Latest / Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce / 96. Loneliness is a CLUE on your Hunt for Healing and Self-Discovery after Divorce

Transcript

96. Loneliness is a CLUE on your Hunt for Healing and Self-Discovery after Divorce · Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce

• 0:49
  Speaker 1: High love.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: Loneliness is one of the most painful side effects of divorce, and not just divorce, but in being in a marriage that's not fulfilling or Connected right, and so the loneliness data out there suggests that young single people, like 18 to 24, for instance or some of the loneliest people in the world and then Newly single people, for instance, people who are widowed or divorced, are also some of the loneliest people in the world.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: So the question is why do we struggle to be fulfilled in relationship with ourselves and how can you change this?
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: Hi love, welcome to dear divorce diary, the podcast helping divorcee's go beyond talk therapy to process your grief, find the healing you crave and build back your confidence.
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, a therapist, coach, integrative healer and divorcee.
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: Join me for a fresh approach to healing grief and building your confidence after divorce.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: In today's episode, we're gonna explore how loneliness is actually a clue about rooms in your heart and mind that you have not explored Either ever in a very long time because they got barricaded for various reasons, and how to explore those rooms.
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: We're also going to talk about why loneliness is actually one of the easier side effects to address post divorce If you do these two things specifically and finally, we're gonna talk about a couple of things I absolutely do not want you to do when you feel lonely, because they will sabotage your progress.
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: And finally, at the end of the episode we are going to have getting unstuck where we read a listener Dilemma to do with loneliness.
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: Let's dig in.
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: Okay, for the purpose of today's conversation, I want us to think about loneliness as like kind of intense on the spectrum.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: Right, because I don't think that vague loneliness is a problem that necessarily needs to be treated right, vague loneliness is like a clue, like hey, maybe you've been alone too long and it's time to connect.
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: Right, we're talking about the kind of loneliness that feels debilitating, that we associate with grief, that we associate with heartache, that feels like I cannot stand or tolerate to be alone.
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: The idea of going to the movies alone or going to dinner alone or traveling alone feels unavailable to me.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: Right, we're talking about loneliness on that level because I think that loneliness as an emotion is a very important clue at all times.
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: But the intensity of the emotion is going to dictate which action to take, right, and how much action to take.
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: So for the purpose of today's conversation, we are talking about super intense loneliness.
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: I was always very grateful post-divorce for my dog because you know, I would just let her sleep in the bed with me and gosh, she just helped me so much.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: Coming home to a dark house, you know what else I would do.
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: Actually, I didn't come home to a dark house.
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: I'd always leave certain lamps on.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: I still do that today, actually.
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: I love coming home to a house that feels kind of warmly lit.
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: So I wonder what some of the little tricks are that you do to feel less lonely and feel, you know, like a little warmer in your post-divorce life.
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: But let's talk about how loneliness is a clue for you, okay.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: So loneliness light is like a clue that it's time to, like, get connected right, go hang out with somebody, have a meaningful conversation.
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: Or it's a clue that it's time to get connected within, right, to have a meaningful conversation with you know God as you understand her, or your wiser self, or to listen to your intuition, or to do a little journaling, right.
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: So when you feel loneliness light, it's like, oh, that's a clue.
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: I'm craving connection of some sort.
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: Let me check it out with myself, with my higher power, with my peeps.
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: Being as heavy, really heavy, is a clue that there's something deeper going on.
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: That probably has to do with a handful of things such as your attachment style, perhaps your identity, and oftentimes to do with how deep your relationship with yourself is Now.
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: Obviously, it's like well, don, wouldn't you expect me to be lonely?
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: I used to be married and now I'm not, and I have some friendships that have fallen by the wayside and everything that I used to do I'm not doing anymore.
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: Isn't loneliness totally normal?
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: Absolutely.
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: We're talking about the kind of loneliness that feels crushing and not missing that clue.
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: So when someone who has an anxious, anxious attachment style gets divorced, and if they have children, those children are now off and away, right we're going to experience much more intense loneliness to do with that anxious attachment style.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: So if you tend to need to be with someone in order to feel well, then that is that loneliness is a clue like, hey, we've got some early attachment style stuff to start healing, to start doing some inner child work, to allow those parts of you that feel deeply insecure and probably unsafe feeling alone, right, notice, that feels debilitating, tells us that there's a part of you, in your mind and your heart, that feels like she is unsafe being alone, and that's not typically true, and so we got to help that part of you understand that she is safe being alone and that's a journey.
