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The Group Chat Reacts · What Tha Group Chat Say

• 0:00
  Vonnie: Welcome to What the Group Chat Say, the podcast where the group chat.
• 0:03
  Finally got a mic.
• 0:05
  We're three friends in our forties talking about life, friendships, relationships, and everything we didn't see coming in this decade.
• 0:12
  I'm Vonnie here with Keya and Drea, and on today's episode where we're reacting to content and our viewers questions, we have all the opinions today.
• 0:23
  First up is this Instagram reel sent to us by one of Keya's best friends.
• 0:28
  Hardest part about loving somebody for real.
• 0:32
  What?
• 0:34
  You gotta let 'em see the part of you that you're still fixing.
• 0:46
  drea: So you have to be vulnerable.
• 0:48
  Keya: I think when we first got the video to be discussed, we said hell no.
• 0:55
  It depends on,
• 0:58
  drea: If they're worth it,
• 0:59
  Keya: rights if they're worth it, and how unfinished are those
• 1:04
  drea: but I think what I'm saying, like is it worth it?
• 1:06
  Like are they worth me dealing with them?
• 1:09
  Keya: Right?
• 1:09
  Absolutely.
• 1:10
  drea: then also, okay.
• 1:11
  Which also makes it, am I worth it to them to deal with them?
• 1:15
  You know what I'm saying?
• 1:16
  Yeah,
• 1:16
  Vonnie: if it's on them.
• 1:17
  drea: you're right.
• 1:18
  Vonnie: depending on your age, like, 'cause we were saying in our twenties for sure, right?
• 1:23
  Because we're all still baking.
• 1:25
  but what is the part that's unfinished?
• 1:26
  Like, are you still out there in the streets?
• 1:29
  No, I'm not at this.
• 1:30
  A I'm not doing, no, you, you what?
• 1:32
  I mean.
• 1:32
  If you're still, you know, you
• 1:35
  drea: But I mean, what's out there in the streets?
• 1:37
  Because remember I got accused of that.
• 1:40
  Vonnie: right?
• 1:40
  Of being out there in the streets, but that's different to everybody.
• 1:46
  So what is your limit and.
• 1:49
  where are you drawing the line?
• 1:51
  So for you and your situation, right, that person didn't want, they basically wanted you to be in the house, but that wasn't ever what you presented to them.
• 2:00
  So they're gonna have to say, is that worth it?
• 2:03
  Well, you're still working through any of that, but you would always be like, how you're saying, and even our first episode, like you had changed on, if people are inviting you out somewhere and you can afford to do it, then you're saying yes.
• 2:17
  And that you going out on a whim was an issue.
• 2:20
  That's a,
• 2:21
  drea: Right, and
• 2:22
  Vonnie: incompatibility.
• 2:24
  But if you're
• 2:25
  drea: I think not to cut you off, but you're right because is that really out, like you said before, is that really being considered out on the streets because.
• 2:34
  I'm not clubbing, but if my friends invite me to brunch or something.
• 2:37
  Right.
• 2:38
  Is is that considered out on the streets?
• 2:40
  Vonnie: that's what I'm saying.
• 2:41
  Keya: I wouldn't.
• 2:42
  drea: I don't either.
• 2:43
  Keya: so.
• 2:43
  But if you out there doing, like coming to America, I wanna sew my, Royal Oats, hell no.
• 2:49
  Like go and finish.
• 2:51
  Do that,
• 2:51
  Vonnie: do that.
• 2:52
  Keya: do that,
• 2:53
  Vonnie: Do that.
• 2:54
  Keya: I'm good.
• 2:55
  Vonnie: Yes.
• 2:56
  'cause there is guys still out there our age, who are out there and still hanging out at, college parties.
• 3:03
  Like, get your life together.
• 3:05
  I think,
• 3:07
  Keya: And that's real.
• 3:08
  'cause my son, right?
• 3:11
  Because my son definitely is the one like mom, you should see these older men still out there are coming to their frat parties.
• 3:21
  Like don't they got wives and kids like what they still doing here with us?
• 3:26
  So absolutely Bonnie, like if you still out there trying to find the pretty hot and tempting thing, then go ahead boo.
• 3:34
  'cause I'm not the one for you.
• 3:36
  And like we discussed in Dre's episode, baby, I ain't got time for gel.
• 3:42
  I don't.
• 3:44
  Vonnie: Yes.
• 3:44
  If you're still on that, I don't care if you're still on probation, if you're still checking in, I don't wanna deal with that.
• 3:51
  If that's still your thing.
• 3:52
  Some people may be cool with it, like that's fine.
• 3:54
  but if you're still being rehabilitated in that area of your life, for me, I'm saying no.
• 3:59
  So that's why we were saying depends on, are you still working on, some people anger management draws the line, right?
• 4:06
  Like, so what's your, this is too far.
• 4:08
  Drea.
• 4:11
  drea: I guess internally I'm laughing because remember Mr. Missed opportunity said that I'd be in the streets too much.
• 4:17
  But really, I was going to brunch, I was going to like little social events for like my friend's birthdays or, you know, maybe, going out of town real quick or going to a play or to a concert, and it was like, oh, you be in the streets.
• 4:32
  But what I feel bringing in the streets is like if I'm clubbing and going to a bar all the time.
• 4:38
  So I guess I'm going, I don't know.
• 4:42
  I think this is a good question.
• 4:44
  'cause like I think if we talk about like flaws or what they need to fix, in my mind, what was I really doing?
• 4:53
  You know what I mean?
• 4:54
  And in that person's mind, that was like too much.
• 4:57
  So that's, incompatibility like, or is it I'm gonna mold or is he gonna wait for me to mold you know what I mean?
• 5:05
  So I guess that would be a good example of kind of like this situation, is somebody worth, like am I worth that to them?
• 5:15
  Or if they worth me, looking at it like, oh, maybe I could stay home a little more, but I feel like if I stay home then you should be hanging out with me.
