Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / Why narcissists hate when you have boundaries

Transcript

Why narcissists hate when you have boundaries · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  What is going on, beautiful people?
• 0:02
  Today we are talking about why narcissists hate your
• 0:05
  boundaries. Or hate when you set boundaries.
• 0:07
  Hate people with boundaries in general.
• 0:09
  If you're new here, my name is Lee Hammock.
• 0:11
  I'm a clinically diagnosed narcissist.
• 0:13
  And welcome to another episode of the Narcissist Code.
• 0:32
  Yeah, Welcome back, Welcome back.
• 0:34
  Welcome back. Y'all.
• 0:35
  Yes, yes, yes. Narcissists, toxic people,
• 0:38
  absolutely despise the fact that you have boundaries, that you
• 0:43
  set boundaries, that boundaries, or even that the word boundary
• 0:47
  even exists in the dictionary. Like, hate it, hate it, hate it,
• 0:51
  despise it. To the end.
• 0:53
  Yeah, I'm just, this is me just being real with you.
• 0:56
  Like, keep it hot. Keep it hot and ready like a
• 0:58
  Little Caesar's pizza. Like, hate it.
• 1:01
  But why? Why do boundaries set
• 1:04
  narcissists off so furiously? And no, not all narcissists
• 1:09
  rage. You do get the passive
• 1:11
  aggressive, covert narcissist that gives you the solid
• 1:13
  treatment. Because you set a boundary that
• 1:16
  ignores you. Because you set a boundary that
• 1:17
  just, you know, disappears and ghosts you.
• 1:19
  Because you set a boundary. You know because you know the
• 1:23
  main reason why? Because boundaries are control
• 1:27
  you. You having control boundaries or
• 1:32
  you having boundaries is a form of control for you, for the
• 1:37
  survivor, the victim, the thrive or whatever.
• 1:39
  Whatever position that you're in right now.
• 1:41
  Boundaries are a form of control for you, and Narcissist won't to
• 1:47
  have control damn near over every single thing that has to
• 1:50
  do with you. Damn near over every single
• 1:52
  thing that that is involved with you that you are involved with.
• 1:55
  They want control over every single thing.
• 1:57
  They don't want you to have any type of autonomy in the
• 1:59
  relationship or over your own life.
• 2:01
  So they like to have control. So when you have boundaries, you
• 2:04
  set boundaries. It sets them off.
• 2:07
  And people ask me, how do I get a narcissist to leave me alone?
• 2:09
  How do I stop attracting narcissists?
• 2:10
  Set healthy boundaries at the beginning It really is like a
• 2:15
  damn force field. A narc force field.
• 2:18
  A boundaries are narc force field.
• 2:20
  It's just like you bout to go out on the first date.
• 2:22
  You just like OK, this I met this person on Hinge or
• 2:25
  Christian Mingle or wherever right and you like oops I forgot
• 2:30
  my boundary spray. Take that bell up, Boundaries
• 2:32
  deodorant. Hit yourself underneath the arm
• 2:35
  right here. Boundaries look boundary.
• 2:38
  Ibuprofen Ibuprofen. Pop it.
• 2:41
  You know, throw some, you know, throw a little salt on it.
• 2:44
  Throw some salt over your shoulder, whatever it is in that
• 2:46
  space right there. But set those boundaries.
• 2:48
  Get ready to have boundaries in your purse or in your wallet.
• 2:52
  Get ready to pull out the Boundaries card when you need
• 2:55
  it, because it drives them away. Quick break Y'all.
• 2:58
  Sorry for the interruption. Want to make sure you hit that
• 3:00
  subscribe button? Turn on all notifications.
• 3:03
  Check out my courses and my support groups as well.
• 3:05
  And back to your video and the easiest, the most efficient
• 3:10
  boundary is only a. It's a 2 letter word.
• 3:13
  I'm going to let y'all guess. Type that two letter word in the
• 3:16
  comment section right now or say it out loud.
• 3:19
  I want you to say that if I don't even type it down, type it
• 3:21
  down and type it and say it's two letter word, it starts with
• 3:25
  an N and ends with O. If you think about it, you know
• 3:32
  what I'm saying? HLMNO.
• 3:37
  If you think about it, the word it's the word no.
• 3:39
  And the reason I got silent right there because I had, I had
• 3:41
  to do the alphabet really quickly and I had to do the
• 3:46
  alphabet really quickly in my mind.
• 3:47
  Because guess what? Y'all they teach you.
• 3:49
  Look, whoever put the alphabet together is teaching you your
• 3:54
  first boundary because the word no is in the alphabet.
• 3:57
  It's literally in the alphabet. It's MNO, it's NOP.
• 4:02
  It's them near Nope. Elvis.
• 4:04
  If he was right there, it'd be Nope.
