Latest / Limitless Living with Fredricka Davis / 086: How to Get Back on Track When You’ve Fallen Off

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086: How to Get Back on Track When You’ve Fallen Off · Limitless Living with Fredricka Davis

0:32
SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the Limitless Living Podcast.
0:35
SPEAKER_00: I'm Frederica Davis, your host, and I hope you're enjoying a wonderful Saturday morning if you happen to listen to this.
0:41
SPEAKER_00: When it releases, I want to start with a question today.
0:45
SPEAKER_00: I don't want you to answer it too quickly, though.
0:49
SPEAKER_00: Really think about it.
0:50
SPEAKER_00: When was the last time you asked yourself what you wanted?
0:56
SPEAKER_00: Just you, without first checking in to see what everybody else needed.
1:03
SPEAKER_00: Not what makes the most sense for your family, not what would be easiest for your business, not what you can squeeze into the leftover space that's in your calendar, but what do you really actually want?
1:18
SPEAKER_00: Now, for some of us, that question is really hard.
1:22
SPEAKER_00: You might have a hard time answering that.
1:25
SPEAKER_00: I know I spent a lot of years, maybe the crossing fleeting thought about what I wanted.
1:31
SPEAKER_00: But then right behind that, it would be, well, what's in the best interest of my kids?
1:37
SPEAKER_00: At the time it was my ex's kids.
1:39
SPEAKER_00: What's in the best interest of the family?
1:41
SPEAKER_00: What's in the best interest of my clients?
1:43
SPEAKER_00: And so on.
1:44
SPEAKER_00: So I want you to be asking you, what's in the best interest of you?
1:48
SPEAKER_00: What is it that you really want?
1:51
SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's not even in the best interest of you, but it's something you want.
1:54
SPEAKER_00: Now, today is definitely not about leaving your family or quitting your job or selling a business and running off to live in some cottage somewhere.
2:03
SPEAKER_00: Although if you have a lovely cottage somewhere, I wouldn't mind an invitation.
2:08
SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about the smaller choices, the ones that tell you whether or not you are still part of the equation.
2:16
SPEAKER_00: Are you even in the conversation of your own life?
2:20
SPEAKER_00: How do you spend a Saturday afternoon?
2:22
SPEAKER_00: What do you like to learn?
2:24
SPEAKER_00: What do you want to see?
2:25
SPEAKER_00: Where do you want to go?
2:27
SPEAKER_00: Whether you'd rather have company or spend a little time by yourself.
2:32
SPEAKER_00: What do you enjoy now, even if you haven't made room for it in years?
2:37
SPEAKER_00: After this airs this morning, I this afternoon, I'm driving about two and a half hours away simply because I can.
2:46
SPEAKER_00: And I happen to see something pop up that looked really intriguing, and it's mindful movement with horses.
2:54
SPEAKER_00: Why two and a half hours away?
2:55
SPEAKER_00: Well, that's because that happens to be where I saw it and the timing worked out for my schedule.
2:59
SPEAKER_00: So yeah, I'm gonna drive two and a half hours out for probably an hour and then drive two and a half hours back.
3:05
SPEAKER_00: Sounds crazy, right?
3:06
SPEAKER_00: But I wanted to do that.
3:08
SPEAKER_00: That was something I wanted to do.
3:10
SPEAKER_00: I wanted to spend time with the horses, I wanted to experience that, see how they do that.
3:16
SPEAKER_00: I have made a commitment to myself.
3:17
SPEAKER_00: If you follow me on social media, not too long ago, I posted something about how I really want to get back to spending time with horses.
3:25
SPEAKER_00: I grew up, I was teaching, I was riding every single day.
3:29
SPEAKER_00: Then I was teaching, and I've been away from it for too long.
3:33
SPEAKER_00: So, because I knew I wanted that, and this happened to pop up.
3:37
SPEAKER_00: And of course, you know, there's wonderful algorithms in social media.
3:40
SPEAKER_00: They just tell you everything.
3:41
SPEAKER_00: You need to know once you say anything, they're all over it, sending you a hundred things like that.
3:46
SPEAKER_00: But it was perfect.
3:47
SPEAKER_00: It was just perfect time.
3:48
SPEAKER_00: And I thought, you know what?
3:49
SPEAKER_00: That's gonna be two and a half hours of wonderful bliss driving the car further than my office, further than the local things I run errands for.
3:58
SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna have time to listen to an audiobook or sing at the top of my lungs.
4:03
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna enjoy an hour there and I'm gonna enjoy the time back.
4:07
SPEAKER_00: So that's a perfect example.
