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3 Words Trauma Survivors Struggle To Say In Relationships · Trauma Free Relationship

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Welcome back to Trauma Free Relationship podcast.
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I'm so glad that you're here with us today.
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If you've experienced relational or attachment trauma, you
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already know how hard it can feel to use your words or voice
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your experience in your relationship.
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And sometimes it's not some big long speeches that can trip us
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up. Sometimes it's just a few small
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words. Well, today we're going to
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explore three of the most powerful yet most difficult
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words for trauma survivors to say in relationships.
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And my hope is that by the end of the podcast, you'll not only
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understand why these words feel so hard, but also begin to have
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some of the tools to practice them safely and gently in your
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own relationships. Now, before I start with my
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introduction, I also want to say this is my 100th episode of this
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podcast. And I just want to say thank you
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to all the listeners. When I started this podcast, I
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had no idea if anybody besides me would even care.
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And the fact that I've gotten so many wonderful responses, I've
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gotten so much great feedback over the last 100 episodes that
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I've made it this far. I'm sorry to say, it's only
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emboldened me to go even further and to continue bringing this to
1:25
you. I really feel like this is one
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of the best mediums for being able to reach people and offer
1:33
valuable information. Nothing's wrong with social
1:36
media or YouTube, but for me, I just feel like this is one of
1:40
the best platforms to be able to talk so openly about something
1:47
as sensitive as relational and attachment trauma and to be able
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to reach people and give them tools and tips and techniques
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that they can do, and in the hope that it impacts their life
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and their relationships. So 100 episodes in, all I can
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say is thank you very, very much.
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I'm really appreciative of each and every one of you.
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Welcome to Trauma free relationship.
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I'm your host, Tom Phil, and I've been working for years with
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adults who struggle with relational trauma to regain
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trust in themselves and others so that they can experience a
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safe and secure relationship. Let's get started, OK?
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As I mentioned at the outset that we're going to talk about 3
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words today that trauma survivors struggle to say in
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their relationships. Some of these might surprise
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you, maybe some of them won't. But some of them, I think, are a
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little bit different than what you might have expected.
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So the first one we're going to start with is the word no.
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Now, I've done a whole nother podcast on having to set
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boundaries, not specifically around the word no, but just why
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it's hard to set boundaries. So you could always go back and
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listen to that one as well. But the word no can be very
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difficult for trauma survivors to be able to say to a partner
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and especially if they've got a history of neglect, abandonment,
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abuse, because saying no often feels unsafe.
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Maybe no led to punishment or withdrawal of love or rejection.
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So internally saying no feels dangerous to a trauma survivor,
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especially if they've got that history of neglect, abandonment
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or abandonment. And it it could actually be
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dangerous because of the consequences of what they got
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before previously when they said no, their partner withdrew from
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them or withheld love. Or maybe it got really big and
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really scary and really emotionally, if not physically,
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perhaps abusive. And So what happens is over
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time, the individual that's trying to survive that does
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indeed adapt, because if the human being is nothing else,
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they are adaptable and they find a way to adapt to even the worst
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of circumstances. So many trauma survivors do
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adapt to this and they adapt this sort of fawning or people
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pleasing kind of pattern. And so that becomes their
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survival strategy. And it's a brilliant survival
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strategy. It's very simple.
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Oh, I just don't say no. I don't resist people.
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I focus on others. I attuned to them more than I
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worry about them attuning to me. And I just make sure I
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overextend myself. I just make sure I never say no.
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I just make sure everybody else feels OK.
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But if you can get a trauma survivor to stop and slow down
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and really examine internally the cost of that, they'll come
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up with a huge cost. Because the cost of that is a
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cost to the part of themselves. A cost to a part of themselves
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that can be empowered to set boundaries.
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A cost to a part of themselves that can have a voice and
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advocate for themselves when they need to stand up for
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themselves, stick up for themselves, defend what they
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feel is right, at least in the moment.
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And so there's a huge cost to not being able to say no.
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And it's just a 2 letter word, but it is a powerful, powerful
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word to say. And as I often say, no is a
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complete sentence. It needs no other explanations.
