Latest / Nightmare Success In and Out / 3yrs of Solitary Confinement doesn’t break but transforms his life- Carlos Vasquez

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3yrs of Solitary Confinement doesn’t break but transforms his life- Carlos Vasquez · Nightmare Success In and Out

0:01
What happens when he works here? Becomes your reality.
0:04
Hi. I'm Brent, Cassidy.
0:05
Welcome to the nightmare success.
0:07
And Now podcast, we explore how to overcome your fears and
0:11
Nightmares is set yourself free. We're going to be exploring this
0:14
topic with guys that was in Leavenworth with and others who
0:17
survived their own nightmare. These stories can be inspiring.
0:21
Sometimes sad, there's some humor but hopefully you can come
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away with a nugget of something that will help you knock down
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some of the prisons. You Built up in your own mind.
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Alright, we're back folks, nightmares success in and out.
0:38
And I want to give a shout out real quick to Peter, Meyerhoff.
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He was nice enough to connect me up with a guest here today,
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Carlos Vasquez. And, you know, we talked about
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on this show. What happens when your worst
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fear becomes your reality, how do you adapt?
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How do you survive? What do you do with that?
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And Louis is story fits so well into this program was just
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telling them before we got on. It's just a true transformation.
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Inspirational story. Just a real quick recap Carlos.
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He got sentenced to a 20-year sentence when he was 19 years
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old and for robbery got shoved into a maximum security and even
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within all that, he got into the prison politics, became a shot,
1:26
caller on the yard and through through that time that he was in
1:31
there and what he's doing now since he's got out, he's using
1:34
all that experience. He's become a popular
1:37
motivational speaker. He's a coach before we get into
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2:37
So Carlos, welcome. So so honored to have you on
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today. Thank you.
2:43
Thank you. Thank you for having me.
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So Carlos, you're in, Los Angeles, as that, where you grew
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up? Yeah, I grew up in LA, from La
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of out here, back in La, after I got out.
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So, yeah, so I'm about So, tell me a little bit because I can't
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imagine you did 17 years. You've been out in 19 months and
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you're already making a splash doing something that you're
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passionate about. You're going and speaking to
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kids, you've been back to the prison.
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I read that, that you were back in the prison, like, 90 days
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after you had been there, which we're going to get into all that
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because I can't imagine that soon back and what that was
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like. But give everybody a little
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taste of what Carlos was, like as a kid growing up.
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What was your? What was Experience growing up
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as a kid. Yeah, okay yeah, well growing
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up. You know, I grew up, you know,
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like like I guess you could say a regular kid, you know, I grew
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up in a good neighborhood with both.
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My parents, my sister, it was a Suburban neighborhood, you know,
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life was good. I never felt, you know, in
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danger. I never felt like mistreated
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everything, you know, felt good. I went to Catholic school.
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You know what to church? They got straight A's and School
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play baseball. You know, that was my passion
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and what position? It just goes catcher.
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Catcher Mike yeah put all that stuff on occasion.
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Yeah and my favorite player was Mike Piazza, you know you know I
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looked up to him back then and so yeah.
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And you know playing baseball was like the first introduction.
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I had to like you know, teamwork and the importance of it and
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leadership as well. That's where I kind of
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identified, you know, some like natural leadership within me,
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you know? And as a catcher you got to
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like, like catcher Which I believe are kind of leaders of
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the team when you're out there so but yeah, grew up good,
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everything was fine. But you know, everything changed
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like around, 13 years old, my father left.
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He was the one person I looked up to most he just he got up and
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left and walked out of our Lives, you know, he created
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another family and secrecy, and it came out.
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And at the end of the day, he decided to go to the rest of his
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life with them. And that was like, crushing not
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only to me, but to my mother, and to my sister, Are, you know,
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the impact that it had on my mother and sister really
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impacted me? And, you know, they started to,
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you know, have their fights and blamed each other for why he
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left even though it was none of their fault.
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My sister got pregnant when she was 16 years old.
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My mom had to take on two jobs. She was going through
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depression, we had to leave our neighborhood.
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We moved to a neighborhood. That wasn't so good from the
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neighborhood. That was really good and I ran
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and I ran away, you know, it was the only Only way I knew how to
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deal with what was going on in my life and so I ran away into
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the streets. And you know, when I was 13
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years old and and that's where everything changed, you know, I
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was homeless, you know, 40 knots?
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I was 14, I was homeless. I was sleeping in the back of a
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car and apartment complex. I was addicted to drugs.
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I was doing crime stealing and then met gang members and gang
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members became like my father figures.
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You know, I was like one of them because most of them.
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Didn't have their fathers and their fathers were in prison or
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dead. So they took me in and you know
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you all do, you know they showed me the wrong way to live.
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They showed me how to sell drugs.
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They show me how to shoot, they show me how to do all these
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things, but they took me in, you know, and they showed me the
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only love that I knew at that time.
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And so I became one, I became a gang member when I was 14 years
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old and when they took you in Carlos because you were homeless
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at the time, did they also give you a place to Hang out and live
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and be with them. Well yeah, like that was the
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thing. Like, you know, some of the gang
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members that I met were mostly older than me and, you know,
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they took me they were like, hey, you can sleep, you know, on
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the floor my room or even their parent like their mother or
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their, a lot of them are raised by their grandparents was like,
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you know? Yeah.
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You could sleep here tonight or and so that's what I was like,
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you know, kind of like wow. Like these are people that
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barely know me, but there they understand what I'm going
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through and they open their door for me.
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And that's why I feel like a stand.
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Like I had to be loyal to them, you know, and Loyalty came
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through, whatever I had to do. Yeah.
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And unfortunately, in the gang environment, you know when
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you're loyal, you take take a life and you willing to give
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your life and that's the mindset that I had and I had developed,
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you know. So yeah, they took me in and
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showed me how to survive, not just have a place to live, but
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showed me how to make my own money and do things to survive
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in the streets. Did your when you were going
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through all this because I mean, you're just a teenager at the
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time, I mean there's so many things, you know, teenagers are
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dealing with so many. Things when they don't have to
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deal with that. Did you have any connection back
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to your sister or your mom as you were going through all that?
