Latest / Relatively Functional Dads / Episode 005 – The Thankless Dad: Serving When No One Notices

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Episode 005 – The Thankless Dad: Serving When No One Notices · Relatively Functional Dads

• Audio: Let's go get them. Let's go get them. We made it, baby. I know this is your long day. We made it to bedtime, which means the boys are back on the pod. So, sir. Hey guys, thanks for joining in dads. ⁓ really curious what you're doing, listening in. maybe you're driving back from the gym. Maybe you're like me doing yard work this week. I was scooping some dog poop, had a little pod in. Maybe, maybe you're as holy as a producer Noah and you throw in the air pods, get your favorite, ⁓ podcasts in and. The Boys And Audio: welcome to the Relatively Functional Dads podcast for fathers doing their best and learning every day. We're just three relatives walking through faith, fatherhood, and real life together. That was me. ⁓ experts here, just honest conversations about the wins, the struggles, and the moments that shape us as men and dads. Some days we've got it together, other days we're just trying to get to bedtime, but we keep showing up. And if you're dad... ⁓ In the middle of it too, you're in the right place. Let's journey through this together. Audio: Get out of Loosen up the wrist and give your wife a nice back rub. Yes, sir. When he told me that last episode after we finished recording, I felt a lot less about myself. I understand. However you join us, yeah. Thanks for being here. Really, would love to, if you're listening on Spotify or YouTube, would love to hear what you're doing while you're listening to this, because God knows no one's just sitting and listening. We don't got time as dads just to sit and listen. We're multitasking. So anyways, Reese, we got a really, really great show. Stacked show. Thanks for prepping for us. And ⁓ today what we're talking about is the motivation behind why we serve our families. So we're, you know, five, this is our fifth episode, five episodes in now, and ⁓ trying to figure out not only what is the right thing to do, but why do you do it so that you can have that sustained effort. So ⁓ you wrote in the notes here, it's easy to serve. I don't know if that's quite true. ⁓ But all of us as selfless fathers are learning how to serve. The thing that is much harder is serving without expecting anything in return. So that's what we're talking about today is the heart of a servant, serving without anything, no expectations for something back. So maybe it's subtle. You just want some respect. Can't get no respect. Can't get no respect. Maybe it's a thank you. Could be a treat. What kind of treat? Kitchen treat. Bedroom treat. Huh? Bedroom treat. Nick, off, new girl, anyone? So ⁓ all of us are, whether we want to it or not, we have mixed motives for why we do what we do and it's subtle and we don't always realize it. So yeah, that's what we're going to get into today. Reese, tell the people how they can support us because we need about, I don't know, 15 seconds of their time. Yes, sir. Subscribe, leave a comment, like YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, anywhere that you can get a podcast. We're on there somewhere. So, would appreciate the subscription and why don't you tell them what's gonna happen ⁓ if we hit 50 subs. Word on the street is if we get 50 subs, you're gonna shave your entire body. Yes, and I have definitely run this by Elly and she's given the complete okay for it. The human porpoise. ⁓ Okay, so hang on, on. When... In what time frame do we have to like just 50 subscribers? 50 in general. Live. I think we're like probably three short at the time of this recording of overall subs. So anyways, you can book that, but seriously it ⁓ is an awesome way to help us get the word out because ⁓ we put in lot of effort and prayer into this and we want to see how God uses it in people's lives. So would really love if anything, the most important thing probably is drop a comment if you're listening on Spotify or YouTube. I would love to hear words of encouragement. We would love to encourage you. We would love to hear segment ideas, episode ideas, ⁓ so that we can be sharing the things that y'all want to hear. Maybe you got questions. Questions are really fun. And what we want to do is we want to share those comments. We want to share those questions. And God knows we don't have an answer, but we will have a response. That is our promise to you. So, Reese, I think we got our first one. What you got, man? Yes, sir. ⁓ Reese read a comment- wait hold on. YouTube episode 3 from Josh Dugger-K9G. Thank you Josh. Yes sir. Entitlement. Who it would have slash has so many layers just like an onion. ⁓ When reflecting it had me tearing up. Y'all shooting 100 % so far through three episodes. God is doing work through you fellas. Question. As sons was entitlement ever taught by your dads and do y'all plan on teaching it to your kiddos? you, Josh. Buddy, you got any thoughts on that question? Great question. We had a sports reference. We had a Shrek reference. That is a high bar for comments for, man, if you can get all that in, you will be featured on the show. That's correct. So yeah, I love the question. I was thinking about this a little ahead of time. I don't remember my parents specifically talking to me about that. ⁓ But the things that they did that I want to do for my kids, so for the listeners who don't know, I got a four and a half year old, a two and a half year old, and we're the over-unders at about 12 days before we have our third right now. So time of this recording, we are due in exactly two weeks. ⁓ being at this age with toddlers ⁓ young children, ⁓ I think gratitude is a foundation. So if you haven't listened to episode three, go back and listen to episode three talking about entitlement. You combat entitlement by gratitude. So really having that foundation, I was really taught that at a young age. My parents did a great job with that. Shout out to mom and dad. But ⁓ starting there, and then the other thing I wrote down was prioritize diversity. And here's what I mean. When your kids can have diverse experiences, so they're around people of different socioeconomic classes, they're on diverse experiences of going to places in the world that they're not used to, or even in your own city that they're not used to, they realize that people live different than they do. And many of the things that you have, you've been given, you've not necessarily earned. And other people, they don't really have the things that you do. So what I'm trying to say is here, sometimes kids, even in myself, I feel entitled to something. I've done something, so I need to get something in return. And really just trying to break that within our kid's life of, hey, let's get you around diverse people, let's do diverse things, ⁓ a foundation of gratitude, and hopefully that'll... allow us to lay a foundation and as they get older talk about that more explicitly. That's really wise. ⁓ I felt like I ended up writing down not really. I didn't feel like my parents taught me entitlement necessarily. ⁓ I actually meant to talk about this when we talked about entitlement originally, which is that I feel like my parents taught me, I guess you could call them rights. Okay. ⁓ the right not to be picked on. like, don't remember being bullied very much as a kid. If you bullied me, I don't think I knew that you were doing it, so brava. ⁓ But I mean, when I was little, I don't remember how little, I don't know if my dad will remember this, but I specifically remember my dad saying that, like somebody puts their hands on you, you break their nose. That kind of stuff. ⁓ But to take it deeper, really just what I was, I guess you, probably wouldn't, I wouldn't call it entitled, but what I was allowed to basically, I could set boundaries. I had a right to boundaries and things like that. ⁓ So I felt like that was helpful. And then I also, felt like my parents really pressed in on ⁓ what I was not entitled to. ⁓ stuff along the lines of, I remember all the time I struggled with school. So they would hit me with the classic an education's a blessing. Not everybody gets an education. while I hated hearing it at the time, it makes so much more sense now. ⁓ It really was a blessing to live in a place where ⁓ I could get an education, ⁓ freedom of speech, freedom of religion. I lived in a place where, again, I'm not ⁓ violently persecuted for my beliefs and things like that. So I felt like they taught me kind of the opposite of that. So I wouldn't say that I'll have any interest in teaching my kids entitlement, ⁓ but I would be interested in teaching them what's okay to accept from others and what's not okay, how to clear boundaries. And then also, The fact that we're not entitled to a lot of different things and that a lot of what we have is a blessing Yeah, so and we talked about stewardship in episode 3 of you've been given a lot You don't feel guilty for that. Just make the most of it. But ⁓ We're trying to have the balance of structure because kids young kids thrive with structure and routine But then how do you also help them realize I was talking to Madeline tonight about this We give our kids a piece of candy every day ⁓ The reason why is because after Halloween we said you get one piece of candy a day. Well then freaking Christmas and then we had ⁓ Valentine's Day and then Easter so the candy just continues to fill back up and they kind of feel entitled to get a piece of candy every day so I was using that as an