Latest / Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast / The Only Person I Can Change is Me

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The Only Person I Can Change is Me · Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast

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Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
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There is a lie in relationships that nearly all
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of us believe. When conflict comes, here's what
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we think. If that person would just change, if
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they would get their act together, if they would
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shape up, then this relationship would work.
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There's a lie in there that's destructive, and
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I'm going to share what it is and how to change.
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Stay with me. Welcome to Living on the Edge with
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Chip Ingram. Is there someone in your life who
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just never changes, no matter what you try? Chip
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has an interesting name for that kind of relationship
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that he's going to teach us, and today he opens
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his Bible to Luke chapter 6 to show us Jesus'
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own radical, counterintuitive solution for the
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relationship that just won't budge. We're nearing
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the end of our series called Caring Enough to
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Connect, and if you missed any part of this study,
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you can catch up online anytime at livingontheedge
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.org. Well, now here's Chip Ingram with today's
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message, The Only Person I Can Change Is Me.
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We're in a little series on relationships, and
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I would like to suggest that I'm going to talk
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about a disease that I call chronic relateditis.
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I've made up this word myself. It's chronic.
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relay to Titus. This is the last principle about
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the life lessons that I've learned about relationships.
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And there's a lot of great things I've learned
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and been a Christian a little over 30 years.
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And I didn't learn much the first couple of years
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because I wasn't in the Bible regularly. And
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I didn't do any of the things that all good Christians
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told me to do. And then I kept hitting the wall
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and decided, I think I'm going to get in the
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scriptures and I think I'm going to join a small
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group and I begin to grow. And so for the last
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32 out of the last 34 years, of all the things
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I've learned about relating to people, probably
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overcoming what I call chronic relateditis. And
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it's one of the most difficult things to deal
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with in any relationship when someone, I mean
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perpetually, acts or treats you in a way that
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either causes inward concern or outward conflict.
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Okay, that's what I mean by chronic relateditis.
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someone, usually they're in your network. I mean,
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they can actually be a clerk. I mean, if they're
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really a jerk or she's really a jerk and you
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happen to buy coffee at the same place and they
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treat you disrespectfully and are super negative
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every single time, it's not like you have to
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deal with them too much. But I'm talking about
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those people in your relational network who act
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in a way or treat you in a way that either causes
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you constant concern for fear and concern about
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them or the impact, or it causes constant conflict.
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Let me give you a few illustrations, okay? You're
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married to a husband who's not spiritually sensitive,
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has no desire for God, no desire for the Bible,
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and no desire for church. And he sits on the
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recliner Sunday morning with the chorus light
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watching NFL football as you get the kids and
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walk out the door to church. And you're concerned
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about his soul and you're concerned about his
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own life and you're concerned about the impact
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on your kids. And you have nagged. and you have
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tried, and you have left the Bible open, and
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you've left the radio on the right station in
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the car, and for the last 10 years, no change.
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That's what I call chronic related titus. or
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you're the husband and you're married to a wife
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who's constantly critical, makes jokes, has these
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little put -downs in public. When you go out
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with people at a dinner or different times like
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this, it's always in the form of joking and jabs,
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but she jabs about your looks, she jabs about
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your work, she jabs about your family, she jabs
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about your background, and everyone thinks it's
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funny, but you don't. And you've talked to her
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about it, and you've told her about how it makes
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you feel, and for some reason, She doesn't get
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it. Or it's the in -laws who are negative and
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critical with every visit, every letter, every
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phone call. When they visit, what you know is
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anything that's not right in the house, anything
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that's not right with your parenting, anything
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that's not right with anything, you're going
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to hear about it. And they do it in this syrupy,
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like we really care attitude that they really
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want to help you. And you know, underneath of
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it is the same old junk you've had for the last
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17 years. And you get a letter from them or a
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phone call from them. And even when they... Even
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when they remotely do things that are positive,
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there's always this little inward barb on the
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inside that pokes about how, you know what, if
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you were a better father, if you were a better
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mother, if you'd watch your house better, you
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know what, you need to keep that clean because
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you don't keep that clean. You know what, this
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could happen. When's the last time you got your
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chimney cleaned out? Because you know the creosote
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down inside. You know, kids, I read something
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in the paper the other day that talked about
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kids that eat those kind of vitamins. You know,
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there's artificial coloring in it and you just
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want to go. And it's just chronic. Or the child
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who's constantly disrespectful even after multiple
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disciplines. I mean, you have grounded them.
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Earlier when they were younger, you spanked them.
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They just came out of the womb disrespectful.
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They seem to be disrespectful. They are disrespectful.
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You think they will always be disrespectful.
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And you have multiple conversations with them,
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multiple conversations with your mate. And you
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just feel like, It's just chronic. What do you
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do? Or the boss, employee, or fellow worker that
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constantly has a negative attitude, is sarcastic
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and cynical, and nothing is ever right perspective.
