Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 204: The Real Source of All Your Problems

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204: The Real Source of All Your Problems · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Speaker 5: Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:21
  Speaker 5: My name is MaryAnn Walker and I help highly sensitive people in recovering people pleasers learn how to navigate their deep emotions.
• 0:28
  Speaker 5: I help them learn how to set healthy boundaries, and I help them learn how to create more peace, both in their relationships as well as in their own minds.
• 0:35
  Speaker 5: And today we're gonna be talking about something that can be incredibly freeing once you come to really fully understand it.
• 0:41
  Speaker 5: And it may sound a little overly simplistic in the beginning, but hear me out, because this is really, truly powerful.
• 0:48
  Speaker 5: And here it is.
• 0:49
  Speaker 5: The root cause of any problem is almost always your thinking.
• 0:54
  Speaker 5: And I get it that that might be a little surprising at first, especially when we're in the middle of a problem because we feel like it's our circumstances that are the problem, right?
• 1:02
  Speaker 5: It feels like the other person's the problem or the situation is the problem, but the truth is that the pain that we experience, it usually comes from the meaning that we've chosen to attach to different situations.
• 1:14
  Speaker 5: So let's start with the basics, shall we?
• 1:16
  Speaker 5: First of all, what is a thought?
• 1:19
  Speaker 5: A thought is simply a sentence in your brain.
• 1:22
  Speaker 5: That's it.
• 1:23
  Speaker 5: It is just a sentence in your brain, but this little sentence has so much power.
• 1:28
  Speaker 5: This little sentence is what determines how it is that we feel about any given circumstance and how we feel directly impacts how it is that we show up in life.
• 1:37
  Speaker 5: In fact, believe it or not, every single circumstance that you experience in life, it is neutral until you have a thought about it.
• 1:46
  Speaker 5: And there are countless ways to think about it.
• 1:50
  Speaker 5: Now, I'm not suggesting that we just live in a world of toxic positivity where you just constantly suppress your negative thoughts, your negative emotions, and only allow for joyful ones.
• 1:59
  Speaker 5: But today I really wanna help you to create a little bit more self-awareness that you can actually have options, and that you do have options when it comes to how it is that you want to think and feel about any given situation.
• 2:13
  Speaker 5: The emotional charge that you feel, and this might be a positive emotional charge, or it might be a negative emotional charge, but the emotional charge that you feel, it all comes down to the story that we're telling ourselves about what's happening.
• 2:26
  Speaker 5: For example, some common thoughts that people think are, I don't think that they like me.
• 2:31
  Speaker 5: I'm too much.
• 2:33
  Speaker 5: I'm not enough.
• 2:35
  Speaker 5: I am inadequate in some way.
• 2:38
  Speaker 5: There is something really wrong happening here.
• 2:41
  Speaker 5: And when those thoughts are running through your mind, then they can feel very real.
• 2:46
  Speaker 5: They feel like facts and they really don't feel very good.
• 2:51
  Speaker 5: But the truth is these are not facts.
• 2:54
  Speaker 5: These are just thoughts.
• 2:56
  Speaker 5: These are just sentences in your brain.
• 2:59
  Speaker 5: And the really empowering thing is that thoughts, thoughts can be questioned, thoughts can be examined, and thoughts can be changed.
• 3:08
  Speaker 5: When you start to differentiate your thoughts from your circumstances, then you're gonna be able to let go of a lot of the mind drama that comes up for you, because at this point, you're gonna be able to start to actually see where it is that you're writing stories.
• 3:21
  Speaker 5: Oftentimes we think that we're just broadcasting the news, but really we're telling a story and it can be very subtle and very sneaky.
• 3:28
  Speaker 5: So let me give you an example.
• 3:30
  Speaker 5: Let's say you walk outside and you say, oh, it is too hot outside.
• 3:34
  Speaker 5: Is it too hot outside or is it 85 degrees?
• 3:38
  Speaker 5: Because these are two very, very different things.
• 3:42
  Speaker 5: 85 degrees is a fact.
• 3:44
  Speaker 5: It's measurable.