example of hey some days we're just not going to have a piece of candy and they need to learn that you're not entitled to that just because you did what you're supposed to do. ⁓ So we're talking out of both sides of our neck right now but hopefully that's some helpful Examples for you Josh as you continue to step into being a dad But I think the most important thing is just your example as a father if you can show that you serve from a selfless place You don't expect things in return. It's not that contractual love like we talked about your kids are gonna as they get older It's more caught than taught in that type of way. So Cool. Appreciate it Josh gonna dive into our first segment. It's gonna be a new one today. Do it We're gonna stick with some consistency. We got our regular segment, but for now The new one's gonna be are you smarter than a toddler? I was thinking about what new segments we could do and I remember when I was younger we had are you smarter than a fifth grader on television great show ⁓ and I remember thinking to myself I don't know how these people aren't smarter than a fifth grader and now that I'm older I realize I don't I don't know if I could do a fifth graders homework Absolutely, not at least not every subject, but we have AI now. That's true Is there homework anymore? I don't know if they're even sending kids home with, kids are soft these days. I'm just kidding. You know, the boomers did it to us. Now I'm doing it to the next generation. But if you're a boomer, we love you. for everything you've given us. subscribe to the pod. Leave a comment about how angry you are about us, but really appreciate you listening. So for, are you smarter than toddler? Basically has your toddler or I guess really any age kid tried out smart you? And if so, did they succeed or did you overcome and show them who's boss? Surely you got something. I've got something. thought of the segment, you got to have a story in the pistol chamber. You don't even have a toddler. Listen, I didn't know what to put. I figured that was going to be like key for both of you. Two of the three people doing this podcast have toddlers. So we can just say youngins. Youngins. That sounds cool. Toddler. didn't want to say fifth grader because that didn't make any sense. And I didn't know if there was any copyright issues or anything if we get sued. I don't know how Roman is smarter than you that's what I want to know. That's a great question and the answer is that he's not he's a big dummy that I love so much. He is not smarter than me. He is however he has my aggressive determination to defy the laws of physics. ⁓ So we recently realized that our plant placement around the house, ⁓ legal plants, ⁓ in pots are not ideal. ⁓ Now he's crawling, you're exposed. So for the listeners, Roman. Just started crawling. Eight months. He's nine months old now, but at eight months he started crawling, but not very well. And then, I don't know, half, maybe nine months he started pulling himself up on stuff. So it's only been a week or two that he's been pulling himself up regularly. But he I swear you can set him almost anywhere. ⁓ So for the listeners, Roman. Just started crawling. Eight months. He's nine months old now, but at eight months he started crawling, but not very well. And then, I don't know, half, ⁓ maybe nine months he pulling himself up on stuff. So it's only been a week or two that he's been pulling himself up regularly. But he I swear you can set him almost anywhere. ⁓ our house and he knows where this plant is that he can get up on which is annoying because he can get up on so many things he just likes this plant the best yeah and he loves to put dirt in his mouth and all this stuff and Obviously at this point we've moved it but it won't change for like eight years by the way I think that's just boys but keep going yeah can't wait can't wait But he is always crawling towards this pot and he loves to grab the dirt and it drives me crazy so our house and he knows where this plant is that he can get up on which is annoying because he can get up on so many things he just likes this plant the best yeah and he loves to put dirt in his mouth and all this stuff and Obviously at this point we've moved it but it won't change for like eight years by the way I think that's just boys but keep going yeah can't wait can't wait But he is always crawling towards this pot and he loves to grab the dirt and it drives me crazy so I stood in front of it, to which he was not smart enough to go around. He just ⁓ ran his head repeatedly into my shins over and over and over again. Like an RC car? And like never, yes. Like an RC car, ⁓ undeterred, didn't start crying, didn't get flustered, just bonk, back, bonk, back, immunity, ⁓ and. I stood in front of it, to which he was not smart enough to go around. He just ⁓ ran his head repeatedly into my shins over and over and over again. Like an RC car? And like never, yes. Like an RC car, ⁓ undeterred, didn't start crying, didn't get flustered, just bonk, back, bonk, back, immunity, ⁓ and. It just didn't even come close to succeeding. It just didn't even come close to succeeding. ⁓ But no, at this point he is smarter me. He is, however, as determined as any kid I've seen. So? ⁓ my question is, as the smart father that are, what's the long-term solution? I mean, it's currently in our bedroom. OK. Which was also not ideal. ⁓ Elly works on Sundays. And yesterday she was kind of towards the end her work day. and I needed to drop a deuce, so I was like, hey, can you watch Roman for a few minutes? And I come out and he, apparently I didn't close the door to our room. ⁓ I come out of the bathroom and he's just standing up on the plant ⁓ or at the pot about to get a handful of dirt and I grab him and I walk out and I'm like. Weren't you watching him? And she goes, yeah, I kind of forgot about that. so I was just like, it's money. And I was like, yeah, cool. He definitely was about to get into this potted plant. Wait, is it a fiddle leaf fig? Do you know what that is? Yes, and for the longest time, I thought it was fiddly fig. Yeah, that'd be cool. White women love fiddle leaf figs. Yes, it is. I'm almost positive that it's the one. And it's... We've had some interesting named plants at our house. I remember one of my favorite gifts that I ever gave to Elly was the weeping pussy willow. That's no longer at our house. And it was, gotten rid of in a, in a quite a hurry. Beautiful, beautiful plant. can't wait to get that from Madeline. What are they called? A push present when you get something for your wife. So ⁓ yeah, that's my are you smarter than a toddler and the answer is or at least a newborn or not new whatever Yeah- an infant? ⁓ that the terminology that they're using these days? Yeah, what size diaper? He's a size three diaper kid. That's what I think you measure. He is currently size ⁓ going on size five ⁓ He's leveling out ⁓ so he went to the doctor gonna throw this back at you for the kids that I'm gonna get made fun of for using that term but ⁓ ⁓ He went to the doctor and a few months ago he weighed about 21 pounds or not a few months like two months ago He weighed 21 pounds, which was really heavy weighed in like the 90th percentile which by the way those statistics are super fun because everyone thinks that they determine whether or not your kid is going to The the long-term height and weight of your child and in reality from my understanding they do not determine that in any way shape or form no, so now he's in like the 50th 50th percentile because He weighs about 24 pounds after two more months. Maybe 22. Because he's crawling, dude. Yeah, he's crawling around. In and out. And so ⁓ I just remember thinking, he's in the 90th percentile. And that means absolutely nothing to me other than that Elly's doing a great job feeding him. And this kid's not underweight. That's all I took it for. either way, Elly, great job. Great job, Elly. You got the goods. So OK, you ready for storytelling with Uncle Bud? I'm so ready. Uncle Bud's how I refer to myself in third person whenever I have something fun to talk about. Sounds great. Took the kids, I thought this would be like my big dad energy moment because I took the kids after we went to church Sunday. Madeline stays and she serves third service and we went to the park and then we went to Lowe's. which I already like, there's like Walmart and Lowe's is like a notch down as far as somewhere that you go with kids, but it's not, it's not very far down. And we had to get two bags of soil, some grass seed. ⁓ And I think that was about it. A few bags of mulch. So it was some heavier stuff. We were going to just stay in the outdoor section of Lowe's. But again, big dad energy, both kids after church. I packed snacks ahead of time. I packed drinks ahead of time. We did the park on the front end. I was going to get out there before ⁓ lunch, nap time, ya know, the restlessness, the witching hour was upon us. Yes, sir. Freaking dialed, locked in, everything going as planned. Crap ton of people there. I was not going to be deterred. We were focused. Sure. Got the first couple of things, got the second thing. Just need to get three bags of mulch. You know what undid me? Paw Patrol kids gardening gloves. So, Naomi, it's been it's been a while. again, dang it. Four and a half, dude. They knew what they were doing. And there's nothing, it's not like Walmart or the grocery store. There's a bunch of kids things around they want to grab. I was like, we're going to be good on that front. We were, we were focused. Grayson two and a half, he's listening. Naomi's