Latest / Dear Chelsea / We Might All Be Dead By Then with Chelsea + Catherine

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We Might All Be Dead By Then with Chelsea + Catherine · Dear Chelsea

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hi Catherine, Hi Chelsea, how are you.
• 0:03
  Speaker 2: Today's a solo episode, and we do solo episodes everybody
• 0:06
  Speaker 2: so that we can take more callers.
• 0:08
  Speaker 3: Yes, we just rock and roll right on threat we did.
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: I mean the last time we did this, we took
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: like six calls and there were one really long one,
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: so that was good.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: We got a lot of fucking worked on. And do
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: we really do for all of our patients.
• 0:21
  Speaker 4: We're just like, you know, healing people, helping people get divorced.
• 0:25
  Speaker 3: I have some updates from callers.
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: Okay, I love this part.
• 0:30
  Speaker 3: Okay, this is from Maggie.
• 0:31
  Speaker 4: Maggie had written in way back in our Katie Kuric
• 0:34
  Speaker 4: episode her husband has battled addiction, started an affair with
• 0:37
  Speaker 4: a coworker, and she said it felt a lot like
• 0:39
  Speaker 4: a relapse, so she was trying to let go of
• 0:41
  Speaker 4: the marriage. Dear Chelsea, I wanted to update you since
• 0:45
  Speaker 4: it's been a little over a year since I was
• 0:46
  Speaker 4: on the show. I want to start by saying thank
• 0:48
  Speaker 4: you to both you and Katie Kuric. The advice and
• 0:51
  Speaker 4: book recommendations you gave me were a lifeline at a
• 0:54
  Speaker 4: really dark time. Beyond that, the love you showed me
• 0:57
  Speaker 4: was a true blessing. So thank you.
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: Oh love it, Oh yeah love blah blah blah blah
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: blah blah love.
• 1:02
  Speaker 4: Since we spoke, I have officially divorced my cheating ex husband,
• 1:06
  Speaker 4: and a weight has been lifted from my life.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: Nice look at you.
• 1:11
  Speaker 3: My life shifted from worrying about him and his knees
• 1:14
  Speaker 3: and his sobriety to worrying about me, myself and I
• 1:17
  Speaker 3: and oh my god, life is amazing. I was so
• 1:21
  Speaker 3: scared to do life on my own, but here I
• 1:23
  Speaker 3: am doing it and loving it. After moving on from
• 1:25
  Speaker 3: my ex, I entered the dating scene for the first
• 1:27
  Speaker 3: time as a fully formed adult, and while it's often
• 1:30
  Speaker 3: a shit show, I've had some great experiences. In the
• 1:33
  Speaker 3: past year.
• 1:34
  Speaker 4: I've had the best sex in my life, had more
• 1:36
  Speaker 4: time to focus on the things I love, poured more
• 1:38
  Speaker 4: of my energy into my friendships, and devoted myself to
• 1:41
  Speaker 4: building a life that I adore. I have a much
• 1:43
  Speaker 4: better sense of self worth and know that if and
• 1:45
  Speaker 4: when I meet someone, they will only have a shot
• 1:47
  Speaker 4: with me if they're on my level. I always thought
• 1:50
  Speaker 4: i'd write in an update when I found my new
• 1:52
  Speaker 4: happily ever after, and then it hit me today that
• 1:54
  Speaker 4: I have my happily ever after is me thanks from
• 1:58
  Speaker 4: the bottom of my heart, Maggie. No longer needing a
• 2:01
  Speaker 4: pseudonym because that divorce is final. Wow.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: That could have been like the prologue for my new book.
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: Ooh, I fucking love it right fucking right on exactly
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: you and yourself.
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: That is the love story between you and yourself.
• 2:15
  Speaker 3: Yes, that's how I felt.
• 2:16
  Speaker 4: In her Jane Fond episode when we chatted with her,
• 2:19
  Speaker 4: it was like, you know, we talked about her previous
• 2:21
  Speaker 4: loves in her life, and it just like seems like
• 2:22
  Speaker 4: she's found herself in you know, this last decade of
• 2:25
  Speaker 4: her life, and it's just so exciting to see women
• 2:27
  Speaker 4: come into their own and be their own people. Yeah,
• 2:31
  Speaker 4: it's fabulous. I have a half update and a half question.
• 2:34
  Speaker 4: We always say people don't write in when they like
• 2:37
  Speaker 4: didn't follow the advice, and this person follow the advice,
• 2:40
  Speaker 4: but it, you know, sort of went little sideways like
• 2:43
  Speaker 4: that backfired. Bella said, Dear Chelsea and Catherine. I don't
• 2:49
  Speaker 4: know if you remember me, but I spoke with you
• 2:51
  Speaker 4: and the office ladies about my breakup for the end
• 2:53
  Speaker 4: of twenty twenty two. I had been together with my
• 2:56
  Speaker 4: AX for two years, and we were friends before that,
• 2:58
  Speaker 4: and I had wanted to know about how to go
• 3:00
  Speaker 4: about mending the friendship when we were ready.
• 3:03
  Speaker 3: Well, it's been interesting. At first.
• 3:05
  Speaker 4: The X and I would see each other around once
• 3:07
  Speaker 4: or twice a month at friend gatherings and remain friendly
• 3:10
  Speaker 4: but distant. After about six months, he offered to have
• 3:13
  Speaker 4: coffee and reconnect, which I accepted. We had a cathartic
• 3:16
  Speaker 4: conversation about our breakup, and then he wanted to hear
• 3:19
  Speaker 4: about my dating life. I didn't really want to talk
• 3:21
  Speaker 4: about it, but he was insistent, reassuring me he could
• 3:24
  Speaker 4: handle it. He cried and confessed he hasn't dated at
• 3:27
  Speaker 4: all and it's all still too soon.
• 3:29
  Speaker 3: This little coffee date.
• 3:30
  Speaker 4: Changed the nature of our dynamic moving forward. At hangouts
• 3:33
  Speaker 4: and parties, he became more flirty and was always trying
• 3:36
  Speaker 4: to catch my eye, and my friends would try to buffer.
• 3:38
  Speaker 4: I started to get tired of the casual dating scene
• 3:40
  Speaker 4: and began entertaining getting back with him.
• 3:43
  Speaker 3: I should have written you then.
• 3:44
  Speaker 4: To make a long story short, in June we kiss
• 3:47
  Speaker 4: at a party and within a month we agreed to
• 3:49
  Speaker 4: try things out again. Now I can't help, but think
• 3:51
  Speaker 4: it was a big mistake. We go on dates, and
• 3:53
  Speaker 4: when I'm with him, I really enjoy his company, But
• 3:55
  Speaker 4: when we're not together, I barely think about him or
• 3:58
  Speaker 4: try to communicate. I can't tell if I'm being emotionally
• 4:00
  Speaker 4: avoidant or if I don't like him as much anymore.
• 4:02
  Speaker 4: And maybe I was chasing a feeling I missed, not
• 4:04
  Speaker 4: a person. My twenty three year old brain is so
• 4:07
  Speaker 4: mad at itself. This isn't a great update, but an
• 4:10
  Speaker 4: honest and messy one. Please tell me you've been through
• 4:12
  Speaker 4: this before. I feel so guilty and unsure what to do.
• 4:15
  Speaker 4: Now Do I stick it out and try to see
• 4:16
  Speaker 4: if I change my mind or say goodbye sooner rather
• 4:19
  Speaker 4: than later?
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: Bella, what's the problem?
• 4:21
  Speaker 4: She was like trying to be friends with her ex,
• 4:23
  Speaker 4: and we were like, give them some space, and they
• 4:24
  Speaker 4: have like the same friend groups, so they're gonna run.
• 4:26
  Speaker 3: Into each other. Yeah, I think you're not that into
• 4:30
  Speaker 3: him anymore.
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: I don't. It doesn't sound like it.
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: If you're not thinking about them when you're not with them,
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: that's all you need to know.
• 4:35
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 4:36
  Speaker 4: Yeah, And I also think you don't need to beat
• 4:38
  Speaker 4: yourself up about kissing him.
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: When you like someone, that's all you think about, ding
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: ding ding.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: Right, So yeah, move on.
• 4:46
  Speaker 4: Yeah, okay, good job, Bella. And you're twenty three, it's
• 4:50
  Speaker 4: okay to like kiss. Oh yeah, don't beat yourself up either, Bella.
