Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Stop Letting Your Ego Ruin Your Parenting [with Dr Shefali Tsabary]

Transcript

Stop Letting Your Ego Ruin Your Parenting [with Dr Shefali Tsabary] · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: I got to tell you, I'm getting a little thrill
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: to welcome back to super Soul world renowned clinical psychologist,
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: parenting expert, New York Times bestselling author, doctor Shafari.
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. What if the
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: key to raising emotionally healthy children is not about perfecting
• 0:24
  Speaker 2: our parenting techniques, but rather, it's about transforming ourselves First,
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: Doctor Shafari Sabari has revolutionized how millions of parents around
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: the world think about raising children. Doctor Safari Sabari is
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: a clinical psychologist, best selling author, and one of Oprah's
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: super sole one hundred teachers. Doctor Sfari brings together Eastern
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: mindfulness and Western psychology to help parents break free from
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: reactive patterns and create conscious, connected relationships with their kids.
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: And she's heading to a Australia again in the next
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: few weeks to speak directly with parents. Today, we're diving
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: into her powerful approach to conscious parenting, what it really means,
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: why it works, how it can transform your family. Stay
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: with us, Doctor Shafari. Next, Gooday, Welcome to the Happy
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: Families Podcast, where you get real parenting solutions every single day.
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: The Happy Families Podcast is Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast.
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: So glad you've joined me today for a really special guest,
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: doctor Shafari Sabari, who's coming to Australia. We'll put all
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: the details in the show notes, but let me quickly
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: fill you in March eleven and March twelve. Melbourne March
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: eleven you can catch doctor Safari and Sydney March twelve.
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: All the details are at her website events dot doctor
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: Schefari dot com, slash Australia. Like I said, I'll put
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: the details in the show notes. Doctor Shafari is one
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: of my favorite people to chat to and we've been
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: having far too long the conversation off air about everything
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: parenting and everything writing and doctor Shafari's upc coming visit. Sheffarli,
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: thanks for joining me on the pod.
• 2:03
  Speaker 3: Thank you for having me so excited.
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: That you're coming to Australia. I wanted to start off
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: a little bit differently today with a lightning round because
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: you're this conscious parent, You're this guru of mingling the
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: Eastern philosophies with Western psychology. Everyone always feels enlightened and
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: elevated when they're around you. And yet, as I've gotten
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: to know you a little bit. I've gotten to know
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: your humanity, your human nurse, i should say, and it's
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: just indeared me to you even more. Like seeing you
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: as a person rather than as this guru on the
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: TV just makes you so much more fun to be around.
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: So I want to start with a lightning round where
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: people can get to know you just a little bit more.
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: A couple of personal questions without notice. I'm just going
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: to fire them at you. Hit me with your answers
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: as briefly as you can. Are you feeling okay about this?
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: You're looking nervous.
• 2:51
  Speaker 3: No, I'm ready for you.
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: Just what's one parenting rule that you broke with your
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: own daughter that you're kind of glad you actually broke.
• 2:58
  Speaker 3: Wow? Well, you know, for the longest time I lived
• 3:03
  Speaker 3: by this rule that I couldn't show my weakness. I
• 3:07
  Speaker 3: couldn't show my vulnerability because I needed to be strong
• 3:10
  Speaker 3: for her and I never wanted her to take care
• 3:14
  Speaker 3: of me.
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: You know.
• 3:15
  Speaker 3: I teach parents, you know, take care of yourself, heal yourself.
• 3:18
  Speaker 3: Don't let your daughter or your son become your therapist
• 3:21
  Speaker 3: or your best friend or you know, they are not
• 3:23
  Speaker 3: here for that. And then very recently My daughter is
• 3:27
  Speaker 3: now almost twenty three. I literally like, let that fly
• 3:31
  Speaker 3: out the window, and I broke down and I kind
• 3:35
  Speaker 3: of vented to her about something personal in my life,
• 3:38
  Speaker 3: and I told her to kind of like what kind
• 3:41
  Speaker 3: of advice will you give me? And I did it
• 3:43
  Speaker 3: kind of in a desperate way, which is so against
• 3:47
  Speaker 3: my ethos, and in a weird way, it kind of
• 3:51
  Speaker 3: humanized me to her and made her kind of feel
• 3:54
  Speaker 3: like she gets to be doctor Maya and you know,
• 3:58
  Speaker 3: help me in a real way. It kind of worked. Now.
