Latest / Journal for Growth / Why Do I Feel Responsible for Everything? | EP 02

Transcript

Why Do I Feel Responsible for Everything? | EP 02 · Journal for Growth

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Journal for Growth.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Today, we're looking at a question you may have asked yourself more than once.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Why do I feel responsible for everything?
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: We're going to look at how responsibilities end up with us, sometimes before we've really decided they should, and why it can be so hard to step back once they do.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: As you listen, think about whether any of this feels familiar.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because feeling responsible for everything usually doesn't begin with some big decision to take everything on.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: It happens in smaller moments.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: Something needs doing, and you step in.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Someone forgets something and you remind them.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: A problem comes up, and before anyone has really decided who's going to handle it, you're already figuring out what needs to happen.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Someone else has a deadline, an appointment, a decision to make, or something they said they were going to take care of.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: And somehow part of your brain starts keeping track of it too.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: Did they remember?
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: Did they call?
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: Did they get that done?
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: What happens if they don't?
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes it isn't a task at all.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Someone is upset, disappointed, stressed, or frustrated, and you immediately start thinking about what you can say or do to make things better.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: You might smooth things over or try to solve the problem.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: You change your plans so they won't be disappointed.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: You offer to take something off their plate.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: Or they ask you to do something and you say yes, even though you didn't really want to take it on, because saying no feels harder.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: And before long, something that wasn't necessarily yours to manage has become yours.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: Not necessarily because anyone officially gave it to you, you just picked it up.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: You don't remember applying for the job, but apparently it's yours now.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: That's the part I want to look at in this episode.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Because some responsibilities really are yours.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: You've agreed to them.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: They come with your job, your family role, your circumstances, or commitments you've made.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: Someone may genuinely depend on you.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes another person isn't doing their part, so more lands on you than it should.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: All of that is real.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: But there's another kind of responsibility that can be harder to see.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's the responsibility you start carrying almost automatically.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: You notice something, and instead of asking, is this mine?
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: you move straight to, what do I need to do about it?
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're the one who remembers everything: the appointments, the deadlines, the forms, the birthdays, the things that need to be packed, bought, paid, returned, scheduled, or followed up on.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: At some point, your brain starts functioning like the shared calendar, except somehow you're the only one who can see it.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: You may be the one who notices when something is starting to go wrong and steps in before anyone else has to deal with the consequences.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: You may be the one who finishes things other people started, double check their work, remind them again, fix the mistake, make the phone call, handle the uncomfortable conversation.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the responsibility is emotional.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Someone is unhappy and you feel like you need to make them feel better.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Someone is disappointed in you, and suddenly their disappointment feels like a problem you need to solve.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Someone is angry and you start thinking about how to calm everything down.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: Someone is struggling and you feel guilty if you're not doing something about it.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: None of that automatically means you're doing something wrong.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Helping people matters.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Being dependable matters.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: Caring about what happens to the people around you matters.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: But there's a difference between choosing to help and feeling as though everything automatically becomes yours to manage.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: And after a while, that distinction can get blurry.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: You may not even notice yourself making the decision anymore.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: You just remind, fix, organize, follow up, smooth things over, say yes, keep track, step in.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: And eventually you look around and think, why am I responsible for all of this?
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Which is strange, because you may not remember agreeing to half of it.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Somewhere along the way, responsibility just started attaching itself to you.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: And even when you finally get a chance to sit down, part of you may still be keeping track.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: Did that get done?
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Do they need something?
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: Is there something I forgot?
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: Is somebody upset?
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: What's going to happen if I don't handle it?
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: You may technically be resting, but some part of you is still on duty.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: So the question for this episode isn't simply, why do I do so much?
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's why do I keep feeling responsible for things before I've even decided whether they belong to me?
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: A more useful question might be: how does something become my responsibility in the first place?
