Latest / She Speaks Life - Christian Women, Strengthen Your Faith, Bible Study, Grow Spiritually In Christ / How To Be A Pattern Breaker And Legacy Changer With Kristen Hallinan

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How To Be A Pattern Breaker And Legacy Changer With Kristen Hallinan · She Speaks Life - Christian Women, Strengthen Your Faith, Bible Study, Grow Spiritually In Christ

• 0:00
  Hey there, Welcome back to She Speaks Life.
• 0:02
  I am thrilled that you are here listening to this episode.
• 0:06
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  your faith and what you are relying on God to do in and
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  through your life. To purchase, simply click the
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  link below in the show notes and it will take you to
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  jamieelizabeth.com. You can order on my shop page
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  and while you're there, take the fun quiz I have to offer to find
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  Because who doesn't love a discount and free shipping?
• 1:22
  OK. Today I interviewed Kristen
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  Hallinan. She is the author of Legacy
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  Changer. Heal the Hurt, Redeem your
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  story, and create hope for your family.
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  In our conversation, Kristen shared insights on how to break
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  generational patterns and become legacy changers for the glory of
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  God. We discussed the crucial steps
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  needed to heal what trauma really means and how to
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  establish boundaries in dysfunctional relationships.
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  This is a fascinating topic, and I enjoyed our conversation with
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  Kristen so much. So let's dive in and learn more.
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  Here's my guest, Kristen Hallinan.
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  Hey, Kristen, Welcome to She Speaks Life.
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  I am so glad you're here. Welcome.
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  I am so thrilled to be here with you today.
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  Thank you for having me, Jamie. Yeah, I.
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  Love the message that you are going to speak on about healing
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  from your past so we can be pattern Breakers and legacy
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  changers. And before we dive in more into
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  that, I love to kick us off with each conversation with What is
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  your favorite scripture verse and why?
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  I just feel like we can find out so much about our guests just by
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  asking that simple question. I love the way you start that
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  up. Yeah, that's great.
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  My favorite verse lately has been Psalm 27, four through 6,
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  and I'll just read it to you real fast and I'll tell you why.
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  It says I have asked one thing from the Lord.
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  It is what I desire to dwell in the House of the Lord.
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  All the days of my life, gazing on the beauty of the Lord and
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  seeking him in his temple, He will conceal me in his shelter
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  in the day of adversity. He will hide me under the cover
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  of His tent. He will set me high on a rock.
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  Then my head will be high above my enemies around me.
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  I will offer sacrifices in his tent with shouts of joy.
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  I will sing and make music to the Lord.
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  And I am loving that. Because you know, all everything
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  that's gone into my story of changing the legacy of my family
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  has required a lot of courage. And so all of the therapy and
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  trauma therapy and medication and all the different resources
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  and knowledge of how the brain works, like that's all been good
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  and necessary. But I couldn't do any of it if
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  my courage and my strength was attempting to be found anywhere
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  other than the Lord. So I love how David is like I'm
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  having adversity, but I still trust you.
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  And not only that, but I'm going to sing and shout your praises
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  even when I'm feeling this way. So that's what that verse.
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  Amen. I mean, that's how I got through
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  some of my darkest times, is just by praising him and
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  rejoicing and doing what David did in Solomon.
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  It really does work. It's in the Bible for a reason.
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  So yes. Let's start off with your own
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  experience about breaking that generational cycle.
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  Why is this message so special to you?
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  Yeah, you know, families. I feel like until we get older,
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  we don't know that our family is not normal and right and
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  healthy. Like it's just what we know and
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  what we learn to operate in. And I had no clue that I was
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  living in really survival mode for the first couple decades of
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  my life until my very first awareness of it was a friend's
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  house that was a Christian family.
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  I grew up, my dad was and still is an atheist, and my mom was
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  raised Catholic but wasn't believing and teaching it to us.
