Latest / The Rochelle Christiane Podcast / 251. A Conversation on Conscious Dating with Krista Williams

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251. A Conversation on Conscious Dating with Krista Williams · The Rochelle Christiane Podcast

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Rochelle Christian podcast, formerly the Emotional Mastery podcast.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: I'm Rochelle, your host.
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: I'm here to help you come back to your body, take charge of your emotions and live life on your terms.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: This podcast is a space for raw, real conversations about what it means to trust yourself, lean into your power and create a life that feels aligned and alive.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: We'll explore human design, astrology and other tools to help you understand your unique energy.
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: More importantly, though, we're going to talk about what it means to actually live and embody these aspects.
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: So each week, I'm going to share stories, lessons, guidance to help you navigate life's challenges and really own your magic.
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: So if you're ready to step up, take control and show up as the most authentic version of you, let's begin.
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: Welcome to another episode on the podcast.
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: Today I have Krista Williams on, and I am obsessed with this episode.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: We recorded this about a month ago and their newest book just came out yesterday, june 3rd, so if you have not gotten it, head down to the show notes and grab their book.
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: But this conversation is really centered around dating, our dating experiences, and, as always with this podcast episode, there's so much divine timing in editing and putting it out, and Krista just brings so much beautiful wisdom perspective around dating, around setting intentions and doing karmic work and allowing things to be fun.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: And I think that in reflection, I started their book in the first you know couple chapters on the Saturn return and for me, I have Saturn in my fifth house and if you're familiar with astrology, the fifth house is fun play dating and with Saturn there it always makes it a little bit serious.
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: So I've always taken dating like very seriously and it's a reminder to like lighten up, it's a reminder to feel empowered.
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: It's a reminder that, like, I get to choose, I'm not just sitting here waiting or whatever.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: I think I've been very disempowered or I've allowed myself to be disempowered a lot in dating in my past and so just reminding myself that I am empowered, I get to choose, I get to show up, I get to do the work, I get to have fun, all those things.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: So I don't really have.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: We talk a lot about a certain dating situation that I had last month.
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: In this episode I don't really have an update for you Because today I've been just super raw and emotional.
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: My kids are out of town and I think when they they're gone and I'm just kind of hanging around, there's the loneliness creeps in and there's just been a lot of shit coming up today.
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: So I'm not even going to pretend to give you an update or have anything real, because I don't think it would be a true reflection of anything that I'm actually moving through in the moment.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: Just more lessons on emotions, more lessons on moving through things and showing up for ourselves and doing the work and you know we talk about that in this conversation about doing the work, while dating during the work in a relationship, doing the work solo and single and every way that we do the work is so important.
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: We also talk about dating and you're feminine and with intention, dating in your 30s self sabotage, which is huge for me personally, I always face this male and female friendships and how they can help be expanders for us, experiencing desire, which is huge.
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: And we talked about dating dismissive, avoidant attachment styles and I so appreciate this conversation because Krista talks about how she has dated a lot of dismissive, avoidant attachment styles and I also have done this a lot in my past which is always a mirror, right?
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: People that we bring into our lives are always mirrors for us, and so if we're constantly calling in dismissive attachment.
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: We kind of have to ask ourselves, like, where am I putting out that frequency to?
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: And so I've noticed that myself.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: I've really had to get clear and honest with myself over the last few years of just like, where am I actually being dismissive?
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: Where am I not showing up?
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: Where am I just letting things lie, maybe, and not being vulnerable and honest and real?
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: And I think that can be such a hard part of dating.
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: It can be such a hard part of like the relationship dynamic, because when we're entering or we're just like meeting somebody, it's like being vulnerable is scary and also, if we're not vulnerable, I think we're missing a huge piece of the whole dating experience.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: And so, yeah, just so much has been coming up.
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: And again, this conversation was really, really beautiful.
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: I really loved it.
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: Again, divine timing on like when it comes out and what I'm going through.
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: It's just a really beautiful reminder just to like have fun right.
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: Like I get to do this, I get to heal myself, I get to date, I get to experience different men and different experiences and different opportunities and I get to like do this with honesty and integrity and all the things.
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: And again, it's always going to be a mirror of our deep work, of what is, of what is going on in us and how, you know, we can show up for ourselves and heal that wounded part of ourselves.
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: So check out the book that they just released.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: I'll have the link down below.
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: Follow Krista on Instagram if you're not already at itskrista, and then head over and check me out.
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: Follow me at rochellechristiane.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: That's r-o-c-h-e-l-l-e, dot c-h-r-i-s-t-i-a-n-e.
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: I also am in the process of putting out Holistic Human Design Academy.
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: It's available for the whole course, but I am actually putting out Human Design 101 as a solo program that you can purchase for self-study.
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: So you can head over to my website, rochellechristiancom, go to offers and just click on that Human Design and Astrology 101.
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: And that's going to be everything you need to know to set the foundations of human design and astrology.
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: If that's where you're at in your experience.
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: I thank you so much for being here, as always, and I will talk to you soon.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: Well, welcome to the podcast.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: Today I have Krista Williams and I'm so excited to have you solo on the podcast.
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: I had you and Lindsay on in 2021, I think Actually, it's kind of interesting this little journal I got when I first started like really getting serious about the podcast, and my very first entry was my interview.
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: You can't see it, it's blurred out, but almost 30 interview was the first one I had in here and I'm closing out, you're the last one, so it's kind of perfect.
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: What were the questions?
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, I was so nervous too.
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: It was like, you're probably like how did you start?
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: a podcast I have.
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: What are your daily routines?
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: What keeps you grounded?
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: What's your most memorable interview?
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: What's your relationship with your emotions?
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: I try to be creative.
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: Those were good, great questions.
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: Those would be normal today.
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: You know it's so funny to even think about for me cause I'm like what would me in 2021 say?
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: You know it's podcasting and being someone that's been recorded over the years since 2016,.
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: You know, for 10 years I've been recorded.
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: I have this like log of history of information about me.
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: It's kind of scary if you think about it.
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: To go back and like look at all of it, I can imagine, oh yeah.
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: I'm like, what did I say then?
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: And you know what I think the scariest and weirdest part is is that so I was in a long-term relationship for 10 years before the podcast and then through the podcast and I got, we broke up like two years ago and you know it, just when it's right, it's right and I just I felt like I knew and I did know at the time.
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: You know, I'm not like negating my truth and my journey of it, because he was very much a soulmate of mine, but it was like just funny that I was like given like relationship advice and like little did I know that like I was not in the place to be giving relationship advice.
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: But I think we're speaking from our own experience, right, and that's also really important too.
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: So I think that's it's a beautiful thing to like also to have that documented, to like go back and be like, oh wow, look what I was going through back then.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: I don't know, I think it's one of the cool things I mean, you know with my kids, like maybe they'll listen to it one day, and it's just yeah, mom's crazy dude, yeah yeah, so I was going to have start and have you introduce yourself, but you just like mentioned relationships, and so one of the questions that I had for you today was like what has it been like to be single and like dating in this era of your life?
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: In like thirties?
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: I've been single for like seven, going on eight years, so like it's such an interesting, I feel like an age to be dating too and just what's going on collectively everything.
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: So I'd be just curious to see like what you've learned or what you feel like lessons are coming at you.
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: This is the only thing I want to talk about.
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: So I'm so great.
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: Everyone else will be like oh, tell me about you know how do I meet my soul?
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: And I'm like let's talk about dating, just because it's so new and fresh for me.
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: So I um.
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: So first of all, my name's Krista.
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: I'm a co-host of Almost 30.
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: I'm a teacher, healer, coach.
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: I live in Los Angeles and I was married.
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: So I was together with my ex for 10 years.
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: Before that I was in a year relationship.
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: Before that I was in a five-year relationship.
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: I've been in relationships since I was 15.
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: So it was kind of my drug, it was kind of my natural way of being was to be in partnership and to always be constantly clocking who I was against someone and against my partner.
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: So it deeply impacted the person that I am today.
