Latest / Badass Boy Mom. BABM. / #5 Mom is not your maid, bro

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#5 Mom is not your maid, bro · Badass Boy Mom. BABM.

• 0:13
  Bad Ass Boy Moms, hosted by Rachel and Megan Just us boy moms keeping it relatable but raw Sweet and spicy And messy but meaningful While educating the masses Entertaining the sasses And empowering The bad asses.
• 0:35
  Mama's not your maid, bro.
• 0:38
  Yes, Mom.
• 0:39
  Mom, I don't have any clean clothes.
• 0:41
  I'm hungry.
• 0:43
  Ah, we are trying not to be our kids' maids, cooks, chauffeurs.
• 0:49
  I mean, it's, it's kind of what you have to do in the early days, but this episode's all about chores or let's just give it a grander name, responsibilities.
• 0:58
  Shared- Shared shared family responsibilities- Thank you.
• 1:02
  Yes Rachel, is what I would say Yeah, what's it like in your house? What are, what are...
• 1:07
  Where's this land when we talk about- Oh, man shared responsibilities, Megan? You know I'm a perfectionist, so I want it all done right now perfectly.
• 1:14
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:15
  And that's not, um, a reality.
• 1:17
  So I'm coming to grips with that- Mm-hmm on h- giving them more, independence and not expecting them to do how I would do it, perfectly.
• 1:26
  It's all training, growth and training along the way until they're launched and then they can clean the bathroom if and when and how they want to at their own place.
• 1:35
  There's a bare minimum here.
• 1:36
  It doesn't have to be perfect, but it has to be clean.
• 1:38
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:38
  I think for, for me it was if you can do it, you're gonna do it, right? And I think sometimes we don't even realize how capable our kids are and- Oh, they're so capable.
• 1:50
  You've done a really- Ugh good job at teaching me that.
• 1:52
  You have- Mm empowered your boys from a very, very young age.
• 1:55
  Super.
• 1:56
  And I love it.
• 1:56
  Like, what am I doing making the dinner, cleaning the table, putting things in the dishwasher, getting the laundry, when my kid's, at age two, could carry a little laundry basket or carry some items in their hand over to the sink or put the spoons in the dishwasher? So from the earliest age, if they are capable, they can do it.
• 2:15
  They can.
• 2:15
  There's your motto, ladies.
• 2:17
  Like, help them because I joke with my kids a lot, unless they wanna live with me forever, which they're like, "No, no," they will be if I do everything for them.
• 2:25
  They will be incapable in life, and our goal, and I know you agree with me, Megan, is, we're raising outstanding, amazing young men that can go out into society and be productive- Strong- and live independently.
• 2:36
  Yeah, strong, capable, confident, contributing men of society.
• 2:40
  Ooh, I like that.
• 2:41
  Say that again.
• 2:41
  Strong, capable, confident, contributing men- Boom of society.
• 2:46
  Boom.
• 2:46
  Contributing.
• 2:47
  You contribute by doing things.
• 2:48
  Yes.
• 2:49
  By setting the table for dinner, by taking your plate over, rinsing it in the sink, and loading it in the dishwasher.
• 2:56
  Don't just set it on the counter.
• 2:57
  Mm-hmm.
• 2:57
  I'm not your maid, bro.
• 2:58
  Mm-hmm.
• 2:59
  Hey.
• 3:00
  Well- Okay, so what does this look like? You, I wanna bring it back to you.
• 3:03
  You started at a young age training- Mm-hmm teaching your boys, brainwashing them, essentially.
• 3:08
  Mm-hmm.
• 3:08
  This is how you do- Mm-hmm how we do family here.
• 3:11
  What does that look like? We each belong.
• 3:13
  We each play a part.
• 3:15
  We each need to really early on talk about the ownership we have in, in the meal, in raking the yard, in cleaning the house.
• 3:24
  It's that ownership piece.
• 3:25
  And so from the beginning, I would say some of the simplest chores is, let's just say as a toddler, were, like I said, loading the dishwasher.
• 3:32
  It's at their level physically, and I hand them spoons to put in or, something obviously that's safe that they can put in.
• 3:38
  So you would rinse the spoon- Mm-hmm then it'd be a little wet in their hand, then they would take it and you'd say, "Okay, put it right there."
• 3:43
  Yeah, yeah.
• 3:44
  So you tell them what to do and then they do it.
• 3:46
  Yeah.
• 3:46
  And so I think one of the strategies early on was, "I'll do it first.
• 3:50
  I'll show you where the spoons go."
• 3:52
  Then we can do it together if we have a whole handful of utensils that we're gonna put in all the little slots in the dishwasher.
• 3:58
  And then you do it.
• 3:59
  I'm gonna walk away or I might turn my back and be, almost be pretending to be like, "Well, I'm gonna be up here doing something on the counter," and see if my kids can do it independently.
• 4:07
  If I do not let them, release them to be independent, then we're just stuck with, kids that are like, "I can't do it, and you need to show me, and we need to do it together."
• 4:15
  Nope, you can do it.
• 4:16
  Encouraging, empowering.
• 4:18
  You got this.
• 4:18
  Coming back around and going, "Look, you did it."
• 4:21
  Good job.
• 4:22
  Mm-hmm.
• 4:22
  So all of those things.
• 4:23
  I remember when my kids, maybe were four and six.
