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Healthy Boundaries and Heartfelt Giving: Striking the Right Balance Pt 2 · Healthy Happy Wise Wealthy

• Mary Meyer: And, you know, I want to just kind of insert here too. It's like both Kara and I, as we were dealing with physical issues, we have had different things we've dealt with in our lives, but. Or, you know, relationships or how that's affected us. We have paid a lot of money to go have professionals and work with professionals both to help physical health, mental health, emotional health. So we are not in this thing at all saying, you know, the only thing you do is go find some good friends, a piece of the puzzle. Even more importantly, if you are the person who is. You're. You're not. Mary Meyer: You're not in the. You're not the professional. You're just a person who's in someone's life, whether it's a relative friend or someone you're just. That came in your path that you want to help. You have to know that you. You have to have boundaries and you have to have proper expectations that you are not trained professionally to help this person so that what you can do is limited. It's still powerful what you can do to a certain degree. But we are not in this thing saying it's, you know, hold space for people and then everything's going to get fixed because you did the right thing. Kara Stoltenberg: Yeah. And I think that brings up a topic too, which is, it's so different to show up for someone and hold space for them when they're really doing everything they can to try to make things better. Mary Meyer: Yeah. Kara Stoltenberg: Then it, you know, we also have, you know, bringing in this topic of, like, when there's someone in your sphere and you're trying to help them, and maybe they're not trying to help themselves as much as you want them to get better. You know, whether they're an addict or just making chaos in their lives or in the family. I think it's important to realize that you have to have boundaries even more so with that. Like, for example, I will give from the wellspring when it's there because I've resourced myself and taken care of myself. If I am have a wellspring I can choose to give to someone. Mary Meyer: Yeah. Kara Stoltenberg: But I can't care more about them being okay or getting healthy or getting the help they need than they do. Mary Meyer: Right. Kara Stoltenberg: And if I do, that is imbalanced and I'm gonna feel drained by feeling more responsible for this person than they're feeling for themselves. Mary Meyer: Right. Kara Stoltenberg: So I think there are ways to love people when you're in those circumstances. You can be. You can be steady and stable in the way that you show up in love, but there's only so much you can do for a person when they're not wanting to do for themselves. And I'm saying this from experience. Oh, yeah, I've been in experiences, thank goodness. It's been a long time. But I've been in experiences where, you know, if I just love this person enough, but I like to call it the leaky vessel. If someone I think of, like, if you think of a person as like a container and you're pouring love into their head, if they're a leaky vessel, no matter how much you love them, it's just pouring right out. Kara Stoltenberg: They can't receive it. They have not done sort of that. I'm going to call it work. I mean, the mental, emotional work to create the capacity to receive love. And so you could spend a lot of time and energy pouring, pouring, pouring, pouring, pouring, and feeling depleted. So I think that that's part of what you have to consider too, like, how can I show up for this person in a way that it does impact them, but doesn't make me feel overly responsible for their outcomes, for their progress, for their healing? So those are some things that I would consider. Mary Meyer: And I think as. I mean, as I'm thinking about this, I think it was just two to three years ago that I was dealing with not one alcoholic, but two, but three. And then as someone else who's getting a friend who is like, back into drugs, which I don't understand drugs because I'm not, you know, I don't understand alcoholism either, really. I understand wanting to drink too much. But these are addictions. I'm not an expert in this, but these are people that are close to me or in family. And so, yeah, that was. I don't think I handled that very well. Mary Meyer: You know, I went over and above to try to do everything I could, but it, it drained me all the way. So, yeah, when they're. When they're close to you, you, you, you might just go like, I am going everything I can to help them. The healthiest emotion, this is just. You tell me what you think of this. I feel like one of the healthiest emotions for you when you're seeing a family member or someone close to you spiral like that and is grief. It's just letting yourself go. I'm going to