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: That can be hard to see when you're looking at everything at once.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: So let's make it smaller.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Think of one thing you keep finding yourself responsible for.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Not everything you do, just one thing.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: You may be the one who keeps reminding someone about something they need to do.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: You keep track of an appointment, deadline, payment, school form, medication, household task, or phone call that technically belongs to someone else.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: When another person drops the ball, you might be the one who steps in and finishes what they didn't do.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: Or you may find yourself checking whether something has been handled because you don't quite trust that it will happen if you leave it alone.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the responsibility isn't a task at all.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: You may feel responsible for keeping the peace.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: If two people are upset with each other, you try to smooth things over.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Someone is unhappy and you start looking for a way to make them feel better.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: If they're disappointed in a decision you've made, you may feel pressure to change it so they won't be disappointed anymore.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Or someone asks you to take something on.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: And even though you already have enough to do, you say yes.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: And once you've said yes, it really is yours to handle.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: That's another way responsibility can end up on your plate.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Choose one example that feels familiar and try to make it specific.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of, I take care of everything, which may feel completely accurate, but doesn't narrow things down very much.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: You might get more specific.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: I remind my adult son about appointments he needs to make.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe, when someone at work doesn't finish something, I usually end up doing it.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: It could be, I keep track of whether everyone in the house has what they need.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Or when someone is upset with me, I feel responsible for making things okay again.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: The more specific you can be, the easier it will be to see what's actually happening.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: If you're writing along, start with, I take responsibility for, and finish the sentence.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Then look at how you became responsible for it.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Did someone actually ask you?
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: Did you agree to it?
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Did you notice something wasn't getting done and step in?
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Have you done it for so long that everyone just assumes you'll keep doing it?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Or did you start doing it before anyone asked because you were worried about what might happen if you didn't?
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: There's no need to decide yet whether you should or shouldn't be doing it.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: We'll get to that.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: For now, just get clear about what you're taking responsibility for and how it became yours.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Keep that one example in mind as we go.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: So the next question is: why do I keep stepping in?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: And the obvious answer may be because I care.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: That may be completely true.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: You don't want someone you care about to struggle.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: You don't want something important to fall apart.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: You may know you can help.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes you really are the person who can make things easier.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: There's nothing wrong with that.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: But there may be something else happening too.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you step in, something often changes right away.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: You might remind someone about an appointment because you don't want them to forget.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: But once you've reminded them, you don't have to keep wondering, are they going to remember?
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: You might check whether something has gotten done because there could be consequences if it doesn't.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: Once you know it's handled, the worry settles down.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe someone at work hasn't finished their part, and eventually you just do it yourself.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: You think, it's easier if I just do it.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: A sentence that has probably created a surprising amount of extra work for a lot of capable people.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: And in that moment, it probably does seem easier.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: The work gets done, you don't have to wait, you don't have to wonder whether they'll follow through.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to deal with the uncertainty of what might happen if they don't.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: So one thing taking responsibility can give you is relief.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: The problem is no longer hanging there.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: You can stop thinking about it, at least for now.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: It can also give you control.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: If you organize it, track it, remind everyone, or handle it yourself, you know what's happening.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: You know it's getting done.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: And probably getting done in a way you trust.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: Leaving it with someone else is different.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: Now you have to wait.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: They might forget.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: They might do it later than you would.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: They might do it differently, possibly very differently.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: They might even make a mistake.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: And if that uncertainty is uncomfortable, taking over can feel a lot easier than watching everything unfold.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes what you're trying to manage isn't really the task.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's the worry you feel when the task is out of your hands.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: There can be approval in it too.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: You help and someone thanks you.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: You solve the problem and they're relieved.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: You step in and they appreciate it.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: That feels good.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Most of us like knowing that something we did helped someone.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes saying yes also helps you avoid a reaction you don't really want to deal with.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: Saying no might disappoint someone.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Leaving the responsibility with them may mean watching them struggle.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Not fixing the problem could lead to an awkward conversation later.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: And allowing someone to deal with the consequences of their own decision may bring up guilt, even when those consequences reasonably belong to them.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: So you step in, and what happens?
