Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #895 People Matter, Things Don't

Transcript

#895 People Matter, Things Don't · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
• 0:05
  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 3: Now.
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: Well, it's Friday, and every Friday on the Happy Families Podcast,
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: we dive into an episode that we called I'll Do
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Better Tomorrow. This is the bit where we reflect on
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: the week that was. We talked about what worked in
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: our parenting and what didn't because we wanted to be
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: better to parents. Before we dive in with Kylie sharing something,
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: our executive producer Craig Bruce sends something through that really
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: caught me. I think in light of all of the
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: emotional challenges that we've had as we've gone through the
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: farewelling of our nephew Logan over the last a little while,
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: this one just it caught my attention and I thought
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: it might be nice to kick off the podcast with this.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: This is the author William Martin on the Wonders of
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: Ordinary Life. And it's funny when when you lose someone
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: or something that matters a great deal to you, how
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: easy it is hopefully find wonder in the ordinary. Again.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: He said this, and I quote, do not ask your
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: children to strive for extraordinary lives. Such striving may seem admirable,
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: but it's the way of foolishness. Help them instead to
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: find the wonder and the marvel of an ordinary life.
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: Show them the joy of tasting tomatoes, apples and pears,
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: Show them how to cry when pets and people die,
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: Show them the infinite pleasure in the touch of a hand,
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: and make the ordinary come alive for them. The extraordinary
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: will take care of itself. Kylie, I'll do that. It's tomorrow.
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: It's over to you. I have no idea what you're
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: going to share, but I'm curious to know what you've
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: learned about parenting, what your insights have been for how
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: we can be better parents This week.
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: Well, it's no secret the last few weeks have been
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: extremely challenging in our house, and there has been zero
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: routine or any kind of normality to the way we're
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: doing life right now.
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: No, not really functional, I think would be how i'd
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: say it.
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: We've had beautiful friends bring us meals and take care
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: of us in just such personal ways, and I've been
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: so grateful for that. But a couple of days ago,
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: it was just me and Emily at home, Miss nine,
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: and the house was in an uproar. It was turned
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: upside down. We've had some work done out in the yard,
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: and the dust from that has just come through the
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: house like a tornado, and everything was just feeling hard,
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: and so I asked her whether or not she would
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: help me get some cleaning done, and she was not impressed,
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: so she stormed off because she wanted to watch the TP. Anyway,
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: A few minutes later, I said, Emily, I'm really missing you.
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: I'd love some help. She said, well, I'd like to
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: watch the TP. We don't always get what we want
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: that soid oh, I said, you are right, we don't
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: always care what we want.
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: You're not going to get to watch to see.
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: So I just kept working slowly by myself, and then
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: about five minutes later I said, Emily, I said I'm
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: missing you. I said, would you like to come and
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: help me? And I heard some grumbling down from the
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: other end of the house, and so I left it
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: and I just kept working. And then about five minutes later,
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: I said, Emily, would you like to unpack the dishwasher?
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: And I don't know what it is about the dishwasher,
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: and I don't think she's ever responded this way before,
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: but she said, sure thing, Mom, and she came racing
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: down the corridor and started unpacking the dishwasher, and we
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: talked a little bit about you know, just as we
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: were working together, we talked side by side, and sometimes
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: we get so caught up on the fact that we
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: need them to be compliant in the moment, and like
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: I said, our house is not functioning the way it
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: usually would, and there are moments where we feel like
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: everything's fine, and then there are moments where we just
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: kind of crumble in a heap and are really really
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: struggling with our own emotions. And I can't imagine what
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: it is like for our kids not only to be
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: experiencing their own emotions, but then to watch the big
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: people in their world, the people that make them feel
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: safe and secure, not dealing with it really well. And so,
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: in spite of the fact that it was a little
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: bit frustrating that she wasn't complying in the first moment,
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: I love that was just a little bit of time
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: and a little bit of patience and a little bit
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: of kindness and compassion to her situation that I was
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: able to facilitate her ability to step into the moment
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: and help and the change that that had in our
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: home in that little moment was just really beautiful. So
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: may I'll do better tomorrow. It's just an acknowledgment that
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: as parents we want things to done right now. We
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: kind of see a need, we see something that he's doing,
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: and we expect that our kids are going to be
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: complying in the moment. And you talk a lot about
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: this idea of force creates resistance. When our kids feel
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: like they don't have a choice, they're less likely to
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: want to help. But all of us want to connect.