• 4:02
  Speaker 3: I wouldn't do it again if she was younger, even
• 4:06
  Speaker 3: seeing how well it worked. I think there's a time
• 4:08
  Speaker 3: and place, and I am shocked how much it worked.
• 4:12
  Speaker 3: But I don't want to advocate other people doing this.
• 4:15
  Speaker 3: I think there's a time and space. But it really
• 4:17
  Speaker 3: worked for me.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I love that. If you could uninvent one piece
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: of advice that's done the most damage, what would it be.
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  Speaker 3: I think people misunderstand this whole kind of validate your children, yes,
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  Speaker 3: and then we overdo it and now we've created fragility.
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  Speaker 3: And I want to scream when people do that, because
• 4:41
  Speaker 3: and they mistake conscious parenting, which I'm known for to
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  Speaker 3: be this kind of overly validating, overly gentle kind of approach.
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  Speaker 3: But they've messed it all up in their heads and
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  Speaker 3: they've confused it to mean over permissiveness, and we overvalidate
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  Speaker 3: to the point of condoning bad behavior, yeah.
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: Or just letting it slide and sitting in there and saying,
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  Speaker 2: I've got to be my child's therapist. I've got to
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: sit down and do all this emotion work with them,
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: and sometimes they don't need that right.
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  Speaker 3: Right, or becoming endlessly apathetic and not speaking up for
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  Speaker 3: negative behavior. You know, there's a difference between the behavior
• 5:21
  Speaker 3: and the person, and I think we fuse them together
• 5:25
  Speaker 3: and we end up, you know, because we want to
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  Speaker 3: validate the human being, we end up validating the negative
• 5:31
  Speaker 3: behavior and actually perpetuating the same.
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: I feel like there's been a backlash as well to
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: that quite damaging advice or that misunderstanding of the advice
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: around validation, and we're hearing about it all the time now.
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: The FAFA style of parenting that seems to have exploded
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: recently f around and find out right where parents are saying, well,
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  Speaker 2: I'm not going to be gentle with you, You're just going
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: to do the wrong thing. And you're going to copy
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: it right.
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  Speaker 3: So now we're going to the other extreme, back to
• 5:58
  Speaker 3: the traditional run and find out. I'm now sure you
• 6:00
  Speaker 3: who's the boss, and I'll put you in your place.
• 6:03
  Speaker 3: So I think parents are just what this speaks to
• 6:06
  Speaker 3: the spendulum oscillation speaks to me, in my opinion, the
• 6:10
  Speaker 3: inability to attune to the child's essence and behavior in
• 6:16
  Speaker 3: the proportion that is needed right here, right now. So
• 6:19
  Speaker 3: we rely on either apathy and over permissiveness, or we
• 6:23
  Speaker 3: swing the other way and scream and yell and punish.
• 6:25
  Speaker 3: But what you and I teach is really something very
• 6:28
  Speaker 3: attuned and delicate and be conscious in the moment, which
• 6:32
  Speaker 3: is the hardest thing to do, and that's why parents
• 6:35
  Speaker 3: are all over the mat.
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah, what's a guilty pleasure that you have that would
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: surprise people who know you as this mindful, conscious parenting guru.
• 6:48
  Speaker 3: Oh my goodness.
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  Speaker 1: You know.
