Latest / All Mom Does Podcast with Julie Lyles Carr / The Joyful Child with Kira Willey

Transcript

The Joyful Child with Kira Willey · All Mom Does Podcast with Julie Lyles Carr

0:01
Speaker 1: Purposely, so say that your life God's purpose. Listen at
0:06
Speaker 1: purposely dot com. Take just a couple of seconds to say, hey,
0:11
Speaker 1: what are you doing? You know, what are you drawing?
0:13
Speaker 1: What are you building? Here? A couple of seconds of conversation,
0:15
Speaker 1: and then say it's time to go find your back
0:20
Speaker 1: back Now, they feel connected with you, seen and heard,
0:23
Speaker 1: and they're much more likely to cooperate easily go along
0:28
Speaker 1: with what needs to happen.
0:32
Speaker 2: Hey, friends, you're listening to the Almanda's podcast, part of
0:35
Speaker 2: the purposely podcast network. The whole point, the whole thing
0:38
Speaker 2: we're doing here is coming to you and letting you
0:40
Speaker 2: know a you are not alone in this mom thing.
0:44
Speaker 2: You've got lots of people around you cheering you on.
0:47
Speaker 2: We also want to bring you the conversations that give
0:49
Speaker 2: you really practical, helpful tools when it comes to managing
0:53
Speaker 2: your kids and working with their emotions and helping them
0:56
Speaker 2: wind down in the evenings and conquer some of those big,
0:59
Speaker 2: big feelings they can sometimes have and kind of help
1:03
Speaker 2: yourself in the doing. And that is why I am
1:05
Speaker 2: so excited to welcome my guest today. You're just going
1:09
Speaker 2: to lover She has so much experience and so many
1:12
Speaker 2: great things to talk to us about this whole place
1:15
Speaker 2: and helping our kids be the most joyful they can be.
1:19
Speaker 2: Kira Willie, I'm so excited to have you on. Thanks
1:21
Speaker 2: so much for being on the show today.
1:23
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, thank you for having me excited to
1:25
Speaker 1: be here.
1:26
Speaker 2: You have been quite the author, and you have done
1:30
Speaker 2: all kinds of cool stuff, including things for PBS and
1:32
Speaker 2: on and on and on. Give us a little snapshot
1:35
Speaker 2: of your life, what you've been working on, where your
1:38
Speaker 2: passion projects are all the good stuff.
1:41
Speaker 1: I'm a musician, born and raised lifelong musicians. So my
1:44
Speaker 1: first job with children after leaving Corporate America, which did
1:48
Speaker 1: not suit me at all, was as a music teacher
1:50
Speaker 1: for littles, which I really really loved. And then I
1:53
Speaker 1: started incorporating movement and developing my own songs and curriculum
1:58
Speaker 1: around blending music and movement together, And then started visiting
2:02
Speaker 1: lots of schools and talking to teachers and talking to
2:04
Speaker 1: parents and realizing that children and parents really needed help
2:09
Speaker 1: with tools to help manage their emotions. There are so
2:13
Speaker 1: many big emotions that fly around when you're a little
2:16
Speaker 1: one and when you're a parent, trying to manage little ones,
2:19
Speaker 1: and we all need tools, and so I started developing
2:22
Speaker 1: books and more curriculum and things like that around just
2:27
Speaker 1: giving people easy, practical, doable tools to help them calm
2:32
Speaker 1: themselves down when they need to focus their attention, manage
2:35
Speaker 1: stress and anxiety, which we all need all ages, right right.
2:39
Speaker 1: But I love focusing on this sweet spot of young children,
2:42
Speaker 1: and so that's why my seven children's books are all
2:44
Speaker 1: about teaching simple tools, long deep breaths in and out,
2:49
Speaker 1: easy ways to focus your attention, to equip children with
2:52
Speaker 1: these schools that they're with, these skills that they're going
2:55
Speaker 1: to need their whole lives.
2:57
Speaker 2: Absolutely, I want to hear a little bit more because
2:59
Speaker 2: I want to do a deep dive into all of that,
3:02
Speaker 2: but I want to hear a little bit more about
3:04
Speaker 2: this jump you made from the corporate world into what
3:08
Speaker 2: we might say, you know, the more creative side or
3:10
Speaker 2: the more one on one music kind of thing. Because
3:14
Speaker 2: you know that sounds like quite a chapter. So tell
3:17
Speaker 2: me about that season of life.
3:19
Speaker 1: It's really interesting. It's one of those things where I think,
3:22
Speaker 1: after college it was a should I feel like I
3:26
Speaker 1: should get a quote, real job type of thing. I
3:29
Speaker 1: never felt really called to it. I never felt excited
3:33
Speaker 1: about it. I never felt throughout, but I did it.
3:35
Speaker 1: It was fine. It was you know, I had a
3:38
Speaker 1: good salary. I was living in New York City at
3:40
Speaker 1: the time, you know, enjoying my life. But I literally
3:45
Speaker 1: walked by on the Upper West Side of Manhattan a
3:48
Speaker 1: place that taught music to little ones, and there was
3:52
Speaker 1: a sign in the window. I mean, it sounds like
3:54
Speaker 1: I'm making it up. Sat in the window this said,
3:56
Speaker 1: you know, teachers wanted and something hit me. I mean
4:01
Speaker 1: it was like a gut reaction. And I walked in
4:05
Speaker 1: the door, you know, and long story short, after some
4:08
Speaker 1: interviews and whatever, they hired me. I went and left
4:11
Speaker 1: my corporate job. What I didn't do was the math,
4:14
Speaker 1: by the way. Yeah, and I think, honestly, I think
4:19
Speaker 1: I took a seventy five percent pay cut.
4:21
Speaker 3: Wow, and I.
4:23
Speaker 1: You know, most of my rent was like most of
4:26
Speaker 1: my money then went to my rent. I was, you know,
4:29
Speaker 1: but I loved it. I was like, this is what
4:31
Speaker 1: I'm supposed to be doing. It just made it just
4:34
Speaker 1: made sense, you know, and it went from there. Yeah.