go ahead and grieve this, that they're not being the human they can be. Mary Meyer: This might end their life. This is hurting their family. This is ruining their health, this is destroying their career. And you're Watching it all go down. So I. Part of me, I would love your opinion on this is like, if you're the. On the outside wanting to. Because it's. Mary Meyer: Let's say it's family, it is very close to you. Right. So you can easily get too involved in that. And you're not the professional. You don't know what to do really. Kara Stoltenberg: Well, I think that's a perfect example of when you got to get professionals in your life who can help you navigate that, if you are able to do that. And if not, there's no less than 1 million resources online. I mean, we can always resource ourselves online for. I mean, I think about, like, as a parent, if, if my child was suffering with that. And I certainly have worked with parents who have addicts for children. And the heartbreak, the helplessness, like you said, the grief and the helplessness of. I think. And recognizing. Kara Stoltenberg: I think one of the healthiest things when you're in a relationship with. With an addict is to realize you have no control. Mary Meyer: No. Kara Stoltenberg: And there's a lot of differences of opinions about addiction. But if someone is truly in an addiction, they don't have control either. The addiction has control over them, which is, you know, the piece of not taking it personally because it's not about you, whether you're parent or a spouse or a child. But that's easier said than done. And having dealt with addiction in my sphere personally and then with clients, I, you know, like I said, you have to do a lot of work to actually embody this idea that it's not personal. And there's a lot of great support for people, you know, with alcoholism in the family or drug addiction, you know, the, the 12 step programs, they are not everything. And I would say they have huge positives and then some flaws. Like, I don't think they're perfect, but there's a lot of positive, helpful information in those programs. Kara Stoltenberg: And, you know, they have the approach even from, you know, supporting people who are trying to support or love someone who has an addiction. Al Anon is one, you know. Mary Meyer: Yeah. Kara Stoltenberg: And even just becoming aware of some of the principles so you can notice those things in you or distance yourself from feeling responsible in certain ways. Mary Meyer: Right. Yeah. Kara Stoltenberg: And living your own life. I think that's the other thing when. Whether that's someone in your family or just, you know, it's like, I'm going to use my example because I think it's the easiest because I'm on the reverse side. Like when I was going through the deepest of the deep, I went from having all the capacity in the world for anyone to very little capacity. But, like, when I would talk to my people, I still wanted to know, how are you? I didn't want the conversation to just be about me. And I think that one thing to. And that's me. I'm wired that way. Mary Meyer: Absolutely. Kara Stoltenberg: But I think sometimes people get into really difficult circumstances, and it's all they can do is those circumstances. Mary Meyer: Right. Kara Stoltenberg: So if you're. If you're on a journey with a friend or someone you love and you're trying to support them through difficult circumstances, what you have to remember, no matter what their perspective is, is that that is one part of your very expansive life. And you need to be living your life and living your circumstances, and you're giving them a slice of your pie occasionally, however often that is, you know, you're there for them as you can be. And, you know, like, I live in the South. Meal trains are the big thing here, if that's the way you can contribute. Like, there have been plenty of times in my life as a single mom or within my illness or injury in my body where I'm just like, that's the last thing I can do. But there are other ways I can show up. So rather than feeling guilty, I love to cook, but those meal trains kill me. Kara Stoltenberg: They did not work. When I was raising my baby, I was like, I just can't. But I stopped feeling guilty. I'm like, hey, I don't have that capacity, but I've got a really different kind of capacity. Mary Meyer: Yeah. Kara Stoltenberg: And I think when we're all doing what we actually can do and not feeling obligated to do a certain thing, needs will be met. We will meet one another's needs. And, you know, and there are times when a friendship is balanced in one direction because this person's got a lot going on. And then it kind of sways over to this side because. And then there are other times when it's kind of like homeostasis in the middle. And that's how. That's how a good relationship should be able to flow as we're, you