Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #900 What Matters Most

Transcript

#900 What Matters Most · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
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  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for.
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  Speaker 1: The time poor parent who just once answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now, it's hard to believe that December has arrived. Pinch
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  Speaker 2: in a punt, punt, punt, pinchon a punk, honey, pinch
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  Speaker 2: and a punch for the first of the month. Slap
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  Speaker 2: on the back seat. Can't give it back. I can't
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  Speaker 2: reach you, so I'm just saying it, which means that
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  Speaker 2: you can.
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  Speaker 1: App I can't slape you on the back.
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  Speaker 2: No, that's right, broken back. I don't actually well, my
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  Speaker 2: bat's you know what. It's better that you don't slap
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  Speaker 2: me on the back, just to be safe. Hello, I'm
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  Speaker 2: doctor justin Courslan here with my wife Marty, our six kids,
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  Speaker 2: Kylie Misshappy Families every Friday. We I think we look
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  Speaker 2: forward to this episode perhaps more than any other. It's
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  Speaker 2: the episode where we talk about what's working in our
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  Speaker 2: family and what's not as we try to get things
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  Speaker 2: right at home. I'll do better Tomorrow is the idea
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  Speaker 2: where we get intentional about our parenting and Kylie, I'm
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  Speaker 2: excited for your story. I know where you're going to
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  Speaker 2: go with this one, and I just think that there's
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  Speaker 2: something revelatory here something really inspiring, not just for every
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  Speaker 2: other family, but also for you. In your story today,
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  Speaker 2: you told me what you're going to share, and I
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  Speaker 2: got so excited. What happened this week that you nailed
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  Speaker 2: that might help families who are struggling.
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  Speaker 1: So Miss nine Emily, She's always struggled.
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  Speaker 2: With food, strong opinions about food.
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  Speaker 1: Food has been a really big challenge in our home,
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  Speaker 1: and for the most part, we've been able to navigate
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  Speaker 1: it quite easily. In the early days, the biggest challenge
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  Speaker 1: was she would actually fixate on a specific food and
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  Speaker 1: eat it so much that she would get bored with it,
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  Speaker 1: and then you had to then go through the process
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  Speaker 1: of trying to reintroduce new foods to her so that
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  Speaker 1: she could find a new food. And that was problematic
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  Speaker 1: in and of itself.
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  Speaker 2: Cucumbers, Like, eventually she started going to the toilet and
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  Speaker 2: it was like she's the cucumber in cu cover out.
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  Speaker 2: That was kind of it, right, Like I was disgusting
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  Speaker 2: the cucumbers salmon, and she won't eat this stuff now
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  Speaker 2: it's so bizarre, And.
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  Speaker 1: We go through these big phases where she just won't
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  Speaker 1: touch that food again for anything, and so it gets
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  Speaker 1: really tricky when we get to that point where there
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  Speaker 1: isn't any saved foods. And I've never actually heard of
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  Speaker 1: the word save foods before, but I got to a
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  Speaker 1: point last week where I just thought, every meal, literally
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  Speaker 1: every meal is a struggle. And she is highly motivated
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  Speaker 1: for very sugary foods and we don't usually have them
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  Speaker 1: in the house at all. But you kind of get
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  Speaker 1: to a point where your kid's not eating anything where
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  Speaker 1: you kind of think it's better than nothing. And so
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  Speaker 1: I had almost got to that point where I just thought,
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  Speaker 1: you know what, if she wants Coco Pops every morning,
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  Speaker 1: I'm just going to give it Go Go Bops every
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  Speaker 1: morning because at least I know she's getting something in
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  Speaker 1: a belly. But I woke up the other morning and
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  Speaker 1: I just had an AHA moment, and I thought, you
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  Speaker 1: know what, let's sit down and actually have a conversation
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  Speaker 1: now that she's calm and she's quiet about the foods
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  Speaker 1: that she is excited to eat, because it changes a lot.
