Latest / Living Uncertain an OCD Podcast / How One Surgery Exposed the Hidden Wins of OCD (OCD)(Episode 30)
Transcript
- Opening: Hello, and welcome to the podcast, Living Uncertain. This podcast is dedicated to obsessive compulsive disorder, OCD, and the primary treatment, exposure response prevention, ERP. OCD comes in many forms, such as contamination, perfectionism, checking, harm, superstitious, religious or moral, sexual orientation, and or relationship. ERP is the gold standard to treating OCD. and it focuses on deliberately confronting fears, the exposure, while refraining from compulsive rituals, the response prevention. With repeated exposures and without engaging in compulsions, we learn to tolerate anxiety and break the cycle of intrusive thoughts. We are a married couple that have faced both the challenges of OCD and the incredible healing that ERP can provide to your marriage, family, and your home. As a person who lives with OCD, I am much more than this diagnosis. We all can be. Marc & Stacee: Hi y'all, I'm Stacey, and along with my husband Mark, we want to thank you for living uncertain with us again tonight. We are first of all, I want to just apologize tonight because I'm now five days post eye surgery here. And I've now been given the all clear to not have to be laying face down twenty four seven for five days. So I'm still a little loopy on that side. So I just want to apologize for But getting better. And as all of you know out there by now, this is the podcast that addresses all things OCD and ERP related. And we are so excited to be doing episode thirty tonight. So welcome, y'all, to episode thirty of Living Uncertain. We're glad to be here and glad that this guy is starting to feel better. He's kind of got a you should see the other guy. kinda look right now, but he's getting there. Yeah, the whole eye's closed up, you know. I can I can open it, but I can't see anything 'cause they put a gas bubble in your eye and you can't see through the gas bubbles. So everything is still blurry until that gas absorbs into your body and dissipates. And then we'll see how successful the surgery was. And we're hoping for the best. And hoping for the best. The doctor at least feels like it went well from what she can see today. That's good. Good news. I want to Give a shout out to you. To me. To you, Stacy. wow. I'm here for it. Okay. Because the the past six days, since last Thursday, you have undergone and You you've overcome so many challenges in in your driving sense. And not just the driving sense, everybody. It's think about your spouse and and all of the other things that they do in a household that you know you guys share the responsibilities. Then all of a sudden everything had to be transfer over onto Stacey. And her and I were just talking about this, you know, a year ago today. We would not have been able to go through what we just went through flat out, just for the driving aspect alone. As we were having that conversation today, I think that's what really prompted what we wanted to focus our episode on now is the wins. We talk a lot about OCD, we talk a lot about the challenges, the struggles, we talk about ERP, the exposures, what it takes, the it committing to exhaustion, we talk about all these different things and knowing that OCD is something that exists in me today and tomorrow and next week and last year, et cetera. But there are wins along the way. And our therapy journey proves that. And this last six days went above and beyond in proving that. And I'm so humbled and honored that he'd give me a shout out there because I feel like it's about damn time. And I kind of thought to myself over these last six days how I feel like I've really stepped into who I am now. And I've stepped into someone who is comfortable in their own body with their own voice. most of the time in their own head, although I get a little caught in my head, as we all know, those of us who have OCD do. but I thought to myself, yeah, I should have been doing this a long time ago. But my OCD was really preventing me from being able to to do that. And so I had to to do everything because not only did Mark go down and had surgery and had to have a recovery period, but of course this was the weekend our our daughter Avery, you all know she's in high school now and she had her very first homecoming weekend. And so that meant a homecoming football game and a homecoming dance and a sleepover with a friend and lots of other different things, shopping for shoes, et cetera. And had this occurred last year, as Mark mentioned, I don't think she would have been able to go to any of those events. I I will tell you this, what would have happened is she would have been told no. She we would have called her out of school every single day. Mm-hmm. She would have been just at home because of your fears of driving. Just the fears of driving alone. Just the driving alone. Just the the the compulsions I used to have to do, the the loops, the thought loops I'd get caught into while I was driving, all of those things set me back, set my driving back. Y'all know this, this is part of our journey. I've just started regularly driving again, for the first time in about about six months ago or so. Yeah. And it's been going well. And I've been really enjoying it and really getting back behind the wheel and and feeling more confident than I've