Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #311 I'll Do Better Tomorrow

Transcript

#311 I'll Do Better Tomorrow · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Now, what I love about the way you and I
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: work is just looking for ways that we can serve
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: each other.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, My mum
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: and Dad could.
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  Speaker 3: They were Justin and Kyliekilson, where the parents has six daughters.
• 0:24
  Speaker 3: I know that we're supposed to be used to saying that,
• 0:25
  Speaker 3: but every now and again I kind of go, it
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  Speaker 3: is a lot, isn't it.
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  Speaker 4: I don't feel like it is. I think that it
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  Speaker 4: really is.
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  Speaker 2: But I feel like if my body could have done it,
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  Speaker 2: I would have done it cheaper by the dozen.
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  Speaker 3: I don't know if twelve was ever on the cards,
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  Speaker 3: I could ever, I could have probably played around the
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  Speaker 3: number of ten. But I didn't want to be a
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  Speaker 3: dad at like sixty. We're still raising teenagers at sixty
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  Speaker 3: five or something like that.
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  Speaker 4: Well, now that.
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  Speaker 2: We're in the position we're in, I'm really glad we
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  Speaker 2: stopped at six.
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  Speaker 4: Yes, I'm getting tired.
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  Speaker 3: So where are we what I'm supposed to mention some
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  Speaker 3: other stuff? Oh, that's right. I'm the founder of Happy
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  Speaker 3: Families dot com, dot you and I've written some books
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  Speaker 3: about making families happy. So it's the end of week
• 1:02
  Speaker 3: one of school and this is our Older, Better Tomorrow
• 1:05
  Speaker 3: episode at the end of every week. For those of
• 1:06
  Speaker 3: you who are new to the podcast, Fridays are our
• 1:08
  Speaker 3: day where we kind of get a bit personal. We
• 1:10
  Speaker 3: talk about what's worked or what hasn't, how we can
• 1:13
  Speaker 3: be more intentional as parents. But we also promised earlier
• 1:16
  Speaker 3: in the week that we were going to do a
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  Speaker 3: quick review of the school holidays, so I thought it
• 1:22
  Speaker 3: was probably worth just spending a minute on that. I
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  Speaker 3: hope your holidays were nice. I hope it went well ours.
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  Speaker 3: What would you say about our holidays?
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  Speaker 2: Well, my number one take home from holidays this time
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  Speaker 2: around is just don't plan our holiday.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, just don't bother.
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  Speaker 2: Lockdown every holidays without fail, and lockdown is announced. It's
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  Speaker 2: almost like they don't trust us to be able to
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  Speaker 2: live life when we're not doing routine.
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  Speaker 3: Really bad timing gift and what made the timing even
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  Speaker 3: more challenging for us. So we're in Queensland, I mean
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  Speaker 3: New South Wales really copped it. It's got to be
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  Speaker 3: a tough time to be in New South Wales at
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  Speaker 3: the moment. Fortunately for New South Wales they've done well
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  Speaker 3: with the state of origin in the football. That's probably
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  Speaker 3: the only shining light in their lives right now, because
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  Speaker 3: these lockdowns just they're so horrible and for anyone who
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  Speaker 3: owns a business, it's just it's the worst. I feel
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  Speaker 3: so bad every time there's a lockdown for anyone who
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  Speaker 3: owns a cafe, or as a hairdresser or running a florist,
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  Speaker 3: or imagine being an event planner or something like that.
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  Speaker 3: Such a tough time. Anyway, that's not what the podcasts about.
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  Speaker 3: But we had the Brisbane lockdown, and a couple of
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  Speaker 3: days before lockdown began, your sister, her husband and their
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  Speaker 3: five kids came to our place so that they could
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  Speaker 3: spend their holidays. They have ten hours west out in
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  Speaker 3: the back of woo book and they came in to
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  Speaker 3: spend time being in the big smoke and having some
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  Speaker 3: time with everybody.
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  Speaker 5: Out with all their friends.
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  Speaker 2: It was a lockdown and they got stuck with us
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  Speaker 2: for three solid days.
