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What Happens When Money Opposites Collide? · Real Money with Lisa Chastain

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  What happens when you have two people who come from entirely
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  different backgrounds and who have entirely different
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  preferences when it comes to money?
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  Well, typically they get married, they start a business
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  together, or they have kids together and here we go.
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  The real reason that we have clashes when it comes to our
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  personal finances and it has nothing to do with a budget.
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  Today we're going to talk about different scenarios where we
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  have different money personalities in relationship.
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  The truth is you think think that everybody's like you when
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  it comes to money and we have a lot of financial experts out
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  there who think that everybody should be just like them and it
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  just doesn't work that way because of these money
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  personalities. Also, like I talked about in my
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  new book, Stop Budgeting, Start Living, there are different
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  financial set points that people have.
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  Some of you were born in worlds of abundance.
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  You never had to worry about money.
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  Your needs were taken care of. You had your needs and wants
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  always given to you. Many of you also grew up in a
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  world of scarcity where you didn't even know where your next
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  meal was coming from. You watched your parents work
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  really, really hard for what they have.
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  And guess what happens? You end up marrying each other.
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  And then you put a budget on top of that.
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  And you think that the budget is going to be the solution to your
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  financial life and it just isn't.
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  So 3 scenarios we're going to talk about today, why those
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  money personalities clash and you're going to learn a lot
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  about yourself and other people. So let's get started.
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  First, let's talk about what the money personalities are.
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  The money personalities, the ones that I use today, were
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  created by Robin Crane. You can look her up
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  robincrane.com. And she helped me understand
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  that these money personalities really influence the way that we
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  make decisions when it comes to our money.
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  So there are five in my world, Dreamer, Saver, Giver, spender,
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  and Avoider, and each of them have different beliefs and
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  behaviors when it comes to money.
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  Did you know that right now? Actually, if you're curious
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  about what your money personality is, go to
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  lisachastain.com/quiz and take the money personality and then
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  you can follow along. You'll know what your money
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  personality is. All right, back to business in a
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  couple situation. I see this over and over again
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  that opposites attract. So we have dreamer, saver,
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  giver, spender, avoider, and a lot of times I have my spenders
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  who attract savers and vice versa.
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  While our spender money personality are people who love
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  to spend money, spending money makes them feel abundant.
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  In the world of personal finance, spenders have gotten a
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  really bad rap and they're the ones that are getting shamed
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  over and over again. Listen, there's nothing wrong
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  with spending. Our entire economy is built and
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  founded on people spending money.
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  And if you think that it's just women spending money, you're
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  wrong. We all have different money
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  personalities, and I see just as many spender money personalities
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  as I do saver money personalities.
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  So what happens when a saver marries A spender?
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  Saver money personalities tend to come from scarcity.
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  Guess what? It's not just about saving money
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  all the time. These are people who perhaps
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  were raised in a lot of financial scarcity and they
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  operate from scarcity, which also means that savers tend to
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  operate from a not enough conversation.
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  And if you're operating from a place of not enough or fear or
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  scarcity, you're going to be creating that all over your
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  life. Also, our saver clients tend to
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  overanalyze the shit out of finances.
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  They wait before making decisions, They research before
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  making decisions. That's a DIF.
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  There's behaviors, researching, waiting, analyzing.
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  There's also the belief system that goes behind that, and
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  typically what I see with my Saber clients is that they were
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  born from a mindset of fear and scarcity when it comes to money.
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  Spenders are people who were their financial set points.
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  A lot of times are our abundance movement, freedom they value,
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  that's important to them, and spending money does not trigger
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  them like savers. So these two people get married,
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  a saver marries A spender, and this happens all across the
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  board in the different money personalities.
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  But we're going to use these two right now because they're
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  complete opposites. So a saver marries A spender,
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  and all of a sudden the saver wants to research and analyze
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  and have a budget in place and control the spender because
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  spending freaks them out. Listen, this does not work in
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  relationships. A lot of times when people get
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  to me in my office, I've got the saver who's in breakdown, who's
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  really frustrated, who's trying to control the spender and
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  teaching them how to budget, and the spender wants nothing to do
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  with it. My husband's a spender.
