Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / Determine your own value and never look for it in other places again (E)

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Determine your own value and never look for it in other places again (E) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:14
Speaker 1: How Low, My Beautiful Beans. Welcome to the episode of Today.
0:18
Speaker 1: This episode is probably one of my favorite topics to
0:21
Speaker 1: talk about and one of the most important topics to
0:24
Speaker 1: talk about. It is about how to determine your own
0:27
Speaker 1: value and never look for it in other places. Again. So,
0:30
Speaker 1: I originally released this episode over a year ago, and
0:34
Speaker 1: it just got so I got so many emails and
0:38
Speaker 1: messages and people that really really enjoyed listening to this episode.
0:41
Speaker 1: And I also got a lot of people telling me
0:42
Speaker 1: that they've re listened to these episodes, especially the ones
0:46
Speaker 1: that are about your self value. So in this episode,
0:49
Speaker 1: I talk about the difference between perceived value and actual value,
0:53
Speaker 1: how to stop letting other people determine your value, and
0:56
Speaker 1: how to use the idea of a value exchange and
1:00
Speaker 1: the idea of effort and sacrifice to turn everything around
1:04
Speaker 1: to really help you determine your own value and not
1:07
Speaker 1: look for it in other places. Again, I really, really,
1:10
Speaker 1: really hope that you guys enjoyed this episode. If you
1:12
Speaker 1: have heard this episode before, hopefully you can give it
1:15
Speaker 1: another listen and see if you can discover new things.
1:17
Speaker 1: And if you enjoy it, please share it, rate and
1:20
Speaker 1: review the podcast. Thank you. Again, love you guys so much.
1:24
Speaker 1: Let's get straight into it. Since things just before we
1:39
Speaker 1: get into the topic of today, I did want to
1:42
Speaker 1: speak about my audio book which is coming out very soon.
1:46
Speaker 1: It is called How to Chase Change Thirty Days to
1:48
Speaker 1: Master Your mindset. This audiobook is I'm so excited for
1:53
Speaker 1: you guys to do it. It's I think it's unreal. It
1:56
Speaker 1: goes for thirty days. You listen to roughly ten minutes
1:59
Speaker 1: a day for thirty days, and after every single session
2:02
Speaker 1: or module, you get either a piece of homework and
2:05
Speaker 1: exercise to do or further resources for you to further
2:09
Speaker 1: your knowledge in that topic. But there is something, a
2:12
Speaker 1: task or a resource every single day for those thirty
2:15
Speaker 1: days you can be doing it. It can take you
2:17
Speaker 1: longer than the thirty days, but it is designed for
2:20
Speaker 1: by the end of that thirty day period, your life
2:24
Speaker 1: is absolutely transformed. You've got a much better understanding of
2:27
Speaker 1: who you are and what you want. If you want
2:30
Speaker 1: to pre order the book, just check the link in
2:32
Speaker 1: the bio and you can click on that link and
2:35
Speaker 1: pre order the book. It comes out September tenth, so
2:38
Speaker 1: get your pre orders in. I'm so excited and I
2:41
Speaker 1: can't wait to hear from you guys and hear what
2:43
Speaker 1: you think about the book The Psychology slash Brain Fact
2:50
Speaker 1: of Today. And this is something that I actually saw
2:53
Speaker 1: on a like a YouTube shorts video, and it's something
3:00
Speaker 1: there's Zahavian signal. I hadn't heard of this before, so
3:03
Speaker 1: I did a little bit of research into it and
3:05
Speaker 1: I found it quite interesting. And the person who was
3:08
Speaker 1: talking about this is a man named doctor Gad Sad,
3:12
Speaker 1: and he is a marketing professor who uses evolutionary psychology
3:16
Speaker 1: and applies it to consumer behavior. So he's really interesting.
3:19
Speaker 1: And he's been interviewed on a whole bunch of podcasts
3:22
Speaker 1: and I think he may have his own podcasts, but
3:24
Speaker 1: I'm not don't quote me on that, but he talks.
3:28
Speaker 1: He was the one who was talking about this. But
3:29
Speaker 1: the person who coined this term was an Israeli biologist, Zahavi. Well,
3:35
Speaker 1: his surname is Zahavi Amot's Zahavi is his name now
3:38
Speaker 1: a Zahavian signal. The definition, well, I'm going to give
3:41
Speaker 1: you two definitions. I'm gonna give you the one that
3:43
Speaker 1: I heard Gad Sad, doctor Sad say, because I found
3:46
Speaker 1: it really like he summarized it really well, and then
3:49
Speaker 1: I'll give you the longer version of it. But he says,
3:52
Speaker 1: in order for something to be honest, it must be costly. Okay.
3:58
Speaker 1: Now the other and this is like the really interesting
4:00
Speaker 1: psychological phenomenon that is seen in animals and massively in
4:04
Speaker 1: humans as well, but you see it across species. Now,
4:08
Speaker 1: the other definition that I saw, which is longer, is behavior.
4:11
Speaker 1: Signal refers to the ability of an organism to display
4:14
Speaker 1: certain traits of behaviors that signal its genetic fitness, thereby
4:18
Speaker 1: enhancing its attractiveness and its influence within a certain context.
4:22
Speaker 1: So this is associated with something called signaling theory as well.
4:26
Speaker 1: But basically it states that the effectiveness of the signal
4:30
Speaker 1: that the person or the animal is demonstrating lies in
4:33
Speaker 1: the honesty, and the more honest, the more effective it is.
4:37
Speaker 1: So if you find this interesting, go check it out
4:39
Speaker 1: on YouTube. I find this really really interesting. But this
4:41
Speaker 1: comes down to you can use a whole bunch of
4:43
Speaker 1: examples for this. But for example, anyone can bluff, you know,
4:49
Speaker 1: so anyone can say, you know, I'm going to fucking
4:50
Speaker 1: bash you, I'm going to do this, I'm going to
4:52
Speaker 1: do that, But if someone who you know for a
4:54
Speaker 1: fact has bashed multiple people and has succeeded every single time,
5:00
Speaker 1: and then they turn and say I'm gonna fucking bash you,
5:02
Speaker 1: you're gonna be like, holy fucking shit, Not only do
5:05
Speaker 1: I know that you actually would bash someone because you've
5:07
Speaker 1: done it. You're not just all talk. You've done it,
5:10
Speaker 1: but you've won every time. That's an honest, fucking signal.
5:14
Speaker 1: And it's costly because the person has put themselves through
5:17
Speaker 1: beating someone up and the repercussions and the risk. So
5:20
Speaker 1: with costly, they've gone through what they've done it, they've
5:22
Speaker 1: come out the other side, they've won, so they're obviously strong.
5:25
Speaker 1: So then if they say, oh, I'm gonna fucking bash you,
5:28
Speaker 1: that signal is pretty fucking honest because you understand their
5:31
Speaker 1: history and you know that for sure not only would
5:34
Speaker 1: they bash you, but they probably beat you up into
5:35
Speaker 1: a pulp Versus someone who's just got road rape saying
5:39
Speaker 1: I'm gonna bash you, and there's no like weight to that,
5:41
Speaker 1: there's no honesty, so it's not effective. Okay, So that's
5:44
Speaker 1: an example. Another example is an engagement ring when someone
5:49
Speaker 1: proposes and this is where doctor sad was talking about
5:51
Speaker 1: this on this video. He was saying that the reason
5:55
Speaker 1: engagement rings traditionally are supposed to be three month's worth
6:01
Speaker 1: of your salary is because you're supposed to be making
6:06
Speaker 1: You're supposed to show how costly it is for you
6:09
Speaker 1: to propose it to somebody. It means that the signal.
