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240. The Solopreneur’s Burnout Trap: Are You a Serial Fixer? · The Life-First Solopreneur

• 0:00
  Carly Ries: Are you a chronic fixer, always jumping in to solve everyone's problems even when it leaves you drained? Well, in this episode, therapist and author, Leah Marone, returns to unpack what it really means to be a serial fixer and how solopreneurs can break the cycle of burnout by shifting from rescuing to empowering. In this episode, I get real about compassion fatigue, guilt around boundaries, and the inner critic that never shuts up. You'll learn how to set internal and external boundaries, soothe your overworked mind, and still show up with empathy without losing yourself in the process. So if you've ever caught yourself thinking, I'll just handle it, this one's for you.
• 0:36
  You're listening to The Aspiring Solopreneur, the podcast for anyone on the solo business journey, whether you're just toying with the idea, taking your first bold step, or have been running your own show for years and want to keep growing, refining, and thriving. I'm Carly Ries, and along with my cohost Joe Rando, we're your guides through the crazy but awesome world of being a company of one. As part of LifeStarr, a digital hub dedicated to all things entrepreneurship, we help people design businesses that align with their life's ambitions so they can work to live, not live to work. If you're looking for a get rich quick scheme, this is not the place for you. But if you want real world insights from industry experts, lessons from the successes and stumbles of fellow solopreneurs, and practical strategies for building and sustaining a business you love, you're in the right spot.
• 1:24
  Because one solo business doesn't mean you're alone. No matter where you are in your journey, we've got your back. Leah, very rarely do we have repeat guests on this show. And so you're now in an elite club of other guests who have already been here before, and we are so excited to have you back on the show. Thank you so much for coming today.
• 1:45
  Leah Marone: Oh, I'm thrilled. It's just so good to see you, and I'm excited to have our conversation today.
• 1:50
  Carly Ries: Well and for listeners who can't see us, Joe is not here today, so we could kinda go rogue, Leah. We could basically do whatever we want while the cat's away. But since your last time on this show, we now have icebreaker questions. And so I want to know what do you wish you had known before becoming a solopreneur?
• 2:09
  Leah Marone: Oh my gosh. How much time do we have? No. I'm kidding.
• 2:15
  I think the main thing is kind of the isolation and loneliness factor. And I know that sounds kind of negative, but really, I think, I grew up on teams, just growing up on teams, having teammates, and then just even kind of my first, you know, jobs out of the gate, you had a team. You had people to bounce things off of. You had people that knew the acronyms and the slang or whatever, and you could just kind of speak your own language with them. so I think when you kind of venture out on your own, it's incredibly exciting, but you do.
• 2:49
  It's kind of, you're this island sometimes, and even just sometimes explaining all the layers to someone is almost sometimes more energy than it's worth. I think it's so important to just find your tribe and find those people that you can kind of cut to the chase and be vulnerable with and that kind of really can be that support network. I think that's something that you have to create when you're on your own, where sometimes it's kind of built in before.
• 3:16
  Carly Ries: Yeah, we always say flying solo in business doesn't mean you're alone because it can feel so isolating. So whether it's a tribe of supporters or contractors or whatever, find those people. Because you can take on so much as a solopreneur, which is the perfect segue into our question. So you have a new book, and I can't wait to dive into that. I mean, we're going to be talking about that most in this interview.
• 3:40
  But how do you define being a serial fixer, and what patterns or behaviors do you see most frequently among people who kind of relate to this label?
• 3:49
  Leah Marone: Yes. And there are many kinds of serial fixers, but serial fixer fixing itself is really jumping in. It comes from a good place, but it's jumping in with kind of this quick, you know, hard left where you are putting yourself in the role to fix and solve. And you're setting yourself up to take almost false ownership or stock in relationships and conversations. And the downside of this is that, it can fuel kind of these micro codependencies, is what I like to call them, whether it's in families and relationships, in our professional life.
• 4:25
  And you can see where if we're constantly showing up in fixer mode, in solver mode, this is a perfect recipe for exhaustion, perpetual exhaustion, and burnout, and compassion fatigue. And it really does, come from a good place generally where we want to soothe, we want to accommodate. We also have this egocentric component where it helps us feel purpose. It helps us feel productive. It helps us fuel this sense of connection with people.
