Latest / Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute / 50: Reclaiming Masculinity and Embracing Equality

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50: Reclaiming Masculinity and Embracing Equality · Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute

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  Hey y'all, I've been thinking about this topic for a bit now
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  and I wasn't ready to release it yet.
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  But in Group we covered it because a guy brought it to the
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  table today and I thought it was beautiful and it was organic.
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  And I don't know if it'll be organic today because it's
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  scripted in the fact of I heard it earlier and now we're going
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  to spend some time on it. But it was organic in Group.
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  So just excited to talk to you about it.
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  So when I first started to unpack my ideas about what it
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  meant to be a man, I realized that so many of those ideas
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  weren't mine. They were inherited.
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  Today, what I want to do is I want to talk about what it means
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  to reclaim masculinity on your own terms.
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  Because I came from home. I love my own, my my dad, my
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  grandpas, like all the men in my life, amazing people, respecting
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  their community, valued. I value them.
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  But I'm telling you, it was it was diesel mechanics, farmers,
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  loggers, it was blue collar, it was tough men.
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  And there was some love them some toxic masculinity traits
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  inside of that. And I want to unpack some of
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  those today and see what you can relate to.
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  OK, so that's what we're going to go through.
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  Welcome to Beyond the Facade podcast.
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  I'm your host, Luke Gordon, and I'm thrilled to have you join me
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  in the space today. What we're going to be doing is
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  diving deep into the trials and triumphs and truths of seeking
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  authenticity. Becoming your true self isn't
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  about a single action or a moment.
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  It's a relentless pursuit, a commitment to self that reveals
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  the rich connection and meaning that our life has to offer.
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  So whether this is your first time tuning in or you're a
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  regular listener, know this. What you're building here goes
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  beyond a conversation. You're here to challenge, to
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  change, and to celebrate the incredible journey of becoming
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  your authentic self. Because when you dare to show up
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  fully, the rewards are immeasurable.
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  So welcome to Beyond the Facade. Let's get started.
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  All right, so let's set the stage for this masculinity
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  crisis piece. But I'm going to tie 2 topics
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  together. The question to use is what
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  messages did you grow up with and what does it mean to be a
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  man? So we're emotions part of that
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  message were you brought up with?
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  Maybe I'll say or share some funny ones, but some of the
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  messages I got were hopefully none of these really
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  inappropriate. I don't see any blood.
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  So you can't cry. Let's see cowboy up, cream puff.
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  Real tough men do hard things and don't really talk about
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  their emotions attached to it. There were just some messages
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  growing up that I got, and I want to acknowledge how men are
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  often taught to equate strength and silence and dominance.
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  So those three things, they go together and I want to normalize
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  the struggle without the shame attached to it.
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  You're not broken for maybe having some experiences where
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  you inherited something and it's not yours, it was just given to
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  you. So it's not your thinking, OK,
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  It doesn't belong to you, and you have your opportunity to
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  shed it. So we're going to talk about
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  reclaiming masculinity. First thing is, is what is it
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  and what isn't it? Let's define toxic masculinity
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  and then we're going to merge it with something else.
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  It's not saying men are toxic, but it's in terms that describes
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  like some cultural scripts that harm us all.
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  Let's outline some of those traits.
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  So suppression, A vulnerability, that's something toxic
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  masculinity does. It's control is absolutely a
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  part of that experience. Sexual entitlement is a part of
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  toxic masculinity and a disdain for anything that's like
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  feminine. If you're a man and you have
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  feminine traits or you have a softer side, toxic masculinity
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  doesn't have any space for that like that.
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  That's a dangerous place to go to share any of that stuff.
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  So if we have those traits that are defined by toxic
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  masculinity, like I'm not allowed to be vulnerable, let's
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  talk about the cost associated with it.
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  Let's tie it into addiction and recovery.
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  When we aren't allowed to feel, we often find secret ways to
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  numb because we're going to have to fill.