6:11
Speaker 1: It means that your intentions are honest because it has
6:14
Speaker 1: taken you all this time to save up this money,
6:17
Speaker 1: and not only to save up the money, but to
6:19
Speaker 1: sacrifice spending that money on something else. You've then spent
6:21
Speaker 1: it on a ring, and then you're saying, I'm of
6:24
Speaker 1: I really mean it, because I've gone and you know
6:27
Speaker 1: it's honest. I can't just pull this money out of
6:29
Speaker 1: thin a. It's three months off my salary. Whether I
6:31
Speaker 1: make a low salary or whether make a high salary,
6:34
Speaker 1: it is three months proportionate to my income that I
6:37
Speaker 1: have sacrificed for this ring. You know. And also, mind you,
6:40
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that that's what you should be spending
6:42
Speaker 1: on an engagement ring, not fucking at all. But traditionally
6:45
Speaker 1: that's kind of the belief around the engagement ring, and
6:47
Speaker 1: this is why it falls into this behavior signaling because
6:49
Speaker 1: when someone proposes, you look at that and saying, well,
6:53
Speaker 1: you really must mean it, because not every Tom, Dick
6:55
Speaker 1: and Harry is going to be getting down on one
6:57
Speaker 1: day and proposing unless they really have in tensions to
7:01
Speaker 1: spend their life with me. Because that's a big fucking
7:04
Speaker 1: deal to spend that money and to sacrifice that money
7:07
Speaker 1: and to make that commitment. So that's another example that
7:11
Speaker 1: that doctor side used. Now if you look at it
7:14
Speaker 1: in the animal kingdom, an example of this is birds
7:16
Speaker 1: who have like you look at a peacock for example,
7:19
Speaker 1: but birds who have you know, bigger feathers or a
7:20
Speaker 1: better dance, or a puff a more puffed up chest,
7:24
Speaker 1: or a better song. It's an honest signal to attract
7:28
Speaker 1: the female because it means that they are genetically stronger
7:32
Speaker 1: or healthier. They are obviously if they've got you know,
7:36
Speaker 1: bigger feathers and all of this, they're obviously healthy, which
7:39
Speaker 1: means that they're likely to be fit and they can
7:42
Speaker 1: provide for themselves in the sense that they can feed themselves.
7:45
Speaker 1: They can, you know, they can have a healthy life. Therefore,
7:48
Speaker 1: they look a lot better, they look a lot stronger,
7:50
Speaker 1: and they can present a much better dance which requires fitness,
7:54
Speaker 1: or a song which requires whatever. And it also shows
7:56
Speaker 1: that they've got strong genes. You can't a bird can't
7:59
Speaker 1: face it. It's legit. They have to have worked for it,
8:02
Speaker 1: earned it in some way, shape or form, or earn
8:06
Speaker 1: a lifestyle that provides them the ability to come across
8:10
Speaker 1: as very healthy looking or very strong looking. So you
8:14
Speaker 1: either have it because you've worked for it or you don't.
8:18
Speaker 1: This kind of stuff can't be faked. Therefore it is honest,
8:21
Speaker 1: and in order for something to be honest, it has
8:23
Speaker 1: to be costly. That's the same when you know male
8:26
Speaker 1: mammals fight for a female. Again, it's demonstrating to the
8:30
Speaker 1: female not only am I genetically stronger, because you know
8:35
Speaker 1: I'm going to win this fight, or I have won
8:36
Speaker 1: this fight, but I'm also willing to risk a lot.
8:40
Speaker 1: I'm putting a lot on the line. I'm willing to
8:42
Speaker 1: risk it. I'm willing to risk getting bashed. I'm willing
8:45
Speaker 1: to risk getting injured, getting hurt because I'm showing you
8:49
Speaker 1: that it is costly. I'm going to you know, it
8:52
Speaker 1: costs me a lot to prove to you that I
8:55
Speaker 1: want you. And therefore the female is like, well, that's
8:58
Speaker 1: an honest signal. You know, you've not only trained hard,
9:02
Speaker 1: but you're willing to risk a lot as well to
9:04
Speaker 1: prove something to me. Now, it's not just physical strength.
9:08
Speaker 1: That is one of the things that's definitely an honest signal,
9:11
Speaker 1: because you can't you're not just born with it. You
9:13
Speaker 1: have to really work hard for it. But it's it's
9:17
Speaker 1: normally something that shows hard work and a time commitment, right,
9:23
Speaker 1: a skill, intelligence, power, time spent on something. All of
9:29
Speaker 1: these things are perceived as indicators of quality, something of substance,
9:33
Speaker 1: something meaningful, and we as humans respond to this just
9:37
Speaker 1: as much as animals do. Another thing that's really important
9:41
Speaker 1: is how costly it was to get something. So when
9:45
Speaker 1: you look at effort time spent in the case of humans,
9:49
Speaker 1: you're thinking of time or money spent. You know, when
9:52
Speaker 1: you look at engagement rings or when you look at
9:53
Speaker 1: why is it that people? This is another thing that
9:55
Speaker 1: doctor said was saying, he goes, why do you think that?
9:57
Speaker 1: You know, when someone has money, they want to spend
10:00
Speaker 1: it on a Lamborghini or Ferrari, they want to flaunt
10:04
Speaker 1: because you can't fake that. You can't. Well, I mean
10:06
Speaker 1: some people will go absolutely into debt to get this.
10:09
Speaker 1: But for the general population, you can't really fake having
10:13
Speaker 1: a lot of money. You've either earned it or inherited
10:16
Speaker 1: it or you haven't. Right, So it's very honest. If
10:19
Speaker 1: I'm driving a Lamborghini, there's no way I'm making you know,
10:23
Speaker 1: three bucks an hour. It's a true representation off my income.
10:28
Speaker 1: Whether you think that's whatever you think about it, it
10:31
Speaker 1: doesn't matter. But the point is that people's perception of
10:34
Speaker 1: someone driving a sports car is, oh, that must be honest.
10:37
Speaker 1: They're obviously rich, Okay, So it's an indication, it is
10:40
Speaker 1: a signal they are. It's a Zahavian signal. I have
10:43
Speaker 1: this car because it is a representation off my money,
10:48
Speaker 1: and this is an honest signal. So a lot of
10:50
Speaker 1: people will like to, you know, be quite flashy with
10:54
Speaker 1: their possessions because it basically demonstrates what kind of lifestyle
11:01
Speaker 1: they have. A lot of people also, or for example,
11:03
Speaker 1: even just the title doctor if you have, you know,
11:07
Speaker 1: if you've got a doctorate or if you're a medical doctor,
11:10
Speaker 1: and putting that title in your name says a lot
11:13
Speaker 1: about your achievements. Not anyone can just be a doctor.
11:17
Speaker 1: You really have to fucking earn it. So when someone says, oh,
11:19
Speaker 1: my name is doctor whatever, just that word alone, you
11:22
Speaker 1: instantly know a lot about that person's character in the
11:25
Speaker 1: sense of you know that they're a hard worker, that
11:28
Speaker 1: they are you willing to see something through, they're likely
11:31
Speaker 1: quite at least academically intelligent. It says a lot about
11:34
Speaker 1: that person just by using that one word at the
11:36
Speaker 1: front of their name. Now you might be thinking, well,
11:39
Speaker 1: what if that person is rich because they inherited all
11:42
Speaker 1: this money, their parents gave them all the money. But
11:45
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter. It's still about the signal they are
11:48
Speaker 1: still rich. Okay, it's still an honest signal even if
11:52
Speaker 1: you think, well, you didn't earn it. In most cases
11:55
Speaker 1: you want to see someone who's earned it. But still
11:56
Speaker 1: it's irrelevant if someone's Basically, the point is it's got
12:00
Speaker 1: to be true. Am I rich? Can I afford this thing?