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No period is a complete sentence.
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It doesn't need a bunch of examples about why this doesn't
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work or why you can't do it, or it doesn't need a bunch of
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explanations. It can just be a no.
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And in my other podcast that that dives a little bit deeper
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into this one particular subject, I talked about a couple
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of phrases that you could just have in your pack back pocket.
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And I want to give those to you now because I think those are
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important. And that is that you can say, no
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thank you. That doesn't work for me, but I
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appreciate the offer or thank you for thinking of me.
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No thank you. I don't really feel like that
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would be a good fit. No thank you.
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That doesn't really feel like that would be something I'm
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interested in. So there's there's all kinds of
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phrases that you could use. Another one is that doesn't work
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for me or I need time to think this over.
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And the power of the pause is another example I gave because
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that one's really important to being able to say, you know,
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that's really interesting. Give me some time to think about
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that. I may need a little bit of time
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to, to think about. That is always OK.
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It's always OK in my life and in my, my business especially, I
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never make rash decisions. Sometimes I probably wait too
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long for things, but I've learned that it's always OK to
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say, Huh, that's interesting. I'll have to think about that
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for a while. If I want to move forward, I'll
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get back with you. But thank you for the offer or
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thank you for thinking of me. Appreciate your, your call or
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appreciate you coming by to see me.
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But I'll have to think about that.
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So always being able to say no thank you or I need, I need time
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to think about this is important because what happens otherwise
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is those boundaries get blurred in our relationships when we
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can't just simply say no or or thank you.
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I'll have to think about it. And what happens is the person
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ends up building this resentfulness.
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They end up feeling exhausted and often times invisible.
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When you have a partner that's not able to simply say no and
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the IT it impacts the relationship too, because your
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partner doesn't understand what your true needs are and they
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don't see that things are building up inside you.
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They only see it when you might get really angry and explode
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over something that's completely unrelated to that particular
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subject. Maybe you feel like your
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partner's been running over you for years and all of a sudden
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you come home and the dishes are piled up in the sink and you
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explode. Well, it's not really about the
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dishes. This is just one more thing
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where you feel like you're being taken advantage of just in that
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example. And so these things can build up
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inside of us, these resentments and this exhaustion, this giving
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part of ourselves away constantly to others without
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being able to have a, an adequate balance there.
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So being able to say no is really important in our
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relationships and in our life, whether it's at work with a
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colleague or whether it's a solicitor that calls on the
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phone. Being able to say no is is
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vastly important to our post traumatic growth.
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And so being able to just practice this in small pieces.
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And as I said, start with just little micro boundaries.
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Start with small things like no thank you.
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Maybe it's at a coffee shop, you know, do you want cream in that?
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No thank you. Maybe that's not a problem to
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set a boundary there because you hate cream in your coffee, but
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you get the idea. So start small.
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What's a, what's a small little thing that I could say no to
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today? And I don't need any explanation
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beyond that. I can just say no thanks.
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Or how can I practice these little lines?
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Like, you know, I'll have to think about that.
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That's an interesting offer. I don't know what I want to do
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yet, but give me some time or you know what, let me think
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about that. I'll have to get back to you if
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I want to move forward. So being able to start small
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and, and set small boundaries and practice these boundaries
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and practice the word saying no, I can be very empowering to
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regain that sense of yourself, to empower that part of you that
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is calm and competent and capable and connected and is
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able to get in touch often times with your true needs that are
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just screaming sometimes to be heard and to be seen by others.
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But they get masked under this fawning strategy and, and they
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don't get seen or heard as much. OK, that's the first one.
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What about #2 this one might surprise you a little bit.
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Maybe it doesn't. This is the word help.
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And I see this a lot. Trauma survivors, often times
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you do not know that they have trauma.
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I, I've said on in front of couples and individuals for
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decades, practically. And unless I start digging a
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little bit below the surface, unless I start doing a good
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attachment history from them, then I might never know.
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Because on the outside, it looks like maybe they've got it all
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together and they've learned again how to adapt.