ever felt. And I jokingly said to both our therapist and to Mark too that I have done more driving in the last forty eight hours than I have in the last forty eight years of my life combined. This weekend was a big there and here and everywhere. And I really embraced it. And I never felt overwhelmed. I never felt panicked. I never felt stress or anxiety really. I just really leaned into it. My daughter was excited. Our daughter was excited to go to the dance, and I was excited for her. So we did all the things. We did all the pre shopping. We did all the the pre activity. We did, I got her everywhere she needed to go. took care of getting medications, taking care of getting food, taking care of everything. I mean, and and to give a shout out to Mark, I mean, he's the rock of our family. He is the absolute he keeps our family together and running and has been for so many years. And and we've talked about that too, that I really took a back seat a lot of the time because of the thought loops and the compulsions and the fears, etc. And now that I see Past that point. And have had these last few days. Well, you were able to enjoy homecoming with her. I was. As a mom? Yes. Definitely that. No, I I missed all of it, which was I mean, I couldn't even really see the pictures. You know, I still had my good left eye, but you know, I'm I'm laying in a room face down. Well, and you're post surgery, so you're out of your groggy. You know, they they do put you under anesthesia for the first part of the procedure, which is to numb up your eye, but then you're awake for the actual procedure itself, which is very enjoyable, everybody, to be able to sit there and talk to your doctor about everything that's going on. Like she has a freshman in college too. And like holy children. So much we learn about our the surgeon while she's actually in your eye, up in your It's like, okay, you can just sit here and have a conversation with somebody while they're doing this stuff. But modern medicine is crazy. You know, they can do that stuff for somebody's eye. Right. But like O C D is something that's not you can't see it. Sure. And it takes so many different forms and so many different ways in people's lives that it affects them. It's hard to To know what's O C D even. Yeah. It is. That's why it's one of the most misunderstood. It's one of the more misconceptualized. you know, so even even to the point to the all the stuff at home. Ugh y'all. I had to take over all the the household chores. Now I I'm big, you know me? I I I clean, I organize, I'm big on that. I love that. Give me that any day of the week I'm there. But the other stuff, I gotta the the taking the trash out, the trash cans out for trash day, the the Taking care of the dogs, taking care of the cats, like being the the person who's doing a lot of that other work that up until that time Mark has taken and done. I really was, I have to say, there's a lot of things that I would have shied away from too, because it was like, well, I don't want to make a mistake. What if I do something wrong? And then of course, there comes the the thought loop, right? Because as I've mentioned in previous podcasts, I'm always thinking about. Did I do something wrong or am I going to do something wrong? And so there's a lot of just household jobs too that I've really shied away from and not done. And I knew I had to step up and just muscle it through and do it. Like feeding the wild child. Ugh. Y'all, Australian Shepherds, man. I don't know. I don't know what that I don't know what it is about that breed. It's they're they're wild animals. It's it's Crazy. But you love him. I do love him. But yeah, he's he's you can have him back now that you're feeling better. But I've had I had to step up and do all of that. And and again, in my head, as I'm pulling out the trash can the other night and putting it on the curb, I go, Yep, about damn time. I should have been doing this a long time ago. And I wasn't. And that's on me, and that's on my very misunderstood mental health. as it were for so many years? As something as simple as the lock on the gate. Yeah. Like you thought I locked them locked it every time I pulled the trash cans out, I would go back and relock that lock. Yeah. No, I just set it up on top of the wall. That makes me so uncomfortable. Because what if, right? What if something were to happen? And you question- So now there it is. I'm in another thought loop. What if And I wasn't in any place. Can someone break into our house? Can someone come and steal everything from our backyard? I don't I don't know. Like what if what are they gonna take? I have no idea. It's it's probably a good thing we don't keep much back there. But my point is, and you to your point, is that the what ifs, the did I do something wrong, the thought loops, the compulsions, man, I realized over the last few days too how much that has stolen from my life and I had to step up and really do something this time. And this guy doesn't go down very much. He's he's our steady eddy guy. And this one took me down. And this one and and and had we been stuck where there was no driving, there was no ability to leave the house, there's no I mean, I don't know what we would have done. No, I know. And and we relied on my mom a little bit to help out and she was willing to do that. Like she took me to the day of surgery because it