Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 167: How to Know If They Are Choosing You

Transcript

167: How to Know If They Are Choosing You · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Hello and welcome back.
• 0:21
  My name is MaryAnn Walker.
• 0:23
  I'm the life coach for the empaths, the helpers, the healers, the recovering people pleasers.
• 0:27
  And if you're watching me on YouTube, you're going to notice that there is a bit of a background change.
• 0:31
  At my house.
• 0:33
  We, we went on a trip to go down to St.
• 0:36
  George, Utah.
• 0:37
  For a wedding, and while we were gone, we turned off the air conditioning.
• 0:41
  I'm just gonna tell you right now, that was a bad idea.
• 0:44
  Apparently the fluctuation in temperatures caused all of our ceiling tiles to fall down, and then even more fell down because yesterday we had a bunch of guys up in our roof putting some more insulation up there.
• 0:56
  So I have a lot of tiles that have fallen down.
• 0:59
  They'll hopefully be put back up by next time, but I just wanted to let you know what was going on and that Yeah.
• 1:05
  I am aware that my ceiling tiles are falling down.
• 1:08
  One might even fall down during this episode.
• 1:10
  Time will tell.
• 1:11
  So today we're going to be talking about choosing people that are also choosing you, and that might sound really simple on the surface because of course we want to be around people that want to be around us, right?
• 1:24
  But chances are if you're a helper, a healer, or a recovering people pleaser, then at some point you've probably invested deeply into someone, not necessarily because they were investing into you, but because you were hoping that eventually they would start to invest in you.
• 1:39
  And you may already be nodding along, but I'm gonna kind of walk through a couple of examples to really bring this to life.
• 1:45
  So first, let me introduce Pam.
• 1:47
  Pam has a friend named Patricia, and whenever Patricia calls, then Pam drops everything to be available.
• 1:54
  She cancels her plans.
• 1:55
  She rearranges her schedule.
• 1:56
  She even turns down invitations from other friends just in case Patricia needs something or maybe she wants to hang out.
• 2:03
  Deep down then Pam is hoping that if she shows up enough times, if she proves her loyalty, if she sacrifices enough for the relationship, then Patricia will start to see her value and start to invest more into the relationship in return.
• 2:18
  But here's the thing, I.
• 2:19
  Patricia's not a bad person.
• 2:21
  She's not disloyal, but she's also not necessarily that invested into the relationship.
• 2:28
  So when Pam talks about Patricia, you might think that they're besties, but when you talk to Patricia about Pam, then Oh yeah.
• 2:33
  Oh, she's a nice person.
• 2:35
  Yep.
• 2:35
  I really enjoy her company every now and then, she's fine with Pam, but she's not experiencing a lot of depth and connection there.
• 2:41
  So Pam is starting to discover over time that she's pouring into a relationship that's lopsided.
• 2:47
  And what she might not actually realize yet is that in doing so, she's unintentionally neglecting connections that could actually nourish her and bring her the connection that she's seeking.
• 2:59
  Now, I'll tell you about Emma.
• 3:00
  So Emma has been dating for a while now, and there's a few guys that have shown real interest in her, but for some reason she just can't stop thinking about Jared.
• 3:11
  They went on a couple of dates a while back, and then Jared kindly let her know that he just wasn't feeling a connection.
• 3:16
  He was kind, he was respectful, he was clear, but he let her know that, yeah, I'm going to be investing elsewhere, but I wish you well on your search for connection.
• 3:25
  But for Emma, she just couldn't let it go.
• 3:28
  She kept thinking about the great time that she and Jared had on their dates, and while she was doing this, she was keeping other suitors at arm's length just in case Jared came back around.
• 3:38
  In other words, she was intentionally keeping herself single in the hopes that Jared might return one day.
• 3:44
  She convinced herself that if she waited long enough, then he would eventually come around and realize that those two dates really were pretty great after all, and maybe she was the one that he was looking for.
• 3:56
  Now, let's just pause for a moment and look at what Pam and Emma have in common.
• 4:01
  Pam was investing her time and energy into Patricia and Emma was investing her thoughts and emotional bandwidth into Jared, but both were investing into people who weren't necessarily showing up for them.
