Latest / The Bridges and Beacons Podcast / Embracing Joy and Healing with Irina Shehovsov

Transcript

Embracing Joy and Healing with Irina Shehovsov · The Bridges and Beacons Podcast

• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to the Mystic Nerd Squad podcast.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: I'm your host, Kelly Meyerson.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: And today I'm really excited to have a special guest today.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: I have been interviewing guests from all over the world.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: It just so happens that she and I are not that far apart in the tri-state area.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: Um my guest is Irina Shahovsa.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: Did I pronounce your last name?
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: Awesome.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: And she is a transformational coach podcaster and author.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: Recently, I had the honor of being on her podcast.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm so excited because you know, my guests fill out forms and they tell me what we're going to be talking about.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: And your title got me so excited because it's right in the crux of what I love to talk about.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: A little bit of science and a little bit of spirituality.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: So your topic is the science and spirituality of healing after a toxic relationship.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: So I'd love to start out.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: How did this topic become one that was important to you?
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: It all started.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: First of all, thank you so much for having me.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: And it all started with me becoming a single parent to a newborn and a five-year-old, and uh living in this miserable condition for about a year, waiting for somebody to come rescue me.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, nobody did, so I decided to rescue myself.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: And this is how it became personal for me.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Where I embarked on a journey of personal development and growth, and uh I wanted I uh got on a quest of finding out what happiness is because I decided in that fateful morning, one time standing on a train platform, that we didn't come here to suffer.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't come here to suffer, I came here to live in joy.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know what it looked like or what it would uh amount to, but I made the decision that however I was living wasn't working and I needed to change.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: And that kind of started this whole quest, this whole journey.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my goodness.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: So am I right in believing that you're you're not originally from the tri-state area, that you were from someplace different prior to coming here.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: That's correct.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I'm from Uzbekistan.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, that's a country uh near um Afghanistan, near Turkey, on the other side of the world.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I've been here, this is I think uh year 23-0.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: Whoa.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: So this has been your home for a very long time.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it has been.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, awesome.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: So toxic relationships can leave deep scars in the mind and body.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: From your experience, how does trauma from these relationships affect your nervous system and your overall well-being?
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: I believe we are holistic beings, we operate in those four states of being of physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: And when we're talking about trauma, we only think about emotions because we are stuck in that negative event.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: But it has because we operate in those four states of being, everything that we do touches in on all those areas, and when we get stuck in trauma so much, we might develop a disease which is unease in our physical body.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because before we were getting maybe alerts and notices when our emotions and how we were feeling, but we weren't paying attention.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: So finally, when it affects our physical body, then we start noticing, then we start paying attention.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: So trauma has this trauma, I call it big impact on everything that we do and how we show up for ourselves, how we show up for others, because we have that, let's say, negative experience that took place sometime in the past, and now every our every our current-day experience, our day-to-day life, we see through the prism of what has happened in the past, and we see every opportunity, every person.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: We have that kind of negative filter that we see our world from.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine you wearing glasses, imagine where when you have smudges on your glasses, how difficult it is to see what the world is truly like.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: You think that everything is negative, you think that everything is bad, but this is only your perception from what has happened in your life.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: So that's kind of a little example of what trauma can look like or feel like.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: And it is not to negate the fact that what happened is somehow childish or anything.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: We all have kind of traumas in different times in our past.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: And it's when we decide to accept responsibility for what took place instead of blaming others, how unfairly we were treated.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: But to realize that we also had a part in it.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: We also made decisions and choices that then led to create that kind of experience that showed up in our face.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's a very bitter pill to swallow.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because the trauma that had taken place in your life.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: But we gotta do that if we ever want to be free from it, if we ever want to recover and go on the other side, we gotta first accept responsibility for our actions for our life.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: We cannot uh control or force others, we can only control and design how we are reacting to a situation, our experience.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: We can only change ourselves, and until we come to that acceptance place, it is very difficult to kind of look at your life and to clear those glasses so that they are smudge free, so that you can see a different picture because that picture is always there, but we are a little bit blinded by what has happened in the past.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, yes, and I don't know about you, but um the word trauma used to be something like big and catastrophic.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: And as we've gone through, I don't know, maybe the past 20 years, the the lens that we're looking at trauma is a little bit different.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: And I think there may have been times where people who legitimately experience traumatic events and the conditioning was well, it's not as bad as XYZ, it's not as bad as this person.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: But if I'm understanding what you're saying, the the experience of trauma is individual, the way that it affects us and the way that it changes the way we view the world is personal, and only when we have that sense of personal empowerment do we get there.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: But I know you and I have both had the experience of trauma in life and coming through to the other side, but the beginning stages when you first start to maybe be aware that this is not right and I'm not okay, and I don't want it to be this way anymore.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: What are some initial steps in case somebody is listening and they they resonate with what you're talking about?