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Yeah, I did. You know I you know, I would go
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back there and I would, you know, see them.
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And I would take my mother money because, you know, once I
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started to sell drugs and do robberies, I would take her
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money and you know, she would accept it.
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She knew what I was doing and it was almost like it.
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She felt that she couldn't take care of me anymore.
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So that was the sense that I got.
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And then, you know, my sister, you know, she was like she
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didn't want me around I think because I'm, she had her kid and
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she had another Right after that, as she knew my mother
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became like their parents. Yeah.
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Their mother because she wanted to still go do her thing and
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party. So my mother took on the
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responsibility of them. So, in a way, my mother couldn't
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handle me. I couldn't deal with me, so
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yeah, I would go through there, but it was never felt like home,
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you know, I always left and I always knew my home was in the
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streets and that's what I felt at the time.
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And but there wasn't, you know, a day.
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They went by back then back then.
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Did I wasn't afraid in those streets.
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I just never showed it. It but after a while that fear
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just turned just hardened me, you know, and I became callous
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and and but definitely had to put on my mask you know, to
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survive because if they really knew what I was feeling inside I
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wouldn't have never made it. But yeah like like you know
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you're showing it was it was natural retrospect.
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It was a nightmare for me at first and you know I'd still to
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this day I'm surprised I made it to where I'm at today.
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Like no I think it's what's so incredible about your story is
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First of all, you lived, you know, you made it.
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Yeah. Living in that world, you could
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have easily had died at a very early age.
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So as you, I'm assuming that things just kind of progress for
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you, you know, you got in just selling drugs, you got probably
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older and given more responsibility and that was your
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family. Can you lead us through when you
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got the big nightmare, hit with the robbery and how that all
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went down for you? Yeah, yeah.
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So I was no robberies and, you know, robbing banks and doing
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all those things became like a normal thing and besides,
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selling drugs and doing anything I could to get money became like
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a normal thing, you know, just it was just keep doing it.
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Keep doing it, you're getting away with it back, then you
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don't think about like consequences and so, but there
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was one like person that came into my life when I was 16 years
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old, his name was Chris and he was three years older than me.
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And he was like a big brother. He was really the one that
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showed me how to survive. He embraced me the most, we
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connected like became like brothers.
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And, you know, when I was 16 years old, he committed suicide
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in front of me and that light, you know, that really changed me
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because I was already, you know, in the streets of gang member
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violent, but that made me even more violent, you know, and
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maybe get deeper into drugs and kept me up, because I couldn't
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sleep, because of the nightmares, you know, reliving
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that event over and over, you know, when you see somebody died
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at close to you, that you're close to Like you just can't
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forget it, you know? And it never goes away and even
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today it's like it's still with me but I'm just strong enough to
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deal with it now back then I wasn't, you know, so that that
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led me to become more violent and with more violence, you
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know, I wanted to do bigger crime so you know, I committed a
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home invasion armed robbery and the people that I robbed were
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drug dealers, you know, and not to minimize it, you know,
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there's its not right regardless, but You know, I was
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I was praying on anybody that I can you know, to try to excel
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myself out there in the streets and build my reputation and get
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the money that I wanted. So yeah, I committed a home
11:34
invasion or armed robbery and ended up going getting sentenced
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to 20 years in prison. And in, you know, and not
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admitting what I did taking the responsibility, what I did and
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getting my 20 years and going to prison when I was 19, let's talk
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about that because cuz that's a lot of time and and is a kid at
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19. What was it?
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An investigation and they and they found you and then brought
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you in or did you get caught in the act and then you were
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arrested? And how did that?
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How did that moment happen when you finally got arrested for
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this crime? Yes.
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Oh, I had, you know, I was on the run for jewelry store
12:16
robbery already and in the midst of being on the Run being hunted
12:20
down, you know, I committed to home invasion robbery so, which
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actually made the news. So so there was a lot of
12:27
Public's closure to it. So like I couldn't go anywhere
12:31
like they were kicking in doors of everybody.
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I knew so I had to leave the state so I fled to Arizona, I
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stayed out there with some people I knew and for nine
12:40
months and I went on the run and the US Marshals were looking.
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For me and and they got me because one of my friends that
12:46
already was in prison, gave him information on where to find me
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and they were able to locate me and find me and you know, I got
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into a high-speed chase and you know got caught and it's so
12:58
crazy because, you know, I always knew that I always had
13:01
this thing that I was never going to go to prison that I was
13:03
going to shoot it out and I used to roll around everywhere with
13:06
my gun. And the day that I got caught, I
13:09
didn't have my gun, you know, I left it at my friend's house to
13:12
go to the Store, briefly, and then that moment is when I got
13:15
caught, and that's another thing I always think about, like, had
13:19
I had the gun. I wouldn't even be here today.
13:21
So yeah, they put me in the police car and they told me like
13:25
I would never be free again. Literally told me that like it's
13:29
the last time you'll ever see the streets again and then they
13:32
took me to jail and what was going through your mind?
13:35
What was going through your mind, Carlos in the back of that
13:37
car. When that happened we had to be
13:40
an adrenaline thing that you just been through a car.
13:42
Jason, and they've got you and they've thrown you in the back
13:46
there and say this, is it Yeah, sense of relief, you know,
13:51
because being on the run is not easy, you know, it's very
13:54
stressful. It's challenging and trying to
13:56
navigate that away. So, a sense of relief, but also,
14:01
like, just like, just, I was angry because I let them catch
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me, you know, I felt at that time, that was angry about that.
14:08
Like I did, I wasn't able to go out the way I wanted to go out,
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and but, you know, all those emotions and I went in soon as I
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hit jail. You know, it was like okay it
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now it's time to change my mindset, you know, it's a war
14:25
zone. Now, you know, because as a gang
14:27
member, you know, you walk into place like that.
14:30
It's a war zone. So that had to had to shift.
14:32
I had to stop thinking about all the what-ifs and stuff and just
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focus on them and there and making it through there.
14:39
You know, and building the only thing I had left, which was my
14:42
name and reputation. So when you get to them, The day
14:49
of and they judge hands down, twenty years, were you thinking
14:54
you were going to get 20 years? I thought I was going to get
14:58
life because the whole time that I was fighting my case, there
15:01
was never offering me, no, plea deal.
