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A Haunted House Wakes Up, Part 2 · The Harmony Channel

• 0:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to the Harmony Channel, a podcast on creating harmony from the inside out.
• 0:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm your host, C. Rose.
• 0:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much for being here for part two of a haunted house wakes up.
• 0:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: Where I take you on the journey of how I strengthened the vessel of my body.
• 0:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: For the work of clearing my inner ghosts, my heart compass was instrumental.
• 0:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: As well as my children who, of course, are so connected to my heart, it's not surprising they would also be connected to my healing.
• 0:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Looking back, I can see how many times I made use of listening to my heart.
• 0:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was buried under a pile of debris, but it still beat, still pumped with guidance, direction, and unconditional love.
• 1:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: The treasured compass of my heart, I have come to understand, is one of my greatest allies in navigating life.
• 1:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Each time I moved, each time I started a new career path, each time in decision blocked my way, my heart compass activated.
• 1:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: In part one, I shared about coming to a place of uncertainty around my marriage.
• 1:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: When I chose to step closer to my relationship with my husband, rather than further away, my heart led the way.
• 1:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: My heart also knew that for our marriage to fully repair, we needed a fresh start.
• 1:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so, according to my trusty compass, this required finding a new home.
• 1:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: At the time, I didn't understand that my heart compass was a powerful tool operating within me.
• 1:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: I simply called it trusting my gut, which was guiding us toward relocating to a seaside town 25 minutes north of Portland, Maine.
• 2:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now, almost a decade later, I have an inkling of understanding that my heart compass was listening and drawing me toward the land itself.
• 2:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: By the summer of 2016, we moved into a new house, which was actually very old circa 1790.
• 2:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: The property had a newly constructed oversized garage, allowing us to create an in-laws suite for my mom and a studio for me so I could work from home.
• 2:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: The house came with two and a half acres of wooded land, and our neighboring ocean was only half a mile away.
• 2:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: In many ways, it felt like a dream come true.
• 2:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: I never imagined stewarding land so close to the sea, in a town surrounded by fields and farms, so close to the small city of Portland, I felt like life couldn't get much better than this, and not only that, it seemed downright impossible.
• 2:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: As we moved into this house, my career took off with the release of a craft magazine and the success of my online knit pattern books.
• 3:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: I felt incredibly blessed to have received support from the knitting community and was grateful for every single knitter who purchased a pattern download, a book, or a subscription to the magazine.
• 3:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was thankful to the shops that carried the magazine and the sponsors who placed ads with us.
• 3:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: But along with the positive aspects growth can bring, my buried inner wounds started whispering in my ear, causing stress, confusion, and anxiety.
• 3:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: My insecurities flared, and the dark rooms of my life house rattled me.
• 3:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: I became riddled with social anxiety, simple social interactions began to sap all my energy and wipe me out.
• 3:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was better one-on-one, but I wasn't centered so I couldn't truly listen, which led me to say awkward or insensitive comments that didn't feel like they were coming from the true me, whoever that was.
• 4:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: So later I picked apart and over-analyzed what I'd said, and to mean myself for having said them.
• 4:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: The feeling that I wasn't good enough gradually became louder.
• 4:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: My skin was constantly breaking out on my chin.
• 4:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: My night drinking was at an all-time high, further flushing and reclaiming my complexion.
• 4:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: I became anxious and suffered from insomnia.
• 4:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Debilitating stomach aches would leave me bedred in until they passed.
• 4:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: A new shadow began to take over, and my work no longer lifted me up.
• 4:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: Regardless, I continued to work hard, as I felt I had no choice.
• 4:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was fortunate, I had been able to create my own work box to fit into.
• 4:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: But now I felt locked inside it.
• 4:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: There were constant deadlines to meet that felt overwhelming.
• 4:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: Part of me felt trapped.
• 4:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yet another part felt grateful to even have this box at all, so I told myself to quit the internal complaining.
• 5:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: My health continued to suffer as I lived with an overall intense feeling of dread.
