Latest / The Confident Entrepreneur With Jennifer Ann Johnson / Burnout Isn’t a Badge of Honor With Charity Stilson

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Burnout Isn’t a Badge of Honor With Charity Stilson · The Confident Entrepreneur With Jennifer Ann Johnson

• 0:38
  Jennifer Johnson: Running a business can feel like you're constantly fighting fires.
• 0:42
  Jennifer Johnson: You're struggling and juggling a million tasks and pushing yourself to the limit.
• 0:48
  Jennifer Johnson: And somewhere along the line, many of us start believing that exhaustion is really just part of that entrepreneurial journey.
• 0:56
  Jennifer Johnson: And that if we're not completely drained at the end of the day, we're not working hard enough.
• 1:00
  Jennifer Johnson: How many of us have felt that?
• 1:02
  Jennifer Johnson: But what if I told you that success and successful business owners aren't the ones who are burning themselves into the ground, but they're the ones who have completely mastered a completely different mindset that surrounds energy and it surrounds rest and sustainable success, something that takes you into the long run, the long game with your business.
• 1:29
  Jennifer Johnson: Today, we have the pleasure of having on the show Charity Stilson.
• 1:34
  Jennifer Johnson: She is the owner and founder of her own business that helps women who are feeling stuck, stressed out, and most of all, burned out.
• 1:45
  Jennifer Johnson: We're going to explore how shifting your mindset can be the key to not just surviving as a business owner, but actually thriving in it without burning out.
• 1:56
  Jennifer Johnson: So I am so excited to have you with us today, Charity.
• 1:59
  Charity Stilson: Thank you for inviting me, Jennifer.
• 2:01
  Jennifer Johnson: I I just so want to dive into this topic because specifically as women business owners, you know, a lot of us are moms and we're caregivers and we're all of these other things where we're going 24-7.
• 2:14
  Jennifer Johnson: And if we're not burning out at home, we're burning out at business because we do our business very much like we do being a mom or being a caregiver, right?
• 2:22
  Jennifer Johnson: We're always just on the go.
• 2:25
  Charity Stilson: Very true.
• 2:26
  Charity Stilson: All the roles, all the happens all the time, no matter the age of your children or where you're at in your business.
• 2:33
  Charity Stilson: It's just how it is.
• 2:34
  Jennifer Johnson: It's 24-7.
• 2:35
  Jennifer Johnson: Exactly.
• 2:36
  Jennifer Johnson: So I want to start with that mindset.
• 2:39
  Jennifer Johnson: What do you think is the biggest mental shift that business owners can make when it comes to thinking about burnout and thinking about exhaustion and how they should be?
• 2:51
  Charity Stilson: So it's an interesting concept because, you know, as business owners and entrepreneurs and in corporate, it's everything is the grind.
• 3:01
  Charity Stilson: Everything is get more and more and more and more done.
• 3:03
  Charity Stilson: And yet we really have to slow down to speed up.
• 3:07
  Charity Stilson: And it it's hard because we get in our head and we have we are busy and we have to be busy, but we really have to slow down.
• 3:17
  Charity Stilson: Right.
• 3:18
  Charity Stilson: And the biggest mind shift for me, I think, is really being able to spend some time to just sit with yourself, which is a really hard thing because we're just thinking of all the things that we need to do, you know, and then the emotions that go with sitting down, feeling guilty or, you know, lazy, or I am not doing what I should be doing.
• 3:40
  Charity Stilson: And yet, if we take the the time for the little things throughout the day, you know, and reset ourselves, then we can get all the things done and still still have that calm and peace inside ourselves, which I I learned the hard way.
• 3:55
  Charity Stilson: You can't keep going and going and going.
• 3:57
  Jennifer Johnson: You just bodies we're not meant to do that.
• 4:00
  Jennifer Johnson: You're you're right.
• 4:02
  Jennifer Johnson: But I when you mentioned guilt, I immediately I'm like, huh, yes, right?
• 4:07
  Jennifer Johnson: Because you take five minutes to sit down or or 25 minutes to sit down and watch a TV show, and you're like, oh, I'm so lazy.
• 4:13
  Jennifer Johnson: Yes.
• 4:15
  Charity Stilson: And I think, you know, it always goes to deeper things at the root.
• 4:19
  Charity Stilson: You know, why do we believe that we're guilty if we take time to rest?
• 4:24
  Charity Stilson: And why as a society have we become, you know, wearing wearing busyness busyness is like this badge of honor.
• 4:35
  Charity Stilson: You know, I mean you talk to somebody and you're how are you?
• 4:39
  Charity Stilson: Oh, I'm just so busy, you know.
• 4:41
  Charity Stilson: Life is just so busy, time just goes by so fast.
• 4:43
  Charity Stilson: And that's like the lead of our conversations nowadays.
• 4:46
  Charity Stilson: And you know, I was at a little drive-in a couple months ago, and there was this older guy there, and he was going to each table and talking to people that he knew, and it was so funny.
• 5:00
  Charity Stilson: He went down and sat down and ate dinner with his wife, and then she left and went out in the car and was waiting for him.
• 5:06
  Charity Stilson: And he still went back and was talking to some of these people, and he probably was close to 90, I would bet.
• 5:14
  Charity Stilson: And I said to my husband, I said, We have lost that ability to just relax and be and see people and visit.
• 5:26
  Charity Stilson: And it instantly reminded me of when I was a young child, I would go to my grandparents during the summer or on the weekends, and my grandpa went to the coffee shop every single day at 10:30.
• 5:39
  Charity Stilson: And him and his buddies would just shoot the bull, really.
• 5:43
  Charity Stilson: And I remember as a little girl, I had no idea what they were talking about or what field or what farmer or anything, but they took that time out of their day and then they went back to work.
• 5:53
  Charity Stilson: You know, they woke up and got their work done, they went and visited, and then they went back to work.
• 5:58
  Charity Stilson: And we don't do that, even in lunch.
• 6:00
  Charity Stilson: Okay.