• 6:49
  Speaker 3: I think my books are so poetic, and when I'm writing,
• 6:53
  Speaker 3: I truly enter some flow stage of some poet, and
• 6:56
  Speaker 3: I do write poetry. I write beautifully and eloquently, and
• 7:00
  Speaker 3: then when they come to hear me, the shock that
• 7:03
  Speaker 3: I can cuss and swear like a sailor and oh
• 7:06
  Speaker 3: my goodness, you should see people's devastation. They're like, oh
• 7:10
  Speaker 3: my god, I put you on this pedestal and you
• 7:12
  Speaker 3: are just so regular, and I feel so bad. But
• 7:17
  Speaker 3: sometimes I can swear, and I'm entering a new phase
• 7:22
  Speaker 3: where I'm trying to swear.
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: Less, even more enlightened.
• 7:26
  Speaker 3: YEA to Australia. They may get the more enlightened guru
• 7:31
  Speaker 3: version of me and not my sailor cussing version.
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm pretty sure that a lot of Australia lacks
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: are pretty good swear complete this sentence. I know I'm
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: supposed to be above this, but I still judge parents
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: who Oh.
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  Speaker 3: I'm judging people all the time. I should be about judging,
• 7:48
  Speaker 3: but I think I judge parents who give in to
• 7:52
  Speaker 3: their kids, you know, social media, and who are on
• 7:56
  Speaker 3: social media a lot when they're parenting. So if I'm
• 8:00
  Speaker 3: into a park or at the airport and they see
• 8:02
  Speaker 3: parents with young kids and they are on social media,
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  Speaker 3: even though I need you on social media, but because
• 8:08
  Speaker 3: they have young kids, oh my goodness, I really judge
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  Speaker 3: parents who are who are on their screens when their
• 8:14
  Speaker 3: kids are young, even though I understand it and I
• 8:17
  Speaker 3: would probably do it too, but I have a real
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  Speaker 3: judgment there, and I know I need to work on
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  Speaker 3: that because parenting is so difficult.
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it is, So let's talk about parenting. Like I said,
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: you're coming out here to talk about a number of
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: these things. I want to talk about the conscious parenting
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: work that you've been doing for so long now my
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: understanding of it, and I've been through quite a lot
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: of your work now. Conscious parenting means that we've got
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: to do our own inner work and become aware of
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: our own patterns. So there's a lot of self awareness
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: going on here. But a lot of parents are really
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: stretched thin. They're working, they're managing households, they're dealing with
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: their own unprocessed challenges from earlier in their lives, and
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: they're also dealing with the carnage and chaos of raising
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: their own families. How do you respond to parents who say,
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: I barely have time to have a shower, let alone
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: sit down and meditate on my childhood wounds and do
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: the self healing in the inner work that I'm supposed
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  Speaker 2: to do so that I can be a good parent. Like,
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: what's the minimum viable threshold of self awareness that can
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: still make a real difference.
• 9:16
  Speaker 3: Just entering the present moment, you know, bringing the attention
• 9:20
  Speaker 3: to the present moment can change everything. Most of us
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  Speaker 3: are so busy, but most of our busyness comes from
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  Speaker 3: a chaotic mind, a mind that is so distracted and
• 9:32
  Speaker 3: so overstimulated and overscheduled that it's constantly either regretting the
• 9:36
  Speaker 3: past or living in the past, ruminating about what has
• 9:39
  Speaker 3: already happened, or obsessing and worrying about what is going
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  Speaker 3: to happen. And that makes life worse, That makes your
• 9:46
  Speaker 3: life more stressed. So I really teach parents the skills
• 9:51
  Speaker 3: to enter the present moment, because if you do, half
• 9:55
  Speaker 3: your stress and half you're like, oh my god, I
• 9:57
  Speaker 3: have no time goes away, working against ourselves by not
• 10:02
  Speaker 3: learning to be present. Conscious parenting is not only about
• 10:06
  Speaker 3: being aware of how you're projecting your own self into
• 10:09
  Speaker 3: your child's lives, but also about how you are not
• 10:12
  Speaker 3: in the present moment. So we all have time to
• 10:16
  Speaker 3: be in the present, because present, the present is where
• 10:19
  Speaker 3: everything is happening. So I dogmatically teach parents how to
• 10:23
  Speaker 3: train their minds to enter the present moment because the
• 10:27
  Speaker 3: reason for their perpetual misery, chaos, and stress is because
• 10:30
  Speaker 3: they are not in the present moment. So you don't
• 10:32
  Speaker 3: have to heal yourself completely. You just have to see
• 10:35
  Speaker 3: yourself in the present, projecting your garbage, your anxieties onto
• 10:41
  Speaker 3: your child. I mean, just today I did it with
• 10:43
  Speaker 3: my daughter and she backed me. She's like, hey, back off, mom,
• 10:47
  Speaker 3: this is a new problem. And the minute she did that,
• 10:50
  Speaker 3: my anxiety evaporated, rebonded, reconnected, and I realized I was
• 10:54
  Speaker 3: creating chaos and I didn't have to. So it's not
• 10:58
  Speaker 3: about healing every wound happened from each five. It's about
• 11:02
  Speaker 3: seeing how it is operating in the present moment, and
• 11:04
  Speaker 3: it's super powerful and super transformation.
