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The Fifth Hour: Chatty McAlgorithm? · The Ben Maller Show

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Kaboom if you thought four hours a day 1200 minutes
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: a week was enough think again he's the last remnants
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  Speaker 1: of the old republic a sole bastion of fairness he
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the
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  Speaker 1: rich pill poppers in the penthouse wow the clearinghouse of
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  Speaker 1: hot takes break free for something special the fifth hour
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: with ben maller starts right.
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  Speaker 2: Now In the air everywhere. The fifth hour with me,
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: Ben Maller, as we are reunited on this Saturday. A
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: massive college football kind of a day. But there will
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: not be college football conversation here because they haven't played
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: the games yet. So we'll have to wait on that.
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: We do have the world-famous garlic bread and Chatty McAlgorithm. guy.
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: We've got that for you. On this, the 262nd day
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: of the year, there are just 103 days left. We
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: head into fall in a couple of days here next week,
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: and then it's on, like Donkey Kong. Now, as I
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: said earlier this week, we were having a conversation with Andrea,
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: the Astrology Insider. It was her birthday, and she had
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: mentioned that fall was coming up, and it was a
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  Speaker 2: big thing on the calendar, and I pointed out how
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: many people go to Vermont, to New Hampshire, Maine, anywhere
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: in the New England states, and watch the leaves change colors.
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: It's amazing. They make all the Hallmark movies, give or take,
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: in Vermont, and I went there a couple years ago.
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: The leaves weren't changing, but I went to see Arnie Spanier,
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  Speaker 2: and it was just amazing. Even without the leaves changing,
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: I can only imagine what it's like when the leaves change.
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: And so we talked about that, and then I pointed out,
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: living in California, when fall comes around, the thing that
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  Speaker 2: leads me to the path of knowing when fall is
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: here is not somebody calling up the radio show saying, hey,
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: it's time. No, it's going by Starbucks with my wife.
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: I don't drink coffee, but I have those little tea things,
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: those Energizer things, so they're tremendously overpriced. So I'll go
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: with the wife and she'll get the coffee and I'll
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: get the Energizer drink. And I'll notice it's pumpkin spice
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: latte season at Starbucks. Well, that's a sign. That is
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: a sign. It's time. It's on. It's fall. Everyone jump
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: on the bandwagon. When you see a lot of pumpkin
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  Speaker 2: spice things, that's how you know in California the seasons
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: are changing. So I read this week also that Robert
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: De Niro, good actor, bit of a schmuck, is reportedly
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: in talks to play Dodgers manager and ambassador Tommy Lasorda
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: in an upcoming movie. Yeah, and immediately I had one thought.
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: Where's my agent? Now, if you've listened to this podcast
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: over the years, you know that actually I don't have
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: an agent. I had an agent at one point, and
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: it did not go so well for me. To have
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: an agent, you have to be Stephen A. Smith or
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: Clay Travis or someone like that. Not the overnight gas bag.
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: It just doesn't go well, so I don't have an agent.
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: But I wish I did. If you would like to
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: be my agent, because if Hollywood is going to make
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: a Tommy Lasorda movie, it is my opinion, and I
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: believe this to be true, that I have finally found
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: the role that I was born to play. All right?
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: The role that I was born to play. Radio reporter
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: number four. I don't need dialogue. I don't need a trailer.
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: I don't need... Robert De Niro asking for my motivation
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  Speaker 2: in this scene. Just put me in the back of
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: a news conference wearing a T-shirt that doesn't quite fit properly,
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: holding a microphone, and let me ask Tommy one question
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: he doesn't want to answer after a Dodger loss while
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: he's sitting at his desk eating the spread, depressed like
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: he had just been sentenced to death row. And then
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: stand back. That's the scene. Tommy looks over. The eyes narrow.
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: He's chewing his pasta. The temperature rises. Mount Lasorda begins
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: to rumble. It's a rumble in the manager's jungle. Cut
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: to black. Just give me the Academy Award right now.