• 4:53
  And these aren't all negative things, but it's almost like we look and seek and latch onto these opportunities to just kind of weasel our way in and kind of take this ownership when it's really might not be ours to fix and solve.
• 5:08
  Carly Ries: Yeah, absolutely. But what's hard, as you were saying, it feels good to help all those people. It feels good to take on all of those roles. So as someone who's committed to empathizing with other people and always be like, I'm here for you, I feel you. How do you guard against kind of compassion fatigue?
• 5:26
  Are there any, habits, boundaries, daily rituals? Tell me everything because I've definitely fallen guilty to all of this.
• 5:33
  Leah Marone: you nailed it. I mean, I see that, people with generally higher levels of compassion and empathy and kind of a high EQ tend to fall into serial fixing. And you can. You can be five steps ahead of something. You can walk into a room or a dynamic or situation and kind of assess needs and start to already problem solve and be there and kind of execute. I think one of the biggest tools or tactics or reframes or things that you can even start today is just starting to collect data on yourself, really in how you show up in conversations and in roles. And so the first step, really, if you think about becoming more of a supporter rather than a solver, like support don't solve, it's really that validation piece. And I think we forget this, whether it's professionally and personally, is that when someone is sharing something, and you know, there's some emotion interwoven with it, maybe they're expressing their hurdle or problem, or just some distress, or just a sigh can be triggering, like a, oh, it's like, what's wrong? What's wrong? How can I help? so sometimes just meeting that person where they're at, validating, which doesn't necessarily mean agreeing, but means that you are basically putting effort towards trying to decode and understand the message that this person is saying verbally and nonverbally. And that's where you start. It's not about, well, when I was in this position, or maybe you should do this, or you know what? Let me just send that email for you. You look incredibly stressed.
• 7:02
  It's validating like, no, that does sound like a busy week, or no, I could see where you feel like everything is closing in on you. It's validating and then letting them kind of work how the conversation is going to go. We see this all the time in parenting too, where our kid might be like, UGH, and we'll call them. I'll fix it. Let's this.
• 7:23
  Here, eat something. Do that. And we start to go into this fixer mode because it fuels this part of us that confirms we're being a good parent or we're being a good leader or we're being helpful. And as solo entrepreneurs, we are constantly shifting roles. And if we're constantly putting ourselves into the fixer and the solver, oh, it's exhausting even thinking about it.
• 7:45
  Carly Ries: It's so exhausting. It's funny. We have a monthly event called Solopreneur Problem Solvers, where solopreneurs come and bring one problem that they're trying to solve in their business. And then they go into breakout rooms and they try to solve it together. And our emcee always kicks it off with a don't should all over everybody because it's so easy to say, well, you should do this.
• 8:04
  Well, you should do that. I did this. You should try this. And it's like, don't should, listen. Basically, everything that you're saying, it's weird that that's human nature to should all over people.
• 8:16
  Leah Marone: And I mean, this is how our brains typically work, when someone says something, we immediately pull from our catalog and how we've compartmentalize things, and we immediately relate. You know, we pull that out like, oh, I vacationed there, or I know someone who has that, or I did this. And that's how the brain works to make sense of things, but I think we are prematurely acting on it, relating. And if you really think about it, we are not giving people the opportunity to kind of get their own repetitions in, to get some of those processing skills in themselves with some of the support and the question, the questions we can ask. We do.
• 8:54
  We tend to jump in, solve, fix, give quick advice, relate, and off we go. But we can see how this sets us up for overextending for these, again, micro codependencies. And we catalog as humans like, oh, you know, Bill over there, Tyler over there, Jan over there, she can do this for me, he can do this for me, he can do that. Okay, my energy is dispersed here. We do that as people, and it's not that we're always taking advantage, but that's kind of how we operate so that we can, manage our energy flow.
• 9:24
  And so I think that's a huge, huge component of it in serial fixing is really understanding how you show up to things and what you're truly motivated by.