• 4:53
  Speaker 4: That is annoying. Don't do that.
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you're twenty three years old and you're a human being.
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: Everyone fucks up and it's not even a fuck up,
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: it's just yeah, recidivism.
• 5:06
  Speaker 3: Speaking of vercidivism, Brad. I started watching this show, Brad,
• 5:09
  Speaker 3: what is it called?
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: And god oj died? God serious speak, Brad.
• 5:15
  Speaker 4: What's that show called about the jail that's trying this experiment?
• 5:19
  Speaker 5: I think it's called a jail experiment?
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: Whoopsie did at all?
• 5:24
  Speaker 6: It's on Netflix.
• 5:25
  Speaker 5: There's a prison in like Kansas or something, and they
• 5:28
  Speaker 5: are trying like a European model of while they're still incarcerated.
• 5:32
  Speaker 5: They like open all the doors and there's no guards
• 5:35
  Speaker 5: inside the actual cell block and they can just like
• 5:38
  Speaker 5: come and go and they have to form their own
• 5:39
  Speaker 5: community within the jail.
• 5:41
  Speaker 7: It's pretty interesting.
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: Oh and does that how does that working out?
• 5:43
  Speaker 5: I've only seen episode three, so, but I mean.
• 5:46
  Speaker 4: It seems to be like nobody's killing each other. It
• 5:48
  Speaker 4: seems to be working out.
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah, give it time though, because although the guards probably
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: cause half of that distress, leave them alone and treat
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: them like human beings, maybe.
• 5:56
  Speaker 4: They'll completely Like they were being kept in their cells
• 5:58
  Speaker 4: for like twenty three hours a day, I'm like that,
• 6:00
  Speaker 4: it's basically a solitary confinement.
• 6:01
  Speaker 3: Anyone would go crazy and be horrible in that situation.
• 6:04
  Speaker 3: So I don't know. I'm really interested to see what happens.
• 6:07
  Speaker 4: Because like in Norway and stuff, they just like they
• 6:09
  Speaker 4: don't have any walls or locks or anything.
• 6:11
  Speaker 3: Everyone could just leave if they want, but they're not supposed.
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: To in prison.
• 6:15
  Speaker 3: In prison really oh yeah, it's completely It's like they're
• 6:22
  Speaker 3: out in the field.
• 6:22
  Speaker 4: They've got places where they live and they're not supposed
• 6:25
  Speaker 4: to go anywhere, but there's no walls.
• 6:26
  Speaker 3: It's I don't know, things are working in some different places.
• 6:31
  Speaker 5: Show is called Unlocked a jail experiment to jail experiment.
• 6:34
  Speaker 3: Well, I was closed, Yes, Chelsea, Yes, I'm Chelsea.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: Who are you? And Catherine? You're Catherine and I'm Chelsea.
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: I am so Catherine.
• 6:45
  Speaker 3: What do we want people to write in about this week?
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: I mean STDs? Oh yeah, making a comeback STDs.
• 6:51
  Speaker 3: They're having a moment.
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: Yeah, because people have been talking about it a lot lately.
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: I'm like, it's something going around and.
• 6:58
  Speaker 3: Well, right in to us about your STD questions.
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: Yes, please do.
• 7:02
  Speaker 3: Yeah, we can always have an expert on who who
• 7:04
  Speaker 3: we can deal.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: With, a gynecological expert like my father.
• 7:08
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and write in about your gynecological stuff too.
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: Or write in about your massages.
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: Because I had a questionable massage the other day and
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: he floated past my pikachu a couple times. I had
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: panties on, I had full panty protection. I actually put
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: a full panty on for double protection, and I was
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: and he swept my coslap this area twice, but he
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: touched my vagina in between my legs and then he
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: did it again and I and then I was like, oh,
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: I'm going to have to say stop thing.
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: And then he didn't do it again.
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: But I was about to say sir, like I couldn't
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: believe I had to say something. Yeah, I stopped sweeping
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: my vagina. Had he been different looking, I would have
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: been more open to the sweeping of the vagina, but
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: that was not my type.
• 7:50
  Speaker 4: Were you saying you have friends or one of your
• 7:52
  Speaker 4: friends was telling us that there's someone out in Beverly
• 7:54
  Speaker 4: Hills who's like.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: The guy the people go to to get out an orgasm.
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: I guess, oh, I don't remember that.
• 7:59
  Speaker 3: No, maybe those from a different Yes, maybe.
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: Sounds like it. Catherine's been moonlighting.
• 8:06
  Speaker 4: I'm great at massages, Chelsea. Should we take a break
• 8:08
  Speaker 4: and get to some callers.
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: Yes, let's take a break and we'll be right back.
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: And we're back. This is a caller Bonanza episode.
• 8:18
  Speaker 3: Truly, So this one actually is just an email.
• 8:20
  Speaker 4: So oh okay, Stephanie says, Dear Chelsea, I'm a forty
• 8:26
  Speaker 4: six year old mother of three who recently joined a gym.
• 8:29
  Speaker 4: Although I'm making some physical gains at the gym, these
• 8:32
  Speaker 4: gains are overshadowed by a dip in my self confidence.
• 8:35
  Speaker 4: My male instructor has taken two screaming at me when
• 8:38
  Speaker 4: my form is off or I'm making a small error.
• 8:40
  Speaker 4: There's a constant correction to the point where I leave
• 8:43
  Speaker 4: there feeling happy I completed the workout, but defeated for
• 8:46
  Speaker 4: letting him scream at me.
• 8:47
  Speaker 3: Sit strangers loo off? Do you I mean, do you
• 8:50
  Speaker 3: fuck with this this boot camp stuff?
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: No? No, I don't do that.
• 8:53
  Speaker 3: No, that's no, thank you.
• 8:54
  Speaker 4: I'm also conscious of my upbringing that included lots of
• 8:57
  Speaker 4: screaming and that others, mostly women in the room, may
• 9:00
  Speaker 4: be triggered by that approach. Is there a way to
• 9:02
  Speaker 4: let him know this approach is not working for me
• 9:04
  Speaker 4: and still retain a good relationship and work on my
• 9:06
  Speaker 4: fitness goals. Should I speak to him in person? Or
• 9:09
  Speaker 4: can I send him a well crafted email? I don't
• 9:11
  Speaker 4: want to quit, but I also don't want this dynamic
• 9:13
  Speaker 4: to continue. Help me find my inner strength so I
• 9:15
  Speaker 4: can continue to work on the outside.
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: Well, can't you just go to a different class?
• 9:19
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I think it's like a like a one on one,
• 9:21
  Speaker 4: But yeah, I would say change instructor.
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, just change instructors. You don't have to owe him anything.
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: Just go this This style isn't working for me. You
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: don't even have to explain yourself unless it's like the
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: trainer that the gym provides you, in which case you
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: can still change.
• 9:35
  Speaker 3: Yeah, trainer more than one and.
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: For some reason, if you can't change trainers, absolutely say
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: in person, Listen, the screaming and nailing doesn't work for me.
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: Like I'm actually trying to build my confidence, yeah, you know,
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: not deplete it, and that to me is a trigger.
• 9:48
  Speaker 4: And there's someone overseeing all these trainers, so like go
• 9:50
  Speaker 4: to the manager be like, hey, I need to switch,
• 9:52
  Speaker 4: Like this isn't.
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's not a big deal to switch trainers.
• 9:54
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I'd be like, I want someone who is supportive
• 9:57
  Speaker 3: or classes.
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: It sounds like other women are in the class, right,
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: I like classes classes. No, No, she's saying I don't know
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: how the other women feel.
• 10:04
  Speaker 4: I think she's saying, like the other women that are
• 10:06
  Speaker 4: just around hearing.
• 10:09
  Speaker 3: Which I get.
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah that's a great thing to bring up too.
• 10:11
  Speaker 4: Yeah, Like I would tell the manager like this doesn't
• 10:14
  Speaker 4: work for me, and I do worry about other people
• 10:15
  Speaker 4: like just hearing screaming in the background.
• 10:18
  Speaker 3: But I don't know.
• 10:19
  Speaker 4: I guess it does work for some people, because some
• 10:20
  Speaker 4: people love those boot camp things.
• 10:22
  Speaker 3: It's not my style.
• 10:23
  Speaker 4: No, my personal trainer that I started working with, she
• 10:27
  Speaker 4: has almost no personality. And I was talking to someone
• 10:31
  Speaker 4: about it and I'm like, you know, she doesn't make conversation.
