Latest / High Level Wife Podcast with Chelsey Holm / For the wife who is unintentionally fighting AGAINST the wrong enemy

Transcript

For the wife who is unintentionally fighting AGAINST the wrong enemy · High Level Wife Podcast with Chelsey Holm

• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the High Level Wife Podcast.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Chelsea Holm, your hostess, and here we do marriage God's way.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: We are women who are tender, tenacious, and taking back territory that the enemy has stolen, especially in our marriage.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: So the issue isn't that you want your husband to grow, it's that you've quietly assumed responsibility for producing his growth.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: So yesterday we talked about what it looks like to war for your husband, but today I want to flip it.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because I said something that I don't want us to rush past, and that's that there are Christian wives who deeply love God and deeply love their husbands who are actually fighting against their husbands while believing they're helping them.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: So you're not out the gate trying to destroy him, you're trying to help him grow, right?
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: You're trying to help him become disciplined or help him lead or help him communicate better or help him become healthier, helping him walk more closely with God.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: Those are all good things, but somewhere along the way, helping actually becomes managing.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: And no man ever wanted to be managed, okay?
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: Encouragement became correction.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Who likes constant correction all the time?
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Influence became control.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: I would say that you know, influence and control cannot coexist, manipulation and control can coex coexist, domination and control can coexist, but not influence.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: And so, for many of you listening, you may not even realize that you're doing it.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: So the heart behind it can actually be good, and that's this is important because I'm not talking about some wife sitting around thinking, how can I control my husband today?
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's not usually what this looks like, right?
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: She loves him, she sees his potential, she knows what he's capable of, and she sees things he doesn't yet see.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: And because she loves him, she thinks that if I could just help him see this, or if I remind him, if I explain it differently, if I send him this podcast or point this out, if I challenge him enough, but good intentions don't automatically produce good fruit.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: So we have to look at the fruit.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Matthew 7:16, Jesus says, you will recognize them by their fruits.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: So we need to forget your intention for a second and actually look at the fruit.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: Does your helping constantly and consistently produce defensiveness, withdrawal, frustration, passivity, resentment, or your husband feeling like he's never enough?
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Or does he also feel studied or evaluated, corrected, parented, manages?
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Because if so, don't immediately defend your motive.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, we're we're forgetting our intention for a second.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, get curious about the fruit.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because control often wears really holy clothes, right?
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Control doesn't always sound like do what I say.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it actually sounds like I'm just trying to help or I'm concerned about your walk with God.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: I just know your potential.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: I want what's best for our family.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: Someone needs to say something, and if I don't, who will?
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just holding you accountable.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: And some of those things can be completely legitimate, but here's the heart question: Am I offering something to my husband or am I attempting to produce an outcome in him?
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where helping crosses into control.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, you are his helper, not his Holy Spirit.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Genesis 2.18 calls the wife Ezerkined go, a helper corresponding to him.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's powerful, necessary, strong.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: But helper does not mean manager or mother.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, it says that a man will leave his father and mother, right?
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: He's leaving his mother, not being joined to a new mother.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: A helper doesn't mean conscience or sanctifier or Holy Spirit.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Jesus says in John 16 that the Holy Spirit convicts.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's his job.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we are exhausted in marriage because we've applied for a position.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: God never gave us, and not even applied for the position.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: We just literally straight up took it.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: And here's what I want you to understand is that you can help your husband, but you cannot transform your husband.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: You can speak truth to him and encourage him, pray for him, pray with him, influence him, right?
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Invite him.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: But you cannot produce conviction, repentance, or transformation in another human heart.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Only God can do that.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: So what actually happens when we do try to transform or change our husbands?
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Well, we start watching him, tracking him, constantly monitoring through questions like did he do it?
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Did he remember?
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Did he pray?
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: Did he actually follow through?
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Did he listen to what I sent?
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: Did he change?
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: And so now, where is your attention?
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's on him, and it's not on God.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: You can't have your attention on your husband and on God at the same time.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: And we've talked endlessly about attention because what gets your attention begins getting your affection, your energy, your thoughts, and your worship, right?