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: I was incredibly lucky as a young lad to both
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: grow up watching Tommy Lasorda manage the Dodgers and then
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: have the surreal experience of being around Tommy Lasorda in
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: the twilight years of his time as Dodger manager and
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: then what happened after that. And when I think back
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: to that period of time, and it's been a number
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: of years, I realize how impossible it it would be
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: to recreate. There were no smartphones recording every second. There
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: was no social media investigative arm. It didn't exist. No
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: one hiding behind a ficus plant with an iPhone waiting
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: for a gotcha moment for someone to say, like the
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: sword in this case, say something stupid. You could actually
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: witness something just crazy, ridiculous, and it wouldn't it wouldn't
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: go all over the place. It would remain where it belonged,
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: in your memory. What in the world? What a concept.
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: And I have a couple of Tommy Lasorda memories that
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: I wanted to share. I don't know if I've talked
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: about these or not on the podcast. I think one
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: of them I have. The other one I'm pretty sure
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: I have not mentioned over the years. If I have
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: mentioned it, I know that Alf and Fergog and Malapropguy will...
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: be upset. And I don't want them upset. They'll say,
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: you've already done that. You can't repeat yourself. I say, okay,
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: I won't repeat myself. I know one of them I
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: briefly told, the other one, not so much. So anyway,
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: get to the point, please. I want to share these
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: with you. So the first involves the Smokehouse restaurant in Burbank,
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: right across from Warner Brothers Studios. It's In between Warner
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: Brothers Studios, which is right across the street, and then
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: up the hill a little bit is Universal Studios. So
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: it's a studio restaurant. It's old school Hollywood. People talk
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: about the actual Hollywood. No, a lot of this stuff
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: happened in Burbank. So it's a Hollywood spot, though. It's
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: been around for a long time. So long, in fact,
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: that the king of late night TV for so many years,
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: been dead for a long time, Johnny Carson, who dominated
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: late night television back when people actually watched late night television.
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: And he would give out gift cards to the Smokehouse.
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  Speaker 2: It's a major spot where entertainment deals were done. And
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: we're going to go back to the late 1990s. We
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: had just launched a new sports talk radio station called
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: Extra Sports 1150 in partnership with the Dodgers. This had
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: been Kiss AM for a number of years, just a
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: simulcast of the FM feed and had a been at
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: one point a pretty popular radio station. So they changed
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: the format to sports radio. The station would carry Dodger
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: games at night, and during the day, when they played,
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: they'd obviously kill them, but most Dodger games at night,
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: and the rest of the day would be hot sports talk.
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  Speaker 2: This was considered a revolutionary concept at the time, talking
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  Speaker 2: sports on a sports station. Who came up with this?
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  Speaker 2: This must be some kind of alien technology. Was NASA
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: involved in this? There was apparently a belief in certain
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: corners of Dodger land that because we were the Dodgers
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: radio partner, the programming would consist of 24 hour a
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: day propaganda. The Dodgers are wonderful. The Dodgers are magnificent.
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: They're painting the town blue. Have you hugged a Dodger today? Now,
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: there was one problem with this hypothesis. The Dodgers were
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: not particularly good. Now, they weren't terrible. They just weren't
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: all that good. And Sports Talk radio host, even back
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: in the Bronze Age... especially young sports talk radio hosts
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: trying to make a name for themselves in the business,
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: tend to notice things like losing baseball games and lazy players.
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: So instead of licking the toes of Dodgers management, the
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: random gas bags on the radio occasionally criticize the organization, Gadzooks,
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: Imagine that. Yeah, this did not sit well with said
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: Dodger management types. Eventually, somebody decided that our station needed
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: a motivational get-together. Nice motivational meal. And who better to
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: motivate a bunch of radio misfits than Tommy Lasorda? And
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: so there we go. were at the Smokehouse in Burbank
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: with the world-famous garlic cheese bread everywhere, steaks arriving soon,
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  Speaker 2: salespeople chowing away at the food, radio people eating. I'm
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: eating like this is my final supper. before being sent
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: to the Devil's Island. And then the keynote speaker, our
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  Speaker 2: leader for that day, the man himself, Tommy Lasorda, who
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: got up to speak. Now, I should point out that
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: Tommy Lasorda had a very specific motivational vocabulary. It was
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: not something that you would find in one of those
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: Dale Carnegie seminar things on how to win friends and
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: influence people. No, no, no, no, no. This was Tommy Unplugged.
