Transcript

#6 James · Heavyweight

0:15
Speaker 1: Pushkin horrible timing six kids in my house, two parents
0:22
Speaker 1: and getting kids ready for Halloween. Jonathan Goldstein calling for
0:25
Speaker 1: doctor Jackie Cohen.
0:28
Speaker 2: I gotta go.
0:29
Speaker 1: Wait wait, wait, hello Jackie.
0:33
Speaker 3: Do you know what?
0:33
Speaker 1: Okay, you're a doctor, right, hurry up. I'm starting to realize,
0:38
Speaker 1: like in the past year, I'm I'm hurry. I'm pretty convinced. Hi,
0:45
Speaker 1: I'm losing hair. You're bald, balding, bald. It's a process,
0:52
Speaker 1: so bald. Now I'm trying to figure out if it's
0:54
Speaker 1: a symptom of something to go, John, I got to go.
0:58
Speaker 1: The party starts in fifteen minutes. You're having a party
1:00
Speaker 1: at your house. Why didn't you invite me over? Do
1:11
Speaker 1: you want to just do the show? Or from Gimblet Media.
1:22
Speaker 1: I'm Jonathan Goldstein and this is Heavyweight Today's episode. James.
1:38
Speaker 1: When he was a kid, James loved taking long walks
1:41
Speaker 1: with his dad, Douglas. Douglas was a film buff, and
1:45
Speaker 1: during these walks, he'd recount the plot to every movie
1:48
Speaker 1: he'd ever seen. Hitchcock Kubrick. James loved it, and when
1:53
Speaker 1: he grew older and finally got to see the actual
1:55
Speaker 1: movies as good as they were, They often paled beside
1:59
Speaker 1: the versions his dad told something of a dreamer and
2:02
Speaker 1: an eccentric. Douglas lived his life as though he himself
2:06
Speaker 1: were a character in a movie. He died that way too.
2:09
Speaker 1: On his deathbed, he issued an unexpected final request.
2:14
Speaker 4: The request was that we scatter his ashes on the
2:19
Speaker 4: eighteenth hole of the golf course he loved.
2:29
Speaker 1: Each of Douglas's kids was handed a different task regarding
2:32
Speaker 1: the estate. James was put in charge of the ashes.
2:36
Speaker 4: My dad was probably the most important person to me
2:39
Speaker 4: outside obviously my wife and kids. When he died and
2:45
Speaker 4: when the will was recorded, I wasn't there. You were
2:48
Speaker 4: actually there.
2:49
Speaker 1: I think I was there. Douglas was nearing the end
2:53
Speaker 1: and urgently needed to sign his will, and James, who
2:56
Speaker 1: lived out of town, couldn't make it in time, so
2:59
Speaker 1: he asked me and our other good friend Howard, to
3:02
Speaker 1: go to his father's bedside and bear legal witness to
3:04
Speaker 1: the signing of the will. To this day, James still
3:08
Speaker 1: carries around a lot of regret about not being able
3:10
Speaker 1: to be there, Although I know it's unlikely. My memory
3:18
Speaker 1: of that day is of Douglas wearing an ascot tucked
3:21
Speaker 1: into his hospital robe, regardless of whether he actually was.
3:25
Speaker 1: Douglas was the kind of man who always gave the
3:27
Speaker 1: impression of wearing an ascot. As always he was gentlemanly
3:31
Speaker 1: and cordial, this in spite of the fact that he
3:35
Speaker 1: would pass away within the next forty eight hours. Douglas
3:46
Speaker 1: was born an illegitimate child in a poor part of
3:48
Speaker 1: England and raised by a single mom. As a young man,
3:52
Speaker 1: he felt judged and carried with him the feeling of
3:55
Speaker 1: always having to prove himself, even going so far as
3:58
Speaker 1: to effect a posh, upper class accent. For Douglas, golf
4:02
Speaker 1: was the domain of the wealthy and sophisticated, and having
4:06
Speaker 1: his ashes placed on the eighteenth hole of his beloved
4:08
Speaker 1: golf course, an event that James says he probably envisioned
4:12
Speaker 1: being accompanied by bagpipes and artillery, would mean finally receiving
4:16
Speaker 1: his due. But James has yet to honor his father's request.
4:20
Speaker 1: It's now been sixteen years. Is it just procrastination?
4:26
Speaker 4: That's what I told myself. Yeah, I can vividly remember,
4:30
Speaker 4: you know, a day afterwards, thinking oh, yeah, the simplest thing.
4:34
Speaker 4: In fact, it seems so simple that we'll get to it.
4:37
Speaker 4: And now sixteen years later. It's very complicated, I think,
4:44
Speaker 4: to be honest with you, there's part of me that
4:47
Speaker 4: wants to hold on to them because it's.
4:51
Speaker 1: My dad. And so the earn moved from mantles to
4:59
Speaker 1: closets for a long time. It even knocked around in
5:02
Speaker 1: the trunk of James's car. It now sits on a
5:05
Speaker 1: shelf in his basement. Do you think it would be uh,
5:11
Speaker 1: would it be a load off your head if you
5:13
Speaker 1: were able to spread the ashes?