12:03
Speaker 1: Can I show off with this thing to show I
12:05
Speaker 1: am rich? If the answer is yes, yes, this is yes,
12:07
Speaker 1: that it's an on a signal, okay, they truly are rich.
12:09
Speaker 1: There are some people that are born at a genetic
12:11
Speaker 1: advantage to other people, and they will show off that
12:15
Speaker 1: genetic advantage to impress people to show that they truly
12:18
Speaker 1: are stronger or fitter, or you know, you should mate
12:22
Speaker 1: with them versus somebody else. But in general, people and
12:27
Speaker 1: animals would rather show off things that they have earned
12:31
Speaker 1: versus stuff that was easy for them or stuff that
12:34
Speaker 1: anyone could get, because it is more impressive if it's
12:37
Speaker 1: really difficult for someone to get something. There's less people
12:40
Speaker 1: at the top of that pyramid. It's going to be
12:42
Speaker 1: like a you know, at the bottom of that pyramid,
12:46
Speaker 1: there's shit that everyone can obtain, and then as you
12:49
Speaker 1: climb higher and higher and higher up that pyramid, there's
12:52
Speaker 1: less and less people that are willing to sacrifice whatever
12:54
Speaker 1: it is that needs to be sacrificed to get to
12:56
Speaker 1: the top of that pyramid to obtain those things, and
12:58
Speaker 1: it's often like effort and time and sacrifices. So when
13:02
Speaker 1: you get to the top of that pyramid, you know
13:04
Speaker 1: that there's not many people standing next to you, and
13:06
Speaker 1: you know that you're going to impress a lot of people,
13:09
Speaker 1: and you're going to get a lot of people who
13:11
Speaker 1: want to get to know you, be associated with you,
13:13
Speaker 1: want to date, you want to mate with you. And
13:16
Speaker 1: often it's things that are earned because When you earn something,
13:20
Speaker 1: you can't buy, borrow, steal it, you can't fake it.
13:24
Speaker 1: When you earn something, it is honest, It is truly,
13:28
Speaker 1: truly honest. That is why I always say to people,
13:33
Speaker 1: focus on things that you can earn. And this is
13:35
Speaker 1: going to tie into a little bit what I talk
13:36
Speaker 1: about later on in this episode. But when it comes
13:38
Speaker 1: to behavior and signaling and stuff, when it comes to
13:41
Speaker 1: how you look at yourself versus and how other people
13:45
Speaker 1: look at you as well, you have to look at
13:47
Speaker 1: what is it that is an honest representation of something,
13:51
Speaker 1: and that is something that took time, effort or sacrifice.
13:55
Speaker 1: And when you earn things, you really respect yourself a
13:58
Speaker 1: whole lot more than if you were to just do
13:59
Speaker 1: something that it was accessible to absolutely everyone, and it's
14:02
Speaker 1: not special, it's not unique, it wasn't a sacrifice, it
14:05
Speaker 1: wasn't difficult to do. So that is basically the zahavior signal,
14:10
Speaker 1: and it will tie into this episode a little bit
14:12
Speaker 1: because I'm talking about perceived value versus actual value. So
14:15
Speaker 1: you're going to see how those things will link up
14:17
Speaker 1: later on. But that is the brain factor of today.
14:20
Speaker 1: It's a heavier signal, and let's get straight into the
14:24
Speaker 1: episode of today. Okay, so I'm talking today about your
14:29
Speaker 1: perceived value versus your true value. Your true value is
14:34
Speaker 1: the value that you can find within yourself that you
14:37
Speaker 1: determine for yourself. You can say I am valuable because
14:40
Speaker 1: of X, y Z, I consider myself to be valuable
14:43
Speaker 1: regardless of this. You know a person who said this
14:46
Speaker 1: to me, or this X who treated me this way,
14:48
Speaker 1: or my upbringing which was like X. Okay, So it's
14:52
Speaker 1: all about finding your own value and not getting your
14:56
Speaker 1: value confused with your perceived value in the eyes of
15:01
Speaker 1: other people. Because if you line up your value, if
15:07
Speaker 1: you determine that your value is whatever other people think
15:10
Speaker 1: it is, then it's going to be pretty skewed, okay,
15:13
Speaker 1: And it's going to be very dependent on who you
15:15
Speaker 1: happen to hang around and who you happen to interact with.
15:18
Speaker 1: Some people are going to get the luck of the
15:20
Speaker 1: draw and hang around people who just absolutely adore them
15:22
Speaker 1: all the time. They're born into this really loving family whatever,
15:26
Speaker 1: and then other people are going to get the fucking
15:27
Speaker 1: short end of the stick, and then due to that,
15:29
Speaker 1: they're just going to instantly perceive their value to be lower.
15:32
Speaker 1: When that's not the case. Okay, So when you perceive
15:37
Speaker 1: or when you believe that your value is low, or
15:40
Speaker 1: when you're always seeking to measure your value by other
15:43
Speaker 1: people's ideas and ideals, then you're going to constantly, constantly
15:48
Speaker 1: be in the state of comparison and think, well, this
15:50
Speaker 1: person said that, this person said that, and then because
15:52
Speaker 1: of that, you're constantly going to have this need to please.
15:56
Speaker 1: Instead of focusing on your own shit and working on
15:58
Speaker 1: your own shit and real working on improving yourself for
16:01
Speaker 1: your own sake, you're going to be constantly stuck in
16:04
Speaker 1: this cycle of needing to impress other people and needing
16:07
Speaker 1: to get people to see your value. And trying to
16:11
Speaker 1: get people to see your value is a very very
16:14
Speaker 1: exhausting exercise. A much simpler thing to do, not easier,
16:20
Speaker 1: especially if you're not used to it, but simpler thing
16:22
Speaker 1: to do is to see your own value and behave
16:28
Speaker 1: according to that. And what I mean by that is
16:30
Speaker 1: you're the one that determines your value, so you behave
16:32
Speaker 1: the same no matter who you're interacting with. The standard
16:34
Speaker 1: is set. You're the one that's set that. You also
16:36
Speaker 1: know how to teach people how to treat you. You
16:39
Speaker 1: know where to draw a line on certain things. You
16:40
Speaker 1: know when to walk away, you know when to stay.
16:43
Speaker 1: You're the one who's setting your value, and people can
16:45
Speaker 1: interact with you, or they don't have to interact with you,
16:48
Speaker 1: but you're not going to be dipping down here for
16:50
Speaker 1: this person and then jumping up here for this person
16:52
Speaker 1: and it's kind of all over the shop. That's the
16:54
Speaker 1: best way. And in most cases, when you value yourself
16:57
Speaker 1: quite highly, people generally respond pretty well to that. They
17:02
Speaker 1: generally do. And a good example of this is just
17:05
Speaker 1: think of anyone that you respect quite a lot. Often
17:08
Speaker 1: it's someone who's got a lot of self respect for them,
17:10
Speaker 1: You know themselves. They've got respect for themselves. They treat
17:13
Speaker 1: themselves really well, they are comfortable in their own skin,
17:17
Speaker 1: they're not second guessing themselves. And because of how they
17:21
Speaker 1: treat themselves and because of their own relationship with themselves,
17:25
Speaker 1: by just by default, people naturally gravitate to these people
17:30
Speaker 1: and respect them. You kind of they emit this energy,
17:34
Speaker 1: they emit this aura, whatever you want to call it.
17:37
Speaker 1: And you think, I'm not going to fuck with that person.