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  Speaker 2: Vintage Lasorda. Vintage Lasorda. The famous Dave Kingman tape. If
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: you're an old school baseball fan, you know the Dave
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: Kingman tape. Sounded like a bedtime story compared with this performance.
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  Speaker 2: The Kurt Bavacqua... Couldn't hit water if he fell out
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: of a freaking boat. That's children's programming, which is still great,
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: the Kurt Bavacqua thing. And he called the sort of
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: fat little Italian, and Tommy was having none of that.
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  Speaker 2: It was to the point, there was this famous comedian
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: that did a lot of blue comedy, still does, I
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: guess he's still around, Andrew Dice Clay. Andrew Dice Clay
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: would have been sitting in the corner, smoking a cigarette, saying, Tommy,
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: clean it up, Tommy. There's ladies present, clean it up.
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: And to the credit of the women, they didn't care.
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  Speaker 2: They thought it was good, too. There was a mixed
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: group of people. Everyone thought it was funny. Every one
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: of George Carlin's seven dirty words made an appearance. Some
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: appeared multiple times. Tommy, we think he invented several new
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: terms that should be banned. I'm pretty sure that Webster's
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: Dictionary sent a scout out To hear Lasorda. And remember,
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: this was technically a company function. This was a work event. Now,
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: in modern times, human resources would have arrived, if this
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: has happened now, in tactical gear. There would have been
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: full tactical gear. But Tommy wasn't trying to offend anyone.
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: He was giving us the full Lasorda package, the full treatment,
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: the whole thing. We were his team on that day.
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: The salespeople were going to set records on how many
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: commercials they sold. The hosts were going to dominate the ratings.
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: The producers were going to produce amazing things. And apparently,
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: we were going to do all of this while being
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: called words that would cause the FCC, the big shots
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: over there, the FCC to spontaneously combust right in the
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: building there. It was tremendous. For 20 or 30 minutes,
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: I forget exactly how long, I wasn't some dopey radio
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: guy trying to make a name for myself inhaling the
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: garlic cheese bread in Burbank. I was Pedro Guerrero. I
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: was Steve Sachs. I was Fernando Valenzuela. Tommy was sending
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: me out to win Game 7. Now, I wasn't ready
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: for Game 7, but after I heard Lasorda, I could
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: have run through a wall and I could have run
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: through a wall. Unfortunately, after lunch, I think I went
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: back to the radio station and might have helped out
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: screening calls on some other show. But I was going
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: to screen the hell out of those calls. And that's
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: the beauty of Tommy. The second memory I have from
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: that time came after his managing career had ended. There
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: were some health problems. Tommy was forced out of the dugout.
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: By the way, I wouldn't say now because everyone's gone,
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: but it was more than just health problems. There were
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: some issues in the locker room of his old school
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: approach and all that stuff. Tommy was Mr. Sunshine publicly
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: about his players privately. If guys didn't play the way
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: he wanted them to play, he would show them the
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: other side of Tommy Lasorda. So anyway, the other part
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: of this, Tommy was forced out of the dugout. I
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: think Glenn Hoffman filled in as the interim manager. But
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: Tommy remained part of the Dodgers and eventually had a
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: brief run in the front office. He ran the baseball
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: ops department, as they call it now. Back then, they
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: just said, you're the general manager. It was 1998. On
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: the first day in charge, I'll never forget it, Tommy
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: Lasorda met with the assembled media. I happened to be there.
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: Tommy gave us the whole speech. He told the assembled
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: reporters that he understood our jobs. He said, you guys
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: have a job to do. You can write anything you
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: want about me. You can say anything you want about
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: me on the radio. It's all fair game. Wonderful. It's
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: a wonderful thing. Now, the First Amendment had arrived at
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: Dodger Stadium. Wearing Dodger blue. Right there. 24 hours later. Actually,
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: it was less than 24 hours later because it was
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: a day game. I'm sitting in the media dining room. Again,
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: I'm eating. There's a pattern here. Patternicity. And this appears
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: to be the recurring theme in my press box career,
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: certainly in those days.
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: Other reporters broke stories. I broke bread.
