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Parenting Through the Doubt: Is My Best Enough? · Parenting Through The Hard

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Foreign is
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sponsored by Tiffany, one of our generous donors and partners in
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this mission that I have to try and create a healing space for
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parents of teens and young adults, a place where we can find connection,
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clarity and strength, even in the most challenging seasons.
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Thank you so much, Tiffany, for your support.
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If you're interested in sponsoring a future episode, stay tuned.
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I'll share how you can get involved at the end of today's show.
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Now, I don't know about you, but most times when I'm
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trying to figure out how to best handle a situation,
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I tend to wrestle with it for a while. I have to think it over.
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Some might call it obsessing and try to figure out what the best angle
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is to tackle the problem. Do I want to take a hard line and
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tackle it head on? Do I want to have a soft conversation
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with my kiddo and maybe ask some questions to get clarity?
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Maybe I just accept that this is their decision to make and
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try to find a way to just let go. It's like something
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shakes up this snow globe of emotions,
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thoughts and fears inside of me and I can't seem to make a decision
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until it all settles down. I had a
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situation come up not too long ago where my youngest
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son had gone to hang out with his older brother and girlfriend,
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and while they were on this outing, my older son and his girlfriend got
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into a disagreement, which is normal for teens trying to figure out how
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a relationship works for the first time. Well, the argument went a
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little too far, in my opinion, and it ended up getting into some badmouthing and
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name calling to the point where my younger son felt like he needed to step
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in and defend his big brother. The situation was just really uncomfortable
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for everyone and none of them really had a clue how to handle it.
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Well, by the time word got back to me, my snow globe
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of emotions was pretty shook up. I was angry, I was frustrated,
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I was irritated. I wanted to make sure that this never happened again.
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But with all those emotions swirling around, my spirit reminded me
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that unless I took some time to process my own feelings on
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what was going on, I would not be helping matters at
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all. So I did what I usually do and I reached
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out to one or two people that I trust and I began talking
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through every detail with them, examining everything from
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every angle, just like we do as women typically,
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rethinking every ounce of anxiety, feelings of unresolved
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grief and disappointments, that things can't be easier. And one might think that at
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the end of all of that, there would be a solid resolution that through
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that entire ordeal, the solution would begin to surface like this
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bright star in the night pointing north. But the truth is, it didn't.
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Nope. It still needed more time.
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Time spent in my journal and time spent in prayer.
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Honestly, it can be exhausting trying to grow and
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change the way we handle challenging situations in our lives.
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But eventually that snow globe of uncertainty
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began to settle inside me and I started to realize
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what my next move should be. I didn't know with any level
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of certainty how it would all play out, or even whether it was the absolute
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best, best choice. However, I did know that this
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was one moment in a series of what seemed to be never ending moments
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where I was learning to trust each next step forward on
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a path where the destination was still unknown and
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strangely enough, sometimes even found peace on it Today
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I want to talk about something that isn't easy when
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you're walking through the hard. It takes intention and it takes
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practice, but it opens the door to healing.
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I want to talk about reconnecting with that deeper
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wisdom inside us, the kind that isn't driven by panic
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or pressure, but by peace. We know we're
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headed in the right direction when we begin to tune in, not to the
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loudest part of us, but to the steadier voice beneath the noise.
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That kind of listening takes patience, not panic.
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Because, let's be honest, fear, doubt and other people's
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expectations are powerful forces, and they do
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a pretty awesome job at drowning out the wisdom inside of us.
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Here's an excerpt from my journal that my
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heart cannot be trusted. I'm too intimately involved, too close
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to the subjects. I wonder sometimes how many times God had
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a plan for one of my children. And after I decided to step in with
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advice or take control of a situation, the plan needed
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to change course. Why do I feel the need to do that?
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What is the beast lying inside me that awakens at the slightest
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perception of trouble, the one that I often feel like I have to hold back
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with tight reins on a leash that drags me forward.
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God's at work around me, but often I have blinders
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on. I look instead through a lens of my own perceptions.
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I see situations, people and circumstances as I
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am look for my own answers and solutions formed from a tiny
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snapshot of what I can see. As I'm learning to step back
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from the role of designated fixer, a larger piece of the picture is being
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revealed to me. It's almost as if I'm being trusted
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with something sacred in an unspoken agreement that requires me
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to be still and wait. It's a gift
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and one my heart is grateful for. I'll be honest and say
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that the compulsion is still present in those moments to jump back in and take
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the reins. I got it from here, Lord. Thank you. But today
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I'm learning to wait for what's next. The invitation.
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I'm learning that while God works in my child's life,
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he also works in mine. And for now,
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and maybe even for always, mine is where my focus needs
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to be. After writing that, I started to
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think about all the things that could go sideways if I jump
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in and try to fix the situation.