• 6:08
  Jennifer Johnson: I had that very similar experience.
• 6:10
  Jennifer Johnson: So my it was my dad.
• 6:12
  Jennifer Johnson: My dad would always go to this coffee shop in town at a certain time.
• 6:15
  Jennifer Johnson: It was probably 10:30, 10, 10:30.
• 6:18
  Jennifer Johnson: He would go sit there, and I remember being really little, and I'm sitting there on the stool.
• 6:22
  Jennifer Johnson: You know, my legs didn't even touch the ground.
• 6:24
  Jennifer Johnson: They probably still don't even touch the ground.
• 6:25
  Jennifer Johnson: I'm I'm rather short, but and I would get a chocolate chip cookie and a glass of water in this red glass.
• 6:32
  Jennifer Johnson: I can still remember it.
• 6:33
  Jennifer Johnson: And he would, we would shoot the crap with his friends.
• 6:37
  Jennifer Johnson: Again, you're right, didn't know what they were talking about, didn't really care because I was happy.
• 6:42
  Jennifer Johnson: But we've lost that.
• 6:43
  Jennifer Johnson: That's the art of conversation, the art of connection that I feel like you're talking about.
• 6:48
  Charity Stilson: Yes.
• 6:49
  Charity Stilson: And you know, they have said that we have an epidemic of loneliness, and we've become so overly connected that we're so disconnected because our brain and our nervous system literally cannot handle that much information.
• 7:04
  Charity Stilson: It has got to have some downtime and some connection to the people that are around us, whoever they are.
• 7:11
  Jennifer Johnson: Right.
• 7:12
  Jennifer Johnson: So I'm curious, I in your journey with this, what was the point or the moment that you realized that working to exhaustion really wasn't getting you to where you should be, needed to be, wanted to be?
• 7:26
  Jennifer Johnson: Where was that point?
• 7:28
  Jennifer Johnson: So there were actually two huge pivotal parts or points in my life.
• 7:34
  Charity Stilson: And the first was we were involved in a car accident and I ended up having a neck surgery.
• 7:39
  Charity Stilson: And the nurse said, You will need to recover for this long.
• 7:45
  Charity Stilson: You can't even lift a gallon of milk.
• 7:47
  Charity Stilson: I have small children, and in my mind, I'm like, whatever, I will just push through this.
• 7:53
  Charity Stilson: I do not have time for this.
• 7:55
  Charity Stilson: And Jennifer, I literally could not take the time to even recover from a surgery.
• 8:03
  Jennifer Johnson: Yes.
• 8:03
  Charity Stilson: And I had all the support I needed.
• 8:05
  Charity Stilson: It wasn't that, it was me inside.
• 8:07
  Charity Stilson: You know, that energizer bunny inside of always happened to go and do.
• 8:12
  Charity Stilson: And I don't know anything about that.
• 8:14
  Charity Stilson: And I had the realization that I was really truly addicted to stress.
• 8:22
  Charity Stilson: I I had to have that dopamine hit of get something done and look at my to-do list and do all the things.
• 8:30
  Charity Stilson: And my life was great.
• 8:31
  Charity Stilson: It really was.
• 8:32
  Charity Stilson: But I was pushing through, and I I literally could not relax and rest to recover, which of course then it takes longer to recover.
• 8:43
  Charity Stilson: So really you're working against yourself, you know.
• 8:46
  Charity Stilson: And about 10 years later, during COVID, I had a thermogram, a breast exam, and it did not come back with great results.
• 8:57
  Charity Stilson: And, you know, here I am working with people on the connection of the body and the mind, and you know, what are our belief systems?
• 9:05
  Charity Stilson: And I knew all of the answers, Jennifer.
• 9:09
  Charity Stilson: And I mean, I couldn't do it for myself.
• 9:13
  Charity Stilson: And I really had to dig deep in 2020 and look at myself and say, okay, I have to re-evaluate.
• 9:21
  Charity Stilson: I can be successful, I can be a great mom, I can be involved, I can do all the things, and I still have to take some time for myself.
• 9:30
  Charity Stilson: And the day that this is really kind of funny because the day that I realized I was doing better, because you know, we're like this up and down.
• 9:38
  Charity Stilson: We do better and then we kind of slip back, you know.
• 9:40
  Charity Stilson: And the day that I realized we were having a little dinner at our house, and usually I'm like rushing and trying to get too much done in the amount of time that I have, my expectations are way too high for myself.
• 9:54
  Charity Stilson: I'm so unrealistic a lot of times.
• 9:57
  Charity Stilson: And I sat down and I looked at the clock and everything was ready, and it was 30 minutes before everybody was to arrive.
• 10:05
  Charity Stilson: And I, it was the biggest thing for me to say, holy cow.
• 10:10
  Charity Stilson: Like I can actually sit here and enjoy.
• 10:12
  Charity Stilson: And then when dinner comes and all of your guests arrive, you can enjoy the time rather than feeling like you're behind or running to the next thing.
• 10:20
  Charity Stilson: So little things but big things in life teach us, teach us our lessons.
• 10:26
  Jennifer Johnson: Absolutely.
• 10:26
  Jennifer Johnson: And and I would have to agree, 2020, the year of COVID, was that for a lot of people where they were able to step back and go, let me reevaluate this, let me see why, you know, let me put all the pieces together and kind of recalibrate.
• 10:41
  Jennifer Johnson: What are some toxic beliefs or thought patterns that you see a lot of business owners still holding on to?
• 10:51
  Charity Stilson: Um, you know, a lot of people talk about imposter syndrome.
• 10:55
  Charity Stilson: I don't I don't necessarily use that title with my work.
• 11:00
  Charity Stilson: And yet it really is a huge thing at the core, you know, feeling that we're not enough.
• 11:07
  Charity Stilson: And most of our belief systems go back to our childhood.
• 11:11
  Charity Stilson: You know, when our our brain is at that stage from age zero to seven where it's not fully developed, and we're just taking life in and trying to figure out how life works, and we learn that from our environment, whether that's a healthy or unhealthy.