• 5:23
  So I don't know.
• 5:24
  Keya: facts because if I'm staying home, then your ass better have something planned for us day in and day out.
• 5:31
  'cause I don't like to be in the house and you know this.
• 5:33
  So yeah, I agree.
• 5:39
  Vonnie: Yeah.
• 5:40
  And what's yours, Keya?
• 5:41
  What were you not dealing with anymore?
• 5:43
  Keya: Okay.
• 5:44
  What am I not dealing with?
• 5:47
  non-communication.
• 5:49
  If you cannot communicate properly, I'm not dealing with it.
• 5:54
  Use your words, learn how to communicate what it is that you need, you want.
• 6:03
  if you can't do that, I don't have time to play guessing games.
• 6:07
  Because of all that I've been through, I've had to learn to clearly Say what it is.
• 6:17
  I will and I won't accept.
• 6:19
  So if you're coming into this and you cannot communicate, nah, we not gonna work.
• 6:25
  I, I can't,
• 6:27
  drea: so just to play, devil's advocate, I hear what you're saying.
• 6:30
  'cause communication is mine too.
• 6:32
  However, when you refer to communication, how much time are you gonna give them?
• 6:37
  Because when you first meet someone, everybody might have different communication styles or the way they approach things, or if they need time or maybe they haven't really learned how to communicate, or they need to know how you want them to,
• 6:53
  Keya: Absolutely.
• 6:54
  I,
• 6:55
  drea: how much time are you willing to give?
• 6:56
  Like, you know what I'm saying?
• 6:58
  Keya: I.
• 6:58
  drea: like how, 'cause we all have different communication styles.
• 7:01
  Keya: Absolutely we do.
• 7:02
  And I feel like, for me, I, I wouldn't say like in the first couple of months, maybe not even whole year of just learning each other and, you know, trying to figure out what communication style works for each person.
• 7:22
  So it wouldn't be an instant cutoff.
• 7:24
  But like if we are walking into this and like, okay, yeah, we wanna try to do this, I would say at least by month six, we are at least figuring out, no, this type of communication triggers me, so don't communicate with me that way.
• 7:44
  and I also want to know what.
• 7:47
  I say, or how I communicate to you what that triggers for you or if that's okay.
• 7:53
  So by month six, I feel like we should definitely have a handle on how, effective our communication is with one another.
• 8:04
  So it's definitely not a cutoff right then and there thing.
• 8:12
  drea: Shavonne, you're married, was there something you felt like you still needed to work on and that you started working on and your husband was there through it?
• 8:22
  Vonnie: Yeah.
• 8:23
  I mean, I think with any long-term relationship, that's a continual process, right?
• 8:28
  Because you're always still working on yourself.
• 8:33
  I'll give my husband credit that he's much better at that than I am.
• 8:37
  Meaning when I bring something to him, is this triggers me or whatnot.
• 8:43
  he does make an effort to not do it Again.
• 8:48
  some things you have to be like, this is who I am, you know, and so you're gonna go with that.
• 8:56
  he's big on process improvement, but that's also to me, is unsolicited advice sometimes, which I do not like.
• 9:04
  So I cook dinner almost every night, but when I go and cook dinner and I would hand it to him, I now just leave immediately.
• 9:14
  But before I would hand it to him and I'd wanna see and make sure, and he would take a bite I would get instant criticism about what could be better.
• 9:22
  drea: I remember that.
• 9:24
  Vonnie: And it was, every time I gave him dinner, I was criticized.
• 9:28
  And then I stopped making dinner because I'm gonna stop doing it.
• 9:32
  And then he started complaining about us eating out all the time.
• 9:35
  And I said, well, why would I cook you dinner?
• 9:36
  You don't like it?
• 9:37
  And he said, well, who said I didn't like it?
• 9:39
  And I said, well, every time I hand you a plate of food, you say something bad about it.
• 9:44
  So that to me means you don't like it.
• 9:46
  And he is like, no, I want you to get better.
• 9:48
  I thought you wanted to get better.
• 9:49
  Don't you wanna be the best at everything you do?
• 9:51
  And I'm like, well, I don't need to be criticized.
• 9:53
  I'm not trying to become a chef.
• 9:55
  I'm not asking you to test some recipe of mine and give me feedback.
• 9:58
  I'm just feeding you dinner.
• 10:00
  So just appreciate it.
• 10:03
  so that took him a little bit, but he now does not like, immediately give me criticism and when I wanna know how something was, maybe if it was a new dish or maybe something that I had looked up on a TikTok or whatnot, and I, he waits now till I ask him for an opinion before just giving me unsolicited this could be better.
• 10:26
  but I really independent person and I'm not always great at, you know, checking in.
• 10:34
  If I'm doing something and I'm busy, I'm gonna go on about what I'm doing and not check in.
• 10:40
  And he's not someone who needs constant check in, but I could go on a business trip for a week and call him twice.
• 10:47
  And not because I'm not thinking about him or anything like that, but you know, if I'm just busy doing my thing, I'm not going, oh, let me just, it's not in my routine.
• 10:56
  And so, you know, we did have to sit down and talk about that because you know, hey, you're gone all week.
• 11:02
  I would like to have more regular conversation or some sort of check-in how you're doing, what's going on.
• 11:07
  And so that was something that I had to work on.
• 11:10
  Like, oh, there's somebody else here who cares about me, I'm used to as a middle child, let me just go do my thing.
• 11:15
  'cause no one's paying attention to anything that I'm doing.
• 11:17
  drea: I think you made up a lot of good points.
• 11:20
  for one, what I heard was that because you both love one another and you guys wanted this to work, you guys said what the issue was and gave the other one time to process it and make the change.
• 11:33
  And so I think that that's what it's about, is you kind of throw it out there, you say what may be bothering you, and then it's up to the other person to either fix it or say, like you said, Shavon, this is who the fuck I am.