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It doesn't matter if you just broke through the
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next goals, if you got a promotion, if everyone's
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worked as a team. This person has an attitude
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and a lens that no matter what happens is life
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is bad, life it stinks. They can take the most
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positive situation and they are spin masters.
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They can see the downside of everything. And
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all you know is that every time you're with them,
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you have these little knots in your stomach or
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every time you're around them, you just think
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thoughts like, can't they ever say or be positive?
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There's always just, you know, the sarcasm, the
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cynicism. Even when something good happens, they
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can figure a way to say, well, someone's motives
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probably weren't right and it probably is not
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really true. And yeah, it's better now, but it'll
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probably be just like it always was three weeks
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from now. And you live with these people. And
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so before we go on, I'd like you, because your
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faces are telling me you're beginning to really
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track with me, I would like you to think of who
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is that person or persons in your life, in your
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relational network, that you would say you are
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experiencing chronic related titus. In other
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words, if there's one person that would come
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to your mind right now and you could say, oh
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God, give me a magic pill. And when they look
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the other way, I could give them this magic pill
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and it would change whatever it is, who would
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they be? They would start being positive. They
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would start being sensitive. They would be open
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to God. They would begin to communicate. They
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would, whatever it is, who in your relational
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network, family, in -laws, fellow workers, neighbor,
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is just someone that if they would change. I
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mean, you've talked to them, you've prayed about
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it, you've kind of had the heart to heart or
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you've never had the heart to heart because one
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of the issues is they have anger management issues
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and they blow up. And so you've decided, you
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know what, I've tried that twice and I'm not
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gonna go there again. But if that would change,
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who is that person that you would really like
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to see really change? And if they changed, I
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mean, I don't think this is bad, but down deep
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in your heart, you would say. that would be so
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nice for me. You know, my world, my life, my
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family, my family, my work environment, it would
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be so much better if so -and -so would change
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either this behavior or this action or how they
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treat me or someone I love. If that would change,
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then my relational world would be a lot better.
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Have you got that person in your mind? It usually
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doesn't take very long. And now I want to give
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you principle number eight. And like always,
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I'll give you a principle, a passage, and a practice.
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And the principle I have is the only person I
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can change is me. The only person I can change
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is me. I can try nagging. I can try manipulation.
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I can try threats. I can try yelling. I can try
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the silent treatment. I can try passive aggressively
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paybacking in very subtle Christian type ways.
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to execute vengeance. But when all of that doesn't
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work, what I've learned is when I'm in a relational
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situation that the reality of that relationship
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either causes me deep concern or ongoing conflict,
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the biggest lesson I've learned is the only person
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I can change is me. And if you'd open your Bibles
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to Luke chapter six, I want to develop something
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out of a little bit of obscure text because you're
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going to say to yourself, how does this passage
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have to do with that principle? Luke chapter
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six, it says, in fact, I put in the passage on
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your notes, it says, give and it will be given
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unto you. They will pour it out in your lap,
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a good measure, pressed down, shaken together
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and running over. For by your standard of measure,
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it will measure to you. Give and it will be given
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unto you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken
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together, running over. The idea is, as I give
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to other people in the same measure, and the
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idea of a measure is like, if I gave a cup full,
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I'd get a cup full back. If I gave a gallon full,
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I'd get a gallon full back. If I gave a 55 gallon
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away, I'd get a 55 gallon. Whatever measure I
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give out to others, he says, it'll come back
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to you. And he's using a farmer's or agricultural
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metaphor here because if you want to get more
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grain, brain or more something. The idea, shake
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down, running over. It's the idea that, you know,
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if you shake something, you can keep making more
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room to put more in. So it's the idea of abundance.
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Give to other people and you'll, you know, get
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back. Good measure, not just, but shaking down,
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running over in abundance back into your lap.
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The relational application I want to make is
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that whatever you most need in a relationship,
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the thing you most want from the relationship,
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but are not receiving, give it away. This is
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so, I mean, this is the ultimate counterintuitive
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opposite way. We have a tit for tat mentality.
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I'll be kind to you if you'll be kind to me and
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I'm waiting for you to be kind to me so I can
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be kind to you. I will respect you when you respect
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me. I will do for you once you do for me. And
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what I'm saying is when you hit chronic related
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titus and you've tried all the different ways
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to change this person and he's still on the recliner
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and she is still dissing you in public and that
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kid is still disrespectful and that fellow employee
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or boss, whatever, is still making you nuts and
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nothing is changing. Give them whatever you really
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want to receive from them. I'll give you a list
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in some practical ways what I'm talking about.
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If you're in a relationship where you want more
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time from the person, give them time. Give them
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time. If you want more attention from someone,
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maybe it's in a marriage relationship, give them
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attention. If you need more affection in a relationship,
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ask yourself what in this friendship, in this
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marriage, or in my relationship with My father
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or mother or one of my kids, what does affection
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look like to them? And if what it is is my dad
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or mom's never said I love you. My kids, whatever,
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they're going through this stage and they're
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not very affectionate. My mate is not near as
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affectionate as I would like them to be. Give
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it away. Give and it'll be given to you. Good
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measure. Press down. Shake it over. If you want
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someone to listen to you, you don't feel like
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you're really being heard, give that away. Start
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listening to them in new ways. Start asking the
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second and third and fourth penetrating question
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instead of saying, you never listened to me.