5:17
Speaker 4: The amount of times I cried, you know, going on
5:21
Speaker 4: about how what a terrible son I was to not
5:24
Speaker 4: honor his request, and the guilt I have about the
5:27
Speaker 4: way he died, and you know I didn't deal with
5:29
Speaker 4: it well, and it's all a piece he as he
5:38
Speaker 4: got sicker and sticker. He wanted to go home desperately,
5:42
Speaker 4: and myself and my siblings decided he could not go
5:47
Speaker 4: home because he was a hoarder.
5:50
Speaker 1: Though it wasn't clear that he ever used them. Douglas
5:53
Speaker 1: had an entire room filled solely with golf clubs, having
5:57
Speaker 1: lived through the war. He also saved empty TV dinner trays,
6:00
Speaker 1: old microwaves, and broken radios that he'd find on the street.
6:04
Speaker 4: We decided he could not go back there, and he
6:08
Speaker 4: was so upset about that, and he went out just.
6:12
Speaker 1: Really angry.
6:14
Speaker 4: He just wanted to go home. I can't fix the
6:18
Speaker 4: way he died, but this was his one request and
6:22
Speaker 4: I haven't honored it. And not only would I be
6:27
Speaker 4: putting to bed something that's been just dogging me for years,
6:32
Speaker 4: I think I'd also feel pretty proud of myself that
6:35
Speaker 4: I'm the person I want to be.
6:38
Speaker 1: Since the person I want to be is the person
6:40
Speaker 1: who helps people be the people they want to be.
6:43
Speaker 1: I asked James if he'd like me to help him
6:45
Speaker 1: lay his father's ashes to rest, and James said, yes,
6:49
Speaker 1: would you want to do that?
6:50
Speaker 4: Yeah, of course I do.
6:56
Speaker 1: The objective infiltrate Douglas's fancy old golf course and scatter
7:00
Speaker 1: the ashes the obstacles except the genarian narcs with prying eyes,
7:05
Speaker 1: not to mention the fact that scattering earthly remains is
7:08
Speaker 1: against the law. For this to work, we need the
7:12
Speaker 1: right team. James was the key man, our entry point
7:15
Speaker 1: into the operation, and I was the bank bank rolling
7:19
Speaker 1: the green for expenditures. All that was missing was a
7:22
Speaker 1: front man. We needed a person of quick wit back
7:26
Speaker 1: bat cat, sat fat, someone cool under pressure. We needed
7:33
Speaker 1: that's arm here. Howard. Not only was Howard our oldest friend,
7:39
Speaker 1: but he was there with me the day the will
7:41
Speaker 1: was signed and the directive was given. And to top
7:45
Speaker 1: it off, Howard never met a grift, swindle or flim flam.
7:48
Speaker 1: He didn't think was eggs and the coffee. Okay, fill
7:51
Speaker 1: your pockets with extra after dinner mints at the local diner.
7:54
Speaker 1: Check avail yourself. Avill gained coffee refills through a counterfeit
7:59
Speaker 1: Russian Seniors card double check. Howard was always on the
8:03
Speaker 1: make and up for anything. The date had been set Sunday,
8:11
Speaker 1: which also, as it happens, was Father's Day. The team
8:15
Speaker 1: was in place. We just needed to sort out logistics.
8:20
Speaker 1: Thursday eight forty eight pm. Howard, Hey, Hi, Hi, Hi, Hello, Hey,
8:27
Speaker 1: I'm on the phone with James.
8:29
Speaker 4: Hi.
8:31
Speaker 1: I just wanted to get us all together to strategize
8:33
Speaker 1: a little bit. So, Howard, is there any wisdom or
8:37
Speaker 1: experience that you could bring to bear from you know,
8:40
Speaker 1: past things that you've done like this.
8:42
Speaker 2: From my previous heist experience. Yeah, well we shouldn't do
8:46
Speaker 2: as we get too high. Yeah, in one some booze
8:49
Speaker 2: maybe might help steal our nerves.
8:52
Speaker 1: So do you want to try to go there and
8:55
Speaker 1: play golf?
8:58
Speaker 2: No, I've never golfed.
8:59
Speaker 3: I don't know how to golf, so I've never golfed either.
9:01
Speaker 3: And it's the eighteenth hole too, so I wish it
9:04
Speaker 3: was the first hole because we could just go and
9:06
Speaker 3: suck and then do our thing.
9:09
Speaker 2: Yeah, it simply needs the eighteenth hole.
9:10
Speaker 3: Right, eighteenth hole, it's a last hole.
9:13
Speaker 2: But if there's someone there watching us, how we how
9:16
Speaker 2: do we do it?
9:17
Speaker 3: The clubhouse is near the eighteenth hole. It looks over
9:20
Speaker 3: at eighteenth sole, so that's another challenge.
9:23
Speaker 2: What the clubhouse?
9:24
Speaker 1: Clearly there was a lot of work to be done.