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: And to go from that deep relationship of 10 years to being single was quite the transition, you know, and I will say that it was a beautiful transition.
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: I did a lot of the healing in the relationship.
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: So when we broke up I actually felt free and I felt really, really good.
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: I took a year off completely from dating and from meeting anyone else just to heal and recalibrate.
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: Only are you in the relationship but you're in their energy field.
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: So you're constantly clocking your energy to their energy and your field to their field.
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: What you believe to their like, your psychic thoughts are in their thoughts.
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: It's just deep, deep connection.
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: So I had to come back home to myself in that year and really discover who I was, what I liked, what I didn't like, what I felt about something.
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: I had to refine my voice, I had to reclaim my body, all of that kind of stuff.
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: So that was the first year.
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: And then after that, I knew I wanted to start dating when I went to Europe, because I was just like, let's do this.
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: And so I had my retreat.
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: I have retreats every year.
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: I go to Europe.
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: In the fall for my retreats, I have one in Switzerland this year and then one in Ibiza and I was like, okay, I'm going to get on the apps when I go to Europe.
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: So I started dating on the apps.
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: When I was in Europe I met some people you know had really great connections and I think what I realized, and what I realized throughout this process of dating, is I was just meeting people where my frequency was and as I've evolved and grown, I've met better and better men higher caliber of men, more available men, more kind men, more loving men and it has been such a learning process.
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: For me, relationship is the deepest portal for transformation for me.
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: I love to be in relationship, but I would say dating has shown me all of the places that I still need healing me, all of the places that I still need healing, all of the places where I still need to love myself, all of the places where I negotiate my authenticity for attachment.
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: It shows me where I lose my voice for approval.
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: It shows me where I could deepen my relationship with myself and my truth and it's been really, really powerful on that side of the healing part of all the places where I'm like I'm not there yet.
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: And then it's also really showed me all these beautiful aspects of me and my femininity.
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: I was in my relationship for a long time and I would say in that relationship I was more in my masculine.
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: I would say in my business early on I was more in my masculine and now dating, it's been so beautiful to be in my feminine, to have cultivated my feminine on my own and then be in my feminine with men now, and I never thought I'd have that chance in life and I never thought that would be a part of my experience because I thought I'd be with my partner forever.
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: So now to have this really beautiful opportunity to feel what it feels like to be in my lover archetype or in my queen archetype or in these different like versions of me that are just so fun and can get turned on and experienced when I'm in dating.
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: And so it's the range of it, it's the full gamut of it, it's the pain, it's the beauty of it, it's the full gamut of it, it's the pain, it's the beauty, it's the process.
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: But I would say, overall, I'm having so much fun because I determined and decided and this is the last thing before I started dating that I was going to have fun.
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: I was like, no matter what, I'm going to make every situation positive.
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: And that sounds like I'm bypassing.
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: I'm not.
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: I'm meeting every moment of the work, but I just committed.
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: I was like, even if I'm getting ghosted, it's going to be funny to me and I'm going to laugh and I'm going to be like oh, he liked me too much, so he ghosted me Like whatever, and just like, I just make it playful and I make it interesting and I trust, I think that I deeply in every cell of my body, know that I'm going to be with the man of my dreams and the man that is meant to be the father of my children, and that I know that's a faded on my path.
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: So this process I can enjoy because I know that's coming so much.
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: And I wish for every woman to enjoy the process, to have lightness with the process, to see themselves as the prize to be able to be in their feminine, to experience the beauty of what it is to be a woman and to deeply trust that what they have coming for them won't miss them.
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: I love that and I mean just as like a listener for years, like seeing I feel like you are very conscious right Of like your emotional experience, like entering into these situations.
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: I know for me for a long time it was like I took it so seriously, right, and like I think that it's like you said, it's always a mirror and you know that kind of evolution of where you start and like the men that you meet, that being a reflection of you and where you've come.
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: And I I've noticed from my journey every man that I meet, current, like now is just, it just gets keeps getting elevated.
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: The level of respect.
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: The last date I went on I like called my friend, I was like I didn't know that men could be so kind and respectful and like appreciative and caring like whoa.
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: But then, right, that's that reflection and it's it gets to be fun, but like I like that you acknowledge that sometimes there's a lot of pain in it too it is hard to face those like sides of ourselves that like hold trauma or insecurities, and it's just like it can be really challenging.
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I love that you said that about that man, because you know there's a lot of narrative and conversation around men today.
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: That's really negative and you know, I do believe that men are struggling and men are in need of more love and more work and more time and more care and more attention.
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: But I also believe that there are really good men out there that are amazing and deep and spiritual and loving, and I just don't see us as I see us, as different.
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: I definitely believe that men and women are very different, but I also see us as very, very the same.
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: We all want to be loved, we all want to be seen.
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: We all want to be seen.
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: We all want to be respected, we all want to be adored.
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: We all want to be these very basic things, and I think there are so many amazing men in the world that I've met in the process.
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: A lot of them are none of them are my man.
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: But it's like when we can have that frame like you're talking about, where you meet this man and you call your friend and you're like he is such an amazing, kind man, like wow, you know that's the, and then metabolizing it like this is normal, this is so normal for me to be respected and loved and adored by men.
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: Then you can just continue to have even better experiences until you get to the experience where you're with the person that eventually you know is your partner for however long, but is the person that you feel like is your soul home.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah.
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: And it's like that lesson of um, like obviously not attachment Cause, like I did have a moment after that day where I had like self-sabotage myself a little bit, where I just got my ego was like I don't, like I want to be done, I've been sitting for so long, right, and then I, like you were like is he the one, or what was your?
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: thing, Well, yeah, cause it was like every single thing that he like showed up, as was everything I've written down that I want in a partner.
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: So, of course, then everything in me was like got all excited.
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: But what I learned from that and I'm still talking to this person, but I've, I've relaxed a little bit, but it was what I've learned is, like I just that reflection of like it, like it's possible, like the things that you're wanting, whether it's the one or not, it's just like, like you said, it's elevated, that perspective, that mindset of like oh, it's, it is possible, it is out there, yeah, and that's what you know and that's I've, I've, I've had to do that, I've had to check myself so much because the heart, you know, will open and find someone that we are interested in and we're excited about.
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: And then the mind is like okay, now, now, if they do this, that means they like me, if they don't do this, that means they don't like me.
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: And now we have to do this.
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: And now it's like, and it's like whoa, and I think it's beautiful.
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: Dating when you're older, I've, I love it.
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: I love dating as myself.
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: I love dating with boundaries.
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: I love dating with standards.
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: I love dating with pleasure in mind.
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: I love dating with my, you know, feminine, whatever.
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: But you also have so much more guard and you have so much more protection and so, as much as you have your highest self present and choosing, you also have so much protection and it just you have to meet your fear way more, because you're way more scared, because you've been hurt more in your life.
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: So it's powerful that you're noticing that and you know that you're kind of clocking it, because also, if this is your person and in 10 years you're going to be like damn, I wish I would have just had fun and, like you know, I keep with every man.
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: I'm like, oh, if this is my man.
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: I want to literally just savor every single step of our falling in love and our story and our journey.
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: And I don't want to rush it and I want to be here as long as we can Because I think you know when you're scared, you want to like lock it in, you want to get married, you want to find the answer, you want to find out where you're going, you want to like figure it all out, but it's like actually the dance is like the most fun.
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's been a huge lesson, is exactly what you said.
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: Like just like, because I think my go-to is always like I need it now, it needs to happen now.
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: I've been waiting, like you know, but it's.
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: It has been this slow like nothing.
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: That's going to happen right now, in this moment, out of this, energy is going to be sustainable 100%.
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: And what's the energy you're bringing in is fear.
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: Oh, yeah, for sure, if you want love, you can't bring fear in.
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: And I'm not saying that I'm perfect, you know what I mean, but I just have continued to lean and that's also the over-functioning.
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: Is that wounded feminine.
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: The over-functioning is the wounded feminine, and I no longer am available to be in the wounded feminine with any man, because the wounded feminine is like okay, whoa, I like him.