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And their protectors have learned how to keep them
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together day-to-day and hold all that trauma at Bay until a
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certain time or a certain place where they can sort of just let
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it out. But it's really important to be
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able to understand below the surface that a lot of times
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they're not doing well. I think about like a a duck on
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the water right on the top of the water, a duck looks like
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it's traveling really smooth, but underneath its legs and feet
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may be paddling like hell. And so sometimes that's how I
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picture trauma survivors on the inside is there they're using so
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much energy. They are are putting so much
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effort into just maintaining and trying to stay in the window of
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tolerance and trying to to stay in that part of them that's
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calm, cool, collected, competent and, and connected.
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And and they use a lot of energy every day doing that.
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And they would never be able to say help.
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So trauma survivors often grow up environments where asking for
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help meant disappointment, it meant criticism.
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And again, it usually caused some kind of danger.
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Going to your caretakers, going to your adult partner and saying
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help, I'm not doing well can be actually a really dangerous
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thing to say because it maybe it got you bad consequences.
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So that was a danger, not a relief.
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You didn't have anybody in your life be able to show up for you,
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to be able to sit with you when you're doing poorly, to be able
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to step alongside you and say you are not alone in this, I am
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here with you. Your cry for help has been
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heard. And so instead, it became a
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danger cue. And as a result, they feel like
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they had to do everything themselves.
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And as a result, it, it became a huge burden.
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I'm alone in this world. Nobody can help me.
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I never asked for help, but that does that's beside the point.
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Somebody should see that I'm struggling.
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And what I see often times in relationships is the partner
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doesn't always see that you're struggling.
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What they see is somebody that can sort of do it all but
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doesn't recognize that they're drowning under the surface, that
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inside they may feel like they're drowning.
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So the couples can get into this cycle where one partner let's
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the other partner do the vast majority of the functioning.
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There's a name for this. We call them over functioners
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and under functioners at times, especially around things like
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housework and stuff like that. And so one partner can
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oftentimes recognize, not recognize, excuse me, when their
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other partner, the trauma survivors actually drowning
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right there. They're trying to do everything
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they can to keep it all together.
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And again, it can just sort of this resentment can grow inside
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of them. And So what happens is it they
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can be more isolated. They can, as I said, become an
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over functioner. They can burn out.
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They can come in and scream about the smallest thing that's
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not really about, oh, you didn't vacuum me today.
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Now I've lost it because I just asked you to do that one thing.
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And so it's not really about vacuuming.
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It's really about how I don't feel like I've got a partner
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that can help me, but I'm also not really saying that I need
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help. And so it can really break down
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intimacy. And I don't just mean sexual
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intimacy. I mean, just the emotional bond
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in a couple because the one partners doesn't always
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recognizing that the other partner needs help and the other
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partner isn't always asking. So being able to say help is an
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extremely powerful thing to do. And, and even being able to
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communicate that one word to your partner shows tremendous
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post traumatic growth. Because now all of a sudden
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you're relearning, you're retraining your, your brain to
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be able to recognize when you might need help and then be able
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to actually communicate that to your partner and communicate it
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in a way that your protective part doesn't just show up and
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say it out of anger and frustration.
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And it's the last straw because your partner's likely going to
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put up their walls or shut down, or they're going to only hear
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that you're, you've lost it with them.
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But be able to show up in a way that says I'm feeling really
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vulnerable here because I'm feel like I'm drowning on the inside
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and I need help. Maybe I need help, you know, not
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just around the house. Maybe I need, I need help you
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attuning to me more. Maybe I need help because I need
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you to help me fill up my emotional bucket.
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It's running dry and I don't have much left or it feels like
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it's overflowing and I've got 0 capacity and I need you to
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attune to me. I need you to check in with me
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more. I need you to inquire more about
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my emotional life because I feel like I'm running on empty.
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So being able to communicate that in a more soft, vulnerable
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way is very important. So if you're going to start
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working on this, how can I say help more in my relationships,
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Start small, start with low stakes, you know, start with a
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simply asking for something teeny tiny.
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Hey, today, it's your day off and I want you to enjoy it.
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But by the time I get home tonight, would you mind doing
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the dishes for me? I'd really appreciate it.