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  Speaker 3: Oh my goodness. How bad is that for timing? And
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  Speaker 3: it rained well.
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  Speaker 2: I actually think I dealt with that very well. We
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  Speaker 2: couldn't go camping. You put the tilt up in the
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  Speaker 2: living room. Our ten men tent went up in our
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  Speaker 2: living room. Yeah, there's no room for anything else.
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  Speaker 3: We're tiptoeing around the edges of the rooms we get
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  Speaker 3: from one side to the other. And the kids, the
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  Speaker 3: kids barely used it.
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  Speaker 4: They did barely use it. But we know what I loved.
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  Speaker 4: They made the bed every morning.
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  Speaker 5: It was perfect inside that tent.
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  Speaker 3: I can't believe it. It was so bizarre.
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  Speaker 5: It was cleaner than their bedrooms are ever ever.
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  Speaker 3: Ever, so we dealt with having an extra seven bodies
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  Speaker 3: in our house for three days in the pouring rain
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  Speaker 3: during a Brisbane lockdown. Holidays were fantastic. Unfortunately there was
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  Speaker 3: more than three days of school holidays but wow, is
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  Speaker 3: there anything else we should mention? Oh? In the podcast.
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  Speaker 3: Across the holidays, we kept short episodes. Hey, we would
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  Speaker 3: love your feedback on that. By the way, if you
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  Speaker 3: caught up with those short episodes, how did you like
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  Speaker 3: it the six minute or five minute podcast rather than
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  Speaker 3: what do we normally do fifteen or so? We'd love
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  Speaker 3: to get your feedback. Podcasts at happy families dot com
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  Speaker 3: dot I let us know what you think. Do you
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  Speaker 3: like it when we are short and sharp or do
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  Speaker 3: you like it when we sort of slow things down
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  Speaker 3: and have a bit of fun. We'd love your feedback
• 3:57
  Speaker 3: on how we can make the podcast better. But in
• 4:00
  Speaker 3: one of those podcast episodes, we talked about doing hard things,
• 4:03
  Speaker 3: and so during the holidays we decided to do at
• 4:05
  Speaker 3: least one hard thing.
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  Speaker 2: Well, we've talked about Emily climbing our walls, like literally
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  Speaker 2: climbing our walls in the hallway, and so we thought
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  Speaker 2: that rock climbing might.
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  Speaker 5: Give her a little bit more of a challenge.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, because she's literally touching her head on our ceiling
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  Speaker 2: in the hallway.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, so she kind of does the Spider Man thing.
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  Speaker 3: She puts one hand on either wall and then one
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  Speaker 3: leg on either wall and literally climbs up the walls,
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  Speaker 3: does it in the door frames, and does it in
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  Speaker 3: the hallway where she can reach both sides.
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  Speaker 2: And so you took the kids along to do some
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  Speaker 2: rock climbing, and they're in these big warehouses like two
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  Speaker 2: stories high. Some of these rock.
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  Speaker 3: Walls I reckon more I reckon. The big ones are
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  Speaker 3: like three stories high. This is huge.
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  Speaker 5: And she scaled it.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, put the caribeaner on the rope and just straight
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  Speaker 3: up and then she was.
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  Speaker 2: On that autobilat and she literally just let go jumped off.
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  Speaker 2: I was thinking this would be hard for her, and
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  Speaker 2: she up.
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  Speaker 3: It's really great. You take the kids somewhere like this
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  Speaker 3: indoor rock climbing center and you just watch them go
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  Speaker 3: for it, and they explore their limits, they find out
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  Speaker 3: what they're comfortable with, they push themselves past their previously
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  Speaker 3: defined boundaries, and they really feel a sense of achievement,
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  Speaker 3: a sense of satisfaction. It's so so great. I'm not
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  Speaker 3: suggesting that every family should go in and visit an
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  Speaker 3: indoor rock climbing center, but it's those kinds of activities
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  Speaker 3: that get the kids outside of the living room and
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  Speaker 3: outside of the four walls of the house, that give
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  Speaker 3: them the chance to explore. And the best thing about
• 5:32
  Speaker 3: an activity like that, they slept really well that night.