• 11:46
  and I love how the fact that you are, you both had self-awareness, Like you said, you're a middle child, you're used to just doing your thing.
• 11:54
  Nothing against him, it's just something that you needed to remind yourself to fix
• 11:58
  Vonnie: I think that's what I, when you're getting those people where it's 10 years or, and then they break up and you're like, what happened or, or what, after all of that, it just can sometimes seem like, what am I doing this for?
• 12:11
  I'm pushing this rock up the hill and it's the same rock every day, and it go back to you in the beginning saying, is it worth it?
• 12:20
  For you and is it worth it for that other person?
• 12:23
  And you have to keep making that decision and choice.
• 12:27
  'cause it's hard.
• 12:27
  Let's not do anything to hurt one another.
• 12:29
  Let's just state the facts.
• 12:31
  And then the next thing is, and I've said this even while we were dating, even on days where he makes me the most mad, I can think back to one time throughout that day where he's made me laugh.
• 12:45
  And now we're going on 21, 22 years, I think between dating and marriage and somebody makes you laugh every single day is, you know, I think worth keeping around.
• 12:57
  Keya: And that's amazing 'cause that right there, like you said, makes for a happy marriage every day, deciding to choose each other and communicate that choice.
• 13:08
  Because going back to what you said earlier, like, is this, trying to change me as a person?
• 13:16
  No.
• 13:18
  Is this something that I can work on?
• 13:20
  So it goes back into, what we said, like, is that person worth it?
• 13:25
  And it sounds like you and your husband definitely have figured that out.
• 13:29
  Like it's, it's not about changing you, it's about how we communicate what it is that we see and, it's worth it.
• 13:40
  Because in the example that you used about people leaving after 10 years, it's because that small thing that they didn't communicate about that, they said it was small, but it was really big in their head.
• 13:58
  leads to, I'm sick of doing this shit.
• 14:02
  And I don't want it anymore where the other person is like, what do you mean?
• 14:07
  Like we started out like you never said anything.
• 14:12
  So, it's like
• 14:15
  drea: I think too that some people just grow apart.
• 14:17
  Keya: That is
• 14:18
  drea: Their vision of life can be different,
• 14:20
  Keya: That
• 14:20
  drea: you know?
• 14:21
  Keya: Absolutely.
• 14:22
  Vonnie: And I think that's one thing about early relationships and being younger and why a lot of people think that people marrying young is a bad idea.
• 14:30
  Whether it is or not that I think all of us can remember maybe as women, especially where you pretended to either like or do things because the guy liked it, or you see a lot of this whole traditional.
• 14:45
  Trad wife type of aesthetic that's going on now where you're pretending like all of these chores and housework and all those things are what you like to like.
• 14:53
  Nobody loves doing chores.
• 14:54
  Some people just, it's means to an end.
• 14:56
  I like a clean house and I know I gotta clean, so I'm gonna do that.
• 14:58
  But, I just think that it's so funny when I look back on things I pretended to like that I now no longer do.
• 15:05
  And like wrestling, you know, he was big into WWE when we first started dating and we sit there like every day and I'm watching wrestling, I'm watching Monday Night Raw.
• 15:15
  Thursday night SmackDown, And I'm getting into all the characters and all their stuff and I'm sitting in the back of my head every day watching these, thinking how dumb it is.
• 15:23
  But this is us hanging out.
• 15:25
  This is us spending quality time.
• 15:26
  And so that's why I think that you really need to know yourself.
• 15:31
  And once you do, then it makes a lot of that clear because there are things I definitely won't deal with and there are things he definitely won't deal with.
• 15:39
  And there are things that's not that big of a deal, even if it would be to someone else.
• 15:44
  And that's the problem with having other people's opinions in your marriage because maybe that is something they think is a deal breaker, but it
• 15:51
  Keya: Absolutely
• 15:53
  Vonnie: now you're self-conscious, right?
• 15:54
  Keya like, oh, maybe should this bother me?
• 15:57
  Keya: right.
• 15:57
  Vonnie: not.
• 15:58
  drea: So,
• 15:58
  Keya: Absolutely.
• 16:00
  drea: so that's where I wanna go back to Keya because after I had said what I said.
• 16:06
  And then you were sharing, I heard a little tone change in your voice when you really started talking about, you know, like after 10 years or you just be with somebody, you just get tired of they stuff and then you, they just ain't changed it.
• 16:20
  Would you say that in any of your marriages or even relationships that it was something that maybe you didn't say to them that always kind of got on your skin and that could have helped cause like an end of a relationship or whatever the case may be.
• 16:39
  Like, have you experienced that where you yourself felt like you took too long to kind of say that pet peeve about them?
• 16:46
  Or that's something that just really bothered you that you may have said sometimes, but you overlooked it until you couldn't
• 16:52
  Keya: Yes.
• 16:52
  it, both and I do feel like let so much slide.
• 17:00
  For the sake of, okay, I just want this to work.
• 17:04
  So while it was big in my head, it's like, okay, just let it go.
• 17:10
  Stuff that down, let it go, stuff it down, let it go.
• 17:13
  And I did it in both marriages, because trying to make it work.
• 17:19
  I wanted to make it work.
• 17:21
  Bonnie said, when she gave the example about the trad wife, like, y'all know that's me all day.
• 17:29
  'cause that's what I grew up seeing.
• 17:31
  So that's love language.
• 17:34
  So cool.
• 17:35
  I'm gonna be in here.
• 17:36
  I'm taking care of the kids, I'm cleaning, gonna do all the things because that's how I show my appreciation.
• 17:43
  But then when you are not doing anything to show that you appreciate.
• 17:51
  Anything that I'm doing, or I'm trying to say, like even when I bring it up, I'm dropping little hints and then it gets to a point where it's like, sh you know what?
• 18:03
  We good because I done tried, I done stuffed it down.