4:36
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think sometimes we do make those transitions in
4:39
Speaker 2: some ways more complicated than they need.
4:42
Speaker 1: Yes, see.
4:42
Speaker 2: I mean, obviously there are transitions that are very complex,
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Speaker 2: and I get that. I'm not trying to just kind
4:47
Speaker 2: of skid over that. But I do think sometimes we're looking,
4:51
Speaker 2: you know, God, give me a sign or show me
4:53
Speaker 2: this or do that or whatever, and sometimes it really
4:55
Speaker 2: is just the help wanted in the window that actually
4:59
Speaker 2: activates a whole chain of things. It's just the willingness
5:02
Speaker 2: to step forward into that. And I love too that
5:05
Speaker 2: you you know, you're honest about didn't.
5:06
Speaker 3: Do the math.
5:07
Speaker 2: But that sometimes is a thing that holds us back.
5:09
Speaker 2: You know, we want the thing we want, whatever we
5:12
Speaker 2: think the next thing would be, that would be great,
5:14
Speaker 2: but we sometimes don't want to have to maybe get
5:17
Speaker 2: a little uncomfortable or cut back or whatever. So I
5:20
Speaker 2: love that you just were like, Okay, I'm doing it.
5:22
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, the math. We'll get to the math later.
5:23
Speaker 1: That I mean, any rational person may have said, let's
5:26
Speaker 1: look at this on paper, you know what I mean,
5:29
Speaker 1: it worked out right, I mean, you can.
5:32
Speaker 3: It worked out we're worried.
5:33
Speaker 1: I love that, Kira.
5:35
Speaker 3: That's fantastic.
5:36
Speaker 2: We have a new project out called The Joyful Child,
5:38
Speaker 2: and this is all about these little exercises, these little
5:41
Speaker 2: moments where we can help our kids be intentional.
5:44
Speaker 3: I would love to hear more about.
5:47
Speaker 2: I think it's an area we've ignored a lot, and
5:50
Speaker 2: I've been talking about this on a couple of previous
5:53
Speaker 2: episodes where I'm really thankful we are starting to take
5:56
Speaker 2: a stronger look at the somatic reality of our emotions
6:01
Speaker 2: that we feel, our feelings, and this is one of
6:05
Speaker 2: the things that in parenting today, I think there are
6:07
Speaker 2: some challenges because sometimes we're just running too hard into
6:11
Speaker 2: everything is about the emotions. But at the same time,
6:14
Speaker 2: we are equipping in a way that I think is
6:16
Speaker 2: so fantastic and much more informed than when I begin
6:19
Speaker 2: my parenting journey about helping kids understand and name their
6:23
Speaker 2: emotions and their feelings, and also to be able to
6:26
Speaker 2: observe a little bit better what it's doing in the body.
6:30
Speaker 2: It's like we intuitively know that there's this connection we
6:33
Speaker 2: talk about having butterflies in our stomach or feeling a
6:36
Speaker 2: little queasy because we're nervous, or we know that there
6:40
Speaker 2: is this connection, and yet we often don't market And
6:43
Speaker 2: I think for those of us who weren't raised equipped
6:45
Speaker 2: with this kind of language, that challenge to then trying
6:49
Speaker 2: to equip our kids can be really challenging.
6:51
Speaker 1: So back me up.
6:52
Speaker 3: Talk to me about.
6:54
Speaker 2: How we can do a better job of understanding what
6:57
Speaker 2: we're actually feeling and how it's showing up up physically,
7:01
Speaker 2: and then how we can begin the process of talking
7:03
Speaker 2: about that with our kids to then be able to
7:06
Speaker 2: help them manage as well.
7:08
Speaker 1: I love how you frame that because you put the
7:10
Speaker 1: grown up first, and that's so so important, and it's
7:14
Speaker 1: really the foundation of the house, so to speak of
7:16
Speaker 1: this book, my new books strifle child because we grown
7:20
Speaker 1: ups need to get our own house in order, so
7:23
Speaker 1: to speak, right before we can have our children calm down.
7:26
Speaker 1: I mean many parents and teachers say to me, I
7:29
Speaker 1: need to calm these kids down. How do I calm
7:31
Speaker 1: my kid down? How? Well, what's going on with you?
7:34
Speaker 3: Right?
7:35
Speaker 1: What's going on with you? That's the key piece, right.
7:38
Speaker 1: Our children's nervous systems are wired to mirror ours. When
7:44
Speaker 1: we are frantic and chaotic and stressed out and rushed,
7:48
Speaker 1: that gets mirrored right back to us. So it's it's
7:52
Speaker 1: I love that you put it that way, Like, how
7:54
Speaker 1: can I get myself in order first? How can I
7:57
Speaker 1: recognize that my dress is spiking, my voice is going up,
8:02
Speaker 1: my movements are are rushed and hurried, and I'm, you know,
8:05
Speaker 1: repeating myself all the time, and I'm talking really fast.
8:08
Speaker 1: And how do I recognize that and get myself sixty
8:11
Speaker 1: seconds to calm down before connecting with my child, because
8:17
Speaker 1: that will make all of the difference. We all know
8:19
Speaker 1: how it goes when we're trying to get out the
8:20
Speaker 1: door and we say, come on, let's go, we gotta
8:22
Speaker 1: go get your shoes and we're gonna be late, right,
8:24
Speaker 1: and you're running around looking for your phone and your walleye.