• 5:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: I woke up and enjoyed my busy mornings getting the girls ready for school, but the daylight hours felt lackluster.
• 5:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: My weekends, which were so filled with multiple plans and projects, often felt this appointingly unproductive.
• 5:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: The feeling grew that I didn't have enough time to accomplish anything.
• 5:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was slipping into a deep life depression and could not get my bearings.
• 5:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: My lower back went out occasionally, leaving me unable to walk easily or move freely.
• 5:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: This way of life became my new normal.
• 5:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Huge shifts in my health came in the winter of 2018.
• 5:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: The first to take shape happened in early December.
• 5:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: When a ray of light came disguised as a health challenge, but it wasn't mine as you might have imagined.
• 6:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was an issue one of my daughters was dealing with.
• 6:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: My four-year-old started breaking out in what I considered an extreme case of Exima.
• 6:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: an intense itchy rash spread across her torso and parts of her arms and legs.
• 6:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: It took several months to pinpoint the trigger of the inflammation, but after much experimentation with her diet, I finally found the remedy.
• 6:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: When she ate a diet free of eggs, dairy and wheat, her rash cleared up completely.
• 6:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thinking this would be a short-term dietary change, as her skin was in the process of healing, I joined her so she wouldn't feel alone in this medicinal approach to meals.
• 6:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: With the looming question, what can we eat now?
• 6:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: I checked out all the vegan and plant-based cookbooks from the library for ideas, since this was the diet that best matched our new parameters.
• 6:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: In reading these cookbooks, I learned what it meant to be a plant-only eater, and eventually decided to give up eating meat as well.
• 6:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: Many who knew my love of chicken and cheese enchiladas could not believe my decision, but it felt so right, and my body felt so light with the shift in a way I didn't even know was possible.
• 7:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: So it really wasn't difficult once I experimented with the new recipes that I came to love just as much, if not more.
• 7:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: Eating only plants made a lot of positive ripples in my life.
• 7:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: For one, as an animal lover, I feel good about not bringing more death to this planet.
• 7:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: Secondly, as a daughter watching her mother face cognitive decline, I felt that going this route was an excellent choice for my brain health.
• 7:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: And lastly, as a human who loves this planet, going meatless felt like an actionable way for me to fight against climate change on a daily basis.
• 7:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: I continue to navigate what feels healthy for my body and know that what works for me is not necessarily what works for everyone else.
• 7:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: but one of my biggest surprises in eating this way was the feeling of liberation.
• 8:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: I felt free and released from feeling so poorly for so long.
• 8:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: This way of eating didn't completely resolve all my health was, but I definitely felt a shift that was much needed.
• 8:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: This liberation didn't mean it was always smooth sailing.
• 8:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: The diet itself wasn't difficult.
• 8:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was the social aspect of eating differently
• 8:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: Eating a fringe diet outside the box society has created requires a little more planning and maneuvering, but it felt right from the start.
• 8:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: I will be eternally grateful to the soul of my daughter who opened the door to this major life transformation.
• 8:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: I suspect she allowed the skin of her body to become a mirror of the interior inflammation that was unknowingly haunting me.
• 8:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: Her soul knew a path lay ahead for me and she was the catalyst that sparked those first steps to nourishing my inner landscape.
• 8:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Over the years, my youngest has been able to reintroduce dairy, eggs, and gluten as her skin sensitivity has changed with age.
• 9:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: And her decision to become a vegetarian has helped soften my rigidity around the way I eat.
• 9:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: If I had to quantify, I'd say I now eat around 98% plants, including some gluten.
• 9:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: If I'm traveling and options are limited, or my vegetarian daughters want to share bites of food they're excited about.
• 9:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: usually some kind of dessert.
• 9:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: I will occasionally eat a little dairy or eggs.
• 9:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: But most of the time, I'm plant powered and thrilled to be so.
• 9:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Around the same time I became fueled by plants, I faced my addiction to alcohol, another inner ghost that had been lurking in the shadows of my lifehouse.