• 10:33
  Speaker 4: I mean I worked with her for like six months
• 10:35
  Speaker 4: before she even asked me like what I do for
• 10:36
  Speaker 4: a living? Like the basics, right, and my friend was
• 10:40
  Speaker 4: just like, maybe you don't want to have a conversation
• 10:41
  Speaker 4: with your trainer, Like maybe you just want to like
• 10:43
  Speaker 4: stand there in silence between your sets.
• 10:45
  Speaker 3: And I was like, you know, maybe that's true.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: That's how I am with Ben Bruno. We barely speak
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: really well.
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: I mean we talk, but we have such a shorthand
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: it's like, yes, I've done plenty of workouts where we
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: haven't said a.
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: Word to each other. I love that I do too.
• 10:58
  Speaker 4: There's no pressure for me being like a Midwestern like
• 11:01
  Speaker 4: people please are conversation.
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: I think it's a good practice because it's good yeah,
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: because sometimes people don't want to fucking talk.
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: It's good to be able to pick up on that
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: as well.
• 11:09
  Speaker 3: First I was like kind of upset about it, and
• 11:11
  Speaker 3: then I was like, no.
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: I'm just gonna let this happen and work on your
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: body and actually focus on what you're doing.
• 11:16
  Speaker 4: Perfect and now a big round ass and I love it.
• 11:18
  Speaker 4: Look at you, Chelsea. I have a couple of friends
• 11:22
  Speaker 4: calling in. They are Chrissy and Melanie, and Chrissy's in
• 11:26
  Speaker 4: her forties, Melanie's and her fifties. Dear Chelsea, I'm an
• 11:30
  Speaker 4: avid listener who has always wanted to write in, but
• 11:32
  Speaker 4: I have had a hard time narrowing down my laundry
• 11:35
  Speaker 4: list of advice needed. When you said you were looking
• 11:38
  Speaker 4: for a couple or friends to come on the show,
• 11:39
  Speaker 4: I knew you were speaking to me. My best friend
• 11:42
  Speaker 4: of thirteen years is like a sister to me. We're
• 11:44
  Speaker 4: both single moms and we've gone through raising both of
• 11:47
  Speaker 4: our kids and multiple men together. There is plenty we
• 11:50
  Speaker 4: don't agree on, but our love for each other and
• 11:52
  Speaker 4: place in each other's families has always been enough to
• 11:54
  Speaker 4: overcome our differences. Here's the problem. My friend has been
• 11:57
  Speaker 4: dating her on again, off again boyfriend for over five years.
• 12:01
  Speaker 4: Very early in their relationship, he bought her an engagement
• 12:04
  Speaker 4: ring that he has used as a carrot to hold
• 12:06
  Speaker 4: over her head when the relationship starts to go off
• 12:09
  Speaker 4: the rails, and there's plenty to set it off the rails.
• 12:12
  Speaker 4: He does not get along with her eighteen year old daughter,
• 12:14
  Speaker 4: who is also like a daughter to me. He's prone
• 12:16
  Speaker 4: to throwing temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way
• 12:19
  Speaker 4: at times, ruining nights out or worse, entire vacations. But
• 12:23
  Speaker 4: beyond the surface personality deficit, he can also be very controlling.
• 12:26
  Speaker 4: He has pulled her boss aside to discuss how her
• 12:29
  Speaker 4: workload is affecting their relationship, which is so inappropriate, demanded
• 12:35
  Speaker 4: that she give back expensive gifts when they are on
• 12:37
  Speaker 4: a break, and then used them to lure her back.
• 12:41
  Speaker 4: I try to be supportive or at least silent when
• 12:43
  Speaker 4: they're together, but the problem is when they're not together,
• 12:46
  Speaker 4: I hear even more stories about how horrible he is
• 12:49
  Speaker 4: in so many ways. My friend is a strong independent woman.
• 12:52
  Speaker 4: She owned and sold her own business in a male
• 12:54
  Speaker 4: dominated field. She has her own Harley and rides around
• 12:57
  Speaker 4: in designer clothes, and she's never been one to your
• 13:00
  Speaker 4: mouth shut if a topic comes up she doesn't agree with.
• 13:03
  Speaker 4: How do I get her to open her eyes to
• 13:05
  Speaker 4: how bad this relationship really is and the negative impact
• 13:08
  Speaker 4: it's having on her daughter?
• 13:09
  Speaker 3: Or gulp?
• 13:10
  Speaker 4: Is this a me problem that I need to work
• 13:12
  Speaker 4: on accepting your situation and not sticking my head into
• 13:15
  Speaker 4: their business. Also, we've already considered becoming late in life
• 13:18
  Speaker 4: lesbians and blending our families, but for some reason, we're
• 13:21
  Speaker 4: both still attracted to men. Ugh, thank you for any
• 13:23
  Speaker 4: help with this, Chrissy and Melanie.
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: Hi, ladies, where are we Okay, there's Melanie. Hi, Melanie, Hi, Okay,
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: we're waiting for Chrissy. Hold on, Hi, Christy, how are
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: you hi?
• 13:36
  Speaker 6: Guys?
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: Hi, thanks for calling in. I love I love friendship stuff.
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: So this is great.
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: So Chrissy Okay, So you explained to us in your
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: letter very comprehensively how you feel about Melanie's on an
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: off boyfriend of five years. So Melanie, what do you
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: have to say? You know how Chrissy feels about him, right?
• 13:56
  Speaker 8: I do? And I absolutely respect everything she says to
• 14:00
  Speaker 8: me all the time. It's one of those things that's
• 14:04
  Speaker 8: really it's really hard for me. Sometimes I feel like
• 14:07
  Speaker 8: it's not hard for me to give up. It's hard
• 14:09
  Speaker 8: for me to hurt him, right, And there's a lot
• 14:14
  Speaker 8: of family dynamic that is starting to make it easier
• 14:18
  Speaker 8: for me to, you know, sometimes think.
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: About going that way, going what way?
• 14:23
  Speaker 6: To break up with him?
• 14:24
  Speaker 8: Okay, because my daughter does not like him at all,
• 14:28
  Speaker 8: and that's a big thing.
• 14:30
  Speaker 6: You know. I don't want to be that mom that is.
• 14:32
  Speaker 8: Like, you know, she says, oh, well, you can't come
• 14:34
  Speaker 8: over for Thanksgiving because she doesn't want my boyfriend to
• 14:37
  Speaker 8: come over.
• 14:38
  Speaker 6: I don't want her to. I don't want to be
• 14:40
  Speaker 6: in that position, right. It's tough, very.
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: Tough, and you're worried about hurting him. I mean, do
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: you feel like you're happy in this relationship?
• 14:47
  Speaker 6: Not one hundred percent. I feel like he is secure.
• 14:52
  Speaker 3: Like financially, emotionally.
• 14:54
  Speaker 8: Financial, even though he doesn't really do financial things for me.
• 14:58
  Speaker 8: But I know that in the end that I won't
• 15:02
  Speaker 8: have to worry.
• 15:03
  Speaker 6: That sounds really horrible.
• 15:05
  Speaker 4: Yeah, can I clarify something really quick, Melanie, because Chrissy,
• 15:10
  Speaker 4: when I read this email, I was like, oh, so
• 15:13
  Speaker 4: he gave you a ring early on, and Chrissy clarified
• 15:16
  Speaker 4: he hasn't actually given you the ring, he just owns it, right,
• 15:20
  Speaker 4: So you're not engaged.
• 15:22
  Speaker 6: Nope, we are not engaged.
• 15:23
  Speaker 4: What is your take on this ring situation? That he's
• 15:27
  Speaker 4: kind of holding it over you?
• 15:29
  Speaker 8: So I feel that he has like hung it in
• 15:34
  Speaker 8: front of me many times, and every time we talk
• 15:36
  Speaker 8: about it, there's always a different reason as to why
• 15:39
  Speaker 8: we shouldn't move forward, and typically it's well, your daughter
• 15:43
  Speaker 8: doesn't like me, we need to get her on board,
• 15:46
  Speaker 8: or well, now we're having problems with your mom, or
• 15:48
  Speaker 8: now we can't spend as much time together, And honestly,
• 15:53
  Speaker 8: even if we were to get engaged and married, we
• 15:56
  Speaker 8: wouldn't even be able to live together until, like I
• 16:01
  Speaker 8: take care of my or I'm going to be taking
• 16:02
  Speaker 8: care of my mother, So it would not be a
• 16:04
  Speaker 8: situation where we could even really live together full.