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  Speaker 4: They haven't stopped complaining about how.
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  Speaker 3: The delayed on set muscle soreness. The doms hit them
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  Speaker 3: really hard, and they were for several days. They're like, oh,
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  Speaker 3: I can't lift my arms.
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  Speaker 4: It was a little bit quiet in the house for
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  Speaker 4: the next few days, wasn't it.
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  Speaker 3: So anyway, I'll do better tomorrow. We need to talk
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  Speaker 3: about our learnings our insights, our inspirations, the things we've
• 5:54
  Speaker 3: done wrong or the things we've done right. Let's do
• 5:56
  Speaker 3: that right after the break. It's the Happy Families Podcast.
• 6:00
  Speaker 6: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having
• 6:03
  Speaker 6: to feel bad or in trouble. The do's and don'ts
• 6:05
  Speaker 6: of discipline as a webinar to help parents set limits
• 6:08
  Speaker 6: with love, compassion and humanity. Find it now at happy
• 6:11
  Speaker 6: families dot com dot au slash shop.
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for the time
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now, and today we
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: are talking about the things that we've learned over the
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  Speaker 2: last week or so.
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  Speaker 3: Okay, you're me first, I'll go. Let's hear it ladies
• 6:25
  Speaker 3: before gentlemen.
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  Speaker 2: We've talked before on the podcast about this idea of
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: mental load and how as mothers often we carry a
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: huge part of that mental load, the cognitive load, dealing
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  Speaker 2: with the day to day runnings of the house.
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  Speaker 3: And the research would really suggest that that's the way
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  Speaker 3: it is. Mums are the ones that know when everyone
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  Speaker 3: has a birthday and who's going to get what for
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  Speaker 3: a gift, and what day's library day and tuch shop
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  Speaker 3: Day and all that sort of stuff. It's really mums
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  Speaker 3: run the house as a general rule.
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  Speaker 2: And I would agree I do all of those things
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  Speaker 2: and you don't really have much input in those areas well.
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  Speaker 3: I feel like I need to defend myself a little bit.
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  Speaker 4: You don't because I'm about to.
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  Speaker 5: I'm about to defend.
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  Speaker 3: You really, yes, okay.
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  Speaker 2: So one of the things that we've done in our
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  Speaker 2: unspoken split up.
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  Speaker 3: The division of labor.
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  Speaker 4: Labor.
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  Speaker 2: I don't like making phone calls. I don't like talking
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  Speaker 2: to people in a call center, or I don't.
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  Speaker 3: Like talking to anybody on the phone.
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  Speaker 5: No, I don't. Yeah, that's right.
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  Speaker 2: And so you have just taken it upon yourself to
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  Speaker 2: make all of the appointments. If we've got to have
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  Speaker 2: the pest on, or if we've got to engage a trade.
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  Speaker 3: E mom has got to come in and fix a
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  Speaker 3: leak or something like that.
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  Speaker 4: You do all of that.
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  Speaker 2: The other day we were talking about the fireplace and
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  Speaker 2: how it seems to be struggling a bit.
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  Speaker 5: You were struggling to light the fire in a few days.
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  Speaker 3: No, I definitely need to defend myself here. I was,
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  Speaker 3: you know, how to light a fire?
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  Speaker 2: A fire for the last five years they've owned one,
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  Speaker 2: but the fire was really struggling, and I just had
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  Speaker 2: this kind of thought that maybe it would be a
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  Speaker 2: good idea.
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  Speaker 5: To clean the chimney.
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  Speaker 2: But I didn't know like chimney sweeps, all right, everybody's seen.
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  Speaker 3: I'm not thinking Mary Poppin, Mary Poppin.
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  Speaker 5: And I'm thinking Bert's out there with this chimney.
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  Speaker 3: Sweep one hundred years ago, not in twenty twenty one.
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  Speaker 4: But I've never heard of one either.
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  Speaker 2: So anyway, you were in the office and you were working,
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  Speaker 2: and I was like.