know, holding space for another, stepping in with one another, because life is wonderful and beautiful and challenging for everybody, you know, from day to day, mundane day to day. Mary Meyer: Right. Kara Stoltenberg: Big stuff. Mary Meyer: Yeah. And, you know, I've as. I've had this conversation, similar ones like this with people. Once in a while, you'll hear people say, I don't have anyone. I don't have anyone to listen to me. And it's a little Bit like, first of all, sometimes that is the case. Second of all, sometimes are you even listening to anyone ever? Like, and I do want to bring that up. Like, if you want friends who will continue to show up and support you or family members at some point, there's. Mary Meyer: Unless. If you do not have any capacity to do it, that is one thing. But over the course of months and years, you do have the capacity most of the time, unless there's something severe going on and, you know, but giving outside of that, are you listening? Are you. Are you showing up for people too? Because this is. It is a give. Relationships are give and take. It's no one's responsibility. Show up for you 100% of the time and you show up for them. Mary Meyer: Never. Kara Stoltenberg: Yeah, give and receive. There's a. I call it the circle of giving and receiving. And I learned a lot about the receiving end of that. Honestly, in the last seven years, years I was, I was more that how do I show up for people? And it was really hard for me to ask for the help I needed. And I think that's pretty common, especially with women, right? And life smacked me in a way that I needed people for my survival. I needed help, and I couldn't get around it. I couldn't even fake it. Kara Stoltenberg: I couldn't even kind of pretend I was okay. And that's what it took for me to realize we need each other. And I have all together different beliefs about that now. Like, I love running errands with a girlfriend or, you know, going to an appointment with someone. It's like, it's a whole different experience of doing life and, and our society, our culture has built itself in a way that makes that hard. The connections we have to really work for them. Mary Meyer: We do have to work for them. And that's an. That's probably another really good point because this is. Is a world where it's not going to be as easy. And so if, like you're, even if you're listening to this going, gosh, I just really need people. Like, I don't have people. And I'm, you know, people like me move to a new city and then they move to another new city and. Kara Stoltenberg: Then another new city. Mary Meyer: Very wrong. But it takes effort and, and loneliness, an emotion we all feel as human beings. It is in your power to do something about that. Kara Stoltenberg: The anecdote to loneliness is connection, right? Mary Meyer: It's not necessarily always. It can take some time. You know, I think moving to Atlanta, it took me about eight months to realize I had already had one friend there that I didn't know about. But it took a while, a year and a half to feel like I had some semblance of community, you know, and it happened a lot faster in Reno, but it can. But also I'm just out there going to meeting people. Hi, I'm Mary. Tell me about yourself. So what do you do? Kara Stoltenberg: Well, and in the meantime, being in touch with old friends who you can't get together and have coffee with, but you can. You know, there's so many ways in which to be in touch anymore. Like, you know, I love using voice notes or video apps or ways that we don't have to agree. Hey, at 2 o' clock on Tuesday we're going to get together. But we can be very connected. And you know, whether I'm on a hike with you or you're cleaning my tub with me because I'm working while I'm, you know, like on like an app or you're just like doing life and more often cleaning my dishes. Mary Meyer: Yes, I have, I have watched you clean dishes a lot. We've watched each other put on makeup a lot on these little apps as we talk one at a time to each other. And that's worked well for the last what? Kara Stoltenberg: Because I, many years I, I started using that app after my accident at some point and I have a few friends, some of them are local. I have a friend in my neighborhood who that is how we stay most connected through our. And you know, it jives for some people, it doesn't for others. And then for me, I've also noticed that voice noting instead of just texting makes me feel a little more connected. And so, you know, I think just doing things to try to be connected and realizing that in our busy lives. I was just talking to a client the other day and I was telling her like, you have to take the balance of like a month and kind of think about rest, productivity, connection, creating something beautiful. Just day to day care, house maintenance. Like you look at an arc, if you look at a weekend