17:40
Speaker 1: I respect them, I'm kind of impressed by them, Okay,
17:45
Speaker 1: versus someone who's constantly trying to please you here, please
17:48
Speaker 1: you there. It doesn't make you respect them more. You
17:50
Speaker 1: might think, oh that's really sweet, Oh that's kind, but
17:51
Speaker 1: you don't think, oh fuck, wow, this person's impressive. You
17:54
Speaker 1: don't think that. Unfortunately you don't. Now, I also want
17:57
Speaker 1: you to look at value as something being relative relative
18:01
Speaker 1: to the individual. So if you think that someone has
18:05
Speaker 1: a high value, let's look at you and the people
18:08
Speaker 1: that are in your life. So let's talk about you know,
18:10
Speaker 1: all the people that are in your life, whether their
18:12
Speaker 1: acquaintance is a stranger, a friend, or lover, whatever. If
18:15
Speaker 1: you think someone has a high value, you are saying
18:19
Speaker 1: you have a high value in comparison to other people
18:22
Speaker 1: that are in my life. And everybody feels that way.
18:24
Speaker 1: You don't value everyone in the same way because and
18:28
Speaker 1: it's not saying about human like basic human respect. I'm
18:31
Speaker 1: not talking about treating people with basic respect. I'm talking
18:34
Speaker 1: about the value that someone provides in your life. And
18:38
Speaker 1: everyone sits differently on that rung. There's a very few
18:43
Speaker 1: people at the very top of that rung. We've all
18:44
Speaker 1: got the you know, probably what you would consider you're
18:47
Speaker 1: inner circle. And then people start, you know, trickling down
18:51
Speaker 1: that rung, and it's not that you disrespect them, but
18:53
Speaker 1: an absolute stranger on the side of the road. For
18:55
Speaker 1: me personally, it does not provide noway near as much
18:58
Speaker 1: value as my family does to me obviously, right, So
19:01
Speaker 1: it's got nothing to do with who is a more
19:03
Speaker 1: valuable person. It's objectively who is more valuable to me
19:07
Speaker 1: as an individual and we all have that. So if
19:10
Speaker 1: you start thinking, oh, but that person doesn't value me,
19:12
Speaker 1: so that must mean that my value is low. No,
19:15
Speaker 1: that's not the case. That person doesn't feel that you
19:19
Speaker 1: are as valuable to them in comparison to other people
19:22
Speaker 1: in their lives. That says nothing about your own value
19:26
Speaker 1: as a human and how you view your own value.
19:30
Speaker 1: And relationships are built on a value exchange. Everything is
19:36
Speaker 1: built on a value exchange. If you are constantly giving
19:40
Speaker 1: and pleasing and in this people pleaser kind of thing
19:43
Speaker 1: and doing things for someone, going out of your way,
19:46
Speaker 1: doing all these favors, dedicating your time, basically being like
19:50
Speaker 1: a borderline marta. If you're always doing that and you're
19:53
Speaker 1: not receiving the equivalent value, then you're likely not valued
19:59
Speaker 1: for what you are giving. It's just not valued enough.
20:03
Speaker 1: I think that every relationship should be a value exchange
20:08
Speaker 1: kind of with no exception really, because you either have
20:11
Speaker 1: a relationship with someone and it's a you know you
20:14
Speaker 1: and your client, that is value for money. That's a
20:17
Speaker 1: value exchange. If it's a relationship with the friend, it's
20:20
Speaker 1: because you both provide something that is beneficial to the
20:22
Speaker 1: friendship and it's mutually beneficial. If it's a parent child,
20:26
Speaker 1: there's the love exchange there and the parent wants the child,
20:30
Speaker 1: and the value that they get out of that when
20:32
Speaker 1: they're a newborn baby that's not doing much is the
20:34
Speaker 1: fact that they are feeling fulfilled. And obviously I don't
20:37
Speaker 1: need to go into what value a baby provides for
20:39
Speaker 1: a parent. It's a fucking lot. And obviously the parent
20:42
Speaker 1: provides a lot of value to the baby because it's
20:43
Speaker 1: keeping the baby alive. So every relationship is a value exchange.
20:48
Speaker 1: If you are in a relationship where you think this
20:50
Speaker 1: person is getting a lot more out of this relationship
20:52
Speaker 1: than I am, they likely do not value you the
20:56
Speaker 1: way you value them. That is what's happening. There's no
20:59
Speaker 1: other way of life looking at it. If you are
21:01
Speaker 1: in a relationship and you are always doing everything everything
21:04
Speaker 1: in the household. You're doing the emotional lifting. You're the
21:07
Speaker 1: one who's caring for the kids. You're the one who's
21:09
Speaker 1: absolutely doing everything, and the other person just still has
21:12
Speaker 1: all their freedoms and is doing this and is doing that.
21:14
Speaker 1: I can tell you right now, they don't value you
21:17
Speaker 1: the way a they should and the way you probably
21:19
Speaker 1: value them. Because if you're saying, have all the freedoms,
21:22
Speaker 1: have this, I'm going to do this, I'm going to
21:23
Speaker 1: do everything. I'm going to do everything. I'm going to
21:25
Speaker 1: perish the children. There's a fucked value dynamic going on here.
21:31
Speaker 1: And I don't know how you want to frame it.
21:33
Speaker 1: I don't know what delusions you want to tell yourself.
21:35
Speaker 1: You are just not valued the way you value them.
21:37
Speaker 1: End off story. And a lot of the time it
21:40
Speaker 1: takes the person leaving the relationship, leaving a friendship, leaving
21:45
Speaker 1: a dynamic, leaving an employee employer situation for the person
21:51
Speaker 1: who wasn't valuing the other person to be like, oh
21:53
Speaker 1: my god, oh my god, what have I lost? Oh
21:55
Speaker 1: my god, I didn't value them. They took it for granted,
21:57
Speaker 1: And a lot of people do that, and in a
21:59
Speaker 1: lot of k is unfortunately you'll leave and they're just
22:03
Speaker 1: the kind of person that is able to replace that
22:07
Speaker 1: you know, void quite easily. Unfortunately or maybe fortunately, However
22:11
Speaker 1: you want to look at it, so maybe they'll never
22:14
Speaker 1: notice the value that you provided. Either way, it's not
22:17
Speaker 1: worth staying in a situation where there's a skewed value dynamic,
22:21
Speaker 1: and if it's not an even value exchange. It's not
22:24
Speaker 1: that you have to do the same thing for each other,
22:26
Speaker 1: but you have to equally provide value for each other
22:29
Speaker 1: and equally know each other's value and acknowledge each other's value.
22:33
Speaker 1: Another example of this when we're not even looking at
22:36
Speaker 1: human to human value. When you are given something for free,
22:40
Speaker 1: you often will value it less than if you had
22:44
Speaker 1: paid for it. Okay, that is just human psychology, basic
22:49
Speaker 1: human psychology. A lot of people will value something if
22:53
Speaker 1: they are paying for it because there was a sacrifice.
22:58
Speaker 1: And if you sacrifice something, you think I need that
23:01
Speaker 1: there's the value. I know what it's cost me. It
23:04
Speaker 1: has cost me something. If you get something for free,
23:07
Speaker 1: it doesn't cost you as much. If someone gives you
23:09
Speaker 1: a free gym membership, you might not actually use it,
23:13
Speaker 1: but if you have to pay one hundred bucks, a week.
23:15
Speaker 1: I mean, that's probably quite a lot for a gym membership.