• 4:26
  Or I, let's keep with the toddler ages.
• 4:29
  If they were still two and four, it was the two-year-old that could reach the lower level of the dishwasher, the four-year-old that could reach the higher level, right? Mm-hmm.
• 4:37
  Some differentiating.
• 4:39
  Um, it's fun.
• 4:40
  I think we've all done this.
• 4:41
  I did it when I was little.
• 4:42
  You pull the chair up to the sink, and they learn how to rinse off the dishes.
• 4:45
  And they're, you know- Yep getting their hands in it.
• 4:48
  And maybe they're handing me the dishes and I'm putting them in the dishwasher, just so they can feel that this is a teamwork thing.
• 4:53
  This is how we work together as a family.
• 4:55
  It's shared responsibilities.
• 4:57
  Well, and my plate didn't just magically get dinner made on it.
• 5:00
  The plate was cleaned, dinner was placed on it and brought to me.
• 5:03
  It doesn't- Mm-hmm this isn't like wizardry where you can just clean things- and make things.
• 5:07
  Like, there's a- Yeah a method to the madness.
• 5:10
  There's ways things happen, and so they have to learn and be taught how it happens.
• 5:14
  And I think routine is so valuable at an early age.
• 5:17
  We've said this before in earlier episodes, the one about transitioning from summer to fall, and how routine is something that we do over time consistently, and it creates habits.
• 5:28
  Mm-hmm.
• 5:28
  And then now you and I are full-grown adults that are able to clean up after ourselves and make a meal and do all these things because it's habit.
• 5:36
  So at this point, my 15 and 18-year-old know instinctively- Mm-hmm habitually how to finish a meal, get up, bring the plate over to the the sink, wash it off, put it in the dishwasher.
• 5:46
  Like, it's all there.
• 5:47
  But mamas, we start young.
• 5:48
  We start at that toddler age- Mm-hmm right? Of teaching these really small microsteps to get to the bigger gentlemen we're trying to raise.
• 5:55
  So what are some other chores, shared responsibilities early on in those, like, toddler years would you say that you helped your kids just get close, just starting with? Well, very basic, picking up their rooms.
• 6:05
  Mm-hmm.
• 6:05
  'Cause I can pick up a room like nothing flat.
• 6:08
  But, oh man, these kids are slow.
• 6:10
  So it's building in the time and slowing down and being intentional.
• 6:13
  They need to learn how to keep their rooms picked up.
• 6:15
  They should be putting their dirty clothes in their hamper.
• 6:18
  Mm-hmm.
• 6:18
  Right? Mm-hmm.
• 6:18
  And like you said, maybe dragging the hamper to the laundry room.
• 6:20
  But at the very least, they can know that their dirty clothes glow, go in the hamper.
• 6:24
  Mm-hmm.
• 6:25
  And they can put their toys away in a toy bin- Yes or in a drawer or, put all the colored pencils in the sleeve and close it.
• 6:33
  There's very basic things just for personal ownership.
• 6:37
  Yes.
• 6:38
  Ownership of maybe their individual items in their room, but also ownership of the space we share.
• 6:43
  If we're in the family room and their Legos are everywhere, it's not only taking care of the Legos, but then other people wanna use that space.
• 6:50
  So being respectful of, "I'm gonna keep it clean so other people can come in here and do a puzzle, or play a game on the floor, or just be able to walk without-" Mm-hmm stepping on those Legos.
• 6:58
  Oh, those are so bad.
• 6:58
  We've been there.
• 6:59
  That hurts.
• 7:01
  You make me think of something else.
• 7:02
  I really like outdoor chores 'cause I love being outdoors.
• 7:05
  Mm.
• 7:05
  So either weeding, but then they sometimes don't get the roots.
• 7:08
  But just the outdoor pickup.
• 7:09
  I would give my kids a trash bag and be like, "Okay, your job is outdoor pickup."
• 7:12
  Mm-hmm.
• 7:13
  And they would go around and find pieces of trash, or we live on a golf course, so it'd be like golf ball pickup or pine cone pickup.
• 7:18
  We have a bunch of pine trees, and it's no one likes stepping on Legos or pine cones.
• 7:21
  Yeah.
• 7:22
  So we would do that.
• 7:23
  Dog poop.
• 7:24
  That is another great one because we love the dog and we have to feed the dog.
• 7:28
  Mm-hmm.
• 7:28
  The responsibility of having a dog is picking up the poop, too.
• 7:30
  Mm-hmm.
• 7:30
  And they can put their hand in a little glove or a little baggie and pick it up.
• 7:33
  Mm-hmm.
• 7:34
  Put it in the bag.
• 7:35
  So those come to mind.
• 7:37
  Probably past the toddler years, all that's kinda what- Yeah.
• 7:40
  But it can start so young, right? Yes.
• 7:41
  Picking up a pine cone when you're two year old.
• 7:43
  Yes.
• 7:43
  Two years old can start young until all of a sudden one day you're doing all the yard maintenance in your house.
• 7:47
  Mm-hmm.
• 7:47
  So there's kinda, those in- inside cho- chores or shared responsibilities.
• 7:51
  There's the outside.
• 7:53
  But then, we're talking to the masses that might also have, like- urban, like what we, urban chores that we do in and around the city versus rural.
• 8:01
  I mean, we've got family members, we've got cousins, people that we know that are growing up on farms.