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: They're okay.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: The task gets handled, the problem settles down, the awkwardness goes away, your worry comes down, you can breathe again.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: And that matters because our behavior is often shaped by what gives us relief now, even when it creates problems later.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: If stepping in makes the discomfort disappear, even temporarily, it makes sense that you would be tempted to do it again the next time.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't mean your care isn't genuine.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: You can genuinely want to help someone and also want the worry to stop.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: You may care about the outcome while feeling more comfortable when you're the one controlling it.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: And you can want to be generous while also liking the appreciation that comes with helping.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: More than one thing can be true.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: So for the responsibility you chose, ask yourself, what does taking this on give me or help me avoid in the moment?
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it gives you relief, certainty, control, appreciation.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it helps you avoid guilt, conflict, worry, waiting, or the discomfort of watching someone else struggle, make a mistake, or do something differently than you would.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever comes up, try not to judge the answer.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: You're not trying to prove that your motives are selfish.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: You're trying to understand what makes stepping in feel easier than stepping back.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes the reason a responsibility becomes automatic is pretty simple.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: Taking it on makes something uncomfortable feel better, at least for a while.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: And that helps explain why you keep doing it.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes, the discomfort isn't only about what might happen if you don't step in.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes, it's about what not stepping in seems to say about you.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: That's a different question.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: Think again about the responsibility you chose earlier.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine that this time, you don't automatically take it on.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: You don't remind them.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: You let them handle the follow-through without checking whether it got done.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: If they make a mistake, you don't rush in and fix it before they have to deal with it.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: When someone becomes upset, you resist the urge to immediately smooth things over.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Or someone asks you to take something on, and this time you say no.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: What does that bring up?
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: Not just what might happen, but what would I think about myself if I didn't step in?
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the answer sounds like that would be selfish.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: I should be able to handle this.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: People count on me.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: I can't just let things fall apart.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: A good mother would take care of this.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: A good partner would help.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: A dependable employee would make sure it gets done.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: If I can help, I should help.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: And once one of those beliefs gets involved, the decision becomes much bigger than the task itself.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: Now you're not simply deciding, do I want to take responsibility for this?
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: You're deciding, what kind of person am I if I don't?
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: That's a much heavier question.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you've always thought of yourself as the capable one.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: You're the person who figures things out.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: The person people call when something needs to be handled.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: The person who can manage a lot.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: Being capable is a good quality.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: It also has a way of attracting assignments.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: But if being capable has become part of who you believe you're supposed to be, then leaving something for someone else to handle can feel strangely wrong.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: Not because they can't do it, but because you're the one who handles things.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're the dependable one.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: You remember, you show up, you follow through.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: People know they can count on you.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: Again, those are good qualities, but dependable can quietly turn into something else.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not allowed to let anything drop.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not allowed to need help.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: If something goes wrong and I could have prevented it, I failed.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: That's different from simply being dependable.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: You may be the fixer.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: When something goes wrong, you know what to do.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: You see the solution.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know how to make the problem go away.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: And once you know you could fix it, not fixing it may start to feel irresponsible.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: You might think, if I know how to help, how can I just stand here and let this happen?
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: You might be the peacemaker.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: You notice tension.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: You can tell when someone is upset before they even say anything.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: You've learned how to calm things down, make people comfortable, or keep everyone getting along.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: And after a while, another person's discomfort can start to feel like evidence that you haven't done what you were supposed to do.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: They're upset.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: I must have done something wrong.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: I need to make this better.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Again, the issue isn't that you care how people feel, it's what their feelings have come to mean about you.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes the belief goes deeper still.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: Being useful has become part of how you understand your value.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: When you're helping, solving, remembering, organizing, or taking care of something, you know what you contribute.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: You know why people need you.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: So the thought of stepping back can bring up a quieter question.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm not the one doing all of this, who am I?