was gonna be a two and a half, two hour procedure, which ended up being a two and a half hour procedure. Yeah. Because you were still you still had to work. Yeah. And she's retired so she could do it. And you know, even today bringing me to a post op appointment, you know, and it fell right within within your work day. But she was very happy to do that. Well, and it was great to rely somewhat on your mom. We needed that support. But I just can't imagine. We wouldn't have been able to rely on her for everything. Right. And she lives minutes away from In our eight day in our age and stage in life, I can't imagine having to rely on someone so fully and not be able to do anything for myself. Like even go grab some food for everyone or grab Mark's medication that he needed or get my daughter to school or to the homecoming dance, etcetera. Like How I would have felt having to depend on someone else. I would have felt so so helpless, so useless. And I think that's where OCD kept me for so many years, too. And I hate that. And I know this is not a cop topic of conversation that we like to talk about either, but like, you know, what would happen if I were to pass away? Ew. Why are we talking about that? Well, I I know that, but you would be in that position until you were to Maybe find somebody, but you gotta wait. I'm remarrying really fast. No, no. No. Hell no. I am remarrying so fast. You don't even know. It's fine. I love you, babe, but no. I am not taking the trash out to the curb for the rest of my years. I can tell you that much. Why do you want to get married? Because I need you to take the trash out for me every f Monday night and wheel it back in Tuesday. You can live in this house with me, but you gotta take the trash out. That's gonna capture a guy really quick. I think that's a good deal. Come on now. Free room and board. Just take out the damn trash. And take care of the Australian and feed the dog because he is a wild animal. But I'm so glad that we could rely on ourselves, that I could rely on myself for the first time ever, which is saying a lot at 48 years old, and it's not that pleasant a thought to think about. But I r could rely on myself to get our family what and where they needed to be. And I will tell you this that I would never I would not have sat in this position feeling so comfortable. going through the surgery if I knew you weren't in that spot. Yeah. Like I would have that would have been one of my worries is Absolutely. Okay, what are we gonna do with the kids? What are we gonna you know? Obviously, miles off college, not a big deal. Are we gonna have to rely on him? You know, to Yeah. You know, what what could work within his schedule? Okay, is Ari just gonna have to stay home from school for seven days because that's what I ended up taking off of work? Yep. You know, what what are we having to you know what what how is it gonna impact her life to where you can still maintain And then maintaining that even would have been, are you okay with me going under? You know, because the first surgery I had, you had a little bit of an issue with me going under. What if you had I don't come out of, you know, out alive, but you also had it you you've kind of feel felt used to feel that way about like your colonoscopy and stuff. yeah. Well, I mean, now we've we now we've established all remarry, so we're we're good. We're good. Don't worry everybody. Send her an email with a bio. Don't forget our Instagram every way, you know. Shoot your shot. Connect with her. No, I do think that I I don't know if you if something were to ever have happened to you, if we were talking about this a year ago, I would be up a creek. I don't know what I would do. I mean, not only would I be grieving the loss of my husband, my best friend, my partner, but I would be See, I know So you know he's gonna be the best friend. But I I would be also completely overwhelmed with how to take care of myself, our family, et cetera. And now I don't worry about that as much anymore. And nor do you. No. Which is for our family and for myself as someone who has OCD is about one of the biggest wins we've had in a while. And so that's why we wanted to talk about this during this episode, is that sometimes It's a win. It's and a good thing. It's it's a really good thing on the win. Yeah. You know, that's something that we have to celebrate and not forget. No, it should be yet should definitely be acknowledged. The small wins along the way are what make the big ones even greater. Well, yes. And it's what makes the struggles and the challenges easier to accept too. Because you realize, no, I haven't stepped all the way back. So I'll give myself some grace if I've had a challenging day or if I allowed myself to feed into OCD where I shouldn't have or I didn't want to. I'll give myself some grace because man, do you remember last weekend? That was a big win. I really stepped up and did some things that were hard and and had some things that were major exposures. I drove at night by myself. That was an exposure for me right there in and of itself. And And the nice thing, like you we had plans for picking her up from homecoming and picking her up from the dance and stuff. We did. her friend the her friend, the family was was super nice and you had told them about my yes surgeon. They're like, my god, you need to be staying home with him. You