• 8:05
  They've got a whole nother set of shared responsibilities if there's more animals, more pets- Oh, yeah more things outside of the home when it comes to gardens, crops, you name it, right? Mm-hmm.
• 8:14
  Um, but from our experience- Seasonal and- Yes early morning things.
• 8:17
  Seasonal too.
• 8:18
  I mean, we got everything from raking leaves to shoveling snow, right? Mm-hmm.
• 8:22
  Um, so I think in those early days it's just the basics of everything from being a part of meal making, which is something we surround our lives in in this culture, but setting tables, helping get food out, getting groceries from the car, bringing them inside.
• 8:35
  Yes, yep.
• 8:35
  Those are easy in those younger days.
• 8:38
  The home cleaning, maintaining that space, not just from picking up, materials but then actually cleaning.
• 8:44
  Like, giving your kid the paper towel and spraying a little Windex on the window, and they're over there wiping the bottom half of the sliding glass door.
• 8:51
  Oh, the hardest to reach- I can do the top.
• 8:52
  Yeah.
• 8:53
  But they, as they grow, they work their way from the lower level jobs to the physically, higher level jobs.
• 8:59
  Things like- Yep sweeping or vacuuming.
• 9:02
  Mm-hmm.
• 9:02
  When kids can push those items around, they start doing those things.
• 9:05
  So again, I think those toddler years are just about you modeling it, showing them, "This is how I do it.
• 9:10
  This is how we can do it together," and then, "This is how you can do it," and then you can encourage them.
• 9:16
  So that strategy is just like I do, we do, you do.
• 9:20
  How about the elementary age years, Megan? What are some other maybe, shared responsibilities that you added into your family's chores or dynamics? Hmm.
• 9:28
  Elementary.
• 9:30
  Well, laundry.
• 9:32
  Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
• 9:32
  My, my kiddo, when he was...
• 9:34
  How old was he then? He was- Gosh, well, 12, he was, he was in charge of his and his brother's laundry.
• 9:40
  Mm-hmm.
• 9:40
  So I had a white bin and a black bin in the- Mm closet.
• 9:44
  Mm-hmm.
• 9:44
  And the boys, whomever's closet it was, were in charge of taking their clothes off and putting the white ones in the white bin, the black ones- The darks and the lights, yeah.
• 9:50
  in the darks and the black, yeah.
• 9:52
  Dark and light, and then the big boy is, you know, you have the cup that you squirt the detergent in- Mm-hmm and then you pour it in, and then you- Love it you know, make sure all the socks are turned the right way and so he did the family laundry.
• 10:05
  He would get paid 20 bucks a week to do his and- Mm his brother's laundry.
• 10:08
  Oh, we gotta land on allowance.
• 10:09
  We're definitely gonna talk about that.
• 10:10
  I think about my college-age kid right now.
• 10:12
  I'm like, "Good thing he knows how to do his laundry right now, otherwise he'd be without clothes or he'd be the stinkiest kid on campus."
• 10:18
  So right, these are these lifelong skills.
• 10:20
  I think in elementary you also just kinda up the game a little bit.
• 10:23
  So instead of, clearing the table, maybe at that age they're starting to help meal prep next to you.
• 10:29
  Mm-hmm.
• 10:29
  They're cutting things on the counter.
• 10:30
  They're buttering the bread.
• 10:31
  They're learning how to use a stove.
• 10:33
  That's when my kids started to learn how to make macaroni and cheese and simple meals.
• 10:36
  But then as a family, again, if I'm right there and I'm modeling it, how we make a meal together, then one day, hopefully, they're gonna be living on their own, making their own meals- Yep and not just eating fast food.
• 10:46
  I remember as a kid, I was in charge of the salad every night.
• 10:49
  Oh, okay.
• 10:49
  So I'd chop up the romaine- Mm-hmm or tear up the little twigs off the end of the spinach- Mm-hmm chop the tomatoes, shred the carrots.
• 10:56
  My dad always liked onion and bell pepper, so I would slice those and kind of place that around the side.
• 11:00
  Mm-hmm.
• 11:00
  Like, my job was the salad every night.
• 11:02
  Mm-hmm.
• 11:03
  Love that.
• 11:04
  Yeah.
• 11:04
  I think that in your elementary age, probably just leading up to those teen years, they also gain a little more pride in, "This is how I want my desk and my room to look, and so I'm gonna make it a little neater.
• 11:14
  I'm gonna take responsibility for it.
• 11:16
  I care about certain items that I wanna have washed in the laundry."
• 11:19
  And it's more now turning into some personal responsibility for my toys, my items, my things, versus that, still, gotta keep talking about the family dynamic- Mm-hmm and how we all work together to keep the entire house clean and things that help the entire family unit out.
• 11:36
  Um- I think that's a good point, Rachel.
• 11:37
  I just wanna inject, I think the family unit, a family unit that lives together must work together.
• 11:42
  Mm.
• 11:43
  Mm.
• 11:43
  That's the whole point.
• 11:43
  We don't just get to live.
• 11:45
  Living requires work.
• 11:47
  Yeah.
• 11:47
  And so that's, that's what we're teaching.
• 11:49
  And- It's not just an easy ride.
• 11:50
  No.
• 11:51
  Well, and it helps us remain connected.