15:03
They always said you're going to get life because of the gang
15:05
enhancement because the kidnapping that was involved
15:08
because of the press crimes. Like, you know, you were done,
15:11
you know, they were your struck out.
15:13
You have multiple felonies. So, yeah, I was facing life the
15:16
whole time that I was fighting my case for a year and the only
15:20
reason why they offered me 20 years, and because there was a
15:23
big murder that had just occurred in Los Angeles at the
15:27
Time in the judge had took on that case and they wanted to
15:29
just get me out of the way that reason and because the victims
15:34
were, you know, like I said drug dealers, so a lot they were
15:38
feeling I think they were feeling that they weren't going
15:40
to show up, you know, that they weren't going to be there, but
15:43
it was a roll of the dice. Like if they showed up, then I
15:46
get life if they don't. Then you know, then I might
15:50
potentially get off. So when they offered me, 20
15:53
years for me, it was almost like it was Of to take it.
15:58
But in my mind, like, I had already thought I was going to
16:01
go away for the rest of my life. So, yeah.
16:03
So I took it, you know, and yeah, and it was tough, but I
16:10
wasn't even thinking that far ahead.
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I like, let me just focus on making it one day at a time and
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that was it. Yeah.
16:16
Yeah. And that's what you got to do.
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I mean, there's no way especially, you know, we talked
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about this a lot but you know in prison you can't look too far
16:24
ahead, you know it's overwhelming, right?
16:27
And it gets to be but you get the 20 years, you get sentenced
16:31
to a maximum security. Can you walk us through your
16:34
your day getting to that maximum security and what's going
16:39
through your mind that this is going to be my new home?
16:43
Yeah, I mean even from County Jail, you know, just people
16:47
constantly telling me like was soon as you get there.
16:49
You you have to you know, immediately you know, earn your
16:53
bones like so to speak. And just because like as a gang
16:57
member going in as young as I was, it was like, you're going
17:00
to have to do something. You know, somebody's going to
17:02
test you somebody's going to want so so you have to go in
17:05
there and first chance you get, you know, prove that you're not
17:09
somebody to be messed with and so I that wasn't stilled in my
17:12
brain. Before I walked in there, so
17:13
that's the mice that I went in with.
17:16
Plus I was at that point it was no longer like fear within me.
17:20
I didn't care about my life. I didn't care about anybody
17:22
else's life. I wasn't afraid anymore.
17:26
Like I used to be and so I didn't care.
17:28
And so, like, almost a sense of like one thing about going to
17:32
prison is like it's a sense of like just you wonder what's
17:39
going to happen, like it's almost like an exciting feeling
17:42
like when When you, when you were young, like I was and
17:45
didn't have nothing but just like a name and reputation to
17:48
keep and build and and you have that ego and play.
17:51
So that was so I walked in there with that mindset.
17:55
And, you know, I was luckily enough to be placed in a, the,
18:00
my first cellmate was, it was a guy who had already been in
18:03
there. 20 years, he was a gang members.
18:05
Well, he taught me everything. He taught me, told me everything
18:09
I needed to know to survive in there and it wasn't for him.
18:12
Who knows what happened? But yeah.
18:16
So I went in there and first opportunity I had, you know, I
18:20
was participated in violence to show everybody that, you know?
18:24
Okay, this is somebody that's, you know, it's you don't mess
18:27
with it. Yeah, leave it alone.
18:29
And yeah and every chance I got. I did that.
18:33
So well it's I mean, it's an incredible thing that you got
18:36
with somebody that really showed you the ropes.
18:38
And I think that, you know, Carlos talking to a lot of
18:42
different people. Are going to prison more times
18:44
than not. That seems like that happens.
18:45
You know, you've you don't know what to think when you walk
18:48
through the gates. But it's interesting how because
18:53
I think jail so much different than prison, you know that you
18:56
know, jail, so transitory, you know, people in and out and when
19:01
you get to that prison world, you know, you're living and that
19:03
that is that's everybody society and you have you have to figure
19:08
out you're in a survival mode of.
19:10
Okay, how do I live in? World.
19:13
How do I add? I make this work for me on a
19:15
daily basis. So how did you make that work
19:21
for you? What did you have?
19:23
Because I know that your prison world and life changed as you
19:27
were in prison and you went in, hardened went in didn't care.
19:32
So those, I'm sure those first few years were a lot different
19:35
than the, the years that you were going through your
19:39
transformation of who you are now.
19:43
Definitely like my first ten years, you know, I was worse
19:47
than when I went in and, you know, I hated Authority.
19:50
You know, I felt like the correction officers and police
19:54
officers were my enemy and so I got into, you know, a lot of
19:57
altercations with them. But also, I also learned
20:01
throughout that 10 years to that, you know, that you have to
20:06
abide by some type of rules, no matter where you're at in life.
20:09
And even in there, you know what you do, can, you know, Others.
20:14
So so you know I learnt that and that and you know, like there
20:18
was times when you know the correctional guards would you
20:22
know, threaten me, you know, threatened to do them back then
20:24
like they would do is they would take a guy, a young guy or
20:27
whatever and put them in the cell with a rapist, you know?
20:30
And they were known for doing that kind of stuff or, you know,
20:33
when I was in Corcoran during the times when they were doing
20:35
Gladiator school, and they would set up like, fights out on the
20:39
yard, just one-on-one and make bets on them and things like
20:42
that. I was amongst all that.
20:43
That. So I learned to they like you
20:46
have to use your brain, you have to play chess and there and
20:49
that's why I'm not the biggest dude.
20:51
Like I'm not, you know, I mean like in prison I was well I was
20:55
170. You know, I'm 200 now and so the
20:58
way I survived in there was all mental like it was just a mind,
21:02
you know, by me navigating myself playing chess and
21:05
organizing and I think that's what like eventually made me a
21:07
shot callers because it wasn't that I was the baddest killer in
21:10
there that I was biggest, dude. And I had the most I'm and it
21:13
was just, it was all the mindset.
21:16
And yeah, the mine helped me get through that like everything for
21:19
me, like reading from studying to writing.
