Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / How New Managers Can Set Boundaries With Their Team
Transcript
- Lucas: So there's this moment in every new manager's life where you realize you've become the human version of a 24-hour convenience store. Someone on your team pings you at nine p.m. on a Tuesday, and you answer because it's easier than letting it sit. Luna: And then suddenly the store never closes. I've been there. It's like you've trained everyone that you're always on. Lucas: Exactly. And the weird part is, we never talk about the cost of that until it's too late. A friend of mine, she's a product manager at a mid-sized software company, she inherited a team that was used to their previous manager responding to Slack messages at all hours. Her first week, she got pings at seven in the morning, eleven at night, sometimes on weekends. Luna: So what did she do? Did she just keep the 24/7 vibe going to avoid the awkward conversation? Lucas: That's what most of us would do. But she tried something different. She called it a 'response budget.' She told the team, 'I have a finite amount of attention each day, and I want to spend it on work that actually matters. So here's how I'll be available.' Luna: A response budget. I love that. What did it look like in practice? Lucas: She set two windows a day where she was fully available for quick questions — one in the morning, one in the afternoon. Outside those, she'd batch responses. And if something was truly urgent, the team had her cell number, but she asked them to reserve that for actual emergencies. The first two weeks were rough. Some people were annoyed. But within a month, the number of non-urgent pings dropped by about sixty percent. Luna: That's a big shift. But I wonder, how do you do that without feeling like you're letting the team down? Because as a new manager, you want to prove you're responsive and supportive. Lucas: Right, and that's the core tension. We think responsiveness equals caring. But actually, when you're always available, you're modeling that it's okay to be always on. And that's not healthy for anyone. Luna: So it's about modeling the behavior you want to see, not just managing your own time. Lucas: Exactly. And there's some psychology behind this. It's called the availability bias — we judge how important something is by how easily it comes to mind. If you're always there, your team will always think of you. But that doesn't mean every question needs an immediate answer. Luna: So how do you actually start setting those boundaries without coming off as cold or unhelpful? Lucas: The key is to frame it around your own work, not as a rejection. Instead of saying 'Don't message me after six,' you say something like 'I'm going to protect my deep work time in the mornings, so I'll be slower to respond then. If it's urgent, call me.' That way, you're not saying 'I don't want to talk to you.' You're saying 'I want to give you my full attention when I do.' Luna: That reframe is powerful. It's not about building walls; it's about making the time you do have more valuable. Lucas: Precisely. And let's be honest, the hardest person to set boundaries with isn't your team — it's your own boss. When your manager piles on a new project and says 'I need this by Friday,' it's tough to push back. But as a new manager, you have to be the buffer for your team. Luna: How do you do that without seeming like you're just making excuses? Lucas: It's about bringing data. My friend did this — she kept a simple log of what her team was working on for two weeks. When her boss asked for one more thing, she could say, 'We have capacity for about ten hours this week. Here's what's already on the plate. What should we drop?' That turns a 'no' into a prioritization conversation. Luna: And it forces your boss to make the call, rather than just dumping work on you. Lucas: Exactly. And you know, sometimes the 'no' is actually a 'not yet.' You can say, 'We can get to this next week if we postpone that other thing.' But you have to be proactive. If you wait until you're drowning, it's too late. Luna: So it's about setting expectations early, not just reacting when things get crazy. Lucas: Right. And that brings me to another practical tool: the 'deep work window.' This is something a lot of tech teams use, but it works anywhere. You block off two hours a day, maybe in the morning, when the team knows you're off-limits for meetings and quick questions. You're working on the stuff that needs focus — strategy, performance reviews, tough feedback. Then the rest of the day, you're more available. Luna: But doesn't that just shift the availability problem? If you're off-limits for two hours, doesn't that mean you're even more behind later? Lucas: You'd think, but actually it's the opposite. Because when the team knows you have a focused block, they start to batch their questions and think more carefully about what they really need. The quality of interactions goes up. And you get to do the deep work that actually moves the needle, instead of just being reactive all day. Luna: That makes sense. I've read that it takes about twenty-three minutes to refocus after an interruption. So if you're getting pinged every ten minutes, you