9:35
Speaker 1: Nine pm. A quick look at the golf course website
9:39
Speaker 1: reveals a very specific dress code polo shirts, belts, golf shoes,
9:44
Speaker 1: something called a tilly hat. If wearing a polo shirt
9:47
Speaker 1: with some kind of bonnet wasn't embarrassing enough, the rules
9:51
Speaker 1: explicitly stated that all shirts were to be tucked in
9:54
Speaker 1: to your pants. For this to work, we need to
9:58
Speaker 1: honor the dress code to a t. In short, we
10:01
Speaker 1: need the best disguises money could buy. And as the bank,
10:05
Speaker 1: it was my job to secure the Greenbacks a brief
10:09
Speaker 1: parlay with Gimblet founder and CEO Alex Bloomberg. I'm told
10:13
Speaker 1: my budget is fifty dollars, to which I say, but
10:16
Speaker 1: I've already promised the crew I take them shopping at
10:19
Speaker 1: j C. Penny and now I'll look like an idiot,
10:21
Speaker 1: to which he says what crew, and I say never mind.
10:25
Speaker 1: Alex then tells me to take it up with Matt
10:27
Speaker 1: because he's in the middle of a boardroom meeting. But
10:30
Speaker 1: Matt scares me, so I just convert the green to
10:32
Speaker 1: Canadian travelers checks, a safe, responsible move. So Alex, if
10:35
Speaker 1: you're listening, you should at least cover the service fees.
10:38
Speaker 1: Except you probably aren't listening because you're too busy with
10:40
Speaker 1: your precious startup. So although it probably wasn't the kind
10:47
Speaker 1: of establishment James's Poshdad Douglas would approve of, we'd need
10:51
Speaker 1: to hit the only place we could afford. Please after you,
10:55
Speaker 1: all right, Friday, twelve thirty six pm. It turns out
11:00
Speaker 1: the sports section of a goodwill can be a pretty
11:03
Speaker 1: sad place. Unstrung badminton rackets, water logged nerf footballs you
11:08
Speaker 1: only hope are logged on water.
11:10
Speaker 2: And one boxing glove.
11:11
Speaker 4: That's that's the.
11:13
Speaker 1: As an advanced student of the heist film as genre,
11:16
Speaker 1: I know that when pulling off a big job, the
11:18
Speaker 1: perfect outfit is crucial. Think Michael Kine's lux white turtleneck
11:23
Speaker 1: in The Italian Job or Elliott Gould's neckerchief in Ocean's Eleven.
11:29
Speaker 4: They have some very nice slacks here, I will say,
11:32
Speaker 4: and the prices are very affordable.
11:34
Speaker 1: You want to try on the polo shirts, not exactly
11:36
Speaker 1: Frankie Munez is wrap around shades and agent Cody Banks,
11:40
Speaker 1: but it'll have to do.
11:41
Speaker 2: Look at these two.
11:43
Speaker 1: Ooh, it's like rayon. The good news is that the
11:48
Speaker 1: Goodwill has changing rooms. The bad news is that there's
11:52
Speaker 1: only one, and it's about the size of a bus
11:54
Speaker 1: station toilet stall. I'm going to come in with you,
11:57
Speaker 1: but since we are a a team and be absolutely
12:00
Speaker 1: fearless together, we cram in and like any team would
12:04
Speaker 1: strip completely naked.
12:07
Speaker 2: That might be the I.
12:11
Speaker 1: It bears, mentioning that the shirt Howard is referring to
12:14
Speaker 1: is creamsicle orange and bears the logo of a plumbing company,
12:18
Speaker 1: and luckiest of lucky days, he's found the exact same
12:22
Speaker 1: shirts for me. And James this way. He reasons, we
12:26
Speaker 1: can all match like a crew.
12:30
Speaker 2: It's supposed to look good.
12:31
Speaker 5: It's golfing.
12:35
Speaker 1: Oh man, Howard, James and I have known each other
12:38
Speaker 1: since we're teenagers. Back then we used to hang out
12:41
Speaker 1: like this all the time, just doing goofy stuff. But
12:45
Speaker 1: we now live in separate cities with wives, kids, jobs,
12:48
Speaker 1: and we never get to do this kind of thing anymore.
12:51
Speaker 1: Standing around in the middle of the afternoon, laughing in
12:54
Speaker 1: the buff with old friends feels nice. So this is good.
13:03
Speaker 4: We got We've got shirts, and I got a belt.
13:07
Speaker 1: As we exit into the parking lot are plastic sacks
13:10
Speaker 1: plump with glad rags. Something straight up magical happens.
13:14
Speaker 3: Oh my god.
13:15
Speaker 1: Before getting too excited about what we think we might
13:18
Speaker 1: be seeing, possibly, we wait confirmation from the man who
13:22
Speaker 1: can spot a con a mile off a double rainbow.
13:25
Speaker 1: It's legit a double rainbow. And even Howard's impressed mildly,
13:31
Speaker 1: and so James and I give ourselves over Fully overcome
13:37
Speaker 1: by this fortuitous sign, the crew was moved to song.
13:41
Speaker 5: So its red and purple and crimson and green apple and.
13:46
Speaker 1: A rainbow was a good omen Like James's dad, Douglas
13:49
Speaker 1: was looking down on us and smiling a big, multicolored
13:52
Speaker 1: upside down smile, and Jen Blue. Sure we were dressed
14:00
Speaker 1: to the eighteens, but if we each took forty five
14:03
Speaker 1: minutes to sink a ball from two feet away, we
14:06
Speaker 1: might attract suspicion. We needed to train hard. I'm talking
14:12
Speaker 1: rocky running through waist high Russian snow hard, a montage
14:16
Speaker 1: of steel drum musicians learning to play Chariots of Fire
14:19
Speaker 1: set to the tune of Ayah the Tiger hard. I'm
14:23
Speaker 1: talking actually learning how to play golf. We find a
14:32
Speaker 1: driving range in the fancier part of town and book
14:35
Speaker 1: a golf pro by the name of Stephen. Saturday, one pm.