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: I love that you said that. Just thinking about what
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: you said right there, I was driving one of my
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: kids to school this morning, my fifteen soon to be
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: sixteen year old, and so much of what she's going
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: through right now I want to personalize. It feels like
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: everything's defensive, everything's in a tag. It's like I can't
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: talk to her without her being really really elevated and agitated.
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: And I raised that with her, and guess what, she
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: got elevated and agitated. She was really upset that I
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: was even raising it. And saying that I didn't know
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: what I was talking about, and I found the whole
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: thing really ironic, and I've been I've been parceling over
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: it all day and listen to what you're saying. Just now,
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: it's kind of like, well, actually, this is not about me.
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: This is about her. And if I can be in
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: the moment the way you're talking about, let go of
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: all of the other stuff, then I'm going to be
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: a much better dad to her. I mean, she got
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: out of the car, she didn't even say goodbye to me,
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: and I was thinking, that's it. I'm not taking to
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: school anymore. I don't want anything to do with her.
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: She's driving me crazy. Which we didn't take a quick break.
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: But after the break, let's talk about ego, because my right,
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: I mean, this is your thing, right, ego played such
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: a big role in the way that interaction with my
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: daughter went poorly today. And I just want to talk
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: a little bit about boundaries because this is another area
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: that parents often will struggle, especially with some of your concepts,
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: and just to give people a sense of what you're
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: going to be talking about when you're here in Australia,
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: I think these topics will be useful, stay with us.
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: Both of those things are coming up next we're back.
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families Podcast with doctor Shafari Sabari Today, Shfali,
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: I love the way they integrate the Eastern philosophy, the
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: mindfulness traditions with Western psychology. But I want to talk
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: about ego for a sex. So when Western parents who
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: are often carrying enormous guilt about getting things wrong like
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: I do this morning, and countside the concepts that you
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: talk about, like ego, dissolution and detachment from outcomes, I
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: mean this is a big one, right, being detached from
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: the outcome. Do you find that they sometimes weaponize these
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: ideas against themselves like I did this morning. Like I'm
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: supposed to be egoless, I'm supposed to be detached from
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: the outcome, but I'm still triggered. And then, like I said,
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: they weaponize it against themselves, so to say, so I'm
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: failing at that as well. Not only can I not
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: detach from the outcome and can I not dissolve my ego?
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: But now I'm failing at everything. How do you help
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: parents to hold these really deep concepts without feeling an articat.
• 13:37
  Speaker 3: So this is what I teach, and just to simplify it,
• 13:39
  Speaker 3: although there's a lot more that goes into it, but
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: just for time. The ego is really our identification with
• 13:47
  Speaker 3: a false self, okay, a self that thinks it's feeling,
• 13:51
  Speaker 3: a self that thinks it's worthless, the self that kind
• 13:53
  Speaker 3: of inserts itself when it shouldn't insert itself.
