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What happens when you want to divorce a narcissist? · The Mental Healness Podcast

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  What is going on, beautiful people.
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  Today we're going to be talking about what it's like to divorce
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  or break up with a narcissist or toxic person.
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  If you're new here, my name is Lee Hammock.
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  I'm a clinically diagnosed narcissist here to help validate
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  you and help make life make sense.
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  Boom. That's my superhero landing
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  right there. I love the intro.
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  Yes y'all, yes yes yes. What is it like to divorce a
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  narcissist? So this video right here is
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  going to be helping people to prepare to divorce a narcissist.
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  If you're not. If you're not married to a
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  narcissist, you can still watch the video to make maybe help you
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  not marry a narcissist, maybe to help you, you know, leave a
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  toxic relationship or whatever you're in before it gets to
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  those steps. Because I always tell people,
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  just because this person is your husband or I mean, not your
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  husband, this person is your fiance.
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  It doesn't have to be your husband just because this person
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  is your fiance. It doesn't have to be your wife.
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  You know, because a lot, I would say a lot, a big portion of the
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  one on ones and the you know, the zoom calls that I do or the
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  people going through a divorce or a breakup by the narcissist.
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  Yeah, yeah, I talked to people who are, you know, who are
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  parent, who have parents that are narcissists or talk to
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  people or whatnot. But the, the big, the big
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  portion of people that I talked to are divorcing narcissists.
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  And this video right here is going to help you prepare for
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  that. You know, and it's just like if
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  you're dealing with a narcissist, right?
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  Most, I would say a lot of narcissists don't want to let
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  you go even if they have someone else.
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  Even if they have someone else. A lot of people in my comment
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  sections are like I can't wait till they find someone else.
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  That way they'll just give me the divorce.
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  Easy. No, just because.
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  Just because they get divorced from that, from just because
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  they break up with you or leave the marital home or whatever and
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  are completely enthralled with someone else doesn't mean that
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  they'll divorce you. They just it doesn't mean that
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  they will divorce you. Sometimes you have to force them
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  to divorce you. Y'all like sometimes, like if
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  they, if they don't show up at court or whatever, you can get
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  the judge to sign off on it or whatever.
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  But that's only if they are not signing up.
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  If y'all have multiple things together, if you have kids that
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  you can't agree on custody, if you have, you know, property and
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  finances and money and everything tied up together, you
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  know, and the longer you've been with this person, then probably
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  the harder it is to get divorced from them.
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  It it's just the way it goes. It's kind of like the deeper you
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  get into like the little spider web.
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  Yeah, I know, I, you know, a lot of times I describe narcissists
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  right, as like little, it doesn't sound stupid as like
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  little, little narcissistic spiders sitting there like
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  little black, little Black Widow, little narcissistic Black
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  Widow sitting in there with the little red hourglass or that
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  little, little toxic red hourglass on their butts on
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  their bottom side ready to snap you up.
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  So once they get you like in the web, they bite you.
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  They bite you, they're going to take a little, take a little
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  bite off of you and whatnot. And it happens to so many
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  people. So they don't want to let you go
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  if they like, you know, divorce. Marriage is a contract to, to,
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  to most people, Like marriage is based on love for most people,
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  right? But to narcissistic people,
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  marriage is a contract. It's like you sign this paper,
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  you belong to me. It's ownership.
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  I, I got your ownership papers right here.
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  What that what that sound like when I say ownership papers?
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  What does that sound like? It reminds you of slavery,
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  right? Because that's what that's the
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  mindset of a narcissist. I own you, you belong to me.
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  You're damn near my slave in marriage.
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  You're supposed to do what I say when I say what you know and you
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  don't get your your voice. They turn the they turn the
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  volume down on your voice like they turn it down slowly.
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  They turn the knob down on your voice.
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  In this relationship, this happens quite a bit.
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  So if you're dealing with a narcissistic, toxic ass person,
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  just understand that this is how it's going to go a lot of times.
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  Y'all, this is literally how it's going to go.
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  They are going to, you know, make it very hard for you to get
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  rid of them. Now, some of them will
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  absolutely, yeah, yeah, some of them will absolutely sign the
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  divorce papers just to be rid of you, right?
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  Because they might be ready to move on and immediately get
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  married to someone else, right? But there's a lot of them that
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  use this marriage as an ownership thing.
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  They're like even even if they've been cheating on you and
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  they leave you for someone else and even get engaged to someone
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  else, it doesn't mean that they'll let you go now.
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  Y'all, I heard stories from people.
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  I shared a video very recently of a story from a person like
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  she absolutely She's like he, he was cheating on her with a
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  person right? He was cheating on his wife.
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  He left his wife for this person.
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  They've been separated for three years.
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  Like she's moved on. He's engaged to the person he
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  cheated on her with and he's still refusing to divorce her.