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1. It could damage trust between me and my son
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if he feels like I'm inserting myself into his personal life,
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especially something as vulnerable and defining as a romantic
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relationship. He could perceive it as controlling,
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disrespectful or intrusive, and this could lead to emotional
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distance or defensiveness. It could lead to him withholding future
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details about his life, and it could lead to a breakdown in the
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open communication that I've worked really hard to build with him.
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Even if my concerns are valid, how I bring them up matters
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just as much as whether I'm right.
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2. It could undermine his emotional development so one
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of the most painful and necessary parts of growing
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up is learning through experience. And that includes making
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poor relationship choices, learning how to set boundaries,
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and figuring out what love, respect, and compatibility really
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look like. If I were to interrupt that process too early,
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I could unintentionally rob him of the opportunity to build
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emotional maturity and discernment.
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As a parent, my wisdom is valuable,
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but when I offer it without ownership over the outcome,
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that invites growth rather than resistance.
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3. It could end up strengthening his attachment to the relationship.
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This is that classic Romeo and Juliet effect, right? Like when
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a relationship is met with resistance or judgment, it can cause our child
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to idealize their partner even more. It can deepen
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their bond as they feel like they have to defend the relationship together.
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And it might end up delaying healthy reflection or decisions
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that they may have made on their own otherwise. Sometimes stepping
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in too strongly creates exactly the opposite outcome of what we've hoped
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for. After I had some time to kind of think through some of
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these things, it became clear to me that I really needed to be more thoughtful
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about how I would proceed. So today I want to talk about how,
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as mamas, we can begin to move away from being
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controlled by those powerful emotions our children so
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often stir up in us and start shifting from being pushed
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by fear to being led by love.
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I know I've talked about this before, but I just can't seem to get over
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how parenting felt easier when our kids
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were little. I mean, sure, the physical demands were heavier, right? There was
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sleepless nights and diaper changes and tantrums in the middle of Target.
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But our instincts. Our instincts were
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loud and clear. I mean, pick them up when they cry, feed them when they're
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hungry, hold them when they're scared. I remember holding
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my son at 2 in the morning, absolutely exhausted
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but still knowing exactly what he needed.
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The way he liked to be held, the little butt pat rhythm
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that I did while burping him, the gentle sway that would
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have him snoring again before I could finish the second verse of you Are My
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Sunshine. Fast forward to now.
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He's 19 and when he rolls his eyes at me for
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asking him to clean out his disaster zone of a car or God
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forbid, put away his laundry, I just stand there,
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frozen, wondering. Do I walk away
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and let this be a character building moment, or do I
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grab him by his shirt and threaten to ground him if he rolls his eyes
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at me again? Is grounding still a thing at 19?
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Unclear. And all the while I'm fighting the urge to
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just do it for him. Not because I should, but because I'd feel
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better, at least for a minute, if the back seat didn't look like a crime
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scene involving chick Fil A sauce. Now, if you just
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heard that and screamed internally, no, don't do it.
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First of all, thank you. I need that kind of accountability.
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Second, if you've ever wrestled with the emotional tug of
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war between letting go and taking over. Same friend.
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And yes, I know I have control issues. That's where all my podcast
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content comes from. I'm working on it, okay? My point is,
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as they grow into teenagers and young adults, everything around us
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and everything inside us just gets louder.
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Their voices, their viewpoints, their desires.
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Society's opinions start to pile on too. You only need to
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scroll through a comment section to feel the pressure.
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And then there's our own fear. The questions, the anxieties,
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the what if spirals. That voice gets deafening,
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doesn't it? So it makes sense that along the way
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we stop leading from that deep inner knowing
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we had in the rocking chair at 2am and instead we start
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parenting like a pinball machine, reacting to every bump, every comment,
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every meltdown where it's nearly impossible to hear the quiet
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wisdom within. Here's what I'm learning. Before I can find
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my way back to trusting my instincts, I have to get back to listening to
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and connecting with the wisdom Inside myself,
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I have to make a practice of doing things like checking in and
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asking myself questions like what are my feelings
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telling me about this situation? Not my
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fears, but my feelings. Personally, my feelings
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almost always seem to tell me the same thing. Girl,
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you are way too emotional to make a wise decision right
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now. If I'm feeling anxious, angry,
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exhausted, scared, sad, even hungry,
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I've learned that the first thing I need to do is acknowledge and address those
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feelings. To pause long enough to feel these emotions that
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want to protect me, to talk them over with someone,
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to pray about them, to journal them. But before
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I can move forward with discernment, I have to first honor
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them. I have to hear them out. And that is not
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easy to do. Because we want solutions. We want
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an end to the feelings. We want to fast forward
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through all that ick and get to the place where we can just
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check the box marked done, move on, and hope
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it never shows up again. Now, that might
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sound a little silly or maybe even woo woo, but one
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thing I'm learning is that wisdom never rides the coattails
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of protective emotions. Should I say that again?