and you're trying to get all those things in, you're going to feel miserable. Kara Stoltenberg: But if you look at the arc of like a month and you have a couple of really great times, like you know, a great date or a great coffee date or you know, an overnight little adventure with somebody, so some connection, social time. And one weekend you work all weekend and another weekend you deep clean your house. And so if you look at that over time, I think that gives you a little more realistic, you know, sense of accomplishment and Is there anything missing in the, in the flow, in the balance? Am I getting enough rest? I think that's another really tough thing. In our culture and undervalued. It's so important, you know, to get sleep at night, but to over the weekend, if what you need is to just kind of zone out and do nothing, sometimes that is what you got to do to stay in the game. Mary Meyer: Yeah. In American culture, you know, over the years, it's not just like we've said, you know, don't make decision based on emotion, make, you know, be rational. But we've also said work, work, work, work, work more, work harder, work longer, work. And it's not. And we don't really go to. We don't go to work smarter or be in flow or be in balance. We don't do any of that. And that has not made us healthier. Mary Meyer: It has not really made us. I wouldn't say it's. I mean, what is, what is wealth if you don't have your health so. Or connections, if you don't have your connection, if you don't have your, your sanity, you don't have your relationship and you know, you're just an island to yourself. That's. That's not, that's not what it's about. I also think it's created more. I'll call them personality disorders more, addiction more. Mary Meyer: Something like when we're not in flow with that, that's not going to be a healthy way of doing life. So I don't know what the answer is to that when we still have to show up to a job many times. But I think talking about it, it's. It's changing slightly. Yeah, probably. Yeah. Kara Stoltenberg: Finding different ways to do things and, and slowing down a little bit. I think that being still is. I think we're talking about that more and it's becoming a little more appreciated. General. We're talking about quietness and stillness more. I, I recently did an episode on my podcast about rest and I, I like to think of rest as like the, or the womb in which something can then be birthed from. And so if I'm not getting the expanse of rest, and I don't just mean sleep, I mean restfulness in my days that my body is, is feeling like it's flowing through a day, that then when something wants to be created through me, I'm open and available to it. Mary Meyer: Yeah. I think especially if you're in any kind of creative field or people helping field, you. You need that space extra for sure. When we are holding space for people. Is there ever a time where that's just. The person doesn't necessarily need our space, our time, our listening, but they are in fact finding us a way to basically suck our life. They're, they're predatory. Kara Stoltenberg: Oh well, sure. I mean like narcissist and empath. It's like absolutely. You know, there are again, this is why you have to be aware of who you are as a human and you have to be realistic about what you're pouring your time and love and energy into because not everybody has the capacity, number one to receive it and number two to reciprocate it. And if you're in a now I have some relationships with children, high schoolers, in which I'm just pouring in and they're able to receive. I don't need it to be reciprocal. What I get back is their love and right them killing it at life, you know, so it's different. I mean, I do think sometimes, you know, there's someone in our lives that we're like, I want to pour into this person and I'm clear, I'm pouring in. Kara Stoltenberg: That's different. I'm talking about relationships, romantic relationships, friendships, work relationships. Like when we're choosing environments, I think it's really important you again, are they actually able to receive or are they a leaky vessel? We talked about that. And also is the reciprocity like I won't do relationship anymore if it's not reciprocal. And I'm going to tell you, I did a whole lot right of one way streeting before I figured out, oh my gosh, this is not working. And but there's some, I call it puzzle piecing. It's like your childhood and your family system and your culture kind of created you into this puzzle piece and that's malleable. Like as we grow, the shape of our piece can change. Kara Stoltenberg: But let's say, okay, we come out of our family and we meet a romantic partner and our puzzle piece fits perfectly well. If we have some super unhealthy people pleasing, we're likely going to meet someone who would really love to be pleased. Mary Meyer: He doesn't