listening enough. We're kind of pushing the whole cart and crowling the kids. And she's gotten gloves there before. I think they were Peppa pig. So I know she's got gardening gloves from there. So she saw those and she's like, Hey, I've lost my Peppa pig ones. Can I get these? And I just said ⁓ So when she then said, but I want ⁓ I won't. going to any more details out of respect for my four and a half year old. but it resulted in about 45 seconds later, her full tantrum on the ground in Lowe's freaking out, screaming at the top of her lungs. had a Lowe's coworker literally look at us and laugh, not in like a, like bless your heart laugh, but like a what in the heck's going on laugh. I about lost it. literally thought, yeah. Lowe's bro. Like you, but you're saying it was like an insulting laugh. yeah, absolutely. Okay. It was very, very frustrating. Wow. And I thought to myself, ⁓ I have a fatherhood podcast. I got to keep my crap together. ⁓ ⁓ this could be my, are you smarter than a toddler moment? Because we all know I could have given that to her ⁓ and it would have fixed everything, but I wanted to put my foot down. So here's, I'm thinking on the fly. I'm saying this, that, or the other. Here's how smart my daughter is. She goes, hey, we can buy these. Cause my first response is let's talk to mommy. Because she does a ton of gardening with Madeline if you need an extra pair of gloves and we can come back and get them another time. Why don't we just buy them and keep the piece of paper, aka the receipt, and then if we already say we have some and mommy says we don't need them, we can take them back. Again, like her negotiation skills, Reese. She's got a future. Honestly, I think it's on you. You've taught her too much. should not know what that piece of paper does. Who keeps receipts? That's our mistake. She might be an attorney, a politician. I don't know. But so I'm just like, I'm grabbing for air at this point of what to do to not be outsmarted by my daughter. And so this is what I settle on. I say, hey, sweetie, if we can go home. And I had about an hour and a half a yard work to do. I knew she wouldn't do all of it with me, but you can help me. do the yard work when the yard work is finished we will drive back and we will buy you these gloves because I want you to earn these you don't just buy stuff she wasn't really buying it at first she still was pretty upset and then she said well can we do it before nap time nap time is like an hour away we still have to eat lunch and I it wasn't gonna happen I said hey when the work gets done let's go home so anyways long story short got her fed got her nap when your kids aren't hungry or thirsty or tired they're usually a little bit more reasonable And she did, bro. She put in some work with me. We spread some grass seed and some dirt and we hooked up the sprinklers. And Grayson didn't really pull his weight, but he's two. What's he going do? You know, can't not include him. So we went back and we got two pairs of Paw Patrol gardening gloves. Wow. It was a great, ending. And when I tell you, when Madeline got home, I hit her with the, please come home as soon as you can. And I came into this room and I almost cried because I was just so overwhelmed and defeated and frustrated. Stuck with the plan and it went pretty well. So you did or did not text Madeline. texted her after the fact of like not come home early, but as soon as you can get home. I got you. Because that's big for you. You got it. You overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed. because I don't try and do that often. Yeah. But you kind of know your limit when you might snap. yeah, dads, it's OK to ask for help. Yes. And I needed help because I was about that close to snapping because of how overwhelmed I was pushing this cart full of about 80 pounds of mulch through loads with my two kids. anyways, smarter than a toddler. I think so. It took a while to get there, but smarter than a four and a half year old for now. And pray for me because, her negotiation skills are on point. Never split the difference. Ever read that book? That's a perfect one on negotiation. got to revisit it pretty soon. Read it. I own it. You own it? Do you really? No. Okay. Probably missed a movie quote there. No. More likely that I'm making an office reference than me owning the book that you're referencing. But Fair enough. Fair enough. We will assume that in general the office will be referenced. ⁓ If you don't know what we're talking about, that's what it'll be. anyways, should have known better. This is a staple for us. This is one you're going to get every episode because dads, we don't take losses, just lessons. Learn with us from us. Reese, what is your Should've Known Better? And a little redemption story here. This week's Should've Known Better is that I did know better. Actually, so both of my segments are just me patting myself on the back because no one else will. So... Yes. Just looking out for number one, you know? This week, I don't remember what we were getting ready for. ⁓ May have been Saturday night church or something like that. I think that's what it was. And... Elly's getting ready. I'm taking care of Roman when, if you remember my story about the ADT guy coming, well, this young whippersnapper comes to the door for pest control. Yeah. New build, he's got a new build. You're going to get the gamut, dude, for about two years. It's wild. Pest control guy. I don't know anything about pest control. I thought that's what the house was for, ⁓ but I guess not. ⁓ Really nice guy. Same as the ADT guy. Man's practiced. He's done well. ⁓ I did not get a word in, I will say, for two minutes. Not a good salesman. I would say that that was his biggest flaw, but his enthusiasm and what he talked about was good. But yes, I did not get to talk very much. And at the end, just told him, I said, hey, man, now is really not a good time. I'm actually sitting here wondering what my nine month old son is getting into while I'm talking to you. He was in the playpen. Use the kid, use the kid. He was in his playpen. That doesn't mean that he couldn't have been getting into something that he shouldn't have, but. I wasn't worried about him crawling around, falling, choking on something, but I was sitting there the whole time he was talking. I'm like, man, you got to wrap this up. I've got to get back in there. My son could be doing anything. I walk in and Roman's been just doing his classic. Since he started pulling himself up on stuff, what he loves to do is pull himself up on stuff. And then after about 30 seconds, realize he doesn't know how to slowly lower himself and go, ⁓ And scream bloody murder. That's me snowboarding. So it's snowboarding. can't imagine you on the I don't know how to stop. Yeah, I don't know how to stop on any slopes. Nothing. That's a story for another time. I told the guy, was like, hey, man, this honestly sounds super interesting. I know I've talked to my wife about us doing pest control. I have no idea. And I'm not ready to make a commitment at the moment. And he asked if he'd come back later. And I said, we're going to be gone until, I think I was going be gone for. till 10. I don't remember what I was doing after. next year. Yeah, we won't be here. We actually don't live here. We're watching the house for somebody else. That's perfect. But yeah, he went away and I went back inside. Roman had not done anything catastrophic and Elly was in the bathroom. I don't even know if she knows that this happened, but you're welcome. You learn. So did not invite him into the house, did not buy anything. And yeah, that was that. Way to use the kid. way to not invite a stranger into your home and way not to buy, you didn't buy anything you didn't need, way to go. Nope. And then actually Elly does know that I did this cause she was like, oh yeah, I've been looking online and it costs almost nothing to just do some of this stuff ourselves. I'm like, sweet, perfect. Glad I didn't spend like $200 quarterly for this. Absolute joke. Unless you, you know, do this for a living and then we love you. Please leave a comment. Subscribe to the pods You got a second one? You want to pat yourself on the back twice? is this just... No, I'm saying that my first one was that I am smarter than my son for... you smarter than a toddler? And then my should have known better is that I did know better. Well, and this is just an example to be a great dad. The bar doesn't have to be real high. All you have to do is not let strangers in your house or buy crap you don't need or let your kids eat dirt. I mean... You're crushing it. Killing it. You're crushing it. Ten out of ten. Compared to last week especially. The growth is insane. appreciate that. Proud of that. You want to hear how I screwed up my kid? Actually has to do with squirrels. It's similar to pests and you guys both were there. I can't wait to hear. So ⁓ again, like just when I was worried I wouldn't have any content for this episode, we- this is also a thought you didn't have content. I thought I didn't have content and ⁓ you guys both were here for this and we're at this awesome park eating ice cream with the family, doing what families do. had- All the cousins, all the aunts and uncles, grandparents, like it was just a great time. And so grandma and grandpa thought it would be fun to buy like six boxes of ice cream and just like let us figure out how many our kids could eat. So they brought a bunch of ice cream and we said, hey, you can have one popsicle or one ice cream. They chose one popsicle. The part that was