14:41
Speaker 1: Are you Stephen, Hey, Stephen, I'm Jonathan, This is Howard,
14:46
Speaker 1: and this is James. This is Stephen. Stephen a smile
14:51
Speaker 1: with more dimples than the golf balls. He lovingly cradles
14:54
Speaker 1: a tall drink of sports aqua velva ou de toilette
14:57
Speaker 1: if ever there was Stephen's been golfing professionally for over
15:02
Speaker 1: twenty years and couldn't be nicer or better. Smelling and
15:06
Speaker 1: considering the frantic barrage of imbecilic questions, we ask he
15:09
Speaker 1: also couldn't be more patient.
15:12
Speaker 5: Those official call shoes. Yeah, well, I want good questions
15:15
Speaker 5: and stupid what a golfers think about?
15:16
Speaker 2: Like happy gilmore like mo like that. They find that
15:18
Speaker 2: they find it insulting.
15:23
Speaker 1: After a brief lecture on the basic how to's hit
15:26
Speaker 1: ball with stick, cold stick, with hands, get ball in hole,
15:30
Speaker 1: we're ready, we insist James go first. After all, this
15:35
Speaker 1: is his mission. What we want of these really is
15:37
Speaker 1: finish it.
15:38
Speaker 4: Just like this.
15:38
Speaker 2: Yere, we're gonna get to the well.
15:40
Speaker 1: Stephen tenderly positions James hips and elbows. Howard grabs my
15:44
Speaker 1: microphone and golf commentates.
15:47
Speaker 5: I'd say he looks really really horrible.
15:50
Speaker 6: It's just ridiculous looking. I'm not encouraging.
15:56
Speaker 1: Somehow, James manages to connect on his very first try.
16:01
Speaker 1: That's good.
16:02
Speaker 2: Everyone's saying very encouraging things.
16:04
Speaker 7: But it's really horrible just the same.
16:05
Speaker 2: But he got it.
16:06
Speaker 1: It went in the air and he hit it.
16:07
Speaker 5: It's like you say to a child's.
16:09
Speaker 1: Good you hit it. Stephen looks over at Howard, who
16:13
Speaker 1: now squats in the grass, untying and retying his two
16:16
Speaker 1: left footed Goodwill issued golf shoes and then he looks
16:20
Speaker 1: over at me, a grown man in a two large
16:23
Speaker 1: tilly hat, strings cinched tight enough beneath the chin to
16:26
Speaker 1: ensure the clenched, jawed vocal affect of a young Katherine Hepburn.
16:30
Speaker 1: He waives us to come hither, offering up something in
16:33
Speaker 1: the way of inspiration.
16:36
Speaker 5: I'm gonna try to make it go from right to left.
16:38
Speaker 4: It must feel really good when you get it up
16:40
Speaker 4: in the air like that.
16:41
Speaker 2: Well, it's great because that's the goal, right, is to
16:43
Speaker 2: get it up.
16:46
Speaker 1: The golf ball flies straight up into the air, and then,
16:49
Speaker 1: as though eerily achieving human consciousness in mid flight, suddenly
16:53
Speaker 1: takes a sharp left. Wah so cool. Howard, baptized in
16:59
Speaker 1: the backsplash of Stephen's pheromones, is born again. He's seen
17:03
Speaker 1: the pinnacle of male perfection. And James, it is not see.
17:08
Speaker 2: James, that's what it looks like. That's when a man
17:11
Speaker 2: hits a golf ball.
17:12
Speaker 5: A male of the species is a golf ball.
17:15
Speaker 1: Next up is Howard. He steps to the tee, grips
17:18
Speaker 1: the club, and just the way Stephen instructed, does this
17:21
Speaker 1: adorable waddle back and forth to get his footing just so,
17:25
Speaker 1: And then did you hear that, Let me play it
17:30
Speaker 1: again thrice. A swing and a miss, A swing and
17:36
Speaker 1: a miss, A swing and a miss.
17:38
Speaker 3: That's too much a little bit if you're losing your
17:39
Speaker 3: balance between fast. The first twenty five.
17:43
Speaker 1: Years are tough, oh, Steven, all this and funny too.
17:50
Speaker 1: My attempts were just as fruitless. As it turns out.
17:54
Speaker 1: Golf is hard. We wonder if Douglas knew just how
17:57
Speaker 1: difficult a mission he'd sent us on.
17:59
Speaker 4: How would do we do without a golf pro standing
18:02
Speaker 4: there helping us?
18:03
Speaker 1: You know the difference between golf clubs, and.
18:06
Speaker 4: There's a wet Oh I don't, not really, I mean
18:10
Speaker 4: I know it's a.
18:11
Speaker 5: Ledge driver, putterer one iron, two iron, three iron, pudder
18:17
Speaker 5: driver pudder.
18:22
Speaker 2: One.
