Latest / Have A Little Faith with Delilah / Owning Your Behavior Through Faith

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Owning Your Behavior Through Faith · Have A Little Faith with Delilah

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Hello, my friend. Hello, hello. Come on in and make
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: yourself at home. I'm sitting here with a cup of
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: Bigelow tea, a hot herbal tea because I'm getting a
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: little bit of a scratchy throat. I want to welcome
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: you to Have a Little Faith with Delilah. There has
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: never been a more important time than today, than this
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: precious present to grow your faith. All the things going
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: on in the world, all the things with gas prices,
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: all the things with oil prices and the shipping industry
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Now is
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  Speaker 1: the time to make sure your faith is rock solid.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: To make sure your faith that every brick is in
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: place in the foundation of who you are. To make
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: sure your faith is foundationally strong. In today's episode of
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: Have a Little Faith, we're gonna be talking about something
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: that can be a little uncomfortable to talk about, but
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: once you wrap your head around it and once you
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: embrace it, it sets you free. And that is the art,
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: the habit, the discipline, the discipline, that's the best word,
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: of examining and owning your own behavior. Not judging yourself,
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  Speaker 1: not beating yourself up, not keeping score of everything you've
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: done right or done wrong and trying to figure out
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: are you on the plus side or the negative side. No,
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: this is about learning how to pause, how to look inward,
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: how to listen to people when they are coming at
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  Speaker 1: you with a complaint, with a charge against you saying
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: you did this, this hurt, you did that, that hurt,
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  Speaker 1: how you respond to that and asking yourself honestly, What
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: part did I play in this? What bad choices might
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: I have made? How could I have made better choices?
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: Self-introspection isn't about finding reasons to beat yourself up, to
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: feel guilty. It's about becoming aware and accountable. I tell
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: my kids all the time, the first sign of maturity
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: is accountability. When they throw somebody else under the bus,
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: when they can't own their behavior, when they're ready to
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: throw their brother or whoever under the bus, I'm like, okay,
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: you got more lessons to learn. Clearly, you are not
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: behaving in a mature fashion because you are not being accountable.
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: You're being a tattletale. Sometimes the hardest part of growth
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: is realizing that that our actions sometimes don't match up
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: with our intentions. Ooh, is that the truth for me?
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  Speaker 1: I might have great intentions, but then somehow greed, pride, ooh,
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: those things crop up, and all of a sudden my
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: actions are not lining up with my intentions. And that
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: brings us to the difference between saying we're sorry and
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: actually being sorry. two very different things. An apology is
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: a beginning point. It's a starting point, but real accountability
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: shows up in what happens next. You can say you're sorry,
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: but if your behavior doesn't change, you're not really sorry.
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: If you say to somebody, I'm sorry I hurt you,
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry I betrayed you, I'm sorry I wronged you,
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  Speaker 1: I'm sorry I was dishonest with you, but you don't
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: change your lies, your lying behavior, or your using your
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: abusive behavior, then you are not really sorry at all.
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: We need to learn to set boundaries and we need
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  Speaker 1: to learn to respect other people's boundaries. We need to
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  Speaker 1: learn to break bad patterns. Sometimes the most meaningful apology
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: isn't another explanation or another promise. It's not words. It's
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: simply doing the right thing, changing the path that we're on. Today,
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  Speaker 1: we are going to explore what it really means to
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: take ownership, not from a place of judgment. but from
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  Speaker 1: an honest place of curiosity and growth because saying I'm sorry,
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: that matters sometimes, but mostly showing you're sorry by changing
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: your behavior, by owning your behavior is what really, really matters.
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: I have one call to share in this podcast today
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  Speaker 1: and it's from Alan. Alan is about to help me
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: convey a very important message. Being honest with self, self-introspection
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: is the most essential and important realization of all. Alan's
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: call and his willingness to listen touched me deeply. Let's
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: hear from him now. Alan, welcome to Have a Little
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: Faith with Delilah. What can I do for you tonight?
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: So recently I lost my wife's trust. And I've been
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: trying to earn a fab.
