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Living Without Fear - The Hidden Cost of Strength | With Esther Buerki · LIVING WITHOUT FEAR

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  Welcome, my dear friends, to the 132nd episode of Living Without
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  Fear. I'm Esther Burkey, your host
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  from Switzerland, and I'm so grateful you are here with me,
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  listening with an open heart and the curious mind.
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  Every week I share a piece of my own story, not because it's
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  extraordinary, but because it's deeply human.
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  And today, I want to talk about something that has followed me
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  all my life. The invisible role I took on as
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  a child. The strong one.
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  When I was little, I often felt that my younger brother was the
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  favorite. He was four years younger,
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  smaller, and more fragile. At least that's what my parents
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  believed. I remember so clearly how when
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  we sat at the table and shared food, he always seemed to get a
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  bit more. And when I complained, my
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  parents would say, he needs it more.
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  Esther, he's growing. You are the strong one.
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  And so I learned early what that meant.
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  Being the strong one meant not needing too much.
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  It meant being patient. It meant understanding when
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  others got more. More food, more attention, more
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  care. It meant that my tears were less
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  urgent, my pain less visible, my needs less important.
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  And as a child, you can't really argue with that.
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  You just accept it. You swallow it.
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  You turn it into silence. You start believing that maybe
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  love is something you have to earn by being good, calm,
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  helpful or mature. When my brother did something
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  wrong, he got away with it. He's still little, they would
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  say, but when I made a mistake, I could feel their
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  disappointment so much stronger. And little by little, I began to
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  build my identity around this idea that I had to be the
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  reliable one, the one who doesn't complain, the one who
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  carries the weight gracefully. And yet, deep down, I longed for
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  fairness. I longed to be seen, to be told
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  you did great too. You deserve just as much.
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  But those words really came. And so I became strong.
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  Not because I wanted to, but because no one gave me another
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  choice. Even today, decades later, this
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  feeling sometimes comes back. My brother and I are adults now.
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  I'm 62, he's 48, and my father is 90.
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  And still, I sometimes notice that my father is more generous
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  with him. Maybe he gives him more gifts or
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  speaks to him with a softness that I don't always receive.
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  And in those moments, I feel that same old thing inside, that
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  quiet whisper from the little girl who says it's happening
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  again. But now I understand something
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  that I couldn't as a child. My parents didn't mean to hurt
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  me. They simply saw my strength and
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  mistook it for not needing as much love.
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  They leaned on my resilience because they trusted it.
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  They forgot that even the strong ones need to be held sometimes.
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  That same pattern of being the strong one followed me into
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  adulthood after my divorce from the father of my two sons when
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  they were only five and seven years old.
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  It became my way of surviving. I had to function.
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  I had to provide. And in that period of my life,
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  my strength was truly a gift. It helped me stand on my own
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  feet, and it gave me a sense of pride and independence.
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  But later, when I entered new relationships, this pattern no
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  longer served me. I was so much in my masculine
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  energy, always taking charge, deciding, leading, protecting,
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  that I couldn't fully let go or allow softness.
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  I started criticizing my partners for being too weak, for
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  not taking initiative. But what I didn't see back then
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  was that I had left no space for them to step in.
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  That realization was painful, but freeing.
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  I spoke about this in more detail in the early episode
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  called Love as a Legacy to Our Families, where I explored how
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  hard it can be to shift from survival strength back into
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  feminine flow. Even today, my default pattern
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  is still to be strong. Whatever happens, it's my
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  automatic response. But I've learned that I don't
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  always have to be. I can allow myself to be
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  fragile, to be soft, to be cared for.
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  It doesn't come naturally to me. In fact, I don't particularly
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  like to be taken care of. I often have to remind myself
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  that it's safe to lean back, to receive, to rest.
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  And I'm still learning that being cared for doesn't make me
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  weak. It makes me human.
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  Sometimes I imagine, sitting besides that little girl in me,
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  the one who decided long ago that she had to be strong to be
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  loved. And I tell her softly, you don't
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  have to be strong all the time. You can rest, you can cry, you
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  can take up space. You are loved exactly as you
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  are. That moment of tenderness, even
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  if it's just in my imagination, feels like medicine to my heart.
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  It's as if all those years of holding it together finally melt
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  into a gentle piece. And I share this with you
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  because I know that many of you have also been the strong ones.
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  The older siblings, the caretakers, the quiet
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  supporters, the ones who held it all together when no one else
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  did. Maybe you are praised for your
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  maturity, your independence, your kindness, but inside maybe
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  you were also a child who just wanted someone to say, you can
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  lean on me. If this resonates with you, I
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  want you to pause for a moment right now and place your hand
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  over your heart. Take a deep breath and say to
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  yourself quietly, I see you. I know how much you've carried
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  and it's OK to let go now. Let those words sink in because
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  you deserve to be seen too. You deserve to be nurtured, held
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  and loved not for your strength but for your softness.
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  Not for what you do, but for who you are.
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  Sometimes the greatest act of healing is to turn towards the
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  parts of ourselves that were overlooked and to finally say
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  I'm here, I won't leave you. That's how we stop repeating old
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  pain. Not by demanding others to
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  change, but by giving ourselves what we always longed for.
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  By becoming the parent, the friend, the safe place we once
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  needed. So tonight, or whenever you find
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  a quiet moment, close your eyes and imagine holding your younger
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  self, the child who felt unseen or less loved or always
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  responsible. Tell them what they never heard
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  enough. You are enough.
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  You've always been enough. And if tears come, let them.
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  They are not weakness, they are the hards way of releasing the
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  old stories that no longer serve you.
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  Because maybe in the end, being the strong one was never about
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  being invincible. Maybe it was about learning how
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  deeply we all need connection and finally giving it to
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  ourselves with the tenderness we once missed.
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  Thank you for listening, my dear friend.
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  If this story touched your heart and you feel ready to soften, to
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  grow, and to become the most authentic version of yourself,
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  I'd love to walk beside you. You can get in touch with me for
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  a one-on-one coaching session where we work gently but
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  powerfully in helping you release old patterns, reconnect
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  with your heart, and step into your true self.
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  Together we can learn to live with more ease, more love, and
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  more honesty, becoming a better, freer version of ourselves.
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  So talk to you next week.