self-inflicted on my part was we're playing, we're throwing the football. Noah tells a funny story of how his dad said, was it a video game you could get if you caught a squirrel? ⁓ yeah. Yeah. So if you caught a squirrel, you can get a video game. I said, I'm gonna see what this does for Naomi. So Naomi and Grayson are chasing some of the fattest squirrels you've ever seen. those things were hilarious because they got their heads down in the grass and they look up as my daughter sneaking up on them and they go like, ⁓ crap. And then they just dart to the closest tree and my daughter screams like a banshee after them. So we were having a blast for about 20 minutes. So I thought, let me spice this up because it was starting to get a little boring. They were starting to wear down a little bit. I said, hey, sweetie, if you catch one of them squirrels. Now here's the thing. I know she's not gonna catch one of them squirrels. They weren't like the type of squirrels that are gonna like come up to you or eat something out of your hand or they weren't acting like they had rabies. So I said, if you catch one of them squirrels, I'll give you another ice cream. She said, wait, are you for real? That's her new phrase. I said, yeah, absolutely. If you catch one of the squirrels. So for 20 minutes, she tries to do that. She gets pretty hungry. She starts saying, oh, I want an ice cream. How about if I just feed one of the squirrels an acorn? I said, no, sweetie, you can feed them, but you gotta catch the squirrel. So she starts crying that she doesn't get the ice cream. You guys hear this part. To which she goes up to her mother, wife, Madeleine says, what's wrong? And she says, ⁓ daddy said I can have another ice cream if I catch the squirrels, but I can't catch them. In which she looks at her and says, you can't touch the squirrels. Like, they'll make you sick. Were her exact words. And then she starts screaming, I don't want to be sick. So I go over there. I'm trying to figure out what's happening, why she's talking about she doesn't want to be sick. ⁓ And within about 30 seconds, I'm being accused of tricking my daughter. and to getting her sick because understandably, I should have known better. Naomi takes stuff very literally, very literally. So in her mind, it was daddy is trying to trick me to get bit by a squirrel so I'll get sick instead of daddy's trying to have fun, a game where I know you're not going to get anywhere close to any of these squirrels. And she's just upset she didn't get an ice cream. So as per usual. Yep. Producer Noah is responsible for the downfall of your parenting. And that is the only thing that I heard from the beginning to the end of that story. And what makes it better is that mom and dad were there giving, and then they had to leave. They were leaving for With the ice cream. And like dramatically walking away and Naomi's like, the ice cream! The ice cream! And I like take her to this bench and we're sitting and talking and I'm trying let her know like, sweetie, I don't want you to get sick. I didn't trick you. I didn't lie to you, but I should have known better. And ⁓ Madeline sticks up for me, but she also doesn't know how to defend me at this point. So she- I don't know what your dad was thinking. Dude, I'm telling you. She did as well as she could cover him. She was like, we need to have a deeper conversation about this. And we kind of did, but she said she still wants to talk. And I said, I thought we did. So we'll figure that out. But curious from y'all's perspective, where did I go wrong? Cause I thought it was a good time. I told you it was listening to producer Noa- I'm just kidding. ⁓ I guess I left out the important part of the story that I was like maybe eight at this point. and half. ⁓ Honestly, ⁓ I think it did your daughter a service. Yeah. What'd I teach her? that sometimes you don't win. Yeah, that's exactly right. The entitlement. you fail and that's just the way that it is. No participation ice Yeah, there will be no participation ice creams. You catch a squirrel or you don't in this household. Yeah, that's correct. But we followed through. We did not give an ice Maybe next time. Maybe next time. So I don't know, man. Definitely should have known better. Don't say that to your kids. And ⁓ definitely ask your wife if it's a good idea before you do anything in general. So I'm really not good at that part. Yeah. Gonna have to learn. We're gonna have to get caught up there. Yep. Suiting up for the third tour, so I better figure out pretty soon, sooner or later. So, okay guys, that's it. That's the fun part of this. Let's jump into some substance. That's a wrap. Dude, we're like gonna keep this one under an hour for sure. an hour for sure. And I think, yeah, as always, we tell these stories because we wanna have fun. I hope you guys have had some similar experiences where you're just spending time with your kids and you're like... That did not go how I thought it would, but making memories with friends and no one got hurt. ⁓ we need to invite people to do this more. If you have any similar stories to the segment ideas that we share, please drop a comment of those things if we haven't said that enough already. Would make my day and we would love to read them, honestly, just to hear a couple of should have known betters or so. And if you feel comfortable with it, let us know and we'll share them on. maybe share them on the pod. Absolutely. It'll be pretty great when we get big enough that we have enough stuff that we can do a mailbag episode. Yes. That will be fun. excited about that. mailbags. Fun fact, after we kind of front-loaded all these podcasts, so we just dropped the first three. And really thankful for the engagement and encouragement there. So it's been really, really fun. ⁓ Yeah, episode four and then this five are going to come out here in the next couple of weeks. Reese let's jump into it, man. Again, like let's talk about serving because there's layers to serving. We want to be dads that serve. Leaders are our servants. But the act in of itself is not enough. We've talked about it. We've danced around it We've hit on it some of the last four episodes, but kind of tee this up for us so we can do a deeper dive Yeah, think that most of us think we serve our families out of love which we do But if we're honest, there's often something underneath it a couple things we wrote down is wanting to be appreciated Wanting to be respected wanting to feel seen none of those are bad in and of themselves, right? It's when they become like the main motivation behind doing something that they become detrimental to just our inner life. So, and detrimental to being a dad. So when you serve your family, gonna dive into the first discussion prompt. When you serve your family, what do you find yourself hoping for in return, if anything? Yeah. Yeah, I think the thing that I want in return is, I'll kind of share a story. So, Again, another Big Dad energy moment where, again, I don't crush everything. Y'all have heard that so far in this episode, but. Amen. Amen. Madeline was going to an OB appointment. ⁓ I was going to make breakfast, get the kids up. ⁓ then Naomi just goes to school twice a week. So I was having my quiet time, listening to God, drinking some coffee. And I went, ⁓ crap, I got to get Naomi to school on time today too. So it was one of those, like, okay, I got to hurry up and kind of speed this thing up. ⁓ Madeleine around the same time had texted me and said, hey, by the way, we didn't talk about like if I'm gonna be home in time to take Naomi to school. So can you like do that if needed? So I was like, I texted back already ahead of you, already started breakfast, just I got you. Like we're the next three words, all caps. Will you remember this if I stop you real quick? Yeah. What you're about to say. Yeah, yeah. Jump in. My wife is so proactive that if I have to be so far ahead to get credit for the stuff that I was already planning on doing. It felt good. It feels good. I will be, I can't tell you how many times I've texted her, I promise you I was already on this, but I'm glad you texted me because originally I would just be mad. I'd be like, I was already doing this. Yeah, I would have lied to her, but it had to because I really did just think of it. But baby, I got you is like, I mean, those are just, that's the phrase she wants to hear. But when she texted back, to me, which is hilarious because my wife doesn't talk like this, was you da best with a little fist up emoji. You da best. And that's what I wanted. So when you're asking like, when I serve, like, what am I hoping for in return? I just want a you da best every now and then. ⁓ I want a little fist up emoji. I want to I see you. So that was a story that came to mind this week where, yeah, and next time, like, I'll probably be a little bit more proactive because you feel noticed. It's when you're not. What do you do in that situation? That's what we'll talk about. But that's what comes to mind. What about for you? Yeah, I mean, I feel like it's a lot of different things. Depends on the day, depends on how I'm feeling. But rewarded with things like free time. I don't know. always, again, I feel like I hope for the things that I would reward myself with whenever I was just rocking solo. When I got my stuff done, I was just like, all right, it's time to do something I enjoy doing, something fun. love to do any like, I was talking about this today, like ⁓ hand-eye coordination, motor unit, accuracy-based sports, so anything from like darts, cornhole, spike ball, ping pong, pool, whatever