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: Lost your wife's trust or violated your wife's trust? There's
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: a big difference.
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  Speaker 2: Probably violated because I was texting another girl. I realized
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: I made the mistake, but it was too late.
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  Speaker 1: Alan, how old are you? You don't sound old enough
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  Speaker 1: to be married.
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  Speaker 2: I'm 35.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, so that's not a mistake, honey. That's an on purpose.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly.
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  Speaker 1: A mistake is when you drive down a one-way street
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  Speaker 1: the wrong direction, not knowing it's a one-way street and
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  Speaker 1: you're going the wrong direction. Texting a female who is
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  Speaker 1: not your wife and hiding that information, that's not an accident.
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  Speaker 1: That's not a mistake. That's a non-purpose.
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  Speaker 2: But now I've been trying to earn her trust back.
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  Speaker 1: Well, the reason I say it that way is because
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  Speaker 1: if you truly want to earn her trust back, you
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  Speaker 1: truly need to own your behavior. And not minimize it
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  Speaker 1: by saying, I made a mistake. Do you see what
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  Speaker 1: I'm saying? Yeah. And I'm not judging you because I've
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  Speaker 1: made really bad choices in my life. But when I
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  Speaker 1: let myself off the hook by saying I made a mistake,
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  Speaker 1: instead of I did something so wrong that violated the
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: integrity of our relationship, And there is no way to
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: say I'm sorry. There is no way to prove that
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  Speaker 1: I won't do it again. But I am truly sorry
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  Speaker 1: that I wounded you. I'm sorry I did that. I'm
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  Speaker 1: sorry I overstepped that line. I'm sorry.
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: I have been working on regaining her trust.
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  Speaker 1: Well, like I said, calling it a mistake is not
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: going to earn her trust back. Have you met this person?
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: Did you meet her or was it just a flirty
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  Speaker 1: texty thing?
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  Speaker 2: I worked with her and I left that job and
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  Speaker 2: I never actually got a proper goodbye for her.
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  Speaker 1: What is a proper goodbye for a coworker? You say bye.
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  Speaker 2: We were very close. Like she was my best friend
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  Speaker 2: and I didn't get to say goodbye properly. And I
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  Speaker 2: was going to, but I'd never did. That's what I
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  Speaker 2: wanted to do. But if my texting didn't turn out
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  Speaker 2: that way and it, wasn't the proper way to text
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  Speaker 2: her to say, I want to just say goodbye.
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  Speaker 1: So how many texts went back and forth in this
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: saying goodbye?
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: A few.
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  Speaker 1: Okay. So again, I'm not hearing any, any owning of
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: the behavior. I'm hearing explaining of the behavior.
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Do you want to gain your wife's trust back and
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: rebuild your relationship? Yes or no? Yeah. You got to
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: cut the nonsense. You are lying to yourself. You are
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: lying to yourself. You are lying to her. You are
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: lying to me. And I don't even think you know
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  Speaker 1: that you're lying. But saying I didn't get a proper
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: goodbye instead of I had a crush on this girl
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  Speaker 1: and I was infatuated with her and I overstepped the boundaries.
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  Speaker 1: Why not just own it? It sounds ridiculous to try
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  Speaker 1: to explain that. It sounds much grown up and more
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  Speaker 1: mature to just own it. There is no sin in
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  Speaker 1: having a crush on somebody. We all have attractions to people.
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  Speaker 1: The problem comes when you act out on that attraction.
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  Speaker 1: Can you just own it and say, I am wrong.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: I am not going to make excuses for myself, but
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  Speaker 1: what I did hurt you and it was wrong of me.
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  Speaker 1: And I'm not going to sit here and explain it
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  Speaker 1: away by, I didn't have a proper goodbye. Come on.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: What woman wants to hear that nonsense?
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  Speaker 2: No woman does.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: No.
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  Speaker 2: I shouldn't even have texted that my coworker after I left.