• 11:53
  We do this together as a family.
• 11:54
  It keeps us balanced.
• 11:56
  Mm-hmm.
• 11:56
  It keeps us connected.
• 11:57
  I mean, there's good research showing that order, bringing order to our mess of our lives- and is calming.
• 12:06
  Yeah, yeah.
• 12:06
  Right? If life is crazy all the time, like, we need order.
• 12:10
  Calms our nervous system, keeps the family running smooth.
• 12:13
  I mean, there's tons of benefits to that.
• 12:16
  Yeah, and speaking of order, this is also the elementary age years when they take that ownership of their room or their space, but like making their bed, right? Toddlers- Yes can't quite do it.
• 12:25
  Maybe you're teaching them how to pull a blanket on something.
• 12:28
  They say in the Army or the military that- why they encourage, uh, cadets or first years to learn how to make their bed right off the bat is because it's the easiest thing to say you've already reached a goal.
• 12:41
  First thing in the morning.
• 12:42
  First thing in the morning.
• 12:42
  Right out of bed.
• 12:43
  You're, 30 seconds, you already reached a goal.
• 12:44
  And if you just put goals and goals together, you're gonna go really far every day, right? Versus you wake up, you half-hazardly stumble out of bed, and your bed's just a mess.
• 12:52
  And I, personally don't like coming back to a messy bed.
• 12:54
  I like coming back to, this neat, ordered room- Mm-hmm and, and space.
• 12:58
  So helping them just learn how to make their bed.
• 13:01
  Also I think during this time period of, elementary age is when we can do some more, like, group chores or group- Mm shared responsibilities.
• 13:09
  Mm-hmm.
• 13:09
  We're all gonna take a Saturday afternoon to rake all those leaves that have been piling up.
• 13:13
  Yeah.
• 13:13
  And one person's raking them out of the rocks, and the other person's raking them out of the grass.
• 13:17
  And then one person's shoveling them into the, the garbage can.
• 13:20
  And so it's a group effort all at one time that we're all kind of, again, have a goal in mind.
• 13:26
  We're working together to get there.
• 13:28
  Mm-hmm.
• 13:29
  Absolutely.
• 13:30
  I think there's seasonal thing, you know, the planting.
• 13:33
  You- Mm had your garden with the boys, growing, planting vegetables, flowers, you know, all those different things come with the season, and just- Yeah getting dirty together.
• 13:42
  Yeah.
• 13:43
  There's some memories that are- built and remain strong in our head- Mm-hmm by doing things together, and specifically just getting dirty.
• 13:51
  Mm-hmm.
• 13:52
  I don't know what it is- You're right about dirt, but- There's- there's something connecting about that.
• 13:56
  It just keeps you grounded in the earth, right? The earth's heartbeat and everything.
• 13:59
  Uh-huh.
• 13:59
  You're right, Megan, though.
• 14:00
  I did, a landscaping project in the front of my house with my boys, and we had to dig here.
• 14:04
  We had to lay the dirt here.
• 14:06
  We had to put the rocks there, and that was, like, multiple weeks of work.
• 14:10
  Oh, man.
• 14:10
  Um, but it did, it was bonding.
• 14:12
  We were all really proud of the end result.
• 14:14
  Mm-hmm.
• 14:14
  Some of these shared responsibilities, "I did a really great job making my bed.
• 14:17
  I did a really great job cleaning that window."
• 14:19
  There's also some pride in doing work and seeing the outcome, right? Absolutely.
• 14:24
  I mean, that is the huge overall win there's lots of small wins along the way.
• 14:29
  Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
• 14:30
  But having personal pride and ownership in something- Mm-hmm that you've contributed to is huge.
• 14:36
  Here's one tip I wanna share, I learned really early on, is we used to, let's just say we were out for the day, even just at a soccer game, or we went away for the whole weekend.
• 14:46
  And we used to, pull up into the driveway, open all the doors.
• 14:49
  Everyone would get out- Oh and there would be, like, a scattering.
• 14:51
  All chaos breaks loose.
• 14:52
  Yes.
• 14:52
  And I'm like, "Wait, wait, wait.
• 14:53
  Come back here and get your stuff out of the back end," and they're already inside playing, or they're in the backyard, or somebody's hungry.
• 14:58
  And what I learned was five to 10 minutes before we drove into the driveway was, we're gonna reset.
• 15:06
  We've had a great vacation.
• 15:07
  We've had a great outing.
• 15:08
  We've had a great soccer game.
• 15:09
  Wherever we came from, we're kinda wrapping that up, and we're resetting.
• 15:13
  Okay, in 10 minutes, we're about to be home.
• 15:14
  Let's think about everything we need to do.
• 15:16
  So and so, I need you to get these things- Mm out of the back end.
• 15:19
  The other kid, I need you to do this.
• 15:20
  And we start to plan, some expectations.
• 15:22
  And trying to keep it simple, like, "I need you to do these three things.
• 15:26
  Someone needs to let the dog out, someone needs to start the laundry, and someone needs to, bring the boxes in."
• 15:31
  Yep.
• 15:32
  And then, here's the other tip.
• 15:34
  Don't just let them go do those three things and keep going because inevitably, we walk in the house and we're like, "Oh, I forgot to get the mail.
• 15:41
  I need to water the plants."
• 15:42
  Mm-hmm.