21:22
Yeah. To like, like being able to
21:25
maneuver through that world and survive, like, using my mind.
21:29
And at the last always knowing that eventually, you have to
21:33
some point get physical, that just comes with it.
21:35
But I mean, there's people in there to get killed those people
21:38
in there, they get on drugs, there's people in there to get
21:41
caught up in situations and Like the reason why I think I made it
21:45
through those ten years was because of that, you know, just
21:48
my mindset to and but I was still destructive.
21:51
I was still, you know, a really bad person and yeah, it for at
21:57
least the first 10 years. Well, being a shock collar on
21:59
the yarn. I mean, that's a whole different
22:01
world, you know, that's a prison politics, you know, it's
22:07
different. You know, it's all about respect
22:09
and it's, you know, then then you've got all these different
22:11
layers of what happens. Within that world and I'm sure
22:15
in a maximum-security. That's a hell of a lot different
22:17
than a medium, a low or camp. But what happened to you though?
22:23
Because I and reading it seems like the and I just I'm pushing
22:30
this out there because I don't know if this is actually what
22:33
transpired for you, but it sounded like you were put in the
22:37
hole for a long time. And when you were in there, and
22:41
I think you were in there for months, was that kind of your
22:45
moment or whatever that Rock Bottom moment, is that you came
22:49
down to your soul to figure out that.
22:51
Hey, I'm I got more to offer. I got more to do.
22:54
What, what happened? How did it happen?
22:57
Yeah, so yeah, it was, you know, you know, I had been in my 13th
23:04
year in about my 13th year in, I had been in and out of the hole
23:07
multiple times while I was in there for months at a time, but
23:10
I would still get out the same person, you know, just worse
23:15
sometimes, you know, but it was the time, it was a different
23:18
time. Was 13 years in and the other 10
23:21
years in and I went and I was put in solitary confinement.
23:24
And, you know, back there for three years this time But it
23:28
that was what changed me in, you know, it wasn't even the three
23:31
years, you know, because I changed the recently released
23:34
solitary confinement for three years.
23:37
Yeah, that's all over the shoe. That's a long time Carlos.
23:40
I mean, I can't even, in fact, I saw a movie because I saw guys,
23:46
it would go into the hole for a couple of months ago.
23:50
Would come back, looking different.
23:51
You were in solitary confinement for three years, you How did
23:55
that? How did you survive that?
23:59
Well, that's, that's what I mean.
24:01
Like, it's crazy. 23 years. It is a long time especially now
24:05
that I'm free, but like I was back there with guys who were
24:08
back there for 20 years. That's that's, and this was back
24:11
before, the big hunger, strike that happened in California,
24:14
they got everybody out of the shoe.
24:16
But there was guys back there for 20, 30 years, and nobody
24:19
knew, nobody cared. And I met a lot of them back
24:22
there. And, but it's still three years.
24:24
Like it's a lot, but it at the time, when you hear that, it's
24:28
really not. And so that does something to
24:31
your mind, it kind of, which is why I know, like, but the three
24:33
years for me, it was the time that like it pretty much.
24:37
Like I want to say like it didn't break me because if it
24:44
would have broke me then, you know, I wouldn't be, I felt if
24:47
it broke me, that I wouldn't be who I am today, but it, it
24:51
allowed me to like, reflect on my life and it allowed me to,
24:57
you know, discover what my purpose is.
24:59
And that was the most important thing and it happened back there
25:02
and it happened because I got to the point of suicide you know
25:06
you know I felt that I was just tired of living you know I felt
25:09
it. I didn't want to be locked up
25:11
anymore. I didn't want to be in solitary,
25:13
I didn't want to live a continue hurting people because I'm
25:17
hurting my mother was hurting my sister.
25:19
I was hurting, you know, people that looked up to me.
25:22
I had an influence on people that were getting life in prison
25:25
because they wanted to do like what I was doing and so I got
25:29
tired of being that and, you know, and I wanted and I, you
25:33
know, I still had nightmares about Chris and I didn't know
25:36
how to deal with that. You know, I wasn't getting help.
25:38
So I came to the point of suicide and like I told
25:42
everybody my story, it was like, literally the day, like the day
25:46
before, I was going to do it. Like a man came up to myself and
25:50
he was a he was a chaplain and he and you know, every now and
25:56
then a chaplain would walk around back there, you know, and
25:59
It was her like nurses and stuff.
26:01
But this chaplain came to my cell door and he called me over.
26:05
And he talked to me, and he challenged me to not give up
26:09
because he knew he saw it in me. He saw something in me and they
26:12
were and he gave me a Bible. He told me to read and it wasn't
26:17
even like it was really because somebody gave me their time and
26:21
actually cared, that's what changed me, I think.
26:23
Like. And that's why I do that.
26:25
Now, I gave my time to others and I really care because I feel
26:28
that's so impactful. So, it's like, yeah, that's
26:30
that's the story right there. Carlos is so powerful.
26:34
You were a day away from taking your own life, and a chaplain
26:38
ends up talking to you and in, probably knowing where you were
26:44
in your mind and that moment changed its, that's incredible.
26:52
Yeah, yeah, at that point. No.
26:54
I just, you know, I opened my Bible and I started reading it
26:57
and then, you know, I next day I started praying and reading and
27:01
then, you know, the next day, I started to just try to connect
27:04
back to God because I remember I went to Catholic school when I
27:07
was younger, and so, I how I was introduced to, you know,
27:11
religion and and then I lost it. But so I so I went back to it
27:15
and I sought I looked for answers in there and I started
27:18
to read other books and try to figure out what Going on within
27:23
me like how I got to that point mentally and because I started
27:26
to reflect back on who I was and I'm like, you know, how did this
27:29
happen? And it was do that, like
27:31
introspection through that, you know, self-studying and through
27:35
all that that that I started to discover like you know, my
27:39
change and it's hard to transform myself in and then
27:43
became confident in, you know, started to have faith and that
27:47
helped me. Go back into general population
27:49
with this new mindset because not knowing what was going to
27:53
happen, you know that's that's like deadly if you for some like
27:57
if you go out there and for me it was almost I got stabbed
28:00
twice when I got out of solitary confinement and went back to
28:02
General population you know because I changed but that's I
28:07
knew that was a part of it but I was going to ask you where that
28:10
was going to ask you because it had to be a heck of a Because of
28:15
the change and your whole different mindset.