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  So being in a home that was believers and just looked so
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  wildly different than my own, I for the first time, had my eyes
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  open. Like, maybe maybe there is
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  something other than this really chaotic, dysfunctional life that
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  I was living. And as I got older and started
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  to have a family of my own. I was married young, I had kids
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  young and all of a sudden saw myself reacting in all these
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  really yucky ways. And my parents had always acted
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  to me and always said I would never do that to my family.
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  And then here I was doing all that to my family.
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  And I got to the point where I eventually just had to say this
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  is not the legacy I'm going to pass on.
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  My kids are going to have a different story to their kids.
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  And you know, not to say that I don't mess up all the time,
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  because I do, but I wanted to give my kids a level up from
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  what I was handed. So you have 4 kiddos.
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  What are the ages? Now there's 6/10/14 and 16.
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  Awesome separated, just so I like that.
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  Yep. Close enough together without
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  too much. So how are you passing down this
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  legacy that's different for your kids?
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  It is in so many different ways, but when it really comes down to
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  it, for me it's in the tiny little things that happen in our
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  home every day. It's not some big grandiose
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  thing like, you know, now they're going to be handed a
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  trust fund because they won't. And you know, all these big
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  things. I think that sometimes when we
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  think about legacy, we think of the bigger things.
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  But for us, it's in the way we speak to each other every day.
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  The way we react when someone messes up.
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  The words that I speak over my kids, especially when they're
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  having ugly moments. The way that my husband and I
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  interact with each other and therefore the security they feel
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  in the home because of it. It's in all of the little
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  moments that I am refusing to let myself keep marching forward
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  unhealed. I'm working on myself so that I
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  can show up as a better mom and a better wife, more regulated,
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  just person in general. And I can show them that there
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  are different ways. And then beyond that too, it's
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  the extended family that you know for the most part has not
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  chosen to engage in the same healing.
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  That we just have a lot of really frank conversations about
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  what is appropriate, what is not appropriate, where are our
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  boundaries going to be, And then at the same time figuring out
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  how to still show them love because the love of Jesus looks
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  different. Yeah.
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  And I want to speak more on boundaries because I I think
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  that's important in a minute. But let's go into the steps to
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  heal that you share in your book, which I think is really
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  awesome to give the reader these stepping stones, if you will, to
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  to heal so that you can leave a healthy legacy.
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  So what wisdom could you impart on somebody who doesn't know
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  where to start doing such as that?
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  Yeah, and you know, all of our stories and experiences right
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  now are so different. But for me, I was in chaos mode.
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  I was not even in a place where I could really be unpacking
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  everything and doing the deep work of healing because my life
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  was so out of control. So it was looked like for me,
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  talk therapy and starting to figure out what my story looked
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  like. Trauma is so good at having us
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  have these fragmented memories. I feel like a lot of people,
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  when they say I don't really remember much of my childhood,
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  it's probably because it was really painful and you were
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  dissociating so much of the time that your brain was protecting
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  you. And so to begin to unpack what
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  was my story and all like, did these things happen to me and
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  what am I going to do about it from here on out?
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  So a lot of story work for me preceded the real deep trauma
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  work. And you know, I'm just so
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  grateful that science is finally catching up to what the Bible's
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  been telling us for thousands of years.
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  That healing is found in a transformation of our mind and
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  the therapies now that are available, EMDR and brain
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  spotting and neurofeedback. All of these things are allowing
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  us to physically reprocess the memories and form new neural
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  pathways so that, you know, of course we still remember these,
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  the painful things that happened to us, but they're not stuck in
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  our nervous system anymore. We've processed the memory
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  through our brain in a way that our body knows, OK, that was in
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  the past and it's not currently happening to me.
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  And I don't have to be stuck in fight, flight or freeze all the
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  time. And just to be able to bring
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  yourself back to the present and not have these reactions that
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  are so wildly disproportionate for what's happening in the here
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  and now. Because if we are trying to
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  transform our family and we have kiddos, especially kiddos are
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  triggering. As a mom, They are loud and they
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  are selfish. And there are a lot of these
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  things that might remind us of painful things that happened to
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  us before. And so we got to get ourselves
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  healed and in check so that we can treat them properly.