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  Speaker 1: So I sat down with her and I said, I said,
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  Speaker 1: we're having some really big troubles around food, because the
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  Speaker 1: other thing that's tricky with Emily is she's not motivated
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  Speaker 1: by food, So it'll be ten o'clock in the morning
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  Speaker 1: before you realize she hasn't even had breakfast because the
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  Speaker 1: kids get up and get their own breakfast, and we're
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  Speaker 1: having a massive meltdown. And so I said to her,
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  Speaker 1: what foods would you like to have a breakfast? Instant
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  Speaker 1: response cocoa pops and a tellogs like she won't eat toast,
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  Speaker 1: but you'll eat natellatoast. And I said to her, okay,
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  Speaker 1: I said, well, are you up for an experiment? And
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  Speaker 1: she said, like what? And I said, well, what if
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  Speaker 1: we put down seven different breakfasts that you could have
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  Speaker 1: and each day you're allowed to have one breakfast. So
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  Speaker 1: we're actually going to make a breakfast menu. Everything's in place,
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  Speaker 1: and I said, and you can have cocoa pops and
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  Speaker 1: you can have natellatoast, but you can only have those
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  Speaker 1: things one day a week. I said, everything else around
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  Speaker 1: it will scaffold that. And I said, and then the
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  Speaker 1: the experiment is that as you go throughout your day,
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  Speaker 1: Mama's going to keep a little diary of how your
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  Speaker 1: day goes. And she looked at me and she said okay,
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  Speaker 1: because all she could think about was she was getting
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  Speaker 1: the cocoa pops and I get my Natella. And as
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  Speaker 1: the week progressed, it was great because she would get
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  Speaker 1: up in the morning and I would say to her,
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  Speaker 1: what's on the list today, and she'd go and have
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  Speaker 1: a look and she'd be like, Okay, I get to
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  Speaker 1: have Natella toast today, and she was so excited about it. Well,
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  Speaker 1: because she's nine and I give her independence. I didn't
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  Speaker 1: actually oversee Ntella breakfast, but by the time I came out,
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  Speaker 1: not only had she and Natella breakfast, but so had
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  Speaker 1: everybody else, and half the jar was gone, and every
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  Speaker 1: day got tricky. The next day we had wheat picks.
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  Speaker 1: The next day we had breakfast burritos so scrambled eggs
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  Speaker 1: and dice bacon in a wrap, which she was happy
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  Speaker 1: to eat. And the day just went. It was just different.
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  Speaker 1: It was just different. And finally the crux of it
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  Speaker 1: was that you made them pancakes, because that was on
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  Speaker 1: her list for Sunday. And before we'd even.
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  Speaker 2: Reached what ten o'clock horrendous.
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  Speaker 1: It was a disaster. And when we finally got to
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  Speaker 1: sit down with her and talk with her, I said
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  Speaker 1: to her, how are you feeling about today's food choices
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  Speaker 1: and she said, oh mum, she said that was not
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  Speaker 1: a good choice. And so it hasn't been perfect. We've
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  Speaker 1: still had challenges around food, but there is so much
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  Speaker 1: more clarity now for me on what needs to be
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  Speaker 1: in the fridge for her and what she's willing to eat.
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  Speaker 1: And because it's on paper and it's been at her direction,
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  Speaker 1: she's actually more able to meet those needs and open
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  Speaker 1: to having the conversations around how our day is going
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  Speaker 1: as a result of the choices she's making.
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  Speaker 2: There is so much in this right need supportive parenting.
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  Speaker 2: It's everything that I've written about in the parenting Revolution.
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  Speaker 2: You build the relationship, you understand, you provide and support
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  Speaker 2: autonomy by saying what do you think, but you also
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  Speaker 2: develop a frame work or a structure, a way to
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  Speaker 2: move things forward. And all of a sudden, we've gone
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  Speaker 2: from fights every morning about food to oh, this is
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  Speaker 2: on the list, I'm going to do it because there's
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  Speaker 2: a framework, there's a structure that has been self determined.