18:23
Speaker 1: Nine am. It's the night before the job, and the
18:26
Speaker 1: reality of our situation begins to set in. How can
18:30
Speaker 1: any sting be stung when the would be stingers absolutely
18:33
Speaker 1: stink at golf. Clearly this plan wasn't going to work,
18:37
Speaker 1: and so at a quarter to two in the morning,
18:40
Speaker 1: panic set in.
18:42
Speaker 2: It's impossible. It's impossible for us to play golf. We
18:45
Speaker 2: would suck so hard we would never make it off.
18:47
Speaker 2: The first fucking hole and if we knocked the balls anywhere.
18:49
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm with you.
18:50
Speaker 2: It's like learning how to fucking juggle. It's like it's
18:52
Speaker 2: it's an incredibly impossible thing to do. It's gonna be
18:55
Speaker 2: so obvious that there's something's up because we've never fucking golfed.
18:58
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's the issue. If we're doing any sort of subterfuge,
19:01
Speaker 3: we're gonna be the most obvious conspicuous.
19:03
Speaker 2: People in the world, vicious.
19:05
Speaker 3: And then we'll have to get all the way to
19:07
Speaker 3: the eighteenth holl That takes hours, literally hours, even if
19:10
Speaker 3: you're good, literally and then try to with the ashes
19:13
Speaker 3: out forget it.
19:15
Speaker 1: Two fifteen am. Do you guys know what? Stomp rockets
19:18
Speaker 1: are growing desperate, we chuck the old plan and begin
19:21
Speaker 1: to free associate new plans.
19:23
Speaker 3: We did a T shirt cannon. Well you know actually
19:25
Speaker 3: that that could work.
19:29
Speaker 1: Three zho five am.
19:30
Speaker 2: What if we dumped them into say, like a balloon
19:33
Speaker 2: and then filled it with water and then whip them
19:37
Speaker 2: so they'll explode all on the eighteenth green and that's it.
19:40
Speaker 1: This was going nowhere. So I raised the possibility of
19:44
Speaker 1: our pulling off a night job for those of you
19:46
Speaker 1: squares who need to be hept to it. That's a
19:49
Speaker 1: job one performs at night.
19:51
Speaker 2: I think they might have dogs. What if they think
19:53
Speaker 2: we're like terrorists or something super super posh exclusive club
19:56
Speaker 2: going late at night with someone's human remains, which is
19:59
Speaker 2: fucking totally illegal.
20:00
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean they must have some sort of security there.
20:02
Speaker 1: Well a hundred percent the sun was coming up soon,
20:04
Speaker 1: So I suggest that, like in Dog Day Afternoon or
20:07
Speaker 1: Reservoir Dogs, or really any other movies about dogs that
20:11
Speaker 1: I've also not seen but can only assume have happy,
20:14
Speaker 1: heartwarming endings, maybe we just show up during the day
20:18
Speaker 1: and hope for the best. This idea, Okay, that works
20:21
Speaker 1: for me, they liked. After the break the a team
20:27
Speaker 1: of golf sets off on its mission.
20:30
Speaker 2: Oh, I want to be golf lung win and you
20:31
Speaker 2: can be mister t t e R. Gotcha.
20:35
Speaker 1: I want one of mine?
20:36
Speaker 2: You just know it's wedge. Your your Reginald van cleef.
20:56
Speaker 5: Yous want to drink Scotch yet?
20:57
Speaker 1: Maybe on ice? Sure?
21:00
Speaker 4: Thank you.
21:02
Speaker 1: Sunday eight ten am, Father's Day arrives, a beautiful one
21:07
Speaker 1: in Montreal. Janie says it's a lot like the day
21:10
Speaker 1: Douglas died. We all rendezvous at the safe house, which
21:14
Speaker 1: also happens to be Howard's wreck room. James has held
21:18
Speaker 1: on to his dad's urn for sixteen years, but he's
21:20
Speaker 1: always kept it in the velvet bag it came with,
21:23
Speaker 1: so he's never actually handled it. Earlier in the day, though,
21:26
Speaker 1: in anticipation of the job, he withdrew it. And if
21:30
Speaker 1: there was any question about just how much Douglas loved golf,
21:33
Speaker 1: it was immediately answered by what was revealed. Etched into
21:37
Speaker 1: the side of the urn was a golfer in mid swing.
21:45
Speaker 5: It hears to you, Dad, don't think some of Brussy's
21:49
Speaker 5: poop bags that are actually uncented, which is kind of nice.
21:51
Speaker 5: We're going to use these to chants for some of
21:53
Speaker 5: James's beloved's father's ash isn't here.
21:56
Speaker 1: Howard had the idea of using his pugs poop bags
21:59
Speaker 1: to separate the ashes into portions for each of us.
22:03
Speaker 1: His reasoning, should one of us get pinched by some
22:05
Speaker 1: golf clubhouse Johnny Law, the two surviving members of the
22:09
Speaker 1: crew could still carry out the job.
22:11
Speaker 2: Oh my god, this is so strange.
22:13
Speaker 1: Oh I want a business.
22:15
Speaker 3: I don't know what a business. I definitely what a
22:16
Speaker 3: fucking business.