want to give a lot. Kara Stoltenberg: Of energy or attention into the relationship, whatever. But definitely, you know, this is why it's important to first of all be aware of yourself and how you function in relationships. Because the healthier you get emotionally, mentally, relationally in your psyche and your way of taking a perspective on things, the healthier you can be and choose in relationship. I always like to say my picker was off yeah, you know, I had some things happen in my life that just shaped me and, and had me believing some things that simply weren't true. And therefore I was, I was picking based on unworthiness or unlovability, which, yeah, it wasn't the truth, but it was what, you know, my life had shown me was true. So. Mary Meyer: And that's, I feel like that is really always those things. Like when we're ever off base with our own relationship with ourself, it is like we don't feel lovable, we don't feel worthy, we don't feel worthy of love, we don't feel worthy of success, we don't feel worthy of money, don't feel worthy of whatever it is, and we don't feel like we're lovable. It's just almost those things. Kara Stoltenberg: I think it definitely depends on also, though, what your family system, like, what your, what your childhood. Some of it is family system, some of it is trauma that might have happened. Like the messaging that got put in. Doesn't mean your parents were saying that to you. You're not lovable. It's not like they were saying that. But, you know, some people grew up in a situation where productivity was love or agreeability was love, or not having emotion was what got you love or being a good girl. Like, so in, in just different family systems. Kara Stoltenberg: Now I am finding, I, I, I'm in the great experiment of sending a kid out into the world who, he's, he's been given a foundation of how freaking lovable he is and, and how worthy of love he is. So I'm in that experiment of wondering, what does it look like when you deliberately pour that in? What does that look like as those kids go out? Because I do think there's more consciousness around. Mary Meyer: Yeah. Kara Stoltenberg: You know, and then on the flip side, we've got social media making everyone compare themselves and you to a standard and they're not out in the dirt. And, you know, so there, there's all kinds of things changing, but it is, it's interesting to wonder, you know, if that tide can shift. Mary Meyer: Yeah, for sure. And I, I see it too. I see it where parents are being more just cognizant of sending the message of, you know, your, your worth is based on your worth. And also you need to treat other people like their worth is based on their words. Yes. There's some balance in that, which means you don't get to have everything you want, when you want it, how you want it. So nobody does. So I have just a question for you for just someone. Mary Meyer: Because I feel like there is people who aren't trained in psychology and haven't necessarily lived through some things, but they haven't lived through everything. Like most of us are. What are the things you look for when you're like, okay, I gotta make a decision right here. Someone's in front of me. It's a family member, close friend, someone. Do I, you know, a romantic relationship? Do I hold space or do I create a boundary? Like, is this a real need or are they taking advantage? And I think that in the rubber meets the road can be challenging. Kara Stoltenberg: Yeah, I think it's probably more challenging, like in family situations. I don't know. I'm trying to think of. I think it's easier when there's an example. I. I'm gonna just kind of riff a little bit and let's see if the answer comes out to that. I think the number one thing I would always ask myself is, do I have capacity for this? Can I sit and listen and hold space for this person? Can, can I make their day a little bit better just by listening? Yeah, I'm not, you know, I can't change anything for them in one conversation, but I can make them feel heard by listening. I can make them feel love by being very present and allowing my love to be present with me. Kara Stoltenberg: And if I am resourced and I can do that, I'm going to do it every single time. Even if they are trying to take advantage. Like, if I have that in me, yeah, I'm going to give that because that's something I can do in the world to make it a better place. Mary Meyer: Right. Kara Stoltenberg: If there's a situation in which someone. Mary Meyer: Is. Kara Stoltenberg: Oh, gosh, you know, in an ongoing need, I think, I think mostly what I look at is, is this person doing something to make their situation better? Is this person trying to create a better life for themselves? Are they getting the support they need to heal what needs to be healed so they can change their life? Or are they caught in a cycle and wanting to pull