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  Speaker 5: I wonder whether or not chimneys actually need to be cleaned.
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  Speaker 4: So I did a bit of a google.
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  Speaker 2: I realized that they reckon you're supposed to do it
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  Speaker 2: every twelve months.
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  Speaker 3: Wow.
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  Speaker 6: Wow.
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  Speaker 2: So I was like, oh my goodness. We've been in
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  Speaker 2: the house for like nearly five years. We don't use
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  Speaker 2: the fireplace very much.
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  Speaker 3: We live in Queensland.
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  Speaker 2: But I decided that I would send you the phone
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  Speaker 2: number so that you could make the phone call.
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  Speaker 3: You never sent me the text message, but I.
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  Speaker 2: Didn't because I decided that I could probably put on
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  Speaker 2: my big girl pants and try.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: So I made a phone call and I rang and
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  Speaker 2: he came the next day amazing, and you didn't have
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  Speaker 2: to think about anything.
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  Speaker 3: Some bloke was just knocking on my door at seven
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  Speaker 3: o'clock saying, I'm here to clean the chimney.
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  Speaker 2: I'm like, and I just felt I felt really proud
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  Speaker 2: of myself. So it's such a minor thing, but it's
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  Speaker 2: something that interrupts your day regularly.
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  Speaker 4: When I say to you, can you make sure that
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  Speaker 4: you organize.
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  Speaker 2: Blah blah blah, and I could do it, I just
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  Speaker 2: it's not something that I love doing, so I don't.
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  Speaker 3: Well, I really appreciate you doing that. I I wasn't
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  Speaker 3: aware that it was a big deal for you. I
• 9:21
  Speaker 3: was really glad that it was done. And I would
• 9:23
  Speaker 3: never have thought most people who have listened to the podcast. Now,
• 9:26
  Speaker 3: I'm pretty non handy, and when it comes to cleaning
• 9:29
  Speaker 3: the chimney, I had no idea that it was supposed
• 9:31
  Speaker 3: to be done.
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  Speaker 2: Well, he said that it looked like it probably hadn't
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: been done for about ten years, and he said, next time,
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  Speaker 2: we might want to just leave it maybe three years max.
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  Speaker 2: Because we don't use it very often at all.
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  Speaker 3: All right, Well, well, I appreciate you doing that. So
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  Speaker 3: the take home message, what's our take home message for
• 9:46
  Speaker 3: I'll do but it tomorrow.
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: I just what I love about the way you and
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: I work is just looking for ways that we can
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: serve each other. And this was such a simple thing
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: that I could do that you didn't even know need
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: to doing, but it would have added to your list
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: cognitive load. Howd I have palmed it off to you?
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  Speaker 2: And the reality is I am a big girl and
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  Speaker 2: I can do it.
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  Speaker 3: I'm so glad you did my old do better tomorrow?
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  Speaker 3: Is not about us, and it's isn't it interesting? This
• 10:11
  Speaker 3: week we've both chosen stories that have nothing to do
• 10:14
  Speaker 3: with our children, and this is a parenting podcast, but
• 10:17
  Speaker 3: it does have to do with children.
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: Well, you talk about this a lot. Parenting isn't necessarily
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: about our children, is it.
• 10:25
  Speaker 3: No, It's about us and our growth and our development.
• 10:27
  Speaker 3: That's right. And it's funny you say that because so
• 10:30
  Speaker 3: we had some friends come over earlier in the week.