28:18
I can't imagine the type of reception you would have had
28:23
because it would have been a whole group of different people
28:25
that you probably were talking to.
28:28
But you were still probably hanging out with the people that
28:31
we were with before you went into solitary.
28:36
Yeah. And, you know, nobody knew who I
28:38
really was back there, you know how I change.
28:40
So everybody remembered me as the old me and how I was.
28:44
And so when I got out, you know, a lot of people, get out of
28:48
solitary and back in general population, and they, you know,
28:52
naturally you're going to be different.
28:53
But then they fall right back into the same stuff, you know,
28:57
the negative stuff. But for me, they knew I was
28:59
serious and it wasn't like, I was walking around, you know?
29:03
Like I was better than anybody. He's I was just Separating
29:06
myself and I was like focused on me and I was like you know,
29:11
taking myself out of situations. I didn't want to longer be a
29:14
shot-caller to destruction and a lot of people don't like that.
29:18
No. And so that happened but you
29:22
know, I dealt with it and you know I got stitched up in myself
29:26
and my friend and you know I shook it off and I got back out
29:30
there and I kept doing what I'm doing and I didn't care like
29:32
whatever happened in eventually. Like, when I first went in, you
29:36
know, you have to prove yourself that was me proving myself to my
29:40
change was real and people started to respect that and and
29:43
it empowered others. You know, I started organizing
29:46
self-help groups, Insight workshops and like older guys
29:50
that were like in there for life sentences.
29:52
Did it been in there? 20 years started to come to
29:54
these groups and we started to have conversions and people were
29:57
opening up and people were actually wanting to change.
30:00
It's just sometimes people need to be empowered by others to do
30:03
it, right? That's That's what I learned.
30:06
Another thing about leadership is, like, leaders are a real
30:09
leader is just another follower. It just, they may be a few steps
30:12
ahead of everybody else, but we're all going toward the same
30:15
Mission. And so, I think the other thing
30:18
Carlos is really interesting about that.
30:20
Is that the other thing about leadership is that you have to
30:23
be authentic, and they have to feel like you're passionate
30:26
about it, they have to feel like You're vulnerable and it sounds
30:31
like to me that when you came back, you had all those things
30:34
lined up and and the people knew that and when you put these
30:39
groups together, I think it probably allowed those people to
30:42
open up to that because you know, people don't open up if
30:47
they feel like somebody's getting to think something about
30:50
them or do something or whatever and you must have had some or
30:53
about you that made people want to come made, people want to
30:59
take their time and and be in a group and try to improve
31:03
themselves which You know, you and I were talking beforehand,
31:06
you know, the prison world, you know, it is one day at a time,
31:11
you know, you try to be try to win that day.
31:12
What? However, you can.
31:14
And then people always say, well, that's kind of weird
31:16
saying to you want to win the day in prison, but I think you
31:18
either got to win the day in prison or when the day outside
31:21
of prison, whatever that is, there's always ones that you can
31:24
find but you were finding. When you came out of solitary,
31:27
you were starting to find winds. And those winds were pulling
31:31
people in helping them and that had to fill you up.
31:34
In a different way than you felt before.
31:38
Yeah, it was that's when I like new like, okay, this is my
31:41
purpose. You know, to you know, spot
31:43
inspired positive change and others every chance I get and
31:47
anybody, you know, so that's what I did.
31:50
You know, any opportunity, I could any chance I got, you
31:53
know, I would work with people in there.
31:55
You know, whether they were people that have been in there
31:56
for a long time or new new guys coming in.
32:00
You know, I became a leading example and and and, you know,
32:04
like before everybody already knew me for who I was before and
32:07
like you said, And I think that, that was kind of that that one
32:11
thing, that that kind of allowed these people to feel comfortable
32:15
to come to my groups and stuff is because like they knew I
32:19
wasn't just some guy who was like coming in and never did
32:22
anything right? And and and you know so so they
32:26
look at the change for me was like so drastic that it was like
32:31
they knew within themselves no matter how bad they were you
32:34
know, they can change like if I could do it, they can do it.
32:37
Gives them hope. I mean they were living with
32:40
you. They knew who you were.
32:42
They knew that you were living your life and by you coming and
32:46
and being a different person and helping people mentoring people
32:51
that instils hope and people you know the like oh my gosh, maybe
32:55
I could maybe I could change and maybe I can better myself, you
33:00
know, people seen that and then feeling it.
33:02
That's that's so much of that's why I'm going back to the
33:05
authentic and the passion and the vulnerability.
33:08
People feel that it's not, something you teach people, you
33:11
know, because people still has he people can be leaders good
33:15
and doing good things and people can be leaders doing bad things.
33:18
But it's something that instills people that I want to follow
33:21
that person or I want to believe in that or really I want to
33:25
Aspire to better myself in some way whether they're going left
33:29
or right, you know. Exactly, exactly.
33:33
I just think it's always, I think it's so interesting when
33:36
somebody Who was living the life, you're living coming to
33:41
that moment? I mean, what would have
33:43
happened? If that chaplain didn't show up,
33:45
I don't know women. What would have happened if you
33:47
would have had a gun that day, you know, when you're in the car
33:50
chase, I don't know. But that's what's so interesting
33:53
about how, you know, lives and so many, you know, forks and you
33:59
know what happened? If you go down this way or that
34:02
way and you chose a way to come out.
34:05
So I'm trying to remember that. When this started have, how many
34:09
years did you have left out of the 17-year we're in with this
34:15
change inside prison? Yes.
34:18
So I have for, you know, once I got out of solitary confinement,
34:21
I did four more years on in general population before I got
34:26
out. So I was technically supposed to
34:28
do the full 20 years and at that time before I changed, I had 20
34:32
years like even right now like like I wasn't supposed to be out
34:36
right now supposed to be out in 2024, that was my earliest
34:39
possible release date. But, you know, the life I was
34:42
living. I mean, the chances of me making
34:45
it to that was very slim because I probably Would have got
34:47
another strike and spent the rest of my life in prison or
34:51
whatever. But so technically, I always
34:53
tell people I right now I'm out here and all this time is like
34:56
like time that I didn't even have.
