked about that in one of episodes as well. ⁓ with those unspoken expectations, that's part of it is those can create those walls over time. Well and Some of that too is if you really get to the nitty-gritty of it, you can start to feel like you're being taken advantage of. Mm-hmm. Because if you in your mind you feel like you're doing everything and you do have all these expectations that you haven't verbalized, but in your mind now they're not living up to all of this, right? You start feeling like, poor me. Mm-hmm. not only are you not seen but now I'm doing everything in the relationship. I'm the one that's keeping us going. I'm the one that's doing this or that, And it Again, builds another barrier, builds another wall, ⁓ Yeah, and I I think some people just are built that way because they don't know any other way. Well yeah, I mean we've talked about it That's what they have always known. At length, right? I grew up in household that was very we're not gonna talk about this, we're not gonna do this, we're not gonna do that. I And again, my parents are great. They they did what they the best they could, but it was very I mean, you've met my dad and my dad is very even now, not a emotional guy. I mean it's not like Yeah, and think that, goes back to how he was raised and how his grandparents were raised and ⁓ so I think it's something that be generational that, that's just what they know. They don't know. how to be soft. They don't know how to let those walls down with what people because when you do grow up that way ⁓ and l in a lot of situations that also creates that you don't trust people. Well I'm ⁓ maybe I've it, maybe I haven't, but studies have shown that the primary purpose of all of the chemicals in our brain, of the chemicals and things that essentially create these emotions within you. the sole of a lot of that stuff is to make sure that you are safe. you're driven by the need to stay alive the need to feed, the need to procreate what all these things. And what ends up is you find that all of these walls and all of these barriers and this hardness builds over time is because ⁓ It's a form of protection. Mm-hmm. they're looking at a way to to protect themselves from, damage or fear or whatever may be. Yeah. Yeah. So, you really start to see that and that really manifests ⁓ Which is interesting. But I feel like you really start to see that when you start getting really close to people. Yeah. That's why I say it's you really start see it over time in your ⁓ I mean, especially marriage, because that's the person you're with day. That's, ⁓ who you're sharing your life and so ⁓ that's the person that's gonna see those walls and I mean they see everything. Right. So the key is how do you reframe that? Yeah. I mean, how do you take yourself out of this? ⁓ I mean, for all the that's a purpose is to fear, right? It's a fear of being vulnerable. Fear of being soft. How do you reframe that so that you can it as a strength? Yeah. ⁓ it really requires you again, and I spoke about right, empathy and compassion. to be empathetic to somebody, you have to remain open to their experiences. You have to remain open to their perspective. Perspective and perception on on reality. while we don't always understand it, you do have to remain open to it because that is their what they're living. Yeah. also does take a level of maturity to in that vulnerable s space. to be gentle, to be well, and you have to that courage to be emotionally available yourself, not just to hearing and seeing somebody else's point of view, but you have to leave yourself emotionally available ⁓ and Yeah. And I mean we've talked about it at length. that's something that I've struggled with for a really long time. but and I've been lucky that I've taken ⁓ emotional classes. I've read up on it a lot. I've learned a lot. and one of the interesting things about emotional intelligence versus just actual intelligence is that you can actively improve your intelligence through learning and action and practicing it. Right. It's uncomfortable as it Right. practicing it. Which softness is emotional intelligence in It's not Yeah. being passively just understanding it. I mean being soft in the moment, that is you practicing that emotional intelligence that you have. think about ⁓ this is again one of those those things that I a lot of people I think can draw experience from. Think about bosses that you've worked with, Yeah. That really listened ⁓ and took time to not only understand who you were as a person, but took time to understand, what motivates you, how to make you feel seen and heard. Yeah. I would venture guess that in most of those instances They were soft spoken, well mannered, very just in tune with who you are as a person, which I'm not saying that's the case all the time, but I would say in most instances that's what it is, right? you have to be able to have Softness and ⁓ that approach. and when I say softness, it's not like I'm whispering. it's very much like a nurturing, almost like mentorship type relationship, right? Where you're really actively investing ⁓ in Yeah, I think that's it. You're investing in ⁓ not only what they have to say, but how they feel and their perspective and and I think that's the part that a lot of people the time with not you particularly, but a lot of people just get so on how they feel about something. And especially if it's something that they're emotionally invested in. They have their own perspective. And so it really takes a lot practice setting that aside and being open to somebody else's emotional perspective on the same thing, And a lot people don't know how to do that. Well, and that so like in marriage particularly, like those are some of the things that ends up testing your softness, right? Testing