22:18
Speaker 4: Well, I'm glad you've got I'm glad, I'm I've had
22:21
Speaker 4: a couple drinks, still getting off. I don't know, but
22:23
Speaker 4: I'm really glad you guys are doing this with me,
22:27
Speaker 4: You're part of this thing. For sixteen years, there was
22:29
Speaker 4: there was this sort of fear that I wouldn't be
22:30
Speaker 4: able to handle dealing with it, the physicality of it.
22:34
Speaker 4: But if if there's something I'm now grateful for it,
22:36
Speaker 4: and I wonder if there was some wisdom in it,
22:38
Speaker 4: is that he has compelled me to deal with this.
22:42
Speaker 1: I've never cursed him for it.
22:43
Speaker 4: But I've been angry. I've never been angry, but I've
22:46
Speaker 4: been I don't know what the word is, sort of
22:47
Speaker 4: like fuck. You know, you couldn't just go without, you
22:50
Speaker 4: couldn't just die. You had to make this somewhat absurd,
22:54
Speaker 4: ridiculous request that was impractical and almost impossible to achieve.
22:58
Speaker 4: But I'm right saying right now kind of almost grateful
23:00
Speaker 4: for it. So let's uh, let's hope, let's hope we're
23:04
Speaker 4: successful today.
23:07
Speaker 1: Eight twenty five am.
23:09
Speaker 2: I don't know.
23:10
Speaker 1: As we set off on the job, Howard shows doubts
23:13
Speaker 1: about his outfit.
23:14
Speaker 2: I look like a fat failure of a dentist.
23:17
Speaker 5: I looked like I lost my practice because I put
23:19
Speaker 5: dentures in a child's mouth.
23:25
Speaker 1: As we near the golf course, James grows silent, Am
23:31
Speaker 1: I have part in a space?
23:33
Speaker 5: All right?
23:34
Speaker 1: Good show? How are you feeling nervous? I'm going to
23:38
Speaker 1: park near here, just for a quick getaway from the
23:44
Speaker 1: parking lot. We wind our way towards the green. Maybe
23:47
Speaker 1: it's testament to a tillie had cocked at just the
23:49
Speaker 1: right angle. But nobody seems to be stopping us. We
23:53
Speaker 1: have infiltrated, like how manicured it is.
23:57
Speaker 5: It's like it's like it looks like like a pool table,
23:59
Speaker 5: as it was a pile of ashes there in the middle.
24:02
Speaker 1: The golf course is what you'd expect, green grass as
24:05
Speaker 1: far as the eye can see, trees, ponds, It's beauty,
24:09
Speaker 1: full and under normal circumstances, it'd make us feel peaceful like,
24:13
Speaker 1: but just now it's making us feel out of place,
24:16
Speaker 1: reminding us of who we are. Three frightened middle aged
24:20
Speaker 1: men dressed in discarded plumbing company uniforms, struggling under the
24:24
Speaker 1: weight of our bulky knapsacks and a mission that just
24:27
Speaker 1: now feels too big. For us, I don't should we
24:37
Speaker 1: just try to go to the eighteenth hole or should
24:39
Speaker 1: we go in? And that's I believe that's it isn't.
24:43
Speaker 1: As it turns out, the eighteenth hole is the whole
24:46
Speaker 1: nearest the parking lot. That red flag is your destination
24:52
Speaker 1: screen of.
24:52
Speaker 4: The eighteenth hole, and that is it. It is the
24:55
Speaker 4: most conspicuous hole. So thanks a lot that Right now,
25:00
Speaker 4: right now, we're going to watch even now living one.
25:08
Speaker 1: We just to play it cool case the joint. We
25:12
Speaker 1: make our way to the ninth hole, which is out
25:13
Speaker 1: of view, and it's here that fear sets in and
25:17
Speaker 1: with it bargaining.
25:20
Speaker 4: The ninth hole, Dad, right here be perfect. I could
25:22
Speaker 4: go with the whole earned dump it. Maybe he liked
25:24
Speaker 4: the screen, he liked the whole, he liked the whole
25:26
Speaker 4: golf course.
25:26
Speaker 3: It wasn't his.
25:27
Speaker 4: But I know this is the back nine.
25:28
Speaker 1: I know he liked the bat next denial.
25:31
Speaker 2: That's my question.
25:32
Speaker 5: Why don't your dad, who is an avid golfer, who's
25:34
Speaker 5: probably really really serious for those games, why would he want.
25:37
Speaker 2: To put his ashes on the green which would interfere
25:39
Speaker 2: with another golfers.
25:43
Speaker 1: I suggest we cool our heels in the clubhouse. And
25:46
Speaker 1: the boys agree. It turns out that that evening is
25:49
Speaker 1: a Father's Day banquet, so the staff is rushing to prepare,
25:52
Speaker 1: which allows us to wander around relatively unnoticed. The club
25:57
Speaker 1: goes back about one hundred years, and on the walls
26:00
Speaker 1: are hung old brown and white photos and plaques commemorating
26:03
Speaker 1: the members who've died fighting in both World Wars. Since
26:07
Speaker 1: almost the start of our mission, James had expressed a
26:10
Speaker 1: fear that maybe no one at the club would even
26:12
Speaker 1: remember his dad. Douglas was just such a loner that
26:15
Speaker 1: over the years James had never met any of his friends.