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See, you interrupted me again. See you, not that
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any of you have ever done that. If you want to
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be understood, take a week and say, I'm going
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to be a student of this person and I want to
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understand them instead of expecting or wanting
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them to understand me. If you want someone to
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be more sensitive, be more sensitive to them.
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If you want comforted by a person, Comfort them.
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If you want them to be kinder, if you want them
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to be more thoughtful and give you gifts to indicate
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that, because that's part of your love language
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and you feel like, you know, that happened in
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the early days when you were married or, you
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know, your parents used to be sensitive in some
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of those areas, then give them gifts. In other
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words, whatever you need most in a relationship,
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give it away. Give and it'll be given unto you.
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Good measure, press down, shaken, running over
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back into your life. Now I can, your faces are
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looking at me. This is really wonderful. Your
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faces are looking at me like, you don't get it.
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You obviously don't know the person that came
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to my mind or you wouldn't say something like
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this because that's not fair. In fact, the real
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issue is when I look at who's giving in this
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relationship, this is a 90 -tenner. I'm already
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giving 90 % and I get 10 back. And I get 10 back
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like on not a good day, a good week. I get 10
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back on a good year. And so that's not fair.
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And what I want to say is you're right. It's
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not fair. It's supernatural. The other thing
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I want to do is ask you now in your Bibles to
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turn back and let me give you a little context.
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Where did this verse come from? Jesus, in the
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opening of Luke, has done two things that seem
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outrageous. He's violated the Sabbath two different
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times, eating one time, and then after that,
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he heals a man. And then after that, he goes
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up onto a mountain and he calls the disciples
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to himself. And then he descends down and he's
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gonna give the Sermon on the Mount. And he comes
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to a level place and there's a great multitude
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and there's his disciples and all these people.
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And he begins to teach and he begins to heal
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and he begins to do all the things to meet the
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needs. of other people. And then he gives that
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classic beginning of that message that we know,
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blessed are the poor in spirit, blessed are those
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who hunger and thirst. And he gives those classic
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beatitudes. But when he gets done with those,
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then picking it up at verse 27, he says, but
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I say to you who hear. Notice, I say to you who
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hear. I'm talking to those of you, I just gave
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a sermon. I gave it with my disciples here and
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all this multitude, but I say to you who hear.
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Translation, if you get it, if you really understand
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what I was trying to say. But I say to those
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of you who hear, love your enemies and do good
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to those who hate you. Bless those who persecute
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you and pray for those who mistreat you. Whoever
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hits you on the cheek, literally the right cheek,
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offer him the left. And whoever takes away your
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coat, don't withhold your shirt from him as well.
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Give to everyone who asks of you. Whoever takes
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away what is yours, do not demand it back. And
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just as you want men to treat you, treat them
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in the same way. And I mean, imagine we, you
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know, those are great Jesus words, right? Those
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are, they put them on plaques and Christian bookstores
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and I mean, they sell like hotcakes. Can you
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imagine being in that crowd for the first time
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and having a good developed sense of justice
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like we all have and hearing about how blessed
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you can be if you realize your need, if you hunger
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for God, if you long to be the man or woman and
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you want to follow him. And then he says, now,
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by the way, if you understood what I just said
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about the supernatural life with me, then bless
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those who persecute you. Pray for those who mistreat
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you. The picture isn't just a pacifism. You know,
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Matthew 5, he talks about if someone hits you
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on the left cheek, and most of us are right -handed.
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And so basically, you know, this is, Vicki, be
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careful here. This is Vicki's left, left, left,
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right cheek, it says. And so, you know, with
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my right hand, I have a hard time hitting her.
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So really, this is more of, I'm using the back
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of my hand. I'm disrespecting the person. I'm
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really dissing them. And I'm saying, you know,
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what you think and who you are. And he's saying,
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you know what? Don't allow yourself to get pulled
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into instead. So what do they do? You just turn
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and give them the other cheek. That passage doesn't
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teach that there's never a time to defend yourself
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in light of all the rest of the Bible, but what
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it's capturing is giving the very opposite of
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what the person deserves. Isn't that the thing
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that we can say from all of these? You give the
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very opposite of what the person deserves. And
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this is Jesus' relational model. But then notice
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he goes on because that part of us that's deep
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inside that says this isn't fair, He goes on
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to say, picking it up in verse 32, and if you
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love those who love you, what credit is that?