• 10:32
  Speaker 3: They had dinner with us, and they've been friends for
• 10:35
  Speaker 3: what do you reckon? Twenty probably twenty five years? Yeah,
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: I reckon we've been friends with these people for a
• 10:40
  Speaker 3: good couple of decades. And while we were chatting, the
• 10:44
  Speaker 3: kids had all eaten and vacated the room. There were
• 10:46
  Speaker 3: just the four adults in the room, and without disclosing
• 10:48
  Speaker 3: too much, these one of her friends have had some
• 10:51
  Speaker 3: really significant challenges with one of their kids. Anyway, I said, so,
• 10:55
  Speaker 3: how are things going with your son? And the response
• 10:59
  Speaker 3: that they gave, Actually it was the mum that gave
• 11:02
  Speaker 3: the response. She said, things are going much better because
• 11:07
  Speaker 3: we're going better. And I just thought, isn't that how
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  Speaker 3: it works? Parenting is not about the kids, It's about us,
• 11:15
  Speaker 3: and when we're going better, when we're aligned, when we're
• 11:18
  Speaker 3: on the same page, when we're setting effective boundaries for
• 11:20
  Speaker 3: ourselves in relation to our kids, especially when they're older,
• 11:24
  Speaker 3: when we're communicating effectively, when we're making sure that the
• 11:28
  Speaker 3: right stuff's happening the right way for us, we do better,
• 11:32
  Speaker 3: which means that we can be better for them.
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  Speaker 5: We've learned this lesson the hard way.
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  Speaker 2: We've had similar challenges to our friends and really really struggled.
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: And what happens when you're in that emotional turmoil is
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: sometimes you actually turn against the one person who should
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: be on your side in your court. And when that happens,
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: everything else is just hard. It's so hard and So
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: that comment that our friend gave we're doing better, was
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: just such a wonderful reminder that the most important thing
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: we can do as parents is get on the same
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: page and work on that relationship together, because that's how
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: we are able to put our best foot forward for
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  Speaker 2: our kids.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, things are going better because we're doing better. Parenting
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  Speaker 3: is not about the kids. It's about us. The outcome
• 12:17
  Speaker 3: or the product of parenting is the parent, not the children.
• 12:21
  Speaker 3: And what's really interesting in their circumstance is that the
• 12:24
  Speaker 3: whole relationship is improved and their son is actually even
• 12:27
  Speaker 3: doing better. Why because there's a lot less pressure from
• 12:30
  Speaker 3: them on him because they're doing better, and they've learned
• 12:33
  Speaker 3: to lighten up, let go let him make his own choices.
• 12:37
  Speaker 3: And they've realized at some point, as a parent, you
• 12:40
  Speaker 3: stop being responsible for your child and they just have
• 12:43
  Speaker 3: to be responsible for themselves in their own decisions. And
• 12:45
  Speaker 3: when you get to that point, there's a terrible grieving
• 12:47
  Speaker 3: that goes on. There's a painful separation that occurs. There's
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: all sorts of internal challenges that we face as parents
• 12:53
  Speaker 3: to get there. But once we get there, all of
• 12:56
  Speaker 3: a sudden, we experience a sense of freedom that allows
• 12:59
  Speaker 3: us to be better people, and suddenly we draw our
• 13:02
  Speaker 3: kids to us because.
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: Well, it's like we take the little off the pressure
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: cooker right right, all of a sudden, we've just we
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: give air and life and breath to the relationship and
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: allow things to just occur as they need to, as
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: opposed to trying to force situations the way we want
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: them to be.
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  Speaker 3: So that's my i'ld do better tomorrow. Let's make sure
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  Speaker 3: that we're doing well so that we can be well
• 13:25
  Speaker 3: for our kids, and they'll do better because we're doing.
• 13:28
  Speaker 5: Well, We're always better together.
• 13:30
  Speaker 3: We really hope that you've enjoyed the podcast. Thanks so
• 13:32
  Speaker 3: much for listening to the Happy Families podcast, Kylie and
• 13:34
  Speaker 3: I really do appreciate you being here. If you enjoy
• 13:37
  Speaker 3: what you hear, please visit us or visit Apple Podcasts
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: I should say, and leave us a five star rating
• 13:42
  Speaker 3: and reviews so other people can find out about the
• 13:44
  Speaker 3: podcasts and make their family happier. The podcast is produced
• 13:48
  Speaker 3: by Justin Roland from Bridge Media and Crag. Bruce is
• 13:51
  Speaker 3: our executive producer. If you like Laura info about how
• 13:53
  Speaker 3: you can make your family happier, you can find everything
• 13:56
  Speaker 3: you need at happy Families dot com, dot
• 14:00
  Speaker 4: It