Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1114 - How Many Times Do I Have to Tell You?

Transcript

#1114 - How Many Times Do I Have to Tell You? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:04
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Family's podcast.
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: once answers, Now.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: How many times do you find yourself saying? How many
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: times do I have to tell you? I'm on repeat?
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: I feel like I've just told you this. Why do
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: I have to keep on saying this? Get your shoes,
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: get your school back? How hard can it be? It's
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: one of those familiar scenes repeat it one way or
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: another across most days in most homes in Australia, that
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: slow semmer of frustration, where that simple request seems to
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: vanish into the ether and it's met with the selective
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: deafness that only a child seems to be able to master. Kylie.
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: Today on the podcast, we're talking about why repeating yourself
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: doesn't work and what to do instead, because repeating yourself
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: doesn't work. Repeating yourself doesn't work. Doesn't work, work work,
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: If you know what I mean, it's trying to be funny.
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: That was a really subdued piece of I'm trying. I'm trying.
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: Is it because it's a Monday? Is that the issue?
• 1:05
  Speaker 3: Maybe?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, maybe it just wasn't funny. I think that's what
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: you're saying. Hey, Kylie, let's talk about this, because kids
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: right don't love doing what they're asked, and it's pretty
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: easy to call them to find or inattentive or I
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: don't know, see if we can find a diagnosis for them,
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: because they just don't ever seem to listen.
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  Speaker 3: I remember what one of our children, we actually took
• 1:28
  Speaker 3: them to have a hearing test because we were convinced
• 1:31
  Speaker 3: that there had to be something.
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  Speaker 1: And this was back in the days. I don't know
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: what it's like in every other state, but in Queensland
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  Speaker 1: you don't have to pay for it anymore, I don't believe,
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: but this back in the days when you did have
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: to pay for it, we paid hundreds of dollars to
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: test their hearing and they said, oh, she can hear,
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: she just doesn't like what she's been told. I think
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: that was the same day that I had my hearing
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  Speaker 1: tested because you keep on saying that I am deaf,
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: and the hearing guy said your hearing is fine. Your
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: wife just needs to talk louder.
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And you were like, well, then your hearing isn't fine,
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: and I'm like, no, no, no, that boy's band together, Oh
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  Speaker 2: my goodnes So from a communication point of view, we've
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: got nine things to do to help the kids to
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  Speaker 2: get it, and to make mornings or day.
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  Speaker 1: Help instructions to be heard and ideally, ideally, if selllings
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: are appropriate, ideally to be followed.
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  Speaker 3: So the challenge we've got here is that I would
• 2:19
  Speaker 3: suggest that most parents expect that if there is no
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  Speaker 3: hearing challenge, I make a request, it's heard, and then
• 2:27
  Speaker 3: I want an instant action. I want an instant response.
• 2:31
  Speaker 3: I want an acknowledgment number one that they've heard it,
• 2:33
  Speaker 3: and number two that they will then go and do
• 2:35
  Speaker 3: what I've requested them.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: And that's kind of that's how psychologists would describe the
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: hearing process, right. It's a linear process. You work out
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: what you want to say, you say it, it comes
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: out of your mouth, the other person's brain is here
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: at brain interprets it, and then you get the response. Ideally,
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: they act, they do the thing that you've asked them
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: to do. But communication with children is different to that.
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: I mean, it's far more nuanced. A I'm going to
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  Speaker 1: sound all floury and poetic for a second. It's a
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: dynamic dance, Kylie. And it requires more than just the
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: sending and receiving and the encoding and the decoding, like
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: I just want to go back to mornings for a sec.
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  Speaker 1: You say to your child, I need you to put
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: on your shoes. Put in your shoes. Please go and
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: get your shoes, put them on. That's the opening move.