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For even sinners love those who love them. Verse
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33, and if you do good to those who do good to
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you, what credit is that? For even sinners do
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the same thing. And if you lend to those from
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whom you expect to receive credit. What credit
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is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners
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in order to receive back the same amount. In
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other words, when you're just dishing out what
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other people dish to you, or when you're playing
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the tit for tat game, you're just part of the
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human race. But that's not like a follower of
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Jesus. That's not a supernatural response. That's
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not how relationships work. And then he goes
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on to say, but love your enemies and do good
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and lend and expect nothing in return. And notice
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here's where now the faith kicks in. Your reward
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will be great and you will be sons of the most
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high for he himself is kind to whom? To the ungrateful
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and evil men. We're never more like God and we're
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never more like his son Jesus than we give people
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what they don't deserve. He says that phrase,
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you'll be sons of the most high. In other words,
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people will recognize. I mean, you know. I'm
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with my kids and they act a certain way. Oh,
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you must be Ingram's boy. Or they got all that
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blonde hair and they say, oh, this is one of
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Teresa's kids. Why? There's family resemblance.
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You have family resemblance to God when you treat
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people in a way they don't deserve. When you
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treat them just the opposite, when you love your
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enemies. And then notice he wants to explain
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how God is kind. He says, be merciful or literally
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the phrase is become or show mercy just as your
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father is merciful and do not pass judgment.
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and you will not be judged. And do not condemn,
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and you shall not be condemned. Pardon, and you
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will be pardoned. All of a sudden, God's, I'm
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saying, you're saying, hey, this is not fair.
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This is chronic related to Titus, and this person's
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a jerk at work, and he won't get off the couch,
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and she's not very affectionate, and this kid's
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been disrespectful, and they don't deserve it,
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on and on and on. And Jesus says, do you want
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to break the system? Every relationship is a
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system. There's some sort of, feedback relational
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loop that you develop with people. And it's a
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system. And you have a system going with them.
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And most of us are waiting for this other person
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to change. I want them to change. And so we create
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ways that we think will help them change. Most
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of the ways are ineffective and negative. Nag,
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nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag,
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nag, nag, nag, nag. Now that doesn't work at
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home and it doesn't work at work. You know, or
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passive aggressive. You know, I'm gonna figure
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out how to pay you back in subtle ways where
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it doesn't come out, but you really pay and I
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execute vengeance. That's what unresolved anger,
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passive aggressive behavior does. And Jesus said,
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all those ways aren't how you build relationships
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in the kingdom. You are powerless to change other
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people. Boy, when you get that, I mean, you're
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light bulbs. You are powerless to change your
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wife, powerless to change your friends, powerless
20:52
to change your husband, powerless to change your
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kids, powerless to change your in -laws, powerless
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to change your boss. You are powerless in and
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of yourself to change anybody. The principle
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is you can only change you. I can only change
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me. But when I get my, where's most of my focus
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in relationships? You know, if my wife was just
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a little more of this or that, boy, it'd be a
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great marriage. If my husband was a little bit
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more of this or that, if my kids were, if my
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boss were, if my fellow employees were, you know
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what, even that person where I get coffee, if
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he or she was a little bit more of this or that,
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my whole day would be a lot better. In fact,
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I'm tired of hearing that guy whine every time
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I walk in here. You know what will change that?
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Not waiting for that person, but you changing.
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Give, and it'll be given unto you. You need time,
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give time. You need love, get love. You need
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a friend, be a friend. Give and it'll be given
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unto you. And then notice the dangers, he goes,
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the spiritual rationale is be merciful and don't
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judge because a lot of that too is we don't know
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what's going on inside of people, do we? I mean,
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do we really know what's going on inside of that
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clerk or what's really going on inside even your
21:58
mate or that disrespectful kid? See, we judge
22:01
and come to conclusions and we assume our perspective
22:05
is the perspective. I actually have a little
22:07
three by five card because I'm so bad at this.
22:10
Especially if you have some spiritual gift in
22:13
the area of discernment, then what you think
22:16
is, you can read people. I mean, I know what's
22:21
going on. I mean, I'm sitting down with my wife.
22:23
I know exactly what she's thinking. She actually
22:25
has a phrase for that when I come out with. that
22:29
tone of voice that knows exactly what she's thinking.
22:31
She looks at me in her quiet, lovely little blonde
22:34
hair and steel blue eyes and says, you can't
22:36
read my mind and you don't know what I'm thinking.
22:39
So please don't interrupt me and really listen
22:41
to what I'm actually saying. I know it's a hard
22:44
time seeing Teresa do that, believe me. She'd
22:48
be sweet on the outside, as we used to say growing
22:50
up, but she's very strong on the inside. And
22:54
I need that. Because see, my tendency is to think
22:57
my perspective is the perspective. In fact, in
23:01
major conflicts, I've learned a little rule.
23:03
I mean, major, major conflicts, whether they
23:05
be at work or at home or with a neighbor or,
23:07
and I realized, you know something, this could
23:10
really go south. Implications are really, really
23:13
bad on this one. I start the conversation by
23:16
saying, you know, let's see if we can't get all
23:19
the facts. on the table and what I'd like to
23:22
do is share my perspective of the truth that
23:26
is not to be confused with reality, okay? I'm
23:29
not saying that how I'm seeing it is reality.