• 9:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was tired of feeling so much shame around my alcohol consumption, I was tired of the way it made me feel like my insides were rotting out.
• 9:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was tired of being so dependent on something that wasn't good for me, and I was curious what life would be like sober.
• 10:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: I had abstained from drinking while pregnant and nursing, and now was the time to fully come clean.
• 10:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: I had a deep, strong inherent desire to be a good role model for my girls.
• 10:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: and it was this rock foundation of love for them that held me during this time of intense habit changing.
• 10:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: On December 31, 2018, I made a vow not to drink alcohol for one entire year.
• 10:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: I made this vow, and I stuck to it.
• 10:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: And here's the thing.
• 10:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: I never used the word alcoholic to describe myself.
• 10:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: not ever.
• 10:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: I always said it was a terrible, no good habit, so perhaps this helped me in some small way to stick to my pact.
• 10:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know, but from my perspective at the time, I was simply changing my habits.
• 10:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: Even though the act of changing one's habits can be far from simple and far from easy.
• 10:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: And of course, I was an alcoholic and a tiny part of me knew that.
• 10:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: And this was the part of me that wanted more from my girls, not for me, but for them.
• 11:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: My strong will compelled me to begin a new way forward, to live without alcohol in those tempting evening moments after work and before bedtime.
• 11:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: My husband had already given it up, and so I joined him, not sure what would happen when my year was up.
• 11:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: In those seductive evening hours, I grew antsy.
• 11:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: Those hours when I was tired and all I wanted was to reach for something to help me kick back until I potentially relaxed myself into oblivion.
• 11:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: No more was this way.
• 11:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: The change was difficult for weeks if not months.
• 11:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: I noticed a stronger desire to leave our house more often, instead of sitting around drinking, we would walk to the nearby farm or drive to beaches we hadn't visited in a while.
• 11:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: Eventually, abstaining from alcohol became another liberation.
• 11:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: My mind was now capable of more authentically engaging with my girls at a time of day when I was usually fading into numbness.
• 12:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: As New Year's Eve the following year came and went, I forgot about that packed until several months into 2020.
• 12:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: By then, I knew there was no going back.
• 12:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: I felt so much better and worked too hard to create new habits to start drinking again.
• 12:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: With becoming sober, I saw myself do something difficult.
• 12:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: I paved a healthier way forward, and this felt so incredibly freeing.
• 12:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: But through the years, a dark cloud had formed over my art and my publishing work that continued to linger.
• 12:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: What once fueled me now dragged me down.
• 12:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: The love of art within me was dimming, but a new glow emerged from wanting to look and feel and be my healthiest.
• 12:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: I lost myself in my business and my home life and was unaware of how off-track I had become.
• 12:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: I thought I had been working toward what I wanted, but despite small amounts of delight, I generally felt a lack of meaning and happiness.
• 13:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Then I judged myself for this and felt guilty for being depressed instead of feeling grateful to have as much as I did.
• 13:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Why was I not able to fully feel joy?
• 13:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: What was wrong with me?
• 13:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: How could my dream version of myself become more of my reality?
• 13:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: At the beginning of 2020, I was thread bear.
• 13:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: Workwise, I kept thinking the answer was to work harder to push harder past the thick feeling of being drained.
• 13:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: I hoped an inspired state awaited on the other side of pushing hard, but I really wasn't sure.
• 13:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Weeks later, COVID hit the country and lockdown went into full effect.
• 13:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: All the unknowns of this virus were terrifying and the deaths that were happening across the globe were devastating for many families.
• 13:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: I know the virus drastically affected many people's lives.
• 13:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: In our family, we all went through the roller coaster of fear and were grateful to have each other to lean on.
• 14:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: The uncertainty was unnerving of course, but since my husband and I each owned our own businesses, we were able to adjust our jobs accordingly.
• 14:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Undoubtedly, this was a stressful time, but it came with one favorable aspect for our particular family.
• 14:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: Time.
• 14:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: We experienced a slowing of time that was much needed.