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  Speaker 1: So your child then has to receive the message and
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  Speaker 1: decode and understand what you're asking. And then they provide feedback,
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  Speaker 1: ideally with a nod or an okay, mum, or they
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  Speaker 1: just walk towards their shoes wherever the shoes might be,
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  Speaker 1: because who knows where they could be, and they start
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  Speaker 1: to put them on, and our job is to be
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: attuned to their feedback in case that's a problem. But no,
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  Speaker 1: it gets confusing because timing matters, what they're doing, how
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: they're feeling, what their agenda is. They're all factors on
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: how they receive the message. What's going on for us,
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  Speaker 1: The way we say it, the tone of voice, all
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  Speaker 1: of these things interfere with how the message is both
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: sent and received, regardless of how clear the woods actually are.
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  Speaker 3: One of our children, specifically, she really struggles if we
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  Speaker 3: sound hurried. Yes, she doesn't cope with the sense that
• 4:10
  Speaker 3: she's been moved on too quickly. She really likes things
• 4:14
  Speaker 3: to be calm. They need to be collected, and we
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  Speaker 3: need to kind of do things in a really even
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  Speaker 3: tone for her to respond positively. Our kids have so
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  Speaker 3: many different little nuances, so many different ways that they
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  Speaker 3: interpret the communication that we give them, and it's important
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  Speaker 3: that we are able to understand that so that we
• 4:35
  Speaker 3: can have better outcomes.
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: So today nine ways. We've got less than a minute
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  Speaker 1: for each of these things, so we need to go fast.
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  Speaker 1: Nine ways that you can help if your child is
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  Speaker 1: quite unquote not listening, so that you can shift strategies
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  Speaker 1: and engage in more mindful and collaborative communication practices.
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  Speaker 3: Okay, so number one, Number one, you've got to make
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  Speaker 3: sure you've got their attention to start.
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: With before you start speaking. Literally, so often we just
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: shouting things from one room to another room and expect
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: that that will be enough. And that's a major problem.
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  Speaker 3: This is something that I learned way back when I
• 5:08
  Speaker 3: was doing my childcare diploma, the acknowledgment that if I
• 5:11
  Speaker 3: want a child's attention, I actually need to get down
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  Speaker 3: to their level. I need to be in their space.
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  Speaker 3: It's imperative for effective communication.
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  Speaker 1: So I'm going to suggest four things to help to
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  Speaker 1: get there. No three things, just three things. Number one,
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  Speaker 1: say their name. So if there's some sort of naming,
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  Speaker 1: if there's a personalized invitation, if there's a clear signal
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  Speaker 1: that you're about to say something and you want their
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  Speaker 1: attention for it, the name is the best way to go.
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  Speaker 1: I'll say Kylie, and then you look at me, okay.
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  Speaker 1: And that's the second thing. Once you've said the name
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  Speaker 1: of the person that you want to talk to, press
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  Speaker 1: the pause button, give them a minute or a moment,
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  Speaker 1: give them a beat or a breath to disengage from
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  Speaker 1: whatever is that they're currently doing and shift their focus
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: to you. Eye contact is the signal that they're with you.
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  Speaker 1: Once you've met eyes, that's when you know you can
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  Speaker 1: continue as well. It's really helpful if you're not getting
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: the eye contact, or if they're not stopping what they're doing,
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  Speaker 1: or they've ignored you calling their name, gentle touch elbow, shoulder, leg, Hey, kiddo,
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  Speaker 1: you mention their name. You're touching them now and then
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  Speaker 1: they look at you, because there's that edit added level
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  Speaker 1: of making sure that you have their attention before you speak.
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  Speaker 3: Number two, speak their language.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. Essentially, keep it simple, keep it clear, keep it direct,
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  Speaker 1: keep it kind, and make it fun. And one thing
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: at a time. Did you like the way I gave
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: five things so that I could say one thing at
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: a time. Right at the end, So much information? I'm
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: so sorry.
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  Speaker 3: Number three, confirm understanding.