23:17
Speaker 1: Let's say you're paying a hundred bucks a week. You're
23:19
Speaker 1: gonna fucking go there all the time because you're like,
23:22
Speaker 1: I need bang for my buck. I need to really
23:25
Speaker 1: milk the value out of this. Otherwise it's a waste
23:28
Speaker 1: of resources, it's a waste of money. And a lot
23:31
Speaker 1: of the time people will actually spend more money on
23:34
Speaker 1: something because they think they're going to get more value
23:36
Speaker 1: out of it. A lot of the time things are
23:38
Speaker 1: priced higher because of this psychology that people have. I'm
23:43
Speaker 1: going to value this thing more. I'm going to put
23:46
Speaker 1: more time and effort into this thing because I've paid
23:48
Speaker 1: more money. It sounds weird, but people sometimes benefit more
23:52
Speaker 1: from paying more for something because they are going to
23:56
Speaker 1: value it more. They're going to invest more time in it,
23:57
Speaker 1: they're going to do it properly, they're going to really
24:02
Speaker 1: be focused to be invested in it because of the
24:05
Speaker 1: investment that they've made financially. So, if you use that
24:10
Speaker 1: analogy and you are constantly giving something to someone for free,
24:15
Speaker 1: you're always giving them your time, your energy. You're getting
24:17
Speaker 1: nothing in return. You keep giving them your time, your
24:19
Speaker 1: energy favors. You're running around your being their little minion.
24:22
Speaker 1: They're not gonna value you anymore. And the more you
24:24
Speaker 1: do for them, if they're never reciprocating, don't think that
24:28
Speaker 1: they're going to, oh, okay, you've reached the threshold, now
24:30
Speaker 1: i'll respect you. It doesn't work that way. So if
24:32
Speaker 1: you're in a dynamic, this happens often with a lot
24:35
Speaker 1: of friends, especially when you're younger in high school. There's normally,
24:37
Speaker 1: well maybe not normally, but often there's kind of a
24:40
Speaker 1: ring leader who bosses people around, and there's a few
24:42
Speaker 1: people that can crack into that ring leader's group where
24:44
Speaker 1: they where it's a mutual relationship, and there's a lot
24:47
Speaker 1: of people that will always people please, people please, people please,
24:49
Speaker 1: and they never get that respect from that ring leader
24:53
Speaker 1: of the group. And sometimes this carries on into adult
24:56
Speaker 1: relationships as well. But it's this idea that when you
24:59
Speaker 1: do something for me and you keep doing it for
25:02
Speaker 1: me for free, in other words, you're not requiring anything
25:05
Speaker 1: in it in return, You're not require you are not
25:08
Speaker 1: requiring my respect, my time, my effort in return. Then
25:13
Speaker 1: I'm not going to value it because you keep giving
25:15
Speaker 1: it to me for free. So why am I all
25:17
Speaker 1: of a sudden going to start working for it? I'm not.
25:20
Speaker 1: So you have to really pay attention to how you
25:23
Speaker 1: behave around people. And it's not saying don't be nice
25:25
Speaker 1: or don't but it's saying, don't be taken for a ride,
25:29
Speaker 1: because if someone's taking you for a ride, they just
25:31
Speaker 1: don't valuate enough because they've been getting it for free
25:34
Speaker 1: for so long. If you get something for free all
25:37
Speaker 1: the time, you're not going to value it as much
25:39
Speaker 1: as if you had paid for it. And payment, in
25:41
Speaker 1: this regard is effort, okay, So if someone's not returning
25:46
Speaker 1: the effort, then it's likely that they're not valuing what
25:48
Speaker 1: you're putting down. Now, you can call them out on it,
25:52
Speaker 1: and you can bring it up and this may, you know,
25:55
Speaker 1: make them think, oh fuck, I'm going to lose this person.
25:57
Speaker 1: That's perfectly fine, and people do that all the time
25:59
Speaker 1: and off and it is enough to shake someone up.
26:01
Speaker 1: But in a lot of situations, you may just have
26:03
Speaker 1: to walk away because you may never get what you
26:05
Speaker 1: want from this person because they just don't value you enough.
26:10
Speaker 1: And can you see how all of what I've just
26:12
Speaker 1: said does not correlate with your actual value at all.
26:17
Speaker 1: Whether it's fair or if it's unfair, it doesn't matter.
26:20
Speaker 1: It doesn't correlate with your value as a person, because
26:22
Speaker 1: they might not need you, they might not align with
26:26
Speaker 1: you based on your interaction. They might believe that they
26:29
Speaker 1: hold too much of the power in the dynamics, so
26:31
Speaker 1: they don't value your time or your opinion as much
26:34
Speaker 1: as maybe someone who they see as their quote unquote
26:37
Speaker 1: equal as far as power dynamic is concerned. So, due
26:40
Speaker 1: to all these reasons, having nothing to do with your personality,
26:44
Speaker 1: how kind you are, what you have to offer, they
26:47
Speaker 1: just based on their needs and the people around them.
26:50
Speaker 1: They don't value what you have to offer in comparison
26:54
Speaker 1: to other things. So can you see how skewed it is?
26:57
Speaker 1: If you also took that and thought, well, that person
27:00
Speaker 1: values me that way, I'm gonna think the same thing.
27:02
Speaker 1: It's wild. It's wild because you're looking at it from
27:05
Speaker 1: someone's eyes instead of from your own eyes, and you
27:08
Speaker 1: should never do that. You should never do that. How
27:11
Speaker 1: someone values you does not determine your level of value,
27:16
Speaker 1: nor does it mean that they don't think you're valuable. So,
27:20
Speaker 1: for example, I can genuinely see that a particular collector's item,
27:26
Speaker 1: for example, is valuable, but it has no direct value
27:29
Speaker 1: to me. Would I treat let's talk about a coin collection,
27:32
Speaker 1: Would I treat it the way a collector would know?
27:35
Speaker 1: Would I even know if something has a certain value
27:37
Speaker 1: or not, or if something's rare and special. Probably not so.
27:41
Speaker 1: Just because someone does not value it doesn't mean that
27:46
Speaker 1: it's determining that thing's value. If I don't value something,
27:49
Speaker 1: a collector across the road is gonna be like, oh
27:51
Speaker 1: my fucking god, that thing has so much value, what
27:53
Speaker 1: are you doing. Let me have it. I'll be like, yeh,
27:55
Speaker 1: I have it because I don't value it. But it
27:58
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that once I see that this person sees
28:01
Speaker 1: value in it, it doesn't mean that I can't acknowledge that
28:03
Speaker 1: it's valuable. It just holds no value to me. And
28:07
Speaker 1: so people are like that as well. You might have
28:09
Speaker 1: interacted with people who you think they never saw my value.
28:12
Speaker 1: Fuck them, fuck this, fuck them. Fuck they didn't see
28:17
Speaker 1: your value because maybe you just weren't valuable as far
28:19
Speaker 1: as what you can provide to them compared to other people.
28:22
Speaker 1: To them, it doesn't make them a bad person. Definitely
28:25
Speaker 1: doesn't make you a bad person. It's just we're not
28:28
Speaker 1: a match, we're not a fit, and I need to
28:30
Speaker 1: take my energy elsewhere. And if I stand here and
28:34
Speaker 1: if I feel bitter, and if I feel hard done by,
28:37
Speaker 1: then I'm just going to continue brewing and brewing and
28:40
Speaker 1: festering and festering, and I'm not actually going to be
28:43
Speaker 1: enjoying myself at all, instead of thinking simple, we're not
28:47
Speaker 1: a good match for whatever reason, and I don't need
28:49
Speaker 1: to know the reason. I'm just not valued. This person
28:51
Speaker 1: doesn't doesn't value me how they would value a different relationship.