• 3:44
  Speaker 5: We can all look at our app on our phone or look at the thermometer and see, yes, it is in fact 85 degrees outside.
• 3:51
  Speaker 5: But everybody's gonna have a different story or opinion about what that 85 degrees means.
• 3:57
  Speaker 5: Some people might say it's too hot.
• 3:59
  Speaker 5: Some people might say it's too cold, and some people might say, you know what?
• 4:02
  Speaker 5: This is just right.
• 4:04
  Speaker 5: We're all going to have a different story in our minds about what it means when it's 85 degrees outside.
• 4:10
  Speaker 5: There are a lot of shared spaces in this world, and this might be in your home, or this might be at work, or wherever it is, even in a movie theater where there's constantly going to be somebody that is bumping the temperature up and someone else who keeps bumping the temperature down because we all have very different ideals when it comes to what is too hot and what is too cold.
• 4:30
  Speaker 5: It is the same circumstance that 85 degrees, but we're all gonna be thinking very different thoughts about it.
• 4:35
  Speaker 5: Okay?
• 4:36
  Speaker 5: So remember that that 85 degrees is a fact and everything else we have to say about the 85 degrees, that is just a story.
• 4:44
  Speaker 5: Okay, so let's use another example.
• 4:46
  Speaker 5: Let's assume for a moment that you're going through a breakup and somebody comes up to you and they ask you a question about your breakup, and your first thought is what a rude person.
• 4:57
  Speaker 5: Are they really a rude person, or did they just ask you a question about your breakup that you really don't wanna answer right now?
• 5:03
  Speaker 5: Do you kind of see how it feels really different when we immediately jump straight into labeling somebody else's rude?
• 5:09
  Speaker 5: We've already created a story in our minds about their intention.
• 5:12
  Speaker 5: But the neutral fact is simply that they ask you a question about your breakup and because you had the thought that their inquiry was rude, then you felt pretty uncomfortable in that moment.
• 5:22
  Speaker 5: Essentially you interpreted their inquiry not as love, not as caring, but as being rude.
• 5:27
  Speaker 5: When we learn how to slow things down in our minds and separate out the facts from the story, just like we're separating out lights and darks for laundry, right?
• 5:35
  Speaker 5: Then we're able to create a little bit more space in our minds for clarity.
• 5:39
  Speaker 5: And the interesting truth is that we create many of our own struggles within our own minds.
• 5:46
  Speaker 5: We tell ourselves stories about what it is that something means, and then we start to retell ourselves those stories so often that we start to deeply believe them.
• 5:55
  Speaker 5: We start to believe that they're absolute truth.
• 5:58
  Speaker 5: We start thinking, well, it must be true because why else would I feel this way?
• 6:01
  Speaker 5: But feelings are not facts.
• 6:04
  Speaker 5: Our feelings come from our thoughts.
• 6:07
  Speaker 5: And now that being said, you are always allowed to believe whatever it is that you want to believe.
• 6:12
  Speaker 5: But here's a really powerful question to ask yourself.
• 6:15
  Speaker 5: Is this thought helping me or is this thought creating pain for me?
• 6:20
  Speaker 5: Now, let me give you another example from one of my clients.
• 6:22
  Speaker 5: And yes, I've kind of changed some details for anonymity, but I had a client come to me and she was having a lot of negative thoughts about her husband.
• 6:29
  Speaker 5: She was saying things like, well, he doesn't respect me.
• 6:31
  Speaker 5: I don't think he even likes me.
• 6:33
  Speaker 5: I feel so unsupported in our relationship.
• 6:36
  Speaker 5: It seems like he will do anything to get out of spending time with me.
• 6:39
  Speaker 5: He is so inconsiderate and honestly, I think this might be the beginning of the end for us.
• 6:45
  Speaker 5: Now imagine for a moment, walking around thinking those kind of thoughts about your partner.
• 6:49
  Speaker 5: How would you feel about them?
• 6:51
  Speaker 5: More than likely you'd be feeling angry, resentful, hurt, and disconnected, and I know that's how you'd be feeling because that's exactly how this woman felt, right?