me into the cycle? Because I don't have space in my personal life. I don't have space to just go round and round in someone else's cycle. Like, I want to live my life like I, I want to help people when I can. But if someone's not doing anything to improve their own circumstances, like other than like a one time, like, I'm listening, but if over and over and over you're not doing anything. Yeah, you always have to. And if you can show up once a week and listen to someone and, you know. But if you're, you know, expending time or money or energy or, you know, mental energy, if it's stressing you out and, you know you're suffering in some way, I think you have to look at, do I care more about them getting better than they do? That's right. The question now, boundaries are usually something you're able to uphold. Kara Stoltenberg: You know, you're like, sometimes you'll have an external boundary with someone. Like, do not contact me again. Mary Meyer: Right. Kara Stoltenberg: But you can control if someone keeps that boundary or not. You have to keep that boundary. Mary Meyer: True. Kara Stoltenberg: Okay. So usually I love for my clients to set boundaries that they are capable of keeping because they can control that. Mary Meyer: Right. Kara Stoltenberg: So, like, maybe let's say someone you love very much is going through something really hard, but you're also raising three tiny children and you just only have so much space, and they're not really doing anything to make their lives better. They're just kind of venting all of everything they're mad about to you, and it feels heavy and it. It's stressing you out and you're not. Nothing you do, like, it's just. It's. Nothing's helping. Mary Meyer: Right. Kara Stoltenberg: But you want to show up for them. So maybe it's like, I'm only going to talk to them once a week or that's. That would be a boundary. Or I'm going to send a text once a day and that's the way I'm going to be in touch. Or, you know, I'm going to invite them over only after the kids have gone to bed. Like, I'm just trying to think of things that you. Or another thing that's very hard that I encourage people to do within safe relationships is to say, I want you to know I love you so much, and, gosh, I want you to always feel like you can talk to me about anything. But right now, I'm having a really hard time with holding this. Kara Stoltenberg: And I want you to feel my love. And I can't hold this topic for you. How can I help you get other support, or can we table that conversation and can I support you in other ways? So I think that is important also to get comfortable. And this is a girl right here who had to get real comfortable using her voice. That was not always easy. It's still not easy for me. But again, I'm choosing relationships in which I'm safe and in which I can use my voice at this point in my life. But the only way you can get comfortable using your voice is to try using it and see how it feels and see how it works. Kara Stoltenberg: And, you know, I think when you state things like that, sometimes a person goes, oh, gosh, I didn't realize. And maybe even allow, you know, we're mirrors to each other, so maybe it even allows them to look and go, oh, gosh, what can I. What else can I do about this other than just talking about it, you know, Because I do think we can get. People can get caught in loops of just talking about stuff and not getting into action to try to change it. I'm all about action to change things. Like, if I'm not happy with something, I'm going, okay, how can I make this better? What can I do differently here? You know, whether that's physical or emotional or, you know, that's what I like to get people in the mindset of, like, if you're not happy with that, what can we do to change something or to add something new or redirect. Mary Meyer: Yeah. And I just added that. Like, you know, we're human, so it's like, we're not gonna do this. Well, necessarily, you know, in the. In the moment with people. Like, we're. And I think people either go to one side or the other, they just cut off a relationship too fast or make a judgment to. Too fast. Mary Meyer: That's, you know, not my. Not my job. And, you know, you're overstepping because they're asking for something that they might really need or they go to, you know, I gotta fix this. I gotta fix this. And being concerned for, you know, and it could be. Lots of times these things happen in family too. Right. Because it's easier to walk away from a friendship that's not working then you can't necessarily walk away from family when things are getting bad or traumatic. Mary Meyer: So, you know, and I also just want to say, like, for both of us, I'm just, you know, you go back seven, eight, nine years, and we both were. In situations where we were both spiral. I mean, for different. A little. You know, I think mine started a