• 11:24
  Charity Stilson: I had a great childhood, and my mom was like crazy busy all the time.
• 11:30
  Charity Stilson: Like she was, I don't ever remember her sitting down, and it did catch up to a young age.
• 11:36
  Charity Stilson: You know, so a lot of our beliefs go to our young age experience, whether it's at home or at school, like I'm not enough or I need to prove myself.
• 11:48
  Charity Stilson: Um a big one is just this sense of responsibility that people feel to, you know, take care of everyone else, especially women.
• 11:58
  Charity Stilson: And depending on things that have happened in our life, and it's like, okay, I'm responsible for myself, not responsible for everyone else.
• 12:07
  Charity Stilson: And when I'm in a good place, then I can support myself, and then that extends to support everyone else.
• 12:15
  Charity Stilson: So I would say not being enough comparison is a huge one.
• 12:20
  Jennifer Johnson: Yeah, comparisonitis.
• 12:22
  Jennifer Johnson: We've all heard that before, right?
• 12:23
  Jennifer Johnson: Yes.
• 12:24
  Jennifer Johnson: So so you know, you've heard the good stress, the bad stress, and all of that, but how how do you distinguish and know between what's being a productive stress, like, oh, I have to work under this deadline and get this done, and and you know, those things that push you to grow a little bit, and the the the destructive one of stress.
• 12:46
  Jennifer Johnson: How do you distinguish between those two?
• 12:48
  Jennifer Johnson: And how do you so figure that out?
• 12:51
  Charity Stilson: I actually teach um with my clients the three aspects of stress.
• 12:56
  Charity Stilson: One is the fight or flight freeze mode, which is what most of us know about, or we're in all the time, you know.
• 13:04
  Charity Stilson: And I remember one time, Jennifer going to the doctor, and it was after my mom had passed away, and I had a new baby, and and I was struggling, and they're like, You've got to get rid of some of your stress.
• 13:15
  Charity Stilson: And I'm like, what do I get rid of?
• 13:17
  Charity Stilson: Like, I I had to look to something else.
• 13:21
  Charity Stilson: And you know, the bottom line is we all have stress, good or bad, and we've got to learn how to help our body to respond to it in a healthy way.
• 13:32
  Charity Stilson: And so when you really look at stress in three aspects, we've got fight or flight or freeze, which is healthy, you know, and we have to get out of the stress sometimes.
• 13:42
  Charity Stilson: The problem is that when we're constantly seeing life and things in our in our life as a trigger, or there's something subconsciously that is triggering that's keeping us in that fight or flight mode, that's when it becomes a negative stress.
• 13:57
  Charity Stilson: You know, the second mode is challenge mode.
• 14:00
  Charity Stilson: If I'm prepared for something, or say I have a big project and I'm prepared for it, then that is good stress.
• 14:08
  Charity Stilson: Like, and you get the endorphins and the dopamine release from accomplishing that stress.
• 14:13
  Charity Stilson: You know, I think the biggest thing in that aspect is really being able to be focused in what you're doing.
• 14:20
  Charity Stilson: And I teach my clients like, make a box, you know, if you need to put your family in a box while you're working on this project, then put them in the box and focus, and then when you're done, you can take them out.
• 14:30
  Charity Stilson: It's a good analogy.
• 14:30
  Charity Stilson: Alleviate some of those other stressors because it is something that you need to do and that is good.
• 14:39
  Charity Stilson: And in the end, you do get that sense of accomplishment.
• 14:42
  Charity Stilson: So I think it's being able to respond to the stress in that aspect rather than reactionary.
• 14:48
  Charity Stilson: And then the third mode is actually what I call like tribe mode or tandem befriend.
• 14:55
  Charity Stilson: And you can look it up, it's scientific, all of these modes, like they're backed by science.
• 15:00
  Charity Stilson: But you know, when we do have stressful situations, we have our tribe, we have our people that are around us, and that's governed by the hormone oxytocin, which actually takes scores all that bad guy down and reverses the effects of that.
• 15:15
  Charity Stilson: And we can get through anything if we have a support system.
• 15:19
  Charity Stilson: It may not be what we want, it may not be the end result that we want, but we can get through it.
• 15:25
  Jennifer Johnson: Those are three great points, most certainly.
• 15:28
  Jennifer Johnson: How much does perfectionism play into all of this?
• 15:33
  Jennifer Johnson: Because I I personally I am not a perfectionist.
• 15:37
  Jennifer Johnson: So for me, that world is is uh I'm a getter done kind of girl.
• 15:41
  Jennifer Johnson: That's me, but I know a lot of people who are perfectionists.
• 15:45
  Jennifer Johnson: And how does that play into burnout?
• 15:47
  Jennifer Johnson: I I would have to imagine quite a bit.
• 15:51
  Charity Stilson: I think it's huge.
• 15:52
  Charity Stilson: I mean, I'm a recovering perfectionist, and you know, I remember thinking again back to the expectations of myself.
• 16:00
  Charity Stilson: They were so high.
• 16:02
  Charity Stilson: And I remember talking to a friend one day, and she always seemed more I don't know.
• 16:08
  Charity Stilson: I mean, she's a high, high-level stress person, but she had this sense of calm.
• 16:13
  Charity Stilson: And I said, How do you do?
• 16:15
  Charity Stilson: And she's like, Well, attorney, this is what you do.
• 16:17
  Charity Stilson: You have the list of 25 things that you're doing, and I have a list of three things.
• 16:21
  Charity Stilson: And when I get those three things done, then I feel accomplished.
• 16:25
  Charity Stilson: And that changed my life, you know, realistic expectations of ourselves.
• 16:32
  Charity Stilson: But again, Jennifer, we have to go to the core beliefs.
• 16:35
  Charity Stilson: You know, why do I feel like I have to be perfect?
• 16:37
  Charity Stilson: And again, I said I had a great childhood, but I still remember clear back in first grade.