• 15:43
  And then there's a list in our mom heads that are like, oh, I can see 100 more things we need to do.
• 15:47
  So what I taught my kids was, after you do those three things, you're gonna come back to me and say, "What else?" Circle back.
• 15:54
  Uh-huh.
• 15:54
  "What else, Mom?" Until I look around and I go, "All right.
• 15:58
  You did walk the dog.
• 15:59
  You did go get the mail.
• 16:00
  You did all these things.
• 16:01
  I don't have anything else.
• 16:02
  You guys can go play now."
• 16:03
  And that is a lifelong skill that they- Oh, that's huge still do to this day.
• 16:08
  If I say, "Hey, guys, I just pulled in the driveway with groceries in the back.
• 16:11
  I need you to stop whatever you're doing, come out and help me."
• 16:14
  Inevitably, we did not go to soccer practice, we didn't just come home from a weekend, but I'm just asking them to help me.
• 16:20
  They will now, after unloading the groceries, look at me and go, "What else?" It just has become a habit.
• 16:24
  And I'm like, "Well, great.
• 16:25
  Now that you're standing in front of me, can you go get the mail from the mailbox?" So well trained.
• 16:30
  Good job, Rachel.
• 16:31
  Winning.
• 16:32
  She is winning.
• 16:33
  Uh, not always.
• 16:34
  Remember, I'm telling you I learned the hard way.
• 16:36
  You know, there's, there's so many things that we can empower them to do.
• 16:39
  Oh, yeah.
• 16:40
  I mean, just back to the grocery example.
• 16:41
  It's one thing to, like, go out, bring all the groceries in.
• 16:44
  Don't let them just dump them on the counter and go off and play.
• 16:46
  Mm-hmm.
• 16:46
  No worries.
• 16:47
  Now you're gonna start assigning.
• 16:48
  "I need you to take these four boxes and stick them in this cupboard, and you're gonna undo these cans of pop and put them in the fridge."
• 16:55
  And so keep taking less work on yourselves, Mom, and distributing.
• 17:00
  Mm-hmm.
• 17:00
  Like, allocating.
• 17:01
  We're allocating our jobs to our mini society we have in front of us.
• 17:05
  That's so good.
• 17:05
  Um, another thing I would add, though, that at this stage, I kind of said it and I wanna circle back around to it, is if I'm pulling in the driveway or if I have a list of things in my head I want my kids to do, that can just be so overwhelming.
• 17:17
  So I said it, just break it down to three things.
• 17:20
  "I need you guys to do these three things."
• 17:22
  Some kids can only handle one.
• 17:24
  Mm-hmm.
• 17:24
  Do one thing and come back to me.
• 17:25
  Mm-hmm.
• 17:25
  Do another thing and come back to me and check in with me.
• 17:28
  A trick I really like, though, is when they're like, "But I wanna go play," or, "I wanna go call my friend," or, "I just need a break."
• 17:35
  First, then.
• 17:36
  That's the trick.
• 17:37
  First, we unload the groceries, then you can play.
• 17:41
  Or maybe it's, first, we're gonna unload the groceries.
• 17:44
  Then we're gonna put them in the cupboard, and then you can play.
• 17:48
  Don't make that sentence any longer than what I just said.
• 17:50
  But first, then, helps kids compartmentalize, and it actually puts the carrot in front of the horse.
• 17:55
  "Oh, I know you wanna play.
• 17:57
  Awesome.
• 17:57
  I'm gonna use that to my advantage and go, 'If you wanna play, first help out with XYZ.'"
• 18:02
  Whatever the, the- Task is of the day You are a genius.
• 18:07
  I love that.
• 18:07
  First, then, all right, I'm stealing that.
• 18:09
  I'm stealing it.
• 18:10
  I find myself just doing so much- Mm-hmm because I like it done my way- Mm-hmm the right way, the first right way.
• 18:17
  And so I need to employ that more.
• 18:19
  And I think all of us moms, we carry so much- Mm-hmm and we need to, let that slide down, like- Mm-hmm offload it.
• 18:24
  Mm-hmm.
• 18:24
  Exactly what you're saying.
• 18:25
  It's so good.
• 18:26
  My, um, my ex-mother-in-law said when her kids couldn't do something perfectly, she would do it for them.
• 18:34
  Mm.
• 18:34
  And I think- Yeah, we don't want to do that that could come back to bite all of us.
• 18:38
  So- Yes as much as I'm like you too, Megan, I want it to be done, and I want it to be done well.
• 18:43
  The elementary age especially is the year of, or the years of it's not about perfection, it's about habit.
• 18:50
  So if they can just- Mm get into the habit of making their bed and it's not perfect, you have to trust the process that one day they'll just get better at it.
• 18:56
  Or th- that's when you can start perfecting it.
• 18:58
  Later, when it...
• 19:00
  Right now, it's just the habit.
• 19:01
  Great, you made your bed.
• 19:02
  And you're kind of like, "Oh my gosh, this is the worst job ever," in your head, but keep it in your head and just- just honor the fact that they are getting into the habit.
• 19:10
  Yes.
• 19:10
  The habits are really important at these, at these ages.
• 19:13
  Um, okay, how about teenagers? We both have some teenagers.
• 19:16
  Yeah.
• 19:16
  What are some added responsibilities into- Ooh the teenage years? My big boy, he's got upgraded to the mopping and- Okay sweeping.