23:33
What I'm telling you is this is honestly how
23:37
I see it and I wanna get that on the table and
23:40
I would like you to tell me how you really see
23:43
it and then let's see if we can put those together
23:46
and I won't assume that how I see it is the way
23:49
it is. And would you just suspend judgment for
23:51
just a little while and not assume that your
23:54
perspective is the perspective? Because otherwise,
23:58
the only response you can have if your judgment,
24:02
your condemnation, your evaluation is the way
24:05
it is, then if the other person disagrees, the
24:08
only thing you can do is become defensive. And
24:11
what's that do? That takes the relationship farther
24:13
and farther apart. The second objection is that,
24:18
Chip, you know, that all sounds really good.
24:19
It's very spiritual. I appreciate that. That
24:22
probably works for you and Teresa. I hope you
24:24
guys do well with that. But what you don't really
24:26
get, see, I've been at this a lot longer time.
24:29
It's her pride. It's her insensitivity. And it's
24:32
her baggage. Look, we've actually been to counseling
24:35
on this one. And we both agree, it's her issues.
24:38
or it's his passive, aggressive, or angry outbursts.
24:42
I'm the one in the family, or in the in -laws,
24:46
we walk with God, see? You don't understand.
24:48
You're just total misperception. You don't understand.
24:51
We are the spiritual people in this chronic related
24:57
titus, and they are the... Pagan, immature, not
25:01
walking with God, arrogant, insensitive, got
25:04
the big problems, people. So I understand all
25:06
this stuff about giving what they don't deserve,
25:08
and I'll try that just a little bit more. Okay,
25:13
so just before you go there, see, what comes
25:15
before the verse really has a lot to say about
25:18
that verse. But you can't stop there, because
25:21
what comes right after the verse often has just
25:24
as much to say. So we're told to do this outrageous
25:27
behavior of showing mercy, of loving our enemies,
25:30
of giving with no expectation of return. And
25:34
if we give, by the way, did you notice this is
25:37
a promise? This is from the lips of Jesus. This
25:40
isn't like a chipism. This isn't a principle
25:43
that someone has developed from the Bible. From
25:45
the very lips of Jesus, it's a promise. Give.
25:48
And by the way, did you notice it's not a financial
25:50
passage? I mean, everyone uses this for finances
25:53
because it applies. This is not a financial passage.
25:56
This is a relational passage. Jesus just talked
25:59
to them about blessed are, blessed are, blessed
26:01
are, blessed are, blessed are, and then he just
26:02
talked about how to treat people in ways that
26:04
they should never deserve. And then he says,
26:06
give and it will be given unto you. Good measure,
26:09
pressed out, shaken together, running over, back
26:11
into your lap. Well, let's just go one more.
26:16
verse or two or three or four, and let's look
26:18
at verse 39 to see out of this radical promise
26:22
he makes about relationships, he says, and he
26:25
also told them a parable. Notice that little
26:28
phrase, and he also. Anytime the author, empowered
26:31
by the Holy Spirit, is connecting what he's saying
26:33
now with what he just said, there's a good probability
26:36
that what he now has just said ties in to what
26:39
he previously said. And so he also told them
26:42
a parable. A blind man cannot guide a blind man,
26:47
can he? Will they not both fall into a pit? A
26:49
pupil's not above his teacher, but everyone after
26:52
he's been fully trained will be like his teacher.
26:54
And why do you look at the speck that is in your
26:57
brother's eye, but do not notice the log that
27:00
is in your own? Or how can you say to your brother,
27:02
brother, let me take out the speck that is in
27:04
your eye when you yourself do not see? Notice
27:08
it's not just that you have it, you don't see
27:11
it. You do not see the log. That is in your own
27:16
eye. You hypocrite. First, circle the word first
27:20
in your Bible. This is what gets left out when
27:22
this is taught. First, take the log out of your
27:25
own eye and then you'll be able to see clearly
27:27
to take out the speck that's in your brother's
27:29
eye. Often this is taught like, oh, never judge
27:32
anyone. You should never evaluate anything. Oh,
27:35
you know, you've got issues of yourselves. Who
27:36
are you to speak into? This doesn't say you don't
27:39
speak into other people's lives. This says just
27:40
look at yourself first. Look at what your issues
27:44
are. Look at what you need to change. Look at
27:47
what God wants to say to you. And then once you
27:50
do that, okay, now you have a little clearer
27:52
vision. Out of kindness and love, and by the
27:55
way, a sense of, oh, wow, God, you know, once
27:57
I see what I've done and how insensitive I've
27:59
been to you and other things I've done in my
28:01
life, what do I want? Mercy, mercy, mercy, mercy.
28:03
Please don't hold that against me. I'm really,
28:04
really sorry, God. I'm sure, oh, please, please,
28:06
please. When you really get that, guess how you're
28:09
gonna start treating other people? Oh God, God,
28:11
God, I want, I really don't want to treat them
28:15
like you treat me, but this seems really clear.