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: Bread.
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: Brand sliced brand as Jimbo Fisher would say so I'm
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: enjoying some strange pasta whatever that was they served a
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: lot of pasta in the press box and then I
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: hear this commotion from outside the media dining room down
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: the hall and then the voice where's Doug Uh-oh, Spaghetti-O.
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: Where is Doug Krikorian? Now, this was Doug Krikorian, longtime
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: Los Angeles sports columnist, who at that time was writing
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: for the Long Beach Press-Telegram. And Tommy came storming into
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: the room looking for him. Somebody find me Krikorian. Where
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: is Krikorian? And this was not a wellness check. Tommy
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: was not concerned about the health of Doug. who I
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: believe we've had on this podcast a while back. Doug's
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: a good dude. Anyway, so Tommy eventually found Doug and
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: began reading him the riot act over something that he
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: had written. Now, I don't remember what Doug had written.
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: It doesn't really matter. Whatever it was, Tommy had apparently
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: reviewed his writing and decided, you know what? That policy
• 17:12
  Speaker 2: I had, write anything you want, I've decided that there
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: were some exclusions. The fine print, the minutia. Terms and
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: conditions apply. Void where prohibited. Now, Doug naturally reminded Tommy
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: of what he had said the previous day. You told
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: us we could write anything we want. Now, this did
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: not calm Tommy Lasorda down. Quite the opposite happened. It
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: was like trying to put out a grease fire with gasoline.
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: The sort of volcano went from orange to red. And
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: I'm sitting there eating my food, eavesdropping in. I'm one
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: of the great exchanges of my young life as a
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: media guy. I was like, wow, I'm behind the curtain.
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: That was Tommy. He absolutely believed that. You had the
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: right to say anything you wanted about him, and he
• 18:05
  Speaker 2: absolutely believed he had the right to scream at you afterwards.
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: Both things were true. There was no contradiction in Tommy's mind.
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: Freedom of the press, freedom of the sort, perfectly compatible.
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: And I think about those days now because the world
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: is gone. That world is gone. Now, not necessarily for
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: the better. Some would say it's not worse. It's just gone. Today,
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: somebody would have recorded that rant by Tommy Lasorda at
• 18:41
  Speaker 2: the Smokehouse, his speech. Within seven minutes, it would be
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: on X, Instagram, TikTok, and all the rest. There would
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: be outrage, counter-outrage, reaction videos, apology demands. by people that
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: were not part of this. Very similar to that ridiculous
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: story we talked about with the Arch Manning liking an
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: AI video and how a lot of dumb people thought
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: the video was real and it's not. And it's like,
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: what are you doing? These kind of stories just blow
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: you away. They just blow you away and all that.
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: But that's not the case. And back in 98, just
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: before social media fully took off, we were still on
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: AOL and Like MySpace wasn't even around then. So it
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: was a long time ago. And Tommy's language revealed a
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: larger institutional problem. By dinner, there would have been a
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: podcast on what Lasorda had done. By midnight, now we're
• 19:42
  Speaker 2: doing the podcast 28 years later. By midnight, a documentary.
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: Back then, you ate your garlic bread and you went back.
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: to work. And that's why I feel so fortunate that
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: I got to see Tommy. I knew him a little bit.
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: He kind of, yeah, kind of, he did. He liked
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: the fact that I was, I'd started out. I was
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: a young lad. I was like 19. And so Tommy
• 20:05
  Speaker 2: stopped managing in the mid to late nineties. And he,
• 20:10
  Speaker 2: He lived to 2021, so he lived another 25 years
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: or so after he stopped managing. And I'd run into
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: him all the time, and he'd come in the press box,
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: and we'd chat. And I had his phone number, which
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: was crazy. I had Tommy Lasorda's phone number. I think
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: I used it one time. That's it. But it was Tommy.
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: He gave me his phone number. It was great. Lived
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: in Fullerton in Orange County. So it was cool. I
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: didn't get the polished version all the time. I got
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: the real authentic Lasorda. I didn't get the ceremonial first
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: pitch version, not the statue of Lasorda. I got the volcano,
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: the storyteller, the salesman, the guy that never paid for
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: a meal, the guy who could turn a routine lunch
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: into into Newt Rockne at Notre Dame, win one for
• 21:05
  Speaker 2: the Gipper, except Newt Rockne probably didn't use 14 different
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: variations of the same profanity, the same profanity. Tommy was
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: bigger than life because he worked at being bigger than life.