• 16:43
  Charity Stilson: Me and this girl were in competition of who could get our work done the quist quickest, you know, and we had good grades and all those things.
• 16:51
  Charity Stilson: And my teacher was very strict, she was an older lady.
• 16:54
  Charity Stilson: I didn't get the nice teacher, so to speak.
• 16:57
  Charity Stilson: And I remember being in the little parent-teacher conference, and my mom's there, and she pulls out my work, and it has me, you know, not like it was not good work.
• 17:09
  Charity Stilson: It was just scribbling through lines because we were racing, and she just said how this was not acceptable.
• 17:15
  Charity Stilson: And and I've thought about that a lot, Jennifer.
• 17:18
  Charity Stilson: I thought, what was it in me as this little first grader that felt like I had to have the need to be done first and be better?
• 17:26
  Charity Stilson: And I was already comparing myself at that age, which knowing what I know kind of uh it blows my mind a little bit because cognitively, you know, our brains aren't to a place where we can think through things, but we learn from our environment.
• 17:42
  Charity Stilson: And I think a lot of my things came from school.
• 17:45
  Charity Stilson: Like I was always the rule follower, I was the oldest child, you know, I always wanted to do things right, I didn't want to get in trouble, and I think that created my perfectionism as an adult to I don't have to be better than everyone, it's not that, but it's the expectations of doing it right and doing it perfect and and being at the top.
• 18:09
  Charity Stilson: It's not healthy.
• 18:10
  Jennifer Johnson: So many similarities.
• 18:11
  Jennifer Johnson: It's crazy because I can remember wanting to be the fastest at schoolwork.
• 18:16
  Jennifer Johnson: And but isn't that interesting how something way back is first grade, you remember that, and that has been something that has been ingrained in your head for this long.
• 20:53
  Jennifer Johnson: Yes, I find that fascinating.
• 20:55
  Charity Stilson: It is it is so interesting, and my clients will say, like, it really goes back to my childhood.
• 21:00
  Charity Stilson: Yes, 100%.
• 21:01
  Charity Stilson: That's when we're that's when we're figuring out life, we're figuring out how we function in the world, how the world functions, you know, what is safe, what's not, and what is okay and what is not.
• 21:14
  Charity Stilson: When do I get in trouble?
• 21:15
  Charity Stilson: When am I praised?
• 21:16
  Charity Stilson: And that is when we're really forming our beliefs and you know how we view the world and how we think the view the world views us.
• 21:25
  Jennifer Johnson: Right.
• 21:26
  Jennifer Johnson: We're gonna switch into some strategy now.
• 21:29
  Jennifer Johnson: Some strategy around specifically how what specific mindset tools can or or mental strategies, I guess, can help business owners catch this and catch that impending, I I don't want to say doom, but impending burnout before they feel themselves, you know, falling down that slippery slope of overwhelm.
• 21:55
  Jennifer Johnson: What can stop you?
• 21:56
  Jennifer Johnson: So of course the biggest thing is awareness.
• 22:00
  Charity Stilson: And awareness comes with a couple things.
• 22:03
  Charity Stilson: Um, you know, we we try to just look at the physical body or just look at the mental.
• 22:09
  Charity Stilson: And we really can't.
• 22:11
  Charity Stilson: You really have to combine the two because it's who we are.
• 22:15
  Charity Stilson: You can't separate one without the other and and live.
• 22:19
  Charity Stilson: You know, so awareness is a huge piece.
• 22:23
  Charity Stilson: And uh a big part of my work is the mind-body connection.
• 22:28
  Charity Stilson: I'll have clients say, you know, my neck is just really killing me.
• 22:32
  Charity Stilson: I think it must be my bed, or I need a new bed, or I need a new pillow, and it's no, you need to look deeper.
• 22:37
  Charity Stilson: Like, why is your neck really hurting?
• 22:39
  Charity Stilson: You know, I always have low back pain when I'm sitting in this specific meeting or I am so tired all the day, I just drink caffeine to get me through the whole entire day.
• 22:49
  Charity Stilson: That is your body saying, Hey, you need to stop and you need to slow down.
• 22:55
  Charity Stilson: And our body gives us the signals way before we get to burnout.
• 23:01
  Charity Stilson: But we just push through them.
• 23:03
  Charity Stilson: But the biggest thing is we can be aware, but as business owners, you know, and we just push through because we've got to get that project finished and get to the next level.
• 23:16
  Charity Stilson: And so the first thing I always say is awareness.
• 23:20
  Charity Stilson: Now, this is it, this is where I differ with um a lot of coaches and consultants when it comes to mindset.
• 23:29
  Charity Stilson: You know, you can sit and tell yourself, I'm happy or I'm gonna have a good day, or this person doesn't bother me, but that subconscious part will overrule the conscious mind every single time.
• 23:43
  Charity Stilson: Your internal dialogue.
• 23:45
  Charity Stilson: And it is proven scientifically that Bruce Lift and I love to listen to him, but he talks about the subconscious mind, how it works at 40 million bits per second, and conscious mind is only 40 bits per second.
• 23:59
  Charity Stilson: So consciously you can say, you know, I'm gonna push through this, I'm happy, I'm having a good day.
• 24:05
  Charity Stilson: And subconsciously, again, there's all those belief systems, and your body's really telling you to slow down.
• 24:11
  Charity Stilson: So people, this is this is where the the problem lies, is they become aware and then they start to listen, but they really don't have the ability to take action because they're stuck in that stress loop.
• 24:25
  Charity Stilson: So you really need to stop, become aware where you're at, where your body's at, but also where your thought process is at.
• 24:34
  Jennifer Johnson: Right.
• 24:34
  Jennifer Johnson: You know, as that internal dialogue that yes, it's on repeat.
• 24:39
  Charity Stilson: Yep.
• 24:39
  Charity Stilson: Those neural pathways in our brain become so trodden with those same beliefs that we say every single day.
• 24:48
  Charity Stilson: And so I tell my clients, be aware physically.
• 24:52
  Charity Stilson: What is my body trying to tell me?