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: Okay, when is our next date?
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: Okay, what are we going here?
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: Okay, can you make a plan?
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: Okay, so we're going to do this.
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: Okay, I don't like, when you talk, do this, I don't let let it all breathe.
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: Like, let him breathe, let him step in.
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: Like, let him lead, let him be present, let him be a participant, trust his instincts, trust his timing, trust his guidance.
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: You know, I I think we just kind of are over-functioning and fear just really shuts down and I'm not saying this about you at all, I'm just saying in general really shuts down the masculine and we want a masculine man that's going to be present and clear and all these things.
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: But then when they kind of try to show up, we're like no, you have to do it faster, yeah, I'm excited for you.
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: Thanks, me too.
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that that that dynamic um with the masculine and feminine, is very interesting, right, cause I think we're a society more so now of like women who are more in the masculine.
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: I mean, that's always been and I think it's always not always not for everybody, but for most people I think that's always been what's valued growing up, because I know I was always like that too, but like even the little things of allowing somebody to like open the door for me, that was so hard at first.
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: Right, because I'm just like, I can do Like, why are you doing it Right?
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: But then you learn to like, and so it is this beautiful shift of like letting him do things right and like allowing him to take over, cause, like you said, the masculine like wants to be in that space.
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: It's like that provider energy, and I think back to like your point earlier there are so many men out there that are truly amazing, but again, that wounded version of like the feminine and masculine don't allow it to be seen and appreciated, right, and I think that's what's so beautiful.
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: It's like you can see that and appreciate it.
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: It's just like completely changes the dynamic.
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think women are so powerful, we're so capable, we're so strong, we can do it all.
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: We can, you know, watch the kids and be attuned to the husband and be working our jobs and be a friend and be a good sister and be a good aunt Like we just can do everything.
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: And men are incredible.
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: It's nothing about men, but I think our capacity has really just kind of suffocated men and really not allowed them to step into where they can lead in our life and where they can support.
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: And so the more that we can soften into being helped and the more that we can receive, because so many women are burnt out and desperate for help, desperate for support, desperate for, you know, a partner.
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: And I do believe men need to step up, for sure, one hundred percent, I'm not saying that, but I do believe we as women can really take responsibility and allowing and creating a space and environment where the man can lead and step in and be respected and adored and loved for all the care that they can provide.
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: And if we want to create a safe container for the masculine to step up, we have to first create a safe container for ourselves to be in our feminine and both the masculine to step up, we have to first create a safe container for ourselves to be in our feminine, and both the masculine frame and the feminine frame and its healthiest versions only exist with safety.
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: The reason why women are more in their masculine is because we are not safe.
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: We are not in relationships with men that make us feel safe, we are not in systems that make us feel safe, we are not safe in the environments that we're in.
• 21:46
  Speaker 2: And a lot of men are not in their masculine.
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: They're more in their feminine because they don't feel safe.
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: So they're trying to receive love, being in like a wounded kind of feminine state.
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: So by creating safety within ourselves, within our system, within our, you know, internal landscape, is the way that we can create that more balanced, harmonious relationship between our masculine and feminine and the more we can cultivate that in our partners as well.
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, that's so important.
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: When you so you said that you had done like a lot of the work, like within your relationship, as far as like this kind of masculine feminine dynamics or like the safety work, or was that something that you had to reframe a little bit, when you took a little bit of time off, like after, before you started dating?
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: So I did a lot of the work in.
• 22:32
  Speaker 2: We did some workshops together, him and I, on some masculine feminine relationship dynamics and stuff by people like John Wineland, which were really good.
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: I've read a lot of John Wineland's work, david Data's work, alison Armstrong's work really really powerful, really love that work, david Data's work, alison Armstrong's work really really powerful, really love that.
• 22:49
  Speaker 2: And then I actually did a lot of my own work after.
• 22:53
  Speaker 2: So an example of that was I went to this week-long retreat with this feminine embodiment teacher.
• 22:56
  Speaker 2: She's like a pleasure and intimacy coach and I paid for her to work with me one-on-one for a week and in this week we worked on pleasure and intimacy.
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: I worked on my feminine, I worked on my masculine, and so we both sort of played in the dynamics of what it feels like for me to be fully surrendered to my feminine and then fully surrendered to my masculine and like how that interplays with each other.
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: So it was really this like week-long immersion where I was able to really embody the energies and understand the energies from an embodiment perspective versus just the mind, because I think a lot of people can understand what I'm talking about from a mind perspective and can kind of like you know, speak to it in that way, but now in my body I'm able to like drop into my masculine fully and I'm able to drop into my feminine fully and, especially with men, I'm able to be in this really beautiful place of like a surrendered feminine that can cultivate and call forward a man's masculine without him even knowing.
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: And so there's a lot of like somatic work there.
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: It's a lot of Tantra, it's a lot of Tao, it's a lot of um, um, it's like Eastern type tradition stuff that I did at this immersion.
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: And for anyone that wants to kind of deepen and cultivate this work, I think Alison Armstrong, John Wineland, david Data is really powerful to read and then even just like practicing, being in your own energy and meditation, cultivating and just calling forth your feminine, feeling what that energy feels like, feeling how it wants to move, and then kind of switching to the masculine, seeing what that feels like, seeing how it wants to move, and then kind of switching to the masculine, seeing what that feels like, seeing how it wants to move, and just trusting yourself and playing with it.
• 24:30
  Speaker 2: It can be a dance, it can be an exploration.
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: It doesn't have to be right, it doesn't have to be wrong because, importantly, lastly, I think for all of us, my balance, my perfect balance between feminine and masculine, looks different than yours.
• 24:43
  Speaker 2: You may have more feminine and I may have more masculine.
• 24:47
  Speaker 2: I may have more masculine, you may have more feminine, whatever you know.
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: So it's like we all are kind of like a different range and gauge and I think if we're comparing ourselves to someone else all the time, we might not be following the right path.
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: So it's really good for us to tune into ourselves and see what feels good for us, naturally, what feels good for us in relationship.
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: How can we play with, sort of, the energies in our lives?
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I love that.
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: I think that, for sure, the somatic work is so important because there is such a disconnect oftentimes from our logical, like thinking mind and then our body, and that was something I was thinking about even like yesterday and today.
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: It's like sometimes the mind can be like so logical and so reasonable and everything can make sense.
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: And then I have had that thought where I'm like man, my body is so abandoning me right now, but it's just hold it.
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: It's like bringing up my trauma or my fears and my nerves in my mind.
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: I'm like why am I nervous or why am I feeling like this?
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: Right, and so I think, like acknowledging that and coming in, and I love the, the um, the books and the references you gave too, because it's so helpful to.
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: I mean, just a book is such a beautiful expander as far as, like an individual, you know whether you can go to a retreat or not.
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: I think just having that in your hand and coming into that space is so powerful.
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: But yeah, I think that I love that you mentioned that, because that's, I think, such an important piece of the work, because, like now, even when I feel that way, I just have to like speak out loud and be like I acknowledge that my body is nervous right now and I'm not going to let it, or I try not to say negatives, because I noticed, yeah, yeah, yeah, and you're like, and I'm going to punish it.
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, last week, when I went on that date afterwards, I'm like I literally kept telling myself I'm like I'm not going to bring my trauma in here, I'm not going to put it on this man, and then like, of course, that's what I did, cause my mind didn't hear like the negatives.
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: That was a huge wake up call.
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: I was like, okay, really be intentional, more intentional about how I say things.
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: Okay, so did you so?
• 26:34
  Speaker 2: Meaning you over?
• 26:35
  Speaker 2: You felt like you overshared, or what what's?
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: going to be pulled out from under me and my body gets really frantic and my mind starts spinning and so I've done a lot of work about coming into my body.
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: But I felt that coming and things were going really well and I wanted to have a conversation too early.
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: That wasn't appropriate, but actually the emotional experience wasn't appropriate to the situation and I kept telling myself just let it go, don't say anything, don't say anything.
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: Of course it just got overwhelming.
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: I said something and it just completely it did what I knew it was going to do.