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  Yeah. It goes back to, you know, the
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  renewal of our mind and how much it is important to renew our
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  mind with the truth by reading our word, you know, and doing
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  the word, not just being hearers, but do doers of the
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  word. And so much that goes into our
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  thought. Life is what shapes us.
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  It's what, you know, gives us the action after the thought.
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  Let's talk more on trauma because we sometimes can tend to
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  use that word flippantly, you know, like, oh, I'm traumatized,
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  I was trauma. But you you describe what truly
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  trauma is. So let's let's expand on that.
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  Yeah, yeah, you're totally right.
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  Nowadays, I feel like, you know, trauma is just a word, totally
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  thrown it out around. And the real meaning is not
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  actually talked about that much. So trauma happens when two
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  things happen at the same time. Number one, we feel helpless in
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  our pain. So something is happening to us.
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  It's really painful and we don't feel like we have the resources,
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  the strength, the ability, whatever it is to get ourselves
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  out of the situation. So we feel helpless, and then we
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  are not cared for in the sense of emotionally processing it and
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  cognitively processing it. So we don't have someone that
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  comes alongside us and help us figure out what.
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  How am I feeling about that? What just happened to me?
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  Was that my fault? Was that somebody else's fault?
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  What did I have something that I could have done about it?
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  And so understanding that requires moving it from that
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  intuitive first part of our brain and the limbic system all
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  the way front to the prefrontal cortex where we're like
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  logically and reasonably processing things through.
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  And if our body feels so overwhelmed that it's just
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  firing off all those chemicals, and the thoughts never move
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  forward into the front part of our brain, that's when our
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  nervous system takes an imprint of that memory.
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  And then every time something reminds us it's a smell or a
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  tone of voice or similar surroundings, every time
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  something reminds us of that original pain, our body thinks
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  it is happening again in the here and now, and it has just as
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  strong of response. And so trauma is really that
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  physical reaction to a mental memory.
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  You're so right about that and how that trauma, you can tell it
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  affects your physical, affects your body.
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  You start getting the, you know, the racy heart, you know and the
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  nervousness so, so good. OK.
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  You talk about attachment in your book.
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  Can you expand more on that? What attachment is in adults for
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  us? I'd love to talk about this,
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  because this is something I so wish I'd understood earlier on
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  in my marriage. It could have really saved us a
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  lot of grief. Attachment is it happens
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  primarily in the first zero to three years of life.
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  But that's not to say that it can't ever change after that.
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  It's just requires a lot more work.
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  So the attachment that we are forming with are caregivers.
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  So whether that's our biological parents, adoptive parents, our
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  grandparents, whoever it is that we're depending on for care, the
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  attachment that we are forming with them, meaning we trust that
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  they are going to meet our needs and we trust that when we voice
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  a need, they're going to respond to it.
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  So, you know, for a baby, it's when they cry, children when
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  they're attempting to use their words.
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  And so parents who are very disengaged and emotionally cold
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  to their kiddos are not forming the same secure attachments as
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  emotionally healthy parents or parents that are extremely needy
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  and overbearing and don't let the child have a voice at all
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  that is also affecting their attachment.
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  So what they found is primarily people with trauma in their
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  childhood. They weren't just anxiously
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  attached or avoidantly attached. They were some combination of
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  the both and going back and forth.
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  My chapter on this is called Never Leave Me Go Away because
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  that's kind of the like, I just, I'm clingy.
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  I need more of you. I need you to constantly be
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  reaffirming that I'm safe and you love me and that I'm worthy.
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  But then they get too close and now that's really scary and back
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  off because I don't trust you with the secret inner parts of
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  me. So in a marriage, especially for
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  a spouse that is experiencing that, and very few of us are
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  like perfectly securely attached.
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  So almost everyone has some component of they're either
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  avoidant or conflict or they engage really hard in conflict
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  and understanding that about our spouse, especially the
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  understanding of it's not about me, but it's about what happened
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  to them before and This is why they're reacting that way.
