Latest / Overwhelmed Working Woman: Boost Productivity, Master Time Management, Overcome Overwhelm & Stop People Pleasing / #289| Why Your People Pleasing Resentment Never Resets, It Just Keeps Stacking, Yes After Yes
Transcript
- 0:00Michelle Gauthier: When you listen today, you'll learn why the resentment you get from people pleasing never resets.
- 0:05Michelle Gauthier: It just keeps stacking yes after yes.
- 0:08Michelle Gauthier: You're listening to Overwhelmed Working Woman, the podcast that helps you be more calm and more productive by doing less.
- 0:20Michelle Gauthier: I'm your host, Michelle Gauthier, a former Overwhelmed Working Woman and current life coach.
- 0:25Michelle Gauthier: On this show, we unpack the stress and pressure that today's working woman experiences.
- 0:30Michelle Gauthier: And in each episode, you'll get a strategy to bring more calm, ease, and relaxation to your life.
- 0:37Michelle Gauthier: Hi, friend.
- 0:41Michelle Gauthier: I just finished teaching a live class called How to Stop Feeling Overwhelmed.
- 0:45Michelle Gauthier: And one of the participants asked a question that I have been thinking about ever since.
- 0:49Michelle Gauthier: And it was such a good question.
- 0:51Michelle Gauthier: So I wanted to share the question and the answer with you.
- 0:53Michelle Gauthier: We were talking about people pleasing.
- 0:55Michelle Gauthier: And she said, What happens when there's something that needs to be done, like for an organization or for your business?
- 1:01Michelle Gauthier: And if I don't do it, no one will.
- 1:04Michelle Gauthier: So she's feeling like she has to be the one to do it because if she doesn't do it, nobody else will.
- 1:09Michelle Gauthier: And this, my friends, is the curse of being a capable woman.
- 1:13Michelle Gauthier: You feel like you have to be in charge of everything.
- 1:15Michelle Gauthier: And if you don't do it, nobody else will.
- 1:18Michelle Gauthier: So when you listen today, you'll learn why the idea of if I don't do it, nobody will is creating a lot of extra work and resentment for you.
- 1:26Michelle Gauthier: What's happening in your body every time you say yes out of guilt or people pleasing and why the resentment and responsibility show up at the exact same time and why that resentment just keeps coming and doesn't reset when the task is done.
- 1:40Michelle Gauthier: It stacks and it stacks yes after yes until people pleasing is running your whole calendar and you're pissed at everybody.
- 1:48Michelle Gauthier: Before we go further, let me remind you what people pleasing actually is.
- 1:52Michelle Gauthier: People pleasing is having an emotional need or desire to please others at the expense of yourself.
- 1:58Michelle Gauthier: That at the expense of yourself is part of the whole problem.
- 2:01Michelle Gauthier: When you say yes to something that you don't want to do, you are always saying no to something else, usually your own time, your own energy, or your own peace.
- 2:11Michelle Gauthier: If you have identified yourself as a people pleaser, and I think most women are to some degree, maybe you've already told yourself that you're going to start saying no more and you've decided it and you believe it sitting here right now that you're going to say no more.
- 2:23Michelle Gauthier: But when the moment comes, someone asks, Hey, would you mind covering this meeting for me?
- 2:27Michelle Gauthier: All of a sudden you're saying, Yeah, sure, that's fine.
- 2:30Michelle Gauthier: I can totally do that.
- 2:31Michelle Gauthier: And let's talk about what happens right after that.
- 2:34Michelle Gauthier: You add two hours to your calendar that you didn't already had planned because you have to attend this meeting and prepare for this meeting.
- 2:40Michelle Gauthier: And then you feel resentment towards that person.
- 2:43Michelle Gauthier: Like, why does everyone always ask me to cover for them?
- 2:46Michelle Gauthier: You probably have negative self-talk, like, why did I do this to myself?
- 2:50Michelle Gauthier: Stop it.
- 2:50Michelle Gauthier: You need to start saying no.
- 2:52Michelle Gauthier: And you just cause yourself new and additional overwhelm.
- 2:57Michelle Gauthier: And the thing is, when you say, Yeah, sure, I can cover that for you, it also sends a message to your coworkers or your family or whomever that you are the go-to person and you are the yes person.
- 3:07Michelle Gauthier: Here's why it's so hard to say no in that moment.
- 3:09Michelle Gauthier: You know you want to say no sometimes.
- 3:11Michelle Gauthier: Maybe sometimes you don't even pause to think about it and you just automatically say yes.