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: And I think that was probably me self-sabotaging and like I'm not that part of me that was afraid of something being good.
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: I think those little parts that you know.
• 27:20
  Speaker 2: So you know, oftentimes it's like could be a little part of us.
• 27:24
  Speaker 2: That's like going to see you know.
• 27:26
  Speaker 2: Oftentimes it's like could be a little part of us.
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: That's like going to see you know it's almost like protecting you.
• 27:29
  Speaker 2: It's like, hey, this happened to me.
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: Like are you cause someone that's you know unsafe is going to run or it can't handle, it is going to go?
• 27:38
  Speaker 2: So in a way it's sort of helpful Cause.
• 27:40
  Speaker 2: It's kind of like hey, this is what I've been through.
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: Can you hang or not?
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: It's obviously not.
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: It doesn't feel like it's ideal for you.
• 27:46
  Speaker 2: And what you're saying and what I'm reading and I think too, what can also happen is is that we're kind of looking for the love and validation and care that you could give that part of like.
• 27:58
  Speaker 2: You know this will never happen again because I know when to leave.
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: Like I want you to know part that like we will leave.
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: I know the signs.
• 28:07
  Speaker 2: Now I am different.
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: I am the one that will take us out and I'm the one that will leave.
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: And once she's safe and secure, she's not looking for someone else to like make sure that you guys are safe, because she knows she's with you.
• 28:19
  Speaker 2: She's like no, I know and trust her as my inner mother that we will leave if something happens and I don't even need to get validation from anyone else.
• 28:26
  Speaker 2: But otherwise it's like are you going to hurt me?
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: Are you going to hurt me?
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: And it makes so much sense that you would do that.
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: It's, it's so normal and I think it's actually, in a lot of ways for the right person, a really beautiful opportunity to be with you and to to know you more deeply.
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah for sure, and we kind of moved through that and again, I don't know what it's going to end up being or it's like still super early, but I think part of me needed to have that experience right, to be like this is a part of me and it might show up again, but like the fact that we could talk it out and have a conversation around it is telling so yeah, I mean that's, and I think too.
• 29:08
  Speaker 2: I think this is maybe just my experience in the world that I'm in, because I'm in so much depth that everything feels normal to me.
• 29:13
  Speaker 2: Like you know, if I hear about something, I'm like it's not like I'm normalizing or I'm cutting down what anyone says, but I'm like people have.
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: If you're being present and attuned to your life, you're aware of really traumatic things you've been through, and if you're not, then you're not aware of things.
• 29:32
  Speaker 2: You know what I mean.
• 29:32
  Speaker 2: I'm like I actually want to be with someone that's attuned and aware to things that they've been through and is able to be conscious about abuse or or neglect or all these things.
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: Because otherwise, if you're complete, if you're like no life has been good and perfect my whole life, I'm like that scares me.
• 29:46
  Speaker 2: You know, I'm like that's scary to me.
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: I love my life.
• 29:49
  Speaker 2: It's stunning and beautiful and I live better than I could have ever imagined, and I also recognize I've been through things in my life too.
• 29:57
  Speaker 2: So it's not like you have to hate your life, but I just think that people that have done the most work are aware of things that they've been through, and I think if we're people are truthful, I don't think anyone in life would say that their life has been perfect.
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, for sure.
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: I think we all have pain or things that we don't like about ourselves or don't want to face and, like you said, if you're not acknowledging that or seeing that, it's a little bit harder to maybe show up, or I guess it just wouldn't be a person maybe that you would attract.
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: Yes, totally A hundred percent.
• 30:25
  Speaker 2: And so how did he respond?
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: So in the moment, um cause this all happened like via text and it like shouldn't have happened via text.
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: I was just like in a weird thing.
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: Um.
• 30:35
  Speaker 2: So at first it was kind of like I would say that's a good indicator and I don't know if this to be true, and I'm not judging I'd say that's a great point because that could be a potential self-sabotage if it's done kind of in text or something.
• 30:50
  Speaker 2: Because if we, if we want true intimacy, we're going to be in person.
• 30:52
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, we're going to be like attuning to them, because then we're aware of how they're receiving it, how it's being processed, we're with them, we're there for the healing and it could.
• 31:02
  Speaker 2: You know, I think that's a great call and obviously you didn't do anything wrong at all.
• 31:05
  Speaker 2: But I'm just saying I'm like that's a great call out that you have.
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's why I think I was kind of like after the situation, like it was definitely aware, but yeah, I think in the moment it was like I don't want to say off-putting, but like he just needed to take.
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: But after the fact is, you know, like I said, we've talked about it, we're going to see each other, like next week, so I don't know what did he say.
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: So he said, basically reflected that you know, it had been just like one date that we had gone on and it was a conversation that maybe was a little bit too premature to be having, considering and the fact that it should be in person, like he kept saying he wanted to have it in person versus like via text, which is, you know, accurate, it's true, um, totally fine.
• 31:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I would always.
• 31:58
  Speaker 2: And you know, and I know we're not, we can not talk about.
• 31:59
  Speaker 2: I'm just like such a curious person.
• 32:00
  Speaker 2: I'm always like I would, you know, and the way that I always just like to move things is just with self-responsibility, accountability and lightness.
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: It's like, you know, like thank you so much for just handling that in the best way that you did.
• 32:11
  Speaker 2: Like I recognize that there was a part of me that felt really close to you and felt safe to you and I really loved our first date and I think a part of me was just kind of feeling vulnerable and feeling like I wanted to share something and just so, you know you're exactly right, we should have done that in person.
• 32:25
  Speaker 2: And next time I'll know, and you know that's pretty much the depths of it and I'm just appreciate how you were and just kind of clocking and recognizing and taking accountability and just bringing forward something in like a neutral way because you know you shouldn't feel shamed about what you did.
• 32:39
  Speaker 2: He handled it beautifully.
• 32:40
  Speaker 2: You have a second date.
• 32:41
  Speaker 2: Don't like shame spiral in it, because that's part of the pattern too is to do to say the thing and then shame spiral to have.
• 32:48
  Speaker 2: You know what I mean so just forgiving yourself and having lightness to it, and you know, inviting them in in a way is so nice.
• 32:58
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I definitely was like angry at myself that that day.
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: I was like why'd I do that?
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: I you know I sabotaged and all that kind of stuff.
• 33:05
  Speaker 1: But yeah, it's you know moving past it no it's exactly totally fine.
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah, um, how?
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: How much do you feel like?
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: This is something I think about like how much do you feel like your friendships, whether male or female, have helped you show up, I mean in any area of your life?
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: But since we're talking about dating specifically like dating, you know, showing up in dating as like that confident sort of like energy that you can approach it in the way that you do you know it's interesting with the male friends things is, I cause I was in relationship for so long and we started dating like a little after college.
• 33:40
  Speaker 2: I didn't really.
• 33:41
  Speaker 2: I kind of lost my male friends.
• 33:42
  Speaker 2: Um, I'm from the Midwest too, so and this could be just how I experienced the Midwest, but you didn't really have.
• 33:49
  Speaker 2: If you got married and had a family, you didn't really stay in relationship or friendship with women that weren't married or friends with your wife or whatever.
• 33:57
  Speaker 2: So I kind of lost all my male friends, or the male friends that I had, and I was friends with my husband's friends.
• 34:04
  Speaker 2: They were great, but it wasn't like a deep, intimate relationship.
• 34:06
  Speaker 2: And so when I became single again, I actually didn't have many guy friends.
• 34:10
  Speaker 2: I had a few gay guy friends, but I didn't have any heterosexual male friends.
• 34:15
  Speaker 2: And I actually started to open up my aperture to have male guy friends in the past couple months I would say the past five months and it's actually been instrumental to me in my dating process and in my process of being with men, because what I was doing before was I was meeting every man and I was like, hello, are you my husband, are you my like, are we going to date and I would just kind of like meet them with agenda and goal.
• 34:41
  Speaker 2: And this was happening subconsciously.
• 34:43
  Speaker 2: It wasn't like I would meet them and be like hi, are you my husband?