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: And one of the greatest blocks I often see for women who need to kind of make that journey from I don't feel safe being alone, I don't want to be alone to oh, I feel pretty good being alone is there's this switch that has to happen around becoming responsible for self soothing, and that doesn't mean solely responsible, right, of course we need our people, but owning that at the end of the day, I am responsible for calling the people or going to the people or asking for help from the people or providing whatever the soothing is for myself.
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: There tends to be a resentment for folks with an anxious attachment style that I know there certainly was for me, and I just find this over and over again with my clients that I don't want to have to soothe myself.
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: I don't want to have to.
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: I feel resentment because one too many people let me down along the way who should have helped soothe me, and now it feels overwhelming to me and I feel resentful that I have to do it, and so that's one of the clues that's probably there for you in the rooms, in your heart and your mind, that you haven't explored or connected the dots around.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: Another clue that really debilitating loneliness could be pointing out to you is that oftentimes we we don't mean to, but we get really over identified with our roles in life For instance, wife, mother, friend, job title right and we confuse those roles with who we are.
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: And so then when you start removing roles like wife gosh I just remember sitting on my sofa I've known I told you this before about like thinking gosh, I feel like less of a person as a single person, and so many people are coupled and so many people have children and all of a sudden I feel like I have very little in common with my peer group and with just like people right and feeling like less of a person.
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: And so when we're over identified with what we do for a living or being a mom or whatever it is, there's a clue there about, like Eek, I probably have some work to do around getting to know who I am at my core, my essence, and not just my titles or my roles that are fulfilled.
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: And so that, of course, is a process, and we're going to talk about one of the ways to shift out of that process.
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: But I want you to, like, do some exploring there.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: Are you over identified with your roles and not have a deep enough sense of who you are?
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: Because when we don't know, when we don't really feel convicted about who we are and what our purpose is in the world and how we're showing up, it's a lot harder to feel a really grounded sense of self confidence and worth.
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: So there's some clues there about that also.
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: The third clue for you about really debilitating loneliness could have to do with your faith, and while I find that you are probably someone who has a faith and has had faith for a very long time, that you were raised maybe with some sort of spirituality or some sort of religion, that for many of us our faith has been largely an intellectual process for a very long time.
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: It's something we've known, something maybe we've connected with at various times, maybe we've had, you know, meaningful experiences in churches or spiritual places, but maybe have not developed a really truly deep, meaningful relationship with God in a way that feels very real to us, meaning a confidence that in my relationship with God that I can ask and feel answered, that I can kind of hear the voice of God speaking in my life.
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: When I say God, I don't necessarily mean I know I've said this kind of off the cuff before I don't necessarily mean like a person with a white beard that's sitting on a throne in heaven.
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: I think it's a much larger concept than that right, but a power greater than myself, whom is actively engaged in our lives, who is here to participate and is woven into every experience that we have, and it is available 24 seven and is always present inside of me.
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: You know, in psychology there's a concept called the self, capital S self, the part of our psychology that is unaffected by traumas, that is unaffected by the pains and the hurts.
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: In a lot of religions there's the idea of the soul or of a wise self or an internal observer.
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: Right?
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: These concepts all intertwine that there is a constant and steady part of us that is steady, that runs deep, that is always available if we turn within and nurture that relationship and that connection.
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: And so I think debilitating loneliness is also a clue for you about deepening that relationship with the part of you that is bigger than the meat suit.
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: You know what I mean your human skin and bones, meat suit that we tend to over identify with, also here in this journey.
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: So check it out right.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: I know for me when I was going through this process, all three of these things were true.
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: I had attachment style issues.
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: I had a relationship with a higher power that I needed to do a better job of cultivating because mine had always kind of been through the lens of what I was told versus what I had really kind of worked out for myself, and I also was over identified as a wife and as a therapist and as a number of things and just felt kind of really lost, you know.