8:28
Speaker 1: As opposed to calmly being ready ourselves going to our child,
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Speaker 1: maybe a hand on the shoulder, maybe a pat on
8:37
Speaker 1: the bed and saying it's time to get in the car,
8:40
Speaker 1: that's a whole different thing, right, You can feel how
8:44
Speaker 1: different it feels. So in the book, there are lots
8:47
Speaker 1: of very simple, very quick ways for the grown up,
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Speaker 1: the parent, the mama, the grandpa, whoever is in with
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Speaker 1: the child to calm themselves. Simple doable things you can do,
9:01
Speaker 1: from hands on the bathroom sync to deep breaths right
9:04
Speaker 1: when you're taking a moment in the bathroom to yourself,
9:06
Speaker 1: like sometimes that's what it takes right right right to
9:09
Speaker 1: yourself to finding one tiny good thing in the midst
9:14
Speaker 1: of chaos to focus on to get that level of
9:17
Speaker 1: appreciation up so you can get out of the negative
9:20
Speaker 1: loop that might be in your head. To simple somatic
9:24
Speaker 1: experience is just rolling the shoulders back and breathing, just
9:28
Speaker 1: you know, drawing circles with your big toast so you
9:30
Speaker 1: can release some tension in your lower bith. Very simple,
9:33
Speaker 1: doable things because when we focus on that first, the
9:37
Speaker 1: calm with our children naturally follows. The truth is the
9:40
Speaker 1: most important resource we can give our child is the
9:45
Speaker 1: most calm centered version of ourselves. That is so powerful
9:52
Speaker 1: because often I think as moms we are inverting the
9:56
Speaker 1: equation and we think, when these kids calm down, I
10:00
Speaker 1: will calm down exactly. Yeah.
10:03
Speaker 3: Yeah.
10:03
Speaker 2: And you know, if we don't know how to do it,
10:06
Speaker 2: then how can we expect the kids to do it?
10:07
Speaker 2: I have to confess, Kiara, one of my favorite parenting
10:11
Speaker 2: shows back in the day was not a parenting show.
10:14
Speaker 2: It was a dog training show. Okay, I know how
10:17
Speaker 2: bad that sounds, but there's a guy named Caesar mwand
10:19
Speaker 2: he would train dogs and one of his big things
10:22
Speaker 2: was always about if you, as the dog owner, are
10:25
Speaker 2: freaking out and jumping up and down and you're working
10:27
Speaker 2: up the dog, why do you expect the dog to
10:30
Speaker 2: then not be jumping and climbing on you and all
10:32
Speaker 2: the things. And I can remember thinking, oh, oh, if
10:38
Speaker 2: I'm hollering for everybody to get in the car, even
10:40
Speaker 2: though it may be completely valid, I know how I
10:44
Speaker 2: respond if somebody's hollering at me, And so why would
10:46
Speaker 2: that be any different from my child of rush? They're
10:49
Speaker 2: going to get activated and it's going to stress them out.
10:52
Speaker 2: We're are places that we can do a little quick
10:54
Speaker 2: self check to see where we might be getting kind
10:57
Speaker 2: of tense. I love every now and then I'll be
10:59
Speaker 2: on social media something There'll be a reminder where somebody
11:01
Speaker 2: will say, hey, I want you to unclench your jaw,
11:04
Speaker 2: and I'll think my jaw's not, Oh oh my jaws clenched.
11:08
Speaker 2: Oh my shoulders are up by my ear lobes. You
11:10
Speaker 2: know I can and when I have that little reminder.
11:12
Speaker 2: So what are some little quick assessments we can do
11:16
Speaker 2: as the parent, as the caregiver for a child in
11:18
Speaker 2: a moment where we start feeling the temperature rise some
11:23
Speaker 2: spots where we typically can carry some of that tension
11:25
Speaker 2: and we can intentionally release it.
11:27
Speaker 1: Yeah, So as far as times of the day, it's transitions.
11:30
Speaker 1: It's almost always transitions. That's the time before you start
11:35
Speaker 1: to take the child from play and try to get
11:38
Speaker 1: the shoes on and the water bottle found in the
11:40
Speaker 1: backpack and a'll that get yourself in order right, get
11:45
Speaker 1: yourself calm. And what that can look like is a
11:48
Speaker 1: quick body scan is a great way to do it.
11:50
Speaker 1: Just pause whatever you're doing. And I don't mean five, ten,
11:55
Speaker 1: twenty minutes of meditation, which is great if you want
11:58
Speaker 1: to do that, absolutely nothing wrong with that, But who
12:00
Speaker 1: has time for that when you have four little ones
12:02
Speaker 1: you need to get out the door to school or
12:04
Speaker 1: childcare wherever it is. This is a thirty second situation.
12:08
Speaker 1: I'm talking about. Pause, breathe, and just scan your body
12:13
Speaker 1: from head to toe and you'll find it right, feet, legs, hips, shoulders, neck,
12:21
Speaker 1: where is it? And then just imagine just breathing into
12:25
Speaker 1: that area and just releasing it, just letting it go.
12:28
Speaker 1: If it's shoulders, you can roll them up, back and
12:30
Speaker 1: down right. If it's legs, you can shake them out.
12:34
Speaker 1: If it's lower back. You could do a quick stretch,
12:36
Speaker 1: you know, a little cat cow forward and back or
12:38
Speaker 1: something like that. So a quick body scan will tell
12:42
Speaker 1: you where the stress lives in your body, and any
12:45
Speaker 1: kind of movement that will release that will also help
12:48
Speaker 1: process that stress and move it through and release it.
12:52
Speaker 1: So you know, we make that connection, like you were
12:55
Speaker 1: saying in the beginning, our body feels our emotions, right,
12:59
Speaker 1: we feel the heart rate you know, going up, the
13:01
Speaker 1: clammy palms or whatever it is, but we sometimes don't
13:05
Speaker 1: make the connection that there's physical sensation that can also
13:07
Speaker 1: process it through. Shaking is a great one. Literally just
13:11
Speaker 1: shake your body out. I just imagine that stress or
13:14
Speaker 1: that tension or that worry just shaking off you, right
13:18
Speaker 1: like like a puppy would shake after a bath and
13:21
Speaker 1: the droplets just flying everywhere. And this works with kids too,
13:25
Speaker 1: by the way, and there's lots of exercises that are
13:27
Speaker 1: very kid friendly and framed to children where it works too.