• 19:23
  Mm-hmm.
• 19:23
  So he does all the floors in the whole house.
• 19:25
  Mm-hmm.
• 19:25
  So once a week he sweeps, he vacuums, and he mops.
• 19:29
  Mm-hmm.
• 19:29
  All upstairs, all downstairs.
• 19:31
  Mm-hmm.
• 19:31
  Now, the middle boy does all the laundry, and the little boy does the trash, takes out all the house trash and puts it in the trash can in the garage and then rolls that to the curb.
• 19:39
  Mm-hmm.
• 19:40
  And then he also puts away all the clean dishes.
• 19:42
  Awesome.
• 19:43
  When the, um, the dishes are done, I guess.
• 19:45
  Yeah.
• 19:45
  And then the- Unloading the dishwasher.
• 19:47
  Un- that's what I'm trying to say.
• 19:47
  Yeah.
• 19:47
  Yeah, not just the silverware.
• 19:48
  Yeah.
• 19:49
  'Cause when they're little- it's like, just, your job, just do the silverware.
• 19:51
  But now he does it- Mm-hmm all, which is great.
• 19:53
  Mm-hmm.
• 19:53
  And the things he doesn't know where they go or can't reach, he just leaves on the counter for me.
• 19:56
  Perfect.
• 19:57
  Yeah.
• 19:57
  So I think we toggled things around.
• 19:59
  The big boy used to do the laundry, and now he can do the floors.
• 20:03
  Mm-hmm.
• 20:03
  So now the middle boy does laundry.
• 20:04
  Mm-hmm.
• 20:04
  Yeah.
• 20:05
  So it kind of trickles down through the kids.
• 20:06
  And I feel you're building on the previous tasks.
• 20:10
  When they were meal prepping with you, now we have teenagers that will make the whole meal.
• 20:14
  Mm-hmm.
• 20:15
  I'm like, "Sweet, you make it this time."
• 20:16
  And sometimes then they get to pick.
• 20:18
  Give them a little control.
• 20:19
  What would you like for dinner? Then you make it for everybody.
• 20:21
  Right.
• 20:21
  And you might just- Okay, quick.
• 20:22
  Huh? Quick, quick story.
• 20:23
  Okay.
• 20:24
  Okay, about making food.
• 20:25
  So my youngest, who is 11 now, he came up to me the other day.
• 20:28
  He goes, "Mom- I need you to teach me how to make cheeseburgers.
• 20:32
  Mm.
• 20:33
  Hmm.
• 20:33
  Okay, sure.
• 20:35
  Why, like, where'd this come from? I wanna be able to make my kids cheeseburgers when I'm a dad.
• 20:39
  I wanna make the best cheese burgers for my kids when I'm a dad.
• 20:42
  Love that.
• 20:42
  Melted my heart.
• 20:44
  Love that.
• 20:44
  So we'd been saying it for a couple days, and so I got all the ground bison, and, he wants American cheese, 'cause that's like the In-N-Out cheese- Mm-hmm or the best, melty cheese.
• 20:51
  And so I showed him how we make, we get the ground beef, let's put some spices in it.
• 20:56
  We smash it all up with our hands.
• 20:58
  Love it.
• 20:58
  His li- you know, his hands are so, I mean- Mm-hmm he's 11, but they still seem really small to me 'cause I have huge man hands.
• 21:03
  So we're smashing it all up, and then we're putting it into balls, and then we're- Love it patting, smashing it down.
• 21:08
  And then we go outside.
• 21:09
  We have, flat cooktop outside, so then he's flipping 'em, and it was so fun, the ownership, that he came to me with a request- taught him the skill, like, but he did it.
• 21:20
  You know, very much stood by and let him do it.
• 21:22
  Mm-hmm.
• 21:23
  And it was so cool.
• 21:24
  So you talk about meal planning and prepping.
• 21:26
  Mm-hmm.
• 21:27
  They see us doing it, and then this guy, just jumped right in with the meat.
• 21:30
  Passed, didn't even do the vegetable cutting or the orange peeling or anything or whatever, you know? He's like- Dude, he's already out barbecuing in the backyard "Oh, look" He's 11.
• 21:37
  cooked burgers."
• 21:38
  Yeah.
• 21:38
  Love it.
• 21:38
  And that just thrilled me.
• 21:39
  Yeah.
• 21:39
  And he was so proud of them.
• 21:41
  Mm-hmm.
• 21:41
  And he shared them with the family and the brothers, and, it was really special to see him- But, Megan, you met him where he was at instead of saying, "No, no, no.
• 21:48
  You're only at the level of making macaroni and cheese."
• 21:50
  No, if you wanna make the burgers, let's go there.
• 21:53
  Mm-hmm.
• 21:53
  My son around that age was, like, obsessed with salmon and rice.
• 21:57
  Ooh.
• 21:57
  And so when all the other kids only knew how to make macaroni and cheese, he knows how to make a salmon on the grill and rice.
• 22:04
  And that was, like, his...
• 22:05
  Great.
• 22:05
  If that's what you love- That's amazing go for it.
• 22:07
  You can stretch yourself those are the responsibilities you wanna learn because one day you wanna have healthy meals.
• 22:12
  Mm-hmm.
• 22:13
  Awesome.
• 22:13
  Mm-hmm.