that vulnerability, testing that Yeah. ⁓ because marriage is gonna expose what you're what really triggers you. Yes. it's gonna really ⁓ expose ⁓ what you your ego. Yeah, mine, and that's that's been a huge one for me, right? we talk about it all the time. my ego has gotten in the way a lot in ⁓ conversations. Just because I hold on to that and ego is one of those things, if you don't know you have it, it's hard to keep in check. Yeah. and everybody has an ego to some extent, right? Right. Some bigger than others, but if you get to that, far end of the spectrum where you're dealing with like a narcissist or somebody that is very self absorbed, it's gonna be real hard to communicate and to ⁓ evaluate how you approach this in a soft manner because that is gonna test you. Right. ⁓ to your point, right? in some situations where we, had disagreements or arguments or whatever it may be like If my ego is level ten, that's just gonna test your softness and how you're gonna approach the situation. Right. And it's gonna make my emotions and anxiety level ten. Right. So you're fighting emotion anxiety against ego and that just it doesn't work. You don't get anywhere, you don't get anything resolved. Well, and it forces you to away from that we talk about all the time. you're not speaking in the light. Like at that point you're in the dark, in the shadows. and that's when we start running into some of those situations that we've talked about in previous episodes, where you're saying things just to make that person feel like you feel that's where you you start fighting each other instead of the problem. Right. Like we always talk about. Because now I'm fighting your ego and you're fighting my emotion, instead of we're not fighting what we're supposed to talking about. Right. Right. ⁓ so and then another big one just your self protection Which one that probably doesn't get talked a lot about a lot. because my defense mechanisms are gonna be different than yours. Yeah. And depending on what that mechanism is. it could very much lead to a Yeah, ⁓ mean my self protection is to just shelve it and shut down. So that's my wall. I put up that wall and it that's what I've always known. And but again, by me doing we don't get anywhere. Right. nothing we can't grow, we can't get past that certain situation. Which I mean we've run into a lot of those instances unfortunately. Particularly When we really started having issues like and a half, two years ago or whatever it was. ⁓ where the moment I can back now and say, Well, no, I didn't approach that very good at all, right? But in the moment I felt like I was being and I was being soft. Yeah. And perception of that was very different than mine. So there was still a little bit of a disconnect there. Yeah. Where we really had to, ⁓ again, when a lot of our non negotiables came up and a lot of our, key communication strategies came in when ⁓ we really started is to deep dive and talk about what we out of out of these conversations. Yeah. And again, like I can look back now and say, ⁓ I was not ⁓ as in state of vulnerability and openness ⁓ as I have been because ⁓ I still some of those, the ego, the self protection, the things that were challenging me and I feel like you thought you were being vulnerable and I think to a degree you were you just weren't in that softness that you have And that can make a difference. in your mind trying and you were being open and vulnerable to ⁓ with me. But if you're not soft and tender with that vulnerability, ⁓ it may come off may come off as ⁓ completely opposite of what trying to do. Right. ⁓ Which I mean it a challenge. our marriage as ⁓ as great as it is and great it like it has been a lot of work. It is I mean it is great. Yeah. ⁓ but it that greatness comes with a lot having to figure out the dark. Yeah. that's marriage though, I think because just figuring out to be soft and tender with each other is hard in its own because you naturally don't know how be that way. And especially when we have conflict, you don't want to be that way. And maybe you don't either, So you really have to. It's something that you continually work on because That softness is what's going to help you. resolve, repair, and grow at the end of it. Yeah. and that is a very good segue into what what do you do your partner isn't soft? ⁓ how do you that on end to make sure that it doesn't further? Yeah. I don't know that I'm very good at that. You are now. I guess ⁓ me I look at it like in the times that I struggle with my anxiety and my, irrational thoughts. It it's hard for me because I'm up here. But now you ⁓ and you understand my you understand my fears, you understand the thoughts, and so ⁓ It's very I think easy for you now to just stay grounded and be like, I'm sorry you're feeling that way, but this is, this is reality. ⁓ it's us. love you. We're fine. We're safe. ⁓ and so I think that's where you can't match their ⁓ you know, I think before you used because you were reactive. And so I think you would match my level ten. and so I think you have to stay grounded. Even if your partner's at at a level ten, you need to stay in that softness. Well, and you need to understand that there is no winning. So not escalating to try and win an argument. ⁓ No, we've talked about that too. It's about winning. nobody's keeping score. Well and nobody needs to be right. and that think for was I think the biggest earth shattering, groundbreaking thing that happened in our marriage was understanding that we're not always gonna agree. Mm And we don't always have to you know there's no right or wrong. Right. we talk about it I think every episode is like you ⁓ have your own perspective and I have mine. And sometimes they're opposite and sometimes they clash. ⁓ We know each