13:30
Speaker 1: But for you, a quick body scan, any movement to
13:34
Speaker 1: release that tension, and then just what's your intention going
13:37
Speaker 1: into this transition? Right? Excuse me? Like I'm going to
13:42
Speaker 1: connect with my child and then talk to them about
13:45
Speaker 1: how it's time to get in the car to go
13:46
Speaker 1: to the store, not just like flying through it and
13:50
Speaker 1: hollering at them from the other room or down the
13:52
Speaker 1: hall to finish what they're doing and come get in
13:54
Speaker 1: the car. Because they don't feel connected to you then, right,
13:58
Speaker 1: and often what we think of as I don't want
14:02
Speaker 1: to say misbehavior, right like challenging behavior comes from a
14:06
Speaker 1: lack of feeling connected to you. Right. Right, And when
14:10
Speaker 1: you slow down and you do some of that check
14:13
Speaker 1: in and you do a little bit of release again
14:14
Speaker 1: thirty seconds, sixty seconds, you feel calm and you can
14:18
Speaker 1: go to them and connect with them in their world. Right, So,
14:22
Speaker 1: say they're playing a game or something like that, take
14:25
Speaker 1: just a couple of seconds to say, hey, what are
14:27
Speaker 1: you doing? What's this? You know? What are you drawing?
14:30
Speaker 1: What are you building here? A couple of seconds of conversation,
14:33
Speaker 1: and then say it's time to go find your backpack.
14:38
Speaker 1: Now they feel connected with you, seen and heard, and
14:42
Speaker 1: they're much more likely to cooperate easily and go along
14:46
Speaker 1: with what needs to happen.
14:50
Speaker 4: You think that you are in the final round of
14:54
Speaker 4: getting all this parenting done. You've got kids who are
14:57
Speaker 4: in high school, you're starting to think about college and
15:00
Speaker 4: you're thinking.
15:01
Speaker 1: This is it. I'm Julie Lyles Carr.
15:03
Speaker 4: I'm a podcaster and I'm a mom of eight, and
15:05
Speaker 4: here's what I want you to know about George Fox University.
15:09
Speaker 1: It's a different way of doing college.
15:11
Speaker 3: Why because, yes, it's all about.
15:14
Speaker 4: Getting a fantastic degree to set your kid up for
15:16
Speaker 4: their future.
15:17
Speaker 1: They have sixty.
15:18
Speaker 5: Undergrad programs available at George Fox University, but that's not where.
15:23
Speaker 1: The story ends.
15:24
Speaker 3: It's also about equipping them spiritually.
15:27
Speaker 4: If you get out of college with a degree, but
15:29
Speaker 4: you don't have a closer relationship with God, that obviously
15:32
Speaker 4: is going to deeply impact what your young adult life
15:36
Speaker 4: looks like.
15:37
Speaker 3: So for your kiddos, I want you to consider what
15:40
Speaker 3: would it mean.
15:41
Speaker 4: For your child to be able to go to George
15:42
Speaker 4: Fox University where ninety three percent of George Fox students
15:47
Speaker 4: say they now have a closer.
15:49
Speaker 3: Relationship with Jesus.
15:51
Speaker 4: George Fox University is located in the Pacific northwestern Oregon.
15:55
Speaker 4: They have twenty three Division three athletic programs, and one
16:00
Speaker 4: hundred percent of students at George Box University receive financial aid.
16:06
Speaker 4: George Box University is dedicated to their promise. They want
16:09
Speaker 4: every student to be known for who God created.
16:12
Speaker 1: Them to be.
16:13
Speaker 5: So listen, parents, Yeah, you are getting into some of
16:16
Speaker 5: those final laps, but you definitely want to make these
16:20
Speaker 5: last laps count in a big way when it comes
16:23
Speaker 5: to the legacy of your parenting.
16:25
Speaker 3: So be sure and check out for your student.
16:27
Speaker 1: George Fox dot edu.
16:30
Speaker 3: That's George Fox dot edu. That's such a simple thing.
16:37
Speaker 3: But you are entering their world.
16:40
Speaker 2: It is fascinating to me when I'm off doing my
16:43
Speaker 2: little thing and a child is off doing their little
16:45
Speaker 2: thing right, and we yes, we're alongside, so we may
16:49
Speaker 2: even be in the same room, but we really are
16:52
Speaker 2: engaging in those moments in two different things, right, And
16:56
Speaker 2: so I love that tip to go in.
16:58
Speaker 1: And say, oh, what are you looking at?
17:00
Speaker 3: What are you making with the legos?
17:02
Speaker 2: What do you because it is now me entering their
17:04
Speaker 2: world and I'm not just immediately dragging them into my agenda.
17:08
Speaker 2: I'm acknowledging that they have something going on too. One
17:12
Speaker 2: thing that I love that I'm watching my daughter do
17:15
Speaker 2: with my granddaughters. That's so great. I did some of this.
17:18
Speaker 2: She's way better at it than I am. Goodness, thank goodness,
17:22
Speaker 2: every generation gets a little better, right. But one thing
17:25
Speaker 2: that she's very good about doing is saying, hey, in
17:29
Speaker 2: ten minutes, we're going to leave. You know, in five minutes,
17:32
Speaker 2: we're gonna leave, and she continues the countdown, so there's
17:36
Speaker 2: no surprise. One of the things that I definitely found
17:40
Speaker 2: in my own parenting is that I had kids who
17:43
Speaker 2: were okay with me, like, out of the blue, everybody
17:45
Speaker 2: in the car, we gotta get to Costco. There were
17:47
Speaker 2: kids who, for whatever reason, the way they were wired,
17:49
Speaker 2: they seemed to be able to handle that okay. But
17:52
Speaker 2: then I had kids who really needed that early warning.
17:56
Speaker 3: System, if you will.
17:57
Speaker 2: So what is the effect of that in so personalities,
18:00
Speaker 2: some temperaments, some physiologies that they do better with a
18:05
Speaker 2: little bit of a countdown or a little bit of
18:07
Speaker 2: a prepping for what's going to happen next.