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: And each time I made a bid for connection with Emily,
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: I got a little bit closer to her being desirous
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: of that, And in that next moment, there was just
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: this beautiful connection, which I'm so grateful for.
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: Love that you shared that. Something that I wrote about
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: a lot in The Parenting Revolution is how when we
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: invite our children's involvement, but we give them the opportunity
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: to be self determining and to step into that involvement
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: when they're ready for it, we get much better outcomes.
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: I remember stepping into the kitchen and seeing her involved
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: with you, and she was so happy to be involved.
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: It really stood out to me that when children are
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: choosing on now knowing the broader context, when children choose involvement,
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: it works so much better than when we have to
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: force involvement.
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: I'm interested to know what you have to share today.
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: So I'm going to share a couple of things, because
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: when you go through really difficult times, I think you
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: learn a lot. The first thing that I want to
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: share is just a quick anecdote, a quick story. It's
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: just over a week old now, but while we were
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: in Gosford on the New Southwest Central Coast, the funeral
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: for Logan was held on Friday. We had a day
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: of nothing on Saturday, and then on Sunday morning it
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: was the paddle out at Terry gill Haven with about
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: two hundred and fifty people. But on that Saturday I
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: decided that I was going to go for a surf.
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: I caught up with some friends because that's where I
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: grew up, and I went surfing and just had a
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: great time, caught some wonderful waves and tested out my
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: neck and back now that I'm sort of getting active
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: again after my neck break and my back break a
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: couple of months ago, and it felt really good. I
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: had that surf, but what I really wanted to do
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: was take the kids to the beach and help them
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: to catch some waves. So around about mid morning, around
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: abou nine o'clock, we grabbed the kids, we put them
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: in the car, called my brother and my parents and
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: just told everybody head down to a voca. We're going
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: to go down to the pine trees. There's some little
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: waves there. I think if we take the kids out
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: on the surfboards, we can have a really great time.
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: When we got there, I had my favorite board, which
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: is a board that I've had for a couple of
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: years now, and I also had a brand new board
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: that we bought on the way through Coffs Harbor. We
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: stopped in at Cooper's Surf Store on the way through
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: Coffs Harbor and I picked up a brand new board
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: on the way through. I just, I don't know, I
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: wanted to buy a new board. Logan has passed away.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: He loved to surf. I love to surf, and I
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: just wanted to have a new board for I don't know,
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: because I felt like I needed a new surfboard. So
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: I bought something really different and not your traditional kind
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: of surfboard, something that's really really quite a different board.
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: It's called a quad so it's got four fins in
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: it and just just a totally different shape. Really excited
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: about the board, too much detail, Let me move on.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: When we walked down the beach, my brother Tim and
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: his two sons, their age somewhere around that sort of
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: seven through to ten or eleven age mark. They were
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: sort of saying, can we have a surf? Can we
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: have surf? Dad? And he had a couple of those,
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: you know, the big fat boards that the Surf Life
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: savers right on on their knees. They had a couple
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: of those, but they really wanted to surf. And I said, oh,
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: they can jump on my board. I'll take them out
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: and I'll show them how to do some surfing. And
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: he looked at me and said, but be good boards.
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: And I said, yeah, that's okay. And he said, oh,
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: we can't let them ride the good boards. And I said, no, no,
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: you don't understand it's okay. He said, but that one's
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: brand new. You've only had it for two or three days.
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: What if something happens to it? And I got to
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: use my favorite line with my little brother. I said, Tim,
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: people matter, things, don't the worst thing that can happen
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: is that the board gets a dig in it and
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: if it does, I'll repair it. It's okay, and I
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: just this is something that we talk about regularly on
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: the podcast, but it was beautiful to be able to
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: say it and really mean it. And I know, I
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: guess in some ways it's a privileged position to be
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: in to be able to say, yes, if the board
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: gets damaged, I will get it repaired. But honestly, a
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: surfboard repair only costs like fifty or seventy buckses not
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: that expensive anyway. But to be able to say that
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: and to really mean it, and to be able to
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: prioritize the kids and their joy, to give the kids
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: the experience of riding a really, really great and brand
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: new surfboard, their eyes lit up. They couldn't believe that
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: they were able to do it, and it was just
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: so much fun to take them out there and let
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: them catch those waves. Typically, historically I've had a different view.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: Nobody touches the good stuff except me because I'm the
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: only one that knows how to use it. But it
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: feels so much more generous, It feels so much larger
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: to say, yeah, let's just go and have this experience together,
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: and as I pushed one of my little nephews onto
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: a wave that he was scared to catch, that was
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: way too big for him, And as he rode that
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: wave and then stood up on that wave, and the
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: joy on his face and the fact that he couldn't
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: stop talking about it for the next couple of days,
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: it was so worth it. It was just so worth it.