• 34:46
  Speaker 2: I would just kind of be looking at them if they were worth my time to invest in or not.
• 34:50
  Speaker 2: And now that I've, you know, I have these amazing male friends in my life.
• 34:55
  Speaker 2: It's helped me to be comfortable around men all the time.
• 34:58
  Speaker 2: It's helped me to feel like myself around men all the time.
• 35:01
  Speaker 2: It's helped me to develop trust with men.
• 35:03
  Speaker 2: It's helped me to see softer sides of men.
• 35:05
  Speaker 2: It's helped me to be in masculine energy and not have it be sexual, and it's helped me to just be and see men in a completely different way.
• 35:13
  Speaker 2: So I'm so deeply grateful for the male friends in my life, for helping me to be better in dating, because I think before too, I would get nervous.
• 35:21
  Speaker 2: Like a hot guy would come up to me and I'd be like and now, like any man at any level of hotness or wealth or success could come up and I'm like, hey, how are you?
• 35:30
  Speaker 2: Because I've metabolized the energy of the masculine around me and I I don't feel intimidated by anybody.
• 35:37
  Speaker 2: So masculine friends and men, friends have helped me so deeply.
• 35:41
  Speaker 2: And then I think my friends have taught me, um, how to be loved and how to be, how to trust.
• 35:48
  Speaker 2: You know, like Lindsay is an example, my podcast co-host and best friend Like she's been my North star for how I want to be in my relationship.
• 35:54
  Speaker 2: Like she was here staying at my house like two weeks ago, and she was at the house and I just was thinking to myself I'm like I would, can't wait for my husband to be around me and have it feel like this because around her I feel so mentally free, I feel so expressed, I feel so just myself and it's created like obviously there's going to be romantic interest and you know it's different with a man, but I just am like, wow, I just I want to feel this myself and free like I do with my partner.
• 36:28
  Speaker 2: So I think we can use our female relationships to help us feel how we want to feel, in that freedom and that safety and that spaciousness and that seen ness.
• 36:37
  Speaker 2: And then I think our male relationships can help us really metabolize masculine energy so that we can feel more comfortable and safer on the masculine, especially if we've been in situations where we haven't felt safe or we haven't felt seen by men.
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: I love that.
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, my male friendships have been like some of the most healing, like non-sexual relationships I've ever had, and it's so beautiful to experience that.
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: I love that.
• 37:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think I've had to metabolize.
• 37:04
  Speaker 2: I will say that sometimes I think someone wants more.
• 37:08
  Speaker 2: So I think you have to kind of be with those boundaries or those conversations, and I do think that's true.
• 37:14
  Speaker 2: But if you can be in truth and honesty about things and kind of still move the energy, and even it's helped me to be like, oh, there's a charge here and we don't need to do anything about it, it's okay.
• 37:25
  Speaker 2: And I think growing up, if I met a man and had a charge here and we don't need to do anything about it, like it's okay, you know.
• 37:27
  Speaker 2: And I think growing up, if I met a man and had a charge with him, I'm like, oh, we need to date, like you know what I mean.
• 37:33
  Speaker 2: And now I'm like, oh no, you can have chemistry with someone and they could, they don't have to be your husband.
• 37:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, um, I I always think about like, just like the energy of desire when it comes to things like this, right, cause it's like a huge lesson of like not having to do something with every single desire that comes through your body, Right, and just like sometimes just letting it live in there, um, but I mean, I think definitely, communication is huge in all aspects, right.
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: Whatever relationship you enter into, I think that's going to be a huge key piece of it.
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: Um, and I know you're connected with Lacey Phillips and you've had her on the podcast and everything like that, but I love her concept of expanders and even what you said about Lindsay just being like feeling that sort of like safety and like seen this and like just being in your system around her can be an expander for you.
• 38:16
  Speaker 1: Romantic relationships, too, because it's the same energy, right, wherever we're in, and I love that, and every time, I like witness something that is expanding and it like clicks, like that, it's just, it's so beautiful to be able to like pull that into your body, like now.
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: Right, and even female friendships can be healing for romantic relationships.
• 38:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's huge and you know to speak to desire and kind of that initial part of it too.
• 38:41
  Speaker 2: You know I've been working a lot with desire because I think we as a society and culture are people that love to be in a state of desire, satisfaction, desire, satisfaction, desire, satisfaction.
• 38:55
  Speaker 2: And that happens with social media, that happens with food, that happens with sex.
• 38:59
  Speaker 2: Like you get turned on, you want to come right away.
• 39:02
  Speaker 2: You get hungry, you want to eat.
• 39:03
  Speaker 2: You you know, think about your phone, you want to be on it.
• 39:07
  Speaker 2: It's like we just are so quick to move through desire and that desire feeling is like such an alive feeling, it's such a pull you forward feeling and I've tried to be holding the frame of desire way longer and sculpting myself to hold more desire and to hold more tension and to not want to just have it end right away, because then the cycle begins and then you're technically like an addict to dopamine and so I really am like being in desire longer and even in.
• 39:39
  Speaker 2: You know I'm dating someone right now and we're long distance and so there's like a built desire of the distance and it's like how can I be present and attuned to my life and enjoy the fact that there's something that I desire and there's something that I'm interested in and there's something that I'm excited about and not want it to be like I miss you, I want to go to you.
• 39:57
  Speaker 2: Know it's like no, like Ooh cool.
• 39:59
  Speaker 2: Like I love that I'm wanting someone, I love that I'm desiring someone, like this is beautiful, Like I'm in this state of aliveness because of it and I don't want it to be satisfied in this moment, in every single moment, and I think the more we can expand our capacity for desire and like excitement and vitality, the more beauty we have and the more exciting life becomes, because once we have the satisfaction, then we're just kind of back on the rat race again.
• 40:24
  Speaker 2: So I live in a state of constant desire, I think, which makes me feel like vital and alive.
• 40:32
  Speaker 1: I love that, yeah, and I think when we're constantly giving it, like, like you said, that dopamine and kind of what we were talking about before we got on with, like the kids and that's what it is right it's this constant dopamine hit and I think that's why there's so much, you know, whether it's anxiety or depression, because it's constantly chasing something, you know, instead of, like you said, like kind of living in that desire, which is actually a really beautiful thing, and you know, like I was talking about earlier, like it's been a huge part of my lesson is like being able to be in that and not have to have the thing right now, right, like it's okay to experience that like slowness of it, but, yeah, that's beautiful lessons.
• 41:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's that slow burn and it's that the experience of and I think about that with dating too, because I think a lot of us for women, you know, we're like, okay, we meet them, and we're like I like them.
• 41:19
  Speaker 2: Okay, now, what's our next date?
• 41:20
  Speaker 2: Or when are we going to get married, or what is the next thing.
• 41:22
  Speaker 2: And you know, we're kind of just like I, just it's like no, like this unraveling, unfolding the story of it all is happening right now and it's so beautiful and it's luscious and it's just pleasurable and I just want the best things in life to last as long as possible and I I don't want my fear to make things collapse and get smaller and end things collapse and get smaller and end.
• 41:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah, did you ever feel like you were in a place of like experiencing, experiencing relationships or dating in that way, or is this, or you've kind of always been able to enjoy that process.
• 41:58
  Speaker 2: Um, I would say no, I mean no, I wouldn't say I think in my process of my, you know, we waited for like eight years till we got engaged, so I wasn't ever in a rush with that.
• 42:13
  Speaker 2: For some reason which you know could have been assigned subconsciously, I think in dating I definitely have found myself not rushing to marriage or not rushing to relationship, but definitely when I felt there was wobbliness on their end or unavailability, I would get anxious and want the next step for sure.
• 42:32
  Speaker 2: So I now know that I was in with someone that was unavailable or someone that was an avoidant If I was anxious about the fact that we didn't have a next step in place.
• 42:43
  Speaker 2: And you know that's been my pattern is, to date, avoidance.
• 42:49
  Speaker 2: I'm not anxious per se, because I've sort of been trained out of my anxiousness being with avoidance for so long.