• 18:07
  I let you walk all over my boundaries just for the sake of the relationship.
• 18:14
  So yeah, the not communicating effectively is definitely why I say I am where I am right now because yeah, I definitely learned that letting the little things slide that really isn't a little thing to you.
• 18:39
  It ends in divorce.
• 18:43
  Very quickly.
• 18:44
  drea: who you are, would you say it just starts to eat away of who you really are?
• 18:48
  Stand for.
• 18:49
  Keya: Yes.
• 18:50
  And it does, and it has you questioning yourself, questioning, dang, where did I go wrong?
• 18:57
  Like, I that type of woman?
• 19:00
  Which brings me to our, next thing that we wanted to react about, about where is the delineation of, not wearing clothes or changing the different things that your spouse wants you to change
• 19:18
  Vonnie: Yes.
• 19:18
  Keya: willingly or is that control?
• 19:23
  that
• 19:24
  drea: Okay.
• 19:25
  This a good one.
• 19:26
  Do you give an example?
• 19:28
  Have one in my head that you've talked about, just so that the listeners can hear what you're, 'cause I feel like, I think I know a simple thing that's not a simple thing
• 19:36
  Keya: Yes.
• 19:37
  drea: started wearing again.
• 19:39
  Keya: Yes.
• 19:39
  And that's where I was just about to go.
• 19:41
  So my, the last husband had an issue all of a sudden with me wearing leggings.
• 19:50
  And mind you, this man met me like, baby booty popping everything.
• 19:57
  It's cool.
• 19:59
  don't want anybody to see your wife in that manner.
• 20:03
  So cover it up.
• 20:05
  In the beginning it was like, okay, cool.
• 20:08
  it's nothing I whatever to make you happy.
• 20:10
  It's cool.
• 20:11
  I don't have to wear 'em.
• 20:13
  I literally these leggings that then I just put in the back of my closet because.
• 20:22
  He didn't want me wearing them.
• 20:24
  That's where it turned into.
• 20:27
  It went from, okay, I'm willing to do this for you to, now this is control thing because we had fights about it I just put them in my closet and they collected dust.
• 20:42
  so much so that even after I left house, already in my house years, two and a half years after, no, let me not even say that.
• 20:56
  Up until recently, I just barely started putting leggings back on because it was like, oh my God, I can't, I, I can't put these on like nobody's supposed to be looking at my body like, oh my God.
• 21:11
  So my leggings sat y'all.
• 21:14
  Dust.
• 21:15
  There's dust on the hangers, dust on the leggings, because that's how long they set.
• 21:21
  And it was so ingrained in my mind because that man did not want me to wear them, that I was still trapped in that cycle of, don't put them on up until recently.
• 21:37
  And that's because George asked me he was like, why don't you just wear those?
• 21:43
  I was like,
• 21:45
  I mean like I would put them on here and there, but like he actually asked me like wear it as like a outfit type of thing.
• 21:53
  And I was like, okay.
• 21:56
  And up until recently, y'all, until recently.
• 22:02
  drea: So hearing you say that right, so many thoughts come to my head.
• 22:08
  We live at the fucking desert.
• 22:09
  It's hot.
• 22:10
  Keya: It's
• 22:11
  drea: As much as leggings weren't my thing, leggings is the way to go when you're just running out in this heat.
• 22:16
  But anyways, aside from that, I feel like there's so many things in just that little situation.
• 22:22
  Where did he, and you said that he said that because he didn't want other people looking at you, so he was insecure.
• 22:28
  and if that's the case, were you still not allowed to wear them when you went out with him?
• 22:34
  Keya: so I could wear them I went out with him to a point.
• 22:42
  Would he say insecurity was there?
• 22:44
  Hell no.
• 22:45
  But yes.
• 22:47
  And I remember my argument always being.
• 22:52
  But you got me.
• 22:53
  I don't care what they want or what they're looking at.
• 22:56
  And then when I got with you, did you all of a sudden think I became ugly or my body shape wasn't going to be appealing?
• 23:06
  I don't know.
• 23:06
  So it definitely, a bit of insecurity.
• 23:11
  It definitely was.
• 23:14
  I could only wear them to a certain point and then it was, yeah, don't put 'em on at all.
• 23:21
  drea: So it's low key kind of.
• 23:23
  Sounds like it's like almost a mental abuse that you experience that some people may not look at as that way, but the way that you were feeling about the situation and how it made you start almost body shaming yourself, wondering what it was about you, you know, for a minute.
• 23:41
  Like, I get that.
• 23:43
  I feel like that's a good example of, what you said.
• 23:46
  I feel like that's a really good example
• 23:49
  Vonnie: Yeah,
• 23:49
  drea: of just how I.
• 23:51
  Vonnie: I think that's where like the line is right of you doing something outta respect for someone versus now this turns into a controlling thing because now starting arguments and things like that, I always felt, it was always funny to me, you know, a guy would meet a girl in the club or see her day to day and you know, she might wear revealing outfits or a lot of makeup and that's what hooked you.
• 24:18
  it was always odd that then as soon as they started dating, now she has to do a 180.
• 24:23
  And where I feel like the control comes in.
• 24:26
  Like, you want this hot girl, but then you don't want a hot girl, do hot girl things.
• 24:31
  And I just never understood that.
• 24:34
  drea: Because it's not like she was going out there butt naked You know what I'm saying?
• 24:38
  Like not like the clubbing going out.
• 24:41
  Like it was leggings.
• 24:42
  Vonnie: Exactly,
• 24:43
  drea: leggings.
• 24:43
  You know what I'm saying?
• 24:44
  but
• 24:44
  right, but in a relationship though, I do feel that.
• 24:48
  Sometimes they don't want us out there looking all kind of ways.
• 24:52
  'cause men are protective of us.
• 24:53
  Like, let's be real.
• 24:54
  So I think that we also have to show that fine line is that men are protective and there is a certain way that they would want us to present ourselves if that's when I think you could see the difference of the healthiness versus the unhealthy.