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Because I kind of feel like I should, Even if it's only just for me.
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Wisdom never rides the coattails of
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emotions that are trying to protect us.
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But once I've processed those emotions, then I've cleared some space
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in my head and I can ask myself, what direction do I sense I need
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to go? See, we tend to move from feeling to
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answer, feeling to answer. We let those feelings jump into the driver's
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seat and begin driving the bus, only to realize two miles down
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the road that we're headed straight into a dead end. Or worse, off a cliff.
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Our feelings are not meant to provide answers.
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They're meant to be indicators. Little road signs
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pointing towards something deeper. Maybe it's a boundary that
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needs to be set. Maybe I have to take a step back and release control.
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Maybe today love looks like tough love, but we
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can't know if we don't stop and listen.
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Here's a question for you. When was the last
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time you truly listened
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to what your heart, mind and
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gut were telling you without filtering it
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through fear? I'll be honest with you, though. There are definitely
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times in the quiet space when I'm trying to check
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in with myself, asking what's true, what matters? And fear
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cuts in before wisdom can even get a word out.
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See, when I heard about the argument between my son and
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his girlfriend, my mind immediately assigned him
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the role of victim and her into the role of villain. And without thinking,
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I Assigned myself into the role of. Can you guess?
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Rescuer? I didn't know what I should do,
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but I felt like everything was hinging on me and
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how I was going to handle the situation.
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Suddenly, clarity is crowded out by questions that
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sound a lot like doubt. And I begin asking myself questions
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like, what if I let him figure this out on his own and he goes
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through life believing that in relationships it's normal for things to
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escalate to the point of name calling? What if
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I share my concerns with him and he thinks I'm blowing it out of proportion
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and doesn't share things that happen with me in the future, thereby cutting
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him off to anybody else's feedback or perspective?
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What if this dynamic between them continues and it grows into
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this toxic relationship? Those,
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for me, were some pretty scary what ifs. Well, one thing I know is that
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when those what ifs creep up, that's when it's time for me to counter
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those fears with facts. And one simple question that
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I can do that with. Is. Is it true that.
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Is it true that if I let him figure this out on
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his own that he'll fall into an unhealthy relationship
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pattern that he never gets out of for the rest of his life?
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Is it true that if I express my concerns in a respectful way
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that he'll shut himself off from me and no longer want to share what's
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going on in his relationship? Is it true
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that just because they haven't figured out how to talk through relationship
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issues in a respectful way with each other, they never will?
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Almost always the answer is no.
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See, fear demands urgency. Truth invites
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clarity. Fear wants us to do something and do something
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now. Now. But truth says,
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breathe, take your time,
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think this over, and make the choice that's
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incongruence with the kind of mother you want to be.
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Make the choice that's in congruence with the relationship
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you want to have. Fear demands urgency.
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Truth invites clarity.
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Because I'm walking this road, too, I like to try and share new
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tools that I'm personally practicing that are helping me bring more
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clarity and strength to my journey. Today's tool is
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called the Three Minute Heart Check. Now, this is a simple daily practice
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that helps me reconnect with my own inner wisdom,
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especially in the middle of parenting chaos. Which, let's be honest,
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doesn't magically disappear once our kids reach adulthood.
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Sorry for that. Spoiler alert if you haven't realized that yet.
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The truth is, relationships don't come with an
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off switch. Ever. Our kids are our kids until our
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last dying breath. Our relationships with them will
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evolve. They will stretch us and they will always remember,
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require care, attention and work.
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We never get to just retire from being a parent.
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Now I do this 3 minute heart check with my cup of coffee and my
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journal, which is just a fancy name for a spiral notebook. I like
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to do it then because I feel like it helps to kind of just ground
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me before starting my day. But you could do yours
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in the notes app on your phone when you wake up. You could do it
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during lunch or even before you go to bed. And all you do
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is you answer three questions. Question number one what
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feels loud right now?
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Are your child's choices weighing really heavy
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on you? Is there a tense conversation that took place with a teacher or a
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therapist that's still echoing in your head?
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Maybe it's a fear you haven't dared to say out loud
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yet. Some days it's just one thing, and other days it feels like
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a whole tangled mess. And occasionally,
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though rarely, it's quiet.
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Whatever it is, the goal isn't to fix it right away.
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The goal is just to notice it, to name what's taking
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up space in your mind.
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That simple act of naming helps loosen
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the grip. You don't have to solve it all in that moment.
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Just give it a name, give it a place,
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and give yourself permission to breathe.
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So after identifying what feels loud, I ask
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myself the next question. This one's revolutionary.
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Are you ready for it? What do I need
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today? Me,
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not everyone else. What do I need
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today? Do I need rest?
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Reassurance? Space to breathe
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or cry or just be for a moment?