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Or, hey, tonight when I get home, can we just talk about it
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'cause I just got a day that's already making me anxious and
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I'd love to be able to just talk about that day and have somebody
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be able to just attune to me and, and want to listen to it.
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Do you mind if we take some time when I get home to do that?
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So start small. Start with little things that
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don't feel overwhelming. You don't have to be drowning
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and at your, at your last straw, so to speak, in order to then be
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able to ask for help. I want you to be able to sort of
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walk back from the edge of the Cliff and recognize when you
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need help sooner so that that you can ask for it then, because
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that's when you really need it, when it starts to build low and
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slow, not when it's at 100% or at capacity and you feel like
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you've got nothing left. So, you know, help isn't just
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about dependence, it's about interdependence.
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And a lot of trauma survivors, they don't ask for help because
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they feel like, well, if I do that, I'm dependent on that
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other person. And that's not the way healthy
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relationships work. Healthy relationships thrive
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when there's both people that are giving and receiving and the
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flow goes both ways in the relationship.
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So help isn't a dirty word. It's not a four letter.
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Well, it is a four letter word actually, but it's not the four
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letter word I was thinking of. Sorry.
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Sometimes I think I'm funny when I'm really not.
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But it is a four letter word, but it's not the one I was going
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to going to say. But help is not a dirty word and
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it shouldn't be. And it shouldn't be a word of
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last resort in your life or in your relationships.
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OK #3 The third word that can be so difficult for trauma
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survivors to say in their relationship is sorry.
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And this comes a couple of different ways. 1 is that sorry
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can be too often. It can be apologizing or over
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apologizing because actually what you've learned is this is
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how you keep the peace. And so being just saying you're
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sorry immediately doesn't really know what you're sorry about,
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but you're just don't want your partner to get upset.
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So that can be one way that sorry can be difficult for
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people because it's not really a true apology.
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Really. It's more of an attempt by an
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individual not to cause an argument, not for for their
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partner not to get upset for this thing, not to escalate into
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an argument or a fight. And so sorry really comes about
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appeasement, and it really is about a an attempt to.
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Avoid any rough or difficult or strong emotions that might
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emerge out of that conversation. So sorry sometimes for the over
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apologizer. Apologizer is because it's an
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avoidant tactic. Now, on the other hand, you can
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have people that never say sorry or rarely ever, because for
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them, apologizing can trigger shame and it can trigger the
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fear of being bad. So instead of repairing, instead
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of apologizing, they just shut down and get defensive.
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Or they may just move on, sweep it under the rug.
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So I, I can't tell you the number of times I, I've, you
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know, been with a, with couples and asking, you know, do you
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come back and repair this? And we've, I've done many
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podcasts on repair, so you can go back and listen to those
21:05
anytime you want because I think that's such a huge, huge piece
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of being able to work through trauma is learning how to repair
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disruptions and ruptures in a relationship.
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But I see this a lot where one person will never apologize now
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they'll soften, they'll come back and they'll make repair
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attempts. Meaning that what they'll do is
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they'll come back and they'll start talking to their partner
21:28
again and they'll use a softer tone or they'll stop talking to
21:32
their partner again in ways that kind of is a reset.
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But it's never really coming back to the issue at hand or
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never really taking responsibility for their role in
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what happened. And so over apologizers can
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minimize their worth and actually confuses the partner,
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where as a never apologizing actually prevents repair and it
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actually erodes trust over time because the person never comes
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back and says, you know, I got I got so emotional there.
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I, I flipped my lid, I popped out of the window, I went into
22:10
fight or flight. And man, I'm sorry.
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I was wrong for that. You were just trying to
22:14
communicate something and clearly I got triggered and and
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that's on me. That's not on you.
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And so I'm sorry I raised my voice.
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I'm sorry I got defensive. I'm, I'm sorry maybe for the
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things I said when I, I didn't mean them, whatever that might
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be. Being able to come back and
22:32
apologize is crucial to being able to go back into the
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original subject matter and trying to actually get some some
22:40
kind of closure on it, some kind of understanding and also being
22:44
able to understand why it escalated in the first place.