• 25:08
  But we also wanna have like, respect for them and ourselves, which, how Keya kind of got into that.
• 25:13
  But like you said, Shavan, it's about when it started taking a toll on yourself and your mental
• 25:18
  Vonnie: Yeah.
• 25:19
  drea: it's, it's like leggings.
• 25:20
  Like I can understand a man telling me, you know, I, I don't really like you bikini.
• 25:26
  and you're with your friends versus if you're in a bikini with me, right.
• 25:30
  Or I don't want you walking in those booty shorts.
• 25:33
  It's late at night and I just don't feel that it's appropriate because something could happen.
• 25:38
  But at the same time, we should as we get older, right?
• 25:40
  We think, you know what?
• 25:41
  That isn't safe walking like that.
• 25:42
  Or, you know what?
• 25:43
  I shouldn't represent 'em like that.
• 25:45
  No one wants everyone to see what they have once they have it.
• 25:47
  But like leggings, like, that's like saying you can't wear thongs outside if you're not with me.
• 25:53
  Like what?
• 25:54
  Keya: listen, when I tell you like it was deep
• 25:58
  for deep, like thongs, like, yeah, I, y'all friend was in there going through it,
• 26:04
  Vonnie: but
• 26:05
  Keya: point.
• 26:05
  at a point.
• 26:06
  Up to a point I was willing to do it because like you said, I know they're protective.
• 26:11
  I know that.
• 26:12
  It's like, okay, no, I don't want another man seeing what I'm laying down with.
• 26:17
  But it was also at a point where it was like, I can't help my body shape.
• 26:21
  I'm shaped like this.
• 26:23
  Naturally I did.
• 26:24
  There's nothing I can do about it.
• 26:27
  got it from my mama.
• 26:28
  I, what do you want me to do?
• 26:30
  And so to just stop the fights, that's where it was just like, cool.
• 26:35
  I won't wear it.
• 26:36
  Because I remember he came to me one day and was like, so you just don't care about how I feel about the situation.
• 26:46
  That's not how a wife acts.
• 26:50
  I didn't say I didn't care.
• 26:52
  I just don't understand where this is coming from.
• 26:56
  then it was just like, you know what, kid?
• 26:59
  It ain't even that big of a deal.
• 27:01
  Cool.
• 27:01
  Just stop wearing them.
• 27:03
  Just put 'em in your closet, let it go.
• 27:07
  Do you want your marriage or do you wanna wear leggings?
• 27:09
  And at the time it was, I want my marriage.
• 27:12
  So leggings went and it from there too, like at the, that also started and more things of being told, not a wife.
• 27:26
  You're not a wife, you're, I'm not a wife.
• 27:29
  What?
• 27:30
  How So yeah, that's a, I would definitely caution, like the thing that we seen, there's a willingness to submit, which is what I've always had to that very thin line of.
• 27:46
  controlling behavior and I don't care which side it's coming from.
• 27:50
  From the man to a woman or from the woman to the man.
• 27:55
  There's a very thin line and people, y'all have got be careful and look for when, when you have hopped over the line from willing to do it to it's now control
• 28:14
  drea: And I like how you threw men in there, because I don't want people to think we're men.
• 28:17
  Bashers by far,
• 28:19
  Keya: at all.
• 28:20
  drea: there's a lot of controlling ass women out there.
• 28:22
  And I'd be like sometimes seeing some stuff when I'm out of public and I'd be like, well dang, they got a man.
• 28:27
  And look, how she talking?
• 28:30
  Keya: Right, right,
• 28:32
  drea: I ain't got one.
• 28:32
  Like, but no, there, there's some, you know, women have their ways,
• 28:36
  Keya: Absolutely.
• 28:37
  drea: so men, please.
• 28:38
  That's why it's good.
• 28:39
  You said people out there, like we all have to be careful of that.
• 28:44
  Keya: Absolutely.
• 28:45
  Vonnie: And I think what you're saying it becomes when it's more and more and more.
• 28:50
  So it's one thing if somebody has, you know, you said you always wore leggings and then all of a sudden became a problem.
• 28:55
  So that's why I'm always like, okay, that's probably the start of something.
• 28:59
  But let's see if there was nothing else, if it was just leggings and after you, you didn't wear leggings 'cause you were fine with not wearing leggings.
• 29:06
  If you were fine with it and nothing else came of it, okay, fine.
• 29:10
  Um, but like you said, if they're just trying to control you, there will always be something else that you're not doing well enough.
• 29:17
  with my husband, he didn't like white shirts, white t-shirts.
• 29:20
  I have large boobs and he just felt like white t-shirts were always a little bit see-through.
• 29:27
  so for him, he had to think about white t-shirts and I thought it was so dumb.
• 29:30
  But I don't even have that many white t-shirts.
• 29:32
  So I was like, well, what do I care about these two or three shirts that I have of not wearing it?
• 29:37
  I said, but we'll see, because if you try something else, then I don't care.
• 29:43
  I'm gonna, I'm gonna wear it.
• 29:44
  Keya: Right, and that's good that you said that.
• 29:47
  Like, to know that, okay, here's my line, if there's something else.
• 29:54
  Because for me it was something else I will never forget I wore a dress to church baby.
• 30:02
  That man was like, don't ever wear that to church again.
• 30:07
  can see all your curves and your booty.
• 30:11
  okay.
• 30:14
  He just said it like, just so sternly, just so matter of fact, don't ever wear it.
• 30:21
  Nah.
• 30:23
  They all looking at you.
• 30:26
  drea: Do you think that came from insecurity or do you think it came from how he.
• 30:29
  Thinks you should be looking as a woman at church and what other people might think of you or him that you dress that way.
• 30:36
  would you think?
• 30:37
  Keya: I think it mostly came from insecurity, but I also think that he knew who he was hanging around or what the men were saying.