the case may be, that kind of stuff. I love to just have a little free time to just get that little shot of dopamine whenever I throw a dart in the bullseye or something like that, or the triple 20 all the time. ⁓ But I love things like that. ⁓ thank yous, respect. Yeah, I think that I really like to feel like I'm respected for the amount of work I'm doing. I've had seasons in my life where I felt like people maybe thought I wasn't a hard worker or that I was lazy. So yeah, love to get some respect whenever I get a lot of things done. Because I would not say getting lots of tasks or boring things is a strength of mine. My whole family is cracking up laughing at the thought of that being a Yeah, that's a kind of way of saying it. Yes. Yeah, not a natural strength of mine, getting lots of things done. I wrote Standing Ovation from everybody. I imagine myself like wife coming home. I've unloaded the dishwasher and she's just like slow clapping as she walks in, that kind of stuff. You deserve that. Honestly, as I thought about this more, again, everything I write down, I feel like I eventually get to a spot where I'm like... That's not what I want. I want something else. I think I really like to be. this specifically with Elly, I don't know, just like. loved, kind of like adored. Like, ⁓ this person cares about me. Cherished. This much. ⁓ He hates doing these things. I know he hates doing these things. I know how much energy it takes from him to do these things. But because he loves me, he does them anyways. ⁓ So yeah, think, yeah, cherished is a good word. ⁓ And for moms out there, I mean, that's the heart of most dads, husbands we're sharing right now. So that's not saying we have to. have all of this, listen to the second half of this podcast, we're gonna share why we need to step into serving even if it's not given, but it sure does help. I mean, it really does help. We receive that. As you were sharing something that came to mind, ⁓ for work, like you're taught, like you work hard so you can have a break. So like, and when that translates into fatherhood, that's hard. It's a confusing time because again, like you work hard working for the weekend or you work real hard at basketball practice to have some time off and actually then play the game, which you enjoy, whatever it is growing up that, You work hard to get a break from, parenting's not like that, dude. I don't actually hold people who are in different situations to the same, to like the standard that I, or like the lifestyle that I'm in, but I don't know if you've ever had someone who is single and works like a 40 hour week job and has just kind of like full autonomy after work come up to you and say they're exhausted. and I'm like, I will punch you in your face right now. Cause again, we talked about this last episode, sorry to keep referring, but that's chosen exhaustion. You've done something. Here's one of the more confusing. I'm not saying they don't work hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember being tired whenever I was a different type of exhaustion and you'll have a second and you'll say, how was I tired with the first? you know, same thing when you have a third or fourth or whatever. So it's always different in different seasons. But do you ever put your kids down and you're like, right before you put your kids to bed, you're like, I just. I can't wait to get them down. It's been one of those days. Noah's pointing at me. We joke, our tagline's like, sometimes you're just trying to get to bedtime, right? So the boys can be boys. And then what do you do after about 30 minutes? All you do is like, look back at pictures on your phone of your kids, or you talk about your kids, or you look at the monitor, or you feel a little guilty for kind of rushing the bedtime routine. And it's this weird thing, like you want a break and you need to ask for help. You need to have margin. We talked about that last week, or last episode, but. It's a weird thing to like recognize you need that time off But then once you get it you feel kind of guilty and bad about it. Nothing makes me angrier than when I use time that I could be resting to do something that makes me even more tired or More lethargic like puts me in a brain fog again doom scrolling would be something I don't I don't doom scroll because I'm better than that. I'm just kidding. but I I've doom scrolled plenty in my life and don't do it anymore because of that exact reason. It's almost like ⁓ this would have never happened to you because you weren't a degenerate in high school and stuff like that. But for those of us that were, if I knew I had a day off and I would sleep till noon, I would feel like I wasted my day, that kind of thing. yeah, choose your rest wisely. Choose things ahead of time that are gonna be fruitful, like things that you already know. I'm not saying you can't be spontaneous, but just give yourself options. definitely something to think about. that's how I know the noble work of being a dad is worth it because you get those Sunday night blues when you have to go back to work. But when you have a break from your kids, you're not dreading going back to the responsibilities and the work of being a dad, man. You're pumped. It resets the heart. Sometimes it's just the three hours at night. Sometimes you get a day away or a weekend away with your wife or whatever it is. But Yeah, man, it's a complex thing of stepping away, but then you have some of that holy yearning to get back into stepping into that fatherhood. anyways, that's good stuff. Sorry to kind of derail a little bit of the convo, but it seemed appropriate. And I'm sure there's a lot of dads that can relate to that. What else you got for us, Yeah, I got a second question for you. How do you feel slash handle it when you don't get what you're hoping for, like in response to that first question? Yeah. So when I'm healthy, I feel sad. And when I'm not, healthy, I feel mad. And here's what I mean. So when I don't get what I want, recognition or time off or respect, know, think love and respect, like those are the two things men need. ⁓ and I'm in a healthy, grounded place. I can just feel disappointment. Yeah. And, I can shake it off. I can, some of the things we're going to talk about, like know the greater good that's still being accomplished. Even if others don't see it, God sees it. God's working in this way. ⁓ but when I'm unhealthy, dude, I just feel mad. It's like internal versus external. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So like that's, that's what the importance of, cause I think men don't know how to process emotions, name emotions. It's important to point to like, what are two or two main negative emotions for me is either angry or sad. And usually I default to angry. So when I get pissed off, when I'm not getting recognized, sometimes I take a step back and say like, should I just be disappointed or sad? But yeah, like that's, that's how I handle it. And I can go into detail about how I mope and pout and when I'm angry or, ⁓ you know, what's the point or I'm an Enneagram three. So that means I drive hard until I get pissed or exhausted and then I just quit. But yeah, those are the two things that come to mind. Nice. I default to pizza and video games. Okay. It's really great. Yeah. Yeah. That helps. Escapism. It's awesome. You should try it. It helps for a second. Yeah. I think that I can feel, I would agree with you. I like your version of healthy versus unhealthy. Honestly, I think you could take that a million different routes with how you react to situations. I'll often answer it the same way. Like, well, it depends on where I'm at in life, how I respond to something or react to something. I put slighted and tired. Slighted? Slighted. It's a good word. Yeah. Thanks. Muy vocabulary. a good word, brother. Slighted. More so just like a... I don't even know. I don't think that slighted is necessarily like the the main emotion that I typically feel. I try not to feel slighted by people because I just realized that most of the time if someone's not responding the way you want, you either didn't communicate that that was really even something you desired or if you did, it probably has nothing to do with you. The reason that you're not getting it. I'm not saying that it never does. That's true. What's going on in their life? Yeah, like most of time if you're not getting what you want from somebody, ⁓ specifically a spouse, Could just be that you didn't emphasize how important it is to get this from them or man, everybody's got their own stuff going on. Could you give them the benefit of the doubt of a bad day? Yes, benefit of the doubt of a bad day. Great point. We really try to do that in our house. And honestly, if you want to see one of us get frustrated, have the other person assume something rather than giving the benefit of the doubt and we will both get very mad. Same here. I put tired. I would say that's probably my biggest one. OK. I wouldn't say that it's. natural inclination is to lash out. ⁓ At least not, ⁓ I do lash out, ⁓ think it comes up later and I almost have to call it out and realize it. It's not always something I realize. I just suddenly, I think I'm pretty introspective. So when I start to be short with Elly or with, ⁓ mean, with Roman, shortness with Roman is more like I can't handle his crying. ⁓ than just being okay with him being a baby, I'm like, going over there trying to entertain him, cause that's the only thing I can think of, which not that entertaining is bad, but I'll get short with Elly or stuff like that. But