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: Or even, will I still matter if people don't need me in the same way?
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: That can be uncomfortable to look at.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes you're not just deciding whether to do a task, you're protecting an identity.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: So go back to the responsibility you chose and ask yourself, if I didn't do this, what would I tell myself about the kind of person I am?
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: Would you call yourself selfish, lazy, unreliable, uncaring, irresponsible?
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: Would you think you had let someone down?
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: Would you feel like you weren't being the mother, partner, friend, employee, or family member you're supposed to be?
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: Would you feel less capable, less useful, less important?
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: Listen for the judgment underneath the decision.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes that judgment is what makes the responsibility feel non-negotiable.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: Then try finishing this sentence.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: I feel I have to take responsibility because I believe and see what comes after it.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: You may believe good people help whenever they can.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: Dependable people don't let things fall apart.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: Strong people shouldn't need help.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: You might believe that if you can prevent a problem, you're responsible for preventing it.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: Or that if someone is disappointed in you, you've done something wrong.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: Some of those beliefs may reflect values you genuinely want to live by.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: You may want to be dependable, generous, helpful, responsible, present for the people you love.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: The question isn't whether those qualities are good, it's whether they've quietly turned into rules you're no longer allowed to question.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because there's a difference between I choose to be someone people can count on, and I have to take responsibility for everything in order to be someone people can count on.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: There's a difference between I want to help when I can, and if I can help, I'm responsible for helping.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a difference between I care when someone is disappointed, and their disappointment means I've done something wrong.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: Those differences matter because once you can see the belief underneath the responsibility, you can begin to ask a different question.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: Does this responsibility actually belong to me?
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: Go back to the responsibility you chose earlier and start with what's real.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: Did you agree to it?
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: Is it part of a role you've accepted?
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: Is someone genuinely depending on you to handle it?
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: If you made a commitment, then yes, at least some responsibility probably belongs to you.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't necessarily mean the arrangement can never change.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: But if other people are relying on something you agreed to, changing it may require a conversation rather than simply stepping away.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: Other responsibilities are less clear.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes nobody ever really decided who would handle something.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: You just started doing it.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you noticed it wasn't getting done.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you were better at it.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: Or at some point, doing it yourself just felt easier than having to keep asking.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: And after a while, everyone, including you, started treating it as though it had always been yours.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: That happens a lot.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: So ask, did this actually become my responsibility?
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: Or did I just keep doing it until everyone expected me to?
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: Then look at who else is involved.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: What can they reasonably handle?
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: That matters.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: A young child who depends on you is different from a capable adult who simply prefers that you take care of something.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: Someone who is ill, overwhelmed, disabled, or going through a genuine crisis may need more support than they normally would.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: And even then, they may need help with part of something without needing you to own the whole thing.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: Responsibility doesn't always have to be all or nothing.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: They may need help making the appointment, but they can remember to go.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: They might need help understanding the paperwork, but they can fill it out themselves.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: Or they may need support making a decision, while the decision itself still belongs to them.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: That distinction matters.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's also worth being honest about your part.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: If you made the mistake, then yes, you probably have some responsibility for putting it right.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: If you made the promise, you have some responsibility for following through.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: But if someone else made the decision, ask yourself how much of the outcome you're trying to manage for them.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: Are you helping with your part?
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: Or have you started taking responsibility for their part too?