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: What you focus on, you will find.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: And that directs the pattern of your life and creates the outcomes.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: So you can become so focused on your husband's growth that you've stopped tending to your own obedience.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: And your obedience isn't contingent upon your husband's obedience.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: You're responsible for your obedience.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: And Jesus gives us a very uncomfortable picture in Matthew 7, 3 through 5.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye?
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: But do not notice the log that is in your own eye.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Notice Jesus doesn't say the speck isn't there.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: It might actually be.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I would say it is, right?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: For all of us.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: That is one of the beauties of marriage is that we do have the ability, because we are closer than anyone else, to be able to see something that our spouse may not see, right?
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: But but your assessment of your husband, it might even be correct.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: But that's that's what makes this so challenging, because you might be right.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: He may need to grow and repent and be more disciplined or to change, right?
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: We all do.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: We're all being transformed, we're all being sanctified, right?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: We're in the sanctification process.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, it's not just one day you magically arrive.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like we're being can sanctified until Jesus returns or we die.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: So the question isn't, am I right about him?
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: The question actually is, am I obedient before God?
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where 1 Peter 3 gets really uncomfortable.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: 1 Peter 3, 1 through 2, Peter speaks about husbands who do not obey the word.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: So we're not talking about husbands already doing everything correctly, right?
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: What does Peter tell the wife?
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: More arguments or better explanations or more reminders, and then he'll finally get it.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: No, he says that they may be one without a word by the conduct of their wives.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: That's pure and godly conduct.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: So sit there.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because for the wife who uses words to manage outcomes, that's hard to hear, right?
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes your most powerful influence begins when you stop trying to produce the change.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Right, there was a time where I reached out to Tommy, the owner of High Level Husband, who brought me on to create and run a high-level wife.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I was expressing some frustrations to him about my marriage, and he didn't respond except to send me First Peter chapter 3.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I read it, and the Holy Spirit spacked me in the face.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Totally did, and it was so good.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: So understand that fighting him looks like constant correction or unsolicited advice.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: Just the other day, we had an example of this.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: That my husband uh was working from home for the day because he had uh an interview that was gonna be done on Zoom, which he couldn't do it at work because anyway, military stuff.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: But I was like, Zoom is my life.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like I use Zoom every day.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm using Zoom right now to to record this audio.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like I use Zoom multiple times every single day in so many different capacities.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: And so he was trying to get it set up because he had never used it before.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: And so I just I looked at him because I could sense his frustration.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: I said, honey, I said, I I understand Zoom.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Do you do you want my help or not?
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: And he was like, No, I can figure it out on my own.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, okay, great.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: I said, if if you do have any questions, this is something I do every single day, and I'm happy to help you, right?
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: And like it was just a simple like my husband doesn't want to be managed, and neither does your husband.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: They're not children, they hate it when we treat them like that, okay?
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: So it could be questioning his decisions until he changes them or monitoring his habits, right?
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Sending resources that he didn't request, right?
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: And doing it in a way that you know exactly what you're doing, right?
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's you're helping, but you know that you're not really because you're trying to change him.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we can send them resources that is very helpful to them.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: So you just have to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading those things, right?
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: Comparing him to other husbands or spiritualizing your preferences, right?
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: Churches do this.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: Churches do this.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: This is why there are so many so many denominations.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: But unity is the goal, unity is the standard, unity is what is required of us in marriage, right?
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: It starts with two becoming one, right?
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: In the church body, we are all being built into one body, the temple of the Lord, right?
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: So spiritualizing your preferences or using disappointment to motivate him withholding warmth until he performs, rehearsing everything he's doing wrong.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: Stop it, don't do that.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because then you're intentionally looking for it, taking responsibility for consequences that belong to him, right?
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: And this could also be managing his emotions when he needs to be uncomfortable and learn to deal with them on him his own.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like those are his emotions to learn to navigate and to manage and to take under the authority of Christ, right?