• 16:07
  Speaker 6: Time anyway, It would be a weird dynamic.
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: And what is your daughter? What doesn't she like about him?
• 16:13
  Speaker 8: He has no children, so he tends to act like
• 16:17
  Speaker 8: a child at times because he's never had to raise kids.
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: And are you attracted to that?
• 16:22
  Speaker 8: Well, I thought it was attracted to the fact that
• 16:24
  Speaker 8: he didn't have kids, right, But the childish behavior is
• 16:28
  Speaker 8: not attractive at all.
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: No, it sounds like he's actually quite unattractive on multiple levels.
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: And you are holding onto an idea about something that
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: may or may not happen in the future and looking
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: at that financial dependency as a reason to stay in
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: when he's exhibited all of the signs that he will
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: never be able to take care of you in his
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: comfort zone. Not that he won't be able to, he
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: won't take care of you, because if he was going
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: to take care of you, he would want to start
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: right away.
• 17:00
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you'd have already done it.
• 17:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so you're waiting for The one positive thing you
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: said about him was that he's financially secure, and I'm
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: here to tell you that his financial security will have
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: nothing to do with you.
• 17:12
  Speaker 4: Also, like you're dating in the age group that has
• 17:15
  Speaker 4: the most financial security, that should be something that's like
• 17:18
  Speaker 4: pretty easy to find someone who's like got their shit together.
• 17:22
  Speaker 6: I'm sure it is.
• 17:23
  Speaker 8: I mean, and I'm not unable to take care of myself.
• 17:26
  Speaker 8: I mean, I have been taking care of myself my
• 17:27
  Speaker 8: whole life, so it's not well.
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: I would argue that you're not taking care of yourself. Actually,
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: I think that you are not taking care of yourself
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: by allowing yourself to be in and out of a
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: five year relationship with someone that your friend who dearly
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: loves you is telling you she doesn't like, and then
• 17:42
  Speaker 2: your daughter is telling you she doesn't like.
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: If you can't.
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: Listen to those two people, they know better than you
• 17:48
  Speaker 2: do about this situation than you do, because you're in it,
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: and these are two people that you trust and love
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: over time, I really would implore you to listen to them.
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: They have your best interests. I promise you know they do.
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: This guy does not have your best interest, and I'm
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: not even sure you have your best interest right now.
• 18:05
  Speaker 6: You're probably right.
• 18:07
  Speaker 8: I definitely feel like some you know, I need to
• 18:09
  Speaker 8: let go. It's hard to let go when you're so
• 18:13
  Speaker 8: used to something.
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: I understand.
• 18:15
  Speaker 8: But the biggest issue for me is my daughter. I
• 18:18
  Speaker 8: love her more than life, as I'm sure you can understand,
• 18:21
  Speaker 8: and I don't ever want want to do anything to
• 18:23
  Speaker 8: hurt her. And when we have conversations and she's like, mom,
• 18:27
  Speaker 8: I just don't like him, and I'm sitting there going.
• 18:29
  Speaker 6: What do I do?
• 18:30
  Speaker 8: You know, like, Okay, I know what to do, but
• 18:32
  Speaker 8: it's really it's hard.
• 18:34
  Speaker 2: No, I know it's so hard to make that move.
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: I know it is, but you have to because listen,
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: this is your daughter. You're showing her what is acceptable.
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: You're showing and demonstrating to her, even if she says
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: she'll never do that. You are exhibiting for her what
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: she thinks is going to be okay at some point
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: down the line because she saw her own mother do it.
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: So you care about your daughter. She's the most important
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: thing in the world to you. You love her more than anything.
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: That alone right there, her dislike of him is reason
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: enough for you not to be in a relationship with him.
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: Break up.
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: Somebody gets hurt in a breakup all the time. You'll
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: get hurt, He'll get hurt. This is not the man
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: for you.
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: He's just not.
• 19:09
  Speaker 6: So.
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: In order for you to like go and find somebody
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: that is gonna be respected by your best friend here,
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: Chrissy and your daughter, you have to get out of
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: this relationship because there is something waiting for you that
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: is going to be much more fulfilling and much more
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: life altering and welcomed by the people that love you
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: instead of dismissed or rejected.
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean?
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: All you have to do is make the move and
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: you'll get to the next part of your great life.
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: I promise you you're financially secure. Don't depend on anybody
• 19:42
  Speaker 2: who is not bringing tons of shit to your table.
• 19:45
  Speaker 3: Joy bringing joy?
• 19:47
  Speaker 6: Yeah, joy for sure.
• 19:49
  Speaker 3: Chrissy.
• 19:50
  Speaker 4: Can you tell us a few things that you love
• 19:52
  Speaker 4: about Melanie and what kind of joy you would love
• 19:55
  Speaker 4: to see brought into her life?
• 19:57
  Speaker 6: Yes?
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: Is it okay if I cry?
• 19:59
  Speaker 8: Yeah?
• 20:00
  Speaker 3: Yes, I love you, Chris.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: That's nice.
• 20:05
  Speaker 7: Melanie is the strongest woman I know.
• 20:08
  Speaker 9: I met her when she was just going through a divorce,
• 20:11
  Speaker 9: she opened up a cigar shop, she had an all
• 20:15
  Speaker 9: male clientele.
• 20:16
  Speaker 7: She put these guys in their place. She rides a Harley.
• 20:20
  Speaker 7: She is like a tough chick.
• 20:23
  Speaker 9: And I hate to see that this man is having
• 20:28
  Speaker 9: this control over her because I know how amazing she is.
• 20:32
  Speaker 9: I know she's a great mom. I'm also a single mom.
• 20:36
  Speaker 9: She was there for me whenever I had my son.
• 20:40
  Speaker 9: We always talk about how we're going to end up
• 20:42
  Speaker 9: in a house in a New Hampshire making goat smoke
• 20:47
  Speaker 9: soap and running a farm someday.
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: That sounds so much like so much fun, you guys.
• 20:53
  Speaker 6: Yeah, it does nice, Yeah.
• 20:57
  Speaker 8: With our kids and grandkids, and it sounds like a
• 21:00
  Speaker 8: great time.
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it does sound like a great time. Melanie. You
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: know what you need to do.
• 21:04
  Speaker 6: I do.
• 21:05
  Speaker 8: And I definitely appreciate hearing it from you, Thank you
• 21:10
  Speaker 8: very much. And I appreciate hearing it from Chrissy. I
• 21:13
  Speaker 8: want to make sure that she knows that. And I
• 21:16
  Speaker 8: don't discount what she says because she is such an
• 21:19
  Speaker 8: amazing friend, and she tries to stay neutral, and I
• 21:23
  Speaker 8: know it's hard for her to stay neutral, and I
• 21:25
  Speaker 8: don't want her to feel that she has to stay
• 21:28
  Speaker 8: neutral with me. I want her to feel that she
• 21:30
  Speaker 8: can say whatever she wants to be, which she does,
• 21:32
  Speaker 8: so you know, I appreciate the advice.
• 21:35
  Speaker 6: And Chelsea, you're even more beautiful in person.
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: Ah you are too, Melanie, Thank you.
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: Start acting like it.
• 21:44
  Speaker 6: I know that.
• 21:46
  Speaker 3: I mean, this is a powerful friendship.
• 21:48
  Speaker 4: When Chrissy wrote in and I read that, Ema, I'm like,
• 21:50
  Speaker 4: there's no way she doesn't get her friend on the
• 21:51
  Speaker 4: call with this, you know, because you said you hadn't
• 21:53
  Speaker 4: like really addressed it yet, but here you are.
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: It's just such a beautiful friendship. Yeah, versus the person.
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: Melanie is thanking her friend Chrissy for intervening and even
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: for demonstrating this and loving like it's so beautiful. You
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: guys don't even You just need each other and you'll
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: be happy.
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah, thank you and your.
• 22:14
  Speaker 3: Daughter of course, yes, and her son.
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: But I promise you, once you make this decision, and
• 22:19
  Speaker 2: once you are able to go through with breaking it off,
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: you are going to feel a weight like an.
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: Albatross lifted off of your shoulders.