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  He's listen to me, I'm saying he's engaged, engaged to this
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  new person that he left his wife for, but he's refusing to
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  divorce his wife because they don't really want to get married
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  to the new person. Sometimes they use your
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  marriage, they use your marriage papers as a reason to not take
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  the next step with this new person.
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  As long as I'm married to you, I have an excuse to not marry this
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  other person because I really don't want to do it.
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  And also as long as I'm married to you, I get to tell the new
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  supplier, the new person that you refuse to divorce me.
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  I look I can make them hate you without even meeting you.
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  Man. My whore ex-wife refuses to
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  divorce me. She don't even want me no more.
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  It's been years. She refuses to divorce me.
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  I want to marry you so bad girl. Girl I want to marry you so damn
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  bad. I just can't wait to get married
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  to you but I can't. It's bigot me.
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  I go to jail. I go to jail for that.
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  We married, we we look, we married in front of God, though.
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  We married in front of God. God, that's all that really
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  matters. We don't need no papers.
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  We don't need no papers. We don't need those.
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  We don't need no papier. We got God.
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  But that's the mindset of some narcissistic people, y'all.
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  They don't want to let you go because they they can see you as
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  a backup plan, but they can also keep them.
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  It keeps them from breaking, moving on from to someone else.
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  That happens a lot, y'all. It really does.
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  This is what is going to keep happening to a lot of people in
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  these spaces because they, they, they, they see it as a way to
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  trap you. Marriage is, like I said, not
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  only is a contract where they look at you as their marriage
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  slave, they also see it as a way to trap you and become
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  themselves, right. So once they get married, like a
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  lot of times once they get married, you start seeing their
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  true character, which is crazy, right?
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  Once they especially if y'all rushed to get married, y'all,
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  it's a whirlwind romance and you spun around a couple of times
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  you were married and pregnant or you got them pregnant so quick
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  and now they like, damn, I got, they got me.
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  Now you know they got me. They're going to blow my they're
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  going to blow me away in this situation right here.
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  So you have to deal with this person, y'all.
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  And I know it sucks What I'm telling people this because
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  they're like, damn, lady, like this is doom and gloom.
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  Yeah, yeah, it's doomy and gloomy.
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  This could, this can be a forewarning to somebody.
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  If you are watching my channel, if you follow my channel
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  diligently and you think that you are dealing with a
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  narcissist and you're engaged to this person and bout to get
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  married, this is a warning sign to some of them will make your
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  life hard as hell. They will.
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  They'll tie you up in court. They'll drain your funds because
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  lawyers ain't free. Unless you doing this pro bono,
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  lawyers ain't free. They're going to try to exhaust
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  your finances to get you to give in to what they want.
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  They'll refuse to show up to mediation.
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  They'll refuse to show up to court.
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  They'll just keep dragging you. They'll just keep dragging you
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  back and forth because in the end that benefits them.
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  It really does. It benefits them in the end to
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  keep acting like this, to keep behaving like this because they
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  want to keep doing this. They want their control.
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  They don't want to relinquish control over you.
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  They don't want to. Like a lot of times if I'm
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  married, marriage makes me, makes me look better.
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  Marriage makes me look and feel normal.
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  So a lot of times they don't even get married because they
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  love you. They get married because they
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  love themselves and they love the image.
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  They love the image that, that that being married portrays.
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  I'm married, I got kids, I got a good job, I'm married, I got
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  kids. It made me look good.
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  I make me like a, it makes me look respectable.
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  I'm a respectable man now, aren't I?
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  That's how it goes right there. Now I look like a respectable
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  man in this situation because of because of how things are going,
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  you know, and that's why I tell people right there, you have to
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  be, you have to understand that this is the inner workings of a
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  lot of narcissists and toxic people's mind.
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  Marriage is the finish line, not divorce.
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  Marriage is the finish line. They, a lot of them like to rush
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  to get married because it makes them feel empowered right there,
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  right. They want to rush to get married
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  because it makes them feel empowered.
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  It makes them feel strong as hell.
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  It makes them feel like they have a lot of stuff going on,
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  like they have a lot of things going for them.
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  It makes them look better to other people as well.
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  So marriage is the finish line. The quicker we get to marriage,
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  the quicker I can become myself, the quicker I can be me.
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  So that's what they do. They rush you to get married a
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  lot of times so they can become themselves.
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  They can be themselves, they can start doing things that they
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  themselves like to do. And that's why I tell people to
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  slow the hell down. Slow it down.
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  They want like y'all, marriage benefits the narcissistic person
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  a lot and they love it. I'm just telling you, they
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  absolutely love it. They absolutely love it to feel
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  like they're in some type of control over you.
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  It gives them power. It feel like it feels like it
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  gives them control as well. And This is why a lot of times
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  narcissistic people like marriage to them also guarantee
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  it kind of guarantees them in their minds that they won't be
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  alone. So This is why a lot of times
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  y'all, you will see a lot of times you'll see a narcissist or
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  a toxic person that's been married like 20 damn times.