other's light and we know our goals and our common goals and we know it's okay. Yeah. It's okay that you feel that way. Yeah. and then big one is just making sure that you ⁓ are And I think this is what has helped me the most, honestly, is that holding on to your what do you value in not just yourself but your marriage or your relationship or whatever it may be. Yeah. staying true to those values your partner is, like Dustie said, at a level ten and you're just trying to navigate it to bring it back down so that able to have a constructive conversation. Because if you don't focus on those values, it's real easy to just match energy. Yeah. I think me it helps to especially when we have conflict or we have something dark that we to get through. For me it's I look at it like I love you more than I more than this situation. I know we're gonna get through it and, that's part holding on to my values is I can look at you and be like, I love you more than ⁓ whatever we're going through this moment. So that helps me to bring myself down where I communicate. And I mean I think for me that's that's similar, right? It's I ⁓ regardless of what's going on or whatever challenge we're having, the most important thing to me is you and the kids. So no matter what happens, the outcome for me is always the same. I've yeah I have to through this because it's us and it's us and the kids, right? Right. and that's not always going be the case for everyone, but that's my particular value set that really drives a lot of what I do. So And we haven't always been at this place. I think that's to put out there because ⁓ the whole reason we started this podcast is that we haven't always been in the space that we're in today. Right. we've done all the work had to do a lot of work to get to where we are. But the one thing ⁓ has enabled us, I one of the major things that has enabled us to get here is that we still can see each other. And that, value above everything else that we've ever been through. Above the hardships, above anything that we've had to face separately or that one value in each other and our family ⁓ is what us to this place. Right. And then, to just kind of move the conversation along, and to really back to that comment of ⁓ ⁓ why does woman need to be soft? Right. softness is not rolling over and being all over and mistreated. No, I think that's the the perspective though for a lot of people. It really it really is about choosing emotional integrity. Mm-hmm. and again it's that your values tie into that. your perspective ties into that. Being able to in the frame of mind or have that ⁓ ingrained in you it's not a weakness. No. I I think honestly I could say it's the opposite to be able to remain and be in that softness when relationship, your conversation, whatever is up here a level ten. I don't see that as a weakness. No. No. At all. I see it as opposite, honestly. It's not really about you're not actively to be disrespected or whatever the connotation is with with the word. ⁓ It's just about maintaining again, empathetic approach. So how do you do that? do you do that? For me, ⁓ and I know that it took me a really long time to get there. But it really just ⁓ does with slowing down the conversation for me when my emotions really start. Because I have a to just start firing off like this, this because I I've already got the logic behind all of it. Right. You just wanna get everything out. And it starts to just elevate that it doesn't ⁓ subside it. If anything it just compacts. Ramps it up. Yeah. Yeah. I think you too is asking questions to better understand. ⁓ and I talk about constantly, being able to remain curious. Mm-hmm. ⁓ And taking a breath before I respond, once you do answer those questions, right? Of just taking of that active listening. ⁓ Listening to understand as opposed listening to response. what is your response actually telling me opposed to, well how can I respond to this so that she knows she's wrong? Mm-hmm. Or how can I make my argument sound better? And then for us it's always Using small gestures of physical connection. you guys will see it sometimes if if you haven't in the podcast. Dustie will so that she she's able to hold my hand or or hold my arm. but little things that help keep you in that soft, vulnerable state with partner or specifically. ⁓ with a friend it might look like giving them a random hug or or just, a pat on the back, whatever it may be. it doesn't have to be like super grand or I like to walk by the kitchen and slap her butt from time to time. it's my own little thing, right? But being able to just maintain a level of physical intimacy. Yeah. can make such a difference. And ⁓ talked about it before on one of our episodes where ⁓ even you start ⁓ your conversations with that, that can make such a difference. Yeah. And that can kind of reset you your mindset. take a couple minutes before you start those conversations and hug or cuddle or whatever. that can bring you down to that softness before you even start the conversations. I think a big one is I mentioned my buddy on here a lot where I you kill him with kindness, little microacts of kindness. whether it be to your partner or just out any kind of kindness spreads and is to keep you also in that same kind of vulnerable state of understanding that you're being emotionally invested with people, and not building up those walls that we tend to put up ⁓ in society. Yeah, I feel like for me it's I've I just am naturally that way. I never even ⁓ out in public or I've never been one to and not necessarily that people are just mean, but lot of people don't have natural instinct to just smile at a stranger or strike up a conversation at the grocery store or, do something kind somebody, compliment them. some people stay in own