18:10
Speaker 1: Yeah, you hit the nail on the head. As far
18:11
Speaker 1: as why transitions are so hard for some children, it
18:15
Speaker 1: feels very jarring to them to get taken from their
18:19
Speaker 1: world of play or whatever they're absorbed in. And children
18:23
Speaker 1: play differently and learn differently, right, and are absorbed in
18:25
Speaker 1: things differently, and some children really sink into that play,
18:29
Speaker 1: which is what we want them to do. I mean,
18:31
Speaker 1: that's a wonderful, beautiful thing. But that switch to now
18:35
Speaker 1: coming along with your grown up agenda as you put it,
18:38
Speaker 1: which is a great way to put it, feels very
18:40
Speaker 1: jarring and unwelcome. It's just this all of a sudden
18:43
Speaker 1: being sort of torn out of something they want to do.
18:45
Speaker 1: So yes, for some children, they absolutely need really clear
18:50
Speaker 1: and really accurate, you know, time warnings, and you need
18:56
Speaker 1: to stick to what you say you're going to do.
18:58
Speaker 1: This is really important. Kind. I always say someone said
19:01
Speaker 1: it to me. I don't know who, but I really
19:03
Speaker 1: appreciate it. Clear is kind, not a lot of words,
19:07
Speaker 1: not a lot of explanation. We live in a world
19:11
Speaker 1: of words and explanations and write justifications. And this is
19:15
Speaker 1: why we have to go, and the store is going
19:16
Speaker 1: to close and we got to get right. They don't care. Yeah, clear,
19:21
Speaker 1: clear is kind. You know, in ten minutes, it will
19:24
Speaker 1: be time to get shoes on. In five minutes, it
19:26
Speaker 1: will be time. Right, it's time to get shoes on,
19:29
Speaker 1: and make sure you're ready to go. Make sure it's
19:31
Speaker 1: really five minutes. Make sure in five minutes you are
19:35
Speaker 1: really ready to walk to the car. Then they know
19:38
Speaker 1: you're walking the walk right, not just talking to talk,
19:42
Speaker 1: And so it needs to be very clear. And it's
19:45
Speaker 1: not a question. You know. I used to do this
19:48
Speaker 1: all the time and I wrote about this in my
19:49
Speaker 1: book You want to get in the car?
19:51
Speaker 3: Right, Kira? I am the worst I am.
19:54
Speaker 2: I position it as a question. I'm trying to be polite,
19:57
Speaker 2: and I'm making an option. And where there is op, yep, yep.
20:02
Speaker 1: Want to get your seat belt muckled? Not an option
20:05
Speaker 1: completely not negotiable, right, But we make it an option
20:09
Speaker 1: sounding because we want to feel make it softer, right, right,
20:13
Speaker 1: and easier. But it's it's kinder and it's easier to
20:18
Speaker 1: just be clear. And that's why I always use it's
20:21
Speaker 1: time to dot.
20:22
Speaker 2: Dot dot, it's time to do, it's time to get
20:25
Speaker 2: That is so good.
20:26
Speaker 1: I wanna ready to clean up your toys?
20:29
Speaker 3: No, yeah, here, no answer exactly. I mean, you have
20:35
Speaker 3: just hit the nail on the head for me.
20:36
Speaker 2: And one thing that I realized that it's so interesting
20:39
Speaker 2: getting to now do next gin right with these two
20:42
Speaker 2: toddler granddaughters. I have Yeah, I realized I have laughed
20:45
Speaker 2: at myself so much on this very thing because I
20:49
Speaker 2: would always ask it as a question. I didn't want
20:52
Speaker 2: my kids to feel controlled, right, so I would I
20:56
Speaker 2: would pose it as a question. Now in Now, in
20:59
Speaker 2: that parenting, my kids hit the point where they knew
21:03
Speaker 2: and because it was being replicated across so many kids,
21:06
Speaker 2: they knew that it was, you know, we were doing this.
21:09
Speaker 3: I wasn't actually asking for their opinion.
21:12
Speaker 2: However, with my oldest granddaughter who's now three, her mom
21:17
Speaker 2: and dad have done such a great job my daughter
21:19
Speaker 2: and her husband in terms of giving her some autonomy,
21:22
Speaker 2: and so when they ask a question, it really is
21:24
Speaker 2: about her preference. Would you like to do this or
21:27
Speaker 2: do this? So then I come zooming in to see
21:29
Speaker 2: him as you know, the grandparent, and I'm doing it again.
21:33
Speaker 2: Here I'm saying to her.
21:35
Speaker 3: Yeah, why don't we get in the car?
21:36
Speaker 1: You want to get in the car?
21:37
Speaker 2: Well, yeah, they are, you know, working with her that
21:41
Speaker 2: if it's a question, she gets to actually have an
21:43
Speaker 2: opinion and gets to have input, and so she'll say no, thank.
21:47
Speaker 3: You, She's right, no, thank you.
21:50
Speaker 2: And then I'm having to rewind and I began to realize, wow,
21:54
Speaker 2: I do it in my adult peer relationships a lot
21:58
Speaker 2: of times too.
21:58
Speaker 3: I don't know.
21:59
Speaker 2: If maybe it's a female thing, if it's my something
22:03
Speaker 2: I was trained generationally, I don't know. But sometimes because
22:08
Speaker 2: I sometimes have a hard time stating what I want,
22:11
Speaker 2: the clearest kind statement is so great. I think I
22:13
Speaker 2: heard it first from Brene Brown, and I love it
22:15
Speaker 2: because I realize the level of confusion. Sometimes I'm inviting
22:20
Speaker 2: by the way I'm saying things, because I am posing
22:23
Speaker 2: it as a question instead of saying, well, would you
22:25
Speaker 2: want to go to.
22:26
Speaker 3: Maybe Summer Moon instead of Starbucks for our coffee?
22:28
Speaker 2: What I really mean is I would prefer to go
22:31
Speaker 2: to this coffee shop. But I'm posing this as if
22:35
Speaker 2: give me your feedback, and then somebody does and I'm like, oh, no,
22:39
Speaker 2: I have to go.