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: I can share from my personal experience my journey back to self started with physical health because it's something that we can see in the mirror, and it's not to say, you know, overweight or underweight or whatever, but I think physical experience is so much closer to how we experience the world.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's how that was my experience, you know, coming back to my senses and taking care of my physical health, not to say that it was bad, but to start realizing that nobody's coming to take care of me.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta take care of myself.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: So creating a better morning routine, eating better, exercising, moving bodies, because our bodies were designed to move, that that those things were the first things.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: But again, they only came after I have realized that however I was leaving wasn't working and I needed to change.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't come to that point of realization that you want to change, whatever I say might not resonate, it might not mean anything.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you're in the midst of it and you have not come to that point, you know, yes, I gotta change, then you can you know take that step of starting.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: And then after physical health, you know, all the other components, the emotional and the mental and the spiritual, and a lot of of it is actually mental and emotional because we get stuck in those negative experiences.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: How do we start to let go of those?
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: How do we start reframing our thoughts and catching ourselves?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: First, it's awareness, because sometimes we can you know get on that negative train wagon and something didn't go our way, and then we start uh regulating the same thought in our mind and saying those things and not even noticing what we say because our mind is always listening to what's coming out of our mouth, but if we don't catch ourselves, we can just employ that is so hard.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: Cannot understate that that um that mindset piece and the language that we use and um the conditioning that we exist under and take on as our own belief system.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: So I remember you sharing with me the two really simple practices are gratitude and forgiveness.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: And the reason I want you to hop into those is because if somebody is even further stuck on their journey and they're like it's a crisis for them, they can't even get started.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: Um, something that they could do from their bed, from the couch, you know, from a safe space.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_01: Um how would you say people can use gratitude and forgiveness?
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: Totally.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Gratitude is very simple and it will bring you into the present experience because you cannot be grateful and be somewhere in the past or in the future.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: You can be right here, right now.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: And the simplest thing to try in the morning before you hop out, or as soon as you hop out of bed and your feet hit the floor, say three things you are grateful for.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: It could be something simple: the fact that you woke up, the fact that the sun is shining, and you have a roof over your head.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to be complicated, it could be very, very simple.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: But what happens in that moment, we start paying attention at things in our life that are working instead of things that are missing or not going according to plan.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: We put the focus of our attention on things that are good, and suddenly you might realize you may have more than three things that you are grateful for, and then leading your day with that.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: Then throughout your day, anytime you see something amazing, something beautiful, whether it is a sunrise or a smile on your child's face, or something amazing happened, just in that moment right there, be grateful that it did happen and you were able to experience that, you know, by being right there and feeling it in your body.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: And again, when you stop, hop out of bed, don't just mouse what you're saying, but actually feel it in your body, exercise and engage all your senses, and you will feel so much better as a result.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: So, and then at night, when you go to bed, instead of remembering all the things that didn't go well or arguments you had with people in your life, remember three things that went well that day.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know how we tell fairy tales for our kids when uh you know, to send them to sleep.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: What if you tell yourself a fairy tale by remembering or recounting three things that went well that day?
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: And it's so much better kind of for you to go to sleep with that idea, you know, I did this today, or I got to see this today, as opposed to, oh, I didn't complete, I have my 10 bullet point list, and I didn't get to cross off all the items.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: So again, shifting your focus.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: So that's how you can practice gratitude in your day-to-day life.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I love that so much.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I think too, some common themes in what we've been talking about here is really getting out of the mind and into the body using our senses and finding that felt safety in the present moment.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_01: Then our minds can get so busy because you know, I know in my past history with some challenging times, the stories that I would repeat in my head and to other people kept me locked in that loop.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_01: And I can remember the moment that I hit an awareness of, oh my goodness, I am also responsible.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_01: And in that moment, I had forgiveness for myself, forgiveness for the other person, and a lightness moving forward because I no longer had to exist in that storyline.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_01: I got to choose something different.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: Forgiveness is so, so important.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, it takes time to get there, to get to that realization.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: But in the end of the day, what we gotta remember is that we're not forgiving for other people, we are forgiving for ourselves.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, they say that, you know, when you're saying those bad things, do you get onto that negative train wagon?