• 6:59
  Speaker 5: She's talking to me as if every single one of the things that she's told me is an absolute fact, but at this point, I don't actually know what happened.
• 7:07
  Speaker 5: I only know her story.
• 7:08
  Speaker 5: About what happened.
• 7:09
  Speaker 5: So when I finally asked her, I said, okay, well tell me what happened.
• 7:12
  Speaker 5: What were the actual circumstances?
• 7:15
  Speaker 5: Then she said, well, his meeting ran long at work, and so he was 30 minutes late to our dinner reservation.
• 7:21
  Speaker 5: Now being 30 minutes late to a dinner reservation.
• 7:24
  Speaker 5: That's an actual fact.
• 7:25
  Speaker 5: Okay.
• 7:25
  Speaker 5: That's the actual circumstance, and we can know it's a fact because there's multiple people that would say, yes, a hundred percent.
• 7:31
  Speaker 5: That's true.
• 7:32
  Speaker 5: Right.
• 7:32
  Speaker 5: He knows he was late.
• 7:33
  Speaker 5: The waiter knows that he arrived late.
• 7:34
  Speaker 5: His boss knows he kept him late.
• 7:35
  Speaker 5: Okay?
• 7:36
  Speaker 5: So we know that it's a fact that he showed up late for this reservation, but everything else that she shared with me was actually the story that she had created in her own mind.
• 7:47
  Speaker 5: And that story was creating a lot of negative emotion for her.
• 7:51
  Speaker 5: She decided to make his 30 minute delay mean that he didn't respect her.
• 7:55
  Speaker 5: She decided to make it mean that he didn't even care about her.
• 7:58
  Speaker 5: She decided to make it mean that their marriage, it's probably falling apart.
• 8:02
  Speaker 5: But once we were able to really look at things a little bit more clearly and simply separate out the fact from her story about the fact, then something really interesting happened.
• 8:12
  Speaker 5: She suddenly had space to consider other possibilities too.
• 8:16
  Speaker 5: And no, this was not coming from a place of trying to lie to herself or trying to pretend that everything was perfect in their marriage, but it was coming from this newfound knowledge that there are multiple ways to interpret any given situation.
• 8:29
  Speaker 5: And your brain is always going to look for evidence that whatever it is it's currently thinking about is true.
• 8:35
  Speaker 5: So another thought that she could have had might have been, boy, my husband sure does work hard for his family.
• 8:41
  Speaker 5: It must be really hard for him to sacrifice time with us.
• 8:44
  Speaker 5: Or she might think, ah, you know what?
• 8:46
  Speaker 5: I can tell by how late he is that we've probably both really had a long day.
• 8:50
  Speaker 5: It's gonna be so nice to finally relax when we're together.
• 8:53
  Speaker 5: Now, can you see how those thoughts might make her feel significantly differently towards her husband?
• 8:59
  Speaker 5: If she's sitting in a restaurant thinking He doesn't respect me, he doesn't care about me, how is she going to be greeting her husband when he walks in the door?
• 9:07
  Speaker 5: More than likely when she greets him, she's gonna be notably frustrated.
• 9:12
  Speaker 5: She's probably gonna be kind of cold and closed off and she might even express some anger towards him.
• 9:18
  Speaker 5: And if that is how she's greeting her husband, what will the impact of her actions be on the relationship?
• 9:26
  Speaker 5: But if she is thinking thoughts like, boy, he sure does work hard for us, I'm really excited to see him, then how will their interaction change?
• 9:36
  Speaker 5: More than likely, she'll be greeting him with love and compassion.
• 9:40
  Speaker 5: It is the same situation, but her thoughts are completely changing how it is that she's going to be showing up in that relationship.
• 9:47
  Speaker 5: And it's gonna create a completely different experience for the two of them in their marriage.
• 9:52
  Speaker 5: So in this case, changing how she's thinking about her husband's tardiness, it means the difference between empathy and connection and conflict and disconnect.
• 10:03
  Speaker 5: Our thoughts shape not only how it is that we feel, but they shape how it is that we show up in life and in relationship.