• 30:49
  So for somebody to objectify his wife, like he wasn't ready for that fight when it was just like, I just wore a dress It was down to my knees.
• 31:01
  it was long sleeve
• 31:02
  I still have it in my closet.
• 31:04
  That, that's the crazy thing.
• 31:06
  I think I've worn it maybe one time I've left that marriage, because that stuck with me so bad and I was just like, okay.
• 31:19
  and I really, like I said, I really think it's just he didn't wanna have to have that fight.
• 31:24
  It was part of his insecurities.
• 31:27
  And I don't want no man looking at my wife
• 31:30
  drea: Girl you needed, you needed a little house on the prairie dress is what it sounds like.
• 31:35
  Keya: listen, if it could
• 31:38
  drea: I know that's dating myself,
• 31:39
  Keya: No, but for real, like if it could've been, I promise you, I think that that's what he would've been happy with.
• 31:47
  Like, nothing that would hug my waist, hips, my butt, nothing If it could not hug anything, like if I could wear a potato sack, that probably would've made him happy because it it was a wild time.
• 32:03
  Y'all a wild time.
• 32:06
  drea: Not the potato sack.
• 32:09
  I feel it though.
• 32:11
  Vonnie: That's crazy.
• 32:12
  Yeah, it's funny because even Manuel, sometimes he will say things like, you need to do exactly what I say.
• 32:16
  And he'll immediately start laughing and he will say, I can't believe that people say that to their wives or their girlfriends, and I can't believe that people, you know, so it's real crazy that there are men who think that, and there's women who need to manipulate someone into just, it's just not a way to live.
• 32:35
  I'm not antis submission, but it's in a different way and I have somebody who again knows who I am and.
• 32:44
  Doesn't want that type of woman so that, you know, you should, it always amazes me that you would want someone who is like that.
• 32:54
  Like if you want a Trad wife, but then you're going after an independent corporate woman, what's your game?
• 32:59
  Because you're not trying to find somebody who is suitable for that.
• 33:03
  So it would, know, he liked, you know, when we first met he thought I was an ambitious person and he liked that.
• 33:10
  So it's, it's, I just feel like those people, like I'm saying, it's not from a, Hey, we grew up in the same religion and we have the same type of foundational values and then that makes sense, right?
• 33:23
  Keya: I think that's where a lot of our fights came from, because like Bonnie alluded to, it was, you know, like, you want this, but you met me.
• 33:35
  hustling.
• 33:36
  I'm a now a single mama, taking care of three kids.
• 33:40
  I'm making shit shake.
• 33:42
  You know what I'm saying?
• 33:43
  Like, so you met me.
• 33:46
  Making moves, running a business, still doing this, still doing that.
• 33:51
  And you wanted to now have me pull back
• 33:55
  drea: And see, but you know what?
• 33:59
  Also, deep down, you didn't respect him because of how he was.
• 34:05
  So there was always a part of you, because we will submit to a man that we respect safely.
• 34:10
  Submission comes with being safely respected.
• 34:13
  Keya: How about lead with love?
• 34:15
  That's all I would say.
• 34:16
  How about lead with love?
• 34:17
  drea: but do you feel like the impact of one failed marriage as well as the impact of children may have increased your efforts versus just actually loving him?
• 34:28
  Keya: Absolutely.
• 34:29
  Because I never wanted a second failed marriage.
• 34:32
  So that drove me and pushed me even harder to look past everything that was changing and just say, forget it.
• 34:43
  Put your head down.
• 34:45
  Work.
• 34:45
  Work it out.
• 34:46
  Work it out.
• 34:47
  Work it out all while.
• 34:50
  Just saying the bare y'all, the bare minimum was treat me like a fucking human being.
• 34:57
  the bar was literally that low.
• 34:59
  Vonnie: that bar is in hell
• 35:01
  Keya: exactly egg.
• 35:03
  Exactly.
• 35:04
  It was definitely in hell.
• 35:07
  drea: this is coming directly from our page, our Facebook page, Instagram.
• 35:11
  We had people who actually asked us things to talk about.
• 35:14
  So I'm really excited about that, guys, that we actually had some people engage with us.
• 35:19
  Vonnie: ladies, what is your opinion on what is off limits when dating, for example, you shouldn't date your friend's ex or your friend's sibling, or you shouldn't date in your workplace.
• 35:29
  Just what's a hard no or a hard pass
• 35:33
  drea: Who wants to go first?
• 35:35
  Keya: I will go first because I feel like we have been in this friendship game for so long that
• 35:43
  don't date none of my exes.
• 35:46
  We will fight every fucking time.
• 35:49
  I see you.
• 35:50
  Don't date none of my exes.
• 35:52
  I baby don't do that.
• 35:54
  I mean, like, and we have stood hard and firm on that through our friendships.
• 36:02
  and me and Cassandra baby.
• 36:04
  Like there was one way back in high school that Shavon got into it with that.
• 36:13
  I, in high school, I wouldn't even talk to this boy at first because he liked Cassandra.
• 36:20
  She was telling me, girl, it's only he liked me.
• 36:23
  You could talk to him.
• 36:25
  could talk to him.
• 36:26
  I don't care.
• 36:27
  Like I, we never went together.
• 36:29
  He just tried to holler at me like I never looked at him like that.
• 36:32
  Like that boy had to go through months.
• 36:39
  Maybe a whole year before I would even be like, she said it was cool 'cause I'm not dating your ex, I'm not dating anybody that tried to holler at you.
• 36:53
  I am not.
• 36:54
  And I feel like You bet not either, if I seen either one of y'all talking to either one of my exes, like it's on site.
• 37:03
  drea: Yeah, for me, it's only certain ones that are on like that.
• 37:07
  I mean, 'cause I've talked to people, dated people, but there's only about two.
• 37:12
  Or it's like, I don't care if you barely knew me.
• 37:15
  Keya: Exactly.