4:10
SPEAKER_00: Now, do I do that all the time?
4:11
SPEAKER_00: No, but do I do that sometimes?
4:13
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
4:14
SPEAKER_00: So, what is it that you want for yourself?
4:18
SPEAKER_00: And how do you want to spend your time?
4:21
SPEAKER_00: Now, sometimes finding yourself again begins with something as simple as a question like this.
4:28
SPEAKER_00: And for some of you, you might not feel like it's a simple question anymore.
4:32
SPEAKER_00: So recently I also wanted to go to an art festival.
4:34
SPEAKER_00: I asked a few friends, they couldn't go.
4:36
SPEAKER_00: No big deal.
4:37
SPEAKER_00: I chose to go because I wanted to go.
4:40
SPEAKER_00: And I could walk at my own pace and I could stop and see something if it caught my eye.
4:45
SPEAKER_00: I didn't have to worry about anybody else's schedule.
4:47
SPEAKER_00: I could stay as long as I wanted to or not.
4:51
SPEAKER_00: I could meander somewhere else on the way home, which is exactly what I did.
4:55
SPEAKER_00: I stopped at this wonderful uh nursery greenhouse restaurant that is in our area, terrain at the Delaware Valley College, and had a wonderful afternoon.
5:08
SPEAKER_00: Because if I waited for people to be available, the art fest would be gone and I'd probably be at home.
5:15
SPEAKER_00: So that got me thinking, of course, how many of you out there are sitting there waiting, kind of waiting for the time to be right, waiting for there to be free time, waiting for somebody to ask you, waiting for somebody to be able to go with you, waiting for the children's needs to be less, or waiting for when your business settles down, or when you feel more confident.
5:38
SPEAKER_00: And then in the meantime, you have these things that maybe you want to do that you are curious about even, and they just keep getting pushed off to later, to later, to later.
5:48
SPEAKER_00: Does any of this sound familiar?
5:50
SPEAKER_00: So, how does this happen?
5:52
SPEAKER_00: I think most women do not wake up one morning and announce, okay, I'm no longer going to care for you.
5:59
SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna care for anybody else, I'm gonna take care of myself.
6:02
SPEAKER_00: Now, maybe there's a few that do, but that's not really the progression of it.
6:07
SPEAKER_00: What happens is more gradual than that.
6:10
SPEAKER_00: I see this with my clients all the time.
6:12
SPEAKER_00: I've experienced it too.
6:13
SPEAKER_00: When you get into these busy seasons of life, you become really good at noticing other people's needs.
6:20
SPEAKER_00: And of course, if you're a parent, yeah, you're predicting what their needs and trying to be prepared for it and reacting on the fly and keeping their schedules straight and preferences and moods.
6:31
SPEAKER_00: Oh, the moods, right?
6:32
SPEAKER_00: And emergencies and all the stuff.
6:35
SPEAKER_00: And if you're caring for an older family member, then there's appointments you have to take them to, and calls you have to make, and things that simply cannot wait.
6:44
SPEAKER_00: And that feeling like you're always on edge waiting for the next emergency.
6:48
SPEAKER_00: I've lived through this.
6:49
SPEAKER_00: And my mom died just short of 99.
6:53
SPEAKER_00: So I live through that feeling like when's the next emergency, and always kind of being in fight or flight.
6:58
SPEAKER_00: And if you own a business, there are clients and staff and bills, and you know, a million and one decisions that all potentially have your name on them.
7:08
SPEAKER_00: Now, those are all great.
7:10
SPEAKER_00: Now, you may love all the people, the places, the things, the projects that you have, and that you do.
7:16
SPEAKER_00: I know I certainly do.
7:18
SPEAKER_00: And a lot of the choices that I made for others during those moments, I would absolutely make again.
7:25
SPEAKER_00: Because raising children, mine or others, has been one of the greatest things in my entire life.
7:33
SPEAKER_00: Building businesses has been amazing.
7:36
SPEAKER_00: Yes, hard sometimes, both of those, but amazing.
7:40
SPEAKER_00: I value being present for the people I love.
7:44
SPEAKER_00: I don't know how I could have done it any other way than I did to be there for my mom in her older years.
7:50
SPEAKER_00: I wouldn't trade any of that away to make some point about being independent and eating my own me time.
7:57
SPEAKER_00: But it is possible to love your life and still realize that wait a minute, I think I may have stopped checking in with myself.
8:07
SPEAKER_00: Somewhere along the way, hmm, I've been ignoring me.
8:11
SPEAKER_00: And then sometimes someone will ask you, where would you like to eat?