• 4:05
  It is like Nope it it's the beginning of it.
• 4:08
  No, it's y'all. Your boundaries are in your
• 4:10
  alphabet. That's all like they're teaching
• 4:12
  you. Whoever created the alphabet
• 4:16
  would have boundaries in mind. Had had your first boundary in
• 4:20
  mind. You didn't even know it.
• 4:22
  You didn't even know it. N0N, 0P, y'all no is a boundary.
• 4:29
  Keep that with you at all times because narcissistic people hate
• 4:32
  the word no. Learn how to say it early and
• 4:36
  often. You don't have to say yes to
• 4:39
  every single thing in the beginning of a relationship.
• 4:41
  If you are uncomfortable with something, say no.
• 4:44
  I'm not comfortable with that because narcissists hate
• 4:46
  rejection and the word no is rejection damn near under almost
• 4:52
  under any type of circumstance. The word no is a form of
• 4:56
  rejection to narcissists. So if you just if you just
• 4:58
  breathe the word no, if you utter the word no, then just say
• 5:04
  it can set a narcissistic person off.
• 5:06
  So that's what me telling you is just learn how to use the word
• 5:08
  no because they can protect you. It can say if you can help you
• 5:12
  heal, they can help you grow. The word no is in your arsenal,
• 5:15
  so use it. Use it wisely.
• 5:18
  Use it. Use use it early and often
• 5:19
  because one of the biggest mistakes a lot of people make
• 5:22
  early on in the in the relationship is they don't.
• 5:25
  You want to say yes to everything because you want to
• 5:27
  be. You want to get this person to
• 5:28
  like you, right? You want this person.
• 5:30
  You want to be amenable to things.
• 5:31
  You want this person to, you know, I want this person to
• 5:33
  really like me. So you go above and beyond to
• 5:36
  get you know, you go above and beyond to get this person to
• 5:39
  like you, which is understandable, which makes
• 5:41
  sense in a lot of different aspects of things.
• 5:43
  It makes sense to get want this person to like you.
• 5:45
  So you say yes, but learn how. If you don't really want to do
• 5:48
  it, you don't have to do it. Say no early and often.
• 5:52
  You know, say no early and often.
• 5:55
  No is a boundary. I'm not comfortable with that.
• 5:57
  I don't like that. I really don't want to do that.
• 5:59
  That doesn't work for me. I'm not interested in doing
• 6:01
  that. I don't want to change my
• 6:03
  religion. I I I'm an ardent Christian.
• 6:06
  I look, I I grew. I was raised Muslim.
• 6:08
  I don't want to change the fact that I'm a Jehovah's Witness,
• 6:10
  whatever it is. Jehovah's Witnesses.
• 6:12
  Yeah, whatever your religion is, that's keeping your religion is
• 6:15
  the boundary. You can have different.
• 6:17
  There's different types of boundaries.
• 6:18
  Y'all there's so many different types of boundaries.
• 6:20
  There's, you know, there's physical boundaries.
• 6:23
  I don't like. You have physical boundaries
• 6:25
  like a damn fence around your life.
• 6:27
  Narcissists hate boundaries because boundaries are like
• 6:29
  fences. Narcissists are they have to
• 6:31
  jump. They have to jump fences or
• 6:33
  climb under fences or find a way through the gate or get you to
• 6:36
  open the gate to allow them into your life.
• 6:39
  That's why they hate boundaries. That's why they hate it, because
• 6:41
  it's hard. It's hard to work.
• 6:42
  It's more effort to get around boundaries.
• 6:44
  You you are high, they might look the fact.
• 6:46
  The matter of fact. If you have boundaries, they
• 6:49
  might call you high maintenance or too picky.
• 6:53
  Your standards are too high. When you have boundaries,
• 6:56
  somebody will tell you that you're high maintenance.
• 6:58
  That's crazy, isn't it? Isn't it?
• 6:59
  If you say no to something yo you too high maintenance.
• 7:01
  I don't want you anyway. You too picky.
• 7:03
  I don't want you anyway. Blah blah blah Boo Boo, BBB,
• 7:05
  whatever. Whatever it is, you know there
• 7:07
  are physical boundaries. You have boundaries in the
• 7:09
  bedroom. If certain things you don't want
• 7:11
  to do, you don't do it. Sorry, I'm not as flexible as I
• 7:15
  used to be. So I don't.
• 7:16
  The Kama Sutra doing the Kama Sutra, breaking out some of
• 7:20
  those positions don't make, don't I?
• 7:21
  I don't want to do that. My leg used to go behind my
• 7:26
  head, but now it just gets to my it can get here, but behind my
• 7:29
  head and wrapped into like, wrapped into a pretzel and spun
• 7:33
  around and dangled from the ceiling and prayed over and
• 7:37
  oiled up. No, you can say.