know, we'll pick up the girls and we'll take care of it was very nice. You know, they they jumped in and yeah. But you were willing to do it. But I was willing to do yes. And I would push it off. No. And I would have done it. And when Avery needed something the night after that, and it was late at night, I got right into the car and I drove where we needed to go and got it taken care of and came back home. I didn't overthink it. I didn't get caught in any sort of loop. I really feel pretty good about myself right about now, if I can say that out loud, because I don't have many moments where I have felt like I have actually been. the caretaker that I have been the one to make sure everyone is all right. And that is a to repay that to you is I can't even tell you how much that means to me. To have been able to repay that to you given how much you have done for me and how often you have taken care of me and our family. Well thank you. It means a lot to me to be able to give it And and I and I appreciated that you were able to jump in and do all of that stuff too without that level of worry for me either. Like I knew I didn't have to worry about it. It wasn't a worry. And honestly, that makes me feel so good that you didn't worry about the other shoe dropping or my god, what's gonna happen if she panics? Or because that's not how I want us to live our life anymore either. That's not how I want our marriage to go, certainly not our family. So on the driving battery scale, like how full is your driving battery? How full is it right now? Yeah. Dude, I need like a week off. I swear. I can't no. I don't want to drive right now. But I have driven so much lately. And it is I feel so good. I feel more confident behind the wheel than I've ever felt in all my years. You feel good, but it's taxing. it's taxing. The the driving back and forth certainly is taxing. And I can understand and relate to people now who have that moment of, man, I've been driving a lot and I need a I need a moment. And I'd never experienced that really for myself and I have now. But yeah, I need I need some time off from driving. I wouldn't mind a a take to the bed kind of day or a weekend this next weekend, I'll tell you that much. But Well, I think our daughter will have a weekend like that to where she'll wanna Yeah. Yeah. Take to the I agree. Take to the bed is what we like to call it. It's kind of a relaxing weekend because she had a big one. That's my and her social battery is is is waning. Yes. No, the it's my shout out to Leanne Morgan, who's one of my favorite comedians, who has donned the phrase take to the bed. And it's a good one. And I love it and we use it often in our house. So that's what I need now. So everybody, we want you to thank you for living uncertain with us. And we just kind of wanted to give you a recap of the win for the week. Cause this for me, everybody, was probably one of the biggest wins that I have experienced with her OCD. Now I we've experienced a lot of wins, don't get me wrong. But knowing that I was going down and I was going to be down for several, several days, and knowing that things were still operating smoothly. Not the same way that we both operate, but just smoothly was the biggest win that I could have experienced right now. So that makes me feel good. You should. Well, I'm very happy. And it's important to to acknowledge the wins, like we said. And sometimes O C D gives you the big well, I shouldn't say O C D gives you the big win. You get the big win over fight with O C D and sometimes you win and that's something to be Celebrated. And that was this past weekend. Yeah. Just like we keep it very authentic and in real time, what's going on with us and our family. That was our big our big win for this week. Now I got a couple of days to recoup and if I go back to work on Monday and gotta hard charge it and you know, I'm starting to get buried in emails, but I'll get out of that. You'll be all right. So once again everybody, we want to thank you for living uncertain with us. Thank you for listening. We're so grateful for this community and so excited for what's to come. And we're we're loving watching it grow too. Absolutely. We're seeing more and more people listen. And you know, so if you do have somebody that has experienced OCD and just just share an episode with them that, you know, you kind of go, yeah, that that kind of falls in line with with me. Or I think somebody would like to hear that. Share the episode with them so that they can hear kind of our journey too. And because our whole thing is to Yeah, support out there for other people. 100%. And and let people know that they're not alone. Absolutely. And when we're all here together. Thank you. Till next time, everyone. Thank you for joining us on today's episode and Living Uncertain with us. We are not therapists and this podcast is intended to provide information and support. It should not replace traditional means of seeking help from a licensed mental health professional. If you like this episode or would like to hear more, please like, subscribe or share with someone you think may benefit. Here at Living Uncertain, we're building a community of support. If you and your significant other would like to share your story, we would love to have you on the podcast. Please click on the link in the episode description and fill out the interest form.