• 10:09
  Speaker 5: And this is one of the ways that we unknowingly create a lot of pain for ourselves, is not being mindful of this.
• 10:15
  Speaker 5: Now, again, I wanna reiterate that I'm not saying that you jump into toxic positivity.
• 10:20
  Speaker 5: I'm not saying that you should excuse someone's bad behavior or avoid holding people accountable.
• 10:24
  Speaker 5: Sometimes it's very important to just let them know, Hey, this really had big impact on me.
• 10:28
  Speaker 5: And there's absolutely times when somebody's actions need to be addressed.
• 10:32
  Speaker 5: But when we're immediately assuming the worst interpretation of a situation, then we're often creating conflict where there really doesn't need to be any.
• 10:40
  Speaker 5: Separating out facts from stories, it simply gives you a choice.
• 10:45
  Speaker 5: It allows you to respond intentionally rather than reacting emotionally.
• 10:52
  Speaker 5: Okay.
• 10:52
  Speaker 5: Now let me give you another example.
• 10:54
  Speaker 5: Imagine for a moment that you texted a friend and it's been several hours now and they haven't responded.
• 10:59
  Speaker 5: Now, what is the fact?
• 11:01
  Speaker 5: The fact is that your friend hasn't responded yet, but what are the stories that we often create around that?
• 11:08
  Speaker 5: Often we create stories like, ah, they're ignoring me.
• 11:11
  Speaker 5: They must be upset with me.
• 11:12
  Speaker 5: I've probably said or done something wrong.
• 11:14
  Speaker 5: They don't actually value our friendship.
• 11:17
  Speaker 5: And if you're a highly sensitive person, more than likely your brain, it's gonna run through 20 different explanations before the day is over.
• 11:24
  Speaker 5: Meanwhile, it might be something really simple.
• 11:26
  Speaker 5: Your friend might simply be in a meeting, they might be driving, maybe their phone is dead.
• 11:31
  Speaker 5: Maybe they forgot to turn off their do not disturb.
• 11:33
  Speaker 5: Maybe they're dealing with a family issue, or maybe they've just had a really busy day.
• 11:39
  Speaker 5: But because of the story that we created in our minds, we have now spent hours feeling anxious or rejected in this friendship.
• 11:47
  Speaker 5: Now another example might be at work.
• 11:49
  Speaker 5: So maybe your boss sends you an email and the email simply says, Hey, can you stop by my office later?
• 11:54
  Speaker 5: And you see that one sentence, email, and your brain, it just wants to jump into overdrive.
• 12:01
  Speaker 5: Your brain starts thinking, oh no, am I in trouble?
• 12:04
  Speaker 5: Did I do something wrong?
• 12:05
  Speaker 5: Or they unhappy with my performance?
• 12:08
  Speaker 5: But the neutral fact is simply that your boss asked if they could talk to you later, and that's it.
• 12:13
  Speaker 5: Everything else is just a story.
• 12:16
  Speaker 5: It is just one interpretation of the facts.
• 12:20
  Speaker 5: Now, when we become aware of how quickly our brains can create stories, then we're able to gain the ability to just kind of just pause for a moment and question them.
• 12:29
  Speaker 5: It gives us space to kind of poke holes in the beliefs that are making us miserable and no longer serving us.
• 12:35
  Speaker 5: Now to do this, it might look like asking yourself some questions.
• 12:39
  Speaker 5: It might look like asking yourself, okay, what are the actual facts here and what story am I telling myself?
• 12:45
  Speaker 5: About these facts.
• 12:47
  Speaker 5: Sometimes just asking the question, it can help to dissolve a lot of anxiety because the truth is that our brains, they are wired to fill in the gaps.
• 12:56
  Speaker 5: Our brains are wired to be incredible storytellers, and when we don't have all the information, our brains, they want to attempt to save us by jumping in and adopting a meaning and writing a story, and filling in all of those gaps, right?
• 13:09
  Speaker 5: It's kind of like a self-defense mechanism.