• 14:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: This slowing of time was allowing something, allowing the simplicity of being together.
• 14:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was allowing us to hold the fear of the unknown that had raged in the background of our lives, while also holding each other.
• 14:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: I know some people were left isolated, and my heart extends a wide hug to them.
• 14:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: But for our family, we had each other, and we desperately needed to remember the beauty of this.
• 14:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: Having slower days with my family changed something within me, I could suddenly listen more carefully to a sound that I had been trying to come through for some time, the sound of my heart compass.
• 15:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't understand then, but as quarantine lifted, and we tried our best to resume life as it had been before, my intuition came alive with soft hints of another way, a slower way, a happier way.
• 15:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: The work I had done cleaning up my physical health,
• 15:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: a knowingly allowed my sensitivity to sore.
• 15:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: I would stand in the backyard and receive hazy visions as I lifted my chin like a wolf to the sound of the trees swaying in the wind.
• 15:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: I began to see a different place for our family to call home.
• 15:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: A place deep in nature set back from the bustle of the road with acre after acre of wild and wooded land and fields for gardens and animals.
• 15:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: and perhaps the property included a babbling brook.
• 15:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was a bit shocked in some ways, I considered us lucky to live where we lived, but something new was beginning to call.
• 15:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: As the world was moving through heaviness and my craft business began to make big changes behind the scenes, something else in my family's life shifted.
• 16:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: At the end of August, I woke up early as I always did.
• 16:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: I checked my email and found a message from my mom sent at 2am in the morning to tell me that she had hurt her leg and needed help.
• 16:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: I ran over to the apartment and found her on the floor, her right leg looked like gelatin, and was a naturally sticking out to the side.
• 16:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: It looked like her knee had disappeared.
• 16:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: She didn't recall tripping, only standing up to go to the bathroom when her leg buckled and she fell.
• 16:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: We called an ambulance and it turned out that she had severely fractured her femur.
• 16:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: The surgery seemed to go well, but afterwards she stopped eating from feeling unwell and sick to her stomach.
• 16:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: As the days passed with no improvement, my worry began to grow.
• 16:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was beside myself when she was diagnosed with subsys.
• 16:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: I wasn't ready for the possibility of losing her.
• 16:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: Every day I would go to the hospital thinking my mom would be sitting up better and ready to go.
• 17:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: But each day I would discover her condition had worsened or was the same as the day before.
• 17:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: One day, on the way home from the hospital, I cried for my mom who was in a tremendous amount of physical pain.
• 17:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was as if, after all these years, the losses of my brother and my dad made her emotional body too heavy for her physical body to carry.
• 17:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was as if her body and her heart were suffering equally, and her legs could no longer hold the weight of it all.
• 17:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: As I drove, I cried and asked the ethers to save her.
• 17:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Please don't let her die, I begged.
• 17:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let this woman who has endured so much emotional pain in her life die in her sleep, with ease, later, when she's older, give us more time together.
• 17:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: As I continued to drive, tears continued to escape from my eyes.
• 17:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: With watery vision, I glanced to my left at an open field, and in that moment I heard a thump.
• 18:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: I quickly turned my gaze back to the front windshield, and from the corner of my eye caught sight of a small bird dropping to the ground.
• 18:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: I pulled over and became as quiet as the bird, as I sat alone in the car.
• 18:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: What did this mean?
• 18:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: What had I done?
• 18:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: It felt symbolic.
• 18:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: Did this mean my mom was going to die now?
• 18:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: I closed my eyes for the answer.
• 18:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: This accident, this bird death felt more like it symbolized an ending and was not an omen of an actual death.
• 18:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: I opened the corridor, walked onto the street, and picked up the tiny bird.
• 18:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: I held it soft, breathless form in my hands, and whispered, oh sweet little wild bird, I am so sorry, let me bring you to my home where you won't be alone.
• 18:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so I did.
• 18:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: I brought the birdy home and could feel I was bearing more than a bird that day, but I had no idea what.