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: You're waiting, you're eating poison and hoping somebody else will get sick from it.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: But what happens as a result, you get sick from it.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: You get to do that.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: So why do that to yourself?
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: Forgive yourself again, like you said, forgive others and forgive the experiences that you were in, because we always operate with the best of our abilities with the resources we have available at the time.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: So now maybe you know better.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: But when it happened, you didn't know better.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's all you knew.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: So, how can you blame others or yourself?
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: Just let go and forgive.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: And one great thing you can do in the morning, in other things, like don't bring your worry.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: So, when you're recounting those three things when you go to sleep at night, three things that went well, and also let go of any arguments of any like on the grand scheme of things.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: If you kind of take yourself and look at your life from a bigger perspective instead of focusing on this micro moment, is this argument, is this uh quarrel, is it worse for you to drag on and keep it alive, or is it better because it's so minuscule if you think about it, to not bring your worries, in other words, into another day.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: Let go of what took place in your three-day call, three-day ingratitude practice in the end of the night, and let go of all the worries, let go of all those troubles or those things, so that you can start each day fresh, each day as new, without bringing the baggage of yesterday, the problems, the quarrels into your new day.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: Because each day, how do they say every day is a present, we are given, we are not promised, and every time we have a new morning to wake up to, we've got to be grateful, we gotta be present and not tainted with yesterday's quarrels.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_01: I love that advice so much.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_01: And I think sometimes we beat ourselves up because we didn't get it right, you know.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so I think that forgiveness practice for ourselves is also good, right?
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_01: So I would be remiss if we didn't talk about the fact that there could be somebody listening who's still in a toxic relationship, they haven't left it yet.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_01: Um we can say, irregardless of the safety of the situation, or I'm sure you have some resources for people if they need a little bit more.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_01: How do you start to take those first steps of leaving a toxic relationship?
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: Well, first it's the real realization that you want to do so, and oftentimes we are prevented.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's like I am here, I'm stuck, but it is so familiar, and I know my bad thing, but I know it.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: And if I step out, it's gonna be something new, and new means dangerous because so taking micro little things to make our mind a little bit familiar with the unfamiliar, taking the first uh baby steps.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: Uh so first, you know, recognizing what kind of life do you want to create for yourself?
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe make a list.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's not wishful thinking, but draft out what you want to experience, what is your intention for your life?
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because oftentimes, if you ask somebody what do you want, oftentimes they're gonna blurt out to you things they don't want.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: But actually, have you actually sit down and kind of created what you want to achieve?
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it might not sound realistic right now, but if you throw out all those preconceived notions of what realistic is, and just draft on a piece of paper the kind of life that you want to experience, and maybe do a little meditation or put some soft music on and describe your perfect day.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: What do you when do you wake up?
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: Who are you next to?
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: Who do you have breakfast with?
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: And what do you do throughout your day, and how do you feel in the end of your day?
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: I did that for myself.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: And one of my dreams was becoming an author.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: And what I used to do in the mornings, I would wake up and I take myself out on a walk.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I used to do, like Tanya Robbins says, the power hour.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: So my first hour of the day, I would recite my story, the story of the life that I wanted to create.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, granted, I was already out of my relationship, but I was living in that toxic state, and I wanted to shift my reality, I wanted to change.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: So I would recite the story that of the person who I wanted to be.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: One of those things was I wanted to become an author.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: And this dream, so it started, I think 2015, when I was speaking it out, and in 22 I became an author.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and uh it's been uh so this is year three.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: I've done six books and seven is on the way.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: It came to be.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: This thing came to pass.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, at the time it felt very unrealistic, and like, who am I to write a book or whatever?
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: But you gotta draft, you gotta start somewhere, you gotta create that story of your life because, like you said, we are not us, our past does not define our future.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: We get to create the story.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: So, what is the story of your life?