• 7:40
  You can say no. Seriously, you can have
• 7:43
  emotional and mental boundaries. They hate those as well.
• 7:46
  Y'all because they they feel like if you say no to something
• 7:48
  in the bedroom, that's a form of rejection.
• 7:50
  And then what? What they'll do is they'll
• 7:52
  they'll just make you feel guilty about it and then they'll
• 7:54
  think, well, you won't do it. Somebody else will.
• 7:56
  You know you won't do it. Somebody else will do it.
• 7:59
  You don't want to have an open relationship.
• 8:01
  I guess I got to go find somebody else to do it.
• 8:03
  Everybody else will do it because you just you're just
• 8:05
  boring. You're a fuddy Duddy.
• 8:07
  You're blah, blah, blah, you Boo, Boo, Boo, BBBBB.
• 8:09
  They'll make you feel bad and make you feel like they're going
• 8:11
  to do something else to you. You know they they absolutely
• 8:14
  will. They make you feel like they're
• 8:15
  going to hurt you in some way, shape or form.
• 8:17
  They're going to do something to you in some way, shape or form,
• 8:18
  like you're going to miss out on me.
• 8:20
  They try to violate your boundaries because boundaries
• 8:22
  are hard work. Boundaries take effort to get
• 8:24
  get across. They want people relaxed
• 8:26
  boundaries. So you you let like if you if
• 8:30
  you have boundaries originally, right.
• 8:32
  You're like your boundaries can be a damn 10 foot fence around
• 8:35
  your life. Right.
• 8:37
  But if you were the type of person that just did a drop your
• 8:39
  boundary because you find somebody attracted they love
• 8:41
  that or you don't kiss on the first Hey, sorry I have a
• 8:44
  boundary. I don't kiss on the first day.
• 8:46
  Oh I thought you liked me. Guess not.
• 8:50
  You know typically people kiss me on the 1st day.
• 8:52
  Whatever. I get it.
• 8:52
  I get it. I mean I get, I get you, you
• 8:54
  really like me. Whatever I guess.
• 8:55
  I guess I got you know been fun because I never see you again,
• 8:59
  right. And then y'all drop your
• 9:00
  boundaries because you you they got dreads or they they
• 9:03
  attracted to you. They have a nice set of cheeks
• 9:04
  on their body is banging whatever it is they got money
• 9:07
  whatever it is. I don't want to miss out on
• 9:09
  them. So you drop that that 10 foot
• 9:10
  fence that you had about not wanting to kiss on the first
• 9:13
  day. Now you don't dropped it.
• 9:14
  Now you set the precedence that all it takes is a little
• 9:16
  pressure for your boundaries to go down.
• 9:18
  You know, it's literally like the damn 3 little pigs.
• 9:21
  I've been the Three Little Pigs, 11 pig.
• 9:22
  One pig built this house out of straw, the other one built this
• 9:25
  house out of like dirt or sand or something.
• 9:27
  And then you got the one little pig that built this house out of
• 9:30
  bricks. The wolves eating the wolves got
• 9:33
  the hold of the little pigs that built their house out of straw
• 9:36
  and saying the mud or whatever. The one that had that brick
• 9:39
  house they couldn't get in there, that brick houses
• 9:41
  boundaries that they were just not willing to shake.
• 9:44
  You know, the the brick house was boundaries that they were
• 9:46
  not willing to lower. Their their their their effort
• 9:48
  on you. They make you raise their
• 9:50
  effort. Y'all.
• 9:50
  Raise your standards. Boundaries are higher standards
• 9:53
  a lot of times and some narcissistic people don't want
• 9:56
  to meet those higher standards. You know, no, I said you can
• 9:59
  have those boundaries in the bedroom, the physical
• 10:00
  boundaries, those emotional boundaries.
• 10:02
  I don't want to be yelled at. You know, you don't want to be
• 10:05
  yelled at. They don't do things, don't do
• 10:07
  things. Let me yell at you.
• 10:08
  You see how that goes right there.
• 10:09
  You know, I I order went over the religious boundaries.
• 10:12
  Don't let don't. You don't have to change your
• 10:13
  religion. Somebody tries to make you
• 10:15
  change your religion to be with them.
• 10:16
  Y'all these didn't really going to work.
• 10:18
  But they are they willing they not willing to do the same thing
• 10:20
  for you. You have the you've been an
• 10:21
  ardent member member of your religion for as long as or
• 10:24
  longer than them. But somehow you have to be
• 10:26
  willing to give yours up because yours is less important.
• 10:28
  Boundaries right there, you know you can't.
• 10:30
  Boundaries that right there. Financial money.
• 10:32
  Boundaries. I don't.
• 10:33
  I think we're overspending. Let's have, let's set that
• 10:36
  budget. Let's do this.