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: Nobody embellished better. Nobody sold Dodger baseball harder than He
• 21:28
  Speaker 2: didn't just represent the Dodgers. He seemed to believe the
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: Dodgers were like this independent nation, and he had been
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: appointed the ambassador, the president, the minister of propaganda, the pope,
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: you name it. And now when I drive into the
• 21:47
  Speaker 2: Fox Sports Radio studios, I pass a stretch of highway
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: in Southern California named for Tommy Lasorda, in memory of
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: Tommy Lasorda. And every time I see the sign, which
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: is every time I go into the main studio, I smile.
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: Because I don't think about the success he had with
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: the Dodgers. I don't think about the statistics, although he
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: was not a good player, I didn't see him play.
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: I think about that afternoon at the Smokehouse, that day
• 22:21
  Speaker 2: in the press box at Dodger Stadium when He was
• 22:25
  Speaker 2: running around, where's Doug? Somebody find me Krikorian. Where's Doug?
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: I think about the voice coming around the corner, screaming again,
• 22:34
  Speaker 2: where's Doug? And somewhere, I imagine Tommy is still looking
• 22:38
  Speaker 2: for him. He wants to read the riot act to
• 22:41
  Speaker 2: him yet again. So if Robert De Niro really does
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: end up playing Tommy Lasorda, give me a call. I'm available.
• 22:49
  Speaker 2: Radio reporter number four. No.
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: Questions have to be asked. All right. Just call me up.
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: Contact me, and I'll give you an angry look. Tommy
• 23:03
  Speaker 2: will give you an eruption. And make sure, though, the
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: craft services truck that shows up to feed everyone on set,
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: my only request is they have the Smokehouse come by
• 23:13
  Speaker 2: with their world-famous garlic cheese bread, and that's it. And
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: I'm professional. I will enjoy that, and it'll be great.
• 23:20
  Speaker 2: It'll be absolutely wonderful. That's it. Meanwhile, is it Duff
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: Man coming to life? Well, not quite. I saw the
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: other day Duff Foreman is a thing. Is Duff Foreman's
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: dreadful debut proof that AI sports analysis is going to
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: take over, ready for primetime, right? Is that AI sports
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: analysis proof? going to be a real thing so is
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: it ready for prime time no it's not ready for
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: prime time uh so uh emphatically no my first question
• 24:08
  Speaker 2: is the most obvious question who asked for this seriously
• 24:14
  Speaker 2: was there some groundswell that i missed a grassroots movement
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: were people sitting around watching golf saying you know what
• 24:23
  Speaker 2: would really improve this experience Fewer human beings. Give me
• 24:28
  Speaker 2: the AI. That's what I need. Now, I'm not a
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: hardcore golf fan, as you know. And did I watch
• 24:34
  Speaker 2: this event? No, I did not. But we're golf fans
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: marching through the streets, carrying signs, demanding artificial, intelligent broadcasters.
• 24:42
  Speaker 2: We need it now. No justice, no peace. Of course not.
• 24:47
  Speaker 2: Nobody asked for this. So why are we getting it? Now,
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: I have a theory. The Maller theory, combo dish. Number one,
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: you've got the technology evangelist, the tech evangelist. These people
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: get a new toy and immediately decide it must be
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: inserted into everything. Doesn't matter whether it improves the product.
• 25:09
  Speaker 2: Doesn't matter whether anybody wants it. They've got the hammer,
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: the golden hammer. So suddenly every industry looks like a nail.
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: And then number two, and this is the important part,
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: you know the penny-pinching broadcast executives? You know they're sitting
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: in their corner office, the rest of the office building's
• 25:33
  Speaker 2: empty because you fired everyone, and they're getting all hot
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: and bothered, dreaming about the possibilities. An AI broadcaster, oh baby!