lane. They don't interact they're out. And and I'm very much some people. Yeah. not ⁓ it's not because you're mean you don't ⁓ want I think it just doesn't come naturally to you. ⁓ No, ⁓ I mean that goes back to the whole, ⁓ your past experiences history, right? you very much ⁓ As you get older and as you get farther along in your journey, you really have a lot of guiding habits that been so in you that you just don't even think about it. Right? Yeah. ⁓ one of those for us was always it was ⁓ reiterated by my grandma, it was reiterated by my parents, you don't talk to people like unless you're spoken to ⁓ You do not speak. Yeah. ⁓ So we weren't outgoing. We weren't unless somebody comes up and start I can have a conversation if somebody's comes up and starts having a conversation with me, but I'm not gonna be the one to engage in conversation just because Yeah. that's not what I know. Yeah. So it is a little bit out of my comfort zone for sure to do some of those things. ⁓ It does help keep me in that that mindset. Right. Yeah, because I think overall you don't just not like we go out or even with each other. I'm actively trying to be unkind you. I don't want to ⁓ be mean you or be unkind to you or the kids or even random people out public. And I think a lot of people just do it without even realizing. But then if you start, let me smile at this stranger today or, ⁓ start thinking about different ⁓ ways you can bring kindness somebody or especially your partner. let me compliment them today, even if it's something that you would never do on a daily basis. that can open up and bring you down to that softness over time. start some of those things. Well, and it helps highlight that other point that we talk about quite a bit of you never know what people are struggling with. Do you never know what a small random act of kindness for somebody what kind of impact that's gonna have on their life? No. But then also when when situations come up and Dustie mentioned it like with us, I stay very curious when she starts having problems and I'm trying to just bring the conversation down to a point where we can discuss and work through, right? Mm-hmm. Even entering it with something like, a really soft phrase of, help me understand what's going on. Yeah. have a huge impact. Yeah, that's part of just listening to understand instead of to react. Right. So what does that look like though? In hard conversation, what does softness look like? What does it mean? What does it not mean? does not mean that you're avoiding your or avoiding, ⁓ the at hand. It just means you're approaching it differently. Right. It doesn't mean that you're gonna go silent. It doesn't mean that you're gonna be passive, and it doesn't mean that you're gonna agree to everything. No. No. It really is. Not about whether or not you're bringing the truth. It's about how you're bringing it. Yeah, how you're relaying that truth. And doing that in softness can it can be better understood, I think. Right. 'Cause like we said, it's not about rolling over and just being passive and and whatever connotations might have with the word itself. It's not No, it's not being passive, you're just agreeing with whatever they say and and sidestepping the It's just actively to it. And wanting to your partner know I'm I'm trying to understand. Well, and it's also I mean, I think I talked about this last episode, right? It's about having that tact. you're still telling somebody the truth. Yeah. But you're not doing it in a manner that is hurtful. you are approaching it from a perspective of I'm not attacking you with this truth. I am Explaining this truth so that we can come to a resolution. Mm-hmm. and that you can better understand it. and it's about, really addressing the problem instead of addressing each other. Yeah. ⁓ So again, it's one of those that I think when you talk softness it that it gets misconstrued. because people have that connotation of of like weak. Yeah, yeah. weak like weakness. I think of really timid personalities just don't speak up or Which I think there's a reason for that, and that reason is highly highly has to do with, a lot of the information that's out there regarding the way People react or the way people think movies and shows or whatever. you think of somebody that's soft and they're always that timid little person that ⁓ isn't speaking up or Yeah. But think softness is different in every relationship Especially in every marriage, your version of soft is different than my version of softness, But you learn that over time, I think, or you can with your the more you practice it. I think you need a different level of softness from me than I need from you. Yeah. I mean, probably. I don't though that there is a difference in the intent behind it. No. No, not the intent. Just think because men seem to ⁓ you say, they relate it like I'm weak. I can't be soft. I've gotta be the man. but there are ways I can be soft with you to still not feed your ego, but don't need to degrade you and and make you feel less than Just so that you can be soft with me. Right. Does that make sense? Right. Well and you're gonna find that a lot in ⁓ Latin cultures, where ⁓ it is a very masculine, feminine kind of just what that, gender where they play their gender roles like extremes, I guess. Yeah. and I'm sure there's other cultures. I'm not trying single anybody out by any means. I'm just trying to provide an example of especially I think about it from my culture. And just looking at even just my family. the men do what the men do and the women just kinda Yeah. Are expected to not in some parts of my family, and then we've got other parts that everybody is kind of the same. But there's a lot of that that can feed into what you're talking about where if, one of my