34:58
Like I one point I didn't have this and it came to me because I
35:01
got out and you know, I finished high school and I wanted, I got
35:04
a college degree, you know, I became a mentor and I earned
35:07
that time, you know, I aren't that time off.
35:10
So I got out three years earlier because I went out there and
35:14
change and so that was another thing, like, The others to do
35:18
that. Like you can do good and you
35:20
could do right, and you're going to see benefits from it, right?
35:22
Like three years, you know, I don't know that.
35:26
But number three, always, 53 years in the shoe.
35:29
Three years. I got out early like that so
35:32
much can happen in three years, right?
35:34
I changed my life in less than three years and I've been out
35:37
here in less than 3 years and I even two years yet and like I've
35:41
accomplished so much so like you know every day counts you know
35:46
you know like Like every day counts Mass, so it's a big deal
35:50
and I, you know, I can't imagine for you Carlos because you went
35:58
in So Young when you finally, you know, you're you know,
36:01
you've got, you know, you finally, you get that post up
36:05
that, you know, you're leaving and this is your out date.
36:07
What did you start thinking? What was going through your
36:10
mind? I like, oh my God, this is, I'm
36:13
this far from the door. Yeah, it was almost like I had a
36:18
mindset back then that you're not out to your out, you know,
36:21
because I had seen so many people get so close to getting
36:24
out and it didn't happen, you know, whether it's something
36:27
like I saw a guy, get killed, you know, a couple of months
36:30
before he was going to go home, you know.
36:32
And so I just always used to tell myself and others that I
36:35
really talk to and respected in there that every day except of
36:38
people that I talk to, you know, I'm out when I'm out, you know,
36:42
when they're doing the doors open up and they let me out,
36:44
that's when I'm free. I know I'm here and I'm just
36:47
going to continue doing what I've been doing.
36:49
And like we said, go back one day at a time.
36:52
And so, I came out with that mindset and, you know, since
36:55
I've been out, I've been living like that, you know, always
36:58
looking forward, but living one day at a time, not dwelling on
37:01
the past and who I was, or my failures along the way.
37:05
And you know what, I can't control but mode just focused on
37:08
now and it works for me, you know, work.
37:11
So that's what I continue to do. So Carla.
37:16
You step out, you finally, get out that day, finally happens.
37:22
What is that day? What happens?
37:24
That day? When you get out 19 months ago,
37:28
man, that's crazy. Yeah, it's wow, it still shocks
37:32
me when I think about it, like, walking out that feeling, you
37:34
know, it's like. So, when I got out, you know,
37:39
it's just like, just like a weight lifted off of me, you
37:42
know, like, I don't longer have to deal with that that Life, you
37:45
know, but not really feeling fully free yet, you know.
37:48
Because I know that, you know, I'm still have to get on parole
37:52
and I still have to, I don't know what's going to happen out
37:54
there in the streets. I don't know who I'm going to
37:57
have to deal with out there. You know, I'm moving, you know,
38:00
away from the area there, where I was, but it's not that far.
38:02
I'm like, you know, even now I'm like, 45 minutes from there.
38:06
So it's a small world, you never know.
38:09
So, but just, you know, that in the moment, you know, like
38:12
living in the moment, you know, just being able to hug my mom,
38:15
Um, and you know, as a free man and as a free changed, man and
38:20
to be able to do what I always wanted to do when I was inside.
38:23
Which was to hear, you know, her tell me that she's proud of me.
38:26
And, you know, and I've my biggest fear was always did
38:30
like, you know, die in prison. And so now when people tell me
38:34
like like nothing, I'm okay because my biggest fears over,
38:40
you know, I don't if I die out here, so be it.
38:42
But like, I just never wanted to die.
38:45
Present and I got out and you know I got to hear my mother
38:49
tell me. She's proud of me.
38:51
Yeah and I got to leave this earth doing something good.
38:56
Not be a destructive person in this earth can be remembered as
38:59
this gang member who was doing all this bad stuff now I so I'm
39:03
at peace with that and so every day I'm at peace and I look at
39:07
life as a gift, you know. So because I know like that it's
39:12
so many different things could happen for me, not to be here.
39:15
Yeah, so that's yeah. So this is the thing I think is
39:18
interesting because it's in your profile, you know you're a
39:23
motivational speaker. Now you get up, I've seen these,
39:25
you know, these pictures of you in front of these huge stages.
39:29
So interesting because that is a whole mindset change from you as
39:34
a little kid being scared to get up in front of the class and
39:40
speaker, if you knew, you had to make a class presentation, you'd
39:43
you'd leave schools because you're you Be absent from school
39:46
that day because you didn't want that.
39:47
And now you talk about overcoming, all these fears.
39:51
That is a fear that you just stepped right over.
39:55
I mean you're you are a motivational speaker, you are
39:59
going out and speaking to Big groups and what a, what a voice
40:03
to be able to be somebody that was afraid as a kid to step into
40:09
this and that become your passion to speak to people.
40:13
And Tell me a little bit about what you've done here in the
40:17
last 19 months because I know one of the things that came up
40:22
was that you had the opportunity to walk back into prison and I
40:26
think it was only like 90 days or so from you leaving prison,
40:31
what was that? Like Yeah, so you know, when I
40:36
when I first got out, you know, I had to get a job, you know,
40:40
parole requires it to, you can get off parole.
40:43
So I apply for a few Jaws, but, you know, got turned down
40:46
because of my record and my past and, you know, an organization
40:51
that actually helped me while I was in it inside partnership for
40:54
re-entry program, they gave me a job, you know?
40:57
And so I started there and with them and their connections.
41:00
I was able to get back into the same prison, three months after
41:03
I got out the same. Prison.
41:04
I walked out of the same yard I walked out of you know I walked
41:08
back in 3 months later and was able to hug some of the same
41:11
people that I just left on the yard still on parole, you know?
