Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #885 Christmas Conundrums: Dodgy and/or Disappointing Gifts

Transcript

#885 Christmas Conundrums: Dodgy and/or Disappointing Gifts · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the time,
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Speaker 1: poor parent who just answers Now. So today we're going
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Speaker 1: to answer a question because Christmas is less than fifty
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Speaker 1: days away. This one came through from Mim. I actually
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Speaker 1: I answer this question last week in the Happy Family's
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Speaker 1: Premium Members Q and A. If you're a Happy Family's member,
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Speaker 1: we do a monthly Q and A, and I love
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Speaker 1: answering questions. This was one that grabbed my attention and
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Speaker 1: I just thought, oh, such a good question. We've got
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Speaker 1: to talk about it. And not only does it make
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Speaker 1: it to the premium Q and A, it's also made
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Speaker 1: into the podcast because it really, really, it just grabs me.
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Speaker 1: Christmas is just around the corner, and I reckon every
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Speaker 1: parent has had this experience and wondered what am I
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Speaker 1: supposed to do? Should kids be allowed asks Mim to
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Speaker 1: feel disappointed when given something they don't like as a
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Speaker 1: gift or is that just playing in gratitude?
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Speaker 2: Well, I'm going to ask you, uh huh, I really
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Speaker 2: want to know what did you say to everybody the
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Speaker 2: other night.
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Speaker 1: Oh, I'm going to tell you that in a second.
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Speaker 1: But just as you said you wanted to ask me.
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Speaker 1: I had a horrible feeling you were going to ask
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Speaker 1: me about bad gift giving or something, and you reminded
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Speaker 1: me of a story that I'm probably pretty ashamed to share,
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Speaker 1: but I'm going to anyway. So when I was about
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Speaker 1: fourteen years old, maybe even younger, maybe I was twelve
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Speaker 1: or thirteen, but I was doing some swimming squad sort
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Speaker 1: of stuff and my mum had this beautiful yellow Cassio
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Speaker 1: sports watch that had a lap timer and it could
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Speaker 1: do up to fifty laps on the lap timer. I mean,
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Speaker 1: back in those days, that was incredible memory capacity. And
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Speaker 1: for whatever reason, I somehow sort of semi borrowed it
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Speaker 1: off Mum and then I kind of semi owned it
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Speaker 1: for about six months. And at Christmas, I'd been saving
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Speaker 1: for a while, and I saved up and I bought
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Speaker 1: a watch for myself. So when Mum opened her Christmas
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Speaker 1: present under the tree on that Christmas Day, she received
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Speaker 1: her watch back.
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Speaker 2: I honestly I gave her what told me this story.
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Speaker 2: And I can't fathom where your brain was and how
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Speaker 2: you ever thought that your mum was going to be
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Speaker 2: grateful for that gift.
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Speaker 1: Well, teenage boys and empathy don't really go hand in
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Speaker 1: hand that well. But let's just paraphrase MIM's question for
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Speaker 1: a minute. Should mums be allowed to feel disappointed when
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Speaker 1: something they don't like? Or is that just playning gratitude?
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Speaker 1: And even now I'm still looking to go, I think
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Speaker 1: Mum was being a bit ungrateful. I mean, I gave
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Speaker 1: her her watch back. Sure you racked it came back
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Speaker 1: and wraps. I had thought of her for months every
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Speaker 1: time I clicked that lap time a button on that
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Speaker 1: yellow Cassio watch, I thought, Mom, I'm going to give
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Speaker 1: this back to you, and you're going to be so happy,
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Speaker 1: Because she hassled me for it all the time. I
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Speaker 1: didn't think to give her the new watch. No, no, no, no,
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Speaker 1: definitely not a safe up for a long time for
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Speaker 1: that watch. I can't believe thought it. It's so funny
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Speaker 1: because obviously now I can look back and think, what
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Speaker 1: was like that? That was not an appropriate thing for
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Speaker 1: me to do. And yet there's part of me because
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Speaker 1: I went through that experience. I have so much empathy
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Speaker 1: now for that twelve three and year old kid who
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Speaker 1: really truly believed that he was doing a nice thing
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Speaker 1: by giving Mum her watch back for Christmas.
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Speaker 2: About thirteen year old just asked me the other day
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Speaker 2: what I wanted for Christmas? Right, we'd been having a
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Speaker 2: pretty rocky day, and I mentioned that all I wanted
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Speaker 2: was a thirteen year old who just did what she
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Speaker 2: was asked, that's all.
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Speaker 1: It was hard. You're not going to get that, You're
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Speaker 1: going to be disappointed.