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  So let's tie this into feminism as a path to wholeness.
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  I want to debunk some of the mess of what feminism actually
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  is. Feminism.
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  It's not anti man, OK? Feminism is the belief that all
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  genders deserve like equality and dignity and safety and
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  opportunity. If we highlight this, the
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  synergy with recovery and if we let feminism be that thing where
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  we don't view it as anti man and we view it that there's a fight
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  for two people in a relationship to be able to be equal to each
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  other, but to be able to be partners and dignity to be
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  there. And that fight is for to have
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  something balanced back out. This can be really helpful.
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  So just again, it's not anti man.
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  And I want to highlight some of the synergy that goes on with
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  recovery of what feminism is trying to fight for.
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  And by the way, I'm a man talking about this.
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  We need a woman to be here to tell us actually what this looks
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  like. So please bear with me with all
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  my flaws and weaknesses and short sides of attempting to
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  describe parts of feminism. But feminism is the belief that
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  all genders deserve equality, dignity, safety, opportunity.
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  It's a big shift to have that balance back out.
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  So once we get that balance, there's something that happens
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  in individual recovery work for us as men that they're actually
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  doing over there too in their journey.
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  So let's highlight some of those things.
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  First. One is both of them call for
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  truth telling. When it comes to truth telling,
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  what is it guys? We know truth telling, what is
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  that? That is truth telling is really
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  like essential. Our partners are asking what is
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  truth? And we're going on journey of
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  leaving denial and breaking through and learning how to tell
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  truth, learning how to be honest.
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  But it's not just truth telling that we do there.
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  There is the journey for her that she's doing the same thing.
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  She's trying to tell truth also. It looks a little different.
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  It's hers trying to understand what truth is, understanding
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  what reality is, and then sharing it and be able to say
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  for herself to be able to say that of this is truth and this
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  is what it looks like. And how often my journey am I
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  trying to stop that from happening?
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  My attic brain, my parts that are still in denial.
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  If I see my partner out there trying to tell truth and I don't
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  like it. She's trying to understand
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  truth. She's trying to get stuff out of
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  me and then viewing her as the enemy.
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  But both call for truth telling. There's a both a fight for what
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  reality is. We're going to take a quick
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  break for a moment. I want to let you know of some
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  things that we have coming up with Truth Recovery Services.
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  I'm very excited to tell you about the unmasked intensive we
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  have coming up in May. It's May 13th through the 16th
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  in Spanish Fork, UT. The name of the intensive is
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  unmasked past to authentic masculinity.
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  Let me tell you some of the things we're going to
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  accomplish. We're going to explore some root
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  causes like at the end of the day, what's underneath this
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  behavior? What's the why behind it?
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  What's the insights into understanding why my behavior
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  existed? The one that kept me in secrecy
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  and hiding? We're going to embrace
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  vulnerability. So we're confront a lot of the
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  struggles of that non judge mental space so you can foster
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  more authentic connections with the people that you love.
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  We're going to realign with your values.
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  We're going to learn new coping strategies and we're going to
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  afford some authentic connection.
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  We're going to build a lot of camaraderie to hear that
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  happens. I wanted to share with you what
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  previous participants have said about this transformation.
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  So here's what one guy said. I'm just going to read it to
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  you. I love the connection with those
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  around me. It was eye opening to learn how
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  to open up and show love for myself and be OK with what's
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  going on inside of me, no matter how hard or ugly I may see it.
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  I specifically remember this man saying this and just being
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  astounded by like wow from around people that really open
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  up. What can I explore and learn
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  about myself is intensive. He found it be really eye
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  opening. So anyway, For more information
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  and reserve your spot, go ahead and visit our website and we'll
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  provide some information for you and then take the time to invest
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  in yourself so you can start to lean in in a more authentic way
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  in your life. Looking forward to seeing you
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  there. Well, let's get back to our
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  episode. So what does feminism and
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  recovery have in common? Both speak to heal trauma.