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  And maybe this is the way that I could care for them a little
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  bit, a little bit better, just easily, more early in the
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  conversation to invent, prevent these big blow UPS that were
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  happening in my marriage. It's transformative, especially
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  when you have kids that are watching these dynamics and
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  their own attachment is being affected by it.
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  Mm hmm. Yeah, so good.
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  I mean, anything when we're aware of something, you know,
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  then we can start moving into healthier ways and responding
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  when we're aware. So, so good.
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  OK, let's address family dysfunction and how to start
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  practicing boundaries. I think that for most people,
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  they struggle with boundaries. It's challenging because I think
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  we feel like we're being mean, drawing that line, like it's a
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  negative thing, like we're being the bad guy.
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  And really, you talk about how Jesus set those boundaries as
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  well. So I would love to really tackle
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  on this topic boundaries because I think this is going to really
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  help a lot of people. Yeah, boundaries get a bad rap,
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  I think, especially in the church and being someone that
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  became a believer. When I was a young adult I was
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  unpacking and figuring out who this Jesus was and how it
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  affected me. And then how can I marry my now
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  belief in Jesus with my crazy life that I have been living and
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  how do the two intertwine and and a bad Christian if I'm
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  telling people no and I'm putting up those boundaries.
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  So what I had to learn was that boundaries are kind because they
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  set the rules of engagement for a relationship and they say this
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  is what is OK with me and this is what's not OK with me.
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  And what you have happened when boundaries aren't in place is
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  resentment is growing. I don't like the way that you're
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  treating me and that's growing resentment in my heart.
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  And one day that's going to end up in a blow up when all along
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  you had no idea that that wasn't OK with me.
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  And boundaries are like this dance of a relationship.
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  Even if we're used to a very unhealthy dance, it's just the
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  dance that we're used to in this relationship.
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  And then when someone puts a boundary in place and says, hey,
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  we're going to do some different steps in this dance, you're
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  like, no, no, no. I like that old dance we were
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  doing. I was comfortable with that.
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  I knew what to expect in that. And so boundaries can be so hard
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  to receive. And so I think that's why we shy
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  away from putting them in place a lot, because we know it's
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  going to be uncomfortable and we know it's they're probably not
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  going to be received well initially, but they are
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  necessary if we want to have a healthy relationship.
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  It's necessary for our own mental sanity and peace.
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  But it's also necessary if we are going to be physically,
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  emotionally, mentally freed up enough to live out the calling
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  that Jesus has placed on our life.
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  Because if we have our time and emotional energy suck dry by
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  these relationships that we're not putting boundaries in, we
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  are not free to live out the calling of being the mom and the
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  wife and the believer, growing his Kingdom and showing up in
• 19:44
  our job the way we should. Like all of that is just suck
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  dry to a barren place where we have nothing left to give to
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  these places where we should be bearing fruit.
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  And all because the boundaries felt uncomfortable.
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  Yeah. Yeah, so good.
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  So how did Jesus set boundaries? What did you find in scripture?
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  Because I think that's a good one to talk about.
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  Yeah. So He had 12 disciples that were
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  his inner circle that He gave significantly increased access
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  to, and He's Jesus, so He knew their hearts and knew how they
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  were going to respond to Him. And for us, we have to have a
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  little bit more discernment in that and try to figure that out.
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  But we should be picking people who are safe, who are going to,
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  you know, within boundaries. Be loyal, be kind, be loving,
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  respect the words that come out of our mouth.
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  That should be who on our inner circle is and who is building us
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  up every day. And then there's another layer
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  of acquaintances, people that we're friends with, but they
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  just don't get quite the same level of access for whatever
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  reason. And then there is another circle
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  beyond that of people that are not safe and that are not a
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  healthy addition to our lives. And depending on relationships,
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  I mean, if it's your boss or if it's your mother-in-law, there
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  are some people that we work a lot harder towards staying in
• 21:25
  relationship with. And so we're going to really
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  have to work on those boundaries with those people.
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  And then there's some people that maybe it's OK if they stay
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  in that outer ring and we're not having a relationship with them.
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  My, my daughter gave had a great example of this.