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  Not spending money is not an option for a spender.
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  Their value system is connected to movement and freedom.
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  These are people who think abundantly.
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  You'll hear them say things like I'll always go out and make more
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  money. Making money is a strength of a
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  spender. Typically savers are good at
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  analyzing, but they don't always do a great job of sales.
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  They don't do a great job of making more money.
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  They don't do a great job of negotiating.
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  A lot of times very different kinds of of people and then
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  where they're married, all of a sudden the saver wants to hold
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  the spender back, the spender wants more freedom, and then all
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  you're due is fighting about values and preferences.
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  A budget is only going to make this worse.
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  So if you're a saver and your partner's a spender or vice
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  versa, here's some things that I want you to think about in this
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  moment. Today, spenders realize that
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  spending money triggers your partner's nervous system.
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  There is something about the way that they make decisions where
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  they might need more time, they might need more research.
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  So you have to realize that this is a part of their anatomy.
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  It's not going to change. But also you can do some things
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  to help them and encourage them in making decisions.
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  And one of those things is asking really powerful
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  questions. Ask your saver partner, ask your
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  saver significant other, hey, how does this make you feel
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  before I do it? Are you going to be OK with it?
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  And what do you need to know? That's another one.
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  What do you need to know before I make this decision?
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  Now the beauty in that spenders is it's going to slow you down
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  long enough to think through the decision and have an open,
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  honest conversation. Now you spending money is going
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  to trigger more than likely your saver money personality that
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  you're in relationship with. But if you have clarity on your
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  numbers, another tip that I would suggest is to learn how to
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  forecast financially spenders. When you can forecast
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  financially and the saver can plug in and see the impact of
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  your decisions, it's going to make things smoother over time.
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  I teach this in my stop budgeting course.
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  You can go to lisachastain.com find the course is there if you
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  want to learn how to financially forecast.
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  This is going to help both of your relationships, which is a
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  much different way of looking at your money ahead of time versus
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  just trying to control what is. So savers and spenders just
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  realize that you're very different.
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  It's going to look and feel differently.
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  Take the money personality quiz, start having new conversations
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  when it comes to money. Here's a second scenario, when
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  money meets business partnerships.
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  Again, the opposites attract. And it's very likely that if
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  you're in a business partnership, sometimes you can
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  attract people who are just like you, which isn't really good
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  either because then you have groupthink that isn't supportive
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  and you're all thinking the same, you're all operating the
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  same. There are a lot of blind spots
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  that come with that right now. What I want to talk about
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  actually is why 2 smart people build a business together.
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  One who wants to reinvest everything in the business and
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  the other who just wants to stack cash.
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  I've had this before in business partnerships.
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  One's a huge dreamer, the other is saver, and they're like oil
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  and water. One partner dreams big, wants to
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  go big, has no problem with accumulating debt to grow the
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  business as long as they can understand the ROI that goes
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  with it. The other one is like a
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  squirrel, save, save, save, save, save, cut back, cut back,
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  cut back, cut back. No, no, no, just slash expenses.
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  And these can be really tough relationships to be in because
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  they're set points. The way that they're operating,
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  the way that they see the world is so different.
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  This is a huge clash in business.
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  For one's a huge dreamer. Guess what?
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  That's typically your CEO and then another one's a huge saver
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  or avoider. We have a lot of people who
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  avoid finances, which is really interesting, and a lot of them
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  can be CF OS because they don't like emotional relationships.
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  They don't want to talk about emotions, they want to talk
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  about numbers. But here's the thing, no matter
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  what your money personality is, your relationship with money is
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  almost entirely emotional. It doesn't matter if you're a
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  saver, dreamer, spender, avoider or giver, you are operating out
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  of a emotional reasons. Financially.
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  The savers, the avoiders, the CF OS want to lock all of that away
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  and just look at numbers, just look at the PNL.
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  But you can't operate business that way because every single
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  one of you, if you're in business, you have a why.
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  Why this matters, why this is important.
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  And our big dreamers, they're risky.
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  They have a high tolerance for risk.
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  They're always about building a bigger plate, and that can be in
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  direct conflict with someone's scarcity conversation or someone
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  sitting safely behind the numbers.