• 22:28
  Speaker 2: I promise you your future is going to be brighter
• 22:31
  Speaker 2: and lighter without this person in it.
• 22:34
  Speaker 6: Yeah. I agree.
• 22:35
  Speaker 8: I mean I've been there in that position, and then
• 22:37
  Speaker 8: I've come back and I think, why did I do that?
• 22:41
  Speaker 3: Yeah? Do you have thoughts about making it stick, Chelsea?
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: I mean I think you just have to go. I
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: think you have to write that stuff down. You have
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: to be like, I'm done with this relationship and I'm
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: ready to move forward, Like I'm ready to move forward
• 22:52
  Speaker 2: in my life and in my relationship with Chrissy, my
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: relationship with my daughter. And it's not even about men
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: coming up, but like the recidivism, which is a word
• 23:00
  Speaker 2: we threw around recently, going back and forth with relationships
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: is always a big red flag. Without even hearing anything
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: about him, and then hearing everything about him, it's all
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: red flags. It's just you're never going to get what
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: you want out of this relationship.
• 23:14
  Speaker 8: No, I don't think I will. I'm you know, I'm
• 23:16
  Speaker 8: committed to caring for my family. I'm committed to taking
• 23:19
  Speaker 8: care of my mom and you know, making sure that
• 23:22
  Speaker 8: she I don't like to talk about her dying, but
• 23:24
  Speaker 8: I mean I'm committed to making sure that she is
• 23:26
  Speaker 8: comfortable and I will never put her in a home.
• 23:29
  Speaker 6: Yeah, which puts.
• 23:30
  Speaker 8: Me in a in a position, but it's a position
• 23:32
  Speaker 8: that I've I've chosen.
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: Exactly, and you're strong.
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: Like you're strong, you can stay away from a person
• 23:38
  Speaker 2: if you really desire to do that.
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: It's not like you don't have control over yourself.
• 23:43
  Speaker 2: You do, and you want to demonstrate that for your
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: daughter more important than anything else. You want to show
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: her that you that you took it upon yourself to
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: walk away from him out of respect, partially for her feelings.
• 23:56
  Speaker 2: You know that means a lot, and I would I
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: would expect any mother to behave that way and understand
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: and respect.
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: Their children's feelings.
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: Your children don't get to decide who you go out with,
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: but if they are that bothered by somebody, you have
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: to look at that.
• 24:10
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 24:11
  Speaker 6: No, yeah.
• 24:12
  Speaker 4: I when I before Brad, I was in a really toxic,
• 24:16
  Speaker 4: negative situation and I thought I was in love with
• 24:19
  Speaker 4: this person.
• 24:20
  Speaker 3: I thought I was in love with this person for a
• 24:22
  Speaker 3: long time.
• 24:22
  Speaker 4: And it took everyone in my life who loved me,
• 24:25
  Speaker 4: my family, my friends who knew him, my friends who
• 24:28
  Speaker 4: didn't really know him but had heard about him, these
• 24:31
  Speaker 4: people who all loved me. It took so long of
• 24:33
  Speaker 4: them saying like this is not for you. I finally
• 24:36
  Speaker 4: had to be like I think this is still the
• 24:38
  Speaker 4: right thing for me. But if all these people who
• 24:40
  Speaker 4: just care about me are saying it's not good, I'm
• 24:43
  Speaker 4: just gonna bite the bullet. And two weeks later I
• 24:45
  Speaker 4: was like a completely different person, like noticeably different person.
• 24:50
  Speaker 3: And it was the best decision I ever made.
• 24:53
  Speaker 4: And you met your person after that, I did you
• 24:56
  Speaker 4: never said with somebody exactly if I hadn't broken that off,
• 24:59
  Speaker 4: I actually would never have been I would never have
• 25:01
  Speaker 4: moved cities and met Brown.
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: So you don't have to move, Melanie. Just get away
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: from that guy.
• 25:07
  Speaker 6: Yeah, no, I'm definitely not moving it at this point,
• 25:10
  Speaker 6: that's for sure.
• 25:11
  Speaker 8: We'll wait until we're ye set Chrissy and I are
• 25:13
  Speaker 8: set financially and we can have our little harem. I
• 25:16
  Speaker 8: love it with our goats and soap and all that.
• 25:21
  Speaker 3: I love this plan yoga else.
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: That reminds me of the saying where the crow flies?
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: I don't know why, but I thought I would just
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: throw that in for the mix, because I didn't understand
• 25:29
  Speaker 2: what that's saying meant for. Like I think I had
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: to ask someone last week. I'm like, where does the
• 25:33
  Speaker 2: crow fly where? We're like, oh, it's the most direct
• 25:36
  Speaker 2: route I'm like, what that's.
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: What that's saying is about? What's the point? Just say
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: the fastest way to get there.
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: Anyway, Thanks girls, Thank you, Chrissy, thanks for calling in,
• 25:46
  Speaker 2: and thanks Melanie. Have a great rest of your relationship
• 25:51
  Speaker 2: because it's going to be over soon.
• 25:54
  Speaker 8: And and I'm sure Chrissy will touch base with you
• 25:57
  Speaker 8: until you have.
• 25:58
  Speaker 2: And that doesn't have to be a sad part. Yeah,
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: like that can be a celebration also, sure.
• 26:02
  Speaker 3: And then go out and buy yourself a ring.
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah, by yourself a ring?
• 26:05
  Speaker 6: Yeah exactly, that's right, a great idea. Yeah, Christy will
• 26:10
  Speaker 6: go together.
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: Yes, yes, okay, bye girls, bye, thank you.
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: I felt like at some point during that, I felt like,
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: you know when you bring you go to therapy and
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: with couples therapy and you're like just waiting for the
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: doctor to say you're just waiting for them to go
• 26:27
  Speaker 2: in on your partner and you're just sitting there, like
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: Christy was sitting there just and I'm like, don't worry, honey,
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: I'm coming Like that's I wanted to say, don't worry,
• 26:34
  Speaker 2: I got your back, Like I'm going in.
• 26:37
  Speaker 4: Yeah, And I was like, we got to get Christy
• 26:38
  Speaker 4: in here. Because she's just like loving on her friends.
• 26:40
  Speaker 2: So yeah, that was really pretty friendship. That is so
• 26:42
  Speaker 2: nice and so well received. It's very gracious when people
• 26:45
  Speaker 2: receive criticism like that, even though it's not about her,
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: it is about her because she's participating in a relationship
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: with somebody who's not doesn't value her.
• 26:55
  Speaker 4: And she, I mean, Christy just loves Melanie. That's her
• 26:58
  Speaker 4: only motivation here, right. It's like, if someone thinks that
• 27:01
  Speaker 4: you should break up with someone who's toxic, it's not
• 27:03
  Speaker 4: because they want something bad for you.
• 27:04
  Speaker 3: It's because they want the best for you, you know so.
• 27:08
  Speaker 3: And I also think there was a really good lesson
• 27:10
  Speaker 3: in here too.
• 27:11
  Speaker 4: We you know, constantly are like, address the situation with
• 27:14
  Speaker 4: your friend or your whoever you're having the issue with,
• 27:17
  Speaker 4: bring it up, talk about it, get it out. And
• 27:20
  Speaker 4: this is a situation where they had the hard conversation
• 27:24
  Speaker 4: and the person wasn't upset about it.
• 27:26
  Speaker 3: She was receptive.
• 27:26
  Speaker 2: Yes, right exactly, Yeah, yeah, so right, a perfect example.
• 27:32
  Speaker 4: You can go, yeah, yeah, well let's do an email
• 27:36
  Speaker 4: and then we'll come back with Marguerite. This is from Cindy.
• 27:39
  Speaker 4: She's in her forties. Dear Chelsea, last year I left
• 27:43
  Speaker 4: a fifteen year marriage. I'm finally at the point where
• 27:45
  Speaker 4: I'm at peace with my divorce and my new life.
• 27:48
  Speaker 4: I'm comfortable being single, enjoy the freedom of not having
• 27:51
  Speaker 4: to answer to anyone, love being a mother to my boys,
• 27:54
  Speaker 4: and I'm in the position to pursue whatever I want
• 27:56
  Speaker 4: professionally and personally.
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: Nice. Yeah, fucking so crushing it.
• 28:01
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I currently have a friend with benefits. Well, I
• 28:04
  Speaker 4: don't believe I could actively have sex with multiple partners.