couple years before you had your accident. But there was that spiraling where we're going in a circle. So it's not like we're saying this in an unhuman or looking down on people way, but there might be times where you're going through things that, like, just it. For me, I would think for me, it felt like torture. Mary Meyer: And we're both still kind of in it. Right. Like, you're not. You're not better with Your. With brain injury is still something you got to deal with. And I still have the, you know, some. The just traumatic upset in family that hasn't. So things haven't necessarily resolved. Mary Meyer: But we're in a place, I think both of us, you know, our situations are so different. But. Kara Stoltenberg: Yeah. Mary Meyer: Where we, where we've worked hard to still show up in the world and still show up for people and show up even when we're not who, who we could be if all these things haven't hadn't happened. Kara Stoltenberg: Yeah. And isn't that life, though? I think that's. Yeah, that's what life is, is. It's. It's all the things that happen and figuring out how to keep showing up and shining and bringing our best for ourselves and for the people we love and for the world, for, you know. Mary Meyer: Yeah. For humanity. Kara Stoltenberg: Humanity. Because each one of us doing that is like a ripple. And you know, we, we have, we're going to have hard. Like, it's funny because, like, I do feel like I'm still in the aftermath of, you know, a seven year journey of healing. And yet in the last six months, there's been some changes in my life that are making me feel like I'm in a new season. Mary Meyer: Oh, yeah. Kara Stoltenberg: And that's exciting for me. I'm like, oh, gosh. I mean, it's fun to feel like even though everything isn't perfectly resolved from that situation and I still live with brain injury and I still have to, you know, figure that out, I do feel like the page is turning. And, you know, I think that's the thing. If you keep focusing on moving forward and finding a better way, eventually something does open. And I mean, I have been in some dark spaces enough to say. I don't say that lightly. Mary Meyer: Like, no. Kara Stoltenberg: You know, that you have to work hard and believe even harder. And when you can't believe, you need people around you to hold you up. Mary Meyer: Yeah. And sometimes it just comes down to, we're not quitting, you know, like. Like it's just like, you know, if quitting is dying, we're not gonna, we're not just gonna. I mean, how do you give up? So like, you just kind of. You don't have to be. Not every day is a good day, you know, and that was a. Especially when you're in the beginning of it. Kara Stoltenberg: Yeah. Mary Meyer: Every day is a good day. Kara Stoltenberg: Yeah. And I think that when you're talking about like people, you know, leaning toward either cutting out too soon or feeling like they have to fix it, I think the Reality. Again, going back to your question of how do you know? It's like, what are, what is this person doing to try to help themselves? Mary Meyer: Right. Kara Stoltenberg: And what can I give? Because if there, if there's someone that you love and you're like, I don't want them to not be in my life, but I can't show up very much for this thing they have going on. Mary Meyer: Right. Kara Stoltenberg: It's okay for there to be some ebb and flow within relationships. You cannot be everything to everyone. Mary Meyer: No. Kara Stoltenberg: And yet, on the other hand, you would be amazed at the tiny ways in which you can show up for people. And it doesn't cost you a lot. It takes a little bit of consciousness, thoughtfulness, consideration. You know, again, whether that's a text or, you know, just being in touch in some way. I, I, I learned a lot through ways that people randomly showed up. I learned a lot about lots of different ways in which you. Tiny little things. Mary Meyer: Yeah. Kara Stoltenberg: You know, there's so many little things you can do that make a huge difference. So don't undercount that either. Because even if you are, sometimes, if you're going through your own really hard thing, doing some little thing for someone else is just the medicine you need for that day. Mary Meyer: Right. And just checking in. I mean, honestly, sometimes it's sending memes, you know, when, you know, just to go, just keep it in touch. We don't have to talk about stuff we're going through, but we want to make sure we keep it in touch. So I have at least one person, a couple people I do that with. And then on the other end, there's people that I no longer talk to at all. And there's a little in that, I think it is the reciprocity, reciprocity piece where they were, the addiction or whatever was. It's. Mary Meyer: You just get to the point where you're like, actually, you took everything I have to give, so I can't even. It actually can't give you