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Do I need a conversation with someone who gets it?
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Or the simple grace to leave the dishes in the sink and the
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laundry unfolded for one more day?
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I don't know if you're like me, but I've spent a lot of time pushing
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past my own needs, trying to hold everything together
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for everyone else.
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But I'm learning. Wisdom grows in the
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pause when we begin to notice ourselves again,
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without guilt, without shame.
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That's when clarity has room to grow.
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So I write it down, whatever I need, however small or
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silly it might be. Because honoring our need is part of becoming
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whole. And then, after identifying
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what's loud and what I need, I ask myself this third and final
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question. What is my gut?
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My deeper, quieter voice trying to
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tell me? Here are some examples of what mine might
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be trying to say. Slow down.
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You don't have to fix this all today.
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Or you can hold firm and still
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be kind. Or you're allowed to
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take a day or two before you respond or just because
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they're upset doesn't mean you're doing it wrong or set
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the boundary even if they don't understand it right now,
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the truth is we might not get a perfect answer.
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But even a whisper like wait,
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not yet or take a breath,
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it's worth listening to.
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Because that quiet voice, it's where our strength
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lives. See, we'll never trust a voice we've
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stopped listening to. This reset is just a
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few minutes a day, but it builds a very important muscle
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in us. It's a muscle of self awareness.
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And we do a really good job of being aware of
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everything else going around us. I mean, we can pick up on the slightest
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cues that anybody in our family circle is off.
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But one place where we really neglect and lack is
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our self awareness. And I found that each time I practice it,
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I respond more with wisdom and less out of fear.
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Listening to our inner voice is a start, but the
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real transformation happens when we learn to trust it.
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Trust it even when our child pushes back. Trust it
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even if others question or judge our choices.
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Trust it even if trusting it feels lonely for a while.
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And here's what I'm coming to understand in my own parenting journey.
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One day, my son will
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pack up all the things in his bedroom into boxes and
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suitcases, and he'll leave the home we raised him
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in to make a life for himself out in the world.
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And when that day comes, I won't
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be asking myself, did I handle that situation that
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came up with his girlfriend in the car the right way.
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I'll be asking myself, did I parent with enough
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love? Did I offer grace when he was still
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figuring life out? Did I support and encourage
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him in ways that made him feel safe and seen?
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And did I stay true to what I believed was right? Not out of fear
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or a need to control, but because I was led by love.
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Because deep down inside me, I know that
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when my son's choices clash with my expectations,
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how I respond matters.
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Is it grounded in values that build relationship?
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Or is it shaped by fear, frustration, or the pressure
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to avoid conflict? That's what I want to carry with me.
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Not whether I got it perfect, but whether
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I showed up with love, courage and conviction.
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Because friend, the capital T. Truth is
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that perfection in parenting, in mothering,
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isn't our goal. Our goal
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is to be true to the sacred work
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of parenting we've been entrusted with.
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My prayer this week has been a simple one, and it sounded
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something like this. God help me, parent from love today,
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not fear remind me that love
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sometimes means I have to let go of
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what I want to see happen and trust that you are
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working in the details. And when I do
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get it right, sis, even just for a moment,
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I feel lighter. My chest unclenches.
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I can actually look my child in the eyes
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without that tightness in my stomach.
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Second Timothy 1:7 says, For God has not given us
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a spirit of fear, but of power,
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love, and a sound mind.
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This verse reminds me, fear is not from God.
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Love is. And even the hardest
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calls I have to make, the ones that might scare the hell
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out of me or that might disappoint or upset my kiddo,
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they can be made from a place
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of deep, unwavering love.
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Friend, we are doing sacred work standing
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in the gap for our children and yes, for ourselves too.
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We're learning to listen to the quiet voice within,
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to face fear head on, to lean into
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love and truth instead of panic and pressure. And that.
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That is wisdom.
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Now for the fun part. I'd love to hear from you.
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If you have any questions, comments, or maybe even just
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something you're struggling with that you want to hear more about, shoot me an email@parentingthothehardmail.com
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if you it's so easy for us to forget that our thoughts,
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our experiences, and even our struggles can be the very thing that
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helps someone else begin to heal. If you want
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to be part of what we're doing, you can sponsor an episode by making a
28:08
donation of any size, big or small. Every gift goes straight to
28:12
covering the cost of production, and you can find the link to donate in the
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show notes. It's an honor, friend,
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to walk with you on your journey and to have you beside me
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on mine. I'm so grateful you're here with me as
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we learn how to show up for ourselves, for our kids, even when
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they're grown, and for the quiet, courageous work of
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healing even when it's hard. Until next time,
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let's stay grounded in what truly matters, keep taking steps
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forward, and remember, we're allowed to stumble lies,
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learn and give ourselves grace as we move through the hard parts
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of this journey. You're doing better than you think,