• 28:07
  Speaker 4: My FWB has made it very clear he wants to
• 28:10
  Speaker 4: explore sex with multiple women using protection.
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: He was WB's fuck fuck buddy, a.
• 28:15
  Speaker 4: Friend with BENEFI oh sorry, which that's actually an important
• 28:18
  Speaker 4: distinction that I want to get into with those email.
• 28:20
  Speaker 4: He was married for sixteen years and a virgin before that,
• 28:23
  Speaker 4: so I understand his desire to explore sex. I'm wrestling
• 28:26
  Speaker 4: with the idea of dating and relationships in my forties
• 28:29
  Speaker 4: as a newly single woman.
• 28:31
  Speaker 3: I'm not sure that I.
• 28:32
  Speaker 4: Truly want to settle down, but I also foresee wanting
• 28:34
  Speaker 4: someone to enjoy life with within ten years. My only
• 28:37
  Speaker 4: concern is that I want my FWB to eventually want
• 28:40
  Speaker 4: monogamy with me, and I'll end up getting hurt.
• 28:43
  Speaker 3: The sex is amazing.
• 28:44
  Speaker 4: We enjoy spending time together and engage in deep, meaningful conversations.
• 28:49
  Speaker 4: Our values other than this align. Am I setting myself
• 28:52
  Speaker 4: up for hurt with my FWB? Or should I just
• 28:54
  Speaker 4: enjoy the ride, Cindy.
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: Enjoy the fucking ride. When people tell you something, leave them,
• 29:01
  Speaker 2: you know, just believe it. Just take that at face value.
• 29:04
  Speaker 2: Don't look for a hidden meeting or maybe they'll come around. No,
• 29:07
  Speaker 2: they just fucking told you they want to fuck other people.
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: So as long as you're okay with that, be with them,
• 29:13
  Speaker 2: enjoy the sex, and you fuck.
• 29:14
  Speaker 3: Other people too, Yeah, and like date other people, like
• 29:17
  Speaker 3: you can just like have.
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: A lot of actually thinking so far ahead into the
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: future too, we could all be dead by then. Like,
• 29:23
  Speaker 2: just enjoy what is happening in this moment as much
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: as you possibly can. And if you get too attached
• 29:30
  Speaker 2: to this person who is unavailable, then you need to
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: dismantle that relationship and go, yeah, sex with someone else.
• 29:36
  Speaker 2: And you know it's not just like people don't just
• 29:38
  Speaker 2: like turn into what you want them to be.
• 29:41
  Speaker 4: I think friends with benefits is like the most confusing thing,
• 29:44
  Speaker 4: because I.
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: Think that is a great arrangement.
• 29:47
  Speaker 4: Well, like fuck buddy to me is like they come over,
• 29:49
  Speaker 4: you have sex, you're friendly, and.
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: Then they like right, oh yeah, right right, okay, Okay, we're.
• 29:54
  Speaker 4: Having these deep conversations or like connecting, Like you can't
• 29:58
  Speaker 4: not catch feelings of that situation.
• 29:59
  Speaker 2: When you are talking about things. Yes, of course you're
• 30:02
  Speaker 2: gonna get your feelings about that.
• 30:04
  Speaker 4: Yeah, So I think kick him out after it's over,
• 30:06
  Speaker 4: and then like stop trying to have a friendship.
• 30:09
  Speaker 3: It's fuck buddy, right, That's what I think.
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: I think, fuck buddy, yeah.
• 30:13
  Speaker 3: And then also have additional fuck buddies.
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, layer, layer up. Okay.
• 30:20
  Speaker 4: So this is from Marguerite. Dear Chelsea. I had a
• 30:23
  Speaker 4: baby five months ago. I'm thirty eight, single and did
• 30:26
  Speaker 4: it on my own and it's been awesome.
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: Nice.
• 30:29
  Speaker 4: Literally the day I gave birth, my lifelong friend John
• 30:32
  Speaker 4: introduced me to his new boyfriend. A week postpartum, John
• 30:35
  Speaker 4: told me that he and his new boyfriend were engaged
• 30:37
  Speaker 4: and getting married in just a few short months. John
• 30:40
  Speaker 4: met his boyfriend on a dating app. His boyfriend is
• 30:43
  Speaker 4: from Columbia. John doesn't speak Spanish and this boyfriend does
• 30:46
  Speaker 4: not speak English, so they communicate solely through Google Translate.
• 30:49
  Speaker 4: I tried to be as supportive as possible and had
• 30:52
  Speaker 4: them both over for dinner a number of times. I
• 30:54
  Speaker 4: was apprehensive because of the speed of the relationship. They
• 30:57
  Speaker 4: moved in together after three weeks, were engaged in a month,
• 31:00
  Speaker 4: and eventually married in four months. Coming from an Irish family,
• 31:03
  Speaker 4: we had a big baptism for my son at a
• 31:05
  Speaker 4: restaurant in Alphabet City. There were ten courses at an
• 31:08
  Speaker 4: open bar. I was breastfeeding and so I didn't drink.
• 31:11
  Speaker 4: I thought the night was a big hit and went
• 31:13
  Speaker 4: home with a clear, tired mind. The next day, however,
• 31:16
  Speaker 4: John abruptly ended our friendship over text, saying that I
• 31:20
  Speaker 4: had offended his boyfriend. A few days later, his mother
• 31:23
  Speaker 4: emailed me and reinforced that his family was cutting ties
• 31:27
  Speaker 4: and alluded to how I had treated his partner. His
• 31:29
  Speaker 4: mother wasn't even at the baptism. There were twenty people
• 31:33
  Speaker 4: there who can attest nothing happened. I hardly spoke to
• 31:36
  Speaker 4: John or the boyfriend. Busy as you are at such
• 31:38
  Speaker 4: rocous events, I don't know how to move forward. Being
• 31:41
  Speaker 4: in the mental health field for over a decade, I
• 31:43
  Speaker 4: can see the signs of control and abuse which begin
• 31:46
  Speaker 4: with isolating the partner from those closest to them.
• 31:49
  Speaker 3: Sorry, this is long winded.
• 31:50
  Speaker 4: I just would like advice on how to navigate the
• 31:52
  Speaker 4: end of one of my closest friendships and the misinformation
• 31:54
  Speaker 4: around an innocuous day, and how to get my friend
• 31:57
  Speaker 4: back if I can. Thanks so much, Marguerite, Hi, Hi guy,
• 32:03
  Speaker 4: Hi Marguerite.
• 32:04
  Speaker 3: How are you good?
• 32:06
  Speaker 7: Thanks for having me?
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure.
• 32:09
  Speaker 4: So I have a couple questions that I want to clarify.
• 32:12
  Speaker 4: First of all, how supposedly did you offend the boyfriend?
• 32:17
  Speaker 3: Do you speak Spanish?
• 32:18
  Speaker 7: I don't, so.
• 32:20
  Speaker 3: How could you even have offended him?
• 32:22
  Speaker 7: That's the thing. It's all such a mystery.
• 32:24
  Speaker 1: Did you ask them when you heard from them? What happened?
• 32:27
  Speaker 7: Well, I got blocked. And this is like a thirty
• 32:31
  Speaker 7: year friend, Like we didn't text, like maybe texting to
• 32:34
  Speaker 7: like confirm where we were meeting up, but I just
• 32:38
  Speaker 7: got a text saying it's over. And then he like,
• 32:42
  Speaker 7: I don't have social media, but my mom does. My
• 32:45
  Speaker 7: mom told me that he blocked around all the social media.
• 32:48
  Speaker 7: It was just over.
• 32:50
  Speaker 3: It's so strange.
• 32:51
  Speaker 7: So and I asked everybody, and I was the most
• 32:54
  Speaker 7: sober one by miles, and I asked everybody, like, does
• 32:57
  Speaker 7: anybody notice anything weird happen? Anything, nothing that's so strange.
• 33:03
  Speaker 7: I also have this question, do you know for sure?
• 33:07
  Speaker 4: I mean, obviously the mother emailed you as well, But
• 33:09
  Speaker 4: could it have been this boyfriend texting you from your
• 33:12
  Speaker 4: friend's phone.
• 33:14
  Speaker 7: Because he doesn't speak English or he didn't I mean
• 33:17
  Speaker 7: unless there's like a but.
• 33:18
  Speaker 2: If he doesn't speak English and the other guy doesn't
• 33:21
  Speaker 2: speak Spanish.