26:18
Speaker 1: As far as he knew, he didn't really have any
26:21
Speaker 1: There was a lot about his dad he didn't know,
26:24
Speaker 1: like whether he was even any good at golf. So
26:26
Speaker 1: we was hoping he might find some small trace of
26:28
Speaker 1: him here, a photo, or even his name on a
26:32
Speaker 1: list somewhere. Oh the registreet we find a large, old
26:36
Speaker 1: looking book that lists every champion in the course's history. Wow,
26:41
Speaker 1: it goes back to nineteen oh three.
26:43
Speaker 4: Passage and Williamson. I mean, I'm sure he's probably documented
26:48
Speaker 4: in some books somewhere. It's just, of course I'll find it.
26:52
Speaker 1: Do you want to check that book. Did you look
26:55
Speaker 1: through willis?
26:56
Speaker 6: Yeah, I didn't see any of her.
26:58
Speaker 1: Since the book won't talk, we look for someone who will.
27:01
Speaker 1: We stop every staff member and golfer who looks old
27:04
Speaker 1: enough and ask if they remember Douglas.
27:06
Speaker 3: I'm saying it was Douglas.
27:07
Speaker 4: Sarch the past away in two thousand, were hoping to
27:09
Speaker 4: find some sort of inside of him.
27:11
Speaker 1: Fight.
27:12
Speaker 3: The name is a ring a bell. Doug was Hirst
27:14
Speaker 3: a long time ago. People who remember and I played
27:17
Speaker 3: six in the morning.
27:18
Speaker 2: So the only guys I know are the grass.
27:22
Speaker 1: I didn't know him yet, No Dice until Doug Hurst.
27:26
Speaker 7: You guys knew him.
27:27
Speaker 5: Sure, that's his son.
27:31
Speaker 1: In a basement room, squeezed into an armchair watching golf
27:34
Speaker 1: on TV is Serge. A French Canadian bulldog of a man.
27:39
Speaker 1: He pours fistfuls of mixed nuts into his mouth, which
27:42
Speaker 1: he washes down with generous slugs from his beer.
27:46
Speaker 2: Cruizy dog.
27:47
Speaker 3: That's you.
27:49
Speaker 1: Through the half jar of fancy cocktail nuts crammed into
27:52
Speaker 1: his grizzled maw. You might not be able to understand
27:55
Speaker 1: the words Sarge is desperately trying to choke out. He's
27:59
Speaker 1: saying crazy Doug. Crazy Doug is his nickname for James's dad. Oh,
28:06
Speaker 1: I'm so glad I found someone who remember him.
28:08
Speaker 5: We asked a few people and not too many, you'll know,
28:10
Speaker 5: Bambernham help me find in maybe a staff member who
28:12
Speaker 5: had been here a while that no one knew a
28:13
Speaker 5: lot of You know, I'm him very well.
28:16
Speaker 4: So is he a good golf player?
28:18
Speaker 1: Was he good?
28:18
Speaker 6: It was a good golfer. Yeah, he was like was
28:24
Speaker 6: it eight or nine handicap? Okay, Oh, that's very good.
28:29
Speaker 7: He is like the top five percent of all the
28:34
Speaker 7: golfers in the world. So he was very good.
28:37
Speaker 1: He was very good, and he was dedicated. The room
28:40
Speaker 1: full of golf clubs that James had thought was garbage,
28:43
Speaker 1: Sarah spoke of it with respect. He called it the largest,
28:47
Speaker 1: most complete collection of golf clubs in all of Canada.
28:51
Speaker 1: You never want to hear someone refer to a person
28:53
Speaker 1: you love by a pet name prefixed by the word crazy.
28:57
Speaker 1: But the benefit is that when they tell you stuff
28:59
Speaker 1: about your dad, you know they're being honest. So when
29:02
Speaker 1: Sarah says what he says next, James knows he can
29:05
Speaker 1: believe him.
29:07
Speaker 7: I don't think I have ever met somebody as brilliant
29:12
Speaker 7: as your dad, the level of knowledge about every day.
29:19
Speaker 7: But on the other side, he was also very I
29:22
Speaker 7: wasn't too shy isolated like executive. Yeah, he quickly alone.
29:28
Speaker 7: We saw him very rarely on the clubhouse.
29:31
Speaker 4: I think it was because he was a bit of
29:33
Speaker 4: a loner.
29:34
Speaker 1: But he did love.
29:35
Speaker 4: People, and he loved the people here, and he did
29:36
Speaker 4: love all his friends here. But he really loved to
29:39
Speaker 4: come at six in the morning when he could just
29:41
Speaker 4: do his thing. That was very my father. That's what
29:43
Speaker 4: I really used to say, dude, it's very my father.
29:45
Speaker 1: And it's not that he didn't like people.
29:46
Speaker 5: He just liked to.
29:47
Speaker 4: Do things at his speed, his way and be done
29:51
Speaker 4: because he was sort of a loner.
29:52
Speaker 3: He was a loner.
29:53
Speaker 1: He's my father.
29:54
Speaker 6: You're the son of your father.
29:57
Speaker 1: And with that, it's time for James to become the
30:04
Speaker 1: son his father had asked him to be and do
30:07
Speaker 1: the job we came for.