anymore. Kara Stoltenberg: And that's a healthy boundary. Yeah, that's a healthy boundary. Sometimes I think, yeah, there's just there, there is no one way to do it. Every single person in circumstances is different. I, I had a very good friend who at one point, point had a lot of judgment because she lacked information and understanding. And for a season, I painfully had to cut her out of my life. And I did that with the support of a counselor to be healthy and okay within myself. And years later, that friendship came back around, and, you know, she was like, oh, my gosh, I am I had no idea. Kara Stoltenberg: I had judgment because I had no idea. I couldn't understand. I didn't try to understand, and I was wrong, and I'm so sorry. And. And. And, you know, it's not like I jumped right back in. I. I was easily able to give forgiveness. Kara Stoltenberg: I accept your apology. I absolutely forgive you. But it took time to build trust, and I'm very proud to say that I've. I. It makes me tear up. Like, I've. I've worked with this person to rebuild trust, and I just got to see her recently, and it was really special and really sweet. So, I mean, that's the other thing to remember is sometimes, you know, you need some distance for a time, and sometimes there can be healing. Mary Meyer: Yeah. Kara Stoltenberg: Someone else is having emotional growth and is finding a healthy path forward in their lives. You know, you can sometimes reconnect, and it can be even more beautiful. Mary Meyer: Right. And I. I do think it's important to understand with people in your life, if it takes years to reckon, if you're not in a good situation, to recognize where it's gone wrong and then to. To climb out of it to help. That's not a. That's not it. Well, you've been dealing with this for years. Of course, you. Mary Meyer: Well, yeah, that's how. That's. That's how it is. You know, that it takes. It does take years to. To 1, rec. It and to get out of it, and then to three, try to heal from it in. In many ways, which could be a physical, like you having a brain injury where I know I was. Mary Meyer: Knew you this whole time, and I was scared we were going to lose you for probably at least a year, maybe a little more. You know, it was a. It's been. It's a long time, you know? Kara Stoltenberg: Yeah. And I know, like, for me, I just was not okay. And I knew it. And, like, I would. The only thing I could think about was healing. I have. I've got to heal. I got to do everything I can do to heal. Kara Stoltenberg: I heal, heal, heal. And I had zero other goals. And, you know, when I got to. That's that path to. When I got to a place of okay, I'm okay. And then I was like, dang, okay is not how I want to describe my life. I like to squeeze the joy out. I want to feel alive. Kara Stoltenberg: I want to be happy. I want to be living. I don't want to be okay. You know, then begin that quest. And I. I realized in the middle, I was like, you know, this is something I'VE done more than once in my life. Mary Meyer: Oh, yeah. Kara Stoltenberg: And this is something I help people do. And I was in a physical situation in which I couldn't worm my way out of it. I had to just keep working at it. I couldn't, you know, use physical power because my body became very weak. I couldn't use mental power because it was my brain that was broken. You know, there it was just all the things that I knew to do had to restructure. Mary Meyer: Right. Kara Stoltenberg: And, you know, I. I'm happy to say that I'm finding a different way to do life so that I am more than okay. So that I am alive and happy and present and, you know, enjoying not just surviving or, like, I'm okay. Mary Meyer: Right. Kara Stoltenberg: Yeah. Mary Meyer: That's why we have so many conversations about this, because I don't know that this is an easy thing to navigate in the real world by any stretch of the imagination. But you have given us all kinds of wonderful wisdom, though. Kara Stoltenberg: I love it. It's been fun. We went in a lot of different directions, and it's been fun. Mary Meyer: We did. So tell us, are you taking new clients? If someone is like, I really feel like I want to work with Kara. And how do they get in contact with you for that? Kara Stoltenberg: I am. And probably the easiest way would be to reach out on Instagram because it's just, you know, so easy. It's just my name at Kara Stoltenberg. That's K A R A S T O L T E N B E R G. And my website is also karastoltenberg.com and there's a contact form on there. Those are two easy ways to reach out to me. Mary Meyer: Yeah, that's great. Well, thank you, my friend, for this. This was very lovely. And as always, I enjoy talking to you. And, you know, and this is just another format where we share the conversation with the world. Kara Stoltenberg: So, Yes. I love it. Thanks for having me on again. Mary Meyer: Yeah, thank you.