• 33:23
  Speaker 7: They use Google Translate when they communicate, this.
• 33:27
  Speaker 4: Must be I watch a lot of Ninety Day Fiance,
• 33:31
  Speaker 4: so this is fascinating to me.
• 33:33
  Speaker 7: Can you imagine thirty years.
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: And you didn't respond to his mother?
• 33:38
  Speaker 7: So I did?
• 33:39
  Speaker 6: I did?
• 33:40
  Speaker 3: What did you say that?
• 33:41
  Speaker 7: I was trying to be like enlightened, and I just said,
• 33:45
  Speaker 7: I think you need to check on your son because
• 33:48
  Speaker 7: I didn't want to defend myself right like I didn't
• 33:51
  Speaker 7: because the more I defend, the more it looks like
• 33:54
  Speaker 7: you know that check on your kid because nothing happened.
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: Well, listen, I don't know what you can do because obviously.
• 34:03
  Speaker 4: I want her to go stock him at work and
• 34:05
  Speaker 4: like go be like can we talk? Can we get coffee?
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 34:09
  Speaker 2: I mean I would try a little bit harder to
• 34:11
  Speaker 2: find out, Like send him an email and be like, listen,
• 34:14
  Speaker 2: I have asked everyone at that wedding. I was completely
• 34:17
  Speaker 2: sober at that wedding. I don't speak Spanish. I would
• 34:20
  Speaker 2: like to know exactly what I did to deserve the
• 34:23
  Speaker 2: ending of a thirty year friendship. It feels very abrupt,
• 34:26
  Speaker 2: and it feels like very undeserving, and you've caused me
• 34:30
  Speaker 2: a lot of heartache.
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: And I don't even know what I did.
• 34:33
  Speaker 2: How could I have offended him if I don't speak
• 34:35
  Speaker 2: Spanish and he speaks Spanish only.
• 34:37
  Speaker 7: How so it was my son's baptism, and his mother
• 34:41
  Speaker 7: wrote in the email, this was verbatim that I used
• 34:46
  Speaker 7: my son as a weapon of hate. In the email, I.
• 34:50
  Speaker 3: Mean, what does that even mean.
• 34:52
  Speaker 7: I was literally like eating my eggplanted rollatiny, being like
• 34:56
  Speaker 7: like they're boring. This stuff is boring. Baptisms are boring.
• 34:59
  Speaker 7: These are just the events that we go through. Yeah,
• 35:02
  Speaker 7: it was so innocuous.
• 35:03
  Speaker 1: I feel like you. I mean, you can send the email.
• 35:05
  Speaker 2: I wouldn't get your hopes up about a reasonable response,
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: because if it is this control thing that you're thinking,
• 35:12
  Speaker 2: then there's nothing you're gonna be able to do you
• 35:14
  Speaker 2: know what I mean, as long as he's married to
• 35:15
  Speaker 2: that guy. But you can try one more time to
• 35:19
  Speaker 2: open up that conversation. To be like this is very upsetting,
• 35:22
  Speaker 2: especially when I'm not you were at my baptism. I
• 35:24
  Speaker 2: can't imagine what I did to deserve a weapon of hate.
• 35:28
  Speaker 2: Like that's very strong language.
• 35:30
  Speaker 3: Yeah, And I.
• 35:32
  Speaker 4: Mean if you're blocked on email, maybe it's like a
• 35:34
  Speaker 4: letter to his work or something like something physical that
• 35:37
  Speaker 4: you can get through, because it just it just feels
• 35:41
  Speaker 4: so confusing, and I think i'd let him know, like
• 35:43
  Speaker 4: I'm so confused. I don't know what happened. Can we
• 35:46
  Speaker 4: can we talk? Can we meet? And even if the
• 35:49
  Speaker 4: relationship can't be repaired right now while he's in this,
• 35:51
  Speaker 4: like let him know that you love him and you're here.
• 35:55
  Speaker 7: But it's almost like do I still love him?
• 35:57
  Speaker 6: Like not?
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I don't know.
• 36:02
  Speaker 2: How are you feeling about the loss of friendship other
• 36:05
  Speaker 2: than confused?
• 36:06
  Speaker 7: I think I started as really like I started with sadness.
• 36:10
  Speaker 7: I mean, this was like not just like a text
• 36:12
  Speaker 7: check in friend. This was one of my closest friends
• 36:15
  Speaker 7: since third grade. Like I mean I saw him once
• 36:18
  Speaker 7: a week and minimum. We had spent Christmas together, Thanksgivings,
• 36:23
  Speaker 7: like we were family, Like my mother considered him another son,
• 36:27
  Speaker 7: like he was a part of my tribe. He was
• 36:30
  Speaker 7: one of my people. And so I felt really abandoned,
• 36:34
  Speaker 7: especially because I'm a single mom. I'd just give him
• 36:36
  Speaker 7: birth and you just dump me for some guy you've
• 36:40
  Speaker 7: known for, you know, thirty one days. And now I
• 36:44
  Speaker 7: think I moved through that. Then I dealt with the anger,
• 36:48
  Speaker 7: and now I just kind of feel sorry for him,
• 36:51
  Speaker 7: which is a terrible thing to feel towards someone like
• 36:53
  Speaker 7: that takes away their power. But in a way, I
• 36:56
  Speaker 7: do feel sorry for him, like you're losing an authentick
• 37:00
  Speaker 7: friend and not giving them this space to even defend themselves.
• 37:06
  Speaker 6: Yeah, you're shutting it.
• 37:08
  Speaker 7: Down so quickly because you know there's no room for rationality.
• 37:15
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I think I think you're absolutely right about that.
• 37:18
  Speaker 4: And like you said, you worked in mental health. You
• 37:20
  Speaker 4: can like see when someone's being blatantly controlled, and that's
• 37:22
  Speaker 4: like very clear that's what's happening here.
• 37:24
  Speaker 3: But I think you owe it to both of you.
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: Clear, I mean, is that clear?
• 37:29
  Speaker 3: I think it is.
• 37:30
  Speaker 2: It's very mysterious, like how can you control someone when
• 37:33
  Speaker 2: you can't speak the same language.
• 37:34
  Speaker 3: Good question.
• 37:36
  Speaker 4: I have a friend who went through this actually with
• 37:38
  Speaker 4: someone that she she was actually the immigrant. She was
• 37:41
  Speaker 4: from Canada, and she was like trying to stay here
• 37:43
  Speaker 4: and she like stayed with a guy who told her
• 37:45
  Speaker 4: she couldn't talk to her two gay best friends anymore
• 37:48
  Speaker 4: because they had introduced her to her ex. What cut
• 37:52
  Speaker 4: her off from the rest of us who are like
• 37:54
  Speaker 4: neighbors and friends, cut her off from her own family.
• 37:57
  Speaker 4: I mean, that's what these people do, like bad boyfriends.
• 38:00
  Speaker 3: But that's what they think.
• 38:01
  Speaker 2: That's one option. That's not the option. Right, You didn't
• 38:05
  Speaker 2: know anything? I mean, did you get that impression leading up?
• 38:07
  Speaker 7: Well, I was postpartum as a single mom, right like,
• 38:11
  Speaker 7: so I wasn't like spending my energy. But I did
• 38:13
  Speaker 7: obviously think about it, and I got this sense that
• 38:17
  Speaker 7: they didn't know each other very well. But I also
• 38:20
  Speaker 7: kept that in because I knew that the more I
• 38:23
  Speaker 7: told John my concerns, the more he was going to
• 38:25
  Speaker 7: run into the arms of this guy. I also believe
• 38:28
  Speaker 7: everyone has agency and can make decisions on their own time.
• 38:32
  Speaker 7: So I hold all of my fears and concerns in,
• 38:36
  Speaker 7: but I do think if I'm looking at the perspective
• 38:39
  Speaker 7: of the boyfriend, like it is about survival, like he
• 38:42
  Speaker 7: does need a green card, and maybe I was a
• 38:46
  Speaker 7: barrier to that. I don't know, but I just can't
• 38:49
  Speaker 7: believe that my friend would throw away that intimate of
• 38:53
  Speaker 7: a friendship.
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: Well, that's really lame.