30:10
Speaker 5: It's a great Now we're just we're just walking around,
30:12
Speaker 5: we're members, remembers sons.
30:14
Speaker 1: We head back outside and walk with purpose to the
30:17
Speaker 1: eighteenth hole. As fate would have it, the coast is clear.
30:21
Speaker 2: Actually, James, right now, turn your head right now here
30:25
Speaker 2: just just kind of just just kind of cool.
30:28
Speaker 5: Yeah, tire shoe, tire shoe, this opportunity right now.
30:31
Speaker 2: Let's walk with him.
30:32
Speaker 1: With Howard on his left and me on his right.
30:35
Speaker 1: We walked James out to the green, doing our best
30:37
Speaker 1: to protect him from view. Yeah, but we're walking with you.
30:41
Speaker 2: Say something, maybe I will.
30:43
Speaker 4: I will say something in my head.
30:48
Speaker 1: Do you want to say something in your head?
30:49
Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm just saying something in my head.
30:50
Speaker 5: Okay, Well, we're actually doing this. This is incredible because
30:59
Speaker 5: you're actually doing it right now.
31:00
Speaker 2: This is actually happening.
31:01
Speaker 5: He's actually putting his dad's ashes right on the eighteenth hole,
31:04
Speaker 5: just like he wanted.
31:05
Speaker 2: We didn't think this would be possible.
31:06
Speaker 5: Actually, James just tip just how he put He just
31:08
Speaker 5: dumped it right now the eighteenth hole.
31:13
Speaker 4: I got it right in the hole.
31:16
Speaker 1: That felt really good. I'm really glad right in the
31:18
Speaker 1: hole exactly. I feel great.
31:21
Speaker 4: I feel awesome.
31:28
Speaker 1: Howard and I are feeling pretty good too. This is
31:31
Speaker 1: the last time James would ever get to do something
31:33
Speaker 1: his dad had asked him to do, and we're proud
31:36
Speaker 1: to be a small part of it. We put our
31:38
Speaker 1: arms around our friend's neck and pat his back.
31:43
Speaker 3: Okay, well you got back home.
31:47
Speaker 6: That's incredible.
31:49
Speaker 1: Happy father's Day, Happy father's Day.
31:51
Speaker 4: Happy father's Day.
31:54
Speaker 1: Worked out perfectly. And James is right, it has kind
31:58
Speaker 1: of worked out perfectly. Sure, unlike the end of heist
32:02
Speaker 1: films like Reservoir Dogs, we weren't sipping drinks from a
32:05
Speaker 1: coconut on a beautiful beach. But James had become the
32:08
Speaker 1: person he wanted to be, and I'd become the person
32:11
Speaker 1: who helped him become the person he wanted to be.
32:14
Speaker 1: And Howard, well, he'd become the person who fills up
32:17
Speaker 1: a dog poop bag with free golf clubhouse dinner mint.
32:20
Speaker 1: So while in all it was a happy ending.
32:24
Speaker 2: Thank you guys for doing this, James had a fistful
32:27
Speaker 2: of his father's ashes in his hand, and he walked
32:30
Speaker 2: onto that green like a dawn bend onto one. He
32:33
Speaker 2: tipped his hat and just dumped it right into the
32:34
Speaker 2: hole and clean right in the hole. That was a
32:37
Speaker 2: hole in one. That's what I would say.
33:03
Speaker 1: Now that the Fernitures returned to its goodwill.
33:12
Speaker 4: Now that the last month's rant is skeidening.
33:16
Speaker 1: With the damage to the pole, take this moment to
33:20
Speaker 1: the save.
33:23
Speaker 4: If we imagine, if we.
33:25
Speaker 1: Too felt around for far too from things good Accident.
33:38
Speaker 1: Heavyweight is hosted and produced by me Jonathan Goldstein along
33:41
Speaker 1: with Chris Neary and Khalila Holt. The senior producer is
33:45
Speaker 1: Wendy Dore, editing by Alex Bloomberg and Jorge Just special
33:49
Speaker 1: thanks to Emily Condon, Stevie Lane, Derek Hurst, Stephen Hughes,
33:53
Speaker 1: and The Good Doctor Jackie Cohen. The show is mixed
33:57
Speaker 1: by Hailey Shaw, music by Christine Fellows. Additional music credits
34:01
Speaker 1: for this episode can be found on our website Gimbletmedia
34:04
Speaker 1: dot com slash Heavyweight. Our theme song is by the
34:08
Speaker 1: Weaker Thands to See If Epitaph Records, and our ad
34:11
Speaker 1: music is by Hailey Shaw. Follow us on Twitter at
34:14
Speaker 1: Heavyweight or email us at Heavyweight at gimbletmedia dot com.
34:18
Speaker 1: We'll have a new episode next week.
34:36
Speaker 2: Well wait, I have an idea. I'm on the eighteenth hole.
34:38
Speaker 2: I will literally collapse, like literally fake heart attack type shit.
34:42
Speaker 3: Probably wouldn't work. What if we got a drone like
34:45
Speaker 3: you know those little paradrones and put a bag in it,
34:48
Speaker 3: punched a hole bag and flew the drone over.
34:51
Speaker 1: You know how they say, with brainstorming, there's no bad ideas.
34:54
Speaker 1: These are bad ideas.