• 24:54
  Charity Stilson: Oh, today's a good day.
• 24:55
  Charity Stilson: Good.
• 24:55
  Charity Stilson: Make sure you're hydrated.
• 24:57
  Charity Stilson: Sleep is so important to take care of yourself physically.
• 25:00
  Charity Stilson: Then you need to be aware of where your thought process is.
• 25:02
  Charity Stilson: Processes.
• 25:03
  Charity Stilson: And once you become aware, you'll realize where your thoughts are.
• 25:08
  Charity Stilson: You're repeating the same thing all the time.
• 25:10
  Charity Stilson: And when you become aware of that negative thought process, whether it's about a boss or writing an email or showing up for your people, whatever it is, become aware of it.
• 25:20
  Charity Stilson: Nope, not useful.
• 25:22
  Charity Stilson: And think of something positive.
• 25:23
  Charity Stilson: And that is called a pattern interrupt.
• 25:25
  Charity Stilson: It really truly takes that neural pathway and it stops it and it moves it to something else.
• 25:34
  Jennifer Johnson: I think you cut out there for a second.
• 25:36
  Jennifer Johnson: Oh, did I?
• 25:37
  Jennifer Johnson: You did.
• 25:39
  Jennifer Johnson: You cut out for just a second.
• 25:40
  Jennifer Johnson: I just clipped this so I could say where we where that happened.
• 25:44
  Jennifer Johnson: Um you were saying it's the the neural patterns.
• 25:50
  Charity Stilson: Okay, so like the neural pathways.
• 25:52
  Charity Stilson: Yes, neural pathways.
• 25:53
  Charity Stilson: Okay.
• 25:54
  Charity Stilson: So the neural pathways are where those trodden thoughts continually go every single day.
• 26:00
  Charity Stilson: And they are repetitive.
• 26:01
  Charity Stilson: You know, when you really think about it, it's the same things that you're thinking, but consciously we don't realize we're thinking it.
• 26:08
  Charity Stilson: Oh, I'm just busy and I'm happy and I'm getting through life.
• 26:11
  Charity Stilson: And if I just push through, yep, if I just push through and wear that badge, I'll be fine.
• 26:16
  Charity Stilson: But subconsciously, what is going on?
• 26:19
  Charity Stilson: Right.
• 26:19
  Charity Stilson: You know, so you can become aware of the physical body.
• 26:23
  Charity Stilson: What is it telling you?
• 26:25
  Charity Stilson: You know, uh, do I have headaches every day?
• 26:27
  Charity Stilson: Why am I having a headache?
• 26:29
  Charity Stilson: Am I dehydrated?
• 26:30
  Charity Stilson: Is it sleep?
• 26:31
  Charity Stilson: For women, is it hormones?
• 26:32
  Charity Stilson: There's so many things that contribute.
• 26:34
  Charity Stilson: But then we have to go deeper and look at the connection of the mind also.
• 26:38
  Charity Stilson: And where are those thoughts?
• 26:41
  Charity Stilson: And how do we help stop them?
• 26:44
  Charity Stilson: You know, when we get going down that path, not useful.
• 26:47
  Charity Stilson: I'm thinking of something else, and that creates a new pathway.
• 26:51
  Charity Stilson: So I I am a big person on mindset and what we focus on expands.
• 26:58
  Charity Stilson: And yet we cannot forget the deeper part of the subconscious mind and the connection of the body and the mind.
• 27:03
  Charity Stilson: We're missing a huge piece.
• 27:05
  Charity Stilson: And it really does keep people stuck.
• 27:09
  Jennifer Johnson: But you know, okay, so you're aware of, you know, the fact that you need to slow down and you need to smell the proverbial roses, right?
• 27:18
  Jennifer Johnson: But there's that fear in people that if I slow down, somebody else is gonna go ahead of me.
• 27:26
  Jennifer Johnson: They're gonna take my place in line, right?
• 27:28
  Jennifer Johnson: And taking breaks, just not good.
• 27:32
  Jennifer Johnson: It's not for me because I just know because I think I'm comparing myself to somebody, right?
• 27:38
  Jennifer Johnson: I think that for me and for a lot of people that I have talked to, it's like if I slow down, someone else is going to be ahead of me or my competitor is gonna be ahead of me, and then they start comparing themselves.
• 27:48
  Jennifer Johnson: So it's like two things in one.
• 27:49
  Jennifer Johnson: How do you push past that part of it?
• 27:54
  Jennifer Johnson: Is that still the rewiring?
• 27:56
  Charity Stilson: Yes, it is the rewiring.
• 27:58
  Charity Stilson: Again, being aware of the thought.
• 27:59
  Charity Stilson: That thought is not useful.
• 28:00
  Charity Stilson: You know, Jennifer, I do the same thing.
• 28:03
  Charity Stilson: I think when you are a driven person, you naturally do look at the next person and think, I'm behind.
• 28:09
  Charity Stilson: Like, why am I not there already?
• 28:11
  Charity Stilson: And we have to really look at our own individual life.
• 28:15
  Charity Stilson: Like their story is not my story, their process is not my process.
• 28:21
  Charity Stilson: And yes, they may be in the same line of work as you, but how you work with your clients is totally different than how they work with their clients.
• 28:31
  Charity Stilson: And I have to remind myself of that.
• 28:33
  Charity Stilson: That is one one thing that I do.
• 28:36
  Charity Stilson: The other thing is I and I still work on this, we are where we're supposed to be.
• 28:43
  Charity Stilson: Yes, you know, why do we feel that need to like I'm in the wrong place?
• 28:48
  Charity Stilson: Or, you know, and again, why do we feel behind?
• 28:53
  Charity Stilson: What are we comparing ourselves to?
• 28:55
  Charity Stilson: And I personally think like it's a natural place to be, but I also think with social media and electronics, it's made it worse because we do have all of this to compare ourselves to.
• 29:09
  Charity Stilson: And truthfully, Jennifer, sometimes I just have to unfollow some people so that I don't compare myself to where they're at.