• 38:55
  Speaker 2: I mean, yeah, of course, it's hugely disappointing, and I
• 38:59
  Speaker 2: would just walk away from it if you can, because
• 39:02
  Speaker 2: it's you're almost opening up a wound where you're not
• 39:05
  Speaker 2: going to get or you're going to get some bullshit
• 39:07
  Speaker 2: story that they don't even know. But the fact that
• 39:09
  Speaker 2: he did ditch you for somebody who needed a green
• 39:14
  Speaker 2: card that he had known for thirty one days is
• 39:16
  Speaker 2: pretty much all you need to know about that friendship,
• 39:20
  Speaker 2: right even though it was thirty years, Like, he's not
• 39:23
  Speaker 2: thinking clearly in this relationship. This relationship probably won't last
• 39:27
  Speaker 2: that long.
• 39:28
  Speaker 7: And then it's like, guess, part of my question too,
• 39:31
  Speaker 7: is what do I do when inevitably he comes crawling
• 39:35
  Speaker 7: back or knocking.
• 39:36
  Speaker 2: Well, then you have an opportunity to be graceful and
• 39:39
  Speaker 2: to be like, yeah, that was really shitty and sucky,
• 39:42
  Speaker 2: and as long as he's not in that like Hubris
• 39:47
  Speaker 2: that he was in marrying this guy. He's not thinking
• 39:49
  Speaker 2: clearly around that guy and around that situation. And his
• 39:53
  Speaker 2: mother for sending that email, is also not thinking clearly
• 39:57
  Speaker 2: because what is she thinking her She's just watching her
• 39:59
  Speaker 2: son get married to he needs a green guard that
• 40:01
  Speaker 2: he's known for thirty one days, and she's also on the.
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: Team this guy, this guy, I mean, it doesn't make
• 40:06
  Speaker 1: any sense.
• 40:08
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I would give him another chance to I mean,
• 40:10
  Speaker 4: just for the sake of the fact.
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: That you have lapses in judgment and he's having one.
• 40:15
  Speaker 4: It seems like an important enough relationship to you, and
• 40:18
  Speaker 4: you have so much history that like, hopefully you can
• 40:21
  Speaker 4: eventually get some back of what you had before.
• 40:24
  Speaker 1: But who knows, you might not have a friendship with
• 40:26
  Speaker 1: him again.
• 40:27
  Speaker 7: No, I know, because how do you really repair that?
• 40:30
  Speaker 6: Right?
• 40:30
  Speaker 2: I said, don't worry about repairing it because you're not
• 40:32
  Speaker 2: there yet. When the time comes, If and when the
• 40:35
  Speaker 2: time comes, I promise you will be able to find
• 40:38
  Speaker 2: it in your bandwidth and heart to go. Oh you
• 40:41
  Speaker 2: know what, it's just happy to see you again. You're back,
• 40:44
  Speaker 2: The real you is back. If and when that happens,
• 40:47
  Speaker 2: it may never happen. So I think for you, you
• 40:50
  Speaker 2: should just try And I think pity is a good
• 40:53
  Speaker 2: way to get over something. To feel pity for him,
• 40:56
  Speaker 2: I think that helps you get to the place where
• 40:58
  Speaker 2: you're at peace.
• 40:58
  Speaker 1: With not having him in your life anymore.
• 41:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah, after the pedigree, thank you guys, and I'm sorry
• 41:04
  Speaker 2: that happened to you.
• 41:05
  Speaker 1: That sounds really confusing. Yeah, that's fucking what do they
• 41:09
  Speaker 1: think that you didn't approve of his gay lifestyle? Is
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: that what she means by no?
• 41:13
  Speaker 7: I think that he I like, I really think if
• 41:17
  Speaker 7: I'm being like honest and zooming out and using my
• 41:20
  Speaker 7: third eye, I think the boyfriend saw, oh, this is
• 41:23
  Speaker 7: someone who has a huge family, huge support in the city,
• 41:28
  Speaker 7: and could eventually become a barrier to me marrying this
• 41:32
  Speaker 7: guy because they married, Like, they disinvited me from their
• 41:35
  Speaker 7: wedding that night and then they went on to get married.
• 41:38
  Speaker 7: So I think it was like the boyfriend saw, oh,
• 41:41
  Speaker 7: she like is a real person. I need to like
• 41:44
  Speaker 7: get her out of the way.
• 41:45
  Speaker 1: Wow.
• 41:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that does sound very controlling. Them disinviting you to
• 41:48
  Speaker 2: the wedding is very like he's being controlled, because who
• 41:50
  Speaker 2: would do that after a thirty year friendship?
• 41:53
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I'm just going to disinvite my friend.
• 41:55
  Speaker 3: Yeah, my best friend.
• 41:56
  Speaker 2: You're that crazy. So there's that normal, seem very normal
• 42:00
  Speaker 2: and with it. And I would focus on the friends
• 42:02
  Speaker 2: that you do have in your life and that's unfortunate,
• 42:05
  Speaker 2: and always reserve a warmth space in your heart for
• 42:07
  Speaker 2: his return. Yeah, thanks guys, And remember, Marguerite, you don't
• 42:11
  Speaker 2: have to deal with anything before it happens, so true.
• 42:15
  Speaker 7: Yeah, yeah, so just let go.
• 42:17
  Speaker 3: Yeah, let go, and let us know if he pops
• 42:19
  Speaker 3: back up. Thank you, Okay, thanks Margerite.
• 42:23
  Speaker 6: Bye.
• 42:25
  Speaker 1: Oh sweetie, Wow, I'd like to know that story. I know,
• 42:30
  Speaker 1: I want to know what her friend things happened.
• 42:33
  Speaker 6: Yeah.
• 42:33
  Speaker 4: It's so weird to me when like a new partner
• 42:35
  Speaker 4: of somebody like takes a friendship as competition, you know.
• 42:39
  Speaker 7: Right.
• 42:40
  Speaker 2: Okay, So we're going to take a break and we'll
• 42:42
  Speaker 2: be right back. And we're right back with Catherine and
• 42:48
  Speaker 2: Chelsea and we are wrapping up our solo episode. If
• 42:51
  Speaker 2: you have questions, if you have concerns, you can write
• 42:55
  Speaker 2: into the show, call into the show with your friends.
• 42:57
  Speaker 2: We love couples, we love that dynamic or friend's.
• 43:01
  Speaker 1: Sisters, that sort of thing. And if you want to
• 43:04
  Speaker 1: come see me on tour.
• 43:05
  Speaker 2: Chelseahandler dot com is where you get your tickets, and
• 43:07
  Speaker 2: I'm performing at a city near you, in a city
• 43:10
  Speaker 2: near you.
• 43:12
  Speaker 1: Wait to way to end the podcast with a grammatical error.
• 43:14
  Speaker 1: My favorite on.
• 43:15
  Speaker 3: A city near you, on a city which is city
• 43:19
  Speaker 3: near you?
• 43:20
  Speaker 2: Bye bye bye Okay. So upcoming shows that I have
• 43:24
  Speaker 2: you guys. August seventeenth is the Santa Barbara Bowl. You
• 43:28
  Speaker 2: do not want to miss that. And then I will
• 43:30
  Speaker 2: be all over Maine, Charlotte, North Carolina, Charleston, South Carolina.
• 43:36
  Speaker 2: I'm coming to Texas. I'm coming to Saint Louis and
• 43:38
  Speaker 2: Kansas City, and then I will be in Las Vegas
• 43:41
  Speaker 2: performing at the Chelsea Theater inside the Cosmopolitan Hotel. My
• 43:45
  Speaker 2: first three dates in Vegas our September first, Labor Day weekend,
• 43:49
  Speaker 2: and then November second and November thirtieth. I'm coming to Brooklyn,
• 43:53
  Speaker 2: New York, at the King's Theater on November eighth, and
• 43:57
  Speaker 2: I have tickets on sale throughout the end of the
• 44:00
  Speaker 2: year in December, so if you're in a city like
• 44:04
  Speaker 2: Philadelphia or Bethlehem, or San Diego or New Orleans or Omaha,
• 44:09
  Speaker 2: check Chelseahandler dot com for tickets.
• 44:11
  Speaker 6: Okay.
• 44:12
  Speaker 4: If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email
• 44:14
  Speaker 4: at Dear Chelsea podcast at.
• 44:16
  Speaker 3: Gmail dot com and be sure to include your phone number.
• 44:19
  Speaker 4: Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive
• 44:22
  Speaker 4: producer Catherine Law and be sure to check out our
• 44:25
  Speaker 4: merch at Chelseahandler dot com