• 42:55
  Speaker 2: I won't show it, I won't express it.
• 42:58
  Speaker 2: I I kind of an avoidant myself, to be honest.
• 43:01
  Speaker 2: But I would internally be like, okay, why don't we have a plan?
• 43:06
  Speaker 2: Why aren't we doing this?
• 43:07
  Speaker 2: What's going on with that?
• 43:09
  Speaker 2: And I noticed myself in each dating scenario when I would lead and I would kind of transition from being in the receptive mode of them, planning them leading, then determining, and I would be like, oh, what about us going on a trip here?
• 43:24
  Speaker 2: Or what about me coming here?
• 43:26
  Speaker 2: Or what about you know?
• 43:27
  Speaker 2: Then it would always get wobbly and it's you know again, these are not the right men, they're unavailable for the most part.
• 43:35
  Speaker 2: But I was like, oh, I don't want to be in a place where I'm forcing anything, I'm rushing anything, I'm trying to make something happen that isn't happening organically and naturally or through their desire first.
• 43:48
  Speaker 2: So I've definitely had to work on it.
• 43:49
  Speaker 2: For sure, I wouldn't say that I'm like perfect, um, but I think being older has helped me be much better with it than I was younger and I was more unconscious, um to it.
• 44:03
  Speaker 1: Do you feel like dating maybe more dismissive men was like a protective thing.
• 44:10
  Speaker 2: I would say, yeah, so I um.
• 44:11
  Speaker 2: So the men that I would date, I haven't.
• 44:13
  Speaker 2: I dated men that are emotionally available and I've dated men that are, you know.
• 44:17
  Speaker 2: But I think, yeah, I think the men that I dated I dated since my relationship ended have been avoidant because it feels safe for me, because then I know that we're not going to go deep and I know that we're not going to be more intimate than this wall that you have up, and so that feels safe for me because you know, to be honest.
• 44:43
  Speaker 2: So, on the one part of the positive side of it, none of these men are my men and none of these men are the men I'm meant to be with.
• 44:49
  Speaker 2: So there's a good part of it.
• 44:50
  Speaker 2: So, subconsciously I'm like, okay, cool, you have this boundary, great, I can look good because I can be the one that's trying to get in and trying to go deeper.
• 44:59
  Speaker 2: But you're going to stop me every time, even though I know you're not my man.
• 45:02
  Speaker 2: So there's that beautiful part of it where it's like my subconscious also knows that they're not my man.
• 45:06
  Speaker 2: Um, but yeah, it was definitely to protect myself, definitely to avoid my own going deep, my own being intimate, my own availability.
• 45:13
  Speaker 2: I would say that I just now, in the past couple months, have made myself available for depth and intimacy and true relationship, and for me that means showing someone all of my sides and all of my parts.
• 45:28
  Speaker 2: It means not just my perfect.
• 45:30
  Speaker 2: You know, krista, on a pedestal part of I have all these amazing qualities and I have all these amazing things.
• 45:36
  Speaker 2: It's like the messiness, the rawness, the imperfection, the true me, and that's scary, because when that part's rejected it's such a different experience than when, like you, like the facade you put up is rejected.
• 45:50
  Speaker 2: And I think before in relationships I had my facade up for way longer, and so now I'm like, oh no, I need you to know the me, who I am, throughout this entire process, because that's just faster and I don't really know how to fake it much.
• 46:10
  Speaker 2: I don't know.
• 46:11
  Speaker 2: I can't fake it as long anymore.
• 46:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's exhausting, I feel like to to like not show up fully, and then you know if it does progress past a certain point, and then you're kind of having to go back and then show things they're like well, where'd that come from?
• 46:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, literally literally yeah, they're like whoa, whoa, whoa.
• 46:27
  Speaker 2: You're like I didn't tell you about this thing, like, yeah, and I think everyone does it in dating and, and you know, online dating makes it um, online dating is its own portal and you know it's all in its own plan.
• 46:45
  Speaker 2: But if you are looking at a list of physical attributes and a list of these attributes school, religion, all of that and like, how do you get to know someone's soul?
• 46:53
  Speaker 2: You know from that.
• 46:54
  Speaker 2: So it's now we're kind of trained to present the things rather than presenting who we are energetically.
• 47:02
  Speaker 2: And I think that's what I've learned so much in my process is, like, you know, my ex was my entire list and that list was a list I wrote when I was 23, 24, which was great, he was an amazing man.
• 47:14
  Speaker 2: And now my list is so different.
• 47:16
  Speaker 2: My list is so much soul texture, emotional texture, heart texture, frequency texture, values, texture, and with online dating it's like I did it for, I think, a few months.
• 47:29
  Speaker 2: I haven't done it.
• 47:30
  Speaker 2: I did it for I think like four months and I haven't done it since, because what I found was that my ego was looking at all the things on someone's profile but like I can't meet someone's soul, you know, and when I'm out in the world.
• 47:44
  Speaker 2: I can meet them and right away be like, even though you're nothing like what I thought my type was, your soul feels good with my soul and that's what I want to do, and I think I've given myself permission to know that, like, the frequency is what I'm looking for, not just the list.
• 48:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I've also moved away from online dating too, because that same thing it's.
• 48:06
  Speaker 1: It's so hard to connect with somebody when you're just looking at statistics.
• 48:11
  Speaker 1: Like my son would be like mom.
• 48:13
  Speaker 1: Why is everyone you date like six foot five or whatever.
• 48:16
  Speaker 1: And then when the people I meet in real life, I'm like those things actually don't even matter.
• 48:19
  Speaker 1: I'm five, three, you could be five, five and still be taller than me.
• 48:22
  Speaker 1: It really doesn't make a difference.
• 48:24
  Speaker 1: Um, and so it's.
• 48:26
  Speaker 1: But you're right, like I think having that connection like like soul to soul, like energetically, actually in person, like even the one that I dated, like I've known him for like a year, which I also think helped with the little like freak out that I had, cause he already knew who I was before, an emotional experience of me, right, but yeah, I love that, I think it's.
• 48:45
  Speaker 1: I mean, I think both your intention behind it and for anyone listening to that maybe, is dating like you said, like making a list has been.
• 48:52
  Speaker 1: I mean I think that's so helpful and also like keeping it open, because every like, whenever I've made a list, the person I meet like matches most of that, and then I realized, oh well, I actually like this needs to be a priority too, like the ability to commit or the ability to want to be clear, the ability to communicate, like those things are important, not just you know your whatever, and have dating help you make your list and help you cultivate and refine your list and help you show aspects of you.
• 49:20
  Speaker 2: And just, I see every date as every first date, in a selfish way, as like growth for me.
• 49:29
  Speaker 2: How much am I being myself?
• 49:31
  Speaker 2: How honest am I being?
• 49:32
  Speaker 2: How truthful am I being?
• 49:32
  Speaker 2: How in honest am I being?
• 49:33
  Speaker 2: How truthful am I being?
• 49:34
  Speaker 2: How in integrity am I being?
• 49:36
  Speaker 2: You know what I mean.
• 49:36
  Speaker 2: Like it's like how am I being?
• 49:37
  Speaker 2: And then, obviously, as I get to know them more, I'm more available for um being fully present and attuned to that.
• 49:44
  Speaker 2: I'm being fully present and attuned, but it's like I'm more available to let that aspect of it go and see them.
• 49:49
  Speaker 2: Um, but I don't think online dating is necessarily bad.
• 49:51
  Speaker 2: Like it was a beautiful portal for me to meet great men that I, you know, had great relationships with, but I felt like at the end I was like I'm not your cup might go.
• 50:04
  Speaker 1: just your cat the cup Did you?
• 50:08
  Speaker 1: I was like I saw it start to move and like it might go off the table.
• 50:14
  Speaker 1: Dude, honestly we might snap.
• 50:17
  Speaker 2: I had to mute it for a bit because she was meowing.
• 50:18
  Speaker 2: It's all good, it's fine, but for people that are online dating, it's like just having an intention around it.