cousin goes and starts Demasculating or whatever the whatever it's called. somebody in front of everybody else, that's a huge deal. Like why did you approach it that way? Why did you Yeah. ⁓ And then you have instances where you can come from it from a soft perspective and at end of the day the ripple effect of that is that you're gonna help de escalate conflict. Yeah. you're gonna build and we talked about that, right? That emotional safety. Right. Yeah. It's part of creating that net, that safety net in your marriage. then again it invites the vulnerability. It invites that space where you and your partner can be in a place that you may not be willing to be with other people. And you need to be with your partner. I know I and some people can look at vulnerability too as weakness. you need that in your marriage to Yeah. And to understand each other. Well, and it helps create a culture at home ⁓ of I like to look at our kids as an example of like my kids are really kind hearted Almost to a detriment, right? Sometimes we're Yeah. they really just have this inherent want to help people around them and to ⁓ the ones that help the kids. Again, sometimes it's to a detriment to them. ⁓ but it really does show that having that kind of connection. and I think as we've matured in our relationship, they have also shifted a little bit how they especially my oldest, right? She's very soft, but she's also her boundaries. Yeah. ⁓ My little one is very soft and very kind hearted and very Just mean she's full heart. Yeah. Everything is with her heart all the way. Unfortunately we haven't been able to figure out the boundaries with her yet. Yeah. ⁓ she hasn't established any boundaries when it comes to that. So that affects Yeah. But Again, it helps create space for them where they can be vulnerable. And honestly, it has helped create a space where my daughter talked to us about her challenges as opposed to trying just to hide them from us. Yeah. Yeah, it's I it's building that emotional maturity in them. They can be soft, they can be vulnerable, they can be open, honest. And that's part of safety. Yeah. Part of their safety net. ⁓ And it really can just in talking about my kids, I mean we mentioned earlier that we've had some challenges and one of the I think one of the highlights of everything that's going on, if you could say that there are highlights, but I do try to find something out of everything. Yeah. is that we really did see how our softness manifested with my oldest. Because my oldest is very ⁓ shut in and doesn't like to let people into her guard very often. Yeah. ⁓ She's very much like you. Right. but one thing that has up Is that and she still likes to razz her sister because that's just the relationships that she has. she has really just taken a deep look at herself and focusing on what she can do to be kinder to her sister. Yeah, and and how her words ⁓ or actions can affect her sister. Right. even though ⁓ Her intent was never be hurtful. she's really looked at and started to change, even though that's not my intent, that's how it was received. And so that's something I need to think about before I say or I do. And that's such an important thing to learn. And some people I mean, she's only eleven, so I feel like ⁓ she has that. ⁓ At a fairly young age, which is good. some people may never figure that out. ⁓ But mean, it just goes to show you the power of softness and how it can really just change the relationships around you. I mean, that's one example that we can just visibly see. Yeah. It can model so many different aspects of life. I would like to say that, it's because we're doing all this work and doing all these things. ⁓ But I won't take credit for that at all. I think she just has a kind heart, she ⁓ understands a lot of the stuff that we're talking about inherently and has taken it upon herself just to do what she can to make sure that because I don't feel like like I said earlier, and that's the same in our marriage, that's the same in maybe for a lot of people, is that you never want to intentionally somebody love. I think that is the major thing to reflect on too is when you're maybe thinking don't know to be soft, or I've never been soft, or I can't be soft. Just think back to what is your intention? your intention to be mean? Is your intention to hurt somebody? And if it's not, you can be soft. Yeah. You can learn that. You can practice that. And it's a shared practice. I mean it it's something that I mean I have come to learn a lot from my wife. I've come to learn a lot, I mean, obviously through a lot of just formal and informal education, the leadership position that I hold. But then my kids, like my kids, I am constantly learning things from. So it's not something that you're ever going to master. No. to Dustie's point, right? It's what is my intention? ⁓ areas I have where I do have more of a hardened look at things or a hardened approach on what has what has hardened me over time? Right. That I can get that softness back. And where ⁓ that softness looking to come back. Mm hmm. And because there will you will find instances where it's a lot more inherently natural to to be soft than it is to be hard. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You may have just learned over time to put up that wall and and ⁓ hardness. So with that you know it's been a pleasure. ⁓ I do want to call attention to our shops site, shop section of our website. our merchandise. Right. at ⁓ www.sharedlightpodcast.com under the shop section. And continue sharing your light. kindness matters, light matters. there is an awful lot of dark in the world, and the more light we're able to spread, the more positive the world So with that, I hope you guys have a blessed day and we'll see you on the next one.