• 4:14
  And worse yet, both Jared and Patricia had already pretty much made it known that they didn't have any intention of changing the status quo.
• 4:22
  And they didn't make it known in a cruel way, but just in a way that made it clear that, hey, no hard feelings, but I'm just not as in as you are.
• 4:29
  And here's the cost of that kind of investment.
• 4:32
  It keeps you stuck.
• 4:33
  Not only does it drain your energy, but it also keeps you blind to people who are available, people who do want to choose you, but you're too busy investing into other people to actually see it.
• 4:46
  Pam kept turning down invitations to that neighborhood Book club, not realizing that there is somebody there who shares her love of podcasts, tea, and Long Walks.
• 4:55
  Somebody who's also hoping to find real, genuine friendship that wants to be there for the day-to-day stuff.
• 5:02
  Emma, meanwhile, is politely ghosting the guy who brought her flowers on their first date, who asked her about her hopes and dreams, and who actually called her back when he said that he would, because she's still mentally saving space for somebody else who has completely moved on from her.
• 5:18
  So if this sounds a little bit too familiar, I want you to ask yourself: who's actually investing into you right now?
• 5:26
  Chances are that when you really think about it, then you know deep down who it is that's going to pick up when you call without texting first, you know who also loves to attend that event that you're looking forward to.
• 5:38
  In fact, instead of having to convince them that this would be a fun thing to do together, then they're already out the door ready to go and have fun with you because they know it's going to be amazing.
• 5:47
  Chances are that you know who might also enjoy going out and meeting up for dinner.
• 5:51
  So how does it feel to consider asking them to spend time with you?
• 5:57
  Are you more interested in chasing unavailable people than in receiving love from the ones who are already showing up?
• 6:04
  are you spending your time and energy trying to convince somebody else to choose you when you could be building a relationship with somebody who is already choosing you?
• 6:13
  Sometimes our mind wants to hyperfocus on the things that we can't have.
• 6:17
  It is coming through that lens of lack.
• 6:19
  It creates this internal belief that well love must be earned, and if I can earn it, then I'll be worthy of love.
• 6:27
  And often this goes back to our childhood, to patterns that we picked up early on, to relationships where we did have to work for love, attention, or affection.
• 6:36
  So the idea of someone choosing us freely, it can feel really unfamiliar.
• 6:40
  And things that are unfamiliar to us can often feel unsafe in the body, even if it is something that we desperately crave.
• 6:48
  For example, the woman who is touched inappropriately as a child.
• 6:51
  She desperately wants to enjoy being touched by her husband, but since safe touch is something that is unfamiliar to her, then she might find herself withdrawing from him in an attempt to keep herself safe.
• 7:04
  Or maybe the man who was never good enough in his parents' eyes, then even though he is excelling at work and in life, then he may be really struggling to receive positive feedback from his close friends or his partner.
• 7:15
  He would rather continue to try to prove himself because that's what feels familiar.
• 7:20
  So he'd rather try to prove himself to the super grumpy guy at work than accept praise from those who know him and love him, and see all of the good that he's doing.
• 7:31
  Perhaps there's even a hidden belief that, well, if I can just get that one person to love me, especially the one over there that's really hard to win over, then maybe I will start to believe that I'm lovable.
• 7:44
  Then maybe I will start to believe that I'm worthy, because if I can convince the most unavailable person to want me, then surely that will mean that I'm enough, right?
• 7:55
  But here's the truth.
• 7:57
  You're already enough.
• 7:59
  You are lovable.
• 8:00
  Not because someone chooses you, but because of who you are.
• 8:05
  And maybe right now you might feel like you're living on emotional breadcrumbs.
• 8:09
  You're just hoping for a tiny bit of love or validation, a small reward for the insane amount of investment that you're making into that relationship.
• 8:18
  You are working so hard for just a little bit of validation, but breadcrumbs are not a sustainable diet.
• 8:25
  You are not meant to survive on scraps of connection.
• 8:30
  You deserve real nourishment.
• 8:33
  So take just a moment right now to really think about your relationship diet.
• 8:38
  Is it mostly crumbs?