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: Some responsibilities really are shared.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: A household is an obvious example.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: It isn't enough to say, well, technically nobody assigned this to me if you've agreed to run a life together.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: Meals need planning, bills need paying, appointments need remembering.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: Things need cleaning, buying, scheduling, and maintaining.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: But shared responsibility should still be shared.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes the issue isn't that you need to stop doing everything, it's that an arrangement has quietly become uneven.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe one person is doing the visible task while you're doing all the remembering, planning, checking, and following up.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe somebody else's part keeps drifting back onto you.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: If that's happening, the answer may not be, this isn't my responsibility.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: It may be, this is our responsibility, but more of it has ended up with me than we agreed to.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: That's different.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: And then there are things that simply aren't your responsibility, but you may still choose to help.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: You can give someone a ride, help them solve a problem, take something off their plate for a week.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Listen when they're struggling.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: That can be generous and loving.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: But there's an important difference between I'm choosing to help with this and I'm responsible for this.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: Choice gives you room to say yes sometimes and no other times.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: Obligation can make every no feel wrong.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_00: So for the responsibility you chose, ask, does this belong to me, to them, or to both of us?
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: And then ask one more question.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: What part of this is actually mine?
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: Not what part you could handle, not what part would be easiest for you to take over, not what part you know you could do better.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: What part is actually yours?
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_00: And if you realize that some of it belongs to someone else, you don't have to decide right now what to do about that.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: For now, just notice the difference.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes that alone changes the way you see the situation.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because once you can separate what is yours from what you've taken responsibility for, another question becomes possible.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: What happens when I keep taking responsibility for more than my part?
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: At first, taking it on may seem to make things easier.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: The task gets done, the problem gets handled, you don't have to wonder whether someone else will follow through.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: But over time, taking responsibility for more than your part can affect more than the task itself.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: It can affect you, and it can affect the other person.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_00: So let's look at both.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe one of the first costs is time.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_00: And not just the time the task itself takes.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: Their responsibility becomes another thing you have to remember, manage, check, or finish.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: One reminder doesn't seem like much.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_00: One phone call isn't much.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_00: One task you take over may only take 10 minutes.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_00: But if you're doing that all day for several people, it adds up.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes the bigger cost isn't even the task itself, it's the mental space it takes up.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: You're thinking about whether it got done, whether they remembered, whether you need to follow up, whether there's something else you're going to have to handle if they don't.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: Part of your attention is always somewhere else.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_00: And eventually you can start feeling resentful.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_00: Not necessarily because you don't care.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you care very much.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: But you may begin thinking, why am I always the one who has to remember this?
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I the one fixing everything?
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: Why does nobody else seem to notice what needs to be done?
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: And that can get complicated if nobody else realizes how much you're doing, especially if you keep stepping in without saying anything.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: From their point of view, everything may seem fine.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_00: The task gets done, the appointment gets remembered, the mistake gets fixed, the problem disappears.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: From their point of view, the system is working beautifully.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_00: Of course it is.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: You're the system.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_00: They may not even see everything that happened behind the scenes.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_00: Meanwhile, you're exhausted and maybe a little angry that nobody seems to appreciate how much you're doing.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's worth noticing because sometimes we take responsibility silently and then resent people for not recognizing a responsibility they may not even realize we've taken on.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_00: And there's another side to this too.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_00: What does your involvement mean for the other person?
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: Suppose you regularly remind a capable adult about something they need to remember.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: You remind them before the appointment, then again the day before, maybe again that morning.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_00: You check whether they have what they need.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_00: And afterward, you ask whether everything got taken care of.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: You may be helping, but you may also be doing some of the remembering for them.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_00: And if you always remember first, they get fewer chances to develop their own way of keeping track.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_00: The same thing can happen when you fix someone's mistakes before they have to respond to them, or when you make decisions for them because you can see the better choice.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_00: Or when you take over a task because they aren't doing it the way you would.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: You may get a better result, at least by your standards, but they may get less opportunity to figure it out for themselves.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_00: And that can create frustration on both sides.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_00: You feel burdened because too much has become your responsibility.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_00: They may feel managed, corrected, or like nothing they do is quite right.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes they may simply become used to you handling it.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_00: Not because they're intentionally taking advantage of you, but because that's the arrangement the two of you have gradually created.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_00: So helping can have more than one effect.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_00: It can make something easier, it can prevent a problem, it can support someone who genuinely needs support.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes it can also make it less necessary for the other person to step in.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't mean the answer is always to back away.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: Capacity matters, age matters, health matters, safety matters, the consequences matter.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_00: A child learning a responsibility is different from a capable adult who can reasonably manage it.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_00: Someone in crisis may need more support than they normally would.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_00: There are times when stepping in is exactly the right thing to do.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_00: The question isn't, should I ever help?