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: No, you shouldn't have. But you did. Yeah. And you
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: continued to text her and communicate with her. But to
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  Speaker 1: repair the damage means to own the truth. And the
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  Speaker 1: truth is not I made a mistake or I needed
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  Speaker 1: a proper goodbye. The truth is you had a crush
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  Speaker 1: on her and you reached out and you continued reaching
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  Speaker 1: out even though it wasn't appropriate. Just own it.
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  Speaker 2: I will. I want my wife to stay with me
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  Speaker 2: because we have two beautiful little girls and I don't
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  Speaker 2: want to lose. any of them.
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  Speaker 1: Wrong answer again. You don't say, I want my wife
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: to stay with me because we have two kids. Son,
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  Speaker 1: if you want your wife to stay with you, you say,
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  Speaker 1: I want you to forgive me because I love you.
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  Speaker 1: I love you. I cherish you. You're precious. You are beautiful.
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  Speaker 1: You mean the world to me. And I am sorry
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  Speaker 1: that I cheapened our relationship by communicating with somebody else.
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  Speaker 1: Please forgive me. I need you by my side because
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  Speaker 1: you are my heart.
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  Speaker 2: She is probably the greatest woman I know. She's an
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  Speaker 2: amazing woman.
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  Speaker 1: Then focus on that, not on the fact that... I mean,
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  Speaker 1: it's great that you want to keep your family together,
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  Speaker 1: but that is not the reason for her to stay.
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  Speaker 1: The only reason she should stay is if you are
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  Speaker 1: truly repentant and willing to do the repair work and
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  Speaker 1: figure out why you made that choice.
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: I'm going to take your advice and learn from what
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  Speaker 2: I've done to improve my relationship so it all works
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  Speaker 2: out in the best and we... live a happy life.
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  Speaker 2: And I can call you in 10 years and get
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: your special anniversary song.
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  Speaker 1: I really hope you do that. I can tell you
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  Speaker 1: have a tender sweetheart. And I am not in any
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  Speaker 1: way judging you because, like I said, I have made
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: far worse decisions. I'm not going to call them mistakes
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  Speaker 1: because I did them on purpose. Far worse. Yeah. And
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  Speaker 1: all I can do is ask God to forgive me
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: and the people that I've wounded to forgive me. And...
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  Speaker 1: That's all I can do. But don't minimize her pain
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  Speaker 1: by justifying or explaining your behavior because that's not going
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  Speaker 1: to help her heal. Owning your behavior, calling it what
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  Speaker 1: it really is, and making amends for it, that is
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  Speaker 1: what will help her heal.
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: All right. Good luck.
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: Thank you, Delilah.
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  Speaker 1: God bless you. Before we wrap up, I want to
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: thank Alan for being willing to consider just how important
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: this message really is. For me, owning my behavior starts
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: with letting go of judgment of myself, of other people.
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: Can I be honest with you? I can't be honest.
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: I lie to myself all the time. Just today, I
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: lied to myself. I said, it's not going to matter
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: if I eat just one or two potato chips. Knowing
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: full well if I open the bag, I'm going to
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: eat the whole bag or half of it anyway. I
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: lie to myself. I know that I have health issues
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: and I should not be eating potato chips, but I
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: lie to myself. That's a little way I lie. I
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: pretend everything is okay when it's not. It means being
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: willing to look honestly at what you're doing, how you're
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: showing up. It means being able to look honestly at
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: how your choices impact others. Real change begins when you
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: can say, this is mine. This is my behavior. I
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: did this. I'm going to take responsibility for it. And
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: I'm going to choose differently when I move forward. Moving forward,
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: I'm going to make a different choice. That is what
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: owning our behavior looks like. Staying curious instead of being critical.
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: Taking responsibility instead of making excuses. And remembering that we
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: can hold ourselves accountable without condemning ourselves. So, Alan, thank
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: you for being open to considering this message. And thank
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: you to everyone listening for taking a moment to reflect
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: on what it might truly mean to own your own behavior.
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: I will be back next week to kick off the
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: change of seasons with you, the new autumn season. Get
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: ready to celebrate all things autumn and especially all things
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: about gratitude. We'll be talking about gratitude for the next
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: several weeks. You're listening to Delilah.