• 8:40
  Are you filling up on empty interactions, hoping that one day they'll satisfy you?
• 8:44
  Is it too sweet full of quick highs and big promises, but leaving you feeling drained and craving something more real?
• 8:50
  Or, is it balanced, fulfilling, and nourishing to your soul?
• 8:57
  Be honest with yourself.
• 8:59
  Don't look at what the relationship could be, but look at it for what it is right now.
• 9:05
  So since we are in the middle of a home renovation, as you can see, let me share another perspective with you.
• 9:10
  Lately, I've been thinking a lot about potential.
• 9:13
  When we bought this home, then we could see it needed a lot of work, but I could see its potential.
• 9:20
  And since we are the ones that are funding and actively participating in the renovation, I knew that one day this home could reach its potential.
• 9:30
  But sometimes when we're in a relationship with others, then we might think that we have a little bit more control over them than we actually do.
• 9:38
  We think that it's like a home where if we just put in enough sweat equity, eventually we'll get a return on our investment.
• 9:44
  But people are not projects.
• 9:47
  And while everyone is changing and evolving over time, it might not be happening in the way that we would like or in the timing that we would like.
• 9:57
  So yes, look for the best in others and also work to accept it when someone lets you know that they like things the way they are and they have no intention of changing things.
• 10:07
  Maybe somebody likes those acoustic tiles that are on the ceiling.
• 10:11
  Maybe somebody loves that seventies look and you want something that's a little bit more updated.
• 10:16
  Respect that and believe them when they tell you that they don't want things to change.
• 10:22
  What you can do is choose.
• 10:25
  You can choose to invest into those who are also choosing you.
• 10:30
  You can choose to invest into those that reciprocate.
• 10:33
  You can choose to notice who lights up when you walk into the room.
• 10:37
  You can choose to notice who makes space for your needs, who follows through, who follows up, who shows up when you need support, and be willing to invest into those people.
• 10:51
  Because real love, it doesn't require you to beg.
• 10:53
  Real friendship doesn't make you question your place.
• 10:58
  Real connection feels safe, balanced, and mutual.
• 11:03
  So today I invite you to do a little bit of a relationship audit.
• 11:06
  Look at the people in your life.
• 11:08
  Where is your energy going?
• 11:10
  Who are you hoping will change, and who has been quietly showing up for you all along?
• 11:16
  Make space for those who are already knocking.
• 11:19
  Make room in your heart and on your calendar for those who are also choosing you, not just when it's convenient, but consistently.
• 11:28
  Because that's where love lives; in the mutual choosing, in the shared investment, in the simple sacred act of being seen and seeing each other in return.
• 11:42
  You are worthy of that kind of connection.
• 11:45
  So if as you've been listening, if you recognize that you're struggling to find this kind of balanced, reciprocal relationship, if you're feeling like all of your relationships are currently out of balance and you're not quite sure how to create more balance for yourself, come and work with me.
• 12:00
  I have a few one-on-one spots opening up for July, so reach out and let's start building a life filled with more balanced and fulfilling relationships.
• 12:07
  I can help you to see where it is that you may be chasing potential and help you to see if, okay, yes, there is actually something there.
• 12:15
  Also, I have had several people reach out lately asking for some practical tips for empaths and highly sensitive people.
• 12:22
  The people that are struggling to know what's theirs and what belongs to other people, they're often overwhelmed by other people's emotions.
• 12:28
  They're trying to figure out how to honor their emotional experience and the emotional experience of others.
• 12:35
  So if you have those same struggles, I encourage you to click the link in the show notes and come and join my Empowered Empath wait list.
• 12:42
  I am looking for just 15 to 20 people to be a part of this interactive workshop where I can teach you some energetic practices to support you in your day-to-day life.
• 12:50
  And that will also help you to increase your confidence and self-empowerment.
• 12:54
  Now remember, space is limited for this, so be sure to join my wait list so that you can be the.
• 12:59
  First to know when doors are open so that you can reserve your seat.
• 13:03
  I so look forward to working with you either in my one-on-one sessions or in the group setting.
• 13:08
  So let's talk soon.
• 13:09
  All right, I'll see you next week.
• 13:10
  Bye now.