Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S3 Ep3: The Color of Compatibility/ A Comedian's Take on Dating Apps 🤣

Transcript

S3 Ep3: The Color of Compatibility/ A Comedian's Take on Dating Apps 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hey white people in the few minorities, what's up?
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: How are you guys doing?
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: I'm single, anybody else?
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not trying to fuck you, you get to admit it.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um just taking a poll, alright.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's really weird when I ask that.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: I'm 30 and I'm single.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_01: I'm on all the date naps.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: I'm on uh Bumble, Tinder, and Hinge.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: Anybody else?
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: Three billion downloads.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: I'm the only one with it.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, okay.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: What?
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: Just cause you delete it when you get sober don't mean in happen, okay?
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I'm on bumboo tender and hinge, and I like to tell white people this.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: White people, if you could do me a favor, please tell your black and brown friends about bumboo tender and hinge.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: Because I swear to God, I am the only nigga on these abs.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: I am swiping through white women like I'm walking through a thick-ass blizzard, okay?
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, hello, is anyone brown out there?
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: She could swallow someone brown, yellow.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: I'm holding up a lantern so they can find me.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: They can't find me.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: I love being on these apps, uh, but it's it gets weird.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: I'm on hinge.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: Hinge is for people that's over 35, trying not to die alone.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: That got too real for y'all?
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, alright.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: I like Hinge because Hinge asks you goofy ass questions to try to get you matched with somebody.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: They ask you questions like, if you didn't live in this city, what city would you live in?
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, whatever city I can fuck you in.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you wanna you wanna go to St.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: Louis?
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: We can fuck in St.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: Louis.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: Bumble is a cool ass app.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: Bumble's the app.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: I like Bumble because it used to be, Bumble used to be the app where women used to have the start of the conversation with the man.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: And I love this app.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's really cool.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: But the one the one thing I learned about it is um it taught me women have no game.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: Women do not know how to pursue dick via the internet.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: They all have the same two questions that they started off with.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what happened to y'all, but like this is what y'all start with.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all either start with a yellow hand, like, the pussy's over here, come and get it.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: Your turn.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: Or you get some weird stoic question in your inbox.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: You get uh, you like sports?
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, what are you, my stepdad?
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: Get the fuck out of here.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: Shit freaking me out.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: Alright.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna call the cops.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's awkward as hell.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: Now that I'm back out here dating, it's just like you gotta date a lot.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: Anybody else dating?
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: Am I the only single man in America?
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: What the hell is happening?
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't think I get a lot of success on these dating apps because like I don't got a good profile picture.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: Like, white dudes, white dudes have figured out the pussy getting game.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: Like, they got dope ass profile pictures.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: Every white dude has the same ass profile picture.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: Every white dude has a picture of himself holding up a fish.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: Every white man has a fish picture.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: Every white man's like, ha ha ha ha! My name is Hank, and this is a Haldit.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: I do finance, but on the weekends I'm a hunter-gatherer.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: You wanna go get drinks?
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: Are you ladies fucking these fish dudes?
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: None of you ladies are fucking these fish dudes.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, if you ladies are fucking these fish dudes, that means there's one horny pescatarian running through these niggas, alright?
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: Just one pescatarian that we're like, ha ha ha ha ha.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: Girls, I can't go out tonight.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna do that call to salmon.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: Oh bitch, you gotta go.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: You know all locks and bagels.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta go.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta go.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: But I don't think I even got time to fucking date, man.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm a black man that uh I uh I protest.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: Anybody else protest?
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, cool.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: Alright.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: Not not all of y'all, but some of y'all.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: Alright.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta get those numbers up.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: There's only like two of y'all.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: Alright.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: I go to black protests, obviously.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: I like going to black protests, but it's like, you know, I could be honest with it.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: Uh one thing I do have against black protests, I don't like alright.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: This is weird for me to say.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like, alright.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: I don't like the songs that black people sing at black protests.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: Because they sing, they sing the songs that my grandparents used to sing.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: They sing like what, like they're like, ah, say it loud, I'm black and I'm proud.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: Fight the power, no just no peace.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, ugh, old school.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: Me personally, like, I'm young.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I think that black people, we need to start singing white songs at black protests to force white people to get on board with our cause, whether they like it or not.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like, next time I go protest, I'm singing Sweet Caroline.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: Because the one thing I know about white people, they can't fucking resist Sweet Caroline.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: That song is like white catnip.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: You guys go fucking but dance for that goddamn song.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: Like, next time I go protest, I'm like, alright, guys, guys, just I know it's ridiculous.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: Guys, just trust me.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: Just do what I do.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: Guys, just believe me.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: Here we go.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: Touching me.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: Touching you.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: Sweet Caroline.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: Black Lives Matter! See what I did there?
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: See what I did?
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: It's gonna be some old racist white dude in the back, like, ah, no good, no good.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: He remixed it.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: He diddy the diamond.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta change that word.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: I can't say diddy to that joke.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: That don't ring the same anymore.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: It used to ring me remix, now it means baby oil.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: Um much baby oil.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: I tell black people all the time, we gotta think differently.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: We gotta think differently.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: It's 2024.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: We gotta think outside of the box.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: Like I like I said at home, I try to come up with innovative ways to get like black people uh to get cops off their backs.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I think, like I tell all my black and Spanish friends and people of color friends, I tell them all the time, like, yo, you know what we need to do?
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: Black people.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: We as a people need to start eating ice cream in public more often.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: Black people, especially black folk black men, don't eat ice cream in public.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: You've never been driving through the hood seen five brothers in the corner like.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: But you got dogging rocky roll, my nigga is the list.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: Sit in a sugar corner, I can't wait to eat this bitch.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: Never seen that shit.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: Well, on the other hand, white men have no problem in ice cream in public.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: White men will be ice cream in public, face the fucking face.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: No women involved.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: I seen this shit.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: I'm driven by cold stone, I seen them in there.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'm driven by seeing white dudes in there like, ha ha ha! I got the love it's like, Stanley! Small mixes, I'm going crazy.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: I want that white ice cream life.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: White people have fucking fun with ice cream.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: I study white people.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like the white Jane Goodall.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: I do.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: I study white people.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: I go to the suburbs with the piv hat and uh cargo shorts and I take notes on white people.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: You ever seen what happens when white people get ice cream?
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: They start singing to each other.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: They sing to each other like who's in whoville.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: It's fucking phenomenal.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: They look at each other like ice cream! You scream! We all scream for ice cream.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, yo, I want to sing with the motherfucker.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: I think if I sing that song, my fiking score would go up.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: I believe that.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: That song is recognized by the credit card companies, I know it is.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: I think a lot of black men don't hear scream in public because they're scared looking gay, which is ridiculous.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: Anybody else?
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: No?
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody?
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'm the only one.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I got a gay cousin.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: Anybody else got a gay cousin?
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: That's not enough people.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: You want two people?
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what the fuck?
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: Look, if you don't got a gay cousin, you are the gay cousin.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: That shit is what some of y'all like, I'm the one that fucked up Christmas.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: Love my gay cousin.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: He's my best goddamn friend.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: The only hard part about having a gay cousin is the only like, I'm the only one that knows my cousin's gay.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, it's weird.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: So it's not like he came out the closet, it's more like he opened the door and went, Hey, I suck dick in here, don't tell nobody.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: And it closed the door.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: All right, that's my time.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: I'm going back a bone.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all have a great night.