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: What kind of story do you want to create?
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: Why did you come here?
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: Did you come here to suffer, or did you came here to have a great human experience?
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: It is never too late to start, no matter how old you are.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_00: You can always create a different story for your life because we are, I don't know if you want to call it a simulation, but we live this life.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: We are the producer, the actor, the judge, the persecutioner of our own show.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_00: We get to act it out, then we get to judge ourselves to no end, and we get to be in all that stuff.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: So, what kind of show do you want to create and then live in it?
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_00: Creating, I think, if you're in the midst of it, start writing what kind of story you want to create for yourself.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, it is a daily thing.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: Once you write it, you gotta speak it, you gotta feel it, you gotta embody it, and imagine what it would feel like and what it would look like, and then practice it on a daily basis.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: That was my journey.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, here I am sharing it.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I I was an introvert, and I'm still an introvert, and uh now I have podcasts, I am speaking on other people's platforms, I have written books, and the person who I was and the person who I am now is completely different people.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: So anything is possible, but you gotta start somewhere, you gotta make a decision that you want to create a different life for yourself.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: This is, I think, is the first most important point.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: No matter how toxic the situation is now, if you are sick and tired of it, start somewhere small, but simply you know, drafting what is the kind of life that you want to create.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: And then later on, there are so many practices, there are meditations, there are practices of gratitude and forgiveness, and then there is so much opportunity is available so much right now, and there are groups.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_00: Kind of when I became a single parent, I was this outlier because everybody was together and married and happy.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_00: But now there are so many community places, there are so many like if you are on a journey, sometimes it's easier when you have people alongside you who are going through the same thing, as opposed to when you think you're alone.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: We all Have uh we are all traveling on our individual paths, but it's so much easier when you have a person who is kind of have been through there and going on the same uh journey along with you.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh, I love this, and I feel like this is such a great time to highlight what you do and the people you serve and how people can find you because I'm sure there's somebody out there who is like, this this is exactly the sign I've been looking for.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_01: So, how do people find you and how can they work with you?
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: So I am on web my website is irinazehoftsov.com, and there are a lot of free resources available on YouTube.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_00: My YouTube channel is called Happiness Academy underscore, uh has a gazillion of videos on uh you know how to improve physical body mindset because it's all about again physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_00: How do we create habits that allow us to strive in those states of being so that we can become better?
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, in uh my solo book that came out in December of 24.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's called The Gift Insight: 12 Steps to Heal Unworthiness, Brokenness and Victim Mentality so that you can find your happy.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: The book is available on Amazon in the country where you live.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, other resources.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_00: I have a Facebook group for limitless women, and every month I run a challenge actually dedicated to the book.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_00: Each month we study one chapter from the book.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: There is also monthly group coaching available where we go deeper into the book again, sharing resources.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: Then there are two podcasts.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: One is called Single Parent Success Story.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's available on all the platforms.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: Tomorrow we're gonna be five-year-old on March 2nd, 2025.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and the second part, and so this one is for single parents, and the second is called Reclaim Your Life with Irina, where I had Kelly on.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, that one is also available, and that uh one is for people who had a wake-up call that suddenly changed the trajectory of their life.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm interviewing and sharing stories of resilience, how no matter how dark the circumstance was, they were able to recover and get out from it.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_00: So, yeah, books are available on Amazon and on my website.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: And then I do have coaching that I provide one-on-one or in a group setting.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm also NLP trainer and timeline therapy master coach.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_00: This is uh a tool that allows you to let go of negative emotions, limiting decisions, and such had such a profound effect on myself that I am sharing it with others as well.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, this is how people can connect and interact with me.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_01: Amazing.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna put everything in the show notes for you listeners so you can pick your journey and how you want to connect with Arena.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_01: I am so appreciative of you, and I just want to highlight something you said at the beginning that you believed that somebody was coming to rescue you and realized very quickly, or maybe not too quickly, as some of us it takes some time, that you are the hero in your own story.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_01: So, listener, you're the hero.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_01: You have choices, you have opportunity, you have support.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_01: Find your community, and you can do this.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening, thank you for being here, and thank you, Arena.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_01: I treasure this episode, and we'll be sure to link the one that I did with you in the show notes as well.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_01: Take care, everybody.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_01: You're welcome.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_01: Bye for now.