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 13:57
  Speaker 3: So, here you are in the car with your sixteen
• 13:58
  Speaker 3: year old daughter, snappy, she's hormonal, she is stressed. Let
• 14:04
  Speaker 3: me tell you this is every girl almost from the
• 14:08
  Speaker 3: age of nine all the way till twenty nine. Okay,
• 14:10
  Speaker 3: just stay away and just deep breath, deep breath. Definitely
• 14:15
  Speaker 3: don't get your ego caught up, which is what you did.
• 14:19
  Speaker 3: You made it personal, and she here is going for
• 14:22
  Speaker 3: her own stressors and she doesn't need you now to
• 14:26
  Speaker 3: begin telling her that the way she's talking is upsetting
• 14:29
  Speaker 3: you because she's already on one hundred. So you inserted
• 14:33
  Speaker 3: yourself instead of deep breath. Let her have her moment.
• 14:37
  Speaker 3: You can reflect back and say, I see that you're
• 14:39
  Speaker 3: not in our mood or space or energy to really
• 14:43
  Speaker 3: now manage my feelings. So I'm just going to step away.
• 14:46
  Speaker 3: I'm going to put my ego on the side. I'm
• 14:47
  Speaker 3: going to put me and my needs on the side
• 14:49
  Speaker 3: and let you be and let her be. And then
• 14:52
  Speaker 3: you did the double whammy of like, oh my god,
• 14:55
  Speaker 3: I am such a bad parent and I am feeling
• 14:58
  Speaker 3: so we do this spinning up out of control with
• 15:01
  Speaker 3: our ego and parenting is such a powerful teacher, especially
• 15:05
  Speaker 3: parenting a team, because you get to see how you
• 15:09
  Speaker 3: keep inserting yourself instead of truly helping them. The best
• 15:13
  Speaker 3: help we can give our children is to either let
• 15:17
  Speaker 3: them have their feelings and then create a reflection so
• 15:22
  Speaker 3: we can reflect to them. I can see that I'm
• 15:25
  Speaker 3: stressing you out. I can see that every time I talk,
• 15:28
  Speaker 3: your shoulders are tensing. You can just reflect in the
• 15:31
  Speaker 3: present moment, and that is so powerful. You're not judging it,
• 15:35
  Speaker 3: You're not asking them to change, You're simply reflecting. You know,
• 15:40
  Speaker 3: I'm getting a sense that every time I breathe, you're
• 15:43
  Speaker 3: having a physical reaction. I can see you grunting, snorting,
• 15:47
  Speaker 3: rolling your eyes. So let's just I'm going to take
• 15:50
  Speaker 3: that as a signal that I need to back away.
• 15:52
  Speaker 3: How respectful, how lovely, as long as we do it
• 15:55
  Speaker 3: without judgment, right, most of us cannot do it without
• 15:58
  Speaker 3: judging because our feelings are getting hurt. But just in,
• 16:02
  Speaker 3: the reflection in the present moment is the greatest therapy
• 16:06
  Speaker 3: and a sign of respect. Listen, I want to respect you,
• 16:09
  Speaker 3: So please tell me when we can talk where I'm
• 16:12
  Speaker 3: not annoying you. You know I think I'm annoying you,
• 16:14
  Speaker 3: So please tell me when, and your child will both
• 16:17
  Speaker 3: be able to self reflect hopefully and self correct, and
• 16:21
  Speaker 3: you don't have to be the bad guy and you
• 16:23
  Speaker 3: don't have to get into the ring with them. And
• 16:26
  Speaker 3: then the second thing about self flagellation, it's really pointless
• 16:31
  Speaker 3: because that's our egos way of saying I should be
• 16:35
  Speaker 3: a better parent, I should have done it differently, but
• 16:39
  Speaker 3: really owning that right now, I don't know how to
• 16:42
  Speaker 3: react right, so we can just say, guess what, I
• 16:45
  Speaker 3: don't know how to deal with the sixteen year old
• 16:47
  Speaker 3: girl and soothing yourself and having compassion with yourself. You
• 16:50
  Speaker 3: are not supposed to know justin, even though you are
• 16:53
  Speaker 3: a parenting expert and.