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  All seek to understand generational patterns.
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  That's not just generational but relational patterns and both
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  seek to dive into that, to know it, to understand it and to have
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  that be healed. Both of them pushed back against
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  systemic shame like so much shame.
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  We don't I don't view that or maybe that's not viewed of what
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  might be a radical woman that is trying to fight back against
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  some cultural things, some patterns, but she's actually
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  fighting against systemic shame of suppression.
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  How do I do that applies in you think about that number one
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  question that's asked to me, which is and when I get a chance
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  to sit in a intensive or a group for women that have been
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  betrayed. Their question that they're
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  asking is how could he have done this?
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  Why could he have done this? And it's attack like am I
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  enough? So the shame that exists if he
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  chose this. So what does that say about me?
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  So both, both are fighting against this shame that's built
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  by our system. I have a quote for you from bell
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  hooks or Brené Brown. And it's so, so powerful.
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  So the first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males
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  is not violence towards women. Instead, patriarchy demands of
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  all males that they engage in acts of psychic self mutilation.
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  OK, holy holy cow. It doesn't just hurt women, it
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  hurts us because I have to mutilate myself.
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  I have to deny parts of me, the one who exists in being able to
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  express my emotions and my feelings.
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  I have to hurt myself first. So that's the first act of
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  violence. The thought here is we get to
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  rewrite the masculine script. So they get to be new mantra.
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  I get to choose masculine. I get to choose what it looks
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  like because maybe what was given to me doesn't work
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  culturally from generationally. So we get to share what healthy
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  masculinity might look like. So that could be courage.
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  It is courage, tenderness, accountability, emotional
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  fluency, right protection without dominance.
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  So there's how do I show up with strength and how do I have
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  softness in my relationship? I thought strength was just
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  being the head of the household, was being the guy that can pull
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  the money in. That could be just being
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  attracted to my partner in really strong ways.
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  I, I want to recognize if we're going to destruct some of these
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  patterns that we have to do it intentionally.
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  So this is where Rick Souvery has the opportunity to evolve in
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  recovery. We talked about the three
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  circles, which if this is new information for you have to go
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  research it. But when the guy starts in his
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  journey, he does 3 circles, which is what's my inner circle
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  behavior? That's like porn and cheating on
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  my partner. What's middle circle behavior?
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  That's the stuff that leads to that.
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  Maybe that's inappropriate conversations, emotional
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  connection with the opposite sex, whatever it might be.
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  And then we define outer circle behaviors, which is what are the
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  what is the new behavior? What is the self-care?
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  What are those things that keep me in a healthy space, that
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  keeps me from middle and inner circle?
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  So I stay on the outside and never get in.
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  And those look like, you know, my meditation, mindfulness, that
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  would be my exercise, could be connection with other people.
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  So those are the things that keep me from drifting in the
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  middle and inner circle behavior.
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  I just want to give us a little bit of a foundation for that
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  before we tie this into three circles.
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  So if masculinity is something I remember trying to redefine,
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  let's use my three circles to do that.
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  Let's decide, OK, what does inner circle behavior look like
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  for me from toxicating masculinity?
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  It's aggression, it's silence, it's control.
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  OK, So what is the stuff that leads me to that?
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  What's my middle circle behavior?
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  It's resentment, it's entitlement, it's disconnection.
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  So once I'm experiencing those things, that means I'm in
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  dangerous territory. So it's only a matter of time
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  before I act out in ways that I don't want to.
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  Entitlement that's going to lead me to a place where I'm showing
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  up in a way that I don't want to.
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  And then you have outer circle, you pull it out, which is the
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  things that the healthy way of living.
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  So now if I'm going to fight back against and establish
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  something new with healthy masculinity, it's going to be
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  I'm being focused on things that bring connection, things that
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  lead me to curiosity, things that focus on what are my
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  healthy boundaries. So just we get to use the three
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  circles to to build something new in healthy masculinity.