• 50:23
  Speaker 2: I think a lot of what people will do is they'll be like I hate online dating, it's the worst, you know, blah, blah, blah, and then they'll go on it.
• 50:28
  Speaker 2: It's like, if you don't like it, don't do it.
• 50:30
  Speaker 2: And after I online dated, I told God I am not online dating and I'm available for you to bring men into my life in the flesh, and I'm available for karmic relationships.
• 50:42
  Speaker 2: I'm available to clear up karma in this lifetime.
• 50:44
  Speaker 2: But I'm no longer available for the portal of online dating.
• 50:48
  Speaker 2: And the reason why it's worked for me off of being online is because I'm not messing around.
• 50:53
  Speaker 2: I'm not saying it out of fear, I'm saying it out of empowerment, I'm saying it out of clarity, I'm saying it out of truth and I'm also available for relationships that aren't just like the most perfect one ever Like.
• 51:03
  Speaker 2: If I was to be like God, I'm not available for online dating and I only want my soulmate Sure, maybe that's going to happen.
• 51:07
  Speaker 2: But I'm also available to like help people.
• 51:10
  Speaker 2: I'm available to be expanders for men.
• 51:12
  Speaker 2: I'm available to like support men in the process.
• 51:14
  Speaker 2: I'm available to see stuff that I haven't seen Like.
• 51:16
  Speaker 2: It isn't just about finding the one for me, it's about learning and it's about growth and it's about making myself and my work better.
• 51:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I remember listening to one episode of the podcast, like I don't know, I don't.
• 51:31
  Speaker 1: It was maybe like five years ago and I was on a walk and I remember hearing you talking about like being intentional and something along those lines.
• 51:36
  Speaker 1: Right Of like setting intention for something.
• 51:38
  Speaker 1: I remember thinking to myself like wow, like I wish I could be that intentional about things, but like I found like I could never like I'm air quoting it like because it is all just part of the process, I guess, but I never took the time to set an intention before I did something.
• 51:50
  Speaker 1: You know what I mean.
• 51:51
  Speaker 1: But even just like a few weeks ago, I remember like sitting with my journal and it's something that now I can look back and now I I can pull in that intention a lot easier.
• 52:00
  Speaker 1: So, like, as you're saying that, like I've definitely done that with like speaking things out loud and be like this is what I'm available for.
• 52:06
  Speaker 1: And like right before you know the last like date I went on, I remember I was like with my journal and I just like was like you know what Like source got.
• 52:12
  Speaker 1: I was like I am so good Like being single, like I've been single for seven and a half years, like I'm comfortable with myself, I've kind of done that work.
• 52:19
  Speaker 1: So like, if this is it, it's kind of like one of those worst case scenarios, right, like if I end up single for the rest of my life, like what's the worst case?
• 52:30
  Speaker 1: Like boom, like three days later I got this message and again, not to say that it's anything, but like I think just bringing that intention in and just like having that connection to something bigger than the situation, to like zoom out and just be able to appreciate it, I think the surrender is huge too, and I think people are talking about surrender a lot and I don't think people understand surrender, isn't I'm letting go because I want an outcome?
• 52:57
  Speaker 2: It's literally letting go because you're unattached to the outcome, cause you don't you, you're not expecting to get the outcome at all.
• 53:04
  Speaker 2: So you being like life is good, I could be single, great, like that's so powerful and such a powerful place to be.
• 53:12
  Speaker 2: And I think, even if he's your man or not, you should want to feel good in every moment.
• 53:19
  Speaker 2: So I'm going to feel good, even if he's my man or not.
• 53:22
  Speaker 2: If he's my man, great.
• 53:23
  Speaker 2: If he's not my man, great.
• 53:24
  Speaker 2: I still feel good and I think that's such a beautiful, beautiful thing that I think I work on and I strive to be and I strive to learn and do more of I think I'm, I think there's always room for more surrender, but I think I'm pretty, pretty surrendered.
• 53:39
  Speaker 2: But you know there's always, we always do grip in somewhere.
• 53:42
  Speaker 2: Us humans, we always find somewhere to grip.
• 53:44
  Speaker 1: Yeah, ego is always going to act up a little bit, for sure, for sure.
• 53:48
  Speaker 1: Well, I love that we talked about dating, like before we got on.
• 53:52
  Speaker 1: I was hoping that we would like kind of circle onto this.
• 53:54
  Speaker 2: Oh, this is this is the only place I want to live.
• 53:57
  Speaker 2: Me and my friend, Sahara Sahara Rose, who's one of my best friends, Like we like, because we we started.
• 54:03
  Speaker 2: We kind of got into the dating portal together, Like I left my marriage in November, she left hers in December, and so we've been on our journey like, just as like besties, and every single podcast we are like we can you know everyone's like, oh, what about?
• 54:17
  Speaker 2: And we're like, let me tell you about this date.
• 54:25
  Speaker 2: I went on.
• 54:25
  Speaker 2: All we want to do is process dating because it's fascinating, it's fun, it's interesting, it's human nature.
• 54:27
  Speaker 1: It's like so fun Is there like one experience that was just like wild in like whatever way you can get.
• 54:36
  Speaker 1: That means to you?
• 54:38
  Speaker 2: Um, you know there was.
• 54:41
  Speaker 2: I remember when I went to on a trip or I was in, I had a retreat and usually after my retreats I'm very hard open, I'm very, I'm in a really beautiful frequency because I've been around women all week.
• 54:53
  Speaker 2: I've been just like in my Dharma and I remember the psychic.
• 54:56
  Speaker 2: A psychic before I left was like oh, she's like the man you're going to be with, he's like a Brown man and he's like an athlete and like doesn't speak English, we'll sing all this stuff.
• 55:11
  Speaker 2: And I was like this is like the craziest thing I've ever heard in my life.
• 55:14
  Speaker 2: I was like what is she talking about?
• 55:15
  Speaker 2: And then I was in Paris and I remember we went to this restaurant and then we left the restaurant.
• 55:21
  Speaker 2: Nothing happened.
• 55:22
  Speaker 2: I was like I'm going to meet this other guy that I met and then our friends were like, hey, we just got to this restaurant, will you come back?
• 55:29
  Speaker 2: And I remember I went back to the restaurant and I was like I have like the calling to like do a lap and all my friends like no, like wherever I go I do a lap.
• 55:37
  Speaker 2: I'm just like like just showing what's, showing everyone what I'm working with and just seeing what's up.
• 55:42
  Speaker 2: So I do a lap and there's the most gorgeous, like brown skin, tall man that I've like ever seen and I was like, oh hello.
• 55:51
  Speaker 2: And I just was like doo-doo-doo, just walked by and sat down and he sent a drink over and we ended up hanging out that night.
• 56:00
  Speaker 2: Like his name was like Giovanni, he was like an athlete every single thing that the psychic said and he ended up living like 20 minutes away from my dad in Florida and so he was in there for a trip like work, like dah, dah, dah, dah.
• 56:15
  Speaker 2: So we hung out all the next day and had this like love affair in Paris, and then I was flying back to see my dad that next week and he was at home, so we got to spend more time together.
• 56:27
  Speaker 2: It was just this moment of this connection that was really beautiful and really deep and really just like magical.
• 56:34
  Speaker 2: That like I would have never thought I would be available for like a love affair with, like an Ecuadorian athlete that was like named Giovanni, you know, years ago, and I was like, oh, I love that this is a part of my like life story, like I'm just open and available for a beautiful experience with a beautiful man that feels honest and true, that feels magical and fun and all these things.
• 56:56
  Speaker 2: And it was just like I was like, oh, this is what it's like to just like say yes to life.
• 57:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I love that.
• 57:02
  Speaker 1: And predicted by a psychic, predicted by a psychic, of course.
• 57:05
  Speaker 1: What do you?
• 57:05
  Speaker 2: mean, of course, she's like he's an acquired, like she said everything about him.
• 57:09
  Speaker 2: She's like he's this, he's that and I was like what are you talking about?