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Speaker 2: Well, we talked about it in the car the next
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Speaker 2: day and she said, Mum, I really want to know
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Speaker 2: what you want for Christmas. I said, well, we had
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Speaker 2: that conversation. It's not going to cost you anything. And
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Speaker 2: she looked at me and she said, that's really not
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Speaker 2: fair because I can't be that all the time. Yeah.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's an unfair expectation. Prepare for disappointment. All right,
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Speaker 1: let's answer MEM's question. Then, Should kids be allowed to
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Speaker 1: feel disappointed or is that just playing ingratitude? What I
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Speaker 1: said was I think that you can actually be disappointed
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Speaker 1: and you can be grateful. We've got to teach our
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Speaker 1: children the nuance around this, and that is you might
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Speaker 1: not like what you received. But let's just pause for
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Speaker 1: a moment, take some perspective, which is really hard for
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Speaker 1: kids and men. Was talking about a five year old
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Speaker 1: here as well. I mean kids under five, they're not
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Speaker 1: going to regulate very well. They are kind of going
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Speaker 1: to tell you what they think. You've just got to
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Speaker 1: accept that. It could get a little bit rocky here
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Speaker 1: with younger kids. But once they get to five, six,
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Speaker 1: seven and above, we want to teach them to be
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Speaker 1: grateful that the person thought enough of them to buy
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Speaker 1: them a gift and when the time and effort to
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Speaker 1: work out what they thought would work well even though
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Speaker 1: it hasn't. And therefore, while they may be disappointed, they
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Speaker 1: can still express gratitude. Now we're not telling them to lie,
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Speaker 1: but we are letting them know that this person did
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Speaker 1: think about them, does love them, and even if they
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Speaker 1: got the gift wrong. Like there's always a dodgy gift
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Speaker 1: buyer in every family when they get are you that dodgy? Yeah? No, No,
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Speaker 1: I do good gifts. I just am a late gift giver.
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Speaker 1: In fact, that's.
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Speaker 2: Because I make you feel so guilty because you didn't
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Speaker 2: get me anything. I think that's where you're coming from, is.
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Speaker 1: That you let's just sea secret Mims question here.
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Speaker 2: All right, let's get a bit serious. Go back to
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Speaker 2: what you're saying, that idea that they can feel disappointed
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Speaker 2: and feel grateful. The overarching theme there is the acknowledgment
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Speaker 2: that we can actually feel too opposing emotions in the
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Speaker 2: same moment.
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Speaker 1: And they can both be true.
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Speaker 2: That's right, And so we can have that conversation with
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Speaker 2: our kids repeatedly because they are going to have those experiences.
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Speaker 2: They're going to feel so excited about the school excursion
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Speaker 2: that they're going on tomorrow and have anxiety about what
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Speaker 2: that looks like.
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Speaker 1: And who's going to sit next to on the bus.
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Speaker 2: Or so we can have that conversation on a regular basis,
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Speaker 2: and so coming up to Christmas time, it's not a
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Speaker 2: new conversation, it's the same conversation. You know, we can
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Speaker 2: talk to them about perspective. What would it feel like
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Speaker 2: if Nat and Pop didn't actually give you a gift?
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Speaker 2: Would you prefer that over getting a gift that you
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Speaker 2: didn't want. There's lots of different conversations we can have,
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Speaker 2: but I think probably the most important thing to remember
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Speaker 2: is that when our kids' emotions are big and it's
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Speaker 2: happening in the moment, we're probably not going to have
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Speaker 2: a teacher all moment with them.
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Speaker 1: Then that's right. The conversation needs to happen before you
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Speaker 1: get to the Christmas function, or before Nan and Pop
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Speaker 1: arrive at our house, or rdie or uncle, whoever it
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Speaker 1: is that where this incident may occur. We want to
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Speaker 1: forewarned is forearmed, and the conversation is very much about
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Speaker 1: how do we navigate kid, things not working out quite
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Speaker 1: the way you want them to. How do we help
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Speaker 1: you to be both grateful and to cover that disappointment
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Speaker 1: until the appropriate time when you can share it with us,
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Speaker 1: rather than putting it into your grandparents' face. Now there
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Speaker 1: is another element to the email that came through from them.
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Speaker 1: She also said what would you do if a grandparent
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Speaker 1: got angry at your five year old for feeling disappointed
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Speaker 1: with something that they were given and said things like, well,
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Speaker 1: I guess I probably shouldn't give you Christmas presents in
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Speaker 1: future in case you don't like them or give it
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Speaker 1: back to me then and I'll throw it away in
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Speaker 1: response to a child's disappoin Now, this is meeting, and
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Speaker 1: I'm going to I'm just going to call this out
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Speaker 1: straight up. I know you're itching to jump in, but
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Speaker 1: I'm going to call this out straight up. That's immaturity
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Speaker 1: on the part of the grandparents. They need to know better.
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Speaker 2: This is emotional regulation on their end, And my first
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Speaker 2: priority is actually to my child, ye not to them.