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: So that's kind of my old do better tomorrow. Stop
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: being precious about all of this stuff, because the stuff
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: doesn't matter. It's the experience and the relationships and the
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: development and the growth that matter the most.
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: I love the acknowledgment that you've made that it is
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: at a privileged space that you sit in when you're able
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: to acknowledge that it doesn't actually matter. The stuff doesn't matter.
• 10:15
  Speaker 3: I remember growing up and my mum had a commemoration
• 10:20
  Speaker 3: plate for Diana, Princess Diana and Prince Charles's wedding.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: A commemoration plate. Oh okay, yeah, yeah, like the ones
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: that used to put on the walls or in the
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: wall year Yeah yeah, yeah, I know.
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: And I was doing the dusting one day and I
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: dropped it, and I was so scared to tell her
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: because I knew that it was important to her, and
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: it didn't always happen like this, but that particular day,
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: my mum just kind of grabbed me into a hug
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: and just said, you know what, it doesn't matter. It's
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: just a plate. And I think it's a really valuable
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: lesson that we can all learn from recognize that the
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: relationships and our lives are so much more important than things.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, hearing you talk, for those who can hear the
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: emotion in your voice, we're still just so tender, aren't we?
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: Like we're really there's been so much going on. I
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: mentioned that there are two things that I wanted to share,
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: and I just want to touch on them briefly. At
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: a time of great loss, it's an opportunity to reevaluate
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: your life and to pause and say, chee, have we
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: got our priorities right? And something that we made a
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: commitment to on our way driving back to the Sunshine
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: Coast from the Central Coast, and we got to sit
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: in the car for a little over ten hours and
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: talk and contemplate and reflect, and we made a couple
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: of decisions that might also be a little bit inspirational
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: for people as they reflect on how they can be
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: better parents and build more love and more focus on
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: the important things into their family life. So we talked
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: about what we were going to do differently, what we'd
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: learned as a result, and we made a couple of commitments.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: The first is that you have family quite close to us.
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: So we've got your sister and her family within about
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: ten minutes drive, but your mum and your other sister
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: are also only about an hour and a half away.
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: So we've made a commitment to having a monthly family
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: dinner with your entire family. We need to build those
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: relationships and it's a wonderful opportunity when you're close enough
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: to do that. But we also have my family who
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: are not nearby, and so we've also committed that on
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: one weekend every single month, unless we have a family
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: trip planned already, we're going to jump in the car
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: and spend two or three nights somewhere else. We're going
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: to go places where our family are. We've got family
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: on the Gold Coast, we've got family around that Bangalow
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: Ballooner area. We've got family down in the Yamba and
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: Gowery area. We've got family on the New South Wales
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: Central coast, like we've got family up and down the
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: Eastern Seaboard, and we've made a commitment that we are
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: going to invest in those relationships and invest in time
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: away having experiences with the kids, will stay at cheap
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: places like big four caravan parks or something like that,
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: so that we can afford to do something like this.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: But we just keep on finding all the reasons not
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: to do it, or we just don't get intentional enough
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: about it. And the last couple of weeks, if they've
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: taught us anything, it's that we need to be investing
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: in our family relationships, both our immediate family but also
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: our extended family. There is so much value in extended
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: family relationships. So they're a our commitments, and that's our
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: I'll do better tomorrow. We really hope that there's some
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: inspiration in there for you and your family, and then
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: it gets you, i don't know, rethinking the way you're
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: doing things. Maybe you'll make some commitments. Maybe you'll just
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: keep doing what you're doing because you're actually doing it
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: really well and you're dialed in already. But we appreciate
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: so much you listening to our podcast today. Thank you
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: for joining us as we navigate a tricky time in
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: our own family. Have a wonderful weekend, and we'll see
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: you again on Monday. The Happy Family's podcast is produced
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: executive producer and more information about making your family happier
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: is available at Happy families dot com or quickly one
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: more thing. Our Black Friday sales are all over the
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: Internet today. Jump onto Happy families dot com, dot you,
• 14:06
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• 14:09
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