• 29:17
  Jennifer Johnson: It's healthy to do that, right?
• 29:19
  Jennifer Johnson: To be like, no, I can't I can't look at this person anymore because they're always, you know, white picket fence.
• 29:26
  Charity Stilson: Yep, exactly.
• 29:27
  Charity Stilson: Exactly.
• 29:28
  Charity Stilson: The white picket fence is, and social media is the worst for that.
• 29:32
  Charity Stilson: People are putting on their fake selves, their best day, their whatever you want to call it.
• 29:38
  Charity Stilson: And we're comparing it to our worst.
• 29:41
  Charity Stilson: So we really in that comparison piece, in everything, we're comparing our worst to their best, or we're behind and they're ahead.
• 29:51
  Charity Stilson: We don't know where they're at in their career, we don't know where they're at in their trajectory of their journey.
• 29:58
  Charity Stilson: We have no idea.
• 29:59
  Charity Stilson: And most likely they probably feel the same way we do.
• 30:03
  Charity Stilson: Right.
• 30:03
  Charity Stilson: It's their story.
• 30:04
  Charity Stilson: We don't know their story, we're not living it.
• 30:07
  Charity Stilson: Right.
• 30:07
  Charity Stilson: I teach, you know, I said this to um one of my clients the other day, a younger um adult.
• 30:15
  Charity Stilson: I said, there will always be somebody who's bigger, better, faster, smarter.
• 30:20
  Charity Stilson: Always it does not change our value.
• 30:27
  Charity Stilson: And Jennifer people have such a hard time with that.
• 30:30
  Charity Stilson: They have such a hard time that their value is connected to their accomplishments or how much money they make or the car they drive, or you know, back to all the roles that we play.
• 30:43
  Charity Stilson: Yes, we do play a role.
• 30:46
  Charity Stilson: But our identity, our characteristics, our own personality traits are what make us good at that role.
• 30:54
  Charity Stilson: You take the role away, and I'm still me.
• 30:58
  Charity Stilson: And I still have those characteristics.
• 31:01
  Charity Stilson: And that's across the board for everyone.
• 31:05
  Jennifer Johnson: That's a great message.
• 31:06
  Jennifer Johnson: Yeah.
• 31:07
  Jennifer Johnson: It is a great message.
• 31:09
  Jennifer Johnson: So, charity, when when we're we're all going to be faced with obstacles in our life, there's gonna always be challenges.
• 31:17
  Jennifer Johnson: Some people view the challenges as opportunities, and others look at it like, how am I ever, I'm never gonna get past this?
• 31:24
  Jennifer Johnson: And they go about it that way.
• 31:26
  Jennifer Johnson: How do you foster that mindset and build that mindset of this opportunity is going to open a door?
• 31:33
  Jennifer Johnson: This is happening for me.
• 31:35
  Jennifer Johnson: It's not happening to me.
• 31:37
  Jennifer Johnson: How do you foster that a little bit more in your day-to-day life?
• 31:41
  Charity Stilson: You know, I I have truly lived this.
• 31:43
  Charity Stilson: I've had some really, really traumatic hard situations.
• 31:48
  Charity Stilson: And, you know, some of them were deaths, some of them were other hard experiences that are more an ongoing thing.
• 31:56
  Charity Stilson: And I really it's hard when you're in it, you know, like and I get emotional about it, Jennifer, because when you're in it, like the emotions are so raw.
• 32:09
  Charity Stilson: And you really are just like trying to survive day to day, and sometimes you just feel like the world is against you, and yet, you know, I look back at this specific situation, and yeah, I made it through, and I had all those modes of stress, you know.
• 32:29
  Charity Stilson: But I really had to get to a point where you know, people are like, sometimes you need to just be grateful for your challenges and your trials and the hard things.
• 32:38
  Charity Stilson: And I told my husband, I'm like, I don't know if I can say I'm grateful for those things.
• 32:45
  Charity Stilson: I don't know if I will in this lifetime.
• 32:47
  Charity Stilson: However, they have changed me for the better because I've learned things.
• 32:55
  Charity Stilson: I've learned things about myself, I've learned things about other people.
• 32:58
  Charity Stilson: And you know, it is hard when you're in it, but again, when you're really in the thick of it, you just have to really take your resources and use them for what you can.
• 33:11
  Charity Stilson: And I my mom taught me as a young child, you know what, when you wake up, you can do your chores with a smile on your face or you can be honored about it.
• 33:19
  Charity Stilson: Right.
• 33:20
  Charity Stilson: I think again, back to childhood beliefs, you know, that was really ingrained in me.
• 33:25
  Charity Stilson: So I was blessed that way.
• 33:27
  Charity Stilson: I do try to look at things in that aspect, but we have to be aware of our thought processes.
• 33:34
  Charity Stilson: And I think too, when we're really in it and something seems hard, we can always look at something that we have accomplished.
• 33:42
  Charity Stilson: And how did I accomplish that?
• 33:44
  Charity Stilson: And what did I learn?
• 33:45
  Charity Stilson: Okay, if I did that then, I can apply it to now.
• 33:49
  Charity Stilson: Totally different situations, but it's the same methodology, it's just having a mindset of okay, let's be realistic about this and look at what I really can accomplish.
• 34:00
  Charity Stilson: And what is this moment trying to teach me?
• 34:03
  Charity Stilson: Yes, and it's hard.
• 34:06
  Jennifer Johnson: It's hard when you're in it.
• 34:07
  Jennifer Johnson: It is.
• 34:08
  Jennifer Johnson: You don't realize the lesson until you're actually out of it.
• 34:12
  Jennifer Johnson: No, is really the thing because when you're in it, all you can do is survive.
• 34:17
  Jennifer Johnson: And then you look on the outside afterwards and go, that was the lesson.
• 34:23
  Jennifer Johnson: And sometimes it doesn't happen, you know, on a on a certain time level.
• 34:27
  Jennifer Johnson: It could be six months to a year after something happens and you realize the light bulb comes on.