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  Speaker 2: You've had some oversight because you're the wise parent who's
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  Speaker 2: making sure that you're guiding the conversation, but ultimately our
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  Speaker 2: daughter is making this decision with your gentle guidance to
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  Speaker 2: pull all this together. I think this is a great story.
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  Speaker 2: I guess the next step is how do we move
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  Speaker 2: towards more meals that are going to tick the boxes
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  Speaker 2: that lead to better outcomes, and how do we have
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  Speaker 2: fewer meals that are less positive, less effective.
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  Speaker 1: Well, this is the great thing about the structure that
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  Speaker 1: we've created, because it has opened the dialogue around how
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  Speaker 1: her body feels when she eats foods that are less
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  Speaker 1: than optimal and how she feels when she's not. So
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  Speaker 1: the days where she started her day beautifully has meant
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  Speaker 1: that it's led into a really consciously good lunch and
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  Speaker 1: then float on into dinner, and that has been I
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  Speaker 1: think that's been revelatory for her because she's recognizing it.
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  Speaker 1: We've had lots of different discussions with her around calories
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  Speaker 1: and just how her body works and how it needs energy.
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  Speaker 1: Those calories provide her with the energy that her body
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  Speaker 1: needs because she's constantly moving. But I think this one
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  Speaker 1: is one that she's really able to see the highs
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  Speaker 1: and the lows stretch her food's doing.
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  Speaker 2: Structure builds competence. How do you feel about structure?
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  Speaker 1: I hate it?
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  Speaker 2: Yet it works so well.
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  Speaker 1: It works so well, what's your old do about it tomorrow?
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  Speaker 2: So I'm going to share too, because I always do.
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  Speaker 2: You can't, I can't help myself. But the first time
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  Speaker 2: is really really quick. We're teaching our fourth daughter to drive,
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  Speaker 2: or I'm teaching our fourth daughter to drive, and she's
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  Speaker 2: got hill starts nailed, hill starts. She's only done five
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  Speaker 2: hours in the manual and she is just crushing it.
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  Speaker 2: So I'm really excited for that. What I wanted to
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  Speaker 2: share for my old about it tomorrow is actually not mine.
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  Speaker 2: This week, I spoke to my sister Karina. She's the
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  Speaker 2: mum of Logan, who died just a couple of weeks ago,
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  Speaker 2: which we've spoken about on the podcast a lot. Her
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  Speaker 2: talk at Logan's funeral was just stunning. It was just beautiful,
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  Speaker 2: and I took one thing in particular from that talk,
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  Speaker 2: and I asked her if I would be allowed to
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  Speaker 2: share it on the podcast and even in some of
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  Speaker 2: my presentations, because I think it's so important, and as
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  Speaker 2: I've reflected on how our week has been and what's
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  Speaker 2: been going on with our kids, I'm just trying to
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  Speaker 2: say yes a whole lot more and trying to get
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  Speaker 2: bothered by the small stuff a whole lot less. So
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  Speaker 2: this is what my sister said. She said, I want
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  Speaker 2: to talk to you. I want to watch your surf.
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  Speaker 2: I want to feel you walk into a room and
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  Speaker 2: fill it up with your energy. I want you to
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  Speaker 2: run up a hill, piggybacking me and laughing the whole time.
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  Speaker 2: I want you to throw care and kerance her husband.
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  Speaker 2: I want you to throw care and over your shoulder
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  Speaker 2: and run and challenge him to a wrestle. And then
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  Speaker 2: she got into some real specifics that just lit everything
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  Speaker 2: up inside me. She said, I want you to ask
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  Speaker 2: me how long till dinner, over and over. I want
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  Speaker 2: to cook you wraps every night for forever, like you wanted.