most of time it's just that I'm tired. like, man, did a lot, didn't really get much recognition for it or didn't get what I was hoping for. A lot of times I can just rationalize it. That's okay. Kind of like what we talked about. Benefit of the doubt, maybe she had a long day, but also just kind of having the dialogue with God like, I'm exhausted and I don't even know what I need sometimes. I'll say that to God a lot. I'm just like, I don't know what I need. That's a good prayer. I'm tired. ⁓ I don't know what I need from her or from you. ⁓ But I'm not doing well. But I am unwell. ⁓ I don't know if I want to stay up and do something that I enjoy doing or if I want to go to sleep to just get on with it. So I would say that that can be. how it is whenever I don't feel like I'm getting in return what I'm hoping for. Good, man. Let's keep it rolling. The invisible contract, like I love that you brought this up when we were prepping for this because we do. Back to negotiations, we've talked about contracts in other episodes, but ⁓ yeah, talk to us just a little bit about like how we serve with unspoken agreements in mind. Yeah, man, I got you. It's kind of like I'll do this and in return I should get this. Which kind of brings us back to what we said entitlement you're doing something with an expectation of something in return rather than out of love ⁓ But one of the reasons we wrote that down is that no one else agreed to that contract that's something that we kind of come up with our own And even if you communicate that with a spouse, it shouldn't just be like an automatic expectation. It's like a hey, this would be awesome I'm hoping for this. Yeah, but if it doesn't happen, it's not like a thing you get to condemn somebody for both internally or externally. ⁓ But, ⁓ I just put some practical examples. Doing chores but expecting recognition. I mean, that one happens all the time because I hate chores. I don't even know if I expect it, but I'm just like, surely it won't hurt. My chances, if you know what I mean. A treat. Yes, a treat. Helping your wife but feeling frustrated when it goes unnoticed. ⁓ Being patient with your kids but expecting easier behavior later. Bro, that one And other delusional things like that. That one hit for me. I'll touch on that in a second, but that's such a good example. Yeah. But where have you created an invisible contract in your home, buddy? Anything come to mind? Yeah, the kid one I'll hit on in a second of like, if I do this for you. He's not gonna hit his kids. Not my kids, but the point. I'll hit on the point in a second, but ⁓ this just came to mind as you were talking a few minutes ago that I feel like... Sometimes when I do the right thing over a period of time, I expect some extra credit whenever I do the wrong thing to be given some slack. So here's what I mean. I screw up. of both. Dude, I forgot to pack the snack for my... I do snack and lunch for Naomi if I forget to pack snack. But I got the coffee made in the morning and I let the dog out and I got everyone up out of bed on time and this, that and the other instead of taking some of that accountability. So it's kind of like a contract if... good enough for Buddy is my escape from any accountability. So that's one thing to confess that came to mind of, yeah, I like to kind of cash out whenever I screw up based off naming the things that I've done well. ⁓ Very practically, like this invisible contract of I try and give my kids 30 minutes a day of like focus time. creative play, or we're playing Pocahontas or hide and seek or... Like we're really engaged, myself and the two kids. Usually it's right after work, so Madeline can have a break or start dinner or whatever. And the contract in my mind is ⁓ if I give you 30 minutes of my focused attention, then you won't have behavior seeking ⁓ antics that clearly come up when you're not getting enough attention. It never works that way. Because a four and a half year old that's having a blast with you, as soon as you say, hey, we're done playing, it's hard for that to be finished. She wants to play as much as she can with me. Grayson my son loves playing with me. I love that he loves playing with me. We make a lot of memories. We have a lot of fun. But the contract of like, hey, now that I've given you this, you now will obey me or listen to me or eat your food at dinner or not. like me. Or like me. Like not pull my beard or hit your sister or ⁓ it is. That is not how parenting works. We parent to show them that they are loved. ⁓ parent because secure attachment, which we've talked about in previous episodes, is important in this formative stage. We... ⁓ we parent because it's a gift for us to enjoy, but it's not to expect a return in that moment. I think, I'm sure there's hundreds of studies out there to show how much it does form a child and how interactive play is important, but man, I can, that's a contract that I don't even know how to explain that to my kids and I get frustrated. Dude, something that you just said brought something over my head that I did not write down and did not think about until this moment, but this past weekend, Trader's Point, Christian church had, ⁓ you've actually seen it. The horse dude. Yeah, the Born Wild Ministries. No free shout outs, but great ministry. Basically, they have a guy tame a wild horse on stage. Does that sound accurate, Noah? That is accurate. It's Riding High Ministries. Riding High, so close. Not Born Wild. Maybe that's what's on one of the shirts. I don't know. Riding High. It's pretty sick though. Last year at Men's Night I saw It's pretty wild. Yes, and their logo is RH and that's my initials, so it looks awesome. Trademark. yeah, they were at Traders this weekend, so Elly and I went to church. ⁓ Grandparents were in town and they watched Roman so we could go to church. And what you're talking about, not expecting something in return. This dude goes up on stage. He's one of the most humble speakers I've ever listened to. He ties a whole message into whatever happens with this wild horse on stage. And he's breaking this horse. He's not in different levels of breaking because the horses are all different ⁓ this time around. The one time we watched it is just one horse. But while he's breaking this horse, ⁓ on Saturday night, this horse bucks him off, throws him into this metal... Metal gate, which did not happen, I don't think, at men's night. No, was way too anticlimactic. Like it worked really well. This time around, and by I was crying, but no one got hurt. Yes. And I'm a natural skeptic. I'm like, has he seen this horse before? Has this horse seen him? ⁓ ⁓ maybe this is one of those over the top things. Well, he's like, well, I'll just get bucked a few times just to convince him. But really, me and this horse are good. But I don't think that was the case, because he had like six horses over the weekend. ⁓ But either way. This horse bucked him two or three times. And this is Elly's first time really seeing this. And she was just dumbfounded, amazed at how this guy didn't change his demeanor, didn't react, didn't get angry at the horse. He talked a lot about how he can tell from different cues from a horse, kind of some of the trauma they may have experienced and things like that. And to get angry at this horse would really just kind of the trust that he's trying to build throughout this process. And that's exactly what it me think of. He wasn't expecting anything from this horse. Wasn't gonna react negatively, regardless of how the horse acted. Kind of just a freedom for this horse to pick and choose when it was comfortable to grow and move on. so... He was in control. And I guess, men, if we can be in control of our household... One thing that really crushed me and why I almost cried with the whole Lowe's situation is I raised my voice. I don't think it was a yell. It was a scalable one. I understand. They were... we got home, the kids were hitting each other on top of each other, just doing things what brothers and sisters do at that age. And I said, hey, I need y'all to go in the other room and sit while I'm making lunch. I need you to go in the other room and sit and making lunch. By the fourth time I raised my voice, and at a certain decibel, it doesn't even have to be that loud, my daughter just goes full fainting goat, and she'll just keel over and cry. But it's for like three seconds, and then she pops right back up. So it's not like I'm super traumatized, but still, I don't like to get to that place. So I'm trying to figure out, as a man, how to have control over my household. as I have control over my own emotions and voice. But when I'd raise my voice, I'd say, need y'all to go sit in the other room and not touch each other. Grayson came into this room and that chair right there, because that's our timeout chair, he put himself in timeout, bro. And I thought he was in the other room just playing and I was like, he just went into a different room. He didn't listen to me, but at least he got some separation. And about a minute later after I talked to Naomi, ⁓ calmed her down, explained some stuff. I came in here and he said, daddy, I'm in timeout. And dude, it just broke me. something happened in how I delivered that where I thought I was in control and clearly I wasn't. So I had to repair. I had to say sorry. I had to say, you're OK, buddy. Daddy's overwhelmed. And sometimes you have to let your family know that you're a little overwhelmed. And that's why I needed a break for a few minutes to kind of evaluate, did I really overdo it? Did I really lose it? Yeah, it's