22:39
Speaker 1: I don't want to want Starbucks. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah.
22:42
Speaker 2: But I've done it to myself and I can and
22:44
Speaker 2: I can feel my shoulders coming up by my earlubs
22:46
Speaker 2: when I do that kind of thing.
22:48
Speaker 1: So yeah, it's such a good point. Yeah, I'm so
22:50
Speaker 1: glad you bring it up, because I think a lot
22:52
Speaker 1: of us do that. We just kind of want to
22:53
Speaker 1: soften our communication. We want to keep it light, we
22:56
Speaker 1: want to be liked, we want we don't want to
22:59
Speaker 1: state a preference at some point some one else might
23:00
Speaker 1: not agree with. I mean, I get it, I completely
23:04
Speaker 1: get it. It's completely normal. It's human nature. I don't.
23:08
Speaker 1: And with young children, it's really important to be clear
23:14
Speaker 1: with what is expected of them from the get go,
23:16
Speaker 1: and yes, then give them agency over things they can
23:20
Speaker 1: have agency over. Would you like an apple or a
23:22
Speaker 1: banana with your lunch? Right? Would you like to wear
23:25
Speaker 1: the red dress or the right? Easy? No skin off
23:28
Speaker 1: your nose? Right, you don't, It's fine either way for you.
23:31
Speaker 1: And that helps them develop their preferences and their tastes
23:34
Speaker 1: and their opinions, and they feel they feel included and
23:37
Speaker 1: like they're contributing when they get to have that agency
23:39
Speaker 1: and make that choice. But things that aren't negotiable make
23:43
Speaker 1: them not negotiable from the start.
23:45
Speaker 3: From the go, from the go.
23:46
Speaker 2: I love that you write about in The Joyful Child
23:49
Speaker 2: these different times of day. I know we talked about transitions,
23:51
Speaker 2: but I want to hear your thoughts on the times
23:54
Speaker 2: of day and things we should be doing. I can
23:56
Speaker 2: tell you that one thing that has really changed me
23:59
Speaker 2: in the morning now is when I get up and
24:02
Speaker 2: I'm doing my little routine. I've learned to just start
24:05
Speaker 2: like massaging the back of my neck a little bit,
24:08
Speaker 2: And that sounds so simple, but I was, you know,
24:11
Speaker 2: so often just accustomed to the tightness or whatever in
24:15
Speaker 2: the mornings, and so I just kind of wrapped that in.
24:18
Speaker 2: It goes along with the tooth brushing and the skincare
24:20
Speaker 2: and all that kind of stuff. And I'm surprised at
24:23
Speaker 2: how much a difference that makes. But it's in the
24:25
Speaker 2: morning that that seems to be a big deal. You
24:27
Speaker 2: have several things that you talk about in moving throughout
24:30
Speaker 2: the day that can be these moments of kind of
24:33
Speaker 2: getting back to Okay, where are we at, how are
24:35
Speaker 2: we feeling, what's going on physiologically? So talk me through
24:38
Speaker 2: some of those moments throughout the day that you have
24:40
Speaker 2: different things that the adult can be doing and the
24:43
Speaker 2: child can be participating in when it comes to really
24:45
Speaker 2: getting some good processing and all that going on.
24:48
Speaker 1: Yeah, the start of the day is key. I'm sure
24:51
Speaker 1: you had plenty of mornings with your little ones, and
24:54
Speaker 1: I had plenty with my three little ones where the
24:56
Speaker 1: morning's just chaos. It just starts with somebody crying and
24:58
Speaker 1: it's just, yeah, like downhill from there from there that's
25:01
Speaker 1: even possible, right, yep. And so the thought, you know,
25:05
Speaker 1: moms who are in the thick of it right now
25:06
Speaker 1: maybe laughing at the thought of having any kind of
25:09
Speaker 1: a calm morning, but it's possible, right. It will not
25:12
Speaker 1: always happen, but it's possible. And one of the keys
25:15
Speaker 1: in the morning is to check in with yourself. Right.
25:18
Speaker 1: So often we you know, leap out of bed and
25:20
Speaker 1: just immediately start putting out fires or doing what needs
25:23
Speaker 1: to be doing, or rushing and the breakfast and the
25:25
Speaker 1: dishes and this and the that we need to check
25:28
Speaker 1: in with ourselves. And this is an incredible skill to
25:31
Speaker 1: teach our children as well. And one that you can
25:34
Speaker 1: do together is called how's the weather? And there's a
25:37
Speaker 1: song that goes with it as well. Look out the
25:39
Speaker 1: window and just check the weather together. What's going on
25:41
Speaker 1: out there today? Oh, looks kind of cloudy. I wonder
25:43
Speaker 1: if it's going to rain. It's a little chillier than yesterday.
25:46
Speaker 1: And then you say, what's the weather like inside me?
25:51
Speaker 1: What's the weather feel like inside you? Today? You know,
25:53
Speaker 1: ask your child, do you feel sunny? Do you feel stormy?
25:57
Speaker 1: Does it feel like a thunderstorm inside you, and it's
25:59
Speaker 1: a very child friendly way of building that skill of
26:03
Speaker 1: self awareness, and self awareness is the foundational skill of
26:08
Speaker 1: all the regulatory skills we want children to have, right,
26:11
Speaker 1: we want them to be able to manage their bodies
26:13
Speaker 1: and emotions well. Self awareness is the first step there.
26:17
Speaker 1: And so anyway we could start to build that skill
26:19
Speaker 1: of self awareness of tuning in to our own bodies
26:22
Speaker 1: and say what's going on? How do we feel? And
26:25
Speaker 1: something like how's the weather is a perfect child friendly
26:28
Speaker 1: way to do it, because even very young children understand
26:31
Speaker 1: the concept of its sunny, it's rainy, it's cloudy, it's snowing.
26:34
Speaker 1: And then you share your weather as well, and this
26:37
Speaker 1: can take sixty seconds. But now you've had this not
26:40
Speaker 1: only this moment of fun connection, but you've checked in.