• 13:12
  Speaker 5: Your brain is gonna tell you that, okay, if I can just imagine and prepare for the worst case scenario, then I'll be prepared for the worst case scenario.
• 13:21
  Speaker 5: And that can be a very useful skill.
• 13:23
  Speaker 5: It can be very helpful.
• 13:25
  Speaker 5: Sometimes.
• 13:26
  Speaker 5: And other times, then your brain jumping to the worst case scenario.
• 13:31
  Speaker 5: It's just gonna create a lot of pain and anxiety for you because you're no longer telling yourself a very happy or supportive story.
• 13:39
  Speaker 5: The meaning that your brain wants to create is not always accurate, even if you have big feelings about it.
• 13:46
  Speaker 5: And let me say that again.
• 13:47
  Speaker 5: The meaning that your brain wants to create is not always accurate, even though you have really big feelings about it.
• 13:54
  Speaker 5: And if the story that you're telling yourself is creating unnecessary pain, then you do have the option available to you to question it...
• 14:03
  Speaker 5: to create something new.
• 14:05
  Speaker 5: So ask your brain some questions.
• 14:08
  Speaker 5: Ask yourself some questions like,"okay, is this thought helpful for me?
• 14:12
  Speaker 5: Is this thought kind?
• 14:14
  Speaker 5: Is this thought creating the kind of relationship or the kind of life that I wanna create for myself right now?" And if the answer is no, then guess what?
• 14:23
  Speaker 5: You do not have to keep believing it.
• 14:26
  Speaker 5: You get to choose a more supportive thought and not a thought that's ignoring reality, but one that really helps you to show up with more compassion, more curiosity, and in a way that helps you to experience more connection in life.
• 14:39
  Speaker 5: So today I want to invite you to start practicing something really, really simple.
• 14:45
  Speaker 5: The next time you feel yourself getting triggered, upset, or anxious about a situation, just pause for a minute, okay?
• 14:51
  Speaker 5: And then ask yourself, okay, what actually happened?
• 14:54
  Speaker 5: And what is the story that I'm telling myself about what happened?
• 14:59
  Speaker 5: Simply create a little bit of separation between the two of those things, because doing that, it can provide so much clarity in your relationships.
• 15:06
  Speaker 5: Because when you stop automatically believing every single thought that your brain wants to offer you, then you start to realize something really powerful.
• 15:15
  Speaker 5: You have more influence over your experience than you realize.
• 15:19
  Speaker 5: And when you start choosing thoughts that create more understanding, that create more calm, and that create more connection in your relationships, that's when you're gonna experience more inner peace.
• 15:28
  Speaker 5: And that's when your stories start to shift in really helpful, supportive, and meaningful ways.
• 15:34
  Speaker 5: And that, my friends, that is where you can experience so much emotional freedom.
• 15:39
  Speaker 5: Now if as you've been listening, if you started to realize that, oh boy, I've really been making myself miserable for years, and I'm ready for some change.
• 15:46
  Speaker 5: Or if you're starting to realize that, wow, I really do have a default setting of just defaulting to the negative and defaulting to the worst case scenario, and I would like to rewire my brain to have my default setting be something more supportive.
• 15:59
  Speaker 5: I would love to support you.
• 16:00
  Speaker 5: This is kind of my specialty.
• 16:01
  Speaker 5: This is my jam.
• 16:02
  Speaker 5: I love helping people with this, so if you're interested in customized support, come and work with me.
• 16:07
  Speaker 5: Right now I have a 12 week package that is there to help you create the lasting change that you're looking for.
• 16:12
  Speaker 5: We can look at your specific situation, we can look at your specific thoughts.
• 16:16
  Speaker 5: We can look at your brain specific default settings and transform them into something that is more supportive for you and the life that you want to create.
• 16:24
  Speaker 5: So if you're ready to get started, simply email me at maryann@maryannwalker.life or you can come to my website, http://maryannwalker.life to apply to work with me now.
• 16:32
  Speaker 5: I would love to be your life coach.
• 16:34
  Speaker 5: All right, well, I hope you have a great week, and let's talk soon.
• 16:36
  Speaker 5: Bye now.