• 37:16
  drea: care if you knew me 'cause you was my friend's friend and you came around us when we was together.
• 37:21
  heffa listen.
• 37:23
  There's only a few, but I will say, okay, so that's a friendship thing.
• 37:27
  I was put in a situation where somebody hit me up on Facebook.
• 37:33
  real cool person.
• 37:34
  I remember when I first met him, I felt like he had an interest in me, if that makes sense.
• 37:41
  But I met him because he was my coworker's boyfriend at the time.
• 37:47
  And she wasn't a friend, but like I did see her outta work before.
• 37:52
  but not like hanging out like, you know, we would talk 'cause you work with people for so long.
• 37:57
  I hadn't talked to her or seen her in like four or five years.
• 38:01
  I haven't seen him, but like I said, he hit me up and then we know a lot of the same people and he was really trying to talk to me and I just could not, I couldn't do it
• 38:10
  I was like, yeah, you're my coworker's ex. He was like, that's been over with.
• 38:14
  I was like, yeah.
• 38:14
  But she used to talk to me how she cared about you back then.
• 38:17
  Like I just could not even in that situation, I couldn't bring myself to even wanna date or talk to someone, to that level.
• 38:27
  this is the person with the clothes.
• 38:29
  Keya: I remember.
• 38:30
  I
• 38:30
  drea: In the parking lot, where I was like, oh, And I just still couldn't, like, no matter how intelligent, how successful, I couldn't, I couldn't bring myself to do it just for that simple fact, like I knew too much about him.
• 38:43
  plus I wasn't attracted like that.
• 38:45
  But even if I was, I just, I couldn't get past that.
• 38:49
  Keya: You were right.
• 38:49
  Vonnie: It's almost like a sibling.
• 38:52
  I never have looked at any friend's boyfriend and been like, Ooh, man, if she got rid of him, I'd hop on.
• 38:59
  Like, it's so
• 39:00
  Keya: Exactly.
• 39:01
  Vonnie: and I feel like it's even rude to even ask, like, don't even ask permission.
• 39:05
  Like, why are you open?
• 39:06
  Like, let it go.
• 39:08
  There's so many people on this planet you don't need to date if you're a real friend.
• 39:12
  I mean, you mentioned Keya, your bestie the other best.
• 39:15
  Like they shouldn't, you know, it shouldn't even occur to them to even want to, just, like you said, Drea, that wasn't even a friend, like a coworker.
• 39:24
  you know, only if it was by accident.
• 39:25
  Could that happen for me, for a coworker, right.
• 39:28
  Maybe if I didn't know, but a friend, there's no way, no
• 39:31
  Keya: There's no way.
• 39:33
  Vonnie: you're a shitty friend.
• 39:35
  To do that to somebody.
• 39:36
  Like I'm loyal, loyalty's big for me, and
• 39:40
  Keya: Absolutely.
• 39:40
  Vonnie: I just couldn't even mm-hmm.
• 39:42
  Now dating somebody at work, I wouldn't be married if I stuck to that rule.
• 39:48
  Keya: You wouldn't have this 22.
• 39:51
  Until you met him.
• 39:53
  Till you met the one, yeah.
• 39:57
  Vonnie: And being in a woman in tech, I'm surrounded by men in workplaces and mostly it, I mean, I've been with my husband almost the whole time, but even before then, it would never occur to me because you don't want to be the girl with a reputation you are just there.
• 40:13
  I feel like you're all these men and you're there like eight hours a day, they're just wanting something.
• 40:19
  And so I just feel like that's just a recipe for disaster.
• 40:22
  So that was really my mindset, you know, that whole don't, because it's sudden awkward and then there's like, oh, there's the X and there's just stuff and you're at work and you just want to be at work.
• 40:33
  So I overall would say it's probably a mistake to do that.
• 40:38
  So, but you have to be.
• 40:40
  Willing to not work there anymore.
• 40:42
  I say, because sometimes one of y'all gotta go.
• 40:45
  Keya: Right.
• 40:45
  And I was just about to say it's
• 40:47
  drea: Some people like to be around each other that much.
• 40:49
  I ain't met someone, but
• 40:51
  Vonnie: but I'm just saying, when it
• 40:51
  Keya: it's that saying, don't shit where you eat because,
• 40:55
  Vonnie: it goes bad.
• 40:56
  Keya: right.
• 40:57
  Vonnie: person in the lunchroom, that person's kiking with your boss.
• 41:00
  It's just like, ugh.
• 41:04
  drea: But then I'm sure there are people who might have met the, the love of their life and they lived next door to each other.
• 41:09
  You know what I'm saying?
• 41:10
  Like, but like she said, when it came to work though, one of 'em had to like stop.
• 41:15
  But I, that couldn't be me.
• 41:17
  Um.
• 41:18
  Vonnie: I say it's a mistake.
• 41:19
  I've done it, and I would I would say, don't do it.
• 41:22
  It worked out for me.
• 41:23
  But that's like those people who's like, oh my gosh, we were engaged in six weeks and we've been married for 25 years.
• 41:29
  Don't go telling people like that is the norm
• 41:31
  drea: That's hilarious.
• 41:33
  So I dated, Of all the years, I'll never forget, we was at a club one night.
• 41:38
  Now we never went to the club together, especially not here in Phoenix, but we would meet each other.
• 41:43
  So there was one night where we're out on the patio and the doors to go inside.
• 41:49
  Were right in front of us and we're both like just talking lean on the patio and all of a sudden I see this guy who mind you wholeheartedly.
• 41:56
  I did not know him.
• 41:57
  Like I had no idea who he was.
• 41:59
  But that happened a lot to me.
• 42:00
  Like people remember me, but I don't remember them.
• 42:02
  Right?
• 42:02
  So I don't know.
• 42:03
  But anyways, this dude comes out the door.
• 42:05
  Looks at him, smiles at me, and literally comes up.