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  Speaker 1: Hang on a secon before we do that. This one
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  Speaker 1: also goes with the previous one, but it kind of
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: segues into confirming understanding as well. If you're going to
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: speak their language, I think that's really important that we
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: engage their thinking. So rather than just saying here's what
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: I need you to do, say to them, what do
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: you think we need to do before we leave? What
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: needs to happen before we can eat? So when you
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: ask them that question, not only you're speaking their language,
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  Speaker 1: but you're engaging them in thinking, and that confirms what
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  Speaker 1: they understand. So you might say what do we need
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  Speaker 1: to do? Or if you've told them, you can say
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: what did I just ask you? And I've done that
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  Speaker 1: many times. I'll just stand in front of our daughter,
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  Speaker 1: she's looking at one of our daughters. They're looking at
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  Speaker 1: me blankly, and I say, what do I just ask
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  Speaker 1: you to do? You're looking a bit lost, and I'll
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: say I have no idea, And the last one that
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  Speaker 1: I'd recommend here is just say to them, what are
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: you going to do first? Or when will you do that?
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  Speaker 1: Buy for things that aren't time sensitive, like the dishes
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  Speaker 1: every now and again instead of doing all in. One
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  Speaker 1: of the kids will say, Hey, I've got the dishes tonight,
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  Speaker 1: I want to watch an episode, or I want to
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  Speaker 1: listen to a podcast, or I want to talk with
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  Speaker 1: a friend while I'm doing the kitchen tonight, So I'll
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  Speaker 1: do it on my own. Love it when they do that.
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  Speaker 1: I appreciate time together, and I don't love that they're
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: on a screen. But sometimes it's just really nice to
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  Speaker 1: give everyone a break, and that child's happy to do
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: the kitchen, and so my conversation with them at that
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  Speaker 1: point will be when do you plan on doing it?
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  Speaker 1: Because I don't want to wake up tomorrow morning and
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  Speaker 1: discover that you just decided not to.
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  Speaker 3: Number four. Read the non verbal cues.
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  Speaker 1: This simply means paying attention to them. Like their body
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  Speaker 1: will tell you how they're feeling. Sometimes they don't need
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  Speaker 1: to communicate out loud. Their face, their shoulders, their movements
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  Speaker 1: will tell you if they're feeling confused or overwhelmed or
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: if they're resistant, and you can adjust Listen. Yeah, and
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  Speaker 1: you can adjust your approach accordingly by going back to
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  Speaker 1: number one and making sure you have their attention before
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  Speaker 1: you speak.
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  Speaker 3: Validate their feelings if.
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  Speaker 1: They're struggling to comply. We talked about this last a
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: week and a bit ago on Friday's Older Better Tomorrow,
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: when we're talking about our daughter wanting roadblocks and we're
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: not okay with that, and there was so much validation
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  Speaker 1: of her feelings that went into that. We talked all
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: about how much she missed her friends and how fun
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  Speaker 1: it is to be on those advices and on those
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: screens and on those games. There's a lot of validation
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  Speaker 1: going on. Don't you just wish that we could be
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: like all the other parents. Don't you wish that there
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: was a way that you could have more time with
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: your friends. I know, it's really hard to be in
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: this situation right now. It feels like it's just not
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: fair that validation does. Wonders when you've got a child
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: who doesn't appear to be listening or who is resistant
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: to what you're saying. You're not agreeing with them, you're
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: not acquiescing, you're not telling them that they can have
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: whatever they want or that they're even right. You're just
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: saying I get it.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, that idea that you've talked about plenty of times
• 9:34
  Speaker 3: about giving our children in fantasy what they can't have
• 9:37
  Speaker 3: in reality. In doing that, what you're actually saying is
• 9:40
  Speaker 3: I get it. I get that you want this, and
• 9:43
  Speaker 3: wouldn't it be amazing if you could. Just having someone
• 9:47
  Speaker 3: validate you in that way is so comforting.
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it feels good. Now you wanted to do the
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: next couple, So let me go through the ones that
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: you've gott down. I don't know if this one's a
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: bit targeting towards me or not, but you said as patience,
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: Thank you.
