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#77: The Most Powerful Tools in Your Parenting Toolbox · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch, a podcast for parents with older kids in their twenties and thirties who are struggling.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: Each episode is intended to offer you practical tools, new perspectives, and a path forward.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because doing nothing is not an option anymore.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Today's episode is a monologue.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Just me sharing something very insightful, but also helpful because I know you're not here for virtual hugs and fist pumps.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: You want real solutions.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: So here we go.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone is talking about estrangement, which is sort of odd to me because families have been doing this to each other for years.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: If you're a Gen Xer or even a boomer, I'm sure that somewhere in your past, your cousin stopped talking to your aunt, or your grandparents severed ties with their siblings.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Estrangement isn't new.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: What is unusual is the frequency of these estrangements because of social media, which I believe is giving grown adults permission to set boundaries, to prioritize their mental health, and to take a break from their parents if the relationship is persistently hurtful, unmanageable, or intolerable.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Now I don't want this episode to focus too much on that.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: I've already interviewed a mom who was estranged from her children and then had her back again for an update.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's episodes number sixteen and forty-nine, if you're interested.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I've also spoken to adults on the other end who have decided after too much emotional pain that they had to walk away from their parents.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: There is a solution that could have saved all of this estrangement from ever happening.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what I'm talking to you about today.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: But before I do, I want to mention another issue that doesn't get nearly enough attention, but is just as damaging.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: And ironically, it might be the one thing causing the estrangement in the first place.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's called enmeshment.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: Let's look at both of these and then how we can solve them.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: Estrangement is when distance is required because the relationship is unhealthy.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: It becomes unbearable for the adult child, contact stops, space is needed.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: Enmeshment is the opposite.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's too close.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: There's no space, no boundaries.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Your feelings, thoughts, and opinions are all imposed on theirs, and it can be emotionally suffocating.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: Now here's the part that will surprise you.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Enmeshment can lead to estrangement.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: When someone feels like they can't breathe or blossom inside a relationship, they will step away.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: Not out of hate, never.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's self-preservation.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: They want to be understood and respected, and they want you to self-reflect and work on yourself.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: So they take a break, often for a while.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Most parents in either situation love their children deeply.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: That's not what's in question.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's whether that love is being expressed in a way that actually reaches them.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: The solution is communication.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: But isn't it always?
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: Learning how to have conversations where you can stay close to them without overstepping is essential to the well-being of your relationship.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because let's be honest, not everything you think needs to be said.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Your opinions can be unpleasant and unnecessary, even when they come from love.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the secret: it's about becoming aware of how powerful your words are and choosing them wisely.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: When you understand how to do that, magic happens.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's literally transformative.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want you walking on eggshells in your own home.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: You must talk to them.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: But make it thoughtful, respectful, inquisitive, positive, and more than anything else, unconditionally loving.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: As I speak to more young adults, and by the way, I'll be having more of them on this podcast because I think it will help you to understand what they need.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm realizing that even though it doesn't always seem like it, they really want to become their own person, not a copycat version of someone else.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: And they want you to understand them because they don't feel heard or seen.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: They're living in your home and they don't feel connected to you.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe it's to your spouse.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: But home is their hideout right now because they don't even know how to move forward and they don't know how to ask for help.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Even though you really want to do that, I know you are also struggling.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: So that's where the work has to begin.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay to ask them open-ended questions.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm encouraging you to share your own personal experiences with them.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: There is nothing wrong with you saying that you want to help them move forward and that living as they are is not acceptable anymore.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: But it's all how you approach them.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Are you being warm, inquisitive, and engaging?
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: Are you being firm yet confident, confident that you believe in them, because that's how you're going to reach them.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: There isn't anything more powerful than healthy conversations, open dialogue, and respectful communication with your young adults.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want you to be afraid to have these hard conversations.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Here's why.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Children at every stage have a biological need to have a relationship with their parents.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: They don't want to be estranged, nor do they want to feel enmeshed.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: So even when we do make mistakes and say the wrong thing, and we will, we can always repair wounds.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's all in how you say it.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Words are that powerful.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: They can just as easily bring your adult child closer as they can push them away.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Now I know that these conversations might not come easy to you because of how you were raised, which means you'll have to learn.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know, over the past few years, parents have been asking me, how do I say this without getting a negative reaction?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: And at times I'm the one suggesting that parents stop using certain phrases or words which are unintentionally making their adult child feel unworthy.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: And in my parenting course, I include positive and negative statements.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: But since not everyone wants the entire course, shocking, I know, I thought I would create a collection of these scripts, statements and questions that cover a bunch of different categories.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: I even explain why they work, when to use them, and why you should avoid others.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: The link is parentingfx.com forward slash scripts.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's in the show notes, so please don't worry about trying to remember it.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, of all the tools I offer in my parenting toolbox, this one would be my first choice.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Remember when your kids were small and they'd have a temper tantrum?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: We had no idea what they were crying and screaming about, which meant we couldn't help them.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: So what did we always say?
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: Use your words.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Well, if you want to avoid estrangement or enmeshment and you want to have the best relationship with your adult kids, my advice use your scripts because everything you say matters.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is launch.