28:56
Speaker 1: It's not my job to be showing them what my
28:59
Speaker 1: value is. It is not my job to be selling
29:01
Speaker 1: myself to them or to be convincing. As long as
29:04
Speaker 1: I've done my part and brought my true self forward
29:06
Speaker 1: and tried to be honest. If that's not enough for them,
29:08
Speaker 1: then I can take my shit elsewhere. Okay, because how
29:13
Speaker 1: someone per saves my value has nothing to do with
29:16
Speaker 1: my actual value. So how do you then move from that? Okay,
29:23
Speaker 1: now we determine Okay, great, we're at that point now
29:25
Speaker 1: where we can see why we absolutely should not be
29:27
Speaker 1: seeking to determine our value based on how other people
29:30
Speaker 1: see our value for all those factors that I just mentioned.
29:33
Speaker 1: But when it comes to feeling valuable, how do you
29:35
Speaker 1: go about it? Because it's not about trying to find
29:37
Speaker 1: someone who does say, oh, I see the value in you.
29:40
Speaker 1: I'm going to tell you that I adore you, because
29:42
Speaker 1: you are going to find people in your life who
29:44
Speaker 1: will love you and who will see the value and
29:46
Speaker 1: where their value more than anyone else. You are going
29:48
Speaker 1: to find people like that in your life, friends, romantic partners,
29:52
Speaker 1: family members, all sorts of your pets. There's so many
29:56
Speaker 1: individuals on this earth who will see your value. At
30:00
Speaker 1: the end of the day, it still has to come
30:02
Speaker 1: from you because other people have shit going on in
30:05
Speaker 1: their lives constantly, and it's going to fluctuate, and you
30:08
Speaker 1: might have an argument with someone or you might have this.
30:10
Speaker 1: If you're not the person that determines your value and
30:14
Speaker 1: then you align with people who see the value, then
30:19
Speaker 1: you're constantly going to be in this battle. So how
30:22
Speaker 1: so how are you going to go about it? To
30:25
Speaker 1: feel value, you must provide it and you must feel
30:31
Speaker 1: like you provide it. And this is a process driven thing.
30:35
Speaker 1: It's not a results driven thing. You're not doing this
30:38
Speaker 1: providing value for accolades or for praise, or to be
30:42
Speaker 1: noticed by anyone other than yourself. But it's to recognize
30:47
Speaker 1: your own value that you provide for others. And I'm
30:51
Speaker 1: not talking about I'm gonna, you know, mop my friend's
30:54
Speaker 1: flaws because that's valuable to them. That's the opposite of
30:56
Speaker 1: what I'm talking about. Actually, I'm talking about the value
31:00
Speaker 1: that you provide to you know, it could be to
31:04
Speaker 1: society by the work that you do. It could be
31:06
Speaker 1: to nature because you tend to this fucking nature strip whatever,
31:11
Speaker 1: or because you care for this animal, or because you
31:13
Speaker 1: go and help out at this place or whatever. The
31:17
Speaker 1: value that you provide to other people in general, it's
31:20
Speaker 1: when you can see that your work has contributed to something.
31:27
Speaker 1: The work that you do, the effort that you have
31:30
Speaker 1: put in, has contributed to helping something or someone, And
31:36
Speaker 1: it comes down to making a difference. So what I
31:39
Speaker 1: mean by not mopping your friends fall is if you've
31:41
Speaker 1: got someone that's always getting shited done for them, everything
31:44
Speaker 1: gets done for them, they never have to worry, and
31:47
Speaker 1: then you go and try and keep doing more things
31:48
Speaker 1: for them. You're not going to be valued or noticed
31:51
Speaker 1: because you're not really providing that much value if it's
31:55
Speaker 1: already being done. But if you can think, Okay, maybe
31:58
Speaker 1: my value is in the fact that I have this
32:01
Speaker 1: job where truly I feel valuable. People need my services
32:05
Speaker 1: and I am able to provide those services. Or maybe
32:08
Speaker 1: I've really like to volunteer at this place where literally
32:11
Speaker 1: for me going and doing that thing that day, I
32:14
Speaker 1: can directly see how I helped. Or maybe my value
32:17
Speaker 1: is in providing comedy people genuinely are laughing. I am
32:22
Speaker 1: providing people a relief from whatever stresses they have in
32:25
Speaker 1: their life, and I'm funny and I'm really witty, and
32:28
Speaker 1: that's how I'm providing value. Or it could be what
32:31
Speaker 1: a fuck you want it to be, okay, but it's
32:34
Speaker 1: you feeling that you are providing value in a process
32:38
Speaker 1: driven thing. It's something that the process of doing it
32:41
Speaker 1: is where you feel valuable. It's not ah, I won
32:46
Speaker 1: this thing, Oh I achieved this thing, or I have
32:50
Speaker 1: to do it. I have to get this exact result.
32:52
Speaker 1: I have to have people love me. I have to
32:54
Speaker 1: have that person be impressed. I have to That's all
32:56
Speaker 1: external factors that you can't really control. That's why I
32:59
Speaker 1: say it should be a process driven thing. Okay. So
33:02
Speaker 1: for example, with me and my podcast, I don't know
33:05
Speaker 1: exactly how many people are going to listen to each episode.
33:07
Speaker 1: I don't know exactly the trajectory of you know, I
33:10
Speaker 1: can only try to be putting out x amount of
33:12
Speaker 1: content that I think is going to be valuable to people.
33:15
Speaker 1: But ultimately it's a process driven thing. I'm doing it
33:19
Speaker 1: for the process of it. I'm doing it because I
33:20
Speaker 1: enjoy the daily thing. It's not this end goal that
33:24
Speaker 1: I have. And this self recognition of value, you recognizing
33:30
Speaker 1: the value that you provide for something someone, whether it
33:34
Speaker 1: be nature, people, animals, whatever. When you recognize that you
33:40
Speaker 1: are providing something, then you start to feel valuable. And
33:45
Speaker 1: this comes down This kind of relates back to the
33:48
Speaker 1: Zahavian signal that I was talking about. If you earn something,
33:53
Speaker 1: then it's honest, okay, And if it was costly, then
33:57
Speaker 1: it's honest. So that's why I think it's really important
33:59
Speaker 1: to invest. And again what I was talking about, when
34:03
Speaker 1: people value something because they've spent money on it versus
34:06
Speaker 1: if they got it for free, every time you invest,
34:09
Speaker 1: you value it more. When you invest time in acquiring
34:12
Speaker 1: a skill, you value having that skill a lot more
34:16
Speaker 1: than if you were just born with it and it
34:17
Speaker 1: was just a natural gift. Right, If you work hard
34:22
Speaker 1: to learn something, you value it because it was fucking
34:25
Speaker 1: hard work. If it took you months to be able
34:28
Speaker 1: to lift x amount of kilos at the gym, you
34:31
Speaker 1: really value the strength that you've gained because you understand
34:35
Speaker 1: the effort behind it. Effort equals respect for yourself. So
34:41
Speaker 1: you've got to think, what is it that I can
34:43
Speaker 1: earn that's going to cost me something, whether it be time, raceources,
34:48
Speaker 1: you know, investing something, whether it be money or whatever
34:51
Speaker 1: into this thing. Where I have to earn something, where
34:55
Speaker 1: it is a sacrifice and where it's process driven, then
35:00
Speaker 1: you're going to start to feel your value increase and increase.