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: So wait a minute, so we hire an AI broadcaster,
• 25:46
  Speaker 2: No salary, no HR complaints, no health insurance, never takes
• 25:50
  Speaker 2: time off, no contract negotiation, no agent calling asking for
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: a raise, no broadcaster complaining that he got stuck in
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: coach on a flight to Albuquerque. Your payroll bupkis. You
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: just plug in Chatty McAlgorithm, plug that into the broadcast
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: booth and tell accounting... to start counting the savings. And
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: that's the wet dream. And so we arrive at Duff Foreman.
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: If you have no idea what the hell I'm talking
• 26:28
  Speaker 2: about and you've been listening this far, congratulations. So this
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: is an artificial intelligent golf analyst. It's not a real
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: person who made his debut during the New Mexico Open.
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: I'm pretty sure that's one of the majors next to
• 26:45
  Speaker 2: the Masters and the U.S. Open, unless it's not. Unless
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: it's not. So it wasn't Sunday afternoon at Augusta, but
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: it might as well have been. All we needed was
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: Jim Nance whispering sweet nothings into the television about patrons. Hello, friends.
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: More like, hello, users. Please accept updated terms and conditions.
• 27:10
  Speaker 2: This was a regional golf live stream that, as I
• 27:19
  Speaker 2: understand it, is primarily being consumed by friends, family, and
• 27:24
  Speaker 2: somebody's Uncle Harvey who accidentally clicked the link. Might have
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: been Uncle Mel. This was the laboratory. The beta test.
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: And the beta test, it turns out, it burst into flames. Well,
• 27:38
  Speaker 2: that's not good. That shouldn't happen. I know. I don't
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: know why it happened. And we are not at the
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: Wright Brothers stage of AI broadcasting. We're not at that stage.
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: We are at the Hindenburg stage of AI sports broadcasting. Oh,
• 27:54
  Speaker 2: the humanity. So give me Homer Simpson's buddy, the real Duffman.
• 28:01
  Speaker 2: who had so many great lines. Remember the one he said,
• 28:04
  Speaker 2: the power to drink all night and promote responsible alcohol
• 28:09
  Speaker 2: use all day. Oh, yeah. That's a classic line from
• 28:13
  Speaker 2: the Duff Man. Now, among the problems with golf's Duff Foreman,
• 28:17
  Speaker 2: his accent apparently changed during the broadcast. At one point,
• 28:22
  Speaker 2: he sounded Scottish. Okay. Sound whatever you want. You're not real.
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: And then later on, he was no longer Scottish. So
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: it kind of sounds like they used former Notre Dame
• 28:37
  Speaker 2: and LSU coach Brian Kelly as the blueprint. Like that
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: was the blueprint there. And why would you do that,
• 28:47
  Speaker 2: you bunch of jabronis? So the machines have risen, ladies
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: and gentlemen, and apparently they don't know a birdie from
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: a Buick. That's a problem. But don't you worry. Blame
• 29:02
  Speaker 2: the algorithm. That's going to become the greatest excuse in
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: the history of broadcasting. Human broadcasters screw up. They get suspended.
• 29:11
  Speaker 2: They get fired. They get dragged on social media. The
• 29:15
  Speaker 2: robot ump in a much different place, right? Unfortunately, there
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: was an issue with the algorithm. They just keep saying that. Okay. Well,
• 29:27
  Speaker 2: in that case, case closed. So... Now, could AI broadcasting improve?
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: Of course, you read these stories about AI and how
• 29:36
  Speaker 2: great it is and how it's improving rapid fire and
• 29:38
  Speaker 2: all this. Okay, fine. So it's improving at warp speed.
• 29:42
  Speaker 2: That's not really up for debate. I think we can
• 29:44
  Speaker 2: all agree that's the case from what we know. The
• 29:46
  Speaker 2: question is whether an artificially intelligent analyst will ever develop
• 29:52
  Speaker 2: enough personality, spontaneously be able to come up with lines,
• 29:57
  Speaker 2: bring the razzle-dazzle and make you actually want to listen
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: and watch that person work on television and radio. Because
• 30:07
  Speaker 2: unpopular opinion, sports are fundamentally about... the human condition, the
• 30:14
  Speaker 2: emotion of being human, that is the entire product, the joy,
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: the misery, the pressure, the fear, choking, redemption, all of that,
• 30:23
  Speaker 2: the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat. Human beings
• 30:27
  Speaker 2: pushing the physical limits of humankind while other human beings
• 30:31
  Speaker 2: try to explain what the hell we're watching. And your
• 30:35
  Speaker 2: grand innovation, your grand innovation is to remove the humanity...