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  So which one are you? The dreamer who dreams big,
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  thinks big, risks big, also maybe has a couple bankruptcies
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  under their belt because of that.
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  Or are you the saver who wants to squirrel all of the money
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  away? But here's the thing, you can't
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  grow a business just squirreling money away.
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  You're going to have to take some risks.
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  The two of you can come together and balance each other's
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  approach, but it's going to take work for you to get there.
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  So take the money personality quiz.
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  Start there. Who are you?
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  And ask this question, Why? Why am I the way that I am?
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  Where did that come from? What do I believe?
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  Is it a belief or is it a fact? Most of the time they're just
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  beliefs. You can work on those things
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  together. You can create balance and
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  harmony in the relationship. I'm going to leave you with that
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  for now. Third scenario, when it comes to
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  money personalities and how they clash.
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  Have you ever had that awkward moment when the check comes and
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  then suddenly the friendship feels off?
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  Why is that? Maybe one of you always pays
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  Hello giver money personality. Maybe one of you never pays and
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  you just kind of skirt by That's not necessarily the giver or the
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  spender money personality, but it could be any other money
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  personality. Right now, in this moment, we're
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  going to talk about the giver versus the saver.
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  Now saver, you might think through this video that I'm
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  picking on you and in some ways I am because in the personal
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  finance industry, the saver has gotten the accolades.
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  The saver is the one that all the personal financial experts
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  are championing. Caleb Hammer, Dave Ramsey, Susie
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  Orman. But The thing is that there's a
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  lot of dis, ease and discomfort that shows up when it comes to
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  the saver. A lot of judgement.
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  It's not that you're doing things wrong necessarily, it's
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  just that you've got to know there are these different money
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  personalities. It's actually I'm going to talk
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  about all five of the money personalities right now.
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  I think that would be way more fun.
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  Here's how the money personalities show up at a table
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  and how they clash. The spender is the one at the
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  table that's ordering for everyone, ordering shots for
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  everyone. They're not even thinking about
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  it, and the bill just keeps racking up.
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  The spender is the one that orders the second or third
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  bottle of wine for the table and behind the scenes everyone else
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  is like oh. I wasn't planning on that.
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  But the spenders like no problem.
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  It's just going to figure itself.
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  Out who can relate to that? And then on the other side,
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  probably next to the spender, you've got the giver who's like.
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  Whatever you think, I'm going to go along with whatever you want
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  to do. Even though I only have 10 bucks
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  in my account right now. I don't know exactly how I'm
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  going to how I'm going to pay for this, but I'm going to go
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  along with it. I'm not going to rock the boat.
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  I'm going to put my knee. Besides, even if I'm vegetarian,
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  I'm going to let them order steak and tell them no big deal,
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  it's OK. Because givers give away their
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  power and being dramatic for purpose, right?
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  But the giver money, personality, you know who you
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  are. You're watching this with
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  friends right now. You're laughing because you're
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  like, Oh my God, that's totally who I am.
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  You show up with gifts for everyone.
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  You don't even know how you're going to pay rent tomorrow, but
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  this is how it shows up at table at dinner with everybody.
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  Then you're like you're stressing out about it, but
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  you're not going to tell anybody because you just want to be
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  supportive in the moment and have a good time.
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  I'm going to go through all the money personalities, by the way.
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  So make sure that you stay with me here.
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  And if you want to know your money personality, go to
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  lisachastain.com/quiz. This is a great conversation
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  starter for girls. Night out.
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  OK, so then you have there's the spender who's ordering like
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  crazy, who doesn't care who's in the moment, who's ordering the
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  VUV or the Dom Perignon for everyone.
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  They're like, Oh my God, how are we going to afford this?
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  Then you have the giver who's just going along with it.
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  It's going to support everybody, going to put their needs aside.
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  And then you have the saver. Who's like, well that's fine,
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  but I'm not paying for anything but mine.
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  So the savers on the corner right there, they have their
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  phone out calculating as things are being ordered what it is
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  that they're ordering and what they have money for.
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  So they sit down even before they order and they have the
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  menu out and then they have their calculator and they're
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  calculating in their head to the dime exactly how much they have.