• 42:09
  I see his hands opening up like he was gonna try to hug me.
• 42:12
  Next thing you know, that dude froze in his spot, looked and walked away.
• 42:17
  I look over this mofo had his fist ready.
• 42:21
  He had his fist ready, like you was not, don't you see me standing here?
• 42:25
  After that, he was like, I think we should go home.
• 42:29
  I was like, you know, that might be a good idea.
• 42:32
  Then he's like, who is?
• 42:33
  I was like, I don't know.
• 42:35
  He was like, I know, you know?
• 42:36
  This man seen me standing right here next to you.
• 42:38
  I was like, listen, let's just go home.
• 42:41
  Keya: Let's
• 42:42
  drea: just go home.
• 42:43
  Keya: let's
• 42:43
  drea: Night is over.
• 42:45
  Keya: Let's go home right now, because we don't need these problems at all.
• 42:51
  Like, no, no, no,
• 42:52
  drea: Imagine if the person got to the point of touching, like, no, Nick,
• 42:56
  Keya: Not at
• 42:56
  drea: you said if he didn't do nothing there would've been like, do you not care?
• 43:00
  Keya: Exactly.
• 43:01
  drea: Wait a minute.
• 43:02
  Keya: a
• 43:02
  drea: Wait a minute.
• 43:03
  Keya: what's happening?
• 43:04
  You a punk, you don't care.
• 43:05
  I need to understand your thought process right now.
• 43:09
  Like, man,
• 43:11
  drea: like, well, I'm gonna see how you handle it.
• 43:12
  Right?
• 43:13
  Okay,
• 43:13
  Keya: right.
• 43:14
  drea: what if I handle it and it's not working?
• 43:16
  Keya: Exactly.
• 43:17
  drea: in?
• 43:17
  Are you gonna finish it?
• 43:23
  Keya: let's take this moment for our commercial break
• 43:27
  drea: Okay.
• 43:27
  Keya: shut out our business for all of our.
• 43:31
  Phone repair, computer repair, and electronic needs.
• 43:35
  We're gonna shout out Rogue Agent Electronics.
• 43:39
  Rayquan is amazing at fixing and explaining, your electronics to you.
• 43:47
  He fixes iPhones, he fixes computers, he fixes, Androids, and he also knows how to build you a computer from scratch.
• 43:59
  shout out to Rogue Agent Electronics if y'all want to hit him up.
• 44:04
  He's amazing.
• 44:05
  The phone number is (601) 654-4612.
• 44:11
  Shout out to you Rogue Agent Electronics.
• 44:17
  drea: And if you're looking for a haircut for yourself, your dad, your brother, your sister, your child.
• 44:24
  my son is a barber, a very good barber.
• 44:28
  He cuts all types of hair, he's very skilled, very, very skilled.
• 44:31
  and you could actually reach him.
• 44:35
  At khiry dot Keith _kcuts, on Instagram.
• 44:41
  But if you're looking for a good barber, he is definitely the one.
• 44:44
  but he is located at Ray's barbers shop by ASU.
• 44:48
  So check him out again.
• 44:50
  his name is Khiry and he takes walk-ins.
• 44:53
  You can hit him up on Instagram to schedule an appointment.
• 44:56
  'cause it's probably best 'cause you know people be Booked in busy.
• 44:59
  So yeah, check him out.
• 45:00
  If you need a haircut, a barber.
• 45:02
  You need a barber in your life.
• 45:06
  Keya: Let's go Kyrie and Rayquan.
• 45:09
  drea: This is what, this is really what we would be doing, like rambling in our little messages.
• 45:12
  don't cut this out.
• 45:13
  But like, let me just say that we kind of said this being funny.
• 45:17
  And then she turned around and executed.
• 45:19
  When I say she turned around and executed this, she already figured out what, what, what link we're going to use to, to record.
• 45:26
  She already started scheduling stuff.
• 45:28
  Like we took this as, you know, I just kind of saying it, 'cause I've always wanted to do a podcast for years, since I did like a radio show and, but my biggest thing is like, executing it.
• 45:38
  I'd be like that person, like, oh yeah, I'll do it eventually.
• 45:41
  But she executed so I'm glad she did.
• 45:44
  'cause I had y'all waited on me, had y'all waited on me.
• 45:48
  Keya: Girl,
• 45:48
  drea: I'm the cheerleader of the group.
• 45:50
  I helped come up with ideas, but when it comes to having to apply it,
• 45:53
  Keya: To
• 45:54
  drea: uh, I'm good.
• 45:55
  Keya: right?
• 45:56
  drea: I did enough of that in college.
• 45:58
  Keya: we are here because of Vonnie, baby chatty.
• 46:03
  We are here because of Vonnie.
• 46:05
  But while we are
• 46:06
  drea: Yes, we are.
• 46:08
  Keya: like, subscribe, share, interact with us.
• 46:11
  We are very interactive on the socials.
• 46:16
  give us ideas, thoughts, your feedback.
• 46:20
  Give us comments.
• 46:21
  We're waiting, we're open.
• 46:23
  We are a bunch of women that are very secure in ourselves.
• 46:28
  drea: We have a lot of opinions guys, but let me put this out there.
• 46:31
  We are positive.
• 46:34
  We keep it real.
• 46:35
  We're not here to down nobody.
• 46:36
  We're not here to judge nobody.
• 46:38
  We are really here because we just believe in uplifting people, But yeah, we are all here to just be positive and be there to share our stories and share with you.
• 46:46
  And we hope you're enjoying this.
• 46:49
  Keya: We definitely do.
• 46:51
  Please stay, stay for the ride.
• 46:54
  Vonnie: I'm back.
• 46:54
  I'm back.
• 46:55
  My girls had to hold it down for a second.
• 46:57
  Thank you all for listening.
• 46:58
  Next week, I don't know, maybe I'm putting myself on the hot seat.
• 47:03
  Stay tuned.