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: So for me I had to work through all three of those layers and we'll talk a little bit later about my favorite tool for working through these clues about rooms in your heart and your mind.
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: Okay, all right.
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: So loneliness believe it or not, it can be one of the easiest pieces to address and one of the most rewarding pieces to address, I think, early on in the process.
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: There are a lot of things about recovering from divorce that take a long time to recover from, but I actually think that this loneliness piece can be kind of a quick win if you have a mindset that's open and willing, right, to take some risks, to take some leaps of faith and open, open, open mind and the ability to have a bit of an open heart, right.
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: So I think one of the most important things you can do to address loneliness there are two is to be a joiner right, be a joiner.
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: When I was going through this, I joined a lot of things I joined churches, I joined a women's therapy group, I joined personal development workshops, I joined Alenon, and I will tell you to this day, some of the people who I connected with when I joined back then are some of my dearest family of choice.
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: Today, like, I am very close with them, have continued to live life with them, and they are the people who, when I am in a crisis or I'm going through something really hard, these are the people I call, these are the women whose wisdom I call upon still to this day when I am working through something.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: And so it was the willingness to join those groups that truly not only did it satiate the loneliness and you know we would talk about things like having a drop in policy, like you know, just being able to drop into each other's houses these women's women took me to the hospital when I was having horrible bouts of cluster headaches in the middle of the night, these women were there for me, and so was there a certain amount of desperation, was there a certain amount of like.
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: I literally couldn't do it for myself, so I had to ask for help.
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, these women changed my life, and so not only did it like fill the literal void of there used to be someone here in this space and now there's not, and so I need people in the space, but it was the things that I learned through my relationships with them.
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: It was the way that many of them, who were maternal figures in my life, like reparented me.
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: In a certain sense, it was the adventures that I went on with them, it was the personal development stuff that I studied with them and worked through, you know, working steps in Al-Anon or studying concepts and therapy.
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: It was the vulnerability, it was the willingness to share my deepest, darkest stuff that is so transformative.
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: So not only did addressing the loneliness but by being a joiner, solve a whole host of things, but the vulnerability, which is the second thing that you have to have in order for this strategy to work, the vulnerability was a massively healing piece.
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: Also, you know we prefer one-on-one therapy.
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: We prefer one-on-one processing of our pain.
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: But I will tell you, sharing in a group has its places and it has its purpose and it is massively rewarding to do group work in this season of life and I learned that both in group therapy.
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: I learned it as a group therapist facilitating groups over the years and I learned it in Al-Anon and many, many other places hugely, hugely transformative.
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: Any place we're having trouble being vulnerable, we're having trouble being able to speak the corners of ourselves in places with safe groups of people, those are places where we're holding back.
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: Those are places where we are still blocking guarding our hearts.
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: We are still resisting self-acceptance.
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: So often when we say I don't want to speak about this in that place because I can't stand being judged, I can't stand people judging me or knowing things about me.
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: Love, that is a lie we are telling ourselves.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: We are our most cruel judges.
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: We are harder on ourselves than anyone will ever be and what happens is when somebody else gives us side eye, when somebody else looks or sounds like they're judging us, what it does is it taps right into our own judgments that we have not transmuted, and any pain, love that is not transmuted will be transmitted, and that's how generational trauma works, that's how generational pain works, and that's how it works inside of us.
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: Any pain that you are avoiding transmuting, it will get transmitted onto your children or through the decades of your life, and so this is my encouragement to you to become a joiner and to do it vulnerably and openly.
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: All right, two things that I do not want you to do when you are feeling lonely and again we're talking about loneliness five and above.
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: On the scale, five and below is like, oh, maybe I've been spending too much time isolating, right, but five and above.
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: Two things I do not want you to do are swipe, right, I do not want you hooking up when you are lonely above a five, and I do not want you actively seeking to numb when you are lonely above a five.
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: When you're lonely above a five, no dating swiping, no Instagram scrolling, no drinking to numb it, no shopping to numb it Gosh, what is left on?
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: No, phoning a friend to vent Gosh, that is the most tempting one.
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: It seems the most benign right.
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: Phoning a friend to vent, to numb out loneliness, that is so.
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: It's so toxic.