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  So they order the appetizer instead of the meal because they
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  don't want to overspend. And even if they have $2,000,000
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  in the bank, because they probably do, they're ordering
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  dinner based on the $15 appetizer because it's smaller
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  and they're probably not even going to tip.
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  They're going to let other people handle that.
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  OK, that's saver. And then we have the avoider
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  who's just not there because they're at home taking a bath.
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  They're not even showing up. They're running from their
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  problems. Or they're on the opposite side,
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  the avoiders with the spender over there who's just like
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  ordering everything and they're like I'll put on.
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  My credit card and figure it out.
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  Later. And so then finally we have the
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  dreamer. The dreamer is feeding into all
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  of this, but really is talking to people about their dreams and
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  their goals, and they're probably talking about how
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  successful they are even though they don't have a whole lot of
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  money in the bank. And so they're going to order
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  the most expensive thing on the menu just to impress their
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  friends, not necessarily because it's even something that they
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  want, but they want people to think that they're successful.
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  So they're going to spend their money on that.
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  Totally different reasons and totally different ways of being
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  at the table based on the money personalities.
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  You're starting to get this right.
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  So then the check comes. What happens when the check
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  comes? It sits in the middle of the
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  table. The giver's terrified because
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  they're afraid they're going to get stuck with the bill.
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  So it's between the giver and the spender in the moment about
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  who's going to pay the bill. The avoider is not there,
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  remember? So they're checked out.
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  And then you have the cheap chip who has $20 in their wallet and
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  puts the $20 out. So what happens when the check
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  comes? The giver pulls out their credit
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  card, The spender pulls out their credit card and they they
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  decide to split it. But then the spender says, hey,
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  I got this. Or the dreamer says, hey, I got
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  this. They put it all on their credit
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  card. They pay the bill.
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  They go on to what's next in the evening.
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  Now behind the scenes, the cheap chip is like.
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  I only paid what I paid. But the spender is resentful of
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  the saver because the saver didn't pay for more than what
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  they ordered. Savers good with that.
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  The giver is resentful because the giver wanted to pay for
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  everyone but knew they couldn't afford to, so they let someone
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  else handle the bill. And then the dreamer chips in,
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  puts their Amex down on the table, and pays for everyone.
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  But then the dreamer spends the whole week trying to collect
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  funds and no one else pays, no one else pitches in, and barely
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  anybody tipped. Scenario that could go anyway.
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  But when it comes to our money personalities in full force,
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  this is exactly what shows up in all of the money personalities.
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  And if you're not careful, you're judging other people
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  based on who you are and it doesn't work.
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  So in this video, you've had three different examples of
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  different money personalities, how they show up in
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  relationships and how they clash.
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  The number one thing I would recommend that you do right
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  here, right now is 1 Realize that not everybody's the same.
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  2. Get to know your own money
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  personality first and make sure that you have systems in support
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  of the way that you work best. And be mindful of the fact that
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  there are things that you do, no matter what money personality
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  you are, that don't support you, that don't serve you, and it's
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  time for a new way of being when it comes to money.
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  Third thing is learn money systems and strategies that work
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  for each money personality best. For example, in my household, my
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  spender husband gets a spending account every single week.
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  Money goes into that account. I'm not going to force my
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  husband to not spend money. It'll never work anyway.
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  And in my money personality course, which is on my website,
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  you can take the money personality, you can get to know
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  your individual money personality, and then you can
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  get to know the other money personalities, the strengths and
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  weaknesses of each of them. It's a great start for
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  understanding and appreciating everyone for who they are and
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  realizing that a budget probably works for none of these money
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  personalities. Best.
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  I'm Lisa Chastain, I'm a personal money coach, mentor,
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  and author, and I'm on a mission for people to take control of
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  their lives financially without budgeting.
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  If you liked this video, make sure that you subscribe, send it
• 17:08
  to someone that you know would appreciate this conversation
• 17:11
  too. And I'll see you right here on
• 17:13
  the next conversation when it comes to money awareness,
• 17:16
  relationships with money, and what you can do to heal your
• 17:19
  relationship with money so that you can live your best life.
• 17:21
  You can stop budgeting and you can start living.
• 17:24
  I'll see you next time.