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: I've done it five times, this is my fifth time through, right.
• 16:59
  Speaker 3: But this is a different this is a different child,
• 17:01
  Speaker 3: this is a different moment, and the best thing I've
• 17:04
  Speaker 3: learned and I help parents with this is and I
• 17:07
  Speaker 3: said it just the other day to my daughter. I
• 17:09
  Speaker 3: am so sorry, I don't know what to do right now.
• 17:12
  Speaker 3: That is so powerful because it's the truth. The ego
• 17:15
  Speaker 3: acts like it should know, but the truth is we
• 17:18
  Speaker 3: don't know. And going to a child, especially after the
• 17:21
  Speaker 3: age of fourteen fifteen, and telling them I really don't
• 17:24
  Speaker 3: know how to react right now, and I would love
• 17:27
  Speaker 3: your health and your guidance. They love that. They because
• 17:31
  Speaker 3: what they don't like is when we act like we
• 17:33
  Speaker 3: should know, and they can sense our ego more than anything.
• 17:37
  Speaker 3: So really getting raw and honest, but staying close to
• 17:41
  Speaker 3: the present moment is the answer is The answer is
• 17:46
  Speaker 3: found in the honesty of the present moment. Hey, I'm
• 17:49
  Speaker 3: seeing that I every time I speak, you seem to
• 17:53
  Speaker 3: not appreciate it or help me, help me What am
• 17:57
  Speaker 3: I getting wrong? Right? How powerful? But staying close to
• 18:00
  Speaker 3: the present.
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: So funny hearing you say this, because A, this is
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: what I teach other parents, and I know this. And
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: be in spite of the fact that I know this
• 18:09
  Speaker 2: and teach other parents this and agree with everything you're saying,
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: that part of me that we're actually talking about is
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: still saying yeah, yeah, yeah, but you should have done
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: better because you do know better. Like it's so powerful,
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: isn't it? The way that it pushes through and creates
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: that response really really impactful. I love love listening to you.
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: I needed this session today. I mean, this podcast was
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: not about me, but thank you so much for making
• 18:34
  Speaker 2: it about me. I want to ask just one more question.
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: It's something that parents struggle with so much, and your
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: framing on it is quite similar to mine. So I
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: often say to parents that parenting is about parents. If
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: it was about children, we'd call it children ing. So
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: one of your selfle ideas is that children are our
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: greatest teachers, and as we learn from them, we can
• 18:59
  Speaker 2: become better people ourselves, we can heal ourselves. But there's
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: also a bit of tension there because parents need to
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: provide structures and boundaries and leadership, Like we can't just
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: follow our children's lead. This taps into what you're saying before,
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: with one of our greatest mistakes being that we validate
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: our kids too much and we've gone too far into
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: that gentle side of things. So how do you help
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: parents to navigate that tension where our children are being
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: resistant or difficult, and that could be a mirror for
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: our own inner work. Or maybe it's just developmentally appropriate
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: limit testing that requires a firm, confident parent to step
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: in and say, this is not about my ego, this
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: is not about my inner work. This is just about
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: you doing the right thing and being socialized appropriately. How
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: do you navigate that tension.
• 19:44
  Speaker 3: Well in online work with parents? Because it's still confusing.
• 19:48
  Speaker 3: I've made it simple, but you tell me if there's
• 19:51
  Speaker 3: nuances that I'm missing. But the way I look at
• 19:54
  Speaker 3: it is if it's got to do with harm, harm
• 19:58
  Speaker 3: to the brain, harm to the body, harme to your friend,
• 20:00
  Speaker 3: harm to society, harm to grandma, and harm should be
• 20:05
  Speaker 3: something that everyone all across the world would agree. It's
• 20:09
  Speaker 3: not something that the parent decides is harmful. Right, So
• 20:12
  Speaker 3: if a kid says I don't want to hug grandma,
• 20:15
  Speaker 3: the parent can decide that's harmful. But that's very subjective.