• 57:17
  Speaker 2: And so when I'm so, it's hard with psychics, because then when you meet them, you're like you're who the psychic told me, you know.
• 57:20
  Speaker 1: And then you're like are you my man?
• 57:21
  Speaker 1: And I'm like did you tell him a psychic?
• 57:23
  Speaker 1: Told him, told you about him.
• 57:24
  Speaker 2: No, that's one thing to all the ladies listening.
• 57:27
  Speaker 2: Keep it to yourself.
• 57:30
  Speaker 1: This is also.
• 57:30
  Speaker 1: I love having male like really close friends, because sometimes I'll call my male friend, I'll be like, and I'll say a situation, he's like Rochelle, like, don't say that to them.
• 57:37
  Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, thanks.
• 57:39
  Speaker 2: No, literally.
• 57:40
  Speaker 2: I mean your man.
• 57:40
  Speaker 2: Nothing's going to scare your man away.
• 57:41
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't ask for horoscopes.
• 57:43
  Speaker 2: I don't ask for birthdays.
• 57:45
  Speaker 2: I don't tell them about psychic readings that involve them.
• 57:48
  Speaker 2: I don't.
• 57:49
  Speaker 2: It's just like my husband I would.
• 57:52
  Speaker 2: I told him stuff at.
• 57:54
  Speaker 2: You know it went after years and years of dating.
• 57:56
  Speaker 2: I just think, unless your man is very spiritually attuned, it's a lot of information to be like a psychic.
• 58:04
  Speaker 2: They don't.
• 58:04
  Speaker 2: The way that they understand psychics is is interesting and I think we put so much weight on psychic readings.
• 58:09
  Speaker 2: Like I take psychic readings so lightly now.
• 58:11
  Speaker 2: I mean, for every psychic I've met, I'm I'm married 50 times over right now.
• 58:16
  Speaker 2: So it's like yeah some I believe, some I don't.
• 58:18
  Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Whatever, yeah, it's also like I feel like, um, I don't know if intuitive is the word I'm looking for, but you can take whatever meaning you want from it, right, like I think that it can be applied to like so many different situations, like I've had psychics tell me certain things about men I'm going to meet, but it's like, but it could also apply to like three or four of them.
• 58:37
  Speaker 1: So it's like which one were you talking about?
• 58:39
  Speaker 1: I don't know.
• 58:40
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean totally.
• 58:41
  Speaker 2: There's one, there's one specific person that I think like 12 psychics have told me I'm going to be with at this point and I'm just like it's literally, it's like all the same type, the one person that numerous ones have told you about.
• 58:56
  Speaker 2: Yes, huh, numerous many.
• 58:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I can't even tell you, I don't even want to describe it, cause it's like annoying at this point and I'm like, and it's also, it's also a type that I'm not interested in at all.
• 59:07
  Speaker 2: It's like, and so I'm like, hmm, free will says no to that.
• 59:14
  Speaker 1: We all have it.
• 59:15
  Speaker 2: I know we all have it.
• 59:16
  Speaker 1: I'm like yeah, I would love to talk about the book, obviously before we like sign off, because it is in about a month it's coming out.
• 59:25
  Speaker 1: So I would love to just know, like I mean whatever you want to tell us about it, like the writing process, what it was like to write it with Lindsay and not just like yourself.
• 59:32
  Speaker 1: And you know, obviously now with like touring and kind of traveling and talking about it must be such a exciting, maybe little nerves in there.
• 59:40
  Speaker 1: I don't know what the process is like.
• 59:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 59:43
  Speaker 2: So you know, when we started the podcast, we were on our closet floors, we were at rock bottom and we felt so lost in life and over the past you know, nine years of building the show and changing our lives with the wisdom and the insight from our guests.
• 59:57
  Speaker 2: We wanted to have everything we've learned to go from completely lost to a life that we loved in a guidebook, and so this is a guidebook for your conscious awakening.
• 1:00:07
  Speaker 2: It's like a spiritual guidebook to adulting.
• 1:00:09
  Speaker 2: We have sections on the body, on purpose, on career, on your soul, on friendships, on purpose, on career, on your soul, on friendships, on romantic relationships, on money.
• 1:00:18
  Speaker 2: Like it's like so much of the goodness and wisdom from the podcast mixed in with stories from lindsey and I that we've never told before, mixed in with our own teachings, and it's powerful.
• 1:00:29
  Speaker 2: Like I'm so hard on there's no one that's harder on themselves than me and I think it's literally such an amazing book.
• 1:00:37
  Speaker 2: I'm so proud of it and I'm so excited for people to have it.
• 1:00:40
  Speaker 2: So it's called Almost 30.
• 1:00:41
  Speaker 2: It's a definitive guide to a life that you love for the next decade and beyond, and you can get it wherever you get books almost30.com slash book If people want to come.
• 1:00:50
  Speaker 2: You can also join camp which we're doing a virtual retreat in May, may 18th, which is going to be really incredible and, yeah, I'm excited for people to have it.
• 1:01:01
  Speaker 2: It's been a nerve wracking process, I think, to promote it and share it.
• 1:01:03
  Speaker 2: Writing it was a joy, but you know, it's all a growth edge and I'm really grateful to have opportunities in my life where I can grow.
• 1:01:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I love that and even just kind of tying into what we were talking about, you know in the beginning, the the slowness of doing something like this, Right Cause I mean you guys started writing it what like a couple of years ago or a year ago, or yeah, I think like you're right.
• 1:01:20
  Speaker 2: I think 23.
• 1:01:22
  Speaker 2: So I think I just got divorced and Lindsay just got pregnant.
• 1:01:25
  Speaker 1: Wow, wow, I know, yeah.
• 1:01:28
  Speaker 1: What do you feel?
• 1:01:30
  Speaker 1: Like your, like your sad and returned self would say if they read this book.
• 1:01:37
  Speaker 2: It's a great question I haven't been asked.
• 1:01:38
  Speaker 2: I think my sad and returned my God, I mean the deepest truth that I know that I keep coming back to related to this book is that if I would have read this when I was going through deep times of transformation and change, my life would be completely different.
• 1:01:55
  Speaker 2: I would feel like a completely different person.
• 1:01:58
  Speaker 2: I would feel at peace and at ease.
• 1:01:59
  Speaker 2: I would be able to have my mental health through the process.
• 1:02:01
  Speaker 2: So I think she would be like, feel less alone.
• 1:02:05
  Speaker 2: I think she'd be like oh, I'm not behind, I'm just becoming.
• 1:02:09
  Speaker 2: You know, it's a part of the process to be here and I feel so seen and heard and yeah, it sounds cliche but it's so real like I wish I would have known that all the change I was going through was for purpose.
• 1:02:22
  Speaker 2: I wish I would have known that my world crumbling down around me was all for good and I wish I would have known that my soul knew what it was doing the whole time.
• 1:02:31
  Speaker 1: I love that.
• 1:02:32
  Speaker 1: I can't wait to read it and and I've you know, I've been fans of you guys since, like my son is almost nine, and I remember being pregnant, listening to stop cast you guys.
• 1:02:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:02:43
  Speaker 1: It's been like one of the beginning, since the beginning, like definitely full circle moment.
• 1:02:49
  Speaker 1: So I appreciate so much having you on here.
• 1:02:51
  Speaker 2: It's been.
• 1:02:52
  Speaker 2: I mean talk about dating all day.
• 1:02:54
  Speaker 1: You're going to have to now keep me updated with what's going on now.
• 1:02:58
  Speaker 2: Now I'm locked in.
• 1:02:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah, when the episode comes out, I'll give you a little update.
• 1:03:01
  Speaker 1: Everyone will need to know you'll have to put it in the intro.
• 1:03:05
  Speaker 1: To be honest, I'll have to have him on, yeah.
• 1:03:07
  Speaker 2: Literally I'll be like you know what she said that thing, yeah, I loved her.
• 1:03:12
  Speaker 2: You know what she said that thing, yeah, I loved her.
• 1:03:14
  Speaker 1: We'll see.
• 1:03:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah Well, thank you so much, thank you so much, bye guys you.