• 22:13
  That's awesome.
• 22:14
  I would say, in the teenagers, the cooking, even home maintenance, they can screw screws.
• 22:19
  They can pound nails.
• 22:20
  They can even do car maintenance.
• 22:22
  You know, my kid turned 16- Mm-hmm and he's either learning how to change the oil, washing the car, vacuuming the inside of the car.
• 22:28
  I even, once the tail light went out, and this mama, yeah, this badass mama, taught him how to change the tail lights in his car.
• 22:35
  Yeah, you're badass.
• 22:35
  It was like, we don't have to go pay someone to go do this, and maybe there's not someone else in your life that's gonna do it, so I will help you.
• 22:43
  Yes, yes.
• 22:43
  When, on that note, we restained the deck here in Colorado.
• 22:46
  You know, you kind of- Mm have to do a lot of exterior maintenance.
• 22:49
  Mm-hmm.
• 22:49
  And the boys, can I jump to allowance for a minute? Let's go there, yeah.
• 22:53
  Okay.
• 22:53
  So my boys each get an allowance for their chores, and then this I got the stain and the brushes and everything, and they each had a different portion of the deck to do.
• 23:02
  Okay.
• 23:02
  And it wasn't extra.
• 23:04
  "You're all doing this based on how big and- Mm-hmm how quick you can work.
• 23:08
  You got a certain allocation, a portion of the deck."
• 23:11
  And there was no extra payment for it.
• 23:13
  Mm-hmm.
• 23:13
  Um, some people would say when you do these extra above and beyond things, you get a extra 5 or 10 or 20 bucks or whatever.
• 23:19
  But I was like, "No, you already get 20 bucks a week for whatever your chore is."
• 23:23
  Obviously, the oldest gets 20 and then it tapers down a little bit, 'cause their chores- Mm-hmm they don't need as much money and their chores are less.
• 23:29
  Mm-hmm.
• 23:29
  But the working together with them staining the deck was really cool.
• 23:32
  And the ownership, 'cause it's really visual.
• 23:34
  The other things- kinda just come and go.
• 23:38
  Mm-hmm.
• 23:38
  But the deck- Mm-hmm like, you see it every day and it's right there, and the leaves are falling on it now, and, you know- Yes people come to the house.
• 23:43
  It's just really, I think there's a lot of pride in ownership in that.
• 23:46
  Strong before and after, yeah.
• 23:48
  So we do allowance a little different than you guys do, and I know that, there's just all these variations.
• 23:53
  I know parents that are like every task has its 25 cent, 50 cent, payout, and then they can earn- Mm-hmm up to X amount each week.
• 24:00
  I do allowance based on what grade they're in.
• 24:03
  So if they're in eighth grade, they get $8 a week.
• 24:05
  If they're in 10th grade, they get $10 a week.
• 24:08
  Partly because I was raised by a financial planner that said they need money in order to learn how to handle it.
• 24:13
  And so early on we did a save, take your money And some portion of it needs to be in the save, it's usually 10%.
• 24:19
  A share, which means you're gonna donate it- Mm-hmm so another 10% for share.
• 24:24
  S- support a good cause.
• 24:25
  Yeah, and then we talk about those causes and where do you wanna donate your money this week or, this month, or you can save it up and then donate it, in a big lump chunk.
• 24:32
  And then the spend, where, you have the 80% left to spend on your items, but then we talk about that.
• 24:37
  And I think early on in episode one we talked about how my boys saw both of their piggy banks with their little save, share, and spend categories, and they dumped both their piggy banks into the ground and they shared all their money together like an old married couple, but Love it I will say that, though, you mentioned it, sometimes there is a baseline amount no matter what every week, and then there's above and beyond.
• 24:57
  I think the only time I've ever paid my kids to do an above and beyond task was when I asked my 18-year-old to basically detail my car and, clean every little orifice on the inside.
• 25:08
  Um, but back to finances and whether paying them or not, there's obviously pros and cons to- Yeah allowances and, and the chores that are around it.
• 25:16
  But what I think in my family has happened with my boys is that they s- they felt like w- the habits that were created, the skills they learned at home were transferable and almost it wasn't natural.
• 25:31
  I'm sure there was something that I can't see now, but it felt very natural for them to, learn how to shovel snow, and so then they looked across the street and they said, "I'm gonna go see if they want me to help them shovel their driveway and ask for $10."
• 25:45
  And they bloomed as these little entrepreneurs that then they learned- Oh, your boys are so creative in making money so it's not always like, "Oh, we have to tell them that every job they do in this house is worth money," but they kind of instinctively started to learn that, like, "Oh, hard work pays."
• 26:01
  Mm-hmm.
• 26:01
  And so they did their own little lawn mowing service in the summer.
• 26:04
  They did a, whenever it snows, they start door-knocking the street- Mm-hmm to make money.
• 26:08
  And, the lemonade stands, they knew if we worked hard and we sold this thing, then we could get money.
• 26:13
  Mm-hmm.
• 26:13
  And my 15-year-old even started a little hacky sack club at school and made hacky sacks, learned how to do it off of YouTube, took out my old sewing machine, made hacky sacks, and is selling them.
• 26:25
  Like, it's, this is the long-term benefits of not just allowance and learning money, but then chores and shared responsibilities, then create the society we have today.
• 26:35
  Yeah.