• 20:18
  Speaker 3: I'm talking about objective harm that most people would agree.
• 20:22
  Speaker 3: Then you, as a parent can create a very stone
• 20:26
  Speaker 3: boundary and stick to it. So drugs, too much screen time, alcohol, pornography,
• 20:33
  Speaker 3: before the child is an adult, all of these things,
• 20:36
  Speaker 3: you can safely assume that you need to step in
• 20:39
  Speaker 3: and not be apathetic about it, and you need to
• 20:42
  Speaker 3: protect your child and you will be in integrity if
• 20:45
  Speaker 3: you do so. Now, anything emotional which can now cross
• 20:51
  Speaker 3: many many nuances. Right if a child says off, somebody
• 20:56
  Speaker 3: could say that's harmful, But somebody could also say, okay,
• 20:59
  Speaker 3: didn't physic harm me, So I don't have to overreact. Right,
• 21:02
  Speaker 3: So now it gets a little muddy and murky. So
• 21:05
  Speaker 3: the way I deal with the emotional stuff which is
• 21:09
  Speaker 3: more in sand, it's not in stone, it's more negotiable.
• 21:13
  Speaker 3: You can look at it in many different ways. I
• 21:17
  Speaker 3: give a two step process. The first step is the
• 21:20
  Speaker 3: parent needs to be regulated at all times and go
• 21:24
  Speaker 3: and talk to the child. Hey, you said a swear word,
• 21:28
  Speaker 3: or you bang the door, you broke my glass, you
• 21:31
  Speaker 3: miss curfew. Let's talk about it, but doing it in
• 21:34
  Speaker 3: a regulated way. If that does not work and your
• 21:38
  Speaker 3: connection is not enough to create the influence you need,
• 21:41
  Speaker 3: then you need to go to level two, which is
• 21:44
  Speaker 3: really create the boundary. And the way to create a
• 21:48
  Speaker 3: boundary for emotional stuff is that you need to be
• 21:54
  Speaker 3: the one to architect that. Meaning don't tell the child
• 21:58
  Speaker 3: not to curse, but you tell the child that the
• 22:01
  Speaker 3: next time you curse, I will be doing X, Y
• 22:04
  Speaker 3: and Z. I will close my room, I will walk away,
• 22:07
  Speaker 3: I will listen to my music. I will not be
• 22:11
  Speaker 3: engaging with you. If the child is very young, then
• 22:14
  Speaker 3: we understand that the child cannot help it. Now, then
• 22:17
  Speaker 3: we need to help the child to learn different ways.
• 22:20
  Speaker 3: But I'm talking about, say, after the age of seven onwards,
• 22:24
  Speaker 3: where the child is kind of capable of understanding the
• 22:27
  Speaker 3: Boundariy you hold the boundary. So if the child, for example,
• 22:31
  Speaker 3: is eating too many cookies, stop telling the child not
• 22:34
  Speaker 3: to eat cookies. You don't buy them. If the child
• 22:36
  Speaker 3: is not getting off the internet, you unplug the Wi Fi.
• 22:41
  Speaker 3: If the child is leading all the lights on in
• 22:43
  Speaker 3: the house, you take out the light bunce. Right, I'm
• 22:47
  Speaker 3: just giving you example. If you don't like that the
• 22:50
  Speaker 3: child leaves the dishes in the sink, you only provide
• 22:54
  Speaker 3: paper plates, or you don't clean the dishes. Right, So
• 22:58
  Speaker 3: you hold the boundary. Is what I'm say is you
• 23:01
  Speaker 3: don't depend on the child. You architect the boundary. So
• 23:05
  Speaker 3: here are you know and within this framework are all
• 23:08
  Speaker 3: the different examples, And of course they're ten thousand different things.