35:03
Speaker 1: And you've got to think, how can I provide value
35:06
Speaker 1: to others and in the right places. Because now that
35:10
Speaker 1: you can understand, well, this person doesn't value me for
35:13
Speaker 1: this reason, I'm not going to go on a rampage
35:15
Speaker 1: hating them. I just need to realize that in this
35:18
Speaker 1: particular area, my resources and what I have to offer
35:21
Speaker 1: is not being valued. I need to shift that. I
35:23
Speaker 1: need to find a place where I can genuinely provide
35:25
Speaker 1: value and me, trying to convince someone off my value
35:29
Speaker 1: does not make that person see my value. Often, when
35:34
Speaker 1: you try and convince someone of your value, I want
35:37
Speaker 1: you to see my worth. I want this person to
35:39
Speaker 1: see my worth. That's like a beggar, and they're not
35:42
Speaker 1: going to see your worth. Unfortunately, people don't respond well
35:45
Speaker 1: to beggars. No one wants. It's like people who fish
35:49
Speaker 1: for compliments. It's really uncomfortable when someone's fishing for compliments,
35:54
Speaker 1: and then you kind of feel cornered to give this
35:55
Speaker 1: person a compliment, and then it feels really inauthentic and
35:58
Speaker 1: just awkward if you were just able to give them
36:01
Speaker 1: a compliment. It's like if I want to compliment someone,
36:04
Speaker 1: and then before I get to compliment them, they're fishing
36:06
Speaker 1: for the compliment. I don't want to give them the
36:08
Speaker 1: compliment because I'm like, now, it just doesn't feel authentic,
36:10
Speaker 1: it doesn't feel real, it's not honest. Okay, So everything
36:15
Speaker 1: comes down to this honesty. If someone's not seeing your value,
36:19
Speaker 1: you don't stand there and beg them to see your
36:22
Speaker 1: worth and begging them to see your value. You appreciate
36:25
Speaker 1: that maybe for whatever reason, cruel or not cruel, they
36:28
Speaker 1: just don't see it because it's actually of no value
36:32
Speaker 1: to them, or because there's other things in their horizon
36:35
Speaker 1: and so you're just not an obvious one, or because
36:37
Speaker 1: they just don't need what it is that you're providing.
36:40
Speaker 1: The energy that it takes to get someone to see
36:42
Speaker 1: your value could be spent doing like, way better things,
36:46
Speaker 1: way better things. And when you put that energy and
36:49
Speaker 1: that time and that investment into yourself and earning some something,
36:56
Speaker 1: working hard for something, you know, sacrificing something, and then
37:01
Speaker 1: diverting where you provide value, and then finding the right
37:06
Speaker 1: place where it's a right fit you're going to find,
37:10
Speaker 1: everything's going to change for you. Because if you're hitting
37:13
Speaker 1: your head against the wall, banging your head against the wall,
37:15
Speaker 1: not only you know, wanting someone to see your value
37:18
Speaker 1: or see your worth, not only is that not getting
37:19
Speaker 1: them it doesn't work, doesn't get them to see your
37:21
Speaker 1: worth just because you ask them to, but you also
37:25
Speaker 1: diminish the value in your own eyes because you're in
37:28
Speaker 1: an environment where you're unable to thrive. You're in an
37:30
Speaker 1: environment where someone's not valuing you, someone's not respecting you,
37:33
Speaker 1: and you keep repeating the same thing again and again
37:35
Speaker 1: and again and again, and it takes removing yourself from
37:38
Speaker 1: that environment to be able to be like WHOA. I
37:42
Speaker 1: was in a really skewed My perspective was very skewed
37:44
Speaker 1: because I was in this bubble. And when I remove
37:47
Speaker 1: myself from that bubble, you realize I don't actually need
37:50
Speaker 1: that person to see my value because it's not going
37:54
Speaker 1: to change how I value myself. And if someone's not
37:57
Speaker 1: going to value me, they're kind of doing me a
37:59
Speaker 1: favor because it helps me know which relationships are a
38:02
Speaker 1: green flag and it's a go, and which relationships are not.
38:05
Speaker 1: It's not the worst thing in the world for someone
38:07
Speaker 1: to not see your value and for you to know that,
38:10
Speaker 1: because it allows you to determine which relationships are a
38:13
Speaker 1: good fit and which ones are not a good fit.
38:15
Speaker 1: I remember I used to be so upset or heard
38:18
Speaker 1: if I used to have a crush on someone and
38:20
Speaker 1: they didn't like me back, and I used to think, Oh, well,
38:22
Speaker 1: you know, maybe they don't see my value, maybe this,
38:24
Speaker 1: maybe that. Yet, maybe they didn't see my value. It
38:27
Speaker 1: doesn't make them a bad person for who that. Everyone's
38:30
Speaker 1: a different individual, we're all wired differently. Not everyone values
38:33
Speaker 1: the same thing. And given that not everyone values the
38:35
Speaker 1: same thing. You can't expect everyone to value what you
38:39
Speaker 1: have to offer. There's going to be some people that
38:40
Speaker 1: fucking are here for it that can't get enough of you,
38:43
Speaker 1: and other people that are like the next that just
38:47
Speaker 1: absolutely don't say it doesn't make them a bad person.
38:50
Speaker 1: So save yourself the time and energy. Understand every time
38:53
Speaker 1: that you don't feel valued, Understand there's a difference between
38:56
Speaker 1: external perceived value and your own actual value. The only person,
39:02
Speaker 1: the only person in this world that can determine your
39:06
Speaker 1: actual value is you, and it's how you feel within yourself.
39:10
Speaker 1: You can have every person around you tell you that
39:12
Speaker 1: you're valuable and still not feel it, or you can
39:15
Speaker 1: feel really valuable and have other people not see it.
39:17
Speaker 1: What would you rather, I'd rather feel really valuable. I'd
39:20
Speaker 1: rather be like, all right, you don't see it, not
39:21
Speaker 1: a problem. I'm gonna find you a better group of
39:24
Speaker 1: people to interact with as in a better fit for me.
39:27
Speaker 1: You know. And if you're in a situation where you're
39:31
Speaker 1: constantly not seeing your value, it's likely because you've been
39:34
Speaker 1: in situations and relationships where it's just not been a
39:39
Speaker 1: good exchange. Like I was talking about earlier, a value exchange,
39:44
Speaker 1: and if you have always been in that situation, whether
39:47
Speaker 1: it be with friends or partners or whatever, it's really
39:50
Speaker 1: hard to break that and to think, oh, I can
39:52
Speaker 1: just provide this for myself, But you can. You can
39:55
Speaker 1: provide that for yourself. And it's going to feel weird
39:57
Speaker 1: at the start if you're not used to it. But
39:59
Speaker 1: once you get a taste of providing your own value
40:02
Speaker 1: for yourself, then you'll never want to go back to
40:05
Speaker 1: any other dynamic. Ever. You just have to keep reminding
40:09
Speaker 1: yourself for whatever. And ideally you want to label why
40:13
Speaker 1: it is that probably they don't see your value where
40:16
Speaker 1: a maybe just not a good fit. You know, they
40:19
Speaker 1: what they seek out is completely not what I'm offering.
40:22
Speaker 1: B my behavior around them, I've been putting them on
40:25
Speaker 1: such a pedestal that they're not going to respect me
40:27
Speaker 1: because I've not you know, they're not having to. There's
40:30
Speaker 1: no value exchanging. I'm just giving, giving, giving, and they
40:33
Speaker 1: don't have to give anything. It's free, so they're just
40:34
Speaker 1: not valuing that as much. That's another possibility. See, I
40:38
Speaker 1: maybe have not been valuing myself. So what I'm putting
40:41
Speaker 1: forward is, you know, maybe I'm not showing how I
40:45
Speaker 1: respect myself and how I like myself and how much I,
40:48
Speaker 1: you know, value myself, and often that is that is
40:51
Speaker 1: really read subconsciously by people. It's really easy to read
40:56
Speaker 1: in someone's body language when they love themselves versus when
40:59
Speaker 1: they don't, or when they have really high levels of
41:01
Speaker 1: respect for themselves versus when they don't. Okay, so these
41:04
Speaker 1: things can be changed, but it all starts with you,
41:07
Speaker 1: and it all starts with you understanding what your value
41:10
Speaker 1: is compared to how other people see your value. They're
41:14
Speaker 1: two very very different things. And it doesn't make you
41:16
Speaker 1: a bad person if someone doesn't see your value, and
41:19
Speaker 1: it doesn't make them a bad person if someone doesn't
41:21
Speaker 1: see your value. But it's not what you need to
41:23
Speaker 1: be focusing on. You can you should only be focusing
41:25
Speaker 1: on your own value. The more you focus on it,
41:27
Speaker 1: by default, people will value you more because you've set
41:30
Speaker 1: a standard. If you don't set the standard, other people
41:33
Speaker 1: will set that standard for you, and you don't want
41:35
Speaker 1: to find yourself in that position. All right, guys, I
41:38
Speaker 1: hope you found that interesting. I hope you got a
41:40
Speaker 1: lot out of that. We've got the listener question. Thank
41:46
Speaker 1: you for listening. Okay, time for the listener question your
41:50
Speaker 1: opinion on Facebook friends with the male partners of female friends.