• 9:36
  Carly Ries: Well, one big thing that you mentioned in the book is your inner critic. And we were just talking about that offline before we even pressed record. Can you unpack what that means and how tuning into that inner voice, that critic can support healing rather than undermining it?
• 9:51
  Leah Marone: Yes, that's a great question. And you know, I talk a lot about external boundaries, but in order to do that, we do. We have to set internal ones first and really do the work and align and understand kind of those internal drivers. And I think the main ones, kind of those protective properties that are very loud and constantly kind of talking to us or critiquing us are the inner critic, the inner pleaser, the inner rescuer. And the inner critic is we all have one.
• 10:22
  Some are fiercer than others, but it's kind of part of you that does not want you to stagnate, that wants you to be the best version of yourself that you can be. And this sounds great, and it is. And this part of us is generally working incredibly hard. Right? So we think about that in terms of recovery, rest, setting boundaries.
• 10:42
  It all sounds well and good. But when we maybe have that block of time or we're thinking, oh, I'm gonna clock out at this time, or I don't need to answer this email right away, people can wait. Guess who shows up? Your critic. Like, well, if you don't answer right away or if you're not available, if you don't work right now and get ahead, we're going to pay for that.
• 11:00
  We're probably going to lose that relationship. People are going to think we're lazy. We're probably you know, not working to our potential, and this whole thing's going to blow up in our face. And so you can see how that self sabotage internally with these different parts of us that are motivated by very different things have conflicts. And our first intuition oftentimes, I know I've had to really work on this, is to really judge and try to shove these parts of ourselves down. I hate this for myself. Why am I like this? Is anyone else like this? what's wrong with me? And we try to distract and use Band Aids and kind of cover it up.
• 11:34
  And that part of us comes back with vengeance and, you know, may visit us at 2AM. It may sabotage our split, you know, all those things. And so I really talk about rather than shutting it out, think about a way that you can align with it, understand it, show appreciation for this part of you that keeps you motivated, that keeps you going. And it's just working too hard. It's not allowing space for other parts of you that you really desire. so really, I'm inviting everyone listening to have conversations with yourself. And I know that sounds like really?, but it's about that self soothing. It's about really understanding what is this part of me motivated by? What is it so fiercely trained to protect me from? Which is typically a universal feeling or feelings that humans do not like, similar to embarrassment or isolation or shame or failure.
• 12:23
  And you really understand that, and then you can look at ways to try to work with it and soothe it and take micro risks and meet yourself halfway. And that's really how you start to set these internal boundaries, start to soothe those parts of yourself, and then you can, gosh, operate in more of a flow state without these perpetual exhausting cycles.
• 12:46
  Carly Ries: Okay. So you've mentioned boundaries a few times. So I want to dive into that a little bit more because I think it can be really hard for people to set healthy boundaries. do you have any strategies or mindsets that make boundaries sustainable? And I know that when I set too many boundaries, I kind of feel guilty about it. is there a way to not feel that way?
• 13:08
  Leah Marone: There you go. And so that guilt, that guilt that you feel, you know, when you maybe have this grand plan and you block your time and you think these are the boundaries I'm going to start setting. This is when I'm going to start delegating. This is what I'm going to start doing. And then that guilt that you feel of like, Oh, is this okay?
• 13:27
  Is this really how I operate? Are people going to think this or place me now in a different category because of this? You know, there's this fear of judgment and all these things. And that guilt of like, Do I really need this? I should be spending my time doing this because the family would benefit, or my customers would benefit, or these people would benefit.
• 13:46
  That guilt is your inner pleaser. That part of you that's like, I want to protect myself against any negative judgment, any disconnect, anyone not liking me anymore. so it's really, again, understanding where that guilt comes from, where those parts of you are really motivated by, what they're trying to protect, and that's where you start.
• 14:13
  I'll give the scenario of, let's just take someone that over the weekend, they're like, enough is enough. You know, I really need to kick myself into gear when it comes to my workouts.
• 14:22
  I haven't done them for a while. I need to stop eating this. I need to do this. And they come in with some rigidity and full force of this whole grand plan of how they're going to get up at least four times a week at 6AM. They're going get their workout in.