never really get anything done. Lucas: Exactly. And here's the thing: your team needs you to be at your best, not just available. If you're constantly interrupted, you're making decisions on the fly, and that's how mistakes happen. Luna: So what about when you're managing former peers? Doesn't setting boundaries make it even more awkward? Like, you're suddenly the boss and you're saying 'I'm not available right now.' Lucas: It's a different kind of awkward, for sure. But the same principle applies — being clear about your availability is actually a way of showing respect. You're treating them like professionals who can handle a little structure. And it sets the tone for your whole working relationship. Luna: So you're saying that boundaries aren't just about protecting your own time, but about helping your team become more autonomous? Lucas: Yes. If you're always answering questions, they never learn to figure things out for themselves. Setting boundaries forces them to try first, and they come back with better questions. It's a win-win. Luna: That's a great point. And I think it's worth mentioning — we've talked a lot about the 'how,' but there's also the 'who.' You need to be consistent. If you set a boundary but then break it every other day, your team learns that the boundary is meaningless. Lucas: Absolutely. Consistency is the whole game. And it's hard. There will be weeks where you slip, especially when there's a big deadline or a crisis. But the key is to get back on track quickly. Your team will forgive a few slips if the overall pattern is clear. Luna: So, let's say you've set your response budget, you've got your deep work windows, and you're being consistent. What if your team still doesn't respect it? What if they keep pinging you in off-hours? Lucas: Then you have to have a direct conversation. Not a passive-aggressive status update, but a real sit-down. Say, 'I've noticed you're reaching out after hours. Help me understand what's driving that.' Sometimes it's a genuine need — maybe they're working different hours and they need you then. So you adjust. But sometimes it's just habit, and a gentle reminder is enough. Luna: And if it's a habit, you can help them break it. Maybe suggest they write the question in a doc and you'll get to it first thing in the morning. Lucas: Exactly. And that's actually a great habit for the whole team — if a question comes up outside your available hours, they jot it down and bring it to the next check-in. It's amazing how many things can wait a few hours. Luna: So boundaries are not just about saying 'no.' They're about creating a rhythm that lets everyone do their best work. Lucas: That's the takeaway. And you know, it's been a while, but I want to mention something that's a little behind the scenes. We do this podcast without ads, and it's funded by listeners who chip in a few bucks a month through buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. Luna: Yeah, it's a small group, but it's what keeps us going. And it lets us make episodes like this, deep on one topic, without a sponsor to please. Lucas: So if you've gotten value from these conversations, that's a real way to help. No pressure. Now back to boundaries — because I want to talk about one more scenario. Luna: Please. Lucas: What about when you're setting boundaries with a senior person on your team who thinks they know better? You're the new manager, but they've been there for years, and they expect to have your ear whenever they want. Luna: Oh, that's a tricky one. That's when boundaries get personal. Lucas: It is. And the mistake is to get into a power struggle. Instead, you can use the same prioritization framing. Say, 'I value your experience a lot, and I want to make sure I'm giving you the attention you deserve. So let's find a time each week where we can talk through whatever's on your mind.' That way, you're respecting them while also setting a predictable structure. Luna: So you're not saying 'don't talk to me,' you're saying 'let's talk at a time that works for both of us.' Lucas: Right. And usually, the senior person just wants to feel heard. If you give them a regular slot, they're less likely to grab you randomly. That's a win. Luna: And what about your own boundaries? What happens when you're the one who can't stop checking email at night? Lucas: Ah, that's the hardest one. You have to practice what you preach. If you're pinging your team at nine p.m., they'll feel like they have to respond. So set a rule for yourself: when you're off, you're off. And if you do send something, add a note like 'No need to reply tonight, just thinking out loud.' Luna: That's a good tip. I've seen managers do that, and it really does lower the anxiety. Lucas: So, as we wrap up, I think the big takeaway is that boundaries aren't about being unhelpful. They're about being helpful in a way that's sustainable. And it's a skill you can learn, like any other. Luna: And it gets easier with practice. The first few times you set a boundary, it feels awkward. But then it becomes second nature. Lucas: Agreed. So if you're a new manager struggling with this, start small. Pick one boundary you want to set this week, and just try it. See what happens. You might be surprised.