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  Let's come up with like a weekly practice or some type of
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  reflection. So you don't just leave this
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  podcast with there's some information I heard that, but
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  what can I actually do? So here's the question I have
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  for you to write down to prompt you to come back to later, which
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  can help you build into the three circle exercise something
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  new. OK, so here's the question.
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  What version of masculinity Are you ready to retire?
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  Reflect on that. What version of masculinity am I
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  ready to retire? And that'll lead me to my next
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  question. What new way of being Are you
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  ready to embody? So what is the new that's going
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  to replace that? That's that outer circle.
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  What's the new way of being that I'm ready to embody?
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  And I would just encourage you to dig into anything Brené Brown
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  related. Ted talks, Esther Perrell's
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  work, just Brene Brown's work is so good.
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  We get a chance to learn so much from women fighting this fight
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  and we get a chance to reflect on ourselves.
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  It's uncomfortable. I got to tell you, she's going
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  to say some stuff that disrupted me that I'm like I disagree
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  with. And then I've spent more time
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  with and I've learned a lot through it.
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  So dive into a lot of her work. Men, women and a worthiness is
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  something that I really love. Talks about what men have to
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  fight and push back on. So just want to offer some
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  encouragement to you. You're not just healing yourself
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  here. You're healing culture.
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  And I invite you to share some feedback with me.
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  Please Share your story with me so we can continue to make this
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  a part of my dialogue and especially in our group setting.
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  Come fight back against this stuff if you're not already,
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  just to come join with us and watch and see other men that are
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  changing the norm and they're empowering themselves so they
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  can empower people are in relationships with or offer
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  support while they empower themselves.
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  Anyway, we're going to conclude with that for now, but thanks
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  for fighting. Don't stop, catch you later.
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  I'd love to share with you what's upcoming and we have
• 15:18
  something really unique coming up in June.
• 15:21
  So for those of you who are in a healing profession, who is
• 15:26
  helping take care of other people, therapist coaches
• 15:30
  especially, but even if you're a nurse working in the medical
• 15:35
  field, if you spend your time catering to everyone else and
• 15:38
  holding their pain and helping them through their heart, we
• 15:42
  have an intensive just for you. This is called Heal the Healer.
• 15:46
  And of Oh well, I love all my intensives, but this one holds
• 15:51
  such a special place in my heart because in Heal the Healer, it's
• 15:56
  where the healer gets to come in for a moment, set everything
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  down and let you be taken care of.
• 16:02
  And this isn't where you're going to come do a ton of
• 16:05
  workshops and lots of learning and have to stretch your brain.
• 16:09
  It's just where you get to come relax.
• 16:11
  You get to kick your feet up and have other professionals.
• 16:15
  They're ready to take care of you and cater to you.
• 16:19
  We have a gorgeous lodge, house, resort property that's all ours
• 16:25
  that has pools and saunas and ponds and paths and trails, and
• 16:31
  it's tucked in the Wasatch Mountains.
• 16:33
  We have a gorgeous place to stay.
• 16:35
  All of your meals are included, activities are included.
• 16:39
  There'll be time for fun if you want to participate in that, and
• 16:42
  also time for downtime and rest. And best of all, you get that
• 16:46
  connection with other strong women who are holding it all
• 16:50
  together for somebody else and who are ready to be taken care
• 16:53
  of. So invest in you, take care of
• 16:57
  you. We would love to have you there.
• 16:59
  I would love to hang out with you and come with us in June to
• 17:03
  heal the healer. Hey, thanks for joining us
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  today. If this is something that you
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  connected with, I'd love to meet with you more and talk about it.
• 17:13
  So what you can do is go to chooserecoveryservices.com or
• 17:17
  check the show notes and there what we can do is set up a quick
• 17:19
  conversation meeting. Thanks so much for listening to
• 17:22
  Beyond the Facade where we unmask the authentic self.