• 19:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: Something in me shipped measurably when I faced the possibility of my mom dying in the hospital.
• 19:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: something that had been shifting for a while.
• 19:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: The healing I had done over the years was beginning to ask for more of me.
• 19:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: The parts of me that I'd buried were asking to be free.
• 19:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: The part of me that couldn't even bear to look in the mirror asked me to turn and face it.
• 19:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I listened.
• 19:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then I started doing something I hadn't done in years.
• 19:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: I simply looked in the mirror and didn't turn away.
• 19:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: This one small act sparked a flickering light within me.
• 19:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: I had partially stopped looking at myself because I was too busy running a business, mothering our girls, and caring for our homestead.
• 19:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: But I also stopped because I didn't like what I saw, and always sensed disappointment waiting in the reflection.
• 19:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: With an odd sense of missing myself, I now spent longer moments in front of the mirror and was mildly shocked by what I saw.
• 19:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: My face had changed.
• 19:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was older and seemed to be aging more rapidly than the women in my life who were of a similar age.
• 20:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: The stress of my life was becoming very visible.
• 20:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Although I was beginning to take care of my physical health, it was evident I was still not
• 20:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: In some ways, I had gotten everything I'd ever hoped for, beautiful daughters who I loved dearly, a husband who I loved despite our hard times, a house by the ocean in a town I felt that home in, sweet animals that included sheep, goats, and a bunny, and a creative business that was supporting me financially.
• 20:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: Even so, I was not happy.
• 20:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: I couldn't see this with crystal clarity at the time, but for years by this point I had been stressed, depressed, afraid, anxiety-ridden, impatient, hypercritical, and increasingly disorganized and forgetful due to brain fog.
• 20:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was an insomniac, I had social anxiety.
• 20:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Myself confidence hit in all time low.
• 21:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: Our house was messy as I struggled to create order in the chaos.
• 21:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: These imbalances became so typical that I began to believe this was all I was and who I was.
• 21:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: The change needed was deep within.
• 21:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: My gradual weathering led me to see life as a glass half empty rather than half full.
• 21:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was dull but something in me still wanted to shine.
• 21:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: I looked in the mirror feeling all this and stared.
• 21:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: I thought, I don't even know who I am, but I can sense I am more than this.
• 21:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's when I met her, the wise woman, the medicine woman, the old lady who was once perhaps me, maybe she was an ancestor, a past life, or a helping spirit of some kind.
• 21:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: For a flash she came to me as a mirage in my own face.
• 21:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: I almost missed the melding of our images, but I caught it, this double exposure, and stopped to look again, but she was already gone.
• 22:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was shaken for a moment, as I was left standing alone in front of the mirror, alone and aware.
• 22:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: aware in a teeny, tiny way that I had had a glimpse of something new and old.
• 22:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: The residue of the elder presence was still tangible.
• 22:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: This spirit was a leader, a sage, a woman with confidence who knew something far beyond fear.
• 22:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: She knew something deeper, something she wanted to share with me.
• 22:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: Her momentary visit left an imprint like Braille for the blind that I read to mean I was, indeed, more than I had let myself believe.
• 22:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: My destiny of awakening arrived.
• 22:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: Step one was opening my sensitivities by becoming a clearer vessel.
• 22:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: I can only understand this now as a bird looking over the events of my life.
• 22:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: I can only now see that in order to access my subtle body, I needed to strengthen my physical body by cleaning up my diet and becoming sober.
• 23:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: I had no idea that a physical transformation would ripple toward opening a life house door to a spiritual transformation, but to become a house of harmony, which I am still working towards, and will forever be working towards.
• 23:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: I would need the vessel of my body to become strong enough to hold the grief and loss that came next.
• 23:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for listening.
• 23:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you're enjoying the podcast, I'd so appreciate if you would leave a five-star review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
• 23:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I'll meet you back here in a couple of weeks for Part 3, where I continue to face ghosts both inner and outer.
• 23:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Until then, much love, see you, Rose.