8:15
SPEAKER_00: And you'll say, Oh, I don't care.
8:18
SPEAKER_00: Do you or don't you?
8:20
SPEAKER_00: Was it the automatic answer?
8:22
SPEAKER_00: Or would you really prefer to have a steak?
8:24
SPEAKER_00: Or would you really prefer to have vegetarian?
8:25
SPEAKER_00: Or what would you really prefer?
8:27
SPEAKER_00: But instead we say, Oh, I don't care.
8:29
SPEAKER_00: It whatever you want to do, it's up to you, it's fine.
8:32
SPEAKER_00: And we're accommodating.
8:33
SPEAKER_00: Even if you don't know where you want to go, you likely haven't checked in with yourself, or you're so maxed out that you can't make the decision at that point because you haven't been checking in with yourself, that that's the standard answer.
8:47
SPEAKER_00: And then it becomes a habitual answer.
8:49
SPEAKER_00: So maybe someone asks you what you want for your birthday, and you genuinely can't think of anything.
8:55
SPEAKER_00: Or you're like, oh, whatever you get me is going to be fine.
8:58
SPEAKER_00: I love that, and it's gracious.
9:00
SPEAKER_00: But maybe there is a little something you'd like.
9:01
SPEAKER_00: Maybe there's a specific restaurant you want to go to, or maybe you want that thing you've been looking at at the store, or whatever.
9:08
SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you're really clear and you know what everybody else needs.
9:15
SPEAKER_00: But when that question comes up, what do I need?
9:19
SPEAKER_00: It feels almost indulgent, or even like something you might feel a little bit guilty for.
9:27
SPEAKER_00: Is any of this hitting home?
9:28
SPEAKER_00: Does this sound like something that you've experienced?
9:33
SPEAKER_00: I know some of you don't experience this as often, but so many women do.
9:37
SPEAKER_00: I see it every day in my clients.
9:40
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes it's just a matter of us being out of practice.
9:43
SPEAKER_00: You know, I want to be gentle here because not knowing what you want doesn't mean that you have something deeply wrong.
9:52
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't.
9:53
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it just means you're tired.
9:56
SPEAKER_00: You have decision fatigue.
9:57
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're living in a demanding period of your life and your priorities have changed, and maybe the things that you used to enjoy just no longer appeal to you.
10:08
SPEAKER_00: I know I have certain things that I used to love to do that I have no desire to do anymore.
10:13
SPEAKER_00: And things change.
10:14
SPEAKER_00: And until you kind of check in and ask yourself these questions or even experiment and get curious, sometimes it's hard to know what you want to do next.
10:21
SPEAKER_00: So I get that.
10:22
SPEAKER_00: Doesn't mean there's always this big, deep problem.
10:24
SPEAKER_00: And maybe you just need a little time to discover what fits now.
10:28
SPEAKER_00: So think about a woman who spent years driving children to activities, then the children get older, and suddenly a Saturday opens up, and people around this woman will say, now you have time for yourself.
10:42
SPEAKER_00: That's great.
10:43
SPEAKER_00: But the woman, she might not immediately know what to do with it.
10:47
SPEAKER_00: Her time has had this purpose and this structure for so long.
10:52
SPEAKER_00: Now she doesn't know what to do with her time.
10:54
SPEAKER_00: Is that you?
10:54
SPEAKER_00: Did that ring true for you?
10:57
SPEAKER_00: Or maybe somebody who's built a business or a career about being available and really going the extra mile.
11:06
SPEAKER_00: Somebody who schedules an extra client appointment without even hesitating, extends her day, comes in earlier, does all the extras, puts an hour on the calendar just to explore.
11:16
SPEAKER_00: But when she's got an hour to just explore something, she feels guilty or she feels a little confused or lost about what to do next.
11:26
SPEAKER_00: Or even when she thinks, okay, I really need to take time for myself.
11:30
SPEAKER_00: I'm going to start blocking out an hour here and there that is for myself, she starts to feel guilty.
11:37
SPEAKER_00: I can relate to that.
11:39
SPEAKER_00: This isn't a failure of imagination, and it's not any big, giant, deep-rooted problem necessarily.
11:47
SPEAKER_00: It might just be a situation if you're relating to these or the women I'm talking about.
11:53
SPEAKER_00: These are clients that I've seen, as well as things I may have experienced too.
11:57
SPEAKER_00: You might just be simply out of practice, including yourself in the conversation.
12:05
SPEAKER_00: And practice is something that we can always begin.
12:08
SPEAKER_00: Always.
