Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / How to Know If You Should Stay or Leave a Relationship: 10 Questions That Reveal the Truth

Transcript

How to Know If You Should Stay or Leave a Relationship: 10 Questions That Reveal the Truth · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim, and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation, and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage, these are confidential conversations for you if you'll never get any separation, divorce, or reorganizing life afterwards.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the warrantry people of the Cullen Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: This week on the podcast, we are exploring together ten questions that can help you reveal whether it's time to call time on your relationship.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: How to know whether to stay or leave your marriage, your relationship.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: These ten questions can help you reveal the truth, your truth.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: So let's dive in.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Question number one: Knowing what you know now, not who they could become, if you met your person, your partner today for the first time, would you choose this relationship again?
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: Many of us stay in relationships unhappy, dissatisfied, disconnected because of history, because of sunk cost, sunk effort, because of the fear of the unknown.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: Not because the relationship as it exists, as it stands today, is one that we would actively choose, consciously actively choose again.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: So this first question forces you to look at your current reality with fresh with a fresh lens, fresh eyes.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: If there were no past, no promises, clean slate, starting fresh from today, would you opt in?
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Knowing what you know now, not leaning into potential, not who they could become, if you met this person for the first time today, would you choose this relationship again?
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Question number two.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Where have you or have you silenced yourself, shrunk yourself, abandoned yourself to keep the peace or preserve, protect this relationship as it is?
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: Most of us don't notice the slow sequential abandonment or erosion of ourself, the small, oh, I'll let that go moments that stack up.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's only when we pause and look back and look at where we are that we can see, that we can recognize.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I've silenced myself, I've kept myself small, I've abandoned myself, and sometimes it's a feeling in the body, not necessarily a knowing in the head that reveals this.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: There's an episode, I think it's two weeks ago, about making decisions using our three decision-making centers: the head, the heart, and the gut.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: So if you haven't listened to that one, I would encourage you to go back and have a listen to it.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: But ask yourself, feel into what feels true in your body.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Where have I let go of my needs or put my needs last on the list?
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Where have I overridden my needs, my opinions, my boundaries, my values to maintain this relationship?
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: I was gonna say connection, but that's not right, okay?
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Where have you overridden hopes, needs, opinions, boundaries, values to maintain the status quo, to maintain this relationship?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: If staying requires you to lose parts of yourself, to minimize, to shrink, to abandon parts of yourself, that's data, that's important information.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: Question number three: in what ways, specific, measurable ways, has your partner, your person, shown willingness and capacity to repair, to heal, to grow, not just talk about it, not just promise to do it.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Wanting things to be better, saying all the right things is not actually the same thing as doing the work.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: Real change shows up in consistent action, being accountable, and following through.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: So are you actually witnessing, experiencing willingness and capacity to repair, grow, change?
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Are you witnessing transformation or is it just promises and potential and hope?
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: So, in what specific ways has this person shown willingness and capacity to repair, grow, heal, change rather than just talk about it?
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: And that goes for you too, right?
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: You can apply that same question to yourself.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: Question number four: What needs does this relationship currently meet that you fear you might not get elsewhere or could not meet for yourself?
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we actually stay in an unhappy, disconnected, even unhealthy relationship because that relationship meets something in us.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: It meets a need.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's safety, maybe it's identity, maybe it's status, maybe it's belonging, maybe it's routine and structure, whatever that is for you.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: We stay sometimes in a relationship because it meets a need that we don't trust that we can source in other ways.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: We don't trust that we can replace that or build that or create that or feel that need for ourselves.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: So naming what that is, naming that need makes it easier or at least makes it clearer to tell if you're staying for love or staying for scaffolding, right?
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Are you staying because this relationship is really healthy and positive and expands you and holds you, or are you staying because it scaffolds you, it meets a need?
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: So if you can think about what what need this relationship in its current form meets for you, that you fear you might not be able to access or resource elsewhere, or for yourself, from yourself, name that need makes it easier to make a decision.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: Question number five: Are you growing and evolving within the container that is this relationship, or are you just recycling the same crap?
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Are you just recycling the same tension points, the same arguments, the same conflicts, the same issues with no shift, no forward change?
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy relationships don't avoid friction, they aren't devoid of conflict, but they learn and grow from it.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: So if you are looping the same fights, you are opening the same wounds, you're experiencing the same issue with unmet needs, with no forward movement, no healing from that rupture, no evolution, no growth, no expansion, that's just stagnation, right?