• 14:35
  They're going to do x, y, and z, make that smoothie, all the things. And they're really excited about it, and they have this plan. And this is great. And come 6AM on Monday morning, their alarm goes off. And another part of them rises and says, You know, but we're really comfortable.
• 14:53
  We didn't sleep great. and we know how we are. If we kind of don't sleep great, we might not be firing on all cylinders. We might not be great in that meeting. I mean, really, does it make a difference if we work out in the morning versus the afternoon?
• 15:06
  Maybe we should just wait on this, reevaluate. And you can see where that part was trying to protect and be motivated by something totally different than that part of you that had the reins over the weekend. And that's frustrating. And then when we don't get up and work out, our critic steps in later in the day and is like, why the hell didn't you work out? I mean, we're doing this again.
• 15:24
  I mean, why don't you take care of yourself? This is crazy. And you're gonna, gain 500 pounds in the next two days, and here we go. Right? And so it's dramatic.
• 15:33
  It's over catastrophized, but these are how these parts operate. And so really when you start to kind of really untangle these things, your plan then is to meet yourself in the middle. And that's when you're like, maybe this side of me was a little overzealous, a little bit intense, but I love what they're worth. I love what this part of me really is after. And this part of me over here was protecting my peace, protecting my sleep, protecting this, which I'm grateful for too.
• 15:58
  I appreciate it. Let's find a way to meet in the middle here. And maybe, let's start so we can build and soothe both of these parts so they're not, at me. And that's how you start to build this inner harmony by understanding what the drivers are. It's not by dismissing, it's not by, all this, cycles of self shame. It's really uncovering what the drivers are with these loud parts of you that can be incredibly distracting.
• 16:24
  Carly Ries: I'm so glad this is being recorded because if I weren't the one interviewing you, I would be writing every single word you're saying down. It's so helpful. Okay. You use the phrase stop rescuing, start empowering. And I feel like everything you've been saying has kind of funneled down into stop rescuing, start empowering.
• 16:46
  Can you give an example here of what you mean by that?
• 16:48
  Leah Marone: Yeah. Sure. So think about like even the oldest time in the HR field, and I know we're old, but I think about this with like the open door policy, or even, as we're, working on our own businesses. Think about how we're just like, always available.
• 17:05
  I'm working on a project, and someone calls in, and I'm going to just totally interrupt myself and answer and feed into these urgent things. And so think about too, like when we stop rescuing,
• 17:17
  when we stop absorbing ownership of things, when we stop going immediately into like, oh my gosh, I got to put out this fire,
• 17:24
  And we start by giving people sometimes a little bit of space. We don't have to respond right away. And I know people listening to this are going to be like, Oh my gosh, yes, you do. But thinking about collecting your thoughts, thinking about how many times I've been meeting with a client, meeting with a patient, someone, and they, will text me with some sense of urgency. And I will say, This sounds really important.
• 17:49
  I'm working on this or I have another meeting. Let me circle back with you in a few minutes or find a time later this afternoon. That right there is validating, but it also gives that person an opportunity to have some of their logic kind of work with their high emotion. And so you're still there, you're still validating, you're still supporting, but you're not coming in and just again soaking up urgency, fire, this, that, and like, this is how a lot of us define that we are productive. This is how a lot of us define, it was a busy day.
• 18:23
  I must have done what I'm supposed to do, but I'm exhausted, and I have no space left for anybody else. And it's empowering other people as well to get their repetitions in, to keep ownership. You know, Carly, if you envision a ball of yarn. Like, you know, ball of yarn is not that heavy. But think about if you were trying to untangle everyone's ball of yarn, and everyone was throwing you their ball of yarn, and you're left to that.
• 18:48
  I'd love it if we kind of visualize everyone keeping their ball of yarn, and maybe as a leader, as a solo entrepreneur, we're just pulling at threads. We're helping, we're supporting, we're not solving, we're not fixing, but we're there, still leading with empathy and compassion and support.
• 19:06
  Carly Ries: Oh, I just love all this so much, and I think it's so important for solopreneurs. But it's funny. If somebody's listening to this and they're like, wait a second. This all resonates with me. Am I a serial fixer?