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Speaker 2: So for me, I would actually be removing my child
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Speaker 2: from that situation and spending some time with them, helping
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Speaker 2: them to feel safe, secure, regulated, have the conversations that
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Speaker 2: need to be had. But then at some point I
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Speaker 2: would actually be talking to my parents, or you'd be
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Speaker 2: talking to your parents and just acknowledging five year old
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Speaker 2: and it's I know, it's disappointing when you've put time
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Speaker 2: and energy and effort into buying a gift for them, and.
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Speaker 1: I appreciate that you did it, yea, even if my
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Speaker 1: five year old isn't quite there.
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Speaker 2: That they're only five and they're learning and they are
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Speaker 2: going to get better at this.
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Speaker 1: I don't know if you could actually get away with
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Speaker 1: saying this, Kylie, but I'm really tempted to find a
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Speaker 1: gentle way to say, hey, I know that they're not
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Speaker 1: expressing gratitud they don't seem very grateful for what they got,
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Speaker 1: They don't love it. Is there anything that makes you
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Speaker 1: think that trying to make them feel guilty about this
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Speaker 1: is going to increase their gratitude.
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Speaker 2: Well, what would you prefer? Would you like them to
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Speaker 2: lie to you and tell you that.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, you want to do this sensitively. You don't
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Speaker 1: want to sort of throw this at your parents, say well,
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Speaker 1: what do you want me to just tell them to
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Speaker 1: lie to you. That's going to go in a really
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Speaker 1: bad way. But out of the moment, when everyone's calm,
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Speaker 1: you might say, hey, I want to chat with you
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Speaker 1: about that thing that happened with the kids. Are you
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Speaker 1: open to a gentle discussion about it. They may say yes,
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Speaker 1: they may say no, we need to respect where they're
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Speaker 1: up to and go from there. Is there anything else
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Speaker 1: that you'd add to this?
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Speaker 2: I think the acknowledgment is that everybody is in a
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Speaker 2: different space and Christmas can be stressful, and we have
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Speaker 2: to recognize we only can control us, we can't control them.
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Speaker 2: And if we know that this is a regular occurrence
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Speaker 2: in our home, then maybe we might change the parameters.
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Speaker 2: A great thing to do if grandparents often get it
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Speaker 2: wrong at Christmas time is just suggests that the kids
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Speaker 2: would really appreciate a little bit of money going into
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Speaker 2: their savings account. Yes, the kids are saving up for
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Speaker 2: a gift. Do you think that you might contribute.
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Speaker 1: Towards it, or here's a list of things that we
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Speaker 1: know that they will be grateful for.
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Speaker 2: Free arming the grandparents the grandparents to be really helpful,
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Speaker 2: because you know what, when you think about grandparents, often
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Speaker 2: there's more than one or two children they're dealing with.
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Speaker 2: They're trying to navigate a massive list of kids. I
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Speaker 2: know in your grand when I got married to you,
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Speaker 2: your grandparents already had lots of grandchildren, and then they
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Speaker 2: added me to the equation. And we used to get
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Speaker 2: so excited we were married, and every year your nan
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Speaker 2: would send us a ten dollar note in our card
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Speaker 2: for our birthdays. It was ten dollars. It meant nothing
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Speaker 2: in the scheme of things.
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Speaker 1: Materially it didn't, but it.
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Speaker 2: Meant so much to you and I that your nan
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Speaker 2: at eighty five years of age, eighty seven years of age,
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Speaker 2: eighty eight years of age.
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Speaker 1: They'll want to give us pause out of a pension.
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Speaker 2: It meant a lot, it really did.
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Speaker 1: And just to sort of spin that full circle to
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Speaker 1: where we're up to now, like I think my parents
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Speaker 1: and your parents have both got something like what eighteen
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Speaker 1: or twenty grandkids.
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Speaker 2: Each and a couple of great grandkids.
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Speaker 1: And then there's all the inlaws and all that sort
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Speaker 1: of stuff, Like it's kind of crazy what grandparents, some
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Speaker 1: grandparents have to go through to pull this together. So again,
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Speaker 1: just working on this as a gentle conversation with the
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Speaker 1: kids is probably all that we need to do, mim.
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Speaker 1: I hope we've answered your question. I hope that that
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Speaker 1: resolves some of your Christmas conundrums. I reckon we should
10:35
Speaker 1: do a few more of these over the next few weeks,
10:36
Speaker 1: just these Christmas dilemmas that drive everyone bonkers. Let us
10:40
Speaker 1: know if you've got one for us, send it through
10:41
Speaker 1: podcasts with an ass podcasts at Happy families dot com
10:44
Speaker 1: dot au. We'll see if we can make Christmas peaceful
10:47
Speaker 1: this season at your house. The Happy Family's podcast is
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