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: Love, sorry, not sorry, so, so so toxic.
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: So what do we do then when we're feeling loneliness five or above?
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: Well, there is a really meaningful journaling process that I'm gonna teach you about, actually, in Thursday's episode.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: It's a journaling process that is proprietary, that I made up.
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: I super love it.
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna teach you all about it in Thursday's episode.
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: I called it the loneliness roadmap and it is the next best thing to being in a session with me when you cannot be in a session with me to process through your loneliness.
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: So this would be a tool for you know, getting into those rooms in your hearts and mind that have been walled off or closed off or shut down.
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: But I want you to get curious during your loneliness.
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: Right, I want you to cry, I want you to feel.
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: I want you to get into your body.
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: I want you to dance.
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: I want you to turn on music.
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: I want you to move.
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: I want you to stop the floor.
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: I want you to scream into a pillow.
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: I want you to literally shake your arms and legs so hard.
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: I want you to feel into your body.
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: I want you to write.
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: I want you to call someone and pour out your heart.
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: I want you to connect with someone who can hold you, who is not necessarily someone of the opposite sex.
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: I want you to pray.
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: I want you to write gratitude lists.
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: I want you to get fricking curious, right.
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: I want you to talk to the little girl inside of you.
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: I want you to send me a DM.
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: I want you to connect deeply in some way, not numb and not disconnect what is numbing other than disconnecting, right?
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: So I want you to take big, big action when your loneliness is at a five or above and gosh.
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: This will be a game changer and how long you get or stay stuck in your divorce healing journey, and it will definitely be a game changer in making poor relationship choices moving forward.
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: All right, awesome chat.
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: Let's get into our favorite segment called Getting Unstuck, where we listen to a listener who has written in to ask for some help with something that they're struggling with.
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: All right, today's submission is from Sabrina and she says I've been divorced for three years actually, but I immediately jumped into another relationship because I couldn't deal with the pain and I'm now going through the end of that relationship.
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: So I'm dealing with lots of emotions and scared of being alone.
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: I would love to know your thoughts on when it's okay to date again.
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: Do you have to fight the loneliness to be considered healed?
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: Does being in a relationship prevent healing?
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: Gosh, these are really great questions because the when to date again piece there is a really good metric, a really reliable, good metric there that I want to teach you today.
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: So I was also someone who jumped right into a relationship while I was in the divorce process because, similarly, I had an anxious attachment All the things we've already talked about in this episode.
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: Right, I literally couldn't tolerate being alone, so I jumped in right away to a relationship.
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: I knew it wasn't forever relationship, I knew it wasn't serious, but it created enough soothing that I could stay functioning, that I wasn't just shutting down.
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: I was still able to function.
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: Was it healthy?
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: No, not necessarily.
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: But it's really important that we acknowledge, even if this is for your ex, because your ex probably moved on really fast and you couldn't wrap your mind around that too.
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: Right, there are lots of ways that the mind helps us adapt and overcome certain situations.
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: Now, maybe the difference between your ex moving on fast is maybe your ex doesn't have the intention of healing and getting well and addressing all the things and becoming a better version of themselves, but that's really none of our business, right?
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: I knew I just needed to like put a band-aid on a gunshot wound and that I would get there eventually, that I had a much bigger mission to get to, but I couldn't deal with all the pain at once.
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: So those relationships, those rebound relationships, are doomed to fail Like show me one that succeeded.
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: It's going to be like 0.001%.
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: I'm not saying it's impossible, because nothing is statistically impossible, but it is incredibly improbable.
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: That is going to work because we are, from a law of attraction standpoint, right.
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: We are going to attract the same crap that we had when we were in pain and so, in that sense, immediately post divorce, being in a relationship does prevent healing.
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: That is why because anything that's numbing pain, rather than allowing us to transmute it or transform it or process it through, is just going to delay that pain being an issue.
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: And so numbing pain is a temporary avoidance and, yes, there are times where we are going to choose to intentionally suppress or repress pain.
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: You know that is still a tool that I use, it's a tool in my toolkit today, to attempt, sometimes temporarily, suppress pain.
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: Let's say, I have the worst headache and I cannot figure out which natural remedy I want to use, or I don't have time, or I don't have the remedies on me and I can't tolerate the pain.