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  She said to her friend, her friend was saying some unkind
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  things about another friend. And she said, I don't want you
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  saying that stuff around me. And her friend pushed back and
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  she said I want you to be my friend, but I'm choosing people.
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  They're going to respect what I say to them.
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  And I was like, well, that's a win.
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  There's a lot of parenting losses.
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  Yeah, a lot of parenting losses around here.
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  But that one was a win. That was awesome.
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  And if we could all have that courage to say that, hey, I've
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  told you what I feel comfortable with and this is what I need you
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  to respect, our relationships would improve a lot.
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  Yeah, Amen to that. And we have to guard our heart
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  and our minds and that's what I, you know go to each time when
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  set the boundary on certain people and draw that line.
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  And it's to guard your your heart and keep that peace and
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  keep a somewhat of a relationship especially when it
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  comes to family, extended family.
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  It's good to have that where this is OK and this is not OK,
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  you know areas. And so I love that.
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  I love that we talked about that because I think a lot of us
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  struggle with starting to place those boundaries in our lives
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  that are so needed. We would live so much with more
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  fulfilling and joyful lives, healthier lives, if we just took
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  that inventory on where what? Who are the people in my life
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  that I need to set boundaries in?
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  Where, where does it feel toxic, you know, and and I think at
• 23:24
  some point too, like it's extremely toxic, then, yeah, You
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  know, it may be not just a boundary, but like, you know,
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  you need to not have them do life with you anymore.
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  So yeah, that's true too. So.
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  When I'm setting those boundaries, I just for someone I
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  might. If it was me listening, I might
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  be thinking, OK, but what do I say?
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  And so for somebody who's thinking that I kind of do a
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  bun, burger, bun, I start out with, hey, I love you.
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  And I really want us to both feel respected and loved in this
• 23:58
  relationship and just kind of set that intention there.
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  And for me, I'm going to need for, you know, at what whatever
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  the boundary might be when we're here, we're not going to yell at
• 24:13
  each other or if we're going to have a conversation, we're not
• 24:16
  going to cuss at each other or whatever it is.
• 24:18
  And then also in the back of your mind, just be prepared.
• 24:23
  What are you going to do? How are you going to react when
• 24:26
  they don't react well? Because it's usually not.
• 24:28
  If they don't react well, it's going to be a win the first
• 24:30
  time. And so am I going to say, no
• 24:35
  problem. I know you probably need to
• 24:36
  think about that. Hey, let's try again on this
• 24:39
  conversation next week. So you're just going to walk
• 24:41
  away, You know, what is, What is your plan that you can walk into
• 24:46
  the situation confidently knowing that if this falls
• 24:49
  apart, this is what I'm going to do and it's going to be OK.
• 24:53
  That's great advice. Be prepared with how you're
• 24:56
  going to respond. That's so good.
• 24:59
  OK, You share in your book about grieving and celebrating as part
• 25:04
  of the healing process. So how would you characterize
• 25:07
  that share with us, what you mean by that?
• 25:10
  Yeah, it took me a while to realize that I had things to
• 25:14
  grieve because for me, a lot of my trauma was less, you know,
• 25:22
  big bad things that happened and more about the total absence of
• 25:27
  love and protection and care happening in my home or in my
• 25:32
  relationships. And so I had to grieve the
• 25:38
  relationships that I didn't have when I was young and the
• 25:41
  relationships that I don't have now.
• 25:44
  And I had to grieve milestones that so many other people
• 25:51
  remember in their life. That didn't really happen for
• 25:54
  me. I had a grieve growing up too
• 25:57
  young. I had a grieve having to almost
• 26:01
  parent my parents or parent my sister in a lot of ways.
• 26:06
  So there were things there to grieve, but I didn't want to get
• 26:09
  stuck there because that was not all that Jesus had for me.
• 26:15
  And becoming a Christian, I learned that in him the best is
• 26:20
  always yet to come, and so there was a lot to celebrate as well.
• 26:25
  David in two different places in the Bible demonstrated I think,
• 26:29
  both of these things super well. Psalm 13.