28:17
If I don't, I'm in big trouble. So I want to
28:19
give away mercy, treat people and withhold what's
28:23
justly due. And I want to extend grace. Because
28:27
that's what you've done. Because I saw the log
28:29
and I thought they were arrogant until I looked
28:32
in my heart. I thought they were insensitive
28:34
and they are in this relationship, but I've been
28:36
insensitive to you. And you know, I got a disrespectful
28:39
child, but boy, you know, Lord, I never really
28:41
thought that my own childhood, my own attitude
28:43
toward my parents could have any relationship
28:45
to what I'm producing. And you see what he's
28:48
saying? Deal with your own stuff first. And then
28:54
notice he, He actually is gonna tell us how to
28:58
go about it. He says, for there is no good tree
29:00
which produces bad fruit, nor on the other hand,
29:02
a bad tree which produces good fruit. For each
29:05
tree is known by its fruit. For men do not gather
29:07
figs from thorns, nor do they pick grapes from
29:10
briar bushes. And his point is, whatever the
29:13
roots are, whatever the genuine roots are, that's
29:16
gonna come out in the fruit, in the behavior,
29:18
in the actions. And what he's saying is, so you
29:21
get the log out, you need to look at your own
29:23
issues, look at the root of your own issues,
29:25
and you deal with that, and then the kind of
29:27
fruit that'll come out in your life, now you're
29:30
the kind of person that can love and look in
29:32
and help others. And then just in case you're
29:34
thinking to yourself, well, how can you really
29:36
know the fruit in your own life? Look at verse
29:38
45. He just sort of out of the blue, after he
29:42
talks about the fruit and trees and the parallels,
29:44
the good man out of the good treasure, literally
29:46
out of his treasury. It's almost like there's
29:48
a treasury down in your heart. The good man out
29:51
of the good treasure of his heart brings forth
29:53
what is good and the evil man out of the evil
29:56
treasure brings forth what is evil for his mouth
29:59
speaks from that which fills his heart. And so
30:03
what I realize is, is that not only do I need
30:06
to give what I want most in a relationship, But
30:09
I'm never more like God when I give people what
30:11
they don't deserve. And it's not fair. It's supernatural.
30:15
But the other thing is the problem is not the
30:18
other person. That's my perception of the problem.
30:22
I'm not saying the other person doesn't have
30:23
significant problems. But what I'm saying is
30:26
the problem in the relational system is I need
30:29
to go first and say, God, what is it about how
30:33
I respond? By the way, the things that you're
30:35
most defensive about, the things that bug you
30:37
the most, the things that just are your buttons,
30:40
I just hate to tell you this, often those are
30:43
the very things that you're in violation of with
30:46
other people. Really arrogant people don't like
30:50
other arrogant people. Really insensitive people
30:53
are really blown away by insensitive people.
30:55
You understand what I'm saying? Often the very
30:58
things that bug you about people, that might
31:01
be one of those little indications that, I mean,
31:04
in the root, down deep somewhere, behind all
31:07
your defense mechanisms and all mine, maybe there's
31:10
something about this relationship God wants me
31:12
to learn to look inside of my heart first. And
31:15
then you say, well, how do you know what's there?
31:17
Start listening to your speech. My speech will
31:22
reveal my heart, the tone of my words. Are they
31:25
positive? Are they negative? Are they words that
31:28
give life or are they words that put down? Are
31:30
they words that frame things? Are they words
31:32
that say I'm the authority, I know what's best?
31:35
And see, you can be really arrogant in really
31:37
subtle, semi -godly type ways. But arrogance
31:41
is just me being filled with me. Instead of living
31:45
in humility before God and realizing God has
31:48
a lot of people that he can speak through, one
31:50
of the greatest signs of humility is being teachable,
31:53
being willing to listen, being willing to be
31:56
reproved, being willing to say, I need to learn
31:58
something. Even in an area where you feel like
32:01
maybe you know quite a bit. So, only person I
32:05
can change is me. The passage is Luke 6, 38,
32:09
and then here's the practice that flows right
32:11
out of the passage. Ask God what he wants to
32:14
change in you rather than focusing on what needs
32:17
to change in the other person and then go to
32:19
work on it by his grace. Ask God in this chronic
32:23
related titus. And you can go back to that person
32:26
that you're thinking in your mind. Ask God, okay,
32:28
I know for sure what needs to change in that
32:30
person. You identified that. But then you say,
32:34
okay, since it's a system and the way I'm going
32:36
about changing it so far, It's called chronic
32:39
related titus. I mean, if it wasn't chronic,
32:41
it wouldn't be ongoing hassle. And it continually
32:44
causes concerns or conflict. And so it's like,
32:49
okay, Lord, nagging, being passive aggressive,
32:53
yelling, anger outbursts, threatening, those
32:57
haven't worked. I think I'll try it your way.