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: I'm going to take it.
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: I'm going to take a Tylenol.
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: Right, I'm going to take a Tylenol.
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: I'm going to intentionally suppress that pain and so that I can move on and tackle whatever I have to tackle.
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: Is it ideal?
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: No, but is it fine sometimes?
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: Yes, like am I most of the time dealing with things in a more meaningful way?
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: Yes, great, carrying on.
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: So when is it okay to date again?
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: So I love this question because if we're frequently experiencing loneliness at a five or above, it is not time to date.
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: Right, it is not time to date.
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: And for me, I intentionally took a huge chunk of time single once my divorce was final.
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: Even before my divorce was even final, I spent over a year very single, intentionally and made sure that I had all the pieces in place that I could tolerate that, all the things that I said that I joined, right, that was like, as I got plugged into all those resources, then I was able to tolerate being single and knew that it just wasn't time to date again.
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: So the thing is, is that I don't want you to be all quote unquote healed before it's time to date, because it's just not a thing that loneliness is forever going to be not a thing or that you're not going to have triggers or grief come up down the road.
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: All that stuff is appropriate.
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: It's okay to be in the process of divorce recovery and have a pretty good handle on it all and start dating again, because dating is where we practice working through a lot of these old relationship wounds.
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: We have to learn by doing.
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: We can't just learn and heal in a vacuum and never practice it with an actual person and expect to get to the fullest expression of our healing.
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: We heal in relationship with people.
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: But I want you to kind of think about this scale, about are you managing the pain or is the pain running you?
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: And that's kind of the piece, that's the metric I really want you to look at when you're feeling post-averse pain come up.
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: Are you consistently using tools?
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: Is it reflexive for you to use tools versus numb?
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: Are you using tools more of the time than you're using numbing?
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: And can you see yourself successfully using tools to take the pain from something above a five, between five and 10, right down to below a five.
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: And if you have those tools and you really understand that you are responsible for your own happiness, your own well-being, your own sense of security, that you and your higher power are ultimately accountable, you and your support system are ultimately accountable for how you feel and how you live and what you manifest in your life and you're not expecting someone you're dating to fill those gaps.
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: For you they're like icing on the cake Then go for it.
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: Date.
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: If you're not clear, even if you're not doing it effectively 100% of the time, if you're not clear that you're accountable for your outcomes, it is not time to date yet.
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: So if you're coming from kind of a victim like poor me, I can't do this by myself.
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: It's not fair spot.
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: That's not the place from which you want to start a relationship.
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: So Sabrina says do I have to fight the loneliness to be considered healed?
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: So I think I understand what Sabrina means here fight the loneliness.
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: Do I have to work through the loneliness?
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: Yes, you have to work through the loneliness not to be considered healed, but to be actively healing rather than avoiding healing.
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: So much of our difficulty healing is our fear of feelings and our fear that our feelings are going to overwhelm us so much that we can't handle it, and at first maybe that's true, right, but has that pile get smaller and smaller love as we get better at feeling and processing our feelings.
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: Oh, that's so good.
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: Sidebar, my amazing cleaning crew is here today and we were talking about, like crazy cleaning.
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: You know, when you're in that spot where you're just so wound up that cleaning like whether it's rage cleaning or like you know we're cleaning just feels so good.
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: Guess what so much of that that you're doing, and the reason it's helping is because of the physicality that goes with cleaning, right, the physicality of cleaning is helping you physically process in your soma, somatically through your body, right, and so we just need to get really good at feeling and processing those feelings in a meaningful way.
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: And then just this final question does being in a relationship prevent healing?
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: Not necessarily so much of being in a relationship creates healing if we're really taking responsibility for the feelings that come up and we're working through them, both with someone that we're dating, but also with ourselves, with our higher power, with our support system, with the healers that maybe we've hired to work with us, right?
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: Therapists, spiritual healers, you name it right.
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: So it depends on how you're using relationship.
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: If you're using a relationship to avoid or to numb, yes, it prevents healing.
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: If you're using a relationship to enhance your healing while you work through the things, great, I'm proud of you.
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: All right loves.
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: I believe in you so much Peace.