• 34:32
  Charity Stilson: Yeah, and sometimes it's even years later that that's very true.
• 34:36
  Charity Stilson: Very true.
• 34:37
  Charity Stilson: I had an aha just the other day.
• 34:39
  Charity Stilson: I was, you know, because I am not perfect at what I do.
• 34:43
  Charity Stilson: I mean, I I constantly am working on these things because we live life.
• 34:49
  Charity Stilson: And I have a specific goal that has been hard for me to take action and do some small steps.
• 34:55
  Charity Stilson: And all of a sudden I had this final moment.
• 34:57
  Charity Stilson: And I text my friend and I said, I think that I'm stuck because of this college professor that I had this final on, and she appeared to be like such this happy, nice person, and she was not, and she totally rejected my final project.
• 35:13
  Charity Stilson: And I just laughed, Jennifer.
• 35:15
  Charity Stilson: I'm like, okay, A, why would I remember that?
• 35:17
  Charity Stilson: That was how many years ago?
• 35:18
  Charity Stilson: I don't even know that.
• 35:20
  Charity Stilson: I mean, this woman was a professor, but so what is it in my brain?
• 35:24
  Charity Stilson: You know, that reticular activating system, an R amygdala of safe or not safe, you know, you propose a project or propose this thing, and it might be met with rejection.
• 35:34
  Charity Stilson: Well, yeah, it may.
• 35:36
  Charity Stilson: And it may not.
• 35:37
  Charity Stilson: Right.
• 35:38
  Charity Stilson: But my experience in my brain was, yeah, well, this professor rejected it.
• 35:43
  Charity Stilson: It was so, it was such an aha thing.
• 35:46
  Jennifer Johnson: Isn't that awesome when that happens though?
• 35:48
  Jennifer Johnson: You can kind of pinpoint something.
• 35:50
  Charity Stilson: Yes, it is.
• 35:51
  Charity Stilson: And our bodies, when we and and back to the point, Jennifer, of taking time, that is when we have those things.
• 35:59
  Charity Stilson: When we're stressed and we're in the fight or flight all the time, our intuition and those things do not kick in.
• 36:06
  Jennifer Johnson: Yeah.
• 36:07
  Charity Stilson: Because we're we don't allow it to come in, it's always there.
• 36:11
  Charity Stilson: But we have to slow down to allow those things to come in.
• 36:15
  Charity Stilson: Right.
• 36:15
  Charity Stilson: It makes sense, right?
• 36:17
  Charity Stilson: Yes.
• 36:18
  Jennifer Johnson: You know, as as we wrap up here, I know that there's people listening who are feeling completely overwhelmed.
• 36:25
  Jennifer Johnson: They're exhausted right now.
• 36:27
  Jennifer Johnson: Right now they're listening to this and they're just like, I don't know.
• 36:31
  Jennifer Johnson: What is the first mindset shift, number one, that they could make today?
• 36:39
  Charity Stilson: So I teach, I teach little strategies because again, back to the when you're stressed and you're burned out for the typical, you need to do yoga, you need to take time for yourself, get up and exercise more, sleep more.
• 36:52
  Charity Stilson: When you're burned out and you're tired, you're already sleeping more.
• 36:55
  Charity Stilson: Like those things aren't going to help.
• 36:58
  Charity Stilson: And so there's little neurohacks that I do with the brain to help reset that.
• 37:04
  Charity Stilson: But the very, very first one that I tell people is before your feet even hit the floor, stop and you take three really deep breaths.
• 37:16
  Charity Stilson: And you know, breathing is a bit craze right now, box breathing, this breathing, and and it really is powerful.
• 37:23
  Charity Stilson: But you don't have time for all those either.
• 37:26
  Charity Stilson: You know, I tried box breathing.
• 37:29
  Charity Stilson: Yes, and it works, it's fantastic.
• 37:32
  Charity Stilson: But three simple deep breaths into the belly reset the nervous system.
• 37:37
  Charity Stilson: Because when you're burned out and you're stressed and you're exhausted, you're waking up already in that state.
• 37:43
  Charity Stilson: So if you can wake up before you even hit your feet hit the floor, you take those three deep breaths, that will reset your nervous system.
• 37:52
  Charity Stilson: And then I follow up with you need to do it at least five times a day, minimum.
• 37:58
  Charity Stilson: So before you get out of bed, before you go to bed, breakfast, lunch, dinner, most of us when we're burned out, don't do lunch or breakfast.
• 38:06
  Charity Stilson: We get to five o'clock.
• 38:08
  Charity Stilson: So if you're that person and you're to that level, then set a timer on your phone.
• 38:13
  Charity Stilson: 10 17 a.m.
• 38:14
  Charity Stilson: My timer goes off.
• 38:16
  Charity Stilson: Okay, I need to check myself.
• 38:17
  Charity Stilson: Where's my thoughts?
• 38:18
  Charity Stilson: Where am I at?
• 38:19
  Charity Stilson: Where's my fatigue?
• 38:20
  Charity Stilson: And take three deep breaths.
• 38:22
  Charity Stilson: Because when we're resetting, you know, bagel nerve things are all the range right now, also.
• 38:28
  Charity Stilson: Which is very everywhere.
• 38:31
  Charity Stilson: Yes, I do see that everywhere.
• 38:33
  Charity Stilson: Yes.
• 38:33
  Charity Stilson: You know, your vagus nerve is like the switch between your sympathetic fight or flight and parasympathetic emotional calm physical rest.
• 38:41
  Charity Stilson: So when we take time to take three deep breaths, we're helping the body be able to switch back and forth instead of staying over here on the gas pedal all the time, which is where we're at when we are in burnout and fatigue and exhaustion.
• 38:58
  Charity Stilson: So it's just helping the body to recalibrate and remember like, oh yeah, I can be calm.
• 39:05
  Charity Stilson: I don't have to be over here all the time.
• 39:07
  Jennifer Johnson: All right, listeners, three deep breaths.