33:00
So I think I'm going to give first to them what
33:05
I really want in the relationship. And then I'm
33:09
going to ask you to change me. I'm going to ask
33:12
you to show me and then change me. Because once
33:15
one person changes, it changes the dynamic of
33:19
the relationship. Now, by the way, this is not
33:21
saying and I'm not guaranteeing that you give
33:24
away kindness to someone who's insensitive and
33:26
do it three weeks. Don't come back and say, hey,
33:28
I gave away kindness for three weeks and it ain't
33:30
working. You know what? It doesn't mean necessarily
33:32
that other person will change. Although I will
33:34
tell you, you will be amazed. you will be amazed
33:38
that as you do that, it really happens. The only
33:41
person I can change is me. I'm powerless to change
33:44
my mate, my boss, my rebellious friend, my coworker.
33:47
But when I change the system, it begins to change.
33:51
And then what I've learned is, is that as you
33:53
do that, in a great majority of the times, God
33:56
starts doing things. I mean, down to little things.
33:58
I've got a little bagel shop next to where I
34:00
buy coffee. And the guy is just the most negative
34:03
person in the whole world. I mean, he's just,
34:07
you know, I mean, if it's a sunny day, I'll probably
34:09
get a sunburn. I mean, it doesn't matter. Hey,
34:11
and I'll walk in and say, wow, you're pretty
34:13
full today. Yeah, full today, but we weren't
34:14
yesterday. I mean, it's just negative, negative,
34:17
negative, negative, negative. And so he bugs
34:18
me. And so I thought, you know, I don't think
34:20
I'm going to buy bagels here anymore. But he's
34:22
got great bagels. So I decided not to go that
34:24
route. So I just decided, you know what? All
34:28
right. You little bagel man. And I mean. I'm
34:34
on the warpath and I walk in and I mean, it is
34:37
just, I want to tell you something. What's that?
34:40
You know, we're always in a hurry. Could you
34:42
wait for just one second? Yeah. You know, the
34:44
last time I came in, that lady over there. She
34:47
served me with such a great attitude, and I just
34:49
wanted to tell you. Well, that's good because
34:50
most of them don't do a very good job. I said,
34:53
you know, that may be true, but boy, yesterday
34:55
she did, and I come here because of the way she
34:58
treats me. And you know what? She must have an
35:00
excellent boss to learn those kind of attitudes.
35:03
By the way, you know what? You go ahead and keep
35:05
the change. Great to see you. I'll see you later.
35:07
And I mean, I got no response for a month, but
35:10
I'm thinking I'm going to win this battle. I'm
35:13
going to win this battle. The last time I come
35:15
in, you know, and every time, you know, and you
35:18
know me, I'm playing this. I'm just, I'm a nut.
35:19
I kind of just think, okay, I'm going to give
35:21
what I'm not getting. I'm going to give what
35:22
I'm not getting. The last time I went in there,
35:25
I bought these sandwiches and I was kind of in
35:27
a hurry and I didn't have time to figure out
35:28
how I was going to, you know, bless this guy.
35:31
And I was having my own issues that day. And
35:33
he gives me this little card. You know, if you
35:36
punch it like 10 times, you get a free sandwich.
35:38
I mean, it's gonna take me till New Year's. And
35:40
so, but I decided rather than be negative, I
35:42
get this. I said, oh, he said, you know something?
35:44
I said, thank you very much, but I always lose
35:47
these cards and I never use them. So why don't
35:49
you just save it and give it to someone else?
35:51
And he puts it down. He goes, what's your phone
35:53
number? I gave him my phone number. He says.
35:55
Don't worry about the cards. Whenever you come
35:57
in, you give me the phone number. It goes in
35:59
the computer. It'll automatically pop up. We'll
36:02
give you a free sandwich. And I said, oh, yeah,
36:04
you don't need to do that, man. It's okay. I
36:06
mean, you have the best sandwiches and best bagels.
36:09
I just like to come. He said, we like to really
36:11
treat all of our commisters well. I want to say
36:14
thank you to you. And I just, I mean, I walked
36:19
out of there and I thought, it took a month.
36:22
It took a month. And it's always good to give
36:26
an illustration on one of those trite kind of
36:28
issues. At the heart of all this, when someone
36:32
is in a chronic related titus situation with
36:35
you, your unconscious response is to start giving
36:38
evil for evil. And it says, don't do that. Give
36:41
good for evil. And then here's the last line
36:44
I'll leave you with. If possible, as far as it
36:47
depends on you, be at peace with all men. Respect
36:49
what's right in the sight of all men, if possible.
36:51
And just remember, it's not always possible.
36:54
Those in -laws may never be positive. There may
36:57
be aspects of very important relationships, but
36:59
you know what you can have? You can have peace,
37:01
and right now you don't have that. As far as
37:05
it's possible. You can say, God, I'm giving friendship.