- 3:15Michelle Gauthier: But if you know you want to say no and you have that thought running in your mind that this participant asked today, yeah, but if I don't do it, nobody's gonna do it.
- 3:23Michelle Gauthier: Of course you're gonna say yes, right?
- 3:25Michelle Gauthier: Because somebody has to do it.
- 3:27Michelle Gauthier: Let's think about another example.
- 3:29Michelle Gauthier: You've already accepted, yes, I'll go ahead and cover you in this meeting.
- 3:32Michelle Gauthier: And then you get an email from the teacher.
- 3:34Michelle Gauthier: Hey, we still need a room parent to run the Halloween party.
- 3:38Michelle Gauthier: Would you be willing?
- 3:39Michelle Gauthier: Before you're even finished reading the sentence, you get that feeling of dread in your body, just a heaviness and your chest tightens.
- 3:46Michelle Gauthier: And in that half second, what's probably running through your head is, no, I don't want to do this.
- 3:51Michelle Gauthier: And then it's real quick followed by, if I say no, who else is gonna do it?
- 3:55Michelle Gauthier: Nobody signed up last year.
- 3:56Michelle Gauthier: The kids need a Halloween party.
- 3:58Michelle Gauthier: You're not really deciding, you're just talking yourself into a yes.
- 4:02Michelle Gauthier: So you type back, of course, happy to with an exclamation point you don't even mean.
- 4:07Michelle Gauthier: And then the second you hit send, the resentment shows up right behind the relief.
- 4:11Michelle Gauthier: Your mood has shifted and you have a clenched jaw and you're just annoyed at everything.
- 4:16Michelle Gauthier: Your mind is picturing the sign-up sheet.
- 4:18Michelle Gauthier: You start feeling resentment towards other parents in the class, thinking, you know, Molly's mom saw that email and she works part-time and she has one kid in the class.
- 4:28Michelle Gauthier: She could absolutely do this, but she didn't even reply.
- 4:31Michelle Gauthier: She just let it sit there and it became mine by default because that's just what always happens.
- 4:36Michelle Gauthier: And you picture her at pickup tomorrow with not a care in the world that you had to cover the Halloween party instead of her.
- 4:42Michelle Gauthier: And the teacher, why is the teacher asking you directly in an email?
- 4:46Michelle Gauthier: You're annoyed at her for asking.
- 4:48Michelle Gauthier: You're annoyed at every parent on that class list who saw the same request and just decided it wasn't theirs to solve.
- 4:54Michelle Gauthier: And underneath all of it, you're most annoyed at yourself because you know there was an opportunity for you to say no.
- 4:59Michelle Gauthier: There always is an opportunity for you to say no, but you just didn't even give it a chance.
- 5:04Michelle Gauthier: You just said yes right away.
- 5:05Michelle Gauthier: Let's think about what this actually costs you when somebody says, Would you mind covering this meeting?
- 5:10Michelle Gauthier: Or could you be the room parent for the Halloween party?
- 5:14Michelle Gauthier: Or hey, do you think you could host Thanksgiving this year?
- 5:17Michelle Gauthier: Each one of those costs you in time and mental energy.
- 5:21Michelle Gauthier: So if we think about how much each one of those would take, so maybe two hours covering the meeting, hosting Thanksgiving, oh my gosh, I would give that at least 20 hours for prep and food and cleanup and cleaning your house and all of that, and being the parent for the room party that includes planning and getting supplies and getting other parents to bring things that's gotta be four or five hours, some of them right in the middle of the workday.
- 5:44Michelle Gauthier: Let's just say that that's 25 to 30 hours that you weren't expecting to spend in the next couple of months on things that you didn't choose and didn't want to do.
- 5:54Michelle Gauthier: And then when you're doing those things, you're feeling resentful.
- 5:58Michelle Gauthier: Let's stay with the Thanksgiving example for a second because this is a place where it can really show up.
- 6:03Michelle Gauthier: It's not just the 20 hours of shopping and cooking and setting the table with the good dishes.
- 6:08Michelle Gauthier: It's the end of the night when everyone's pushed back from the table and full and happy and saying it was so much fun, and they start gathering their coats, and your sister gives you a hug and says, Thank you so much for having us.
- 6:21Michelle Gauthier: I don't know how you do it.
- 6:22Michelle Gauthier: And she gets in her car, headed back to a house that is clean right now, because nobody made a mess in it today.
- 6:28Michelle Gauthier: And you go back inside the kitchen and start scrubbing a roasting pan and picking up all the toys that your nieces and nephews got out and threw everywhere.