12:09
SPEAKER_00: It's never too late to begin practicing something again.
12:13
SPEAKER_00: So what did you used to enjoy?
12:17
SPEAKER_00: Here's the place I would say to start.
12:20
SPEAKER_00: Think about what you liked before your days became as full as they are now.
12:25
SPEAKER_00: For me, it was many, many, many things, but one of them was horses.
12:30
SPEAKER_00: That is why I've chosen to find ways to get back to that.
12:34
SPEAKER_00: Now, maybe you love to read, or you like to be outside, or go to live music, take some pictures, uh do something with your hands, or wander through a bookstore, spend time simply talking on the phone with a friend.
12:50
SPEAKER_00: In fact, that's probably what I'll do, is I'll probably catch up with some friends while I'm driving those two and a half hours.
12:55
SPEAKER_00: And I'll enjoy that.
12:57
SPEAKER_00: I'll probably have quiet time in an audiobook or singing on one part of the trip, and one part of the trip I'll be catching up with friends.
13:04
SPEAKER_00: That's how I will choose to use that time just to give just to give you some ideas.
13:09
SPEAKER_00: Now you don't have to turn any of these things into a new purpose or a new hobby, and you don't have to monetize any hobbies that you might want to begin again.
13:19
SPEAKER_00: And you don't even have to become excellent at whatever it is that you want to do.
13:23
SPEAKER_00: You simply can remember that you liked it and then ask yourself, okay, do I still like it?
13:30
SPEAKER_00: Do I still want to do this?
13:32
SPEAKER_00: Because the answer might actually be no.
13:34
SPEAKER_00: That's some useful information.
13:35
SPEAKER_00: Like I don't really have a lot of interest in going into live music.
13:39
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, maybe an outdoor live musical event or festival, yes.
13:44
SPEAKER_00: But but do I want to go to a concert and be squished in and spend all that money on the tickets and all that?
13:49
SPEAKER_00: No, I don't.
13:49
SPEAKER_00: I just don't.
13:50
SPEAKER_00: When I was younger, I would have loved that.
13:51
SPEAKER_00: I don't have any desire to do that anymore.
13:53
SPEAKER_00: As an example.
13:54
SPEAKER_00: So sometimes we hold on to these old versions of ourselves too, and oh, so tightly that we miss the person that we have become or we are becoming.
14:05
SPEAKER_00: And maybe it was literally that you loved big crowded events and now you'd rather just simply walk somewhere beautiful with a close friend, or or even have time to take a nap, somewhere quiet, like a hotel room to yourself.
14:19
SPEAKER_00: Who wouldn't want that?
14:20
SPEAKER_00: Can you relate to that?
14:21
SPEAKER_00: I've had those moments where I just wanted to check into the local hotel, take a night, order room service, and then come home renewed.
14:27
SPEAKER_00: That's okay.
14:29
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you spent years thinking you were adventurous, but now you're curious and you want to travel more.
14:34
SPEAKER_00: You want to try taking a class.
14:36
SPEAKER_00: You're allowed to update your answer to this question anytime, and you're allowed to have it change.
14:44
SPEAKER_00: What catches your attention right now?
14:46
SPEAKER_00: What is it that you're curious about and you spend a little more time looking at?
14:50
SPEAKER_00: What do you find interesting?
14:52
SPEAKER_00: What is it you notice when no one is telling you what you ought to be interested in?
14:59
SPEAKER_00: What are the conversations that you really lean into and you love?
15:04
SPEAKER_00: I will tell you for me, I do not like superficial small talk.
15:08
SPEAKER_00: I just don't.
15:09
SPEAKER_00: I do it.
15:10
SPEAKER_00: We all have to do it in certain situations, but I really, really don't.
15:14
SPEAKER_00: I like the deeper stuff if you haven't noticed hence the podcast.
15:19
SPEAKER_00: That is what I lean into.
15:20
SPEAKER_00: I like to really get to know somebody.
15:23
SPEAKER_00: I like to know the nitty, the gritty, the good, the bad, the everything, and understand things.
15:29
SPEAKER_00: I don't like to gloss over things.
15:32
SPEAKER_00: So, what is it you find yourself leaning into?
15:36
SPEAKER_00: What do you look at for a little bit longer?
15:40
SPEAKER_00: When you scroll at things, we all do it far too much, I might add.
15:45
SPEAKER_00: But when you're scrolling at things, what do you save because you genuinely want to come back to it?
15:52
SPEAKER_00: And what do you save because you think you should become the kind of person that does that kind of a thing?