41:15
And that was like a powerful moment for me and for them and
41:19
like literally like just changed like that was like the last
41:22
thing that I felt like I really needed to do.
41:24
I go back still to this day like all the time, but it was going
41:29
back so soon and seeing them. Like I know that has such a
41:33
great impact shown them. And they always tell me, you
41:35
know, and because I promised them I'll be back and I kept
41:38
that promise and, you know, quicker than I even thought, but
41:41
it just shows like that, you know, anything's possible.
41:44
So. Yeah, I went back in and I've
41:46
been going back in and I go in there and I speak and I go in
41:49
there and I do workshops. What's your melon and Carlos to
41:52
those guys, when you go back in my message.
41:56
Yeah, my message just always like just, you know, to never
41:59
give up, you know, never give up and to figure out what your
42:02
purpose is. Because when she With that is,
42:05
then you every day you have a reason to get up in the morning,
42:08
right? The figure out what's your why
42:09
is, what are you doing it for, who you doing it for?
42:12
Because in prison that helps you get through those days.
42:15
So a lot of them don't ever sit down and think about that.
42:17
They feel like they have no purpose.
42:19
They have no reason to be here. But once I found out what mine
42:22
was that kept me alive, you know, kept me from taking my
42:24
life, so I always try to help them to figure that out or the,
42:29
or the help or to give them, you know, different tools that I
42:32
used to help figure that out. So, It's always that because,
42:35
you know, it's like only so, you know, imprison your limited, you
42:40
can only do so much. Right.
42:41
So, and and you know, your own, you can only have so much your
42:45
limited. You can only do so much.
42:46
But what I tell them is like if you know what you want to
42:49
ultimately accomplish here you know every day you can work on
42:52
that even if it's just that you won't get out for another 10
42:56
years, just think every day, the same ten years you want to, you
42:59
want to get out and you want to, you know, own a business.
43:02
So guess what? The next 10 years.
43:04
Years, you work on that. You work on, what business you
43:07
want to work at your study read because eventually all that is
43:10
going to help you. So, that's the kind of message
43:13
that I helped them within their to get and keep their hope and
43:16
Inspire them, you know, to show them that you can get out and be
43:20
successful at school and you, and I, you you go and speak to
43:25
younger kids and I know you've got the price acronym that you
43:28
use. Can you walk us through that?
43:32
Yeah. So, you know, I was asked to go
43:34
speak at Loyola, Marymount University to so crazy a group
43:39
of master's degree, students, and doctors asked me to come
43:43
speak there. And, you know, I have a degree
43:46
in Psychology but I don't have a masters or I don't have a PhD or
43:50
nothing. But they asked me to come speak,
43:52
because they wanted to get, like the perspective of like a
43:55
criminal that changed because like people get paid to try to,
43:59
like, figure how that happens, you know.
44:01
Like what what can we do to change these mindsets and all
44:04
that? So, you know, I went in there
44:06
and before I went in there, you know, I sat down, I thought
44:09
about it like, you know what what what did I need to like
44:14
become successful, you know, in life.
44:16
Like, what, what are the key things that I needed and it all
44:19
in it? And it always came back to the,
44:21
you know, the price of success. And then, which is PR IC e, you
44:25
know, which is, you know, purpose, you know, having a
44:28
purpose number one and then creating a routine, you know.
44:31
That's in you know in prison that's everything your routine
44:35
helps. You get through the day, right?
44:36
So the same thing creating that routine because that's going to
44:39
keep you working on your purpose, you know.
44:42
Inspiration is having something to be inspired by everyday.
44:45
Yeah. Right.
44:46
So for me like hearing other people getting out reading
44:49
stories about people, who've overcome I crazy adversities
44:53
that was at inspiration and, you know, and the confidence.
44:56
Because once I had the confidence to go out there, back
44:59
in the general population with, who I was That was like now I
45:02
can actually go out there and I don't care what anybody says or
45:05
thinks, right? And then the education part the
45:08
E because you have to be a lifelong learner.
45:11
You have to continue to educate and for me education, like
45:15
helped change my life when I was back there reading and studying
45:18
that help me figure out what was wrong with me and then how I can
45:21
work on that and better myself. So I shared that with them and
45:26
and apply to how it worked in my life.
45:28
They realize you did have a master's in life Yeah, exactly.
45:33
That's so cool. And I mean that had a feels so
45:36
good. Carlos for you to put in all
45:39
that time, you know, and being in for 17 years and having a
45:45
college say hey we want you we want to hear you and want to
45:50
hear your voice and and then you had so much to tell them.
45:53
You know? That's that's I think, you know,
45:57
we all go through all of these different experiences in our
45:59
life is really how we use it. You know, how do we use, what we
46:04
have to be able to make a difference and I was so excited
46:09
to talk to you because you've put those all those different
46:12
pieces together and and I can feel your vibe that you're just
46:16
on this journey, stake taking these steps.
46:19
I mean, you're in the jogging mode right now.
46:21
I can see you in another year. You're sprinting, man, I mean
46:24
you're, you're getting all these pieces in place in there.
46:27
The all the right pieces and you were practicing on it before you
46:30
left. You know before you ever got out
46:32
and now you are fueling other people up now that you're out
46:36
it's just it's an inspiration because people like those type
46:40
of stories, you know, though because the reason why is
46:45
everybody I always say this people build up prisons in their
46:49
own mind, you know, the question is, how do you knock through it
46:52
because it takes effort, you know, it takes that, you know,
46:56
like you just said everything that you just said you have.
46:59
Those are the things that allow You too, because fear is what
47:04
keeps you from doing that? That wrong mindset, that I not
47:07
good enough. I've got a bad, you know,
47:11
experience with this or, you know, a bad job, bad wife,
47:14
whatever. All those things are, but you
47:19
have taken all of that and fueled it and you just step
47:23
through it. You keep stepping through it and
47:25
that's some kind of magic ingredient that if we could put
47:28
that in a bottle and send that out into Ooh, the world, that's
47:32
what people need. They need that, whatever that is
47:35
to keep stepping. So all you step forward, you
47:37
might, you might fail but you've learned something it's and and
47:43
then you can continue to step forward because you won't make
47:45
that mistake again. You're going to continue to step
47:48
and that's what's so inspiring about your story, you've taken
47:51
all those pieces in, you're pushing it forward.