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  Not maybe not 20, but like, like I talked to a woman very
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  recently, right? It was a couple years ago maybe.
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  And she was like, I'm wife #7 what, 7?
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  She was like, yeah, I actually, I only knew about two previous
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  ones. It wasn't until I filed for a
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  divorce and she did something when she had to look his name up
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  or something like that, and she realized that he had like six
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  other marriage license. She was like, I thought I went
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  from being wife #3 to #7 almost overnight and it blew me away
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  how he, how he would hide it from her.
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  Yes. And there, there's some toxic
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  women out there, like like little toxic Black Widow women
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  out there too, you know, and they will absolutely go through
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  this marriage game too, because it makes them feel safe and
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  secure in this relationship dynamic.
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  So that's why I tell people, y'all, just when you're dealing
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  with a narcissistic person that like I, I, I say this, you know,
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  I say this kindly don't marry that person if you know what I
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  mean, because it just gets bad, y'all, It just gets bad.
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  It gets harder to separate from this person.
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  It gets harder to get away from this person because they like to
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  be married. They like to, to lock you down,
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  you know, but are there some narcissists that do not want to
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  get married? Absolutely, yes.
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  There are a lot of narcissists out there who will tell you that
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  they don't want to get married because they don't want to be
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  locked down or tied down because that that allows them the
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  flexibility to not legally be dedicated to you and not legally
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  tie up their finances to you or what not, Not you know, they can
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  do. They can get in and out of your
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  life very quickly. They'll they'll tell you things
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  like, oh, marriage is just a piece of paper.
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  Why we need a piece of paper to show that I love you.
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  I love you physically. I clap them cheeks don't know.
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  I clap them cheeks don't know. You see what I'm saying?
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  But this, this is the type of stuff that they do to you.
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  So I'm just telling you, y'all in these spaces when you're
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  dealing with toxic narcissistic people, this is a type of
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  mindset that you have to have when you before you take those
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  next steps. Getting married doesn't make the
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  relationship better if it's already a rocky toxic ass
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  relationship while you were boyfriend and girlfriend or
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  fiance's or it just engaged, it's not going to be better when
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  you become a spouse. Getting married makes it harder
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  to get rid of the person and narcissists know that.
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  So when you're trying to divorce them or break up with them, like
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  if you file for divorce, man, they can lose their damn minds
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  and become extremely obsessive and dangerous and, and hawk you
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  down and stuff like that. Pop up at your job, pop up at
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  your work, you know, come, come to your church.
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  They'll, they might start going to church.
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  They'll make every excuse in the book to try to stay relevant in
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  your lives. They absolutely will.
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  So that's why I'm just telling y'all in these spaces, you have
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  to be prepared for it. You have to understand that
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  narcissistic people, they want to win and winning looks like
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  marriage to them. So divorce to them, to a lot of
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  narcissists out is a failure. They don't want to look like
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  failure. Just like marriage is a success
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  and makes them feel normal, divorce is a failure and makes
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  them feel ridiculed and they don't want to be ridiculed.
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  They don't want to their reputations to be hit in any
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  way, shape or form. So they try to keep you around
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  as long as possible, even if you are not happy.
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  We can just be roommates. We can just do this.
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  So that's why a lot of times it becomes very difficult for you
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  to get them out of your life because they feel like they want
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  to keep you here because of this right here.
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  So divorce and an artist, just be prepared for it.
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  Y'all be prepared for a battle. You know, brush up on your law
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  because like I say, sometimes they will try to try to legally
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  exhaust you before you file for divorce.
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  Go talk to a divorce attorney to see what your options are.
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  Let them know everything that you know to tell to get to be
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  prepared for because you want to be prepared as much as you
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  possibly can. This goes to the same with
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  breaking up with narcissists. You want to be prepared for what
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  they can do, what they think they're going to do, the stuff
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  that they, you know, the stuff that they perpetuate.
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  You have to be prepared for that as well because they will keep
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  doing this type of stuff because at the end of the day, this type
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  of stuff benefits them greatly. It absolutely does so think
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  about this type of stuff. Y'all make sure y'all subscribe
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  to the channel. I know I recorded this in a
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  little different way today. I got my camera and my mic and
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  stuff set up. I would just let me do it today
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  like this anyways. Y'all make sure I subscribe to
• 13:49
  the channel. If you haven't check out my
• 13:51
  courses in my support group. You see it scrolling across the
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  bottom of the screen. courses.mentalillness.net to
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  check out my courses in my support group.
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  We go we do private Zoom support groups every Sunday evening and
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  throughout the week. We do a couple times throughout
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  the week as well, in the mornings and the afternoons as
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  well. So check it out courses that
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  mental health net subscribe to the channel and it's always
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  y'all mental illness is out.