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  Speaker 2: I want to hear you out the door early in
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  Speaker 2: the dark for a surf. I want to whistle you
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  Speaker 2: in one hundred times, only for you to keep putting
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  Speaker 2: up one finger telling me one more. I want you
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  Speaker 2: to stay out there till you get a good one.
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  Speaker 2: My boy. I'll wait, I'll wait forever. I want you
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  Speaker 2: to come home and eat everything in the fridge. I
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  Speaker 2: want to listen to your laugh over and over. I
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  Speaker 2: don't care how much sand is on the floor, how
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  Speaker 2: many baths you run, how loud you watch your phone,
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  Speaker 2: how messy your room is, how many towels you use,
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  Speaker 2: how loud you thump around the house. I just remember
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  Speaker 2: saying that in the funeral and thinking to myself, this
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  Speaker 2: is a grieving mom tapping into what matters most. What
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  Speaker 2: matters most is that we have time with our kids
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  Speaker 2: and that we're not on their back, that we've got
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  Speaker 2: their back. We worry about all the small stuff. We
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: worry about how messy things are or how much craps
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: all over the floor, and we just don't need to
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  Speaker 2: worry about this stuff. The reality is, if you listen
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  Speaker 2: to this podcast, as a pretty good chance, you've got
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  Speaker 2: a little kid, you a big kid that walks into
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  Speaker 2: the house every afternoon or every morning and says hi
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  Speaker 2: mum or Hi dad. And when I think about what
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  Speaker 2: my sister had to say, I kind of thing that's
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  Speaker 2: the only thing that matters that when we see them,
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  Speaker 2: that our face lights up and we're just so thrilled
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  Speaker 2: that they're calling this by that name. And if they're
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: getting some stuff wrong, our job is to be there
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  Speaker 2: for them and support them and love them, not to
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  Speaker 2: be on their back. So that's my older better tomorrow
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  Speaker 2: as we go into the weekend, that we can just
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  Speaker 2: love our kids so much and show it to them,
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  Speaker 2: even if they're doing stuff that sometimes drives us crazy,
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  Speaker 2: like asking for the same dinner for the seven thousandth time,
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  Speaker 2: or whatever it might be.
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  Speaker 1: I've heard empty nests talk about this idea with us
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  Speaker 1: as our parenting journey started and has continued, that we'll
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  Speaker 1: miss the noise, will miss the chaos once they've all left, and.
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  Speaker 2: And we've been like, no, that we won't.
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  Speaker 1: The other night, we were driving the car and we
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  Speaker 1: just had the two youngest in the car, and you
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  Speaker 1: looked at me and you said, this is what it
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  Speaker 1: must feel like when you've only got two kids. And
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  Speaker 1: I was really grateful for that moment.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, it did feel good.
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  Speaker 1: It did feel good to just have, you know, the quiet.
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  Speaker 1: But there's something really special about having everybody come home.
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  Speaker 1: And in spite of the fact that our life is
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  Speaker 1: changing at such an accelerated rate, I would never have
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  Speaker 1: expected that the family dynamics in our home would change
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  Speaker 1: so quickly as we get to these older years with
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  Speaker 1: the kids.
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  Speaker 2: And there's a lot to miss, and there is there is.
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  Speaker 1: A lot to miss. Am I tired? Yes, I'm exhausted.
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  Speaker 1: Family life is messy and hard and exhausting, but there
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  Speaker 1: is just so much joy to be had in nurturing
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  Speaker 1: and cherishing those relationships.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, and we have the blessing that our kids are
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  Speaker 2: coming home. We hope that there's some inspiration here to
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  Speaker 2: help your family to be happier this weekend and into
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: next week. Thank you so much for listening to The
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media.
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: Craig Bruce is our executive producer. We love that you
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: choose to spend your time with us. We hope that
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: it makes your family happier. For more and fo about
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: making your family happier, we' love for you to check
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: out our resources at happy families dot com dot au
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: and follow our social media on Instagram, TikTok and Facebook
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: Doctor Justin Coulson's Happy Families