• 26:35
  Economics.
• 26:36
  Yeah.
• 26:36
  101.
• 26:37
  Absolutely.
• 26:38
  Starts with us mamas.
• 26:40
  Mm-hmm.
• 26:41
  Um, yeah, I think, in all, we've kinda touched on everything.
• 26:45
  You mentioned earlier picking up poop, though.
• 26:47
  Yes.
• 26:48
  What's your thoughts about pets? Like, I think that's- Oh an easy one in the beginning- Oh, pets are a- for chores great way to teach responsibility.
• 26:55
  Yes.
• 26:55
  You know? Yes.
• 26:56
  I- I feed you.
• 26:57
  Yeah.
• 26:57
  Your animal needs to be fed.
• 26:58
  Mm-hmm.
• 26:59
  Oh, you wanna drink water or milk at dinner? Mm.
• 27:01
  Well, your animal needs fresh water.
• 27:03
  Mm-hmm.
• 27:03
  So I think that's huge.
• 27:04
  And on whatever scale you think you can handle it, moms.
• 27:07
  Mm-hmm.
• 27:07
  Like, I am not about a fish tank.
• 27:09
  That's way too much work for me.
• 27:10
  So we did hermit crabs.
• 27:11
  Okay.
• 27:12
  They need, like, nothing.
• 27:13
  Mm-hmm.
• 27:13
  Like, I think it was, pellets and a water- a bowl of water- Mm-hmm and, a dry fish tank that they lived in.
• 27:18
  Mm-hmm.
• 27:19
  And- And we have a dog and two cats, and I think that I just grew up with dogs and some cats.
• 27:24
  And so it was just fun, not only for the other benefits of pets and having those unconditional love, furry family members around us, and the playfulness, but then with that is the ownership and the responsibility and cleaning up after them and feeding them.
• 27:38
  And, you know, I even say to my kids- And the dog, that's walking.
• 27:41
  Yes.
• 27:41
  You know, that's taking them out.
• 27:42
  Exercising them.
• 27:43
  I mean, caged or small reptile creatures versus, like- Mm-hmm mammals.
• 27:46
  Mm-hmm.
• 27:47
  And I've even said to my boys, "You're coming with me to the vet."
• 27:50
  This isn't like they just mysteriously get better- Mm-hmm or take medicine.
• 27:52
  I want you to see the full circle about how we take care of other things, not just inanimate, plates and dishes, but live, Exactly things that depend on us- Exactly for life.
• 28:02
  We do so much for them behind the scenes that they don't see.
• 28:04
  So I think a lot of this actually boils down to letting them be a part of the real world.
• 28:08
  Mm.
• 28:09
  You don't get buffered from the vet appointments.
• 28:11
  You don't get buffered from cleaning the house.
• 28:14
  You don't get buffered, you don't just show up at the kitchen table and there's food.
• 28:17
  Like- Yeah.
• 28:17
  Yeah you get to be a part of the real world.
• 28:19
  The real world's hard, and we work hard, and we get great- Yeah pride and ownership from the outcomes of our hard work.
• 28:25
  So Mom, Mom is not your maid, bro.
• 28:28
  Not your cook, bro.
• 28:29
  Not your chauffeur, bro.
• 28:30
  And I think one thing I wanna kinda, land on also is if we want independent kids, we shouldn't make the chores or responsibilities gender specific.
• 28:40
  If I only taught my kids or showed them responsibilities that were more the culture accepted as gender specific, they m- might be on their own one day not knowing how to do the other half.
• 28:53
  Oh, girl, we are badass women, and we teach them all the things.
• 28:56
  Yep.
• 28:56
  You're gonna cook.
• 28:57
  Boys and girls.
• 28:58
  You're gonna clean.
• 28:58
  You're gonna do the laundry.
• 28:59
  You're gonna learn how to change the oil on the car and mow the lawn and plant the flowers and plant the garden.
• 29:04
  Like, w- there's no discussion.
• 29:06
  How to remove stains, how to get blood out of the carpet.
• 29:09
  Yes.
• 29:09
  With boys, we got lots of blood on the carpet all the time.
• 29:11
  That's not a female's job.
• 29:12
  That's a man job.
• 29:13
  Just joking.
• 29:14
  It's everybody's job.
• 29:15
  It's everybody's job.
• 29:15
  It's a shared responsibility.
• 29:19
  Five key takeaways for you to remember.
• 29:23
  Start them young and build habits early- It's not about perfection so we don't have to undo them later.
• 29:29
  It's not about perfection, it's just about habits.
• 29:31
  Yep.
• 29:31
  A family that lives together gets to work together.
• 29:35
  I think that's an honor, a good thing.
• 29:37
  It's not "We live together so we have to do this."
• 29:39
  You get to work together.
• 29:40
  A simple strategy to empower them rather than enable could sound like, "First this, then that," as Rachel mentioned.
• 29:47
  That was huge.
• 29:49
  Um, and then teaching the kids to come back and say, "What else? What else, Mom?" Make chores gender-neutral and age-appropriate.
• 29:57
  And allowance teaches money management and entrepreneurship, which is the big goal, for them as adults.
• 30:03
  'Cause I love how Megan said it a couple times throughout the episode, but what we're doing here, ladies, is we're raising strong, capable, confident, contributing men to society To the masses And the sasses Keep being badasses