• 26:32
  He kind of gives us a rhythm for what biblical lament looks like
• 26:35
  because grieving to the secular world is, you know, crying and
• 26:38
  being sad. Maybe a lot of self-care and all
• 26:41
  that is good and has its place, but biblical lament requires
• 26:46
  turning towards God and voicing our complaint and trusting him
• 26:52
  with the outcome and then praising him anyway.
• 26:56
  And then in Second Samuel 622, David talks about he was getting
• 27:04
  scolded for praising kind of like a Wildman in the streets.
• 27:10
  And he says I will get even more undignified than this in the
• 27:15
  name of the Lord. He just had no shame when it
• 27:19
  came to praising the Lord. And coming from a house that
• 27:23
  didn't celebrate well and celebration always felt clouded
• 27:26
  in shame. I've had a hard time
• 27:28
  celebrating. So that picture has just been a
• 27:30
  really great picture of joy and what it should look like for me.
• 27:34
  Like we're just going to get wild and crazy and goofy and the
• 27:37
  name of the Lord and we're just not going to care what anyone
• 27:39
  thinks. And so both of us.
• 27:42
  And it wasn't like I grieved and now I'm celebrating.
• 27:46
  It's like a a roller coaster of grief.
• 27:48
  Celebrate, grief, celebrate, and we'll probably be on that roller
• 27:51
  coaster for forever. But to be able to hold both at
• 27:55
  the same time and know they're not mutually exclusive has been
• 27:58
  really healing for me. Yeah, 'cause we can grieve, but
• 28:02
  be grateful. We can grieve and and praise God
• 28:05
  for the things that he has done and and and still have joy, even
• 28:11
  though we're grieving. You know, because it's not based
• 28:14
  on circumstances, our joy and celebration.
• 28:18
  It's who God is and what is to come.
• 28:23
  Like you were saying, so, so good.
• 28:25
  OK, I love finishing off with a take away that our listener can
• 28:29
  ponder on or take action. Yeah, for me it is remembering
• 28:35
  that healing is about looking upward, not inward.
• 28:40
  I think we can get really stuck on what went on inside of me and
• 28:45
  what was done to me, and instead of who was with me the whole
• 28:49
  time, who has promised he will always be with me?
• 28:52
  Who's going to carry me through this?
• 28:54
  And so doing the inner work, yes, but not losing sight of
• 29:01
  where my eyes should be gazing. So good okay, Where can people
• 29:05
  find your wonderful book and connect with you?
• 29:09
  Yeah, Anywhere Books are sold Amazon, Barnes and Noble,
• 29:13
  christianbook.com. It's called Legacy Changer.
• 29:17
  And connect with me on Instagram.
• 29:19
  Kristen dot Hallinan it's HALLINAN.
• 29:23
  Or go to the front page of my website.
• 29:24
  Take my quiz cycle Breaking Superpower and figure out how
• 29:28
  some unmet needs in your childhood have really turned
• 29:32
  into a superpower you can use to break your legacy.
• 29:34
  Great. It's wonderful.
• 29:35
  Yes, The title Legacy Changer. Heal the Hurt.
• 29:39
  Redeem your story. Create hope for your family.
• 29:43
  It is a wonderful book, and I thank you so much, Kristen, for
• 29:48
  coming on here and sharing your wisdom with us and your message.
• 29:52
  Thank you for speaking life into all these women.
• 29:55
  Thank you. Thank you so much for listening
• 29:59
  today, and I trust that God has encouraged you through this
• 30:02
  story. Did you know?
• 30:04
  This podcast is on YouTube? Hop on there and subscribe and
• 30:08
  you can see a live recording of each episode.
• 30:12
  And For more information on this ministry and to access free
• 30:15
  downloads, please visit my website at jamieelizabeth.com.
• 30:20
  That's JAYME elizabeth.com. And let's connect beyond this
• 30:26
  podcast by going to my Instagram handle Jamie, Elizabeth, She
• 30:29
  Speaks Life or Facebook. Until next time, my friend.
• 30:33
  I hope God reveals himself through your own life story.