• 39:10
  Jennifer Johnson: Remember that.
• 39:11
  Jennifer Johnson: Remember that.
• 39:11
  Jennifer Johnson: So we're gonna go into the final four, which are four questions that I ask every guest, and I'm always excited to hear their answers because I always learn something new.
• 39:21
  Jennifer Johnson: Are you ready?
• 39:22
  Jennifer Johnson: Yes.
• 39:22
  Jennifer Johnson: All right.
• 39:23
  Jennifer Johnson: What's your favorite book that you've read and what made it stick with you?
• 39:28
  Charity Stilson: Oh, hands down.
• 39:30
  Charity Stilson: Um, so the first book is The Choice.
• 39:32
  Charity Stilson: The second book that goes with it is called The Gift, and it's by Edith Eager.
• 39:37
  Charity Stilson: Okay.
• 39:37
  Charity Stilson: She's a survivor of the Holocaust.
• 39:39
  Charity Stilson: The Choice tells her story with little learning lessons.
• 39:43
  Charity Stilson: The gift, she actually came to the United States after and became a psychiatrist.
• 39:49
  Charity Stilson: And so she breaks the chapter down into points that she uses with her clients tied to her story.
• 39:58
  Charity Stilson: And the insight is phenomenal.
• 40:02
  Charity Stilson: I tell my clients, they're like, I'm not a reader, I don't care if you're a reader.
• 40:05
  Charity Stilson: Like this is a must-read for everyone.
• 40:09
  Charity Stilson: I will put that on my list.
• 40:11
  Charity Stilson: It's so good, Jennifer.
• 40:13
  Charity Stilson: In fact, the choice I've only read once because it's her story, but the gift I've read four times, and you should see how much it's marked up.
• 40:20
  Charity Stilson: And I will read it again.
• 40:21
  Charity Stilson: And I'm not a person who reads books over and over again.
• 40:24
  Jennifer Johnson: Awesome.
• 40:25
  Jennifer Johnson: Do you have a favorite quote or piece of advice that changed your life?
• 40:31
  Charity Stilson: Yes.
• 40:32
  Charity Stilson: So during this hard time that I talked about, I mean, it really was the depths of my soul, everything.
• 40:39
  Charity Stilson: And there were certain people, of course, involved with it that were my triggers.
• 40:45
  Charity Stilson: And Jennifer, when people would say to me, Don't let them have control over you, like they're winning.
• 40:52
  Charity Stilson: That just made me so mad because I'm like, you're telling me I'm weak.
• 40:57
  Charity Stilson: Like I am not weak.
• 40:58
  Charity Stilson: I'm getting through this.
• 41:00
  Charity Stilson: And then one day I read a quote that said, Never ever let anyone or anything steal your inner peace.
• 41:07
  Charity Stilson: And that really hit me at a soul level.
• 41:12
  Charity Stilson: Like that's what I was letting them do.
• 41:15
  Charity Stilson: I wasn't letting them control me because I was still doing all the things, but I was letting them take that inner peace that is within all of us.
• 41:24
  Jennifer Johnson: That's great.
• 41:26
  Jennifer Johnson: What is one habit or practice that's really helped you in your life?
• 41:32
  Charity Stilson: I'm gonna have to say not useful.
• 41:35
  Charity Stilson: What I what I teach, because man, I get in the weeds and my thought.
• 41:41
  Charity Stilson: I mean, I'm human.
• 41:42
  Charity Stilson: We all have those tendencies, those filters that we see through life, our life through.
• 41:48
  Charity Stilson: And you really have to say, okay, stop it, not useful.
• 41:53
  Charity Stilson: Quit thinking that same thing and think about something else.
• 41:56
  Charity Stilson: So divert, divert.
• 41:57
  Charity Stilson: Yes, yep.
• 41:59
  Jennifer Johnson: All right, not useful.
• 42:01
  Jennifer Johnson: And if you could have dinner with anyone who is alive or not alive, who would it be and why?
• 42:08
  Jennifer Johnson: Mmm, that one's gonna make me emotional.
• 42:10
  Jennifer Johnson: That'd be my mom.
• 42:12
  Charity Stilson: She's been gone most of my life.
• 42:14
  Charity Stilson: Oh, and she was an amazing person.
• 42:16
  Charity Stilson: So when you're older and you haven't had that your whole life, yeah, like I know she was amazing.
• 42:24
  Charity Stilson: What would her advice be?
• 42:26
  Charity Stilson: What would she tell me?
• 42:28
  Charity Stilson: Like, why was she amazing?
• 42:31
  Jennifer Johnson: You know, and that's who I was.
• 42:35
  Jennifer Johnson: Wow.
• 42:36
  Jennifer Johnson: I'm gonna cry.
• 42:39
  Jennifer Johnson: That um yeah, I lost my dad last year, and um what I wouldn't give to have dinner with him again, right?
• 42:48
  Jennifer Johnson: Yeah, your perspective changes, you know.
• 42:50
  Jennifer Johnson: It does, it really does, it really does.
• 42:52
  Jennifer Johnson: Well, charity, this has been this has been a wonderful conversation with you.
• 42:59
  Jennifer Johnson: Wonderful.
• 43:01
  Charity Stilson: Thank you.
• 43:01
  Charity Stilson: I love talking about all of this.
• 43:04
  Jennifer Johnson: I can tell, I can tell you're very passionate about it, and and that is wonderful.
• 43:09
  Jennifer Johnson: If our listeners would like to get in touch with you, charity, how can they do so?
• 43:14
  Charity Stilson: So I have a website, charitystilson.com, or you can find me on LinkedIn.
• 43:20
  Jennifer Johnson: Fabulous.
• 43:22
  Jennifer Johnson: Thank you so much, Charity, for for blessing us today with your presence.
• 43:26
  Charity Stilson: Thank you so much, Jennifer, for inviting me and having me on the show.
• 43:29
  Charity Stilson: Absolutely.
• 43:30
  Charity Stilson: And thank you to all of my listeners.