• 10:05
  Speaker 3: I think it's just really important for us to remember
• 10:07
  Speaker 3: our kids just kids. Yeah, they're learning, they're just they're
• 10:11
  Speaker 3: starting out in life and they're going to work it out.
• 10:14
  Speaker 3: But it's going to require a bit of patience on
• 10:16
  Speaker 3: our part. It's not gonna happen as quickly as you want.
• 10:18
  Speaker 3: It's not going to happen even as streamlined as you'd
• 10:21
  Speaker 3: like it too. But with time, patience, and a holy beloved,
• 10:26
  Speaker 3: these kids are going to work it out.
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: You saying that has actually reminded me of something that
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: I've been doing a bit lately. I don't know if
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: you've noticed. I'd love to get some kudos here if
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: you've seen it happening in my parenting workshops. I'll say
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: to parents, when you ask your kids to do something,
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: how long do you wait before you ask them to
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: do it again if they haven't done it? And most
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: parents will laugh and they'll be like, oh, like four seconds,
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: six seconds, something like that. I've been really practicing lately,
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: asking and then just waiting. Sometimes I stand and wait.
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: Other times I ask and then I say, I'll leave
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: it to you to get this done, and I'll walk away.
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: Have you known that I've been much more patient? You're laughing.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: I'm going to say that that is a no. I'll
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: keep on working on it.
• 11:05
  Speaker 3: No no, no, that's not what else?
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: But that was three nos? No no, no, oh, my goodness.
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: I'll practice give them a chance, is what I'm is
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: how I would add to your suggestion number seven. You
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: said the culture of respectful communication matters, and I loved this.
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: I could have talked about this one for ages, but
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: I love that you said this.
• 11:28
  Speaker 3: It's so important to foster open and honest communication in
• 11:31
  Speaker 3: your family, to create a safe space for everyone to
• 11:34
  Speaker 3: be able to express their thoughts and feelings, regardless of
• 11:37
  Speaker 3: the fact that it may go against everything that you've
• 11:39
  Speaker 3: asked them to do. It's important that they know that
• 11:42
  Speaker 3: they can say the things that they need to say
• 11:44
  Speaker 3: to work through whatever it is they're feeling.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: So the gen Xa in me when I hear the
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: term safe spaces, I kind of chafe and bristle because
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: there was an interesting of safe spaces when I come
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: on what's going on with it? And yet when I
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: think about how there are, unfortunately in all of our
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: lives and in mine and yours as well, there are
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: some people who when we're around them, we feel like
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: we have to hold back. We can't be our authentic selves.
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: We certainly don't have open and broad ranging conversations with
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: them because we don't have the trust. We don't feel
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: safe disclosing around them. And when you said that idea
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: of creating that culture of respectful communication and the safe spaces,
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: as much as part of me goes, oh gosh, it's
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: so peak twenty twenty four to talk about safe spaces,
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: I get it and I agree with it because while
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: we spend time with people sometimes that we don't know
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: that well or we don't want to disclose that much too.
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: They're still in our lives, and you can really tell
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: the difference when you're with somebody who you feel safe
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: with versus someone that you don't. And in our homes,
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: our children have got to have that, and when we
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: do that, we're much more likely to have an appropriate
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: give and take in terms of when you ask the
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: kids to do something and you don't get a response,
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: here's how we're going to deal with it.
• 12:58
  Speaker 3: When I think back to the conversation we had on
• 13:01
  Speaker 3: our I'll Do Better Tomorrow episode two fridays ago with
• 13:05
  Speaker 3: our ten year old daughter who wanted to have roadblocks,
• 13:08
  Speaker 3: there was this absolute, a surety in her mind that
• 13:12
  Speaker 3: she could share with us everything that she was feeling
• 13:15
  Speaker 3: and all the reasons why she should be able to
• 13:19
  Speaker 3: have it. But there was equal acknowledgment that while she
• 13:24
  Speaker 3: had come up with an impressive list, a brilliant list,
• 13:29
  Speaker 3: that at the end of the day, where her parents
• 13:31
  Speaker 3: and we feel like this is not the right decision
• 13:34
  Speaker 3: for our family.