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: Of course you should help sometimes.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_00: The question is, what is my help making possible?
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_00: And what might it be preventing?
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: So go back to the responsibility you chose.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself, what does taking responsibility for this cost me?
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_00: Time, energy, attention, rest, patience, resentment?
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_00: Something you keep putting off because this always seems more urgent?
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_00: And then ask, what effect does my involvement have on the other person?
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_00: Does it support them?
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_00: Does it genuinely meet a need?
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_00: Or does it sometimes do the remembering, deciding, fixing, or following through for them?
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_00: The answer may be mixed.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: Your help may be useful and need to change.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_00: You may not need to stop helping, maybe you need to help differently, and that may create more room for both of you.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_00: So if you've realized that you're taking responsibility for more than your part, the next question is: what would responding differently actually look like?
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it might mean leaving a responsibility with the person it belongs to.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_00: You don't remind them, you don't check, you don't step in the moment you see them struggling.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_00: You let them remember, decide, follow through, or deal with the result.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_00: That can sound simple.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_00: It often doesn't feel simple at all.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because when stepping in has become automatic, not stepping in can feel almost irresponsible.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_00: You may see exactly what needs to happen.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: You may know how to prevent the problem.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_00: You may be pretty sure they're going to forget.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_00: And every part of you may want to say, just let me handle it.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_00: And if this pattern is familiar, you may already be halfway through handling it before you remember you were trying not to.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_00: That may be the moment when the real work begins.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_00: Not when you realize the responsibility isn't yours, when you resist picking it back up.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_00: Other times, the answer isn't to leave the whole thing with someone else.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it really is shared.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_00: Then, responding differently might mean getting clearer about which part belongs to whom.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_00: You might be willing to help with the paperwork while they're responsible for remembering the deadline.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you'll handle dinner, but someone else decides what they want from the grocery store and adds it to the list.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_00: Or you help solve the problem without becoming the person who has to keep track of it afterward.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes helping less isn't really the point.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_00: The point is helping without quietly becoming responsible for the entire thing.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes the change has to happen even earlier, before the responsibility becomes yours.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_00: Someone asks, can you take care of this?
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_00: And your automatic answer is yes, because you know you can do it, or because you don't want to disappoint them.
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe explaining why you can't feels uncomfortable.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes saying yes is simply easier in that moment than sitting with somebody else's reaction to no.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_00: But once you say yes, you've taken on a real responsibility.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_00: So sometimes a different response means pausing before you agree, not immediately saying no, just not saying yes automatically.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_00: You might say, let me think about that.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_00: I need to check what I already have going on.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: I can help with part of it, but I can't take the whole thing on.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_00: Or simply, no, I can't do that this time.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_00: And then you let the answer stand.
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_00: That may bring up guilt.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_00: Someone may be disappointed.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_00: You may start thinking, it would be easier if I just did it.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe it would be easier right now.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_00: But easier right now may be exactly how the responsibility keeps ending up with you.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_00: There may also be situations where you can't simply step back because people have come to depend on what you've been doing.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_00: If you've been managing a shared responsibility for years, suddenly dropping it may create a real problem.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_00: So the change may need a conversation.
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_00: You may need to say, I've been handling this, but I can't keep being responsible for all of it.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_00: And then get specific.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_00: What will you continue doing?
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_00: What needs to belong to someone else?
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_00: Who will remember it?
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_00: Who will follow through?
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_00: What happens if something gets missed?