15:59
SPEAKER_00: So I save a lot of health nutrition, a lot of movement things.
16:05
SPEAKER_00: I save a lot of decorating things, a lot of travel things, books I might want, a lot of inspiring quotes.
16:12
SPEAKER_00: I save uh art inspiration.
16:15
SPEAKER_00: Just to give you an example.
16:16
SPEAKER_00: And if you've been listening to the podcast, all of those make sense.
16:19
SPEAKER_00: And they're everything that I am interested in.
16:22
SPEAKER_00: And I will save something that looks new and promising for when I can get to it, or something that I want to try.
16:31
SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's a recipe.
16:33
SPEAKER_00: So, what do you save?
16:35
SPEAKER_00: What are the things?
16:35
SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm already doing a lot of the things I save, but if you're sitting here thinking, I don't even know what I like to do anymore, this is a good place to start noticing these things.
16:45
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you keep noticing an art event, or you're drawn to gardening, or you're curious about learning to speak in public, or a new language, or you just want to understand your finances better, or maybe you want to reconnect with your friends that you haven't seen in a long time.
17:07
SPEAKER_00: These are all not random distractions.
17:11
SPEAKER_00: They might be clues about what matters to you most in this season.
17:16
SPEAKER_00: They don't all need to become commitments.
17:18
SPEAKER_00: Curiosity can simply be an invitation to explore something.
17:23
SPEAKER_00: And there is another part of this I want to talk about, and that's the permission trap.
17:27
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we know what we want, but we keep waiting for permission.
17:31
SPEAKER_00: We want someone else to go to.
17:33
SPEAKER_00: We want our family to understand why it matters so much.
17:37
SPEAKER_00: We want our business to be caught up first, we want to be certain that we'll be good at it, or that the day will be worth the drive.
17:47
SPEAKER_00: I have no idea if I'm gonna drive two and a half hours and be disappointed by this hour-long event.
17:52
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't matter to me, though.
17:53
SPEAKER_00: It's more about the journey.
17:55
SPEAKER_00: Now, I have been caught up in this, though.
17:57
SPEAKER_00: I can absolutely say this.
17:58
SPEAKER_00: I have thought when the business is caught up, I'll take some time.
18:02
SPEAKER_00: Or when uh my daughter's a little older, I'll take some time.
18:05
SPEAKER_00: And then I thought to myself, I want to, I'll touch on that one really quick.
18:09
SPEAKER_00: For any of you who still have kids that are younger, because so many of us have had kids older ages, like I did.
18:16
SPEAKER_00: You get caught up in that when you're raising the kids.
18:18
SPEAKER_00: And when the kids are younger and we don't take time for ourselves, we don't teach them to take time for themselves.
18:24
SPEAKER_00: So I would ask you to ask yourself the question: what do I want to teach my kids?
18:31
SPEAKER_00: What do I want my kids to see?
18:32
SPEAKER_00: Do I want them to see that mom and women always sacrifice themselves for everything and everyone all the time, endlessly?
18:40
SPEAKER_00: Or do I want to teach my child that mom is a person?
18:48
SPEAKER_00: Mom is a woman, mom is able to care for herself and love them just as much and be there for them just as much, even if I take care of myself.
18:59
SPEAKER_00: Do I want to teach them that pushing the pause button is okay when they need it for themselves?
19:06
SPEAKER_00: Because kids learn what they live, they don't learn what we tell them.
19:09
SPEAKER_00: I see this in my daughter all the time.
19:11
SPEAKER_00: I pushed really hard for a long time without taking care of myself enough.
19:14
SPEAKER_00: And my daughter has that in her.
19:16
SPEAKER_00: Now, is it a good, wonderful thing that she can push hard?
19:19
SPEAKER_00: Yes, I actually believe it is.
19:21
SPEAKER_00: If you look around today, there's a lot of people out there that don't want to push at all.
19:26
SPEAKER_00: And I think there's a time when we need to do that.
19:28
SPEAKER_00: We need to work hard and effort matters.
19:30
SPEAKER_00: We have talked about that before.
19:32
SPEAKER_00: However, it's also really important to me that she knows that it's okay to choose herself and to push pause when she needs to to keep herself healthy, to be her best version of herself.
19:45
SPEAKER_00: And by me taking the time to do that as a mom and her seeing that, that teaches her that.
19:52
SPEAKER_00: So that's my little sidebar on that.
19:55
SPEAKER_00: For those of you who are still parenting, I get it.
19:59
SPEAKER_00: And it's hard sometimes, but there is an importance to it that not only is for you, but for your family and the people around you.