• 30:43
  Speaker 2: From the broadcast. Really? That doesn't seem like a good idea.
• 30:48
  Speaker 2: So that's going to be a no from me, dog,
• 30:50
  Speaker 2: as they said back in American Idol. Sports should be
• 30:53
  Speaker 2: played by real people. Sports should be broadcast by real people.
• 31:00
  Speaker 2: People with opinions. People with quirks. People who occasionally butcher
• 31:05
  Speaker 2: somebody's name. That happens. People who laugh at the wrong moment.
• 31:10
  Speaker 2: People who argue. People who tell stories that go completely
• 31:13
  Speaker 2: off the rails because you're supposed to do that every
• 31:15
  Speaker 2: once in a while when the game's a blowout. People
• 31:17
  Speaker 2: who have synergy because they've actually spent years behind microphones
• 31:22
  Speaker 2: working with each other on their craft. That imperfection is
• 31:27
  Speaker 2: not some kind of bug. You don't need to go
• 31:30
  Speaker 2: to the app store to get your thing updated. It's
• 31:32
  Speaker 2: the feature. Replacing colorful sports personalities with AI is the
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: broadcasting equivalent of replacing tailgating with a Zoom meeting. Who
• 31:44
  Speaker 2: would do that? Technically, everybody can still communicate, but where's
• 31:50
  Speaker 2: the camaraderie? Where's the smoke from the grill? Where's the
• 31:54
  Speaker 2: lunatic wearing body paint screaming at strangers? Where's the fun?
• 31:59
  Speaker 2: So give me an imperfect human analyst over a much
• 32:06
  Speaker 2: sharper piece of tech analyst. The AI voice. I'd rather
• 32:11
  Speaker 2: have the imperfect human every single time. Will I make
• 32:14
  Speaker 2: fun of them?
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 32:15
  Speaker 2: Will I goof on things they have said? Absolutely. I'd
• 32:20
  Speaker 2: still rather have that. Because once you sanitize everything, once
• 32:25
  Speaker 2: you automate everything, and you get the algorithm just right
• 32:30
  Speaker 2: to optimize everything, eventually, sports stops feeling like sports. And
• 32:37
  Speaker 2: if we ever reach the point where avatars are playing
• 32:41
  Speaker 2: the games, avatars are officiating the games, and avatars are
• 32:47
  Speaker 2: broadcasting said games, then just go all the way. Eliminate
• 32:52
  Speaker 2: the fans. Just put two laptops in an empty stadium
• 32:57
  Speaker 2: and let them duke it out. Let them watch each other.
• 33:01
  Speaker 2: So congratulations. You finally achieved the executive wet dream. No players,
• 33:09
  Speaker 2: no broadcasters, no fans, which would seemingly be a problem.
• 33:14
  Speaker 2: But no payroll. No payroll. Just one tiny issue with
• 33:18
  Speaker 2: all of this. If you get rid of the fans,
• 33:21
  Speaker 2: the players, the broadcasters, nobody gives a damn. So stop. Okay?
• 33:27
  Speaker 2: Just stop, dummy. Dum-da-dum-dum-dum.
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 33:32
  Speaker 2: All right. It is the fifth hour podcast. We're going
• 33:35
  Speaker 2: to put the baby to bed. Hopefully we'll have a
• 33:38
  Speaker 2: mailbag tomorrow. Got the NFL kicking off on Sunday. Enjoy
• 33:43
  Speaker 2: the college football games as Lane Kiffin gets to be
• 33:46
  Speaker 2: part of the thing he loves more than anything. The
• 33:49
  Speaker 2: center square on college football squares right there. So. I'll
• 33:54
  Speaker 2: see what happens with that game. But have a wonderful day,
• 33:57
  Speaker 2: and bye-bye. Bye-bye. See you later, alligator, and all of that.