Latest / Intentional Guy / I Was the Emotionally Unavailable Husband
Transcript
- Michael Chestnut: Let me tell you about the first husband who ever lived. Genesis 3. Adam hears God walking through the garden. And instead of running to him, he runs and hides. God asks him one question not what did you do? Just where are you? Like he already knows. The real problem isn't the fruit, it's the distance. Then Adam finally answers. And he doesn't reach for his wife, he points at her. The woman you gave me, she gave it to me. Think about that. The very first marriage on earth and the first move under pressure is hide then blame. Not exactly the story we put on a greeting card, but it's honest and it's older than all of us. I know that man. I used to think I was fine. I showed up, I paid the bills. By every measure I'd been handed, I was a good husband. But my wife would tell you different. She'd tell you she was lonely in a house with me in it. Here's the thing: nobody tells you about being emotionally unavailable. It doesn't look like a bad husband. It looks like a quiet one. two years ago, An old car wreck caught up with me and cost me my job. And honestly, my checking out didn't start there. It just got worse there. Even before that, my move under pressure was always the same. Go quiet, turn on the TV, let the noise fill the room so I didn't have to. But once I lost that job, Checking out became a full-time thing. Hours in the garage, a pipe in hand, tobacco, nothing else, TV running, so I didn't have to hear my own thoughts. I wasn't cheating. I wasn't yelling. I wasn't even really gone. I was just not there. Hiding from the one person who loved me the most. That's the trap. You can be standing in the house and still be completely checked out of the marriage. My wife never danced around it. She never has. She told me straight to my face she was worried about me. She said it was obvious I was depressed and shutting down, and she didn't know how to fix it. She told me she felt completely alone. Not because I'd left, because I was isolating right there. Under the same roof. And here's what I'm not proud of. I heard her, and I still didn't move. I didn't argue with her. I didn't deny it. I just didn't know how to climb out. So I stayed in the garage. That's the part every man needs to hear. It's rarely that she never told you. It's that you heard her, and hiding still felt safer than showing up. With nothing to offer. My wife had already told me the truth. But it was my friends who made it impossible to keep ignoring. They texted me, said, Let's get together. So we did what men do. We met up for cigars. And it was right there, in between puffs on that cigar, that they spoke the truth to me. You've had your pity party long enough. Your wife doesn't need you perfect. She needs you present. Part of me wanted to be angry. And for a minute I was. But a bigger part of me knew the truth. They weren't attacking me. They were just saying louder what she already said quietly. Her words I could let fate. Theirs sitting across from me, I couldn't. If you want to know why I run and hide when I'm overwhelmed, I've got to go back further than the garage. I carry a childhood wound, sexual abuse, that for a long time decided how I thought I was worth it. I got counseling for that five years ago. That work was real. That door isn't shut. It's just not the room I live in anymore. But here's the catch nobody warns you about. Healing doesn't mean The enemy stops throwing it back in your face. He still does. He'll take an old wound and try to convince a grown man, a husband, a father, that he's still that same broken child. The difference now is I don't have to catch what he throws. I let Christ catch it, and I let Christ destroy it. What actually pulled me out of the garage wasn't willpower, it was other men. Guys who wouldn't let me isolate in peace. Guys who kept showing up even when I didn't answer the first few times. that's what walking towards freedom really looks like. It's rarely something you do alone. It's brotherhood dragging you back towards your own front door. Here's the plainest way I can say it. I put the pipe down, not because it was evil. Because it had become my excuse to sit alone instead of walk inside. and now that time is my wife's time. And being with her is one of my favorite things in the world. It just took me a while to remember that. That's the trade nobody tells you about. It's not garage time versus nothing. It's garage time versus her. If you're not sure this is you, here's a plain list. No diagnosis, just an honest mirror. You come home and go straight to the screen. A project or a room by yourself before you even find her. She asks you how you're doing, and you say fine, just so the conversation ends. You'd rather fix something in the garage than sit with something hard in the living room. You know she's upset, and instead of asking why, you just wait for it to blow over. You keep the peace by staying quiet, and call that being a good husband. If two or three of those hit close, that's not a verdict. That's just an invitation to look closer. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loves the church and gave himself up for her. Ephesians 5 25. Christ's love wasn't distance. It wasn't just provision from a safe distance. It was presence that cost him everything. Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way. First Peter three. Seven. Understanding takes proximity. You can't understand a woman you've walked away from. Emotional leadership isn't just having the right answer. It's about staying in the room. So here's what I'm asking you, man to man. When did you last ask your wife how she really feels? And actually stayed in the room long enough to hear the whole answer. Not fixed it. Not defend yourself. Just stay. That's the whole assignment this week. If you're listening and you see your own husband in this, a few things from me to you. You didn't cause this. His hiding isn't a math problem. You failed to solve. And telling him the truth, even when nothing changes right away, that wasn't wasted. Seeds don't look like anything until they do. Keep telling the truth. Keep asking for what you need. And go find your own people too. You shouldn't be the only one carrying the weight of watching him high. Adam heard the question in the garden and hid. God's still asking it. Where are you? Not to condemn you, to find you. If this one hit close to home, you're not alone in that garage. Let's get coffee. Let me be your brother. Let me walk beside you.