37:08
I'm giving affection. I'm giving a listening
37:10
ear. I'm giving understanding. Lord, I'm pleasing
37:13
to you. And you know, this other person, they
37:15
may respond, they may not respond, because you're
37:17
not gonna overpower their will, and I sure can't
37:21
change them. Principle number eight. The only
37:24
person I can change is me. So give, and it'll
37:28
be given unto you. Good measure, pressed down,
37:30
shaken together. The practice, ask God in this
37:33
chronic relationship, how do you want to change
37:37
me? And then say, Lord, I can't do it. I need
37:39
your grace. And you just might find you'll see
37:42
some real shifts occur in relationships. You're
37:47
listening to Living on the Edge. with a message
37:49
titled, The Only Person I Can Change Is Me, and
37:53
the end of our series called Caring Enough to
37:55
Connect, Building Bridges to Those We Love. This
37:58
study came from Chip's own hard -won lessons,
38:01
learned over more than three decades of marriage,
38:04
parenting, and pastoring people through their
38:06
toughest relationships. Now, if this is a series
38:09
you'd like to hear again or share with someone
38:11
who needs it, you can always find it at livingontheedge
38:15
.org. If you'd like more encouragement throughout
38:18
the week, follow Living on the Edge on Facebook
38:21
and Instagram and be sure to subscribe to the
38:24
Living on the Edge podcast wherever you listen.
38:27
And as we wrap up this series on building bridges,
38:30
we want to recommend a book titled Not Beyond
38:32
Reach. It's built for the relationships that
38:35
feel hardest to reach. The son or daughter who
38:38
stopped believing. The friend who's walked away.
38:40
The neighbor who's never once been open to church.
38:43
Author Aaron Pierce offers practical, field -tested
38:47
guidance for reaching someone with the gospel
38:49
through authenticity, confidence, and total reliance
38:53
on the Holy Spirit. You can get your copy of
38:56
Not Beyond Reach at a special price today at
38:59
livingontheedge .org slash offers. Every broadcast
39:03
is made possible by friends who believe this
39:06
teaching matters. If you'd like to join them,
39:08
your gift of any amount helps us reach more people
39:11
with practical biblical truth. Give online at
39:15
livingontheedge .org or call us at 888 -333 -6003.
39:20
You can also give through the mail by writing
39:23
to us at Living on the Edge, P .O. Box 3007,
39:27
Sewanee, Georgia 30024. Well, now here's Chip
39:31
Ingram. As we close today's program, let's just
39:35
get on the table. There may be few things as
39:39
difficult as a chronic, difficult, or challenging
39:43
relationship. In other words, it seems like no
39:46
matter what you do, it doesn't get fixed. And
39:49
this person's default attitude, actions, words
39:54
constantly cause conflict. I want to give you
39:58
a game plan that flows out of our teaching time.
40:01
Okay, here's number one. I want to remind you,
40:03
I want you to just visualize in your mind and
40:06
your heart the benefits. Can you imagine what
40:09
would happen if this person's life changed? Can
40:12
you imagine just the difference, not just in
40:15
your relationship, but them and the whole network
40:17
and it may be family or work if this person's
40:20
life changed? I say that because you need to
40:22
keep hope in your mind because God can change
40:24
anyone. Second, this is very, very practical.
40:27
I want to challenge you to write their name down.
40:30
And if it's more than one, write two or three
40:31
people's names down. These are chronically difficult
40:34
relationships. Then I want you to put that someplace
40:37
where you see it and you can pray for them every
40:40
single day. And you're asking God specifically,
40:43
God, will you bless them? Will you encourage
40:46
them? Would you reveal to them all that you want
40:50
to do in them? Third, then I want you to immediately
40:53
afterwards pray for yourself. Lord. Please illuminate
40:58
in my heart, in my mind, anything in me that
41:01
is the problem. Where am I driving them crazy?
41:04
What am I doing? What am I thinking? What am
41:07
I saying? Just reveal it to me because I want
41:11
to change. Then finally, after praying, look
41:15
for opportunities at least once a week. for the
41:18
next six weeks to demonstrate some act of kindness,
41:22
some undeserved act. It might be a note. It might
41:25
be a little coffee card. It might be just a word
41:29
of kindness. But you begin to get your focus
41:32
off of them changing onto what he wants to do
41:35
in you, praying for them and asking God. And
41:39
then if you really want to see something happen,
41:41
I'd encourage you to journal for this six -week
41:43
period. journal the progress. Now, this sounds
41:47
like a lot, but think of this. What would happen
41:49
if they really changed? Why not take this challenge
41:52
and really say, Lord, I'm going to do, as far
41:56
as it depends on me, everything I can. And then
41:59
when you've done that, you can know, you know
42:01
what, Lord, I can't make this relationship work.
42:04
But before you, I've done everything you've called
42:07
me to do. Then you can be at peace. Next time,
42:11
Chip begins a series called Building Authentic
42:13
Community, all about the power of encouragement
42:16
and why it might be the most underused gift in
42:19
the body of Christ. Don't miss the next edition
42:22
of Living on the Edge. Today's program is produced
42:28
and sponsored by Living on the Edge.