26:45
Speaker 1: You have a really good beat on how your child
26:47
Speaker 1: is feeling that day, because if you get full on
26:50
Speaker 1: thunderstorms as a report back from them, you know something's
26:53
Speaker 1: brewing in the good to note, right, And then maybe
26:56
Speaker 1: it's not the time for the really complicated hairstyle and
26:59
Speaker 1: the fancy that you were hoping would get put on.
27:01
Speaker 1: Maybe it's time to just keep it at sweats, right,
27:04
Speaker 1: because there's something clearly either bothering them or simmering or
27:08
Speaker 1: something like that, and you get a good check in
27:10
Speaker 1: on yourself too. You really get to think about it,
27:13
Speaker 1: how am I feeling this morning, and you can plan accordingly.
27:16
Speaker 1: So all these activities at transition times of the day
27:19
Speaker 1: are so short and sweet, but they help build these
27:23
Speaker 1: skills that are so important. So in the car, for example,
27:26
Speaker 1: lots of times in the car or on a road
27:28
Speaker 1: trip of any kind, or on the bus or train,
27:30
Speaker 1: we just check out, right, headphones on, we're in our phone,
27:35
Speaker 1: child's on the tablet, whatever. It is, nothing wrong with that,
27:38
Speaker 1: and I am no shame in that game. And we
27:42
Speaker 1: can also use that time as opportunities for connection, to
27:46
Speaker 1: build observational skills right to be mindfully aware of what's
27:50
Speaker 1: going on around us. We can do games like red
27:53
Speaker 1: light green light, which we can do right in the
27:55
Speaker 1: backseat of the car, where we direct the car. They
27:58
Speaker 1: grab their steering wheel and you go light go, red
28:02
Speaker 1: light stop, and every time you're at a red light,
28:04
Speaker 1: you both breathe and breathe, and then you go yellow
28:11
Speaker 1: light slow and you do exaggerated slow motion and it's
28:14
Speaker 1: just a really fun, simple game. But it helps children
28:17
Speaker 1: manage their energy levels, manage their impulses, and gets calming,
28:21
Speaker 1: deep breaths in as part of a game. So I
28:24
Speaker 1: love there's lots of ways to build this in very
28:27
Speaker 1: short right, No, right, no one has time to build,
28:31
Speaker 1: you know, an extra twenty thirty minutes into their routine.
28:35
Speaker 1: But these are things you do during the things you're
28:38
Speaker 1: doing anyway. Right, you're doing the morning routine, you're traveling
28:42
Speaker 1: to childcare or school, you're eating. There's lots for meal time,
28:45
Speaker 1: there's lots for bedtime. You can just weave them into
28:48
Speaker 1: your daily routines and find more of that connection along
28:51
Speaker 1: the way.
28:52
Speaker 2: I love that one thing that I definitely observed that's
28:55
Speaker 2: been good, and I did some of it with some
28:57
Speaker 2: of my kids, but I'm watching it even more now
29:00
Speaker 2: with my oldest grandchild is that pause to take those breaths.
29:05
Speaker 2: You know, I've been reading more about how we oftentimes
29:09
Speaker 2: are just living, so we're breathing very shallowly a lot
29:12
Speaker 2: of the time. And what this does in our nervous
29:15
Speaker 2: systems is that keeps us kind of nervous because we're
29:18
Speaker 2: not taking those big breaths. And so I love the
29:20
Speaker 2: idea of coming to a stoplight and taking a moment
29:22
Speaker 2: to actually draw a deep breath. Talk to me a
29:25
Speaker 2: little bit about why breathing patterns can be so very
29:28
Speaker 2: important and why are they How do they help regulate
29:33
Speaker 2: our nervous system?
29:33
Speaker 3: What's going on there for us?
29:35
Speaker 2: Because it seems like such a simple thing, and you
29:37
Speaker 2: don't because it's your autonomic nervous system. For them, you know,
29:40
Speaker 2: you're just breathing, and we just breathe without being told.
29:42
Speaker 2: But then when we get intentional about it, it really
29:45
Speaker 2: can help relax muscles and make us feel a little
29:48
Speaker 2: bit more present and understand what's going on.
29:49
Speaker 3: So what is happening there At the physiological level.
29:52
Speaker 1: What's incredible is that it only takes about four long
29:57
Speaker 1: deep breaths to significantly alter our stress physiology, and that
30:01
Speaker 1: has been shown even in children. There was a wonderful
30:04
Speaker 1: study last year in young children that showed getting them
30:07
Speaker 1: to take four long deep just four can significantly alter
30:11
Speaker 1: that stress physiology that's happening in the body. So what
30:15
Speaker 1: deep breathing does is it activates the vagus nerve, which
30:18
Speaker 1: stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system, and that's responsible for rest
30:22
Speaker 1: and digest as they say, as opposed to the sympathetic
30:25
Speaker 1: nervous system, which is fight or flight. So we've all
30:28
Speaker 1: heard about fight or flight, which is when you know,
30:30
Speaker 1: our cortisol spikes and our body only knows how to
30:33
Speaker 1: do fight, flight, freeze or fond they say, there's four
30:36
Speaker 1: now that they say, right, But you're just in a
30:38
Speaker 1: reactive mode, right. The amygdala, this part of your brain
30:42
Speaker 1: that's you know, basically prehistoric, and all it knows how
30:46
Speaker 1: to do is protect you has taken over and all
30:49
Speaker 1: it knows how to do is react. What we want
30:52
Speaker 1: to be in charge is this other part of our
30:53
Speaker 1: brain called the prefrontal cortex, which can reason, which is
30:58
Speaker 1: responsible for executive function, which can think about a response
31:03
Speaker 1: instead of a reaction. And when we teach children to breathe,
31:09
Speaker 1: to take you know, these mindful, long breaths, we're helping
31:13
Speaker 1: them be able to respond instead of react, because when
31:19
Speaker 1: we react, you know, it usually doesn't go well for
31:22
Speaker 1: anybody if you think about it. You know, I always
31:24
Speaker 1: teach children something like if you're in school and somebody
31:27
Speaker 1: bumps you in the hallway, and you immediately turn around
31:30
Speaker 1: and want to smack them or yell at them or
31:32
Speaker 1: something like that because they're running down the hall. That's
31:35
Speaker 1: a reaction from your amigdala, from that lizard part of
31:38
Speaker 1: your brain that's like I want to fight. Right, If
31:41
Speaker 1: you take a moment and just take one deep breath
31:44
Speaker 1: or ideally two or three or four, and you let
31:47
Speaker 1: the other part of your brain take over and think
31:50
Speaker 1: about it, you might see that that person's running down
31:52
Speaker 1: the hall because they saw their sister fall down and
31:55
Speaker 1: they think they're hurt. And now you have a whole
31:58
Speaker 1: different feeling about the fact that they bumped your shoulder
32:00
Speaker 1: in the hallway. Right. So an example like that really
32:04
Speaker 1: helps young children understand, oh, this is the part of
32:08
Speaker 1: my brain I really want to be in charge, and
32:10
Speaker 1: practicing taking these long, deep breaths will help that part
32:14
Speaker 1: of my brain be in charge. It tells the amigdalah,
32:17
Speaker 1: thank you very much. I appreciate you trying to protect me,
32:21
Speaker 1: but you can stand down. Yeah it's okay. Yeah you
32:24
Speaker 1: gonna sit in the backseat. We would like this other
32:26
Speaker 1: part of our brain, this prefrontal cortex, to be driving.