• 19:20
  I didn't know that. Oh my gosh. This is me. But let's say they feel stuck or ashamed. What would you say would the smallest first step that they can take to move away from that thought and get them unstuck?
• 19:35
  Leah Marone: Yeah. I think first and foremost, again, I will just reiterate that serial fixing tends to come from a very good place generally. And I do highlight different types of it, and sometimes serial fixing can come off as very controlling. But again, it's generally that person trying to protect themselves from someone else or judgments or not being helpful enough or, just not doing their role good enough. And so I think first and foremost, it's really understanding if you are feeling like, Oh my gosh, this is totally me.
• 20:07
  You're not alone, number one. I see this all the time. I'm a recovering one. Well, maybe not even recovering . Yes, I might be active in a lot of ways, but it's just understanding like this is such a thing in so many facets of our lives.
• 20:23
  And I think we can do better. We can change this. so again, as I mentioned in the beginning, it's really understanding and collecting that data and just being self aware of how you show up to conversations with friends, with family, professionally, with clients, with people you're working with. Like, how do you show up to that? And are you catching everyone's ball of yarn?
• 20:47
  Or are you just helping people and really staying and identifying what your true role is? And you can see where that's where it's gonna diminish and just kind of decrease when we walk away for certain interactions, just feeling overwhelmed. I think we can limit that. So I think that's one of the first things and really just I think that's it. that self awareness piece is gonna be a great way to just start.
• 21:15
  Carly Ries: Leah, you can be on this show every week. I feel like this is something that people need to listen to on repeat. I have no doubt that you'll help them find success in this area. So we have to ask you, and we asked you this last time, but you might have a new one. What is your favorite quote about success?
• 21:30
  Leah Marone: Oh my gosh, it's probably gonna be the same one, but I don't know. But my go to one is always you miss a percent of the shots you don't take. And I think that's my critic probably coming from my critic, right? Like you better do it, Leah. You better take the shot.
• 21:46
  Carly Ries: Coming from a true athlete.
• 21:48
  Leah Marone: That's right. From a basketball player's mouth. But I think that has just, obviously resonated with me on the court, but it resonates with me in life, where it's just like I've had to tame the critical part of me of just like, what if you fail? What if you screw up? What if you're embarrassed?
• 22:04
  What if this? And it's like, but if I misstep or if I do this, l I would much rather do that with the chance that I'm going to nail it. And it's also going to open up so many other opportunities for growth and connection. And I think, it's really helped me. It sounds like a very black and white all or nothing quote, but it's really helped me see the gray.
• 22:27
  Carly Ries: Oh, I love that. So great. Leah, tell us when your book comes out, tell us how to buy it, and tell us where people can find you if they wanna learn more.
• 22:36
  Leah Marone: Oh, well, thank you. Well, it comes out November 11. you can get it presale or preorder rather, and you can go to serial-fixer.com or leahmarone.com, and you can find a variety of ways to preorder the book. whether it's Target or Barnes and Noble or Amazon or all the things, whatever your preference. And, yeah, connect with me. I have some giveaways if you preorder.
• 23:06
  I'm more than happy to support. And I love getting messages. I love getting feedback, questions. So please connect with me. As you see, I love building my tribe. So if you'd like to be part of it, please do.
• 23:18
  Carly Ries: Way to do a full circle moment from beginning to end of the show. And with that, I think we should end there. This has been so great. Thank you so much again for coming on today.
• 23:27
  Leah Marone: Oh, my pleasure. Thank you.
• 23:29
  Carly Ries: And listeners, thank you so much for tuning in. As always, please leave that five star review, share this episode with a friend, and subscribe on your favorite podcast platform, including YouTube. And we will see you next time on the Aspiring Solopreneur. You may be going solo in business, but that doesn't mean you're alone. In fact, millions of people are in your shoes, running a one person business and figuring it out as they go.
• 23:53
  So why not connect with them and learn from each other's successes and failures? At LifeStarr, we're creating a one person business community where you can go to meet and get advice from other solopreneurs. Be sure to join in on the conversations at community.lifestarr.com.