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes that conversation reveals another problem.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_00: The other person doesn't know how to do what you've been doing.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_00: That matters.
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_00: If you've handled something for a long time, stepping back may mean helping someone learn how to take responsibility for their part, or making a plan together, or finding additional support.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_00: Knowing that you're taking on too much doesn't magically create more help.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the resources really aren't there yet.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_00: That needs to be part of the picture too.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's something else you may have to practice.
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_00: Letting other people do things differently.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_00: If you hand something over and then stand beside them saying, Are you sure you want to do it that way?
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_00: Did you remember this?
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_00: Don't forget that.
• 32:48
  SPEAKER_00: Here, let me just You may technically have handed over the task, you haven't exactly handed over the supervision.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_00: You're still managing quite a bit of it.
• 32:58
  SPEAKER_00: If the outcome is safe and good enough, you may have to let their way be their way, even if it isn't your way.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_00: That can be uncomfortable.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_00: So can watching someone make a mistake you could have prevented.
• 33:11
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes they may experience consequences you would rather spare them from.
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't mean you stop caring.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_00: It means you start distinguishing between supporting someone and taking responsibility for their life.
• 33:24
  SPEAKER_00: Go back again to the responsibility you chose earlier.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_00: If you wanted to respond differently next time, what would that actually require from you?
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_00: It might require you to say no before you accept something.
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_00: You may need to ask someone else to take responsibility for their part.
• 33:39
  SPEAKER_00: It could mean having an uncomfortable conversation, or stopping the reminders, stopping the checking, resisting the urge to fix it.
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it means allowing someone to be disappointed without immediately trying to change how they feel.
• 33:55
  SPEAKER_00: You may need more support before any of that is realistic.
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes the hardest part is simply tolerating the urge to step back in.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_00: So finish this sentence.
• 34:07
  SPEAKER_00: Responding differently would require me to and be specific.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because seeing that a responsibility doesn't belong entirely to you is one thing.
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_00: Leaving it where it belongs, or sharing it more honestly, is another.
• 34:22
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe one of the most useful things you can begin noticing is the moment when I see this quietly turns into, I'm responsible for this.
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes that shift happens so quickly you don't even realize you've made it.
• 34:38
  SPEAKER_00: But once you start noticing it, something changes.
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_00: You get a pause, a chance to ask whether this is actually yours before you automatically take it on.
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_00: You may still decide to help.
• 34:51
  SPEAKER_00: You may still decide that some part of it belongs to you.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_00: But now you're choosing instead of simply reacting.
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_00: And that awareness can begin to change the way responsibility shows up in your life.
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_00: So before you leave this episode, think again about the one responsibility you chose.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to overhaul everything at once.
• 35:13
  SPEAKER_00: Just pay attention to the next time you feel yourself automatically stepping in.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_00: You'll probably get another chance pretty soon.
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_00: And when it happens, instead of immediately asking, what do I need to do?
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_00: Pause long enough to ask, is this actually my responsibility?
• 35:31
  SPEAKER_00: And if it isn't entirely yours, what would it look like to leave the responsibility where it belongs?
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_00: Not because you've stopped caring, not because you've become unreliable, but because caring about someone and taking responsibility for everything that happens to them are not the same thing.
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_00: Being responsible doesn't mean taking responsibility for everything.
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_00: It means becoming more intentional about what is actually yours.
• 36:00
  SPEAKER_00: If this episode brought a few things in your own life to mind, I've created a free companion booklet to help you look at them more closely, why you take responsibility for them, what keeps you doing it, and whether they actually belong to you.
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_00: You'll find the free download linked in the episode show notes.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_00: And as you go through your week, just notice when that familiar thought shows up.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_00: I need to take care of this.
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to do anything differently yet.
• 36:27
  SPEAKER_00: Just notice when it happens and whether the responsibility was actually yours before you stepped in.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for spending this time with me today.
• 36:36
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.