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Now, conversely, the over apologizer, they need to stop
22:53
using apology as a way to avoid what their partner might be
22:57
feeling or might say in the relationship.
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So they don't need to walk on egg shells.
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They need to let their partner have their feelings and they
23:06
need to be able to tolerate those feelings without
23:08
minimizing dismissing them or over apologizing as as an
23:13
avoidant, A tactic. So this is really important as
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well. You know, sorry should be about
23:21
accountability, not survival, right?
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And so not saying you're sorry ever or over apologizing always
23:31
our survival tactics. There are ways your bodies learn
23:35
to keep the peace or to prevent from going into shame or feeling
23:40
bad as a person because you were you were shamed in the past or
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you grew up in an environment where it nobody ever apologized
23:50
because they couldn't tolerate in any way being wrong.
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I see this a lot with my my adults of of immature parents
24:00
right where they had a parent that never apologized, never
24:04
took accountability for the way they handled something.
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And so it's almost a learned behavior in that response.
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So how do we work on this? How do we work on apologizing or
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saying sorry? Well, first of all, if you over
24:17
apologize, stop and pause and ask yourself, am I actually
24:22
responsible here? Or am I just doing this to avoid
24:26
any escalation or uncomfortable emotions either in myself or my
24:31
partner? Because more often than not,
24:33
this is an avoidant tactic or you're just saying sorry because
24:37
you don't want your partner to to get upset or yell or
24:41
whatever. Now, if you struggle to
24:44
apologize in the 1st place, maybe try writing it down first.
24:49
Maybe send your partner a written note, a text as a way to
24:53
try to connect so that maybe that can try trade some of the
24:58
the shame that that would you, that would, it would bring up
25:01
for you and in a way that feels a little more safe.
25:06
But it's really important to be able to take accountability for
25:09
your role in what happens. It's not enough to say, well, I
25:13
wouldn't get so angry. Well, I would apologize if or
25:16
but you can't, you can't look outside yourself and blame other
25:21
people for the way you respond. You've got to be able to take
25:25
accountability for the way you respond.
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It's there's real behavior there.
25:29
There's real lack of accountability and not being
25:33
able to say you're sorry for your role in something is an
25:38
example of that. Now, that doesn't mean you're
25:40
responsible for everything. And I think sometimes for the
25:44
person that that never apologized, apologizes.
25:48
I think that's often times where they take it or what it feels
25:51
like, well, if I say I'm sorry, that it means I'm sorry for
25:54
everything. No, it doesn't.
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You're just sorry for you. You're just sorry for how you
25:59
handle it. You're not sorry for the way
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your partner handled it. You didn't force them to handle
26:04
it in a certain way, but you have to take accountability for
26:07
the way that you show up and the way that you might not say sorry
26:14
in your relationships. So we've looked at three small
26:19
but powerful words today, no help and sorry.
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And every one of these sort of touches the core of of trauma.
26:28
Healing boundaries isn't about no.
26:32
Help is about vulnerability and sorry is about accountability.
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Let me say that again because I think that's really important
26:39
when we talk about it in our relationships.
26:42
No is about being able to set boundaries for yourself.
26:46
Help is about making yourself vulnerable enough that you're
26:49
reaching out to others. And sorry is about
26:53
accountability in your relationships.
26:56
And, and here's the truth. We all struggle with these
26:59
words, but it doesn't mean that you're broken.
27:03
It means that you've adapted in order to survive.
27:07
And I emphasize this over and over and over.
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If you struggle with these 3 words, it's not because you're
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broken as a person, it's because your body has learned to adapt
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to an adverse environment and you've adapted because that's
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what human beings do. We adapt to survive.
27:24
And so these are survival strategies for you.
27:27
But now, now you have a chance to practice something new.
27:31
So start small and start in a relatively Safeway.
27:37
All right, Thank you so much for listening again.
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I can't believe this is my 100th podcast.
27:44
Reach out to me, let me know what you like.
27:46
Let me know what you want to hear more of.
27:48
Until then, I'm Tom Phillip, reminding you to stay grounded,
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clear and connected.