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: Call and control accountability.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: Let me just tell you, my friend, dear wife, you cannot be the one who holds your husband accountable.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, it puts you into an out-of-order position for both of you.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: Your husband needs strong, Christian, godly, fruit-bearing men to hold him accountable.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: So, on that note, pray and fast that God brings those men into his life and he's open to it.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: But perhaps the sneakiest is believing his growth depends on you.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: But fighting for him looks completely different.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, we go back to the episode yesterday.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: If if you forgot the nine points, but it's connecting before correcting, seeing him through mercy, praying more than you lecture.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: Please don't lecture at all, okay?
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: Just pray.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: Fast, encourage what God is growing in him, speak life to him, speak victory over him, ask before offering advice, right?
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: Ask if he actually wants advice.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: Let consequences teach what you cannot.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: Refuse to rehearse his weaknesses or past hurts.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: Take your fear to God instead of converting it into control, right?
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because most control comes from a root of fear.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Trust the Holy Spirit to convict and then get busy obeying God yourself.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like I just said, control is often fear trying to produce safety.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: And so this is where I want the wife who loves God to really examine her heart.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe that's you, right?
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: Underneath control is often fear.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: So it's this question of what happens if he doesn't change?
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: What happens if he makes the wrong decision?
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: What happens to our finances or our kids or marriages?
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: Our marriages, just marriage one.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: What happens if he never becomes who I know he could be?
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: So we grab the wheel.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever been in a car where you grabbed the wheel?
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like it doesn't maintain its trajectory, right?
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: It yanks and it jerks, right?
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's very dangerous.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: Don't do that.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: We call it helping, but surrender says, God, I trust you with a man I cannot control, with this man you have given me as a gift, with my counterparts, the one I am here to help, to meet him where he is.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: So we we trust him, we trust the Lord even here.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: So this is why yesterday's episode really does matter, because you have two choices when you see weakness in your husband.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: You can fight him in the flesh, which is our natural tendency, or you can fight for him with divine weapons.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: Nagging, manipulation, shame, control, criticism, those are all of the flesh.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: But prayer, fasting, faith, praise, truth, encouragement, surrender, those are entirely different weapons.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: So stop using fleshly weapons to try to produce spiritual transformation.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: We can't even do it in ourselves.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, we have to war in the spirit.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: The hardest part of this is fighting for your husband requires you to relinquish the outcome, and that's surrender.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: Lord, I will obey you, even if he doesn't change on my timeline.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: I will love without manipulating.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: I will speak when you tell me to speak, Father, and be quiet when you tell me to be quiet.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: I will encourage and not manage.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: I will pray and I will trust you with the result, and that's faith.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: Faith is the assurance of things not yet seen, the certainty of what we haven't witnessed, right?
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: So you need to ask yourself: take a little moment for a heart check here.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: Do I give advice my husband didn't ask for?
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: Do I frequently remind him of what he needs to do?
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: Do I monitor his spiritual or personal growth?
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: Do I become anxious when he doesn't do things my way?
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: Does my warmth change depending upon his performance?
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: Do I believe I know what God needs to do in him?
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: Girl, that's self-righteousness right there.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's got to be laid down at the feet of the cross.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: Do I spend more time thinking about his obedience than my own?
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: And the biggest one here is if I stopped managing him, am I afraid everything would fall apart?
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because the answer to that question is going to reveal where God is asking you to trust him.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: So go read Matthew 7, 1 through 5, and 1 Peter 3, 1 through 6, John 16, 7 through 15, and then ask yourself, Lord, where is my helping become controlling?
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: Where am I trying to do the Holy Spirit's job?
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: And that position has been filled.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: There are no more vacancies.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: What belongs to me in obedience, and what belongs to you, God?
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: Teach me how to fight for my husband instead of fighting him.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: So, dear Christian wife, my sister here, you don't have to stop wanting your husband to grow.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's a good thing, that's a godly thing.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: You do have to surrender your demand to be the one who makes him grow, and that's different.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: You have to see his potential, believe for him, encourage him, pray like crazy, fast, praise, speak truth when God calls you to speak love boldly, audaciously.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: But then you need to get your hands off the throne.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: You are his wife, you are his helper, his easer, not his holy spirit.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: And perhaps one of the most powerful ways you will ever fight for your husband is to stop fighting him long enough to let God do what only he can do.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: I will see you on the next episode.