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's not stability.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Well, maybe it is stable, but it's stable stagnation.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: So the question is whether this container still has room and capacity for your growth, evolution, and expansion.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Am I growing and evolving inside this relationship or not?
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Question number six.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: If the most brutally honest, self-loving, self-compassionate, but brutally honest part of you, that one part that you try not to hear or listen to, could speak freely, what would it say?
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: We often do know, we just don't want the consequences of knowing.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: There is usually a voice that already has the answer, and the fear is in listening, hearing, and knowing that once you hear it, you actually need to make some changes and take some action.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: So the fear is in listening or hearing that most honest part of you.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: So whether that's head, heart, gut, what is the most honest part of you trying to tell you?
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: If the most honest part of you could speak freely, what would it say?
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: Just allow that voice, even for a minute.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: Question number seven.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: If someone you love were in this exact relationship with this same set of circumstances, these same dynamics, what would you tell them?
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's always easier to be the outsider looking in, right?
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because of all the layers, because of love, because of history, because of guilt, obligation, fear, none of that's in the mix.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: So borrow that objectively, borrow that objectivity for a moment.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: If you would tell your daughter, your son, your best friend to end this relationship and leave, why are you holding yourself to a different standard?
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you not gifting yourself the same opportunity?
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: So if someone you love are in this exact relationship with this exact same dynamic and the exact same issues, what would you tell them?
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Question number eight.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: What feelings are you afraid you would have to face if you did leave?
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: What feelings?
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's my cat.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um what feelings are you afraid you would have to face if you did leave?
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: And this is not practical consequences I'm talking about here.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: This is the feelings.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: Is it guilt?
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Is it grief?
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: Is it loneliness, judgment, is it a fear of starting over?
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: What are those feelings that you are afraid you would have to experience if you were to leave?
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: Often we sometimes we're not attached to the person anymore, to the relationship.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: We're actually still attached.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: We're attached to avoiding the pain that making a call, making a decision, and making a change will bring up.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: So really work on naming the emotions that you're outsourcing to the relationship to protect you from.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: Name the emotions that you're afraid you would have to experience, live through, feel through if you were to leave.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: Give them a name.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: Give them a platform.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: Staying to avoid pain or feelings is very different from staying to rebuild, reconnect, and create something new and different for yourself.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: Question number nine.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: When you imagine the future you actually want for yourself, career, home, intimate partnership, values, lifestyle, does this person that you're in relationship with currently does this person fit that picture and lead you one step, ten steps closer towards creating that version of life for you?
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: Or do they restrict it?
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: So does this relationship allow you to move towards the future you actually want for yourself?
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: Or is it restricting you from doing that?
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: Don't evaluate with this question history, the relationship, don't evaluate the relationship against the past.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: Evaluate it against the future that you are moving toward.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: Is this person a full partner in that future?
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: Or are they actually a bit of an anchor to a life that you've outgrown?
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: Are they a partner in your future, or are they somebody with whom you've shared history?
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: My last question I would encourage you to ask yourself are you staying because the relationship is good, growing, expanding, evolving, or because it's familiar, socially acceptable, and not bad enough in inverted commas to leave?
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of people don't leave because nothing is dra dramatically or catastrophically wrong.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's good enough.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: But are you willing to settle for good enough?
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: Because not bad in inverticomas, not intolerable, is really not the same thing as deeply right.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: Familiarity is not a reason, or should not be the only reason that you are staying.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: Alignment is a reason, it is a good, solid reason.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: So are you staying because the relationship is good, growing, and it's aligned?
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: You are both aligned, or are you staying because it's familiar and it's not bad enough to leave?
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: But these questions aren't about blame, shame, guilt.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: They're actually an attempt to step you out of all of that and to step out of the spiraling thought processes.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's about trying to create or find your own tr your own truth, some clarity, but also self-alignment.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like, am I living a life that is aligned?
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: Am I building a relationship or co-creating a relationship that is aligned with my wants, needs, highest values, all of the things, right?
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: So spend some time with these questions.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: You're not gonna have the answers all at once, right?
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: Spend some time with them so that you can perhaps stop the overthinking and start more deeply reflecting and maybe make a choice that honours you, where you are, but also the future that you want to create for yourself.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for being here.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: I really appreciate you allowing me to spend some time in your ears.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: If you know someone that would benefit from listening to this, please share it with them.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, bye for now.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: Until then,