• 23:11
  Speaker 3: That come up for parents, But I just follow these rules.
• 23:14
  Speaker 3: If it's physical, it's a stone boundary. If it's emotional,
• 23:17
  Speaker 3: they are two layers to it.
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: One.
• 23:19
  Speaker 3: We try to connect and influence in a regulated way.
• 23:22
  Speaker 3: We try to have a conversation. If that doesn't work,
• 23:25
  Speaker 3: then I take the boundary in my own hands, so
• 23:27
  Speaker 3: that if the child is going out at night and
• 23:31
  Speaker 3: you don't like it, and you're getting very nervous, and
• 23:33
  Speaker 3: the child doesn't come home, you try to talk to them,
• 23:35
  Speaker 3: you either take away the keys or you you know,
• 23:39
  Speaker 3: you tell them that now I cannot engage with you
• 23:43
  Speaker 3: for the next few days because you're not appreciating the
• 23:45
  Speaker 3: danger here, and I need to disengage from this relationship
• 23:50
  Speaker 3: till you understand how serious this is. And if the
• 23:53
  Speaker 3: parent says, well nothing works, then justin we have an
• 23:58
  Speaker 3: even more serious problem. See if no boundary works, that
• 24:03
  Speaker 3: means the connection is completely severed. And if that is
• 24:08
  Speaker 3: the case, I suggest that the two of them, meaning
• 24:12
  Speaker 3: the parent and the child, go for some serious therapy coaching,
• 24:17
  Speaker 3: because that means the parent has lost all influence and
• 24:22
  Speaker 3: no matter what we do, no technique will work because
• 24:27
  Speaker 3: the child has simply lost trust in that relationship. They
• 24:32
  Speaker 3: don't need the parent, and now the parent has lost
• 24:35
  Speaker 3: all leverage. So for any parent listening, don't lose hope.
• 24:39
  Speaker 3: There is a way to reconnect and recover, but you
• 24:42
  Speaker 3: will need to do a lot more work, probably with
• 24:45
  Speaker 3: the third person, to help.
• 24:47
  Speaker 2: To find out more about everything that we've been talking
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: about today, and to have your brain exploded when it
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: comes to understanding yourself and your family and to make
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: your family happier. Check out doctor Shafarli's website. We will
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: link to it in the show notes. Events dot dtor
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: sfari dot com, Slash Australia, Melbourne March eleven, Sydney March twelve.
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: I think we need a three hour podcast. I need
• 25:09
  Speaker 2: to do one of those Lex Friedman Stephen Barton podcast
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: with you one day, Shaffi, because we could just keep
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: ongoing for hours. Thanks so much for generously chatting with
• 25:18
  Speaker 2: me again about your wonderful work.
• 25:21
  Speaker 3: I'm so excited always to chat with you. You're incredible.
• 25:25
  Speaker 3: The work that you're doing is so phenomenal and this
• 25:28
  Speaker 3: in such practical advice, So thank you and I can't
• 25:31
  Speaker 3: wait to maybe see some of your listeners in Melbourne
• 25:35
  Speaker 3: and Sydney when I come next month.
• 25:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you're very kind. I'm sure it'll be a wonderful,
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: wonderful tour and some some fantastic some fantastic events in
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: Melbourne and Sydney, like I said. Details in the show
• 25:44
  Speaker 2: notes DTR Safari Sabari. The Happy Family Podcast is produced
• 25:48
  Speaker 2: by Justin Rouland from Bridge Media. Mim Hammonds provides research,
• 25:52
  Speaker 2: admin and all of our other support and if you'd
• 25:54
  Speaker 2: like more info about Shafalie's tour, check the show notes
• 25:57
  Speaker 2: or her website. And for more and fo about making
• 25:59
  Speaker 2: your family happy, you'll find it at happy families dot
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: com dot a um hmm