20:10
SPEAKER_00: And I will say I've learned that if I wait for every schedule to align, I miss things that I wanted to experience.
20:17
SPEAKER_00: I will just miss them.
20:18
SPEAKER_00: They'll go, they'll pass, and I didn't go.
20:20
SPEAKER_00: And then I'll be like, oh, I wish I would have gone to that.
20:23
SPEAKER_00: And that's the end of that.
20:24
SPEAKER_00: You know, the one thing we can't get back is this moment and time that we're in right this minute.
20:29
SPEAKER_00: It's done.
20:30
SPEAKER_00: As soon as this moment is done, it's done.
20:32
SPEAKER_00: That's it.
20:33
SPEAKER_00: We cannot get it back.
20:35
SPEAKER_00: So, so go to the art festival or whatever it is you want to go to, even if no one can go with you.
20:40
SPEAKER_00: It does not have to be some enormous act of courage.
20:43
SPEAKER_00: For some of you, it might feel like that, but it's a choice.
20:47
SPEAKER_00: It's a choice to stop treating your own interests as insufficient reasons to go.
20:54
SPEAKER_00: So that brings me to the next question I have for you.
20:57
SPEAKER_00: Is my interest enough reason to try this?
21:00
SPEAKER_00: And the answer is often going to be yes.
21:04
SPEAKER_00: Of course, we live with real responsibilities.
21:07
SPEAKER_00: I don't discount any of those.
21:09
SPEAKER_00: I'm not suggesting you ignore the people that depend on you or spend money you don't have.
21:14
SPEAKER_00: I'm asking whether there are choices available to you that you dismiss before you even consider them.
21:22
SPEAKER_00: So could you go for an hour instead of the whole day?
21:25
SPEAKER_00: Sure.
21:26
SPEAKER_00: Could you invite a friend and still go if she can't make it?
21:28
SPEAKER_00: Sure.
21:29
SPEAKER_00: Could you borrow a book, visit a place, take a class, or have a conversation, or take a little mini weekend?
21:38
SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
21:39
SPEAKER_00: You may have more options than the all or nothing version you first imagined.
21:43
SPEAKER_00: Start with preferences.
21:44
SPEAKER_00: Maybe even make a list of things that you would love to do because there are going to be those days where you're a little lost.
21:51
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're tired.
21:52
SPEAKER_00: It's been a rough week and you know you need to do something for yourself, but you are done making decisions.
21:58
SPEAKER_00: You can't even think straight.
22:00
SPEAKER_00: Make a list, have it there for you of things that you really would love to do so that when you're in that mode, you can just check your list and go, oh, you know what?
22:10
SPEAKER_00: Today would be a good day for that.
22:12
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna do that today.
22:13
SPEAKER_00: So it's less decision making out of the blue and really more like prompting because you've already taken the time to make that list at a moment when you were mentally able to, emotionally able to, where you sat down and put some real thought into it.
22:30
SPEAKER_00: So when people talk about finding themselves or Or creating this next chapter, it can really sound and feel enormous.
22:39
SPEAKER_00: Now, the questions that we often have, like, what is my purpose?
22:43
SPEAKER_00: Who am I now?
22:44
SPEAKER_00: What am I going to do for the rest of my life?
22:47
SPEAKER_00: They're huge questions sometimes.
22:49
SPEAKER_00: They're really, really big.
22:51
SPEAKER_00: They feel so big that they can feel overwhelming.
22:53
SPEAKER_00: And you may not have the answer during a podcast episode.
22:56
SPEAKER_00: I would not expect you to.
22:58
SPEAKER_00: So let's begin somewhere more ordinary.
23:02
SPEAKER_00: What would you like for lunch?
23:04
SPEAKER_00: What route would you like to take on your do you want to go see someone this weekend or would you enjoy time alone?
23:10
SPEAKER_00: Is there an event that's coming up that you'd like to go to even if nobody else is free?
23:17
SPEAKER_00: Those little choices, they're not trivial.
23:20
SPEAKER_00: Each time you notice a preference and you let it count, you actually strengthen your ability to hear yourself.
23:27
SPEAKER_00: Now that really matters when bigger questions come along.
23:30
SPEAKER_00: It's difficult to design a life that fits you if you have been spending so many years just dismissing every small indication of what you enjoy, what drains you, what you're curious about.
23:47
SPEAKER_00: So I hear this a lot.
23:49
SPEAKER_00: Well, you know, I don't think my family understand.
23:52
SPEAKER_00: What if other people don't understand, right?
23:54
SPEAKER_00: Now, some people may be used to you being the flexible one.