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: It's that culture, that safe space we can talk about
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: stuff and figure stuff out together. Here, Yeah, all right,
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: two more, Kyle, you said, remember the power of connection.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: This is the heart of relationships, especially when things aren't
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: going quite right and the kids aren't listening.
• 13:48
  Speaker 3: Connecting with our kids on an emotional level. If they
• 13:51
  Speaker 3: know that they are seen, heard and valued, that they're
• 13:55
  Speaker 3: absolutely loved, they're more likely to respond to our request positively.
• 14:01
  Speaker 3: Is that simple?
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: And my final one, which is just my favorite, is
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: when you ask the kids to do something and they
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: don't listen, or they resist or they react. Number nine. Last,
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: but definitely not least, just do it with them. Yea
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: bedroom's too messy, go and do it with them. Can't
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: find their shoes, go and help them put them on.
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: What are you laughing at?
• 14:20
  Speaker 3: I'm laughing because I showed you a reel the other day.
• 14:23
  Speaker 3: A little maybe three or four year old have been
• 14:25
  Speaker 3: asked to clean her room.
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: I remember, yeah, I was thinking, where are you going
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: with this?
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: I remember she.
• 14:31
  Speaker 3: Was so excited to show her parents, and she's raced
• 14:34
  Speaker 3: down the hallway and her parents have got the camera
• 14:37
  Speaker 3: on her and she says, come come with me, and
• 14:39
  Speaker 3: they've turned the corner and in the hallway you cannot
• 14:43
  Speaker 3: see the floor. All of her toys are now in
• 14:46
  Speaker 3: the cloth. I'm sure everything from her room was in
• 14:49
  Speaker 3: the hall come and she walks into her room and
• 14:52
  Speaker 3: it is sparkling, and her mum says, nothing done. Is
• 14:56
  Speaker 3: such an amazing job. And she said, but guess what
• 14:58
  Speaker 3: now you have to clean the hallway and she says, no,
• 15:01
  Speaker 3: I don't want to mess up my room.
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: Diving in and doing it with the kids. We've done
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: this so many times with our children, when we ask
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: them to do something and it's just too big for
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: them right there in the moment, even if they've done
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: it before, even if they've got the capacity to do it.
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: Sometimes they're too tired, they're too overwhelmed, there's too much
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: other stuff going on. And you get in there and
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: do it with them, and you enjoy the time together
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: and they're happy.
• 15:22
  Speaker 3: To do it. If there was just feel so overwhelming
• 15:25
  Speaker 3: in that space. I can think about one hundred different
• 15:27
  Speaker 3: jobs that I have done multiple times in my daily
• 15:31
  Speaker 3: life as a parent, and some days it just feels
• 15:35
  Speaker 3: all too much.
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but when I get in there and help make.
• 15:37
  Speaker 3: The bed, yes, it's amazing. There we go.
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: Nine ways. Nine ways to deal with challenging moments when
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: the kids aren't listening, or when you're repeating yourself over
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: and over and over and over and over and over again.
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to repeat them all. There were too many.
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: But hopefully this was helpful and it's given you some
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: inspo for when you get home this afternoon and things
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: aren't quite right, or maybe this morning, when you finish
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: whatever it is that this morning you run, or whatever,
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: Hopefully things will be better so that you can have
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: growth and understanding and deep connection with your kids and
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: transform those challenging moments into something a whole lot nice.
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: Bridge Media. Tomorrow on the pod Answering your Questions. If
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: you'd like to submit a question, just go to Happy
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: Families dot com dot you. We've got this super simple
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: system to use. You scroll down to where it says podcasts,
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: You press the button and you start talking love answering
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: your questions, you can send them through any time. For
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: more about making your family happy and keep listening to
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: the podcast, check out our socials Obviously, Happy Families dot
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: com dot you