- 6:38Michelle Gauthier: And then the thought really lands, someone's gonna ask about Christmas soon.
- 6:42Michelle Gauthier: Everyone is gonna assume it's here again, because it always is.
- 6:45Michelle Gauthier: Because you hosted Thanksgiving, it's not like, okay, that's over.
- 6:49Michelle Gauthier: The resentment doesn't disappear when the task is done.
- 6:51Michelle Gauthier: Hosting Thanksgiving doesn't end it, it just simmers, waiting for the next ask from your family.
- 6:57Michelle Gauthier: Let's talk about what's really beneath this.
- 6:59Michelle Gauthier: It's that belief that if I don't do it, nobody will.
- 7:03Michelle Gauthier: And like I said at the beginning, this is what I've started calling the curse of being a capable woman.
- 7:08Michelle Gauthier: You've spent your whole life being the one who figures it all out, who handles it, who doesn't drop the ball.
- 7:13Michelle Gauthier: And somewhere along the way, that turned into a belief that you are the only thing standing between something falling apart and it's staying together.
- 7:20Michelle Gauthier: And I want to be honest with you, sometimes that's even true.
- 7:23Michelle Gauthier: If you don't decide to be the room parent for the party, maybe they won't have a party or they won't have a great party.
- 7:31Michelle Gauthier: But here's what the thought is actually doing.
- 7:33Michelle Gauthier: It's not predicting what might happen, it's making you feel like it's your personal job to prevent it from happening.
- 7:39Michelle Gauthier: That's the curse.
- 7:40Michelle Gauthier: Not that you're capable, being capable is awesome, but that your capability has quietly turned into this obligation or burden that you never actually agreed to.
- 7:49Michelle Gauthier: So, how do we solve this problem?
- 7:51Michelle Gauthier: How do we solve this people pleasing that's based on the idea that if I don't do it, nobody else will?
- 7:57Michelle Gauthier: I'll tell you, you're probably not gonna like this answer, but I'll tell you what the answer is, and that is being able to sit in the discomfort that whatever happens is not your responsibility.
- 8:09Michelle Gauthier: It's being able to release the idea that if I don't do it, nobody will.
- 8:14Michelle Gauthier: Because even if that is true, even if you don't do it and nobody does, your family doesn't get together for Thanksgiving this year, it is not on you.
- 8:22Michelle Gauthier: In eight years of coaching, I have learned that when you're making a change, and this would be a pretty big change if you've been living this way for a long time, change always comes with discomfort.
- 8:32Michelle Gauthier: And learning how to actually sit in the discomfort of letting something be undone or not fixed by you so that your yes stops being an obligation and starts being a choice is going to be quite uncomfortable at first.
- 8:47Michelle Gauthier: Imagine that someone asks you to cover or to host or to chair and you pause and you feel an old pull of if I don't do it, nobody will, and you let it be uncomfortable without giving into it.
- 8:57Michelle Gauthier: And some things don't get done, or it doesn't get done in the same way that you would do it, and you're still okay, and the world keeps on spinning and you keep on living, but you keep on living with way more time on your calendar.
- 9:09Michelle Gauthier: So, in summary, assuming that if you don't do it, nobody will is going to continue to fill up your calendar with things that other people want, not things that you want, and you're going to turn into a very resentful person the whole time you're doing them and every time somebody asks you for something.
- 9:27Michelle Gauthier: This is exactly how people pleasing becomes one of the biggest hidden drivers of your overwhelm.
- 9:33Michelle Gauthier: If you've ever said yes when your whole body was screaming no, and you can feel yourself disappearing from your own calendar, meaning it's filled up with what everyone else wants you to do.
- 9:43Michelle Gauthier: I want to invite you to do a free one-hour discovery session with me.
- 9:48Michelle Gauthier: We'll look at exactly where that belief of if I don't do it, nobody will, is running/slash ruining your life, filling up your schedule, and driving your overwhelm.
- 9:57Michelle Gauthier: And I'll show you exactly how we would work on that if you did one-on-one coaching with me.
- 10:02Michelle Gauthier: No pressure, just clarity.
- 10:04Michelle Gauthier: I would absolutely love to talk to you and free you from this belief.
- 10:09Michelle Gauthier: Thank you for listening to the Overwhelmed Working Woman podcast.
- 10:16Michelle Gauthier: If you want to learn more about my work, head over to my website at michellegauthier.com.
- 10:22Michelle Gauthier: See you next week.