23:57
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're the accommodator in your family or your group or your uh business.
24:02
SPEAKER_00: If you begin saying, I'd like to actually do this, they might look at you surprised.
24:09
SPEAKER_00: That does not automatically mean, though, that you have done anything wrong.
24:14
SPEAKER_00: I know some people feel a little bit guilty when they get a funny look from somebody or they feel a little bit off if somebody gives them a funny look because you do something, you know, you if you begin saying things like, hey, I would really actually like to do this instead, the people around you might start to be a little surprised.
24:34
SPEAKER_00: They might have a surprise look on their face.
24:35
SPEAKER_00: And that does not automatically mean that there's anything wrong with it.
24:39
SPEAKER_00: You can still be that kind, wonderful, giving person and have a preference.
24:46
SPEAKER_00: You can say, I know we usually go here, but I would really like to try this other place.
24:53
SPEAKER_00: Or I'm going to go to a festival Saturday.
24:56
SPEAKER_00: I'd love for you to come, but I'm going to go either way.
24:58
SPEAKER_00: Or I'm taking an hour for myself this afternoon.
25:01
SPEAKER_00: So I'm not going to take any calls, but I'll be available after that.
25:05
SPEAKER_00: I'm taking an hour for myself this afternoon, so I'm not going to be answering my phone, but I will be available after that.
25:11
SPEAKER_00: You don't need a dramatic speech every time you make a choice.
25:15
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you just need to give your own answer the same respect that you would give someone else's answer.
25:21
SPEAKER_00: I mean, what if somebody else told you that?
25:23
SPEAKER_00: How would you react to them?
25:25
SPEAKER_00: And yes, sometimes compromise will still be necessary, of course.
25:28
SPEAKER_00: The point is that compromise should include you in the equation.
25:33
SPEAKER_00: If your preference is never even stated, it cannot be part of the conversation.
25:38
SPEAKER_00: So I have an exercise for you this weekend.
25:40
SPEAKER_00: I'd like you to take out your phone or a piece of paper and make three short lists.
25:44
SPEAKER_00: The first list is things I used to enjoy.
25:47
SPEAKER_00: Don't worry about what, don't worry about whether or not they still fit.
25:51
SPEAKER_00: Just remember what you used to enjoy.
25:53
SPEAKER_00: Go back to when you were a kid, however old you are.
25:55
SPEAKER_00: Go back to the beginning.
25:57
SPEAKER_00: What did you like to do when you were a kid?
25:58
SPEAKER_00: What'd you like to do when you're a teenager?
25:59
SPEAKER_00: What'd you like to do in your 20s, your 30s, whatever?
26:02
SPEAKER_00: And then just list them.
26:04
SPEAKER_00: There's no good, bad.
26:06
SPEAKER_00: Yes, I can.
26:07
SPEAKER_00: No, I can't.
26:07
SPEAKER_00: Just list them.
26:08
SPEAKER_00: The second list is going to be what are the things I'm curious about now?
26:13
SPEAKER_00: Now, these can be really tiny, like a place you'd like to visit, or a topic you'd like to learn, maybe a kind of music you'd like to hear live, or even learn to play, or an art project you'd like to learn how to do, or a home improvement project you'd like to learn how to do.
26:28
SPEAKER_00: The third list is going to be one thing I could actually choose this week.
26:33
SPEAKER_00: Now, this is where we start to get practical in this approach to getting back to you.
26:39
SPEAKER_00: You don't need to book a retreat or reinvent your entire career necessarily.
26:44
SPEAKER_00: Just choose something that you have the time, the access, and the resources to do.
26:50
SPEAKER_00: And chances are you have something you could do for five or 10 minutes.
26:53
SPEAKER_00: I know everybody's going, well, I don't have any time this weekend, but I bet you if you really want to do something, you can find five, 10, 15 minutes to explore something.
27:01
SPEAKER_00: It's going to be gardening.
27:02
SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's going to be calling somebody you missed or going to the bookstore or walking somewhere new, sitting with a coffee and reading for 20 minutes without any purpose or trying to be productive.
27:14
SPEAKER_00: And then when you make that choice, I want you to notice do you immediately explain it away?
27:19
SPEAKER_00: Do you think of five other things you should be doing first?
27:23
SPEAKER_00: This is a woman thing.
27:24
SPEAKER_00: This is 100% a woman thing.
27:25
SPEAKER_00: We so often we're like, oh, I'd really like to do this.
27:27
SPEAKER_00: We sit down and we think, oh, well, I should be doing this.