important to be in control yourself so you can be in control of your household. And sometimes as dads, you blow it a little bit and you have to repair and say sorry. Being able to go back to your kid and say you made a mistake is, I have to imagine, is very healthy and good for them. Yeah. And good for you. It is. And we were fine. We were totally fine. And it's not going to be a habit, but ⁓ it's a mistake. And that's OK. We make mistakes as dads. We don't want them to be habits. ⁓ Anyways, anything else on that? On that front? I mean, can move on or I can share something about invisible contracts in my house and how it affects me. You got it? You got anything? I mean, I've got something. Always got something. ⁓ Invisible contract at my house is when is it OK to be on your phone and when is it not OK to be on your phone? ⁓ Wow. That's practical. And this probably is shocking to people that have known me for a long time because they're like, well, he'd be the one with the issue. ⁓ It's not that anyone has an issue. It's that I come up with this idea that once Roman goes down, I'm going to get my wife's undivided attention. Sure. And that is not always the case because again, I don't always ask for her undivided attention. I just come out and get angry whenever I see her on Facebook Marketplace or ⁓ or even doing something for work or whatever. Text in our family group chat. Yeah, bro. I'm just kidding. Texting the family group chat or ⁓ a subsection with the other 40 family group chats that are ⁓ a branch off of that. We love you guys. You're the best. I haven't texted my family in months. I'm just kidding. Love you too. ⁓ But yeah, I would say that's an unsaid or an unspoken expectation that's not fair that I set in my household and get mad and frustrated about. Mine's in the car, but similar thing if I'm driving, like I deserve to be talked to. And I think you've spoken about, I think you guys have communicated. It's grown, dude. And a lot of it's like, hey, can I do this? I'm like, yeah, it's not like you can't ever be on your phone, but on road trips, like, yeah. And so we have, we've grown a lot in that. Yeah. And then another big one would just be, ⁓ if I, after Roman goes down, if I do about 30 to 45 minutes of getting us prepped for the following day, I'm free of any and all responsibility for the rest of the evening. And it's not that I can't ask for that. It's just that I don't and I just expect it anyways. So lots of things that you can communicate with your spouses that could help a lot of these different things. It's whenever you just come up with it in your head and expect it that it becomes a real issue. I've heard like unspoken expectations are unkind. Yes. So if you take that like unspoken expectations are unkind, the inverse of that is true. just communicate what you need. Man, like this can be applied in so many different areas with your kids, with friendships, with ⁓ responsibilities in the household with your wife. with family. So yeah, I think really what my takeaway so far is like the importance of just communicating what your expectations are and what you need and what you hope for. Yeah. So I think that's good. Let's keep ripping, man. Key focus, what you got for us just kind of to sum that all up. Yeah. Serving with an expectation turns love into a transaction. Serving with the right heart turns it into worship. It's a way to worship God. Yeah. No contracts, no transactions. We want our service to be not selfish to get something in return. It's a way to serve God. So you ready for the paper popper quote? I'm ready. Great book. Reference it a couple times. I actually gave Intentional a shout out. So Intentional Fatherhood is a really good podcast. And Justin Early's got a, Whitmore Early's got a really good book, Habits of the Household. We've talked about it a time or two. know Noah and I have really gotten a lot out of that and you're going to soon as well. It'll be a great read for you. But the Habits of Love. They're not formed in grand gestures but in the quiet daily acts of self-giving that no one else sees. I'll say it again, the habits of love are not formed in grand gestures. We want the grand gestures, we want the big things, we want the things that we get praised for, but that's not the habits of love we should be looking for. It's in the quiet daily acts of self-giving that no one else sees. So, Reese, share with us a little bit just the importance of ⁓ what does it look like to get in a habit of doing the small things? that are relatively unseen that really form us as people of love and God uses in our lives too. Amen. I'm just going to give a couple of... I'm going to go dive deep into Matthew 6, 1-4. I'm just going to read that out loud. A couple other ideas are John 13, Jesus washing the disciples' feet. He's not looking for something in return there, but Jesus to do something that, if you don't know the context, is a pretty miserable and awful thing that would have to do in a ⁓ first century context. So... and then Philippians 2, 3-8, just an example of humility and selflessness there as well. But for Matthew 6, 1-4, I'm just going to read that out. It's headed with, giving to the needy, beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven. Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets. that they may be praised by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing so that your giving may be in secret and your father who sees in secret will reward you. Yeah, father who sees you in secret will reward you. I know we're going to land on that at the end of this podcast, but ⁓ Yeah, like if our identity is secure as sons, if God is with us, He sees us, He knows us, He's working within that, ⁓ it allows us to reject the need for approval and constant recognition and affirmation. We can give, we can serve, we can give our lives away in a way that ⁓ is not seeking for attention. In fact, Scripture kind of suggests it should be done in a way where it avoids recognition as much as possible. So, ⁓ wanting to thank you is not wrong, but needing a thank you. needing an affirmation, needing a growing reputation and respect. think Jesus is very clear, like, you're getting your reward right now. You can either have it later or you can have it now. I don't know which one you want. really the deep issue is, in my opinion, and we just keep coming back to this. We're not meaning to, but it's as dads wanting and needing to be seen. The unseen life of a father as... Man, like lot of your plans and your life dreams and desires are changing. It's a lot of things that are done in your household that other people don't recognize the grind and you can feel very unseen. That's where this root issue comes from because you feel unseen. You want that recognition. You want that validation. You're wanting to find your identity in something like I do, man. So much so I've got to be careful with this podcast. Like, find my identity is like being a good dad, a good father, instead of doing the unseen hard crap. The crap, like literally my life is filled with crap on a consistent basis. so yeah, like I'm curious, Reese, for us to kind of flesh out for the listeners, because I think this will apply to them. When do you feel most frustrated about not being appreciated? And then that frustration, what does that reveal about what you're needing in that moment? Yeah, I think that I'm most frustrated when I feel like I'm giving everything I've got. Yeah. And it's still not enough. And it isn't enough. And then I put feeling like I'm not enough. Yeah. Which I know that I am. So like, it's real easy to repeat it back to yourself and to know it, but sometimes it's hard to feel it. Yeah. So when I'm, yeah, I would say when I'm giving everything I've got, or it feels like I'm giving everything I've got, ⁓ and it's not. It's not being seen that way or it's being seen is not enough. Sometimes I can sting, ⁓ whether that's some of my ego coming out, because I would say. I don't know. I don't often take offense too much. I don't know. I've just realized people say things and just ⁓ of okay to move on with that. But I would say that the way Elly views me, I really care about. ⁓ So sometimes if it feels like what I'm doing isn't enough, that can be a hard moment. ⁓ So would say that's probably where I'm at with that one. What about you? Yeah, like I get frustrated when I'm not being appreciated by my kids. Like I said, with the whole active play or like I cooked you a meal, but you don't like this meal that I made for you, which is about every other meal I cook them or fill in the blank with whatever it is. We didn't read the book long enough or they wanted to read two books. And really what I'm feeling there is I need a break. Like I've done enough. Like I've done what I needed. Like I've provided, I've gone above and beyond what my dad did for me or what the normal child gets and like. have I not met what your expectations are accurate? And I just need a break. What I really need is a break. I need someone to say like, you're doing a good job. What you're doing is worth it. And come to me and have some rest. So that's one thing. The other thing is like when I do morning routines, whether it's again, letting the dog out in the morning, getting up early to make coffee, getting the kids packed up. ⁓ I need to know it's like, it's worth it. Someone sees it, it's doing something. Because the grind of doing the same thing. packing the same lunches. Compound interest, positive or negative. That is such a good way to see it. And in the moment, because it's shaped over years, not