41:56
Speaker 1: I am Facebook friends with one such guy, and I'm
41:59
Speaker 1: being a bit at times, and I'm beginning to wonder
42:02
Speaker 1: if it's a problem for her. So this has written
42:04
Speaker 1: a bit cryptically, I think so basically, you are friends
42:08
Speaker 1: with a female and I'm guessing you're a female and
42:11
Speaker 1: you are friends with her partner on Facebook. She hasn't
42:14
Speaker 1: said anything about it, but I am sensing that the friend,
42:18
Speaker 1: not a close friend, may be a bit worried as
42:21
Speaker 1: she has made comments on her insecurities about men. Do
42:24
Speaker 1: I raise the issue and reassure her that I am
42:27
Speaker 1: no threat to the relationship, or do I unfriend him.
42:31
Speaker 1: I'm a little bit irked having to do so. Not
42:33
Speaker 1: because I am desperate to be friends. I just don't
42:36
Speaker 1: have many male friends, which I would like, as I
42:39
Speaker 1: felt he could be one such friend and I wouldn't
42:41
Speaker 1: have to worry about him hitting on me. I have
42:43
Speaker 1: zero interest other than thinking he is a decent bloke.
42:46
Speaker 1: I don't like being controlled by others as I'm free,
42:49
Speaker 1: as I'm a free spirit and happy on my own. Okay,
42:52
Speaker 1: in my opinion, obviously you're asking for my opinion lol,
42:56
Speaker 1: But in my opinion, just off the bat, I don't
42:59
Speaker 1: think there is absolutely anything wrong with having a friendship
43:03
Speaker 1: with someone who has a partner. Obviously, like, there's absolutely
43:08
Speaker 1: nothing wrong with that if it is a respectful friendship
43:10
Speaker 1: and everyone is, you know, being decent and normal. You
43:15
Speaker 1: mentioned that this person has insecurities about men. This is
43:19
Speaker 1: more something to do with her and her partner. I
43:22
Speaker 1: don't think it's got anything to do with you, And
43:24
Speaker 1: I don't think that you need to be troubling yourself
43:27
Speaker 1: with should I be the one unfriending or not unfriending
43:31
Speaker 1: or whatever? You know. I personally don't think that anyone
43:33
Speaker 1: should have to unfriend a friend at all. I think
43:36
Speaker 1: that's that would be unhealthy regardless, But if that was
43:40
Speaker 1: to happen, that would have to be a discussion between
43:42
Speaker 1: the two of them, And I'm like I again, I
43:45
Speaker 1: don't think a partner should ever say to their partner
43:47
Speaker 1: you can't have friends of the other gender or of
43:49
Speaker 1: a threatening gender on your Facebook. I find that unhealthy.
43:53
Speaker 1: But regardless, that is a discussion for the two of
43:56
Speaker 1: them to have. I don't think that you need to
43:57
Speaker 1: burden yourself with this responsibility of allowing yourself to be
44:00
Speaker 1: a friend or not, especially when this girl has not
44:03
Speaker 1: approached you directly having a problem with it. Also, if
44:06
Speaker 1: you're checking your behavior and if you say to yourself,
44:09
Speaker 1: would I behave towards this guy the same way with
44:13
Speaker 1: her being there and without her being there, then it's
44:15
Speaker 1: likely that the relationship that you have in the dynamic
44:18
Speaker 1: of the relationship that there's nothing wrong. If deep down
44:21
Speaker 1: you're like, oh, but there's a bit of flirting here
44:23
Speaker 1: and there, then you might have some guilt around that
44:26
Speaker 1: because you think, oh, you know, I feel bad because
44:28
Speaker 1: he's saying stuff to me that I know he wouldn't
44:30
Speaker 1: say in front of her. But if that's not the case,
44:32
Speaker 1: and if it's truly a relationship that would not be
44:36
Speaker 1: in the slightest different if she was there versus if
44:39
Speaker 1: she wasn't present, then I don't think it's anything that
44:42
Speaker 1: you have to concern yourself with at all. Okay, you're
44:45
Speaker 1: also asked if I think that you should raise the
44:48
Speaker 1: issue and reassure her that you're no threat to the relationship. No,
44:53
Speaker 1: I also wouldn't do that because then it sheds light
44:57
Speaker 1: I feel like I know I just feel like, if
45:01
Speaker 1: she has a big enough problem, it's something that she
45:03
Speaker 1: could raise it with you, But she also might not
45:06
Speaker 1: be threatened at all, and then if you raise it,
45:09
Speaker 1: she'd be like, should I fucking have something to worry about?
45:12
Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean? Maybe she just does
45:14
Speaker 1: not see you as a threat, Maybe she just trusts you.
45:16
Speaker 1: Maybe she just gets a good vibe off you. It's
45:18
Speaker 1: not really affected her and the slightest and then for
45:21
Speaker 1: you to bring it up, it causes her to be
45:23
Speaker 1: questioning something that maybe she never really questioned in the past,
45:26
Speaker 1: even though she did say that she's got insecurities you
45:28
Speaker 1: know about man, But you know, I think it's on
45:31
Speaker 1: a case by case basis. I think that a lot
45:32
Speaker 1: of people who have certain insecurities might have certain situations
45:35
Speaker 1: where they trust people heaps and others where they don't
45:38
Speaker 1: so much. So, if I were you, if she's not
45:41
Speaker 1: raised anything personally about you, if you don't see that
45:43
Speaker 1: this has changed the dynamic between you and this woman
45:46
Speaker 1: at all, if you think that there's no underlying thing
45:48
Speaker 1: that needs to be said but isn't being said because
45:50
Speaker 1: she's uncomfortable. If everything's the same and normal and across
45:52
Speaker 1: the board. I would just business as usual. I'd keep
45:55
Speaker 1: doing what I'm doing. I don't think there's anything wrong
45:57
Speaker 1: with that. If you know that you're doing nothing that's inappropriate,
46:00
Speaker 1: then you're fine. That's my advice. That's what I would do.
46:04
Speaker 1: Good times. That's the listener question for today, short and sweet.
46:07
Speaker 1: Um again, if you do want to write into the
46:09
Speaker 1: listener questions, please just email that info at dyfmpod dot com.
46:15
Speaker 1: That is all for today. I love you guys so much,
46:17
Speaker 1: and shout out to all my global beans, to all
46:19
Speaker 1: my global listeners. Shout out to my listeners in Dublin.
46:22
Speaker 1: There's quite a few of you guys. Love you so much,
46:24
Speaker 1: so I thought i'd do a little international shout out there.
46:28
Speaker 1: As always, guys, please remember be kind to yourself, be
46:30
Speaker 1: kind to your brand, don't take shit from anyone, and
46:32
Speaker 1: especially don't take shit from yourself. Don't care