47:54
It's cool stuff. Yeah, yeah.
47:56
Thank you. I appreciate that.
47:59
So, what's what's on the what's on the horizon?
48:02
For you Carlos? Because I know you got a lot of
48:05
different things that you can see from your website.
48:08
You know you've got a book at work or not.
48:11
Looks like you're messing around a little bit with film.
48:14
Yeah, yeah. So you know one of the things
48:16
that I did inside to help me get through the time was right.
48:20
And you know, started off writing plays and then I did
48:23
screenplay writing and it's something that I still do to
48:26
this day. So I've written eight plays and,
48:29
you know, for, you know, the playwright's project at ya at a
48:33
San Diego. And I actually teaching artist
48:36
for them and I work, and I work with the youth, and I go back in
48:40
and teach workshops on that, and as a screenplay writer, you know
48:44
what? Just as a freelance screenplay
48:45
right out written. Two screenplays.
48:47
It's already being produced and you're being shown in all the
48:50
prisons in New York are showing them the films.
48:54
And so, now my next goal is to take it to the next level and
48:58
not only write my own screenplay but directed.
49:01
So I'm in the process of that my own starting off with a short
49:04
film and it's going to be a part of my life, that, you know, I
49:08
don't really tell nobody. But like, my brother, I have a
49:12
younger brother who became a police officer.
49:14
I was locked up inside and, you know, I hate it Authority, I
49:18
hate it police. And for a long time, when I was
49:21
in my ways, you know, I didn't like him, because he became that
49:25
and we didn't talk, we didn't talk the whole time.
49:27
I was in prison, and when I got out, you know, I saw him in
49:30
person and I hugged them and, and it changed my whole world
49:34
view on the on, you know, him and police officers.
49:38
And so, I want to write a short film on that about, you know,
49:41
the power of having like a change of View on things and how
49:46
like sometimes you know you can't you can't judge somebody
49:50
just because of what they become like there's good people in the
49:53
world no matter what job it is. So I'm working on that, you
49:57
know, working on my book, trying to get that done.
50:00
Yeah. You know it and that's going to
50:02
be, you know, about the the tools and the principles that I
50:07
that I use to be able to make it through prison, you know, the to
50:10
acquire the mental toughness to make it through that adversity,
50:13
and make it through the You feel like giving up in the things
50:16
that I feel that you need so that you could be successful so
50:19
that and then continue to do my speaking, you know, motivational
50:23
speaking and you know, working with the youth as a coach and
50:26
Mentor, you know, working for different schools and
50:29
organizations. So which I was doing right
50:32
before I contacted you and then my last thing that I'm work, did
50:35
my next thing I'm going to do and that was inspired because
50:38
I've done so many of them and I've been told to do a podcast.
50:42
Absolutely. Yeah.
50:44
Yeah, you get to be perfect for a podcast and you deliver.
50:48
Your voice is so good. And then the way you tell the
50:50
stories and man, it's just, and I can tell you have a passion
50:56
about everything you just talked about.
50:58
I mean, you, I can see it in your eyes when you talk about
51:00
it, that's the thing you want people to to get is that get
51:05
that passion and it's not easy. I know everything that you're
51:08
doing is not easy, I mean, everything that you're doing, it
51:12
doesn't happen overnight, you're doing it.
51:14
It because you're passionate about it and you know it feel it
51:17
makes you feel a certain way you know what makes a difference.
51:19
And that's that's a good thing. That's a good thing, thank you.
51:25
So I always ask people this You know, as we wind up an interview
51:32
after all this, you've been through, you've been through on
51:35
it, you can through a journey here, Carlos from from a kid
51:38
where you are now, what do you think is your biggest takeaway
51:43
for the listeners out there to know that they need to know?
51:48
As you've said a lot, a lot of nuggets of wisdom in this
51:51
podcast. I would say, To never
51:56
underestimate the power of an individual one man, one person
52:01
or woman. Never underestimate that
52:04
everybody everybody matters no matter who you are and I say
52:08
that because like you know, all through all my life, it's always
52:11
been one person that's like altered my entire life, whether
52:15
it was, you know, my dad leaving.
52:17
Yeah. Whether it was whether it was
52:19
Chris killing himself in front of me.
52:21
Yeah. Whether it was that that
52:22
chaplain. They came and gave me his time.
52:25
Or even even Peter, you know, being receptive to me and
52:29
listening to me when I was three months out and I had nothing.
52:32
But then sitting down with me and showing me what I needed to
52:35
do out here to become successful.
52:38
So like never, you know, underestimate one person like
52:44
so. And when you, when you live that
52:46
way, you know, you give every value everybody.
52:49
Every person you encounter in life, you value them and you
52:53
listen to them. And, you know, you may not Do
52:55
what they say, but you listen and even if they're wrong, you
52:58
learn from that. So just everybody matters and so
53:01
I think that would be the message.
53:03
That's alright that's great advice.
53:05
Unbelievably great advice and you know, in doing that you
53:08
don't judge a book by it's cover because you never know what that
53:11
person is. You know, they get the person
53:13
could change your life and yeah, what?
53:16
Yeah, I love it. For those out there, the on
53:24
Apple. Spotify, any Amazon music.
53:29
Any of those places, hit the follow button.
53:31
It's a great thing and helps the show.
53:33
And it'll give you the next podcast that's out.
53:37
Love the reviews on Apple. If you got time to do that, that
53:40
helps the show. It helps to promote the show.
53:44
Leave me a message on broadcast e.com.
53:46
I love to go back and forth. Want to give a shout out to all
53:49
the guys that are in prison out there.
53:51
Listening on adobo and, oh, my book.
53:55
I admire success, if you're needing a book to read, and I
53:58
more success, you can get that on Amazon Barnes & Noble
54:01
Walmart. And as I used to say to my
54:05
people, as I was typing back and forth in prison.
54:08
Stay strong and I'll do the same Carlos.
54:11
Thank you so much. Appreciate this.
54:14
Thanks man. I appreciate you.
54:15
Totally. All right man, I'm are success
54:18
in and out will see you.