27:29
SPEAKER_00: I should change the laundry.
27:31
SPEAKER_00: I should be running to the grocery store, but no, I'm gonna make myself sit down here.
27:35
SPEAKER_00: And here's what I'm getting at, okay?
27:37
SPEAKER_00: You're not alone if those things go through your head.
27:39
SPEAKER_00: And it might be uncomfortable and kind of foreign to some of you at first.
27:43
SPEAKER_00: It's okay.
27:44
SPEAKER_00: The more you do this, it's a practice, the easier it will get.
27:47
SPEAKER_00: And do you wait for someone else to agree that it's worthwhile?
27:51
SPEAKER_00: Just notice.
27:53
SPEAKER_00: Do this without judgment.
27:55
SPEAKER_00: Then notice what happens when you make that choice.
27:57
SPEAKER_00: Are you immediately justifying or explaining it away?
28:02
SPEAKER_00: Do you think of five other things you should do?
28:04
SPEAKER_00: You know, like, oh, I should be changing the laundry.
28:07
SPEAKER_00: I shouldn't be sitting here, I should finish that lead magnet I was working on, I should do the dishes, I should go touch up my roots, I should, whatever.
28:17
SPEAKER_00: Are those the things that go through your mind?
28:19
SPEAKER_00: Or do you feel like you should wait for someone else to agree that it's okay and it's worthwhile for you to do this?
28:27
SPEAKER_00: Just notice.
28:29
SPEAKER_00: Don't judge yourself about this.
28:30
SPEAKER_00: Just notice.
28:31
SPEAKER_00: That becomes data.
28:32
SPEAKER_00: That reaction tells you something about how long you've been leaving yourself out of the decisions.
28:39
SPEAKER_00: You are allowed to be a person in your own life.
28:42
SPEAKER_00: Now, I care deeply about showing up for all the people that I love.
28:47
SPEAKER_00: This is just who I am.
28:49
SPEAKER_00: It includes my clients, includes every listener, and it's just who I am.
28:53
SPEAKER_00: I'm also a person, though, with a lot of interests and questions and a life of my own.
29:00
SPEAKER_00: Both things can be true at the same time.
29:02
SPEAKER_00: You can be a devoted, loving parent, partner, friend, caregiver, uh, business owner, and all the other things and still ask yourself, what do I want?
29:14
SPEAKER_00: You can enjoy time with other people and enjoy your own company as well.
29:19
SPEAKER_00: You can honor the person you have been and still be curious about who you are becoming.
29:24
SPEAKER_00: So if you felt a little disconnected from yourself, I'm not going to tell you to find your purpose by next Tuesday.
29:30
SPEAKER_00: I'll ask you to start smaller than that.
29:33
SPEAKER_00: Pay attention.
29:35
SPEAKER_00: When something catches your interest, let yourself have a preference.
29:39
SPEAKER_00: When a reasonable opportunity comes along, try choosing it.
29:43
SPEAKER_00: So this week's reset, write down one thing that you used to enjoy, one thing you're curious about right now, and one thing that you can choose for yourself this week.
29:54
SPEAKER_00: Do the third thing, even if it's small.
29:57
SPEAKER_00: So I'll leave you with this.
29:59
SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself, where is my life?
30:02
SPEAKER_00: Where in my life have I stopped asking what I want because I became so good at answering what everybody else needs.
30:11
SPEAKER_00: If this conversation and if this conversation has resonated with you, I would love to hear what you chose.
30:17
SPEAKER_00: Come tell us in the free Facebook group, Limitless Living for Women Who Are Becoming.
30:22
SPEAKER_00: You can share that small, you can share the small choice you're making this week and maybe give another woman an idea that she might want to try.
30:30
SPEAKER_00: And maybe give another woman a good idea.
30:33
SPEAKER_00: You can find the link to join the group as well as a free reset guide on my website, Fredericadavis.com.
30:39
SPEAKER_00: I'll leave it in the show notes.
30:41
SPEAKER_00: If you have not given the show a review, I sure would love it if you would.
30:44
SPEAKER_00: It helps other women find the show.
30:47
SPEAKER_00: And if you know somebody else who needs a little reminder that it's okay to take time for herself, send her the show.
30:54
SPEAKER_00: Share it.
30:55
SPEAKER_00: Thanks so much for spending part of your Saturday with me.
30:58
SPEAKER_00: Be rooted, be resilient, and be limited.
31:01
SPEAKER_00: Thanks so much for spending part of your time with me today.
31:04
SPEAKER_00: Be rooted, be real and until next time, be rooted, be resilient, and be limitless.