• 10:37
  Let's do that. You know they hate that right
• 10:39
  there. They want to be in control of
• 10:40
  the money. They want the control of the
• 10:42
  money in these situations. They want access to every single
• 10:44
  bit of money and control every single bit of money that they
• 10:46
  have. They hate when they don't have
• 10:48
  that control. That's the reason narcissists
• 10:50
  hate when you have boundaries, because when you have
• 10:52
  boundaries, you are the one in control.
• 10:55
  You are the one that has the power.
• 10:56
  You are the one that that runs the show right here.
• 10:59
  You are the one that writes the ship and whatnot.
• 11:01
  So I tell people right there, you know you can have all these
• 11:04
  boundaries and whatnot and you also the last but not least the
• 11:07
  one, the last boundary type of the last type of boundary I
• 11:09
  found online there could be more is time boundaries.
• 11:12
  They want to control your time. If they cannot control your time
• 11:15
  they hate it. And they hate when they're not
• 11:16
  in control of your time because they think that you're spending
• 11:19
  your time with someone else when they're love bombing you.
• 11:21
  And you they they they're trying to absorb every moment a moment
• 11:25
  of free time that you have and you like, hey, look I need some
• 11:28
  time to myself. Why I thought you like me.
• 11:29
  I guess you don't really like me then, do you?
• 11:31
  I guess. I guess you go.
• 11:32
  I hope you enjoy whoever it is you rather be spending time
• 11:35
  with. I guess I'm going to go find
• 11:36
  somebody else. Has been time with.
• 11:37
  They'll make you feel bad about having boundaries on your time
• 11:40
  and space and effort and energy out.
• 11:41
  You can have boundaries. Set boundaries.
• 11:44
  Narcissists hate boundaries. I'm telling you.
• 11:45
  I'm telling you right now that they hate boundaries.
• 11:48
  You want to get a narcissist away from you, Set a damn
• 11:50
  boundary. Well, Lee, I've been to people
• 11:52
  pleasing my whole life. Now is the time that your whole
• 11:54
  life ain't over yet. Your whole.
• 11:55
  When you say whole life, that means your life is over.
• 11:57
  It's not over yet. So right now, starting this
• 12:00
  point right now, get on Google. Google what?
• 12:02
  What is a boundary? How do I set boundaries?
• 12:04
  How do I get more comfortable setting boundaries?
• 12:06
  And then move forward from there.
• 12:07
  And I will tell you straight up right now, it's a lot easier to
• 12:10
  set boundaries and Dr. people away in the beginning than it is
• 12:13
  to try to set a boundary in the marriage that you've been in for
• 12:14
  30 years. Then it is to try to set a
• 12:17
  boundary that you've been in, a marriage or relationship that
• 12:18
  you've been in for 45 years, a friendship that you've had a
• 12:21
  boundary with your parent. You see with your parent, not
• 12:24
  with your kids or with your kids.
• 12:25
  If your kids are narcissistic, it's harder to set boundaries
• 12:28
  later on. It's it's easier to set the
• 12:30
  boundaries when the ground is soft.
• 12:32
  You see, It's easier to build that fence when the ground is
• 12:35
  soft. When the sea, before the cement
• 12:37
  sets, when you know how you when you the fence post, Yeah, they
• 12:40
  had to put the cement in the fence post.
• 12:42
  You had to put the cement in the ground.
• 12:44
  It's easier to set that fence post in that wet cement than it
• 12:47
  is to be to try to set it in dry cement.
• 12:51
  You know, in wet cement it goes right down.
• 12:53
  You have to push it a little bit and force it.
• 12:55
  Imagine trying to set a fence post in dry cement.
• 12:58
  You you want to see how difficult and impossible it is.
• 13:00
  Go take a go take a fence post and just go to the your your
• 13:04
  local your nearest sidewalk and start banging it on the ground
• 13:07
  and see how long it takes you to make a dent in it.
• 13:10
  It's a lot easier to set boundaries before the cement
• 13:12
  sets, you know. So stay empowered, make sure you
• 13:16
  like and subscribe to my channel if you haven't already.
• 13:18
  I'll help the channel out a lot. Y'all appreciate every single
• 13:20
  one of y'all and of course, but then this is out peace.
• 13:24
  Thank you so much for making it to the end of my video.
• 13:26
  You are a mental illness Rockstar and I appreciate you
• 13:28
  for being here. If you haven't already, make
• 13:30
  sure to click on the screen to subscribe to the channel and
• 13:32
  watch another one of my videos on my playlist.
• 13:35
  There's also a link available up here for you to purchase my
• 13:38
  kids. But remember, it's not your
• 13:40
  fault on Amazon so check that out.
• 13:42
  Thank you. I will see you in the next
• 13:43
  video. Peace.