days. Yeah. Like what I need to hear is someone telling me like, well done, this is worth it. It's doing something. Sometimes you see glimpses of that. In my job, see that a lot quicker. Like within business, you can see a lot of your actions. But when you're forming both the body, mind, and heart and soul of your kid, man, that is just. That is something like a reminder you have to trust even if someone's not telling you that it's worth it. all this kind of comes back to being seen. Being seen by my kids is doing good enough for them. Being seen by others that what I'm doing is important. And then being seen by God that like my efforts are not in vain, that he's going to take my meager humble offerings and make something good out of it. But I'm not in control of my kids. They're not a machine. They're not a business to grow. So there's... Anytime you love sacrificially, there's risk. They also don't fit in equation. like, yeah, you can't figure them out. Yeah, I can't. I can't. What works one day might not work another day. So even if you are, you know, something that's reliably going to get you approval or good behavior one day might be totally wrong the next day. So I can only imagine it's going to get worse when my kids become preteens and teenagers like that lack of appreciation. And so this is something I need to to really wrestle with God right now. And to wrap up our time together, like the reminder of like, you don't serve to be seen by your kids as a good dad or your wife as a good husband and dad or your in-laws or your neighbors or people listening to podcasts. Why you serve is because you're already being seen by God. And Matthew 4, your father who sees in secret, if you get anything from this, like your father sees you in secret when you're changing diapers and you've done way more than your wife has, but because she needs a break. That's never happened in the household, but that's nice to think that one of these dads out here has. The late night, gosh, you're up late again because your kid's thrown up or has nightmares. No one sees that. You don't need to be posting that on Facebook or texting and tweeting and telling people all about this, but ⁓ your father sees you. When you bite your tongue, you're being patient with your teenage daughter or son. God sees that. Your consistency to pack the lunch is like, God sees that. ⁓ Nothing's unseen. nothing's wasted. I texted you guys today because I was in Matthew 25, and ⁓ it's a pretty well-known passage. Even if you've not read the Bible, it might be something you're familiar with. ⁓ You know, there's going to be an account one day where we stand before God, and He divides the people who inherit the Kingdom of God and those who don't. And really at the crux of Matthew 25, what He says is, hey, ⁓ what you've done for the least of these, you've done for me. And the things that He names is, He says, when I was hungry, you fed me. When I was thirsty, you gave me something to drink. When I was neked as they say down south. Naked. You gave me some clothing. When I was lonely, you invited me in. Or when I was a stranger, didn't have a house, you invited me in. And when I was sick, you took care of me. The last one's about visiting in jail. I don't think that one applies to kids as much. But dude, fed, drink clothed, took care of, invited them into your house, and took care when they're sick. All of this clearly is absolutely in reference to the poor. Jesus is saying when you do it to the least of these, especially how you serve the poor, you are serving Jesus, you serving God directly. But it hit me, man, this is what we do as dads. You do all of those for Roman right now. He cannot do any of that by himself. Mason and Campbell cannot do any of those things. My daughter won't be able, she can kind of get herself something to drink every now and then. But my kids will not be able to do this for themselves independently for years. So our Father sees these things in secret. He says he will reward us, but my encouragement to the dads are like, he's gonna one day say, you did those not just for your kids, you did them for me and I'm doing something with it. Something popped in my head about just serving in secret. ⁓ I find myself in this position sometimes, I think a lot of people do, where they're struggling to build intimacy with God. I've heard a million different things, pray more, fast, all these different ways to kind of feel closer to God. I think that this is just personal experience for me when you can keep your serving secret and keep it between you and God. It builds intimacy for me personally. It might not work that way for everybody else, but it feels like I've got this secret. and it's just between God and me. And some things you're gonna do and they're just gonna get noticed because it was a huge help or something like that. the other things you're gonna do and it's gonna be like, nobody's gonna really notice that and that's okay because it can just be between you and God and that can just be something that you're, I mean, I used to just talk to God almost like, hee hee, you know we did that. It's your little secret. Yes. That's cool. So just maybe think of that as something that you said. It's beautiful, man. It's beautiful. So no matter where you're at, ⁓ we all have opportunities to serve in secret. Reese, let's kind of wrap this up with just some practical summaries, challenges, questions for the dads to be thinking about and maybe to invite non dads, to invite moms, ⁓ neighbors, because if we can be people who sacrificially serve and love, not looking for anything in return, gosh, man, I think that that's how we change the world. I really do. I don't think that's extreme. Absolutely. ⁓ Yeah, for reframing, serving is not a way to get something back, ⁓ a tool to control the environment, a path to recognition. What we really want to hone in on what serving is, it's an overflow of being loved by God. You're being filled up. You're able to pour out. It's a reflection of Christ in your home and a choice to love regardless of what the response is. And some practical applications for this week are going to be, catch yourself. when you start expecting recognition, it's gonna require you to be cognizant and kind of like think about when the emotions are popping up. I know that's not natural for everybody. And maybe even after the fact, but catch it soon. Something. Catch it early. Yes. And you'll get better at it. It's a muscle. You gotta practice. So verbally release the expectation. ⁓ We're not doing this to be thanked. So just tell yourself, say it out loud. ⁓ Tell yourself that over and over and over again. and then go to God with the desire to be seen instead of placing it on your family, you can release a huge burden from your family ⁓ if you can go to God to be seen and not them. It's not that you don't want to be seen by them, but it's without that expectation. ⁓ Just frees your family's mental space up a ton. How often do we go to people to provide us things that only God can give us, What a way to your family to release them of that. ⁓ That is so good. Hey, two questions to chew on in view of some of those challenges. Where can I serve sacrificially without anyone noticing? I just love that challenge. Pick something, man. What is one thing that I'm going to do this week as a dad and ain't nobody but me and God going know this happened? Yes, sir. And it might form your character and impact you more than anyone else, to be honest. And what do I really want when I expect to thank you? And how can I go to God for that? So when you get that itched, just... I love what you said earlier of sometimes I need something I don't even really know what it is. So maybe like it's in those situations where like you are really wanting to thank you and you just come to God and you're like, God, I need something. I don't really know what it is, but I know you see me and I'm gonna come to you for it. So yeah, we don't serve to be noticed. We serve because we already are. We are seen, God is working within that and ⁓ he's gonna reward us because every act of love is our worship to him and he does not waste any of that sacrifice. So Dad's Reese is gonna pray over you and bless you. We're just so thankful for the work that you're doing to serve. your family and your community. Thank you. Lord, we love you so much. You're an amazing God, worthy of praise and worship. Lord, I pray that Your Kingdom would come on this earth through every dad that's listening to this podcast or anybody else, Lord. I pray that You would equip us as vessels to just bring Your Kingdom here. And I pray that Your will would be done here as it is in heaven, Lord. I pray that You would give us what we need, equip us with the things we need to be better fathers, better husbands. better at handiwork around the house. Lord, it's a gift to be able to spend time with our families. It's a gift to be able to serve our families. Even when it feels exhausting sometimes, I pray you give us the energy ⁓ and forgive us in the areas that we fall short, Lord. Forgive us when we don't measure up. Forgive us whenever we lash out. Forgive us whenever we set expectations ⁓ on our family. Unspoken expectations, Lord. ⁓ And please just deliver us from the temptation to seek credit from people and not from You. We love You, Lord. Yours is the kingdom, the power, and the glory forever and ever. Amen. Dads, thanks for listening. would love to know how we can pray for you. Feel free to send us an email. Our email is in the description. Drop a comment and thanks for tuning in.