32:30
Speaker 1: Thank you very much.
32:32
Speaker 2: And I still need those lessons too, Kira. I recently
32:34
Speaker 2: had somebody cut me off in traffic, and my youngest
32:37
Speaker 2: child was with me, and he at that time was
32:39
Speaker 2: still in the process of gain. He had his learners
32:41
Speaker 2: from it, and he was doing all of his practice
32:43
Speaker 2: driving and this person cuts and I'm.
32:45
Speaker 3: Like, ah, I can't believe it.
32:46
Speaker 1: Da da da da da da da.
32:47
Speaker 3: And he's just the dearest, dearest soul.
32:50
Speaker 1: And he said, or.
32:52
Speaker 2: Maybe they're a beginning driver, you know, like I've been,
32:55
Speaker 2: and they just didn't know to And I thought, okay,
32:59
Speaker 2: and I could I feel that other part of my
33:01
Speaker 2: brain come, you know, more to the forefront and go, Okay,
33:04
Speaker 2: maybe compassion, maybe understanding is a little better jewels than
33:08
Speaker 2: just getting your road rage on.
33:10
Speaker 1: So absolutely, yeah, we.
33:14
Speaker 3: Can all still learn.
33:15
Speaker 2: Well, Kira, I'm so excited for you about this new project,
33:17
Speaker 2: The Joyful Child. Where can the listener go to find
33:20
Speaker 2: out more about your music, your books, all the great
33:22
Speaker 2: things that you're doing to help equip parents to work
33:25
Speaker 2: with their kids and help their kids be intentional and
33:28
Speaker 2: learn more about managing their own feelings and the way
33:31
Speaker 2: their body responds to those feelings.
33:33
Speaker 3: Where can the listener go?
33:34
Speaker 1: Yes, go check out the new book. It's at the
33:36
Speaker 1: Joyful childbook dot com. And then you can find my
33:39
Speaker 1: children's books and all of my music at Kirowilly dot
33:42
Speaker 1: com or anywhere you get books and music. It's available anywhere.
33:46
Speaker 1: So yes, fantastic.
33:48
Speaker 3: Okay, that is so awesome.
33:49
Speaker 2: Well, Kira again, can't thank you enough for being on today.
33:53
Speaker 2: So many great practical, helpful things that we can do
33:58
Speaker 2: to work with our kids, to get ourselves calm down,
34:00
Speaker 2: to do the things so that we can be more
34:02
Speaker 2: intentional and joyful together. Kira, I just so appreciate what
34:06
Speaker 2: you're doing out in the world. Thank you so much,
34:08
Speaker 2: thank you for having me. All Right, friend, you know
34:12
Speaker 2: the drill. First of all, you're going to grab the
34:14
Speaker 2: link from this episode and you're going to send it
34:16
Speaker 2: to a friend or two or five who would be
34:19
Speaker 2: so blessed to know that there are some things they
34:21
Speaker 2: can do to help get things a little bit calmer
34:24
Speaker 2: for both themselves and in their homes and with their kids.
34:28
Speaker 3: Then, you know, the second thing you're gonna do. You're
34:30
Speaker 3: going to go to the show notes and that's where
34:31
Speaker 3: you're going to find the links.
34:32
Speaker 2: That's where you can find out more about Kira and
34:34
Speaker 2: be able to find all of the great resources that
34:36
Speaker 2: she has out there. And then you're going to go
34:38
Speaker 2: check out allmandes dot com, allman Does on the socials,
34:41
Speaker 2: because that is a phenomenal community of women just like you,
34:45
Speaker 2: managing all the things, spinning, all the plates, growing in
34:48
Speaker 2: your spirituality with God, raising those kids, working that job, nurturing.
34:52
Speaker 3: Your romantic relationship, all of it.
34:54
Speaker 2: You're going to find incredible support and ideas and encouragement.
34:58
Speaker 2: And then I love it too when you come out
34:59
Speaker 2: and hang over over at Instagram. I'm usually there the
35:02
Speaker 2: most Julie Lyles car over there, be sure and pop
35:05
Speaker 2: into my DMS. Let me know the topics and guests
35:07
Speaker 2: that you would like to hear from, because that's how
35:10
Speaker 2: we develop this whole calendar for you. Of all the
35:12
Speaker 2: things